All programmes renew at midnight Wed/Thu, and are held for a week, unless otherwise stated. W denotes "post-watershed" programming.

The ACNC Lectures
1hr - Single Stream - W
Award-winning and incredibly worthy series of weekly Reithian lectures from a guest speaker.

A Complete History of Everything
1hr - Dual Stream - W
A look at the history of the Earth from the various suggested origins of the Universe through to the present day. The programme takes in history, science, art and philosophy amongst other subjects.
Presenter Professor Eric Gale is head of Anthropological Studies at Newcastle University. His latest book, appropriately titled "A Complete History of Everything", published by PPP, is available now for £68.97 (+p&p).

Adrian Morley's Short Cuts
1hr - Dual Stream
Unconventional rambler Adrian Morley takes a camera crew on an aimless wander, armed only with a map, a compass, and a bottle of whisky. Will he return alive? Interactive stream carries reference map.

The Adventure Game
1hr - Dual Stream
Remade with a range of new and classic games. Presented by an aspidistra.

Afternoon Performance
Monday, 2pm: 1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Friday, 2pm: 1hr 30mins - SIngle Stream
Sunday, 3pm: 1hr 30mins - Dual Stream
Tuesday, 2pm: 1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Wednesday, 2pm: 1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Thursday, 2pm: 1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Saturday, 2pm: 2hrs - Dual Stream
Live performances from the Lindrick Studios (available as archive from 5pm on the same day). Afternoon Performance's theatre strand showcases outstanding new talent three times a week, with a choice of two viewing styles on Sunday. Our music strand seeks out a wide range of performers from a variety of genres to make up four gigs a week. Saturday's two hour long performance incorporates interactive direction.

A New Soap
A NEW SOAP sub-site
All 10 episodes of the classic comedy drama series starring Ewan McGregor et al. (Borrow the DVD)

The Art of War
Posted Sunday, 2:30pm
30mins - Dual Stream - W
In-depth interactive analysis of current international conflicts. Presented by Lana Botney, with pertinent guests.

Posted Saturday, 1:30pm
30 mins - Single Stream
Chrissie Hammond analyses the week in art. Includes reviews of new exhibitions, and that sort of thing.

ArtView: [name]
1hr - Dual Stream
Weekly arts strand analysing the works of a different artist each week. Dual-stream.

BABYSHAM sub-site
Guy Pearce starts in this acclaimed six-part spin-off detective thriller of the popular A New Soap.

Battle of the Planets
30mins - Single Stream
Classic Japanese animated serial, re-dubbed by ACNC to be in greater keeping with the original Japanese storyline.

Beat the Teacher
30mins - Single Stream
Mad Frankie Fraser is the host for this revised and reworked classic. AVText interaction.

The Blurb
30mins - Single Stream
Anthony French and regular guests Tom Paulin and Jeannette Winterson discuss the latest books to prop up the shelves at Waterstones.

Boxed In
Posted Sunday, 4:30pm
30mins - Single Stream
Acclaimed media magazine with Ivan Methuselah. A sort of "the week in television" thing, but with other media covered too.

Bruno Blakey's Breakfast Show
Daily, 6am: 3hrs - Single Stream Radio
Music, news, debate and controlled chaos. Archived from 10am.

Posted Saturday, 6pm
45mins - Single Stream
Darts-based quiz-show. Hosted by John Savident.

Live Multi-Stream
Footage from ACNC's CCTV security system. For insomniacs only.

Single Stream
Selected high-level matches, featuring AVText interactive features. Presented by Lee Pilich and Dragan Krancek.

The Chuckle Brothers' Popcorn Double Feature
30mins - Single Stream
Paul and Barry Chuckle are incompetent projectionists who end up parodying two different films each week. Arty educational comedy from the Rotherham dadaists.

1hr 30mins: Dual Stream
Interactive architectural travelogue investigating a different city each week. The settlement's history, topology, geography, industry and architecture are studied, with the second stream devoted to maps and images of the city.

Single Stream
The aptly named Rob Curling presents coverage of the top Scottish league games. With analysis from Debbie Knox.

Dalton Parva
Posted Mon, Wed, Thu, 11am
30mins - Single Stream
ACNC TV's very own soap opera. Commended for its ultra-realism.
Principal characters:
Fiona Blyth - Schoolboy interest. Daughter of Helen and Mike. Is surreptitiously sleeping with Tony.
Helen Blyth - Increasingly bored housewife. Married to Mike, with two children: Fiona and Lee. Currently having an affair with Susan.
Lee Blyth - Manic depressive teenager who mainly watches television. Son of Helen and Mike.
Mike Blyth - Increasingly bored engineer. Married to Helen. Mike knows all about Helen's affair and intends to get a threesome somehow.
Harry Carr - Manager of the local pub (the Drowned Newt). Constantly looking to take on new staff.
Susan McAndrew - A Scottish nymphomaniac who's slept with several members of the cast, most famously Jock. Works at the pub. She's currently having an affair with Helen.
Davina Nicole - Barmaid. Used to be a man. Lives in a flat with Susan.
Freddie o'Hanlon - Gay Irish hairdresser and wit. Looking for a boyfriend, without much look.
Reverend Rawcliffe - Dalton Parva's vicar. Confused about his sexuality, he had brief liaisons with with Susan, Freddie and Jock. He died after falling from the church roof this Easter, and is now apparently haunting the vestry.
David Richmond - Town geek. Son of Jill and Tony. Fancies Fiona.
Jill Richmond - Works at the bakers. Divorcing Tony. Manic depressive. Mother of David.
Tony Richmond - Computer salesman. Best mate of Mike. Divorcing Jill. Having an illicit relationship with Fiona.
Jock Strap - The town sheep. No-one knows who owns him but he can be found on the edge of the common.
Un-named Indian fella - Runs the corner shop. Has quite a big part despite being un-named.

Dave Dee Trellis's Stuff
Daily, 1pm: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Afternoon music and talk slot. Archived from 4pm.

15mins - Single Stream
Surreal and incomprehensible Welsh-language cartoon about a four armed, two faced creature made out of two triangles. What's going on is beyond us.

Early Cinema
c.1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Bi-weekly film-history strand. Ancient reels are dusted off and put on telly by your host: Ivan Methuselah. One to tape.

Electric Almond
Streaming live: Saturday, 9am
2hrs 30mins - Tri-Stream
Teen magazine series presented by Gina G and Roy Chubby Brown. Strangely works... Includes dual stream interactivity for item selection, and the classic competition, Stop That Car :- footage from the side window of a car plays on the level 2 stream, and viewers have to locate the car and stop it by firing a TV remote control at a detector in the passenger seat. All good clean fun. Available as archive from midday Saturday.

Evening Class
2hrs 30mins - Multi-Stream
Interactive and dual-streamed public service broadcasting. Educational programming directed at adults. Where's our award?

Evening Performance
Streamling live, Thursday, 8pm
3hrs - Single Stream
Three hours of live music, comprising two concerts. Introduced by Evan Paris. This is where the bigger names play. Available as archive from midnight Thu/Fri.

Fact File
30mins - Dual Stream
Award-winning interactive current affairs series in which a particular issue of the day is analysed in-depth for half an hour.

First Press
Posted daily, 6am
1hr - Single Stream
Special reports and analysis from around the world, including a review of the papers and a look ahead to the day's events.

Flaky the Wolverine
15mins - Single Stream
Flaky is a wolverine with dermatitis, who gets into lots of hilarious scrapes because of his itching. Dubious and redubbed Czech animation.

The Foyer
30mins - Single Stream
AView journalists Ivan Methuselah and Aidan Ross present this film and theatre discussion and review show. A selection of the latest releases and performances are previewed and fully rated by the duo.

1hr - Single Stream
Art displays with AVText writeups and audio critique. Each week there is a new display as well as an archived exhibition (or fairly old repeat, as they're known). See AVText p641 for more info.

Give Us A Clue
30mins - Single Stream
Peter Ferris presents our revival of the classic parlour game, now played out as blacks v whites instead of boys v girls.

30mins - Single Stream
Adam Hart-Davis revives and innovates the Blockbusters format. The cleverest 6th formers in the world are queuing up to play the strangely balanced quiz-show. Features interactive play with AVText.

Film 1: 15mins - Single Stream
Film 2: 15mins - Single Stream
Short and untaxing films about nothing in particular. Currently two new films each week.

In the...
30mins - Single Stream - W
Documentary series in which F-list celebrities are sent under-cover to infiltrate secret organisations and societies.

Part 1: 45mins - Single Stream
Part 2: 45mins - Single Stream
D-List celebrities queue up to read great works of childrens fiction.

30mins - Dual Stream
Grand Prix winning Damon Hill encourages kids to burn round a forest on motorbikes. Entertaining fun.

45mins - Dual Stream
One of the greatest children's television shows of all time is revived. Brian Blessed assumes the mantle of Dungeon Master, aided by Janet Ellis. Three kids must lead a friend of theirs around a labyrinth of rooms with a bucket on his head. Simple but effective. Interactive dual-stream direction, with AVText.

Three montages packaged as 1hr Tri-Stream
Stills and film of civic and rural scenes, with AVText writeups and live sound. Three different montages per week; one in each stream. For more details see AVText p642.

Last Orders
Daily, 9pm: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Comedy, art and new music. Archived from midnight.

Late Night Lock In
Daily, 11pm: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Alcohol fueled radio. Archived from 2am.

Late Night Netball
2hrs - Single Stream - W
Geoff Alison and Tracey Neville are two people whose surnames are first names for the opposite sex. Together they introduce selected NCL and ECL coverage. Popular with our perv demographic.

Lucky Ladders
30mins - Single Stream
Ian MacMillan presents the popular word-association game.

Martjin's Insomniac Slot
Daily, 1am: 5hrs - SIngle Stream Radio
Martjin Jenson fills in time with whatever he can find on shortwave radio. Archived from 7am.

Mary the Monster
15mins - Single Stream
More questionable animation from the Czech Republik. This is a beautifully made claymation series set in a travelling freak-show. Dubbed into English by the ACNC news-team. Some of the stresses pass through.

Matching Mole
15mins - Single Stream
Robert Wyatt  provides the voice for this cute little mole on wheels. Gentle pre-school fun.

The Mid Day Massacre
Daily, 11am: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Tunes of sorts, presented by Mike & Flora. Archived at 2pm.

Morning Worship with John Kershaw and the Fig Lover
Daily, 9am: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Music, debate, and irreverent noises. Archived from midday.

Mulled Mysteries
1hr - Single Stream - W
Science series which attempts to come up with rational answers for supernatural occurrences, whilst trying to keep an open mind. Rich Tarn investigates the paranormal with a team of specialists. Projects such as ghost watches and regression hypnosis sessions are run under empirical conditions. Programmes have come here before, but their heart wasn't in it. ACNC intend to solve these problems definitively.

Sat/Sun, midnight: 3hrs - Single Stream - W
Sun/Mon, midnight: 3hrs - Single Stream - W
ACNC's twice-weekly late-night magazine show, broadcast live from the Lindrick Tower studio, and archived at 6am. Includes discussion, news analysis, leftfield features and alcohol.
Julie Hall graduated from Newcastle University before becoming a researcher for BBC Look North. Her unique presenting style owes much to the copious quantities of red wine she necks during most shows, and is by no means hindered by a long string of failed relationships and a messy divorce. Her favourite cat is called Panzer.
Mike Langton-Horn studied art at Goldsmiths College. He is a teetotaller.

Nightshift Seminar
Tuesday, Wednesday & Saturday mornings, from midnight - Single Stream - W
Thrice-weekly live open-ended debate with the Nightshift presenters, appropriate guests, nibbles and alcohol. Archived at 6am.

Breakfast Slot:
0500-0900 Monday-Friday (4hrs); 0500-0800 Saturday & Sunday (3hrs)
News Extra:
0800-1000 Sunday (2hrs)
Midday Slot:
1200-1300 Monday-Friday (1hr); 1200-1230 Saturday (30mins)
Mid-Afternoon Slot:
1500-1515 Monday-Friday (15mins)
Early Evening Slot:
1700-1900 Monday-Friday (2hrs); 1700-1800 (1hr) Saturday; 1800-1830 Sunday (30mins)
Late Evening Slot (W):
2300-0000 Monday-Friday (1hr); 2130-2200 Saturday (30mins); 2200-2230 Sunday (30mins)
24hrs: Headline Reel (5mins)
ARS News & Travel with Roger Delgado and Carol Reed:
1700-1900 Daily (2hrs) (Radio)
All Multi-Stream
ACNC News is renowned for its uncompromisingly brutal approach to facts and its passionate impartiality. Our indepth coverage of the Baltic Conflicts was award winning, and at times controversial. ACNC's broadcasting licence still hangs in the balance following our reporting of Kosovo.
ACNC News is broadcast in several live slots with a choice of two report streams. Our early evening slot is broken into international (Stream 1, 1700-1800; Stream 2, 1800-1830), national (Stream 1, 1800-1900; Stream 2, 1700-1730; 1830-1900) and local (Stream 2, 1730-1800) strands. In addition to these streaming bulletins, there is a constantly available 5 minute newsloop, divided into international, national and local streams.
Our News Presenters:
Rachael Adler grew up in Bristol and is tremendously violent. She does our late evening slot with all the juicy shouting at tired MPs. Rachael may look tough but she cries herself to sleep at night.
Trevor Allan has been in journalism for twenty years. His plain-talking, spade=spade approach has proved immensely popular since he joined ACNC two years ago. He is divorced and an insomniac. Trevor presents the breakfast slot.
Gordon Umbago is our token minority (although we're on the look-out for a saucy Indian chick). He comes from Birmingham and supports Villa.
Peter Ferris is another one of our crustier newsreaders. Born in Spalding, he's popular with the older viewers. Peter presents the weekend breakfast slot. His wife died last year, and Peter hasn't exactly taken it well.
Sheila Horn is an ex-teacher turned columnist turned ACNC News weekend breakfast slot presenter. She's a frumpy old flirt and used to get the Daily Mail. But don't hold that against her... balance is a good thing in broadcasting.
Heather Maclise is our bit of Scots news-totty. A wet-behind-the-ears 25-year-old blonde; we've got her doing all the odd jobs round the office. Including the Saturday early evening slot. Strangely popular with the politicians.
Ian McRae heralds from Aberdeen but we've just about made him intelligible. He's 32 and co-presents the early evening show. He's happily married with two kids. He's also having an affair.
Janice Monk is an ardent feminist and a big Coldplay fan. She is the ideal foil for Trevor Allan in the breakfast slot, and the two may or may not be involved since the Christmas party.
Phil Rodgers is a cheeky chappy from Bath. No-one likes him, but they fake it well.
Karen Willis is in charge of the early evening slot. We tried to get a Kirsty but failed. Karen is from Bolton, which may be a first for a newsreader. She's 29 and would like to see world peace and cheaper Britvics.
Our Reporters:
Nigel Bandy has a name which is not nearly so odd in Scandinavia.
Elaine Buckley has a really deep voice. It's a bit unsettling. We keep her in the Eastern Bloc where she hangs around with rough Ukrainian soldiers. She's like Marlene Dietrich to them.
Peter Frampton gets sick of the jokes. He's one of our all-rounders and has never "come alive".
Sue Hatton is our Westminster correspondent. She's socialist by inclination, but has a strange thing about Michael Portillo.
Tim Fraglierra is gay and of Latin stock. He interviews Portillo because Sue is under a restraining order. He is also our Latin Affairs correspondent, our Gay correspondent and our junior Health correspondent.
Sharon Glover is our senior Health correspondent. She also does local interest stories involving pork pies, for some reason.
Colin Monk is no relation to Janice. Getting slightly podgy, we send him out to earthquakes. Otherwise he gets the tedious local interest jobs.
Helen Montgomery is quite good at French. So we put her in Paris.
Derren Noyes is our man in Africa. He is black, and wears a big floppy hat. He is something of an icon because of it.
Geoff Patterson lives in a hotel in Washington. He hates it. He's trying to come up with some crazy scheme to make his life interesting. But he's failing.
Bill Titley could only go to the far east. He lives there with a rented child-bride.
Karl van Heuys comes from Southend and does our Middle East reportage.

Oh Mother!
30mins - Single Stream
ACNC TV's only sit-com. David Baddiel is inept psycho-analyst, David Jacobi, trying to escape from his overbearing and disapproving mother (played by Maureen Lipman). David is firmly in the camp of Jung, but his mother assumes his methods are Freudian. Hilarity ensues. Described as Frasier meets Sorry! meets So Haunt Me!

Open Slot
1hr 30mins - Dual Stream - W
Open Slot is a video art platform for budding young film-makers and crusty old artists alike. Dual-stream feed is either used for interactive programmes or else to squeeze two films into one slot. The latest ACNC DVD burners are, of course, able to tape two video streams and a teletext stream onto a single DVDR. Perhaps a worthy investment...

30mins - Dual Stream
Big-studioed, interactive, geography-oriented kids gameshow. Spawn of Satan, Mark Thatcher, is the ironic host in a big chair very high-up. Kids in little cars have to drive to various internationally themed sets to gain air-miles. The weakest of our kids, interactive, big-set, adventure game-shows, but still bearable.

Pier Review
30mins - Single Stream
Adrian Morley walks the coast of the British Isles, visiting each pier along the way. Every week, he is joined by a celebrity of some kind for an interview and a performance.

Premiership Scrabble
45mins - Dual Stream
Rutger Hauer introduces dual-streamed highlights of top level British Scrabble-playing. Compelling viewing. With analysis from Stephen Fry.

1hr 30mins - Dual Stream - W
Poker pros take part in ACNC's televised championships. The show innovates the Channel 4 Late Night Poker approach with the addition of interactive direction. Presented by Johnny "Sharkface" McCallum and Margaritte "The Avon Lady" Lafayette.

Radavan Karadjic
Daily, 7pm: 2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Groovy tunes and such-like from the elecric badger. Archived from 10pm.

Saturday Night at the Lindrick Palais
Saturday, 8pm: 1hr 30mins - Dual Stream - W
Variety show (gasp). Cutting edge stand-up, music, and whatever else takes our fancy. Now interactive for even greater variety. Archived at 10pm.

Saturday Night Play
Posted Saturday, 10pm
1hr 45mins - Single Stream
This is our slot for any really well acclaimed plays we can get hold of.

Scream Inn
45mins - Dual Stream
Sophie Ellis-Bexter  and Mark E. Smith host the frighteningly complicated kids TV gameshow-serial. Four teams of four kids must make their way through a haunted house without getting got by all things nocturnally bumpy. Part gameshow and part reality-TV nightmare, with the 16 children genuinely locked in a dark house in the middle of the night. Each room has a different puzzle, each child has a secret weapon... the whole thing is a bit tricky for adults to understand (including the presenters), but the kids that watch seem to enjoy it. Mark E. Smith is the parents' get-out with his nonchalant and uncomprehending approach, not to mention his hatred of the brats. Subject of a number of newspaper campaigns and a broadcasting standards inquiry. Shown in two streams for interactive directing.

Posted Saturday, 7:30pm
15mins - Dual Stream
Astronomy magazine with Rich Tarn. Second stream carries starmaps and images.

Sounding Off
30mins - Single Stream
Evan Paris reviews the latest musical releases, and selected concerts. Plus all the latest music-related news.

Posted Sunday, 6pm
1hr 30mins - Dual Stream
Posted Wed/Thu, midnight
"Sportsview Take 2" (a more irreverent look at the week's sport)
1hr 15mins - Single Stream
ARS Sportsview: Daily, 3pm
2hrs - Single Stream Radio
Sportsview is ACNC's sporting magazine, broadcast in two report streams for choice of reports. The sporting events of the week covered and discussed.
The presenters:
Ali Fry is a former wheelchair athlete. She is married with two sons.
Jim Harkin is a retired PE teacher with a vindictive streak, an acid-tongue and a passion for rugby.
The reporters:
Geoff Alison is getting on a bit now and sometimes falls asleep alas... He used to work on BBC Radio Lincolnshire.
Jill Benn is a retired rollerskater. She saw Sport Relief and thought she could do better, so now she's here presenting the revamped "Sportsview Take 2".
Rita Gunn is our correspondent for sports involving chunky people. She now also co-presents the revamped "Sportsview Take 2".
Ted Moleneux  is a hyperactive and excitable fellow and has to be fed mogadon during reports.
Alan Psalter is our best commentator, but he drinks too much.
See also our various specialist sports programmes.

Stressed Dog
15mins - Single Stream
Of all the things in the world... a cartoon version of Hancock's Half Hour.

Sunday Night Session
Sunday, 10:30pm
1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Weekly session performances from three guest collectives. Archived 6am Monday.

The Sunday Stalker
Main Show: Sunday, 7pm: 2hrs - Multi-Stream
Daily Gameplay: Midnight: 2hrs - Single Stream
Daily Updates: 11pm - 30mins - Single Stream
Glynn Bravik presents the large-scale version of hide & seek. The parents of this show were quite obviously Interceptor, Crystal Maze and Wanted. A fine pedigree. Click here for the rules.

Weekdays: 10am: 1hr 30mins - Single Stream
Daytime discussion show with an emphasis on current affairs. Archived at midday.
Lana Botney is one of our rising stars. Promoted from her talk-show on ACNC Radio, she's proving immensely capable in her new position. Has to be kept apart from Janice Monk.

Three Thinking
30mins - Tri-Stream
Triple-headed science magazine. The first stream, under the auspices of Fred Harris, investigates the latest scientific applications in the works. Stream two sees Heinz Wolff and Wilf Lunn test out new innovations to investigate whether or not they are really any good. Finally, Johnny Ball examines the science behind life and soap powder.

Posted Saturday, 6pm
45mins - Single Stream
Terry Wogan takes on the lousiest gameshow on television, and wins. Dusty Bin now has the voice of Alan Deddicot... ...and the Buck Rogers Dancers are ever at hand for a bit of expressive literalism. Pauly Walters sits at the edge of the stage and occasionally chucks in snide comments, adding to the heart-warming zoo-chaos of this surreal programme.

Weekend Forum
Posted midday, Sunday
1hr 15mins - Single Stream
Topical, open-floor discussion series with the emphasis on political debate.

Women's Football
Live and interactive coverage of the Women's Football League. With commentary from Alan Psalter and Rita Gunn. Includes selected goals from the week's other matches.