ANSX: The Gospel According to Alex
[DURATION: c.65']
EXT - A FOGGY AVENUE - MORNING

A tree-lined rural lane, with some ammount of mist about. Establish with curious birdsong.

A slight rumble escalates in the right speaker.

A dust-cloud escalates through reverse footage. This entire scene is backwards.

A horse-drawn carriage clop-clips into shot.

A reverse gunshot rings in.

Shot of ALEX in highwayman gear, clutching a musket and grinning.

He is on the footplate at what was the far side of the coach. The coach is now stationary.

He leaps majestically off the coach, which has the number 403 painted on its door.

His gun is trained on the windows.

He steps up to the windows, and pokes his head and gun in.

 CUT TO:
INT - CARRIAGE - MORNING

ALEX's face grins at us. He looks around.

WILLIAM (Bill Nighy) and MIRIAM (Emma Forbes) sit opposite each other in Regency costume.

ALEX kisses WILLIAM passionately. He looks around, grinning, again. His head leans back out through the window.
WILLIAM tentatively pushes up a wooden panel over the window.

Shot of the wooden panneling.

A series of backwards knocks (the usual knocking rhythm, in reverse).

MIX TO:
INT - A UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM IN THE 1980s - EVENING

Some sort of activist meeting. A room of c.50 people sit on plastic chairs before a row of three adjoined tables behind which sit STEW, MARY (Sophie Ellis Bextor) and JOHN (Nick Frost).

STEW is dressed like a teacher. He has a patched corduroy jacket and matching trousers, and wears a white shirt with a thin red tie. On his lapel are three small badges, one red, one yellow, one green. His hair is shorter than normal, though far from heavily cropped. His beard is thin. He sits on the left (from the POV of the audience).
MARY had a big brown perm like Judith Hann, and wears a long, belted, cotton jumper in pink and white stripes. Below this is a white pencil-skirt to below the knee. She has plastic jewellery. A grey mac is hung on the chair-back.
JOHN has over-bleached blonde hair, and wears a brilliant-white suit with a crucifix pin-badge and a fish pin-badge in the lapel. His shirt is blue and his tie is shiny white. He should look like a cross between an American TV evangelist and Bowie's Thin White Duke (if Bowie were a dedicated gourmet critic). He sits on the right for the audience.

The audience are all eating Guardian-wrapped portions of fish & chips.
Stew and Mary share a portion, spread out between them on the table. John has his own double helping. There are maps and ring-binders on the table too, and a stetson hat to John's left, at the edge of the table.

When we first enter this scene, STEW is not sat, but is stood at a blackboard behind the three desks. The blackboard has the formula "1Nn=(234.6-Nft)SdT" written on it on the left. There is space on the right.

STEW
So...

He turns to write in chalk:
"makarioi oi chneV, oti autoi klhronomhsousin thn ghn"

As he writes, he speaks:

STEW
Makarioi oi cheenes, oti autoi kleeronomeesousin teen geen.

He underlines it and dots it hard.

Mumbling from the crowd which continues through the following:

STEW
Mary:

He sits, passing the chalk to MARY, and taking a handful of chips.

MARY then gets up (with a chair scrape).

MARY clears off the formula but leaves the Greek. She draws a diagonal line: c.20°, right down.

Equally spaced along this she draws three large circles, which she dots and shades to make the appearance of the Filingdales golf-balls.

Meanwhile, JOHN, who like the rest of us is watching intently, subtly and accidentally knocks his hat off the table. He turns to see it fall away from him.
We closely watch it tumble, in slow motion, down the wooden side of the desk. But the floor has been removed, and the desk continues infinitely down.
The hat tumbles out of the frame.

MIX TO:
EXT - SHEEP FIELDS & ENVIRONS - EVENING

We are in Derbyshire. All around are grassy fields, and at random intervals across the fields are the smouldering and charred remains of what might once have been sheep. Charred exploded skeletons and flaming pools of lanolin.

Pan across the scene. Mainly of sky, and the tops of cliffs and hills.

Some birds flap across the sky to break up any monotony. They should not be geese.

On one cliff, to the left of shot, walks on a man in full Scottish garb: all ruffles and kiltiness. He is JOE (Frazer Hinds).

He appears to be playing the bagpipes, but as we get a closer look (for that is what the camera is going to do) we notice that it is, in fact, a dead goose that he's blowing down.

We arc right around him, below him, like some Bon Jovi video, as he throws himself into his goose playing.

As the shot reveals more of the cliffery, we notice, on a solitary rock, ZOE (Leah Bracknell).

ZOE has medium length black hair with a fringe and an elasticated lavender-blue headband. She wears a moddish black mini-dress and black knee-length lace-up boots. Over this she wears a black, fitted, mini-length woollen overcoat, buttoned up. She is quite windswept.

At her chest she clutches a posy made up of heather, forget-me-nots, mother-die, red campion, burnet rose, Yorkshire fog, and lime leaves.

ZOE
Yea, when this flesh
And heart shall fail,
And Mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess
Within the veil
A life of joy and peace.

There is one more figure on these rocks, who fades into the sound mix now. He is JIM_DT (David Troughton), who wears a big fake-fur coat and a floppy hat (all very Flannagan & Allan).

He is accompanying the song on a penny whistle.

We don't go for a close-up of him, just have him pottering in the background.

ZOE
When we've been there
Ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun...
We've no less days
To sing His praise
Than when we've first begun.

The music finishes on a dissonant chord.

JIM_DT continues on his whistle, in spite of the fact that the song has ended. He is playing Goodbye My Coney Island Babe.

His performance fizzles out as he realises the song is over.

He looks about for some sort of feedback.

ZOE and JOE enter shot, minus their previous baggage.

ZOE
Where are we, Doctor?

JIM_DT takes a resigned breath.

JIM_DT
Driffield.

CUT TO:
EXT - CROISSANT - EVENING

Distant shot of Croissant. Croissant is a built up version of the University of York, and we last saw it in Ep5. It should look the same as then.

As the simultaneous shots come to a close, OMRA (Matthew Perry) comes into shot from below. He is close to the camera, which will have to shift focus rapidly, and has arrived in shot by virtue of walking up the hill the camera is on.

This incarnation of OMRA is the young, unprostheticed version as seen in Babysham. He wears a brown dressing gown (with white and brown rope piping) and slippers, and carries a futuristic shepherd's crook.

He comes closer, blacking out the shot.

CUT TO:
EXT - CLIFFS - EVENING

Reverse angle as OMRA approaches JIM_DT, ZOE and JOE, waving and saying:

OMRA
Hello there.

A yellow and blue droid, ATOO, rolls past. It looks a bit like a remote controlled pedal-bin.

It is comical on the uneven ground.

OMRA
Come by!

The droid turns and rolls into a rock.

JIM_DT rolls his eyes but his friends look on in awe as we...

WIPE UP TO:


 EXT - FLAMINGO LAND PENGUIN ENCLOSURE - AFTERNOON

TWO MALE PENGUINS (FX), very much in love, sit nursing an egg-shaped rock. They kiss each other a bit. They are uninterested in the distant sounds of a sermon that are drifting into the mix from the left. They increase in volume as we pan about the scene to reveal a rapturous flock of penguins (this pair excluded), stood listening to JOHN (stood in the water in full evangelist garb):

JOHN
And I will strike down upon thee, with great vengeance and furious anger,
those who attempt to poison and destroy my brother.
And you will know my name is the Lord...
...when I lay my finger upon thee.

He points directly at the gay couple.

The couple squawk with indignation, and nuzzle each other, as we hear a splash off.

We see that JOHN is baptising one of the penguins, blessing it with the sound of a crossed theremin.

JOHN
(to camera)
He comes not in peace but with a shotgun.

We maintain the subtle laps of water, but hear no more dialogue in this frame.

JOHN wades through the water towards the gay couple, stopping occasionally to baptise any penguins in his path. His approach consequently takes a little time.

The gay penguins are increasingly worried as JOHN comes up to them.

With some considerable splashing, and an amusing double-squeak, JOHN boots both penguins into the air. They hurtle through the overcast sky (clearly stuffed, and distantly shot).

The penguins fly out of shot leaving only empty grey-white sky.

We tilt down to a side view of JOHN, and pull out to get a better view as he bends down to pick up the rock-egg.

He sniffs the rock-egg and examines it, quizically.

A shot of the side of the pool. JOHN's hand enters shot and cracks the rock against the edge. From the rock pours thick, treacly blood. The blood runs into the water, and the water goes disproportionately bloody (all very Scorsese).

The clouds of blood...

 ...MIX TO:
EXT - DEVONSHIRE GREEN, SHEFFIELD - DAY

Spinning bullet-cam (slow-mo; we'll vary the rate to synch-up events as necessary), out of the gun, through the skate park and across the green towards the road and the bookshop beyond.

In our line of fire is an approaching armoured 2CV, and beyond that the first floor window of the book shop. Broken glass is raining from that window, in which stands BABYSHAM whose laser eye is going haywire and spilling light in all directions.

Another bullet is in our shot, also spinning towards the 2CV, at a slightly different angle to us. We might also make out two bullets coming in the opposite direction, from the window to the car, but, as they're small and pretty much head on (with a car increasingly in the way), it will be hard to see them.

Our bullet and the second bullet tear through the wall of the 2CV at the same moment (but in different places), and our bullet continues up through the darkness and into the stomach of a cowled ALEX who is driving the vehicle. It then passes through Alex (all pumping tissue) and out the other side. We can now see that the head of GOD (a comp-gen Dennis Potter) is in line of fire.

We go thwacking into the back of his head, still in line with the window of the book shop. As we impact, the screen fills with an explosion of blood and mercury, and then whites out.

Accompany the above with a buzzing crescendo of sound that cuts out at the impact.

Beat.

Overhead shot of the 2CV, which now has its top off. There is chaos all around. Sound is subdued like after a rock concert. JACKIE (Julia Sawalha), dressed as Jackie Kennedy, is screaming at ROBERT WINSTON (Alistair McGowan doing his Groucho Marx thing).

As we zoom closer, we see ALEX is rocking, clutching his stomach, in the front seat, while in the back, STEW is clutching and rocking GOD, but GOD's brains are, alas, spilling out all over the back seat, and mercury is dribbling down his chest. STEW is crying and babbling, and the rocking is causing the 2CV to shake.

We zoom further and further in, past STEW, and towards the dead and bloodshot eye of GOD.

We zoom right in, through the pupil, rotating the shot as we do so.

MIX TO:


 EXT - DEVONSHIRE GREEN - DAY

Blood is flooding from the whimpering ALEX's wound as he sits rocking in the driver's seat of the 2CV. TWO PARAMEDICS lift him out (in a seated position).

The PARAMEDICS lift ALEX into the back of a St John's Ambulance.
 

CUT TO:


INT - AMBULANCE - DAY

Therein, ALEX slowly allows himself to drop into a laid down position, on his back.

We see the back of a male nurse, dressed entirely in white, with a white hair-bag on his head.

He pulls a lamp down from the ambulance roof, to get a better view of ALEX's wound.

A shot of ALEX's face (eyes closed in acute pain).

The nurse's masked face comes into shot (think the Alien smelling Ripley).

The nurse pulls his mask down revealing himself to be JOHN.

He smiles, threateningly.

Shot of the wound: a bloody bullet-hole surrounded by a mass of scar-tissue.

JOHN puts a finger into ALEX's bullet-hole.

ALEX's eyes open as he screams.

JOHN pulls his finger out and licks it like a Cadbury's Flake.

ALEX is unconscious, as JOHN goes to a small fridge and opens it. Inside are chilled crucifixes, four bottles of Shepherd Neme "Bishop's Finger" (in the door), and packs of medical vials of holy water.

JOHN pulls out a pack of vials (marked with a suitably medical label baring a red crucifix and "Aqua Sancta" in swiss print), and unwraps it, taking one of the vials.

He uses the vial to fill a hyperdermic needle. The needle is marked with a crucifix.

JOHN puts the rest of the vials in his pocket.

He returns to the wound and thrusts in his free hand.

The wound is small, so this is quite a struggle, but JOHN gets his arm in right up to the elbow.

He struggles a bit and then pulls out, clutching Alex's detatched heart.

The heart comes out with a plop and a spurt of blood.

The needle glints in the medical light, and JOHN injects the auricle of the left atrium of ALEX's heart with the holy water.

The heart smoulders as if being attacked by acid.

JOHN cracks open another vial and takes a swig as if it were a bacterial health-drink.

He licks his finger again and then uses it to make a cross on ALEX's forehead.

He tears open ALEX's cowl.

He thrusts the heart at his chest. The heart disappears into the palm of JOHN's hand, and ALEX splutters and coughs. The scene is like John Hurt in reverse.

JOHN places his other palm over ALEX's wound, and shakes the choking ALEX.

With the ferrocious movement of a faith healer, JOHN tears his hand away from the wound, which is now unspoilt flesh.

His other hand slides up ALEX's chest to grip his neck.
There is no blood or any sign of the heart.
It now looks as if JOHN is throttling ALEX.

So it appears to TWO ST JOHN'S BADGERS (a boy and a girl) who appear at the back door of the ambulance.

BADGER GIRL
Hey! What you doing?!

JOHN looks at the cadets.

His throttling arm releases into an outstretched palm, and ALEX falls back to the bench, silent.

JOHN puts his palms together in prayer, and bows his head.

His clothes melt to the floor like Obi-Wan or a quicker Wicked Witch. There is no sign of JOHN.

We linger on this for a moment.

Then...

 MIX TO:
EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - EARLY MORNING

It is an overcast day in Heaven. We are at an abandoned airfield with a derelict conning tower. The ground is shrouded in mist.

Caption: HEAVEN

The Wedding Cake flying saucer spins slowly down to the ground.

It is a slightly bumpy landing, as the vehicular building comes to a stop.

Some CARDINALS with Biggles moustaches and carrying flags etc, mill about the landed registry office, seemingly doing airporty things.

Jets of steam from the building add to the mist on the ground.

The door of the registry office opens, and out strides GABRIEL flanked by a single NINJA.

PETER (Peter Simon) half-runs to greet GABRIEL. He wears a white sheath-dress and a pair of green wellies. He looks pretty cold, and constantly tries to warm his hands against his neon halo.

Distant shot as PETER bows a bit before GABRIEL and then gets him to follow into one of the pre-fab sheds at the side of the airfield.

 CUT TO:
INT - CUSTOMS SHED - DAY

Dry ice is all over the floor. There are two channels drawn on the floor: red and green, and at the centre of the room is a golden radar gate. The shot is distant, low to the ground, and fixed. The hangar doors in the distance are open.

PETER guides GABRIEL through the gate.

PETER
If you would step through the gate, my lord.

The gate beeps.

PETER
Don't worry about it.

GABRIEL seems somewhat annoyed, as a CARDINAL sweeps him with a hand-held radar thing.

It bleeps at GABRIEL's halo.

GABRIEL reluctantly sets about removing the halo assembly.

The CARDINAL assists GABRIEL with the halo.

GABRIEL tries to go through the gate again.

This time nothing bleeps.

The CARDINAL gives the halo a cursory glance before trying to fit it back on GABRIEL.

It's a half-hearted effort, and the halo wilts to one side.

FADE AND MIX TO:
EXT - SKATE PARK - DAY

ECU of the white slinky fabric of BHUVANA's outfit.

We pan slowly to take in the blood and mercury flowing from a gunshot wound near her appendix.

We pull out gradually to eventually reveal BHUVANA's dead form, which is tentatively being nudged by the foot of TINKER (Dudley Sutton).

Also in this scene, LETITIA (Amelia Bullmore) is sobbing over the corpse of SATAN (David Dickinson) who has been shot in the face.

And round the corner, JADE (Pooky Quesnel) is comforting a freaked out BABYSHAM who is sat on the banking of the skate park with his gun at his feet. His face is blank.

ALAN is walking towards the scene from the crowds by the road in the background. He is shot so that we don't see his left hand and all to his left. He looks depressed.

CU of BABYSHAM being tentatively comforted by JADE. A hand comes in and touches BABYSHAM's shoulder. We cut to a reveal shot showing the hand as that of MARTY (Neil Dudgeon). He wears a brown suit.

Reveal also that ALAN is being escorted to the scene (from the crowds at the road) by a POLICEWOMAN (Nula Conwell). Sundry POLICE mill close by, chattering into radios.

MARTY carefully picks up BABYSHAM's gun with his jacket sleeve, while still holding BABYSHAM's shoulder.

BABYSHAM doesn't react at all.

Everyone in this scene is pretty much stunned with the exception of the passionate LETITIA who kicks and screams into the arresting arms of the detective SPILLAINE (Darrell D'Silva) before collapsing into his chest in that defeated tearful melodrama cliché. A police incident cordon is being set up around the skate park in the background of the shot.

MIX TO:


EXT - SHEEP FIELDS - DAY

We mix to an overcast sky. We tilt down to see the lovely little sheepies munching on yummy-looking grass.

After an appropriate delay, one of the sheep explodes. A half-beat later, another goes, then another, and within a second or two the lot have blown up, showering wool and lamb-chops across the entire scene.

Without us realising, the shot has seamlessly split into two halves (merged together at the centre in a computer). The two halves now pan away from each other.
 

LEFT HALF
RIGHT HALF
We have a long pan (135°) left to reveal (a beat or two after the right half), in the shade of an outcropped cave entrance, ALEX, bent (evilly) over a cartoon-style dynamite-plunger (the wire going off into the grass). 
Lot of sub-clauses in that sentence. Could've drafted it better. Anyway...

ALEX comes out of the shade of his position, and walks towards the left of shot, stepping carefully through any large bits of sheep. 
We pan with him.
He shouts to someone out of shot, left (just ahead of OMRA's line in the opposite frame):

ALEX
That was fun!

We have a shorter pan right, c.90°, to reveal, at the side of a large rock, OMRA and ATOO, covered in sheep-guts. 
OMRA flicks away bits of intestine. Under the guts he wears white silk oriental pyjamas.
ATOO opens his lid, and a garden sprinkler rises up. It showers the little robot bin with water. The water splashes more on OMRA's leg than anywhere else. 
OMRA looks a little peeved. 
As they step towards the right of frame, they leave behind a bloodless silhouette on the rock. We pan with them; ATOO falls behind the pan and out of shot (left).

OMRA shouts to someone out of shot, right:

 
OMRA
We weren't ready!
The pan reveals OMRA and moves off ALEX. The two shots cross angle to achieve this. There is a distant rocky outcrop at the centre-point which both pass simultaneously.

By virtue of this cross-pan, the two frames have now reunified.

The pan reveals ALEX and moves off OMRA. The two shots cross angle to achieve this. There is a distant rocky outcrop at the centre-point which both pass simultaneously.

By virtue of this cross-pan, the two frames have now reunified.

So now ALEX is at the right of shot, facing OMRA who is to the left of shot. The scene is getting ominously dark, but not night.

ALEX
I got a bit eager...

The left frame now cuts to a shot of ATOO putting away his sprinkler and reaching OMRA's heel. He bangs into OMRA's leg as if badly controlled. The right frame holds on its shot of ALEX looking like he's had a lot of fun. He's surveying the carnage and enjoying every minute of it.
Dissolve to a shot of a blank grey sky. Then some lightening flashes through. ALEX inhales as the scene is lit up by lightening, out of shot.

ALEX
I love the smell of lanolin on fire.

The thunder rattles. It is tremendously loud. As it does so, we tilt down to reveal this sky to be over a new setting:

EXT - SNIG HILL - NIGHT

We're in a high vantage point, probably on the Peel House walkway, looking out across West Bar. Establishing shot of the "Woollens for Signs" red neon ensemble flickering in the distance in the pouring rain. A double-decker passes by in the foreground, obscuring the shot.

Cut to ATOO, who whistles and trembles.

A heavy downpour begins to fall, with large drops of rain pinging off ATOO's metal dome.

OMRA's hand pats ATOO's dome, releasing rivulets of blood that wash down the side.

ATOO does a sad downward swannee whistle, like a maudlin clanger. FADE.

EXT - SNIG HILL - CONT

We use the passing bus to cut to a shot from across the road. The bus moves out of the way to reveal a low-angle gothic shot of the Sheffield Police Station. Lightening flashes at the same time as that in TOP RIGHT, X-raying the radio mast on the roof, and providing a bit of atmosphere.

Move to an angle showing enough of the entrance that we know where we are, as a figure dashes across the road in the rain. He is stooping, with his coat up around his neck, and seems to be carrying something inside his coat. The moon is reflected, but is not seen in any sky that may be visible.

Closer angle of the entrance, as the figure approaches and pushes at the door.
 

INT - POLICE LOBBY - CONT.

Establish with appropriate posters about the place. The door is in shot, with the figure, now increasingly identifiable, stepping through into the dry. It is CHE_F (Art Malik), a Turkish fast-food vendor. He is wearing a white overcoat turned brown by blood-stains, and grey by rain. His knackered demeanour suggests the blood is his, but this need not be the case. On his head is a wilting chef's toque. He is unshaven and very wet.

He shakes himself off and approaches a counter, where the POLICEWOMAN from earlier is slumped in boredom and uniform. She sees CHE_F and steps away from the counter.

CHE_F digs into his coat. Shot of the desk. A dead and bloody pheasant thwacks down onto it.

CUT TO:
EXT - SUTTON-ON-SEA BEACH BAR, 1980s - EVENING

We are outside a bar on the prom down from Mablethorpe. Shoot to incorporate the sand of the beach, but not the sea. We will need to consult tide tables in advance to find an evening when there's some sand to look at.

MARY, STEW and a ginger JOHN are sat on the sea defences, drinking from bottles of Israeli lager. An illuminated green HOME ALES sign is above the bar behind them, but with HOME ALES written in Hebrew.

Adoring crowds are sat around the three: on the wall, on the tables behind them, and below the sea wall, on the beach. Some are still eating chips. STEW is eating garlic-flavoured Seabrook crisps.

It is a breezy night.

Dialogue for this scene is in Aramaic, with English subs.

STEW
And he opens his eyes and says "Thanks a bunch.
I was just getting it on with the Queen of Sheba"!

Laughter. One of the extras behind them squeezes in, proffering a bit of paper which STEW duly autographs.

MARY
This beer is like weasel waz.

STEW
(to extra)
Thanks.
(to Mary)
I can liven it up a bit if you like.

MARY
Go for it.

He waves his free hand at her bottle.

STEW
Zim-zalla-bim.

STEW (cont)
Barley wine.
(to John)
John?

JOHN
Zap it, daddy-o.

STEW
Ta-da.

JOHN
Nice one.

Another autograph hunter gets STEW's scrawl. We don't study it.

A "POV" shot of the sun setting over the dunes (no sea in sight). Add a little post-production heat-haze.

STEW signs another autograph. MARY cleans out her nails. JOHN is lounging and looking at the sky.

We have a couple of closer shots of MARY and JOHN.

Close shot of MARY. She looks up.

MARY
How's it going to end?

STEW looks up from signing yet another autograph. We don't see who for yet.

STEW
What?

Sunset.

MARY fingering her nails again.

STEW
There you go. Be good now.

STEW passes the signed paper to the autograph hunter: ALEX, dressed as he was in Episode 6. ALEX smiles an evil grin and pockets the paper.

MARY
It's going to end badly, isn't it.

JOHN looking away to his left (our right).

STEW signing another autograph.

He comes back into the conversation.

STEW
(in English - no sound)
Is it..?

MARY
(in English - no sound)
Yes.

STEW downs his drink.

Shot of JOHN clasping his hands impatiently.

STEW
(in Aramaic - no sound)
Crisp?

JOHN takes one.

MARY
(in English - no sound)
You're not taking this seriously.

STEW
(in English - no sound)
I suppose not.

JOHN
(in Aramaic - no sound)
Damned good crisps.

MARY, shaking her head, looks impatiently to her right (our left).

Sunset shot, with the silhouette of ALEX walking over the dunes and away from us.
 

FADE TO BLACK
EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN - DAWN

This is a mock-up of the roof garden of the now demolished Sheffield Town Hall Extension. The THX was a beautiful hexagon-based egg-box thing, and on the top was a lawn. We've done a spot of gardening beyond that that existed under the council's auspices.

Our initial shot is of a stripey lawn. Not as ECU as Blue Velvet, but start quite close and pull out. The lawn is being watered, and the camera pulls back through the shower of an as yet unrevealed watering can. Consequently, it looks, for now, like rainfall. This effect is assisted by the rainfall in Bottom Left.

The pull-out reveals the watering can.

As we pull out further, we see that the watering can is being operated by UTU (Mark Steel).

UTU wears the brown overcoat of a caretaker, beneath which are slightly baggy jeans and a black velour jumper, or maybe a checked shirt or something if it's warm. His clothes should be characteristically mid '90s, but not overly so.

He is a council lackey of some kind, and seems spectacularly bored. He handles the can in a lazy and rather desultory fashion.

His initial position should be facing us, with the can lolling from a weakly held right arm, slightly camp and strangely statuesque.

The sun is rising from behind Park Hill. It creates an occasional rainbow effect in the water from the can, and all is bathed in the orange of sunrise.

After holding this pose for a moment or too, UTU is now free to wander the garden, watering hither and thither.

We follow from various positions.

As the scene goes on we reveal more and more of our environment. It should not have been instantly recognisable as a roof garden, let alone a specific location. By the end of the scene, a person who knows Sheffield should have a moderately good idea as to where we are. But what is key is that we establish this as a roof garden and, to an extent, an identifiable location.

A shot of water sprinkling onto the mud of an unflowering flower bed.
Tilt up to reveal the trunk of a lime tree. Continue to the top, pulling out until the whole tree is in frame.
 

Pan around the tree.

The pan reveals INANNA (Claudia Winkleman), polishing the tree's leaves. It is evident that she cares for the tree much more than UTU does.

She wears a black velvet sheath dress with some length to it, and black ankle boots with chunky heels. Around her neck is a black cord on which hangs, at her middle, a chunky metal star with eight points (the tines are fairly stubby). She also wears a lot of chunky silver bangles, and fairly dark makeup. There is a thin silver belt around her waist.

Like UTU, INANNA's fashion should be about ten years out of date, so resist the temptation to overdo the '80s retro. It needs to be '90s retro while at the same time being a somewhat classical ensemble.

A look of concern on INANNA's face.

Shot of her fingering a leaf that has clearly been nibbled.

INANNA
Utu?

Utu is enjoying the view of the city.

UTU
Mm?

INANNA
Something is eating of the tree.

UTU
Mm... Right you are, Inanna...

Scanning shot of the tree... intercut with INANNA's face to establish POV. We catch a slight movement above. Pause. More movement.

Hold on this. Closer angle.

Reveal GILBERT THE GECKO (a gecko) scurrying along a branch and into a hole in the tree.

INANNA screws up her face.

INANNA
It's a Gecko.

UTU
(flatly)
Is it..?

INANNA
Yes.

Disinterested, UTU continues his half-hearted watering.

INANNA
How do we get rid of a Gecko?

UTU
Napalm?

INANNA
You're not taking this seriously.

UTU
I suppose not.

INANNA
Damned Geckos.

She tiptoes up to the hole, which is only a little crack, and prods at it with a cotton bud she produces from behind her ear.

GECKO (off)
Eek.

INANNA tiptoes again, and puts her face up to the hole.

CUT TO:
INT - LIME TREE

Reverse angle. GILBERT sits (only mildly anthropomorphically) in a luxurious Chip'n'Dale style living-space, illuminated by a small log-fire. INANNA's eye peers in, all King Kong like.

EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN

CU of UTU looking on, bemused. Park Hill runs across the horizon behind him. The sun is behind his head, and creates an orange radiating halo effect.

He turns his head and looks out, 90° to the camera, keeping the sun behind him. He breathes like he's peeing, and his breath is visible in the cool of morning.

Shot past his legs. He's taken off the rose head from the watering can, and so we see a steady trickle of water into the bushes. We don't see the can.

Reverse angle, wider, with UTU and the can in shot. Beyond, INANNA is straining up over the tree with a hi-tech bow and arrow -- all counterweights and crosshairs like they have at the Olympics or what have you. The arrow is trained on the Gekko's hole.

She holds her uncomfortable position. All this straining is in the background, as part of a curious tableau, with UTU and his watering in the foreground, and the city of Sheffield stretching out in the distance.

She finally releases her arrow.

As she fires, she falls backwards, out of shot. This probably requires the tree to be in some raised flower bed.

At the same moment, or just after, the flow of UTU's water trickles to an end. He breathes a satisfying breath, and then looks over towards the tree

The arrow is wobbling in the hole, and we offer a close up of this.

If possible we should have the tree occluding the sun, such that the sun's rays are spilling out at the sides slightly. But this may not be possible without blinding us and plunging the detail of the scene into darkness; in which case we shall improvise as needed, and select a more appropriate angle for the tree / camera.

A thick red blood begins to flow, ominously, from the crack in the tree. It's a really slow and sinister flow, and we hold on the shot of the wobbling arrow and the bleeding tree.

The blood just keeps coming. The more blood we see, the more it comes, so that the slow overflow of the beginning becomes a real tidal torrent.

The vulviform crack adds to the menstruousness of the scene. Which makes the arrow some sort of phallic symbol, I suppose.

Gradually fade to black.

Beat.

INT - NCP MULTISTORY WARREN UNDER ARUNDEL GATE

This is actually a shot of the roof, which has a whitewashed box-concrete design.

This scene is completely silent and slightly slow.

This dramatic shot pulls down to reveal the setting. We're using a slightly fish-eyed lens. There in the centre of shot, arm outstretched like someone in a dance video, is JOHN, in a big white coat - part lab coat, part cloak.

JOHN
(no sound)
Take a chance...

The camera tracks away from him. He holds his beckoning stance. It should be dramatically lit. There should be a cathedral quality somehow. The flickering strip-lights might help.

FADE TO BLACK.
Beat.

Central vertical wipe open to reveal:

INT - GODLY THRONE ROOM - DAY

Establish the view of God's throne room as seen from the door. It is a big white and light grey room that looks a bit like a negative version of the Death Star throne room in Return of the Jedi. Certainly God's throne is very like that of the Emperor's, only grey-white, and there is a big round window behind. The glass in the window is stained a different colour for each pain. Beyond is clouds.

The lower floor of the room is full of dry ice. The mezzanine on which the throne is placed is made of glass.

There are seven mushroom-like RotJ pedestals glowing with orange-lit panels.

There are twelve benched thrones on each wall. In the right group snore the following sleeping figures:

Rubens Barrichello (F1 Driver) in flameproof suit;
Simon Groom (of Blue Peter fame);
Nick Kamen, naked but for his jeans;
Geoff Capes, naked but for a kilt. His flesh is painted red;
Bernard Hill;
Ian Lavender in a US desert forces uniform;
Dani Behr in a black babydoll nighty;
Gareth "Gaz Top" Jones dressed as a miner, complete with helmet and coaldust;
John Cleese dressed as Hitler. His uniform smoulders and there is occasional light flame;
Jane Asher in an apron and covered in flour. She has some light pastries on a tray in her lap;
Philip Schofield in stereotypically gay outfit including too-small gaudy multicoloured jacket;
Goldie Hawn in a green US army uniform and tin hat.

In the left group, also sleeping:
The first chair is empty;
Andrew o'Connor dressed as a sea-fisherman, in oilskins etc;
Piers Brosnan (JAMES) in black tie;
The fourth chair is empty;
Philippa Forester;
Natalie Portman, dressed in leather;
Tom Paulin, sleeping with his fingers pressed to his nose. One finger is bloody;
The eighth chair is empty;
Matthew Paris, wearing jeans and a bowler hat;
Simon Pegg, clutching a big wobbly saw;
The eleventh seat is empty;
Janet Ellis a la JEMIMAH Orson.

Parading about in the middle of the room is a six-winged silver lion covered in eyes. The eyes blink at irregular intervals, and the eyelids are furred.

The lion stops and looks in our direction. Light glints off it, beautifully.

Reverse angle to show GABRIEL stood in the doorway flanked by two NINJAs. The dry ice is escaping through the door. He steps forwards, and the door zjungs shut. The NINJAs pull out automatic weapons.

The lion leaps forwards, towards the camera, with a roar.

It is shot down in a blaze of silver blood.

The twenty assembled councillors are roused by this gunfire.

GABRIEL marches purposefully forwards towards the throne.

Several councillors step up to arrest his progress.

The NINJAs let rip. The councillors' blood is the usual red, and the white walls of the throne room are splattered pink.
 

MIX TO:


EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN - NOON

We are in line with the level of the raised garden, such that UTU is sat on the bottom of the frame. He is laid on the wall, lounging about, idly carving a twig with a Swiss Army Knife.

He is startled by something, and looks up in its direction, which is straight ahead for him.

We hear an uncontrollable mooing from a disturbed cow.

Shot of INANNA trying to calm a Fresian cow called BESSY. BESSY is in a stable-doored shed up here and is acting like a worried horse.

INANNA is trying to pat her calm but this is having little effect.

CU of BESSY kicking back into the shed wall. She does this a couple of times and then we see a chink of light coming in from the side.

Shot of the shed from side-on, as the back wall falls to the ground.

EXT - PEACE GARDEN - NOON

It is the current, post-THX Peace Garden, but with the THX added through the wonders of technology.
A small orchestra in black tie is seated in the paved circular area in the bottom corner. They are sat poised to play, with a conductor stood before them with his back to us.

The shed wall floats down into the gardens. It disintegrates on impact, and showers bits of wood across the scene.

The orchestra do not flinch. Rather they are conducted into action, and begin playing the second run through of the Alla Hornpipe from the end of Handel's Water Music.

CUT TO:
EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN

BESSY collapsing forwards, banging her chin on the barn door.

The door falls forward off its hinges, and BESSY stumbles out as the music starts in BOTTOM LEFT.

INANNA staggers back out of the way as BESSY, with the dynamism of a demon dog from Ghostbusters, launches herself out across the roof garden. She pounds about, ruining the flower-beds and knocking over the beloved tree.

The tree cracks at its base and falls to the ground, rolling across the roof, vertically. It tumbles over the edge.

EXT  - PEACE GARDEN

The tree from TOP LEFT tumbles into our wide shot and sprays the orchestra with great drips of viscous red blood as they play on undaunted.

The tree falls head first into the top of one of the big green broccoli structures. Displaced water splashes over the sides.

EXT - ROOF GARDEN

As the first run through the music reaches its climax, BESSY leaps off the THX and onto the top of...

EXT - WINTER GARDEN - NOON

Her legs splay as they slip either side of the curved glass.

Again the Winter Garden post-dates the demise of the THX, but we've squeezed it in despite the slight overlap.

Much mooing as BESSY slides down the glass.

EXT - PEACE GARDEN

The waterfall mouth of the broccoli structure starts pumping out a river of blood, which turns the water in the channel below increasingly pink.

The music hits the quieter soloish bits and we cut to:

EXT - TUDOR SQUARE - CONT.

BESSY slides off the Winter Garden, and propels with immense momentum onto the green of Tudor Square, where she displaces great mounds of turf before charging across the square like a mad bull, turning cafe tables and causing general panic.

She charges into Norfolk Street, causing more chaos.

EXT - PEACE GARDEN

About 30 seconds into the piece, when the full ensemble kicks in again, the fountains on which they are seated activate. Slowly at first and then full power, showering them from below with water. The orchestra does not react. It keeps playing despite being increasingly wet.

We'll throw in a couple more repeats of those fanfare flourishes into the score to stretch it out a bit. And at the end of the piece, rather than stopping, the music segues to the  wibbly trillery of the first change in Vivaldi's Spring.
 

INT/EXT - (SUBWAY TO) FLAT STREET - CONT.

BESSY charging through the dark subway, causing people to squeeze against the piss-reeking walls. A beret-wearing BUSKER (Paul McCartney in one of those painful cameo roles that we've been forced to accept despite the hassle) is playing a guitar. She crushes the BUSKER's guitar as he  runs down the steps to Flat Street, shrieking -- his beret has flown off in the escape. BESSY charges after him into the daylight - the beret having settled on her own head.

BUSKER trips and falls to the floor. BESSY leaps over him and bounds into the road. She is charging straight at our camera placed over the road.

As the music fails to hit its final note on account of the segue, a double-decker bus thwacks into BESSY and takes her out of shot, left.

Shot up the road of the approaching bus, with BESSY pinned to the front by physics. The bus is the 666 to Certain Death.

EXT - PEACE GARDEN

The water in the channels around the garden is increasingly blood-red, and the fountain water is now pink and staining the shirts of the undaunted orchestra.

The music will merge with whatever incidental music we deem fit in coming scenes.

We tilt up to look at the old Town Hall, and beyond it the sky.

MERGE WITH:
EXT - CLIFFTOP - EVENING

Shot of sky. Tilt down.

Aw, look... a pwetty ickle lamb, frolicking down the hillside, munching on a tuft of clover.

The lamb explodes in a green flare. And just to make sure, several more explosions of varying size at the same spot.

Blood and fluff showers down on the clover patch. Perhaps also a spot of mercury.

Wider shot of the scene.

Shot of ALEX picking up a dynamite plunger and carting it off, cheerfully towards camera...

And past us, leaving us with the scene of smouldering wool.

 FADE TO BLACK & MIX TO:
EXT - FORESTY STUFF - NIGHT

A tree up the centre of the frame.

At the bottom of the tree, two little hands enter, belonging to a BUSH BABY which is climbing up the back of the tree.

The hands move up the trunk and are accompanied by a pair of feet.

The hands and feet lose their purchase and slip down the trunk.

Undaunted, the obscured BUSH BABY tries again.

The BUSH BABY slips again back to the bottom of the shot.

It tries again. Still it is behind the trunk but for its feet.

The BUSH BABY slips again, but just a little way.

It regains its ground and reaches the top of the frame.

Top down view. This shot reveals the BUSH BABY clinging to a decapitated tree trunk as if sat on it.

It looks up at us with an expression of achievement, but below it at the tree's base we see a MASKED LUMBERJACK, in a yellow safety helmet, enter shot and swing a chainsaw at the tree-trunk.

The BUSH BABY's expression melts into doomed fear as the trunk falls out of the centre of frame and the creature falls with it.

Shot along ground level. The BUSH BABY hits the floor, back-first, with a thunk and an adorable eek, and then the pointed pike of the tree-trunk spears the creature's furry belly, flinging the slightest splat of silver blood up the side, and pinning the loveable sack of eyeballs to the ground. The BUSH BABY blinks its big peepers in a final act. It is very sad because the creature is so endearingly cute and charming. So we do not dwell on the tableau.

The MASKED LUMBERJACK, out of shot himself, obscures the camera with his yellow safety helmet and we fade to black.

FADE UP ON:
EXT - TATTERSHALL CASTLE - DAY

Sky. Perhaps a Spitfire flying in the distance gives us some reason to pan.

A turret of Tattershall Castle comes into view from the right.

Hold, and mix to a new shot from ground level, looking through the stable ruins, to the castle.

A single male PEACOCK is flitting about going "wark" in an exasperated manner such as might summon the dead.

Arty crane shot up through the ruins of the stable.

The PEACOCK sweeps up diagonally into the sky.

We follow it back down to the ground.

Through the magic of television, ground is now the gravel car-park.

As the PEACOCK walks away from camera, we cut to a wider angle, showing a lot of early 1980s cars parked up.

The PEACOCK is pacing about purposefully.

We do not see all the parking spaces. The spaces on our right are out of shot.

Suddenly, without warning, the lightly screeching wheels of a red A-Reg Vauxhall Astra back up into shot from the right, squishing the screaming PEACOCK, whose tail-feathers splay under the crushing tyre. The car backs over the PEACOCK with both sets of wheels.

The car changes gear, turns and drives towards us.

The low angle of the shot prevents a view of the driver, as the car passes over the camera and out of shot.

We are left with a view of the mangled PEACOCK in a pool of guts and blood.

Wider, higher angle of same.

And again, to include the church and the barn.

Shot of same from roof of castle.
 

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

INT - POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

Shot from above, bathed in white neon glow. This is a recreation of the opening shot of the BABYSHAM spin-off.

As we zoom through the haze of the light we see that BABYSHAM is sat at a desk, meekly, with bandaging over his eyes. He is being harangued by a pacing MARTY. We may also notice ALAN in the corner, head bowed.

The zoom is quite slow.

When we get close enough for comfort, we can cut in MARTY pacing from a more conventional angle. Behind is the view of Snig Hill that we were shown in BS1.

We can also slot in shots of ALAN looking ashamed and BABYSHAM looking stunned and pathetic. SPILLAINE is also in the room, stood by the door.

MARTY stops and looks at BABYSHAM for an answer of somekind.

BABYSHAM is virtually dead to the world.

ALAN is wringing his hands in the corner.

The door opens and HOLLIS (Jeff Stewart), a uniform copper, enters. He whispers something to SPILLAINE.

ALAN notices. Something about the silent conversation breaks him out of his shock, and sets the cogs rolling in his mind. A look of concern / concentrated thought drips into his features, and he stops wringing his hands as he diverts more energy to the brain.

MARTY turns from SPILLAINE and HOLLIS:

MARTY
Interview suspended: 12:17am.

He glowers at his prisoners.

He leaves the room with HOLLIS. SPILLAINE stays as babysitter.

IRIS TO BLACK.

 
FADE UP ON:
EXT - CLOUDS - DAY

A shot through an orange filter. Clouds drifting past.

As we pull out, we catch a few red blurs that indicate that the filter is actually in shot. For it is an orange stained pain of glass in:

...INT - GODLY THRONE ROOM - DAY

And we shift focus, just as the red splodges (blood) are mopped up by a pink-stained cloth. Further pulling reveals the hand of a lowly angel and more spots of blood, from which we may cut to a wider angle.

ANGELS, in cleaning ladies' house coats of brown and/or blue checks are industriously mopping up the mess of the earlier massacre. They have their abundant golden locks up in curlers beneath Gracie Fields / Hilda Ogden head-scarves.

After a few moments the shot reveals, at the centre, in the throne, GABRIEL. He sits with one leg cocked over the armrest, and is turning his head left to right, flexing his fingers as he looks at them.

The door zjungs open revealing SIMON, CHE_F and several powerful-looking ANGELS. The group enters informally, except CHE_F who holds a staunch military position on SIMON's right hand.

There are 16 angels in the party, each dressed in Castro-style uniforms, and each sporting some attempt at a beard. SIMON maintains his previous costume: wellies and white dress. He also, increasingly, is clutching at his housekeeper-style array of keys that hang from his waist. He uses them in lieu of a rosary.
CHE_F's demeanour is one of power and aggression. He carries a kalashnikov, and now wears fatigues and a beret. He has good stubble.

SIMON curtseys as he approaches the throne. The door closes behind him.

Reverse to see GABRIEL standing up.

The 16 ANGELS, enter shot and enter into a mass of self congratulation with GABRIEL. They are clearly allies in the coup. CHE_F also approaches the throne, and his stiff form melts as he fires celebratory shots into the ceiling.

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

EDINBURGH - EARLY EVENING

Establish shot... Arthur's Seat in the background.

CAPTION: Caesarea Philippi

A red and blue panelled, clapped out '70s Ford Transit pulls up, obscuring the shot. The back doors swing open and out clamber SIMON and JOHN, followed by MARY and STEW. MARY has over-done mascara, SIMON has big curly hair, JOHN has ginger hair, and the whole group of them look more hippy than usual. But it shouldn't be over-played.

MARY passes a spiff to STEW, who takes a drag.

The group look about. SIMON pats on the closed back door of the van as the van drives away. He deports himself in the manner of a hard rugby player.

The group have no luggage. Together they head into the city.

STEW peels off and heads into a side-alley for to evacuate his bladder after the long journey north.

The others head on a little.

In the alley, STEW pisses.

A throat clears, and STEW looks up.

From a doorway appears a cowled figure. He saunters out like he's Orson Welles or something. He's clutching a piece of paper behind his back. His hood is down but his face is obscured by shadow. It is ALEX.

ALEX
I am the flame of life;
the defender of man.

Despite the intrusion, STEW continues his slashing, paying more attention to that than to ALEX. We concentrate on STEW and rely on the TOP LEFT as an effective ALEX shot.

STEW
I can cure that.

He waves his piss about a bit.

STEW
What you got there?

Shot of STEW turning his head to face ALEX for the first time since he first noticed him.

Side-on shot, with a torso-shot of ALEX and STEW (no heads). STEW snatches the paper from ALEX's mitts, though ALEX lets him without resistance.

STEW shakes off his last drops with his right hand and holds the paper up into the light with his left, resting it against the wall. There is an obvious masthead in bold Hebrew script.

The shot is suitably framed as to be worthy of a translating caption:

CAPTION:
DEED OF COVENANT

STEW begins to scrutinise the sheet with more seriousness than before.

As he reads, he forgets about his cock, bringing up his right hand to grasp the page.

STEW
How did you get this?

ALEX
You should be careful what you sign...

STEW
Seriously...

ALEX
It's your signature. In goat.
<beat>
Virgin goat at that.
That's just a duplicate.

STEW
Where's the original?

ALEX
Somewhere else.
Why? Wanna buy it?

A close shot of ALEX. He pulls down his cowl, showing him wearing round-rimmed mirrored sunglasses.

He looks up to the sky... a setting sun is visable along the alleyway -- in the reflection of the glasses.

STEW
Like that, eh?

STEW finally puts his cock away, gaining confidence.

Meanwhile, ALEX removes his glasses and holds them out before him... He's using them like a magnifying glass against the dying sun... squinting at the lens, held at arm's length:

ALEX
All the gold I could ever wish for is up there...

STEW looks across to the sun. Squints and recoils from the change in light.

STEW
What? In dem dere hills?

ALEX replaces his specs, and generates an air of scorn.

STEW is more nervous again.

STEW
Look. What is it you're after?

ALEX
Freedom.

As he says this, we see the sun setting through his glasses. As the sun vanishes, we...

MIX TO:
EXT - ATTERCLIFFE COMMON - DAY

Establish an empty main road outside a closed but car-full Mercedes garage.

Crane up and to the side to reveal, ECU in the foreground, the spiny metal tail-feathers of some great steel bird. It is a sculpture by Steve Baylock, outside the garage. The feathers are fairly stiff, but may shake a little in the breeze as we move back to reveal the bird in its splendour. We've polished it.

With the bird occupying the left of shot, we view up the road towards the Viaduct. Note that the area of the Viaduct and Meadowhall should be appropriately ruined after the events in Babysham, and this may go some way to explaining the emptiness of the road.

A ball of Tinsley Wire, that looks like a tumbleweed, bounces over the road.

And from the direction of the motorway, in a cloud of dust, comes the red Astra from the Tattershall shoot.

The shot recalls Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia. The car takes a while to reach us.

As the car gets recognisably near, we introduce speed shots of the car... viewing from the side, riding along behind the wheels, etc. One such shot is from behind the right rear, and we can see that a lot of the peacock, including a single tail-feather, is still attached to the tread.

The car is travelling at some speed as it approaches the main shot. It whips past the garage, causing the sculpture to rock in its draft. And as the car whips past, the blooded feather is dislodged from its tyre. It whips up and jams into the heart of the metal bird.

The car leaves shot, and we never see the driver, thanks to sunlight on the windscreen. The road is clear again... only the engine sound remains, dying away.

The bird is still rocking. The tail-feathers still twitch in the wind. But more so. Slowly, the bird spasms into life.

And after a few glittery movements, it flexes its wings.

The bird launches itself from its column with an eerie scrawing cry, and flies up into a full-shot sky. 


MIX TO:
INT - POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

CCTV style shot from corner of room, overseeing everything:

BABYSHAM at the centre, bowed down; his face out of shot.

ALAN sat in the corner clutching his hands.

MOODY (Andy Rashleigh) stood at the door as minder.

The door opens and in bursts MARTY.

He stops dead in his tracks.

Double takes.

Clutches door handle.

Looks around the door.

Leaves, closing door.

BABYSHAM raises his head belatedly and those of us with attention spans might notice he no longer has his eyes bandaged.

ALAN is looking at the door.

FADE / MIX WITH FLAME FX:
INT - CRYPT (as used by Bhuvana in Babysham) - DAY

Shafts of light suggest that somewhere outside is the daytime. But for the mostpart this is a dark place, lit with candles, and a pentagram of oily blue-orange flame on the slab.

We track past the pentagram, and reveal, clutching a long splint-match that is burning to the fingers, a cowled figure. Only his lips are visible, but when he speaks it will be fairly obvious that it is ALEX. He watches the splint burn to his fingers. It leaves no residual charred wood but burns away as a fuse. It sets light to his finger and thumb.

ALEX
I am the flame of life;
the defender of man.

As he says this, he passes his thumb from finger to finger, igniting the tip of each until all of his fingers on his (right) hand are burning like candles.

He holds the hand up into a beam of light coming from a hole in the wall. His hood slips back from his head and we see that he is wearing his round mirrored sunglasses.

He moves his fingers together and apart, blinking the flow of light past his hand.

A wider shot of the scene. Alex's head, strobing in the interrupted shaft of light.

He clenches his fist, quashing the flames but increasing the flow of light from the shaft. The light streams into camera and bleaches us out.

MIX TO:
EXT - VABRUGH QUAYS, YORK UNI., - MORNING

STEW and his ten disciples (as listed for the church hall footage), walking along like cocks of the yard, alongside the lake. Up front with STEW are SIMON, JOHN and MATTHEW, with the rest following. The footage is in slow motion. Funeral of Queen Mary plays over the top.

From inside his flowing coat, STEW produces a bike pump, extending it with a deft flick of the wrist. He then wheels around and whacks JOHN with it. JOHN, taken off guard, staggers sideways, and stumbles into the lake.

As this occurs, Purcell lovers will have noticed a subtle divergence in the chords being played, as the tune seamlessly segues into a rendering of the introduction to Abba's "Lay All Your Love On Me".

The music explodes in a shower of glitter, and we are in:

INT - SHEFFIELD ROXY - NIGHT

The Roxy was a big club that was desanctified and turned into a church. We've gone back in and '80sed it up.
A wurlitzer organ rises up the back of the room, being played by SIMON in big hair mode. He wears a glittering '70s disco dress.

The funky pair of phrases between the opening and the first verse allow us time to look around the building.

Then, emerging from behind a pillar, at the top of some stairs: JOHN with red locks, and disco-ed up red biblical robes, plus glittery boots and feather boa.

The whole thing is shot in soft focus with a diffuser.

JOHN
I wasn't jealous before we met;
Now every one that I see is a potential threat;
And I'm possessive -- it isn't nice;
You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice,
But now it isn't true,
Now everything is new,
And all I've learned has overturned;
I beg of you...

STEW descends on wires, with the descending tones. He wears a big white Demis Roussos kaftan thing, and is in full Barry Gibb hair and beard. He holds out his hand to us and sings along with JOHN:

STEW
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

We have a phrase of mild disco-funk, which begins with a DISSOLVE TO:

EXT - RIVER OUSE - EARLY MORNING

Various scenes with MADONNA (Christine Talbot) on a gondola, floating beneath the bridges of York. She wears blue and white biblical robes covering her head. Her face and hands are the only flesh on show. She has a perspex halo. Around her neck she has various beady necklaces, and around her wrists there are simple bangles. Her feet wear chunky Regency ankle boots, and she has white woolly tights beyond them. She gyrates sensuously about the boat, like a belly dancer with an inch she can't reach. The sequence is shot a la Like a Virgin.

MADONNA
It was like shooting a sitting duck:
A little small talk, a smile and, baby, I was stuck.
I still don't know what you've done with me;
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily.

MIX TO:
INT - ROXY - NIGHT

MADONNA poledancing. Her outfit is now made out of a glittery blue slinky fabric, with sequins for the white bits.

MADONNA
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride;
I beg you dear...

She slides down the pole with the slide in the music, and passes down to a lower level.
Here are GABRIEL and BHUVANA in racy mini-dresses. GABRIEL's white outfit also has pink fairy-wings. His neon halo flashes pink with the music. BHUVANA's costume is red.

BHUVANA & GABRIEL
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

STEW joins the trio. Camera focusses on BHUVANA:

Don't go sharing your devotion;
Lay all your love on me.

Two phrases lead us to another part of the building, where MARY is sat, tapping her legs with the beat. Her costume is green and trashy. The lighting is largely red. She is seated on a small chair. We track around to the front of her.
She sings to camera, with accompanying disco hand movements.

MARY
I've had a few little love affairs;
They didn't last very long and they've been...

The hand-jive reaches a turn to the left. We cut as she swivels on her stool.
Cut to MARY wheeling left, on her feet now, with no chair.

MARY
 ...pretty scarce.

She does so more actions, facing us. Another change of direction after four bars.
Cut to the new angle. Behind her now are SIMON, JIMMY, ANDREW, PHILIPPA, NATALIE, TOM, MATTHEW and PEGG. The men are bronzed and oiled in variously coloured croptop string vests and tight trousers. The women are in off-the-shoulder batwing croptops and miniskirts. The men do the hand-jive routine behind MARY, with some more elaborate dancing from the two women.

MARY
I used to think that was sensible;
It makes the truth even more incompre...

Turn again. The group is expanded to contain JIM_RG, LEON, IVY, ELSIE, JOHN, GABRIEL, BHUVANA and MADONNA.

MARY
...hensible.

After another half-length routine, another turn.

This time mix or cut (whichever is most effective) to a CU shot of MARY. We get to see the immaculate work of the makeup woman who has used half the world's reserves of gold in eye-shadow alone. The lip-gloss is so shiny it glares. The shot is broad enough for lots of arm movements. But there are no dancers, and the set is more confined.

MARY
Cos everything is new,
And everything is you,

Broader shot, with JOHN and MADONNA flanking her. Big arm-based dance moves will culminate in suitably sweeping final gesture.

MARY
And all I've learned has overturned;

MARY, JOHN, MADONNA
What can I do?

Wibbly Bohemian Rhapsody effect and MIX TO:
The massed ranks of this scene's cast (minus SIMON) perform a choreographed routine. STEW, BHUVANA, JOHN and MARY take centre-stage.

ALL
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

They all turn 90°. We CUT with them.

Don't go sharing your devotion;
Lay all your love on me.

Another 90° turn. We cut with them. We are now shooting from 180° to our initial shot, past SIMON on the keyboard. Because of their turns, the chorus are still facing us, but we concentrate more on SIMON. The ensemble repeat the chorus. We do not move with them on their next turn but instead begin to crane away. We mix and crane out of:

EXT - ROXY - DAWN

As a belated establish shot.
 

FADE TO BLACK.
TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
A red rectangle flips into view along its horizontal axis. It is slightly smaller than the frame so as to give it a black border. As it appears, a tinny tone plays an A. Then the rectangle flaps back out of existence.
A blue rectangle does the same thing, this time playing the D above the A that was played with the red rectangle.
A yellow rectangle plays the G above the D of the last rectangle.
And a green rectangle plays an A that is an octave above the original A of the red rectangle.
The...
...pattern...
...is...
...repeated.
Again...
...but...
...double...
...speed.
Repeat the quick one another three times. Then, with the appropriate notes, just switching on with no flip:
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
.
TOP frames combine to give:

INT - CHURCH HALL - NIGHT

JOHN, in Pete Townsend mode, windmills at an electric guitar, left front. He makes a bent and sonorous whine.

In the back right, the other disciples are visible:

SIMON is very distant, plugging away at an unseen synth.
JIMMY is the topless drummer.
ANDREW is a rhythm guitarist.
PHILIPPA and NATALIE are glamourous backing vocalists.
TOM has a saxophone.
MATTHEW brandishes a violin.
PEGG is playing the role of a moody bassist.
MARY has a tambourine ready by the side of her Stevie Nicks floaty dress.

An audience is present.

. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
.
CUT TO:
A new angle of the same, which combines the LEFT frames.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
. .
.
The band revs up. . .
.
The band plays.
Assorted shots across the frames.
Ad lib.
CUT TO:
A shot of SIMON plugging away at a pair of black-cased Simple Simon electronic games. His crude chords continue through the song.
CUT TO:
STEW looking all suave and Bryan Ferry.

STEW
Make me a deal
And make it straight:
All signed and sealed;
I'll take it.
To Robert E. Lee
I'll show it;
I only hope he don't blow it
Cos...

JOHN hits the wrong chord. 
The piece falls apart.
General criticism ad libbed at JOHN.
 ...we've been around
A long time...
Through the aisle of the audience, back to us, LEON paces towards the stage with a stately momentum. In his right hand is the violin case from the start of the episode.  STEW looks about him, wondering what happened to the backing. Feedback whistles. 
JOHN is forced off stage by the rest of the collective. While general disappointment continues within the other frames, LEON mounts the steps to the stage.
The two BOTTOM frames combine for a shot of LEON unfastening his violin case. We don not see what is within it, but the contents glow a brilliant white which saturates and fades to white the shot.
The top frames wipe / mix to white. The top frames wipe / mix to white.
MIX TO:
EXT - MAGNA - DAY

We are outside the black-walled Templeborough Steelworks turned Magna centre.

As we pull out further we reveal a stainless steel bison stationed in a square before the main entrance.

Our view is obscured by a bus pulling up. As we pull out further we see it is the same bus that ran over BESSY earlier on.

After a few moments the bus pulls away again, and we are left with our view of the square and the statue of the bison.

Suddenly, the public begin to flee the scene. As in bounds BESSY, a little bloodied for her adventure so far. She charges about and then spies the bison.

She rounds it a couple of times and then comes up behind and mounts it like she were a bull.

She moos.
More worryingly, the bison snorts.

WIPE TO:


 EXT - CONISBROUGH VIADUCT - DAWN

A shot of the viaduct past the castle and a medievalised town, by way of establish.
 

MIX TO:
The viaduct itself. ATOO whirrs over the rickety structure only to bump into two pairs of legs. Reveal these to be UTU and INANNA.

OMRA approaches from behind ATOO.

OMRA
Ahoy!

UTU
We understand you are a herder of livestock.

OMRA
This is correct.

INANNA
I have lost my cow.

UTU
She has lost her cow.

ALEX approaches.

ALEX
Hello.

INANNA
(enamoured)
Hello!

OMRA
We will find your cow.

INANNA
I'm very grateful.

She offers her hand to be kissed by ALEX. ALEX looks at her hand and nods.

ALEX
Very nice.

OMRA
My lady, we shall return forthwith,
with news of your cow.

He courtesies and retreats backwards along the bridge.

INANNA looks at UTU. ALEX turns and follows the prostrating retreat of OMRA.

ATOO begins to exercise a three point turn.

WIPE TO:
EXT - MULTISTOREY CARPARK OFF THE MOOR - DAWN

PICHOLL with binoculars, looking across towards Furnival Square.

He lowers his binoculars, only to be swooped at by a great stainless-steel bird. He fends it off, and it flaps away.

The bird comes back for another go, and PICHOLL legs it back to the stairs.

INT - MULTISTOREY STAIRWELL - CONT.

PICHOLL slams the door behind him.

MIX TO:
EXT - SNIG HILL, SHEFFIELD - DAWN

Establish the "Babysham" view of the Corporation Buildings, the Police Station and the brick steelworker.

We zoom in on the Corporation Buildings, home to Babysham's office.

A light switches on in said office, beyond the round window.

We zoom in towards the window.

A MASKED LUMBERJACK in yellow bib and helmet is walking towards us. He pulls a blind down over our window.

CUT TO:
EXT - MATILDA WAY, SHEFFIELD - DAWN

Shot past a garage door covered in runic graffiti (right), towards the exit to the multistorey (left).

A Citroën 2CV exits the car-park, and heads towards us. It contains PICHOLL.

We ride with PICHOLL, paying little heed to local traffic systems.

EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - DAWN

As the car pulls out onto the gently chaotic Arundel, it's attacked by the metal bird, which swoops about like a pterodactyl.

CUT TO:
INT - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - DAWN

We view from within the window, as the thick-set figure, with noticeably ginger hair, works on the window at the far side. A crossbow is leant against the wall.

The window opens. The LUMBERJACK clambers out with crossbow.

CUT TO:
EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - DAWN

The car veers about, trying to shake off the bird. It heads off in the direction of Castle Square, where the double helix from "Babysham" is clearly visible.

Intercut with interior shots of PICHOLL looking through his windows and in his mirrors as he zig-zags along the road.

PICHOLL puts his foot down and the car goes at pace past the Crucible.

CUT TO:
EXT - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - DAWN

We're looking across the grassy ruined floor of the bombed out section of the building. The LUMBERJACK, who we can probably recognise as JOHN now if we've anything about us, steadily and stealthily approaches the corner nearest the adjacent police station.

Wider angle of the scene, ideally with a sign saying "police" in shot, or at least some parked panda cars or something. Above the police station is a sizable radio mast.

CUT TO:
EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - DAWN

PICHOLL takes the Castle Square corner at speed, and zooms up High Street, out of shot.

The metal bird's momentum guides the creature straight on into the double helix sculpture.

There is a blue flash of energy that is sent spiralling around the helix and up into the sky, while the bird itself is vapourised by the impact.

The energy broadcasts into the sky like some Teslatastic lightning storm.

CUT TO:
EXT - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - DAWN

JOHN pulls a small, sharpened, bloodstained wooden bolt from his tabard, and lines it up in the crossbow. Blue lighting effects.

Wider shot as the radio mast is struck by a burst of lateral blue lightening with an appropriate shower of sparks. Any lighting in the building goes off.

JOHN continues with no regard to the fireworks.

POV down the crossbow, to a window through which can be seen the seated figure of the un-blindfolded BABYSHAM.

The bolt is fired.
The window smashes.
 

RAPID CUT TO:
INT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAWN

The window smashing behind the slumping form of BABYSHAM.

ALAN leaps up followed by MOODY.

Silver blood is seeping onto the desk from BABYSHAM's neck.

MARTY bursts in, but the scene is increasingly bleached... light is beginning to spill out from every possible aperture of BABYSHAM's body. Some form of transfiguration is occurring.

ALAN, MOODY and MARTY recoil from light and from smell. We can see through the radiant light that BABYSHAM's flesh and clothes are smouldering.

Suddenly, BABYSHAM's body springs backwards, arms flailing out, and lands in an upright cruciform position. At the same moment he bursts into flames.

The others recoil and edge out of the room.

INT - POLICE CORRIDOR - DAWN

MARTY pulls himself up the now closed door of an interview room, to look through an observation hole. ALAN is quivering beyond, with MOODY looking profoundly concerned.

INT - INTERVIEW ROOM - DAWN

Spyhole fish-eye POV of the cruciform BABYSHAM, covered in clean pink flame. An eerie squeal is muffled by the door.

Slowly the flame burns out to reveal a sleek clean stainless steel robot: BABYSHAM's inner gubbins. To avoid confusion, we shall call him ROBOSHAM. He looks like a smoother version of the Vulcan on the side of the Co-op, only somewhat smaller.

We CUT back before the process is complete.

INT - POLICE CORRIDOR

MARTY
Somebody find that sniper!

HELEN
(Rachel Friend)
The power's dead.
We've got no radio.

The screen splits down the middle into two shots of the corridor:
 
 

MARTY looks up in the direction of an out-of-shot SPILLAINE.
 
 

MARTY turns to ALAN.

MARTY
You know what happened there?

ALAN
I don't even begin to understand.

ALAN (A) looks up to see ALAN B (out of shot). 

ALAN A crumples with a degree of shock, understanding and despair.

SPILLAINE pokes his head round from an interview room around the corner. He addresses an out of shot MARTY.

SPILLAINE
What's going on, boss?











There's a scrabbling from SPILLAINE's end. A second ALAN (ALAN B) pushes his way into the corridor.

ALAN B
Oh no. Not again.

CUT AWAY TO:
MARTY
Oh yeah, and why the fuck
are there two of you?
A third angle, looking from behind MARTY, along the corridor towards SPILLAINE.

SPILLAINE struggles to hold ALAN B back.

MARTY doubletakes in a moment of realisation, leaps into action and runs to check SPILLAINE's room. MARTY doubletakes in a moment of realisation, leaps into action and runs to check SPILLAINE's room.
INT - OTHER INTERVIEW ROOM

BABYSHAM, en blindfold, sat at the table. 

ALAN B escapes SPILLAINE's half hearted efforts and leans against the wall opposite the door to the interview room. He taps his shoes against the skirting board and watches MARTY.
MARTY launches around the door jamb. MARTY launches around the door jamb.
INT - OTHER INTERVIEW ROOM

BABYSHAM
Hello?
Is everyone still there?
What's going on?

INT - CORRIDOR

SPILLAINE
Er... boss...

MARTY pulls his head back into the corridor.

At the same moment, ALAN A stands in front of ALAN B and then carefully but confidently leans back onto the wall. The two ALANs merge into each other.

The remaining ALAN shivers as if someone has walked over his grave.

MARTY just stands there, twisted around the doorway.

MIX TO:
EXT - MAGNA - DAY

A corner of the square. BESSY is as curled up as it is possible for a cow to be, sleeping in a triangle of shade.

We notice a small wire coming out from between her legs.

The camera follows the wire away from BESSY.

The wire is very long.

We see people's legs walking over it.

Some distance away, we find the end of the wire: a big wooden box with a plunger sticking out of the top.

Over it are stood ALEX and OMRA.

They're looking pretty smug with themselves.

ALEX slowly mouths out: 1, 2, 3.

ALEX and OMRA push the plunger together. The camera races along the cable.

The unsuspecting BESSY explodes, but she awakes for a split second before, and looks at us askance. She also lets out a plaintive moooOOO!

Beef rains down.

MIX TO:
EXT - SHEFFIELD RD, TEMPLEBOROUGH - MORNING

Beef stew is raining across the busy road as cars swerve about.

To make matters worse, a stainless steel bison is charging up and down the road, butting cars, and toppling some.

General chaos.

Eventually the bison charges us, and we MIX TO:

EXT - CENTRAL HALL IN CROISSANT - OVERCAST DAY

Establish the seat of power. Surrounding it, ruined buildings and sheep.

After a beat or two a couple of the sheep ignite into flames and then explode.

INT - THRONE ROOM - DAY

CHE_F is sat in a comfy chair by the door; his gun over his shoulder. He's cleaning his nails.

The door zjungs open and in scrapes the meek SIMON.

SIMON
The delegation from the Pantheon Tosh.

He scrapes to the side to allow the delegation to enter:

Two HORSE GUARDS in jackboots and tailed helmets, followed by MEADOWS (Simon Rouse) - a senior police officer in full dress uniform with braid and epaulettes. At the rear, two standard senior police officers (MONROE (Colin Tarrant) and CONWAY (Ben Roberts)) without the same dress affectations, and then a further HORSE GUARD.

They approach a large desk at which is sat GABRIEL flanked by two of the angels from the earlier scene: MICHAEL (Mike Read) and RAPHAEL (Bruno Brookes). All three wear golden dresses and much improved halos: translucent discs of shimmering gold-tinged light. These are full dress halos and are very Carravagian. Furthermore, the trio's wings are looking a lot less pathetic before. They're not the great wings of legend, but they are pretty impressive swan wings all the same.

Behind the desk, the benched thrones have been moved to more prominent positions flanking the desk. Seven ANGELS sit on the left bench, and seven on the right.

MEADOWS and his two subordinate officers are invited to sit in lesser chairs facing the three principal angels. They sit.

SIMON brings out a formal looking new scroll of paper dripping with seals and caveats.

He places it on the desk, wheeling it around to face MEADOWS.

MEADOWS looks at the paper resignedly.

GABRIEL plucks a feather from RAPHAEL's near wing, and offers it to MEADOWS.

MEADOWS refuses it, as he is passed a pheasant quill by MONROE.

He pauses over the contract for a beat or two, but it is apparent that this is in the interests of form rather than thoroughness.

CONWAY flicks open a ceremonial pocket-knife.

He makes a small incision in his wrist. Blue blood oozes from the wound.

He offers his wrist to MEADOWS who dips his pen in.

MEADOWS takes one more resigned look at the paper, and then signs it with a flourish.

MIX TO:


 EXT - CONISBROUGH VIADUCT - NIGHT

Distant establish. The moon is full.

ALEX
I'm afraid your cow is dead.

Closer angle. INANNA breaks down. OMRA holds and comforts her.

ALEX
Come and I will lead you
to her casket.

OMRA helps INANNA along the bridge.

FADE
INT - POLICE STATION - DAY

An increasingly flustered MARTY is stood at the door to the interview room containing ROBOSHAM. He has another peer through the doorway.

POV:

ROBOSHAM just stood there by the window, glinting in the sunlight. His arms are still outstretched.
 

Back in the corridor, MOODY, JADE, BABYSHAM (still blindfolded), ALAN and SPILLAINE, leant against the wall, look up at MARTY. MARTY shakes his troubled head.

Mid-way through shaking, six metal poles extend from his head, showering blood and flesh.

MARTY's head crumbles away to reveal a silver hand at its core, stretching from a hole punched in the metal door.

The poles retract and MARTY slumps to the ground.

Shocked faces. Except BABYSHAM who's grinning away like an idiot.

ROBOSHAM walks through the door like a ghost.

He looks at each of the five in turn.

He turns his head left. His head moves left and his body turns and follows as he glides down the corridor, two inches above the ground.

MOODY, JADE, ALAN and SPILLAINE look very scared. BABYSHAM still none the wiser.

BABYSHAM
Can I smell pizza?
Has somebody brought pizza?

MOODY
Boss, are you alright?

SPILLAINE
What the fuck was that?

JADE
Of course he's not alright,
he's just had his head exploded.

BABYSHAM
Who's had his head exploded?

ALAN
Marty.

BABYSHAM
Who by?

ALAN
You.

BABYSHAM
The metal me?

ALAN
Yeah.

BABYSHAM
Oh. How weird.
Why'd I do that?

SPILLAINE
Cos you're a fucking psycho.

BABYSHAM
Right.
Am I still here?

JADE
It went down the corridor.

BABYSHAM
Oh good.

BABYSHAM pushes off the wall and heads down the corridor after his twin.

BABYSHAM
I wonder if I can be stopped.

BABYSHAM paces sweepingly along the corridor and into the distance, in a speed walk.

The other four head off after him in a jog.

MIX TO:
ROBOSHAM stands there facing STEW.

STEW approaches.

ROBOSHAM prostates itself before STEW, albeit still hovering 2" off the floor.

STEW puts out his hand and touches ROBOSHAM's head.

STEW closes his eyes. He screws up his face; angered and tearful.

A sound like a burst of energy.

STEW's screwed up face falls forward out of shot while patterns of red light dance off everything.

New angle to reveal BABYSHAM stood at the end of the corridor, clutching his bandage in his right hand. His left arm is held out with a metal spike extending from the wrist. His eye is spilling laser light all over the place.

BABYSHAM
Caesar, now be still...

MOODY, JADE, ALAN and SPILLAINE catch up with BABYSHAM and are bemused by the scene.

STEW lies dead, with a metal rod through his chest. ROBOSHAM clutches him in his arms like Michelangelo's Pietà. The rod is hissing, and as it does so, it melts and drips into a pool of mercury. ROBOSHAM holds his head against STEW and wails.

BABYSHAM grins a slightly evil grin. He relaxes his arm, and the spike retracts into it.

ALAN
(with a newfound confidence)
He's not going to resurrect again, is he?

Over this is the ominous "da da da der" of the Late Night Poker buffer stab. 


MIX TO:
INT - GILNOCKIE OBSERVATORY - SET

Moderately cosy, tall square room, with a large, frosted, glass dome roof, and a large stained-glass window (light-boxed). Despite the windows, the lighting should be skilfully subdued; the overhead dome provides moody table light, for there at the centre of the room is a decagonal, wood-framed, green-baized table, with a peripheral glass counter. One apex of the decagon is levelled off, so creating eight conventional sides and a ninth longer side. There are nine comfortable seats around the table, and each counter has a frosted frame to hold two playing-cards, except the wider ninth side which is fully baized.

The room is just big enough to allow us some occasional crane-based trackery. The walls are of dark wood, and are livened up by dark red velvet curtains. The floor is black and white zig-zags, a la Lynch.

We crane a bit as:

JESSE (...MAY)
(voice-over throughout; ad lib)
Hi, and welcome to the Gilnockie Tower for another evening of Late Night Baccara.
I'm Jesse May, and with me in the commentary position tonight is one of the
greatest names in modern cards: three times World Snap Champion,
holder of the Ratners Bracelet, and member of the erstwhile Heslington Mob,
it's Leon Protznedvic.

LEON
(ditto)
Hi, Jesse. Looking forward to some great play this evening.

JESSE
Indeed. Eight players, all waiting to make it through the gates of Hell.
So without further ado, let's meet them.

Adjoining this set is a long gallery based on that a Cragside. But there's no art, just architecture. This corridor is behind the long side of the table. We will be shooting from this side for the most part. In most cases, unless otherwise made clear, this corridor will be obscured by red velvet curtains. But now, the curtains pull open of their own accord, to reveal, at the far end of the white-lit hallway:

JIM_SD, wearing full snooker outfit. He walks steadily towards our room.

LEON
In seat eight tonight is this evening's host,
Doctor James Barrett from Gallifrey in North London.
A keen ammateur cardist, Barrett has already
won a number of minor local tournaments.

BOND, wearing his tuxedo.

JESSE
Commander James Bond is a diplomat
and sexual gymnast. He's played mainly in
l' Casino Ceil de Croissant, where he has
broken the bank on several occasions.
The uncle of Doctor Barrett,
he's tonight's seat seven.

JIM_SP is dressed as a championship-winning Alex Higgins.

LEON
Seat six is taken by a legend of the
cribbage board, Doctor James Barrett
of North London. Well versed in all things
fiche, he's sure to trouble the table tonight.

LUCY appears, wearing a red satin dress with a rucked neckline and low back. She has a well-fitted Veronica Lake wig, and a black shawl. Also a decent amount of jewellery.

JESSE
Taking seat five this evening is the gorgeous
Mistress of the Abaddonal domain,
Lucifer Sarah Michelle Gellar. By her
own confession she's far from an accomplished
player of the four suit pack, but her talents
with the Tarot deck are well documented.

INANNA now, wearing her established black outfit and accessories.

LEON
A late entrant, here in seat three:
The Goddess Inanna, corona of Utu,
tender to the trinity, and
milkmaid of the heavens.
She seeks a path to Hell to attend
the funeral of the sacred cowgod: Bessy.

JIM_AH wearing a tweedy suit and geography-teacher's tie, plus lightly tinted glasses.

JESSE
Another noted player of the game,
North London's Doctor James Barrett.
Barrett's true speciality is Bridge,
where he's taken many a hand from
a young lady. He's in seat four.

ALEX in a casual black suit, with long thin black tie, and usual mirrored glasses.

LEON
Here's a familiar face:
Alex "Flame of Life and Defender of Man" Jefferson.
Like Lucifer, Alex's usual discipline is the Tarot,
and he'll be hoping to draw on his experience there
from his position in seat two.

JIM_DT is still dressed like a tramp.

JESSE
Finally, in seat one,
it's Doctor James Barrett of North London.
A notorious gambler, Barrett has been barred from
most of the casinos south of Prestwick.

Shot of the eight players in their seats.

Each player has a print-newspaper full of chips.

JIM_DT has a conker as a card-guard, and drinks from a brown paper bag. His paper is the Daily Sport.
ALEX is drinking rum. His paper is the Sun.
JIM_AH is drinking whisky. His paper is the Times.
INANNA has a black and white layered cocktail. Her paper is the Daily Mirror.
LUCY is smoking a cigarette with a long holder. She is drinking blood from a spirit vial. Her paper is the Sheffield Star.
JIM_SP is smoking, with a shorter holder. He is drinking brandy. His paper is the Manchester Guardian.
BOND is smoking silk cut, and drinking from a bottle of Johnny Walker. His paper is the Telegraph.
JIM_SD is drinking cider. His paper is the Independent.
 
 

JESSE
Our tournament director is Thomas Kremser,
and dealing the cards tonight, as ever, it's the lovely Marina.

Shot of THOMAS and MARINA (Kremser); her sat, him stood, by the dealing position on the long side of the table. Aqua-Marina plays over for a measure.

THOMAS
Are we set?

Murmurs of agreement.

JIM_DT
Then let's play Baccara!

MARINA cuts a pack of cards to reveal a credit-card CD, which she then feeds into a small slot at the very centre of the table. The glint of the CD should make the artefact understandable to even those who've never seen such a novel shape of CD before. On the CD, in black marker, is written "Baccara". Once inserted, we hear the click and whirr of an engaging CD player. Then: Music.

Subdued disco-funk blungs from some Rhodesian machinery. Then a flurry of strings introduces some breathy umming vocals. Everyone at the table is liking what they hear.

CD
Oh-oh... oh-oh-oh...
Woh-oh-oh, oh... oh.

The beat kicks in. The stained-glass light box window proves to be disco-ready, and the dome is in fact capable of simulating a giant glitterball.

CD
Oh... oh-woh-oh...
Oh-oh-oh, oh... oh.

And then the curtains to the corridor whip open to reveal, at the near end of a disco-ed up catwalk, the lovely Spanish female duo: BACCARA. One wears a black outfit. The other wears white. One or the other of them, and occasionally both, sing.

BACCARA
Mister, your eyes are full of hesitation;
Sure makes me wonder if you know what you're looking for.

They enter the room and make their way around the players, like pros. Meanwhile, the players move cards about the place.
ALEX always seems to have spades in his hand.

After every move, the player in question removes an accessory or item of clothing.

BACCARA
Baby, I want to keep my reputation;
I'm a sensation: you try me once, you'll beg for more.

Ohh...
Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...

JIM_SP
(spoken)
Take your clothes off or you won't feel the benefit.

BACCARA
No sir, I don't feel very much like talking;
No, neither walking; you wanna know if I can dance?

JIM_SP pulls out a black-glazed monocle, cleans it and puts it on.

Yes sir, already told you in the first verse,
And in the chorus,
But I will give you one more chance...

One of BACCARA takes JIM_SP's monocle away.

Ahh...
Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...

Towards the end of that, on an odd beat in the music, BOND sustains a heart attack. Fortunately, he regenerates during the following:

Mmm. Mmm-mm-mm,
Oh-oh-oh... oh... ooh...

BOND has regenerated into NIGEL (Nigel Bond). He still wears what remains of his snooker-friendly wedding costume.

Meanwhile, LUCY and INANNA, in fierce competition, have developed an obvious dislike for each other.

Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
(I can boogie)
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie,
(I can boogie)
boogie boogie
(boogie boogie)
All night long...

The curtains part again and the duo leave along the corridor, still singing.

Yes sir, I can boogie;
(I can boogie)
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie,
(I can boogie)
boogie boogie
(boogie boogie)
All night long...

The curtains close again.

By now all eight players are completely naked.

The CD ejects into the air and is caught by MARINA.

The Late Night Poker stab sounds again and we...

BLACK OUT.


EXT - THE WICKER - AFTERNOON

View toward the Wicker from the Spittal Hill side. It is still raining.

Beeping horns and swerving traffic. A single-decker bus sweeps across the carriageway at a diagonal.

Then suddenly, over the camera, bounds the shimmering form of the steel bison.

New shot, looking from the city side of the arches. The bison bounding along the road like a dog creature from Ghostbusters. It clatters into cars and causes general chaos in its wake.

BLACK OUT.
INT - POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

JADE is being dragged away from the corpse of STEW by POLICEWOMAN and HOLLIS. GINA and JUNE are dragging STEW away.
They are helped by sundry ex-cast of The Bill.
MOODY and SPILLAINE are agitated.
ALAN is stood, watching. He is being flanked by more ex-Bill cast. Two of them cosh MOODY and SPILLAINE with truncheons.

Meanwhile, further along the building, BABYSHAM and ROBOSHAM are locked in a massive fight. We've got a fight choreographer to do this, and he or she will make sure that this sequence is entertaining and wonderful. Because I know my limitations, and my limitations prevent me from describing thrilling fight sequences.

ROBOSHAM is armed with his six spikes which he can use as a spinning wheel of death, and a shield. He can fire them and replenish them. He can stick-joust with them. He's also frighteningly agile, and constantly floats about the place. He makes Jackie Chan look like Johnny Vegas.

BABYSHAM, still spilling light from his eye, has extended his wrist pole and is using it in similar ways to ROBOSHAM. He also has an array of six spikes projecting, four up and two down, from the back of his coat. He uses these when he loses his wrist spike. But unlike ROBOSHAM, he's limited to the six on his back, and as he gets through them they are NOT replenished. BABYSHAM is also much less agile, but has the benefit of forward planning. He evidently has an agenda, and is baiting ROBOSHAM away from STEW.

BABYSHAM is retreating up the stairs while still doing enough to keep ROBOSHAM interested.

He's also fast running out of weapons.

EXT - WEST BAR, SNIG HILL, CASTLE SQUARE - AFTERNOON

Out on the road, who should turn up but our friendly bison.

The bison is no longer charging indiscriminately. Rather it is drawn to a police van.

The van has its lights and sirens on.

The bison keeps ramming the van, trying to break open the door.

The van makes its way up the hill, past chez Babysham et al, trying to outrun the powerful metal bison.

EXT - POLICE STATION ROOF - AFTERNOON

Somehow, this spiffing fight twixt Sham and Sham bursts out onto the roof, in the shadow of the big radio mast. It's all tremendously exciting, as I'm sure you can imagine. Wind and rain.

EXT - CASTLE SQUARE - AFTERNOON

Eventually, the van reaches the top of the hill, and Castle Square, where the double helix still rises from the Hole in the Road.

EXT - POLICE STATION ROOF

A lull.

BABYSHAM is nearly beaten by his weird alter ego.

He's up against the pylon, with ROBOSHAM bearing down on him.

EXT - CASTLE SQUARE

Just as with Picholl, the van sweeps left, round the roundabout, at full belt, before sweeping around it and on towards Arundel.
The bison doesn't quite make the corner so cleanly. It corrects its path left slightly, but as the van pulls slightly further away, the bison's path arcs back to a straight line and the bison leaps off the edge and into the helix.

And again, the creature is absorbed by the helix in a great, rotating burst of energy.

Lightning bursts out from the helix again in all directions. All around is darkness and scary clouds.

EXT - POLICE STATION ROOF

ROBOSHAM about to deal the death blow.

And then a lightning bolt tears through ROBOSHAM, tears through BABYSHAM and goes shooting up the radio mast again. The energy courses through the two figures and the mast. Then, simultaneously, the energy in the mast dissipates, and the tesla bolt pulls back, dragging ROBOSHAM with it.

BABYSHAM lays frizzling on the scaffold: a mess or charred flesh and leather. But we view past this to see ROBOSHAM being dragged back by the receding energy burst, and pulled, at speed, into the distant helix up on the hill.

EXT - EPIC CENTRE APRON - AFTERNOON

A St John Ambulance is waiting at the top of the car park we visited earlier. It pulls out onto Arundel to be alongside the police van, and then it drives into the van, sending the van veering right.

Electrical chaos. Shop lights exploding all around. Park Hill in the distance has all its lights flaring at their peak.

The van doesn't seem to mind though. It steers into the Novotel carpark.

The ambulance isn't able to make the corner, and its right turn only takes it into the wrong lane of traffic.

Reveal ALEX to be driving.

He weaves about while shouting (unheard) into a CB radio.

The ambulance crashes into the Furnival crater.

In the distance, the One o' Clock time signal flares up. The intensity of the siren builds.

EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN - AFTERNOON

Establish clearly what building we're on.

OLD_JOHN (Gareth Bowley), holding a walkie-talkie, shielding his eyes from the brilliance of the events at Castle Square.
Over his shoulder he wears a wooden box on a strap. He's in a black overcoat and beneath that a lumberjack shirt.

OLD_JOHN
Jesus Christ.
They've done it.
(beat)
They've done it.

The shot bleaches out over his last line.

Hold all white and silent for a good five seconds. Then:

CUT TO BLACK.
EXT - WOOLWORTHS, THE MOOR - AFTERNOON

Hold for a moment.
The building explodes.

Chaotic shots of fireballs and falling masonry.

EXT - HYDE PARK FLATS - AFTERNOON

Hold for a moment.
The building explodes.

Chaotic shots of fireballs and falling masonry.

EXT - BRITISH HOME STORES, THE MOOR - AFTERNOON

Hold for a moment.
The building explodes.

Chaotic shots of fireballs and falling masonry.

EXT - ST SILAS CHURCH HALL, BROOMALL - AFTERNOON

Viewed at an angle, with terraced housing opposite; the church hall from the trailer. The windows glow with blue light, flare and explode, followed by the whole building. It takes out the terrace across the road.

Chaotic shots of fireballs and falling masonry.

The shots merge into one and FADE to black.

EXT - TOWN HALL EXTENSION - AFTEROON

Extreme close-up of an array of twelve eggbox windows.
Hold.
Kaboom!

Wider view, with Peace Gardens.
Hold for as little as we can get away with for an establish.
Kaboom.

EXT - PARK HILL FLATS - AFTERNOON

A full panorama. The lights flare up and explode, then, the whole building goes up from right to left.

EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - AFTERNOON

A view looking up ARUNDEL, with the Epic on the left, the Novotel on the right, and, at the distant centre, the double helix with its torrent of white-hot energy ripping through the sky.
The ground cracks open, and a ripple of road tears along towards us. Buildings on both sides explode and topple. But a core of the Novotel remains. Atop of which is a round structure, not unlike the Wedding Cake, but smaller. Perhaps it contains the water tanks and stuff.

INT - POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

The camera shudders and everyone moves about like the earth is all a wobble. ALAN is central in the shot.

He steps forwards and makes, unconfronted, to the door.

JADE is just crouched on the floor, staring at nothing, blankly. Likewise, MOODY and SPILLAINE are stood looking blank.

EXT - NOVOTEL - AFTERNOON

The remains of the Novotel.

Within the remaining framework of the building, we can make out two figures lugging a corpse up the stairs.

INT - NOVOTEL ROOF - APOCALYPSE

Two uniform police: STAMP (Graham Cole) and QUINNAN (Andrew Paul), lugging the corpse of STEW to a rather elaborate doorway.

QUINNAN hits a release mechanism, and hydraulics and dry ice explode into life. A combined door and staircase lowers towards them.

They lug STEW up into the brilliant white light of the doorway.

EXT - SURREY STREET - AFTERNOON

The metal bollard with the red lights is moving up and down while rubble falls from the Town Hall above it. The familiar sound of a Tardis in action is increasingly audible.

INT - PEACE GARDEN CRYPT - AFTERNOON

Dust and debris is falling onto the Aston Martin. Water is gushing from pipework.

This closer angle of the garage recess reveals JIM_SD's police box along the back wall. The door of which opens.

JIM_SD, LEON, JIM_DT, NIGEL and JIM_AH appear first, with JIM_SP, ALEX, INANNA, ZOE, JOE and LUCY bringing up the rear.

JIM_SD is dressed as a baggy sort of clown, with red wig, red nose and big glasses.
LEON is in his EDS postal uniform (and his glasses).
JIM_DT is dressed in ermine and wears a crown.
NIGEL is in an Elvis jumpsuit.
JIM_AH wears Rocky Horror basque, suspenders et al.
JIM_SP wears an '80s jumper-dress and belt, heeled pixy-boots, black tights and is carrying a big, floppy handbag.
ALEX is in a fancy-dress penguin costume, plus usual mirrored glasses.
INANNA wears an Amazon lepoard-dress and carries a spear. She still has on her star pendant.
ZOE wears that dominatrix outfit Dianna Rigg had in that episode of the Avengers.
JOE wears his usual outfit but with an orangier tartan.
LUCY wears a red all-in-one leotard, with a pointy tail and horns. She carries a trident.

The party are clearly concerned that the grotto is breaking up.

A large chunk of roof falls and impales the Aston. A small amount of light beams in from above.

JIM_SD, pulling off his orange wig and red nose, is the first to step into the main chamber, which is vibrating something chronic. The sounds of a sick Tardis continue. The column is breaking up; timber is falling to the floor leaving holes through which brilliant sickly green light spews.

There at the top, prodding ineffectually at the control panel, trying to shut it down, is PICHOLL.

JIM_SD
Who the fuck are you?

PICHOLL
I can't make it stop!
Make it stop!

JIM_SD climbing up the ladder.

NIGEL
That's Picholl.
He's a local private eye,
Hired to find the pair of you.

He talks of JIM_SD and LEON.

NIGEL
Among others.

ZOE
What is that, anyway?
It looks like a Tardis.

LUCY
That's Hell.

JOE
Hell?

NIGEL
It's all one big Tardis.

JIM_AH
That's how it's able to cater to your desires.

ALEX
Not been doing too well at that lately.

JOE
But if Hell is a Tardis...

LEON
Is that safe to move with the Stargate as it is?

JIM_SP
What do you think?

JIM_SD pushes PICHOLL out of the way and starts prodding at the controls.

PICHOLL
(quietly)
Why are you dressed as a clown?

LEON
Are we all going to die again?

JIM_SD
It's not responding.
And there's a terrible smell of dead pheasant.

An unpleasant creaking noise and the gantry lurches violently.

Angelic NINJAs burst into the room as the roof collapses en masse.

LUCY picks up the receiver of a black bakelite telephone hung on the wall. Shakes her head at its deadness. Drops the receiver which clatters against the tiles.

NINJAs surround the party. ALEX holds out his left arm to cast a shadow against the floor. Looks down at the floor, pensively.

Clouds of acrid smoke rise, and the party begin to cough.

From across the ground floor of the room... out of the smoke, and out of view of the higher NINJAs, appears SIDDOR (Mark Curry).

He wears a gas mask, a lumberjack shirt, and a black overcoat.

Over his shoulder is a wooden box on a strap.

Break away with a cut to a POV shot from ALEX's perspective.

He looks at the NINJAs, and at some of his colleagues. He turns to LUCY who is looking at us for a cue.

LUCY
(to NINJAs)
By the power vested in me as Supreme Mistress of this domain,
I command you to withdraw or be destroyed.

A throwing star whips past her face, bedding in the tiles behind her.

She feels her cheek which is spotting a delicate line of blood.

ALEX turns to see INANNA.

INANNA
I think you'll find your command has lapsed, darling.

INANNA swings her spear to her right.

A circle of flames bursts around her.

Cut back to standard shots: JIM_AH, JIM_SP, JIM_DT, ZOE, JOE, NIGEL and ALEX fighting hand-to-hand with NINJAs. LEON is unseen.

LUCY squeals a piercing scream.

The tiles on the walls all shatter.

Everyone stops fighting, distracted by the sound.

INANNA, in the centre of the shot, looks up.

She makes a roll in space like some synchronised swimmer, and rises towards the console.

The NINJAs start fighting again.

LUCY looking pissed off. She holds out her arms to her sides and presses down on nothing, raising her body up into the air.

CUT TO:
INANNA, flying up, is nearly at the console.
 
CUT TO:
LUCY kicking off the wall. She hurls her trident at INANNA.

More fighting with NINJAs. NINJAs have the upper hand.

This sequence is immaculately choreographed.

INANNA is spiralling down to the ground, past LUCY, who is hovering.

The handle of the trident lodges into one of the slats of the column, wobbling INANNA's corpse in mid-air, and shaking out her red blood to the floor.

Where the NINJAs are still fighting with JIM_AH, JIM_SP, JIM_DT, ALEX, ZOE, NIGEL and JOE.

INANNA's prone form hangs over their heads.

The TARDIS is suddenly sounding much fitter.

The bolts holding the gantry are giving way. As are SIDDOR and JIM_SD's fingers.

SIDDOR and JIM_SD dangling from the broken gantry.

Beneath them, around the top of the column, materialises a giant doughnut.

SIDDOR and JIM_SD rest their feet.

The gantry breaks away.

PICHOLL swings down from the desk, and joins JIM_SD and SIDDOR on the doughnut.

The gantry falls to the ground, taking out a couple of unlucky NINJAs.

A portion of the doughnut zips open, and out appears GALENA.

She ducks back in and is replaced by JASON.

JASON is wielding a laser-sighted rifle.

He picks off the remaining NINJAs, to the relief of the bruised and knackered party below.

LEON emerges from one of the cupboards, and dusts himself off.

And then, with the zjunging of the Tardis at a crescendo, the lattice woodwork of the core bursts apart, sending wood flying across the room.

LEON leaps out of the way as we bleach out.

EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - APOCALYPSE

The tower of the Novotel as seen from the horizon of Furnival Square.

Smoke billows out from below the round feature on the top of the hotel.

Closer angle of the top of the Novotel breaking away from its mooring, like that film of the Saturn rocket jettisoning its ice.

The white-panelled ship unscrews from the Novotel roof.

The Novotel saucer frees itself and spirals up into the cloudy sky.

Our broader angle.

This angle is interrupted by the wall of the Wedding Cake which rises up in front of camera.

Reverse angle as the Wedding Cake rises perfectly from Furnival Square in a majestic spiral.

As it emerges fully, it gives a little wobble.

EXT - WEDDING CAKE - APOCALYPSE

Shot from behind, Wedding Cake in foreground, Novotel Saucer distant.

INT - WEDDING CAKE CONTROL ROOM

A battered looking ALEX sits in the control chair clutching a computer keyboard and looking up at a monitor showing the view ahead.

He controls the ship's movements with the keyboard.

He's tailing the Novotel.

This view is intercut with exterior action shots, to provide some sense of drama.

A quad-cannon pops out from the bottom of the Wedding Cake.

ALEX fires some sort of laser pulse weapon at the Novotel.

Winged, the Novotel scuds down into the city again, hoping to find protection from the damaged buildings.

Blockbusters shots of the two saucers whizzing along the ruined streets.

As the ships travel, the buildings around them begin to fade slightly in and out of reality.

The city dematerialises in this frame, leaving the two spacecraft flying through black limbo.

Stargate-style stars streak past on ALEX's monitor.

2001 lightshow for ALEX.

POV instigated.

The stars are crossing in an elongated latticework.

FX

The starlines form a wireframe which gradually becomes:

EXT - TATTERSHALL CASTLE - DAY

Establish.

Queen ELIZABETH (Dennis Waterman) in lead makeup, extravagant ginger wig, and over-pearled gown, walking through the grounds, escorted by ALEX, in period costume: black and gold.

A puddle. ALEX removes his cape and places it on the ground.

ELIZABETH steps onto the cloak, with ALEX scraping before her.

ELIZABETH pulls up her skirts and buries ALEX beneath them.

Contorted ecstasy cracks ELIZABETH's makeup.

WHITE OUT & MIX TO:
EXT - PEACE GARDENS - APOCALYPSE

The remains of the Peace Gardens, with a big hole in the middle.

The Novotel comes sweeping along Pinstone Street and makes an impromptu crash-landing in the hollow.

The Wedding Cake flies over and fires a last volley at the Novotel saucer.

The Novotel saucer explodes.
 

MIX TO:
EXT - SIWARD'S HILL, YORK - NIGHT

A light moaning can be heard as we establish this hill, with a military-looking water tower on top.

We move about and see that drilled onto the wall with steel bolts are three naked figures: HANNAH, STEW and STEPH.

All three figures seem to be dead, but the light moaning suggests that at least one of them is still hanging on.

The three crucified are flanked by MOODY and SPILLAINE.

SPILLAINE checks his watch.

Two cowled figures approach MOODY and SPILLAINE.

They have a whispered conversation, and money is exchanged between the right hand figure and SPILLAINE.

The right hand figure turns around and pulls down his cowl, looking down from the hill. It is LEON.

The other figure pulls out a large cordless drill from his cloak. It has an adaption for unbolting large bolts.

He gives it a burst.

He locks the tool onto the bolt through STEW's right wrist and drills.

The bolt unscrews and pops out of the wall, talking STEW's arm with it.

The figure pulls back his hood and wipes sweat from his brow. It is ALEX.

ALEX unbolts STEW's other arm, with LEON supporting STEW's floppy torso.

Then ALEX unbolts STEW's feet.

ALEX and LEON lug STEW down from the wall.

They roll him down the hill and he dematerialises.

They follow the hill down to a puddle and step in, dematerialising themselves.

MOODY and SPILLAINE are looking in the purse of money they've got. SPILLAINE tips it out and counts.

SPILLAINE
Wow. Thirty denarii.

MOODY
Truly this was the son of God.

MIX TO:

 
 
 

INT - PEACE GARDENS CRYPT

INANNA's corpse still hangs splayed out backwards like the man in the harp in the third panel of Garden of Earthly Delights. Only she's on a pitchfork.

The fork is lodged in the remains of the helical wooden lattice. But the lattice column's contents are not there, and nor is the control console. The column is an empty broken shell.

Raining in is the debris of the Novotel saucer, and with it falls blood and gore and bits that are recognisably parts of STEW's body. Several bits of STEW-gore fall into INANNA's gaping mouth.

Spasmodic peristalsis in INANNA's neck. INANNA glows a golden glow.

INANNA begins to wretch in the rain of falling flame, debris and godflesh.
It's also raining.

Enter from the right, ALEX and LEON, dragging a prone but cleaned off STEW. STEW's paws and head are bandaged and he wears the white dress of a God.

STEW looks up.

LEON
Just in time for communion.

STEW
I feel numb.

ALEX
Still?

STEW
Is she going to be the new Lucy then?

ALEX
She and Omra will rotate stewardship
of the new Utopia.

STEW
Oh. You've got it all worked out, haven't you.

LEON
Well it's more a work in progress.

INANNA convulses, clutching her stomach. She lets out a terrifying squeal.

LEON
Should we get her down, do you think?

ALEX
Did we better feed her a bit more Stew first?

He picks up an arm.

LEON
I think that's one of the Toshists.

ALEX picks up another bit of arm.

LEON
Looks more like it.

The rest of this scene is shot from two angles: a disembodied eye belonging to the dead STEW, which is on the floor at a distance and LEON's POV. We intercut as needed.

LEON looks at ALEX who is harvesting bits of the Novotel STEW from the floor. He looks at the other STEW propped up, rigidly, against the wall.

LEON jumps up and tugs INANNA's dress, trying to yank her down.

The pitchfork yaws in its mooring, and INANNA comes crashing down. LEON leaps away out of the way.

LEON looks over at ALEX (oos).

ALEX looks back.

LEON checks that INANNA is not too badly hurt by her impact with earth.

LEON
She's down.

LEON drags INANNA over and removes the trident.

He looks over at ALEX.

LEON
We ready?

He watches ALEX.

ALEX obscures our shot.

He bends down to pick some more STEW up.

He sees us.

He comes over.

He picks our STEW-eye camera up.

ALEX
A-huh.

LEON looks at the red blood on his own hand and wipes it down his trousers.

He picks up a nearby bit of STEW-flesh and drops it INANNA's mouth.

LEON
There you go.
Yum yum.

INANNA involuntarily eats the flesh.

LEON
Good girl.
Feeling better already.

ALEX approaches with his arms full of smouldering bits of STEW.

ALEX
Where's Jim, anyway?

LEON
Maybe he got zapped.

ALEX
Could he not just regenerate?

LEON
We'd not know him if he did.

They start feeding the bits of STEW to INANNA.

LEON
We'll just have to wait and see.

ALEX
Mm.

ALEX wields a big chop at INANNA's mouth. She chomps the flesh from it.

LEON
This better work.

ALEX
If it doesn't, we just go back again.

LEON
Not once the Stargate's sealed.

ALEX
No. I suppose not.

LEON
What I don't get is why we just don't
go back and stop any of this.

ALEX
How much do you wipe out then?

LEON
Mm.

He looks across at STEW, propped against the wall. STEW is flexing his fingers.

STEW sends a pained grin back at LEON.

ALEX pops the eye into INANNA's mouth.

STEW
Now what happens?

INANNA leans up, supporting herself.

ALEX
Hello there.

INANNA
Where's Bessy?


FADE & CUT TO:
EXT - CROISSANT - OVERCAST

POV from ALEX.

He looks along the side of the WEDDING CAKE which has crashlanded into the moorland. Beyond are the ruins and dead sheep of the city.

Pan scan of the scene, right.
 

ATOO enters from the right.

The silver Tardis then materialises with a zjungy zjungy noise, to the left of shot, in ATOO's line of approach.

ATOO drives into the side of the Tardis, whirrs and chirps as the robot rebounds.

The Tardis door opens and out step JIM_DT and ZOE. They are still in fancy dress. But they're carrying futuristic laser weaponry; two guns apiece.

JIM_DT throws a gun to ALEX who catches. ZOE throws a gun to OMRA who we see through pan right. OMRA clicks his gun.

JIM_DT
We ready?

Camera nods.

OMRA picks up ATOO and we enter the Tardis.

INT - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

JIM_DT bashes a few things. ALEX looks about the place. ZOE is clearly upset / angry. OMRA is looking a little out of his league. He pops ATOO down in a corner.

The Tardis starts zjunging and rocking about, and ATOO falls over and rolls about the room.

The Tardis comes to a gradual halt after the usual array of ad-libbed chaos and confusion.

The crew begin to exit.

INT - THRONE ROOM, HEAVEN - DAY

ALEX's POV as he steps out of the Tardis:

The large round window. Arranged uniformly around the window, nailed to its frame, are the arms, legs and wings of GABRIEL. GABRIEL's head and torso hang from a steel rope, in half-sillhoette in front of the window. Gold blood drips from the severed joints.

CHE_F steps forwards, brandishing a kalashnikov. He's covered in gold paint from head to foot. Feathers are lodged in the paint at random intervals.

He falls on one knee before us.

ALEX puts out a hand to CHE_F's head.

CHE_F steps backwards and we enter the room properly.

We look about. Bits of angel and a sea of angelblood. The second bloody coup in this room in as many days.

ALEX pulls off his cowled habit.

He drapes the habit over the throne and turns to OMRA.

OMRA sits in the throne.

JIM_DT hands his crown to ALEX, who places it on OMRA's head.

WHITE OUT & MIX TO:
EXT - GENERAL CEMETERY, SUNSET

Torches light the sides of Cemetery Avenue, as a parade of people in black march slowly forwards towards the arched gatehouse. The parade is made up of ANS cast past and present, augmented by The Bill cast past and present and certain guests we see fit to include.

An extended arrangement of the opening to The Chiffons' "Sweet Talking Guy".

As the bass stabs hit, we reach the gatehouse.
JOHN stands at the gate, in Victorian Undertaker's garb with tailed Top Hat. He bows and sweeps his introduction as we pass by him into the Cemetery.
Within the walls, a carnival atmosphere with clowns, jugglers and fire-eaters parading about at the peripheries of shot.

JOHN
Sweet talking guy
Talking sweet kinda lies;

As he sings, we get various shots about our current position, revealing, for instance, that our initial POV was from a rank of the parade containing STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB and BABYSHAM.
STEW wears a black dress of the usual godly cut, with a big black overcoat and the usual para-boots. He is holding back tears.
ALEX wears his Hawaiian garb from Ep.6, with a big black coat and the usual sunglasses.
JIM_CB wears a big black coat over his clown suit.
BABYSHAM is still charred.

The four of them sing backing "Oohs".

JOHN
Don't you believe in him;
If you do, he'll make you cry:
He'll send you flowers,

NIGEL appears from somewhere in the throng, wearing his snooker suit.

JOHN & NIGEL
And paint the town with another girl.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

Slowly but surely, JOHN is leading the procession up the hill, up some steps and through an Egyptian archway in the wall. We see and interact with many of the cast, ad lib. We do not see STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB or BABYSHAM coming through this arch.

JOHN
Sweeter than sugar,

JUNE & GINA
(in glamourous black dresses)
Ooh.

JOHN
Kisses like wine,

GALENA & JASON
(likewise)
Oh, he's so fine!

JOHN
Don't let him under your skin,
Cos you'll never win.

ANT & ALAN
(in black and white vertical-striped prison uniforms)
No, you'll never win.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

MARY appears wearing black robes and a lace veil.

MARY & JOHN
Tomorrow he's on his way.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

MADONNA wears similar robes and veil.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

We're now through the wall and into the upper section of the cemetery. Most of the assembled cast are through the archway and massed, clutching flaming torches and facing upwards. Somewhere about are two large black coffins under The Bill cast PALL BEARERS.

PARADE
Why do I love him like I do?

We now embark on a double-length version of the instrumental, to give us more time to play with.

Up on the hill to the right, though never really dwelt on, is a tall, pepper-pottish pagoda consisting of a dome on a number of pillars. At the bottom of the dome runs a legend: BLESSED ARE THE GEESE FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. The legend glows like mild neon, and the whole assembly is rotating at a modest pace.
The parade is approaching a temple at the heart of the cemetery. Behind a row of pillars is an Egyptian doorway, bricked up. At its centre is a plate-metal plug with two handles. Over the door is a frieze. We do not yet dwell on any of this.
From the temple runs a broad flight of stone stairs down the bank of the hill.

Flanking the stairs, all the way down, are female cast-members of The Bill. They wear black heels, black translucent tights, and spangly leotard tops designed after Juliet Bravo WPC uniforms. They have big hair with WPC hats wedged in, and have the checked neckties. They have white horse-hair plumes sticking out from their arses, and carry large black or white (alternately) feather fans. Very Busby Berkley.

At the bottom, STAMP and QUINNAN, wearing police Horse Guards uniform. They stand barring the stairs with crossed pikes. They open the pikes and step sideways, clearing the way for an ascending party of STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, and BABYSHAM.

POLICE WOMEN
Ooh, Ooh-ooh.

LOWER LEFT FLANK
He's a sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

POLICEWOMEN
...guy!

JOHN greets the ascending party outside the temple. As he does so, the rest of the cast, dressed as the cast of Oliver! enter from the flanks. It is now snowing. They do actions.

PARADE
Stay away from him, stay away from him, don't believe his lyin'...

POLICEWOMEN
Stay away from him,

JOHN grips the handles of the metal plug in the doorway to the temple.

POLICEWOMEN
No, no, no, you'll never win.

PARADE
You know you'll never win, no you'll never win, you'll just end up cryin'...

He turns the handles and, with all of his strength, removes the plate.

POLICEWOMEN
Ooh...

A blinding white light spews out from the square hole.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

The PALL BEARERS manoeuvre the first coffin and begin to push it through the white limbo aperture.

OMRA, INANNA & UTU
Tomorrow he's on his way...

CUT TO:
A shot of this as seen from the bottom of the stairs: JOHN at the top, with the light coming from the temple, the PARADE flanking him on both sides at the top of the stairs, the POLICEWOMEN down the sides of the stairs, and STAMP and QUINNAN stood at the base of the stairs, on each side, looking down at their feet. The PALL BEARERS finish the first coffin and begin to insert the second during the following sequence.

JOHN runs down the first few steps towards us.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin'...

The UPPER LEFT FLANK of POLICEWOMEN swing out into the centre of the stairs, holding their fans against JOHN.

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

The camera begins to crane up. The performers continue to face the camera as it rises.

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
(ditto)
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

From between the flanks, hidden from view until now, appear, on the left side, JIM_CB (above) and BABYSHAM (below). They make jazz hands.

JIM_CB & BABYSHAM
Sweet talkin'...

STEW (above) and ALEX (below) do the same on the right.

STEW & ALEX
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP and QUINNAN pirouette across each other, locking their pikes across as they roll past.
As they do so, the PALL BEARERS, having inserted their coffins, pirouette to their respective sides of the top of the stairs, with a beautiful grace.

PALL BEARERS, STAMP & QUINNAN
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP & QUINNAN finish their rotations so that they stand the opposite way around at the base of the steps, pikes crossed.
We've craned up to a high angle of the scene, wide enough to fit the entire parade into shot. All are looking up at us.

ALL
...Guy!!!

As they sing, the bricks in the doorway to the temple explode out across the scene. They disintegrate as they pass over the crowd so as not to cause injury.

CUT TO:


JOHN stands at the door to the temple, on the right. He is ushering the procession through the door (a slightly staggered two by two). Beyond the doorway is white limbo. We are in the queue ourselves (behind ALEX & BABYSHAM (two ahead) and JIM_CB & STEW (one ahead)) and so have to contend with the heads of those in front. JOHN shakes the hands of each person on the right, before they pass through, then indicates the door with a sway of his arm.

GALENA & JASON
(not necessarily in shot)
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

ANT & ALAN
(ditto)
No no no... you'll never win...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
Ooh, Ooh-ooh...

As we reach nearer to the front, we see that on the left side of the door stands FRED (...Harris) in his blue dress. He too is shaking hands. JOHN shakes the hands of those on the right, and FRED those on the left.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

ALEX and BABYSHAM pass through.

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

JIM_CB and STEW pass through.

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

As JOHN delivers his line, our angle is of FRED. FRED smiles reassuringly at us. He shakes our hand (oos).

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

The music begins to fade, and with it the vision. We angle up to see, over the door, a stone frieze of a radiant bird; perhaps a dove, or maybe a small goose. The frieze is tingling with a curious golden energy which allows the image to last longer through the fade-out than it might otherwise do.

PARADE
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
(overdub)
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
No no no no...