The recent Superman spin-off, Smallville, has inspired me to write a few things:
 

YOUNG INDIANA JONES (SERIES)
Someone who isn't River Phoenix wanders round a desert for far too many hours, getting into "hilarious scrapes". Not for the faint-hearted.
 

YOUNG SHERLOCK HOLMES & THE PYRAMID OF FEAR
A precocious student and his speccy friend find themselves in an Indiana Jones movie because of Sherlock's gooiness over a girl. Moriaty checks into a hotel at the end of the credits but no sequel comes of it.
 

YOUNG JAMES BOND & THE AMAZING TECHNICOLOR DREAMCOAT
In an all male boarding school, Bond must outwit his arch-nemesis Blofeldt. The scene where bond is pinned to a bill-board is about as hairy as it gets for him. The bond-girl here comes in the shape of saucy english teacher Miss Moneypenny. Oh yes. Hmm. All this to the backdrop of a school play. Nasty.
 

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN / YOUNG EINSTEIN
Carry On style series. The first is a Mel Brooks number. Brr... The second is Australian. That's all you need to know I think. Also in the series: Young Tom Edison, Young Mr Lincoln, Young Mr Pitt, Young Winston. Of these, the last's a killer!
 

YOUNG STRANGERS ON A TRAIN / YOUNG REBECCA / YOUNG PSYCHO
Three Hitchcock numbers thought for many years to be lost. A Young Vertigo was also considered and would've used smaller buildings than the original. Young Psycho was immediately banned. Why Hitchcock made these films is unclear. All they really served to do was inspire Alan Parker to make Bugsy Malone. Bastard.
 

YOUNG JAWS
Animated series in which a baby shark gets into hilarious scrapes. Eclipsed by Sharky and George.
 

YOUNG RIPLEY AND THE ALIENS
Another animated series. Here, a teenage version of Ripley is generated from found DNA. She struggles with the problems of growing up without parents on board an alien-ridden space-ship. Buffy cash-in, essentially.
 

YOUNG OBI-WAN KENOBI AND THE ATTACK OF THE CLONES
Pappy tosh in which Ewan McGregor pisses about in the rain, fighting against men in plastic suits. A barrel scraper for a tired franchise.
 

YOUNG DOCTORS
The Christopher Timothy day-time medical drama series gets a kids-tv spin-off. That annoying kid from Coronation Street takes the lead role in this tacky sub-quality childrens' soap.
 
 

Ivan Methuselah.