ANSX: The Gospel According to James
[DURATION: c.60']
EXT - TUDOR SQUARE, SHEFFIELD - EARLY EVENING

Establishing track shot of the Crucible Theatre.

CUT TO:
INT - CRUCLIBLE TOILETS - EVENING

JIM_SD, with his back to us, is packing a series of metal tubes into a cue-case.

He clamps the cue case up, and turns to leave.

 CUT TO:
INT - CRUCIBLE LOBBY - EVENING

JIM_SD sweeps through the glass doors and into the lobby.

He paces deliberately towards the exit, with his case swinging in his hand.

JIM_SD trots down the stairs, all Game For A Laugh.

 CUT TO:
EXT - TUDOR SQUARE - EVENING

We see JIM_SD come through the entrance hall and out into the square.
He looks up, shading his eyes from the light.

 CUT TO:
EXT - SURREY STREET - EVENING

A street full of phone boxes.

JIM_SD emerges from one at the Tudor Square end, heads up to the next, looks in, heads up to the next, etc.

He is clearly looking for something specific in one of the boxes.

At the end of the road, by the Town Hall, is a strange, green and white, wooden Police Box. A look of recognition as JIM_SD enters the box.

Beat.

The Police Box dematerialises, leaving behind an anonymous concrete plinth.

 WIPE TO:
EXT - SHEEP FIELDS & ENVIRONS - EVENING

We are in Derbyshire. All around are grassy fields, and at random intervals across the fields are the smouldering and charred remains of what might once have been sheep. Charred exploded skeletons and flaming pools of lanolin.

Tilt to give more sky, and the tops of cliffs and hills.

Some birds flap across the sky to break up any monotony. They should not be geese.

At the same instance starts up a bagpie rendition of Amazing Grace.

On one cliff, to the left of shot, walks on a man in full Scottish garb: all ruffles and kiltiness. He is JOE (Frazer Hinds).

He appears to be playing the bagpipes, but as we get a closer look (for that is what the camera is going to do) we notice that it is, in fact, a dead goose that he's blowing down.

We arc right around him, below him, like some Bon Jovi video, as he throws himself into his goose playing.

As the shot reveals more of the cliffery, we notice, on a solitary rock, ZOE (Leah Bracknell).

ZOE has medium length black hair with a fringe and an elasticated lavender-blue headband. She wears a moddish black mini-dress and black knee-length lace-up boots. Over this she wears a black, fitted, mini-length woolen overcoat, buttoned up. She is quite windswept.

At her chest she clutches a posy made up of heather, forget-me-nots, mother-die, red campion, burnet rose, Yorkshire fog, and lime leaves.

She sings:

ZOE
Yea, when this flesh
And heart shall fail,
And Mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess
Within the veil
A life of joy and peace.

There is one more figure on these rocks, who fades into the sound mix now. He is JIM_DT (David Troughton), who wears a big fake-fur coat and a floppy hat (all very Flannagan & Allan).

He is accompanying the song on a penny whistle.

We don't go for a close-up of him, just have him pottering in the background.

ZOE
When we've been there
Ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun...
We've no less days
To sing His praise
Than when we've first begun.

The music finishes on a disonant chord.

JIM_DT continues on his whistle, in spite of the fact that the song has ended. He is playing Goodbye My Coney Island Babe.

His performance fizzles out as he realises the song is over.

He looks about for some sort of feedback.

ZOE and JOE enter shot, minus their previous baggage.

ZOE
Where are we, Doctor?

JIM_DT takes a resigned breath.

JIM_DT
Driffield.

 CUT TO:
EXT - CROISSANT - EVENING

Distant shot of Croissant. Croissant is a built up version of the University of York, and we last saw it in Ep5. It should look the same as then.

As the simultaneous shots come to a close, OMRA (Matthew Perry) comes into shot from below. He is close to the camera, which will have to shift focus rapidly, and has arrived in shot by virtue of walking up the hill the camera is on.

This incarnation of OMRA is the young, unprostheticed version as seen in Babysham. He wears a brown dressing gown (with white and brown rope piping) and slippers, and carries a futuristic shepherd's crook.

He comes closer, blacking out the shot.

 CUT TO:
EXT - CLIFFS - EVENING

Reverse angle as OMRA approaches JIM_DT, ZOE and JOE, waving and saying:

OMRA
Hello there.

A yellow and blue droid, ATOO, rolls past. It looks a bit like a remote controlled pedal-bin.

It is comical on the uneven ground.

OMRA
Come by!

The droid turns and rolls into a rock.

JIM_DT rolls his eyes but his friends look on in awe as we...

 WIPE UP TO:
INT - BOTTLE BANK - DAY

We are in a dark bottle-bank (green bottles), and at the centre of shot is a woman's hand, probing in the darkness from the appeture. Her arm is surrounded by a halo of light.

The hand feels for and grabs a bottle that is well within reach. It lifts the bottle out of the bank. In the glint of light we can see that it is half full of red wine.

 CUT TO:
INT - GALENA'S TARDIS - DAY

The hand belongs to GALENA (Lucy Porter). She has chocolate-coloured hair in a long, broad bob, and wears black-rimmed, wide and narrow glasses. She has on a moderately tight purple ribbed jumper, black jeans and black ankle-boots. Her sleeves are rolled up.

She draws the bottle from one of the port-hole decorations on the wall. They can only be made out on the left wall. The rest are lost in the limbo expanse that is this set.

She lifts the bottle to her mouth and takes a swig of red wine. She then mops her lips.

She carries the bottle with her as she walks steadily to the right. The wall pans out of shot, and we keep GALENA at the centre as she strolls into the depths of limbo.

We cut to a shot extremely close to the Tardis controls. The uppy-downy bit of the control column is to the left of shot.

GALENA approaches, from the distance, in the space of the top-right. She is far away and out of focus.

She gets closer by the end of shot, with her legs disappearing behind the desk panels, but she remains out of focus.

 CUT TO:
INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

A blue sphere with beautiful shimmering spots of light reflected in it.

We are following a blue snooker ball as it trundles into the right centre pocket.

As the ball disappears, a rain of blue chalk descends past the camera and into the pocket.

We draw back to see JIM_SD bending towards us, cue pointing straight at the camera.

He lines up on the cueball.

The cueball fires straight at the lens.
With a swift rise and arc, the camera moves into a reverse overhead shot to see the white ball strike a pink straight into the left side pocket.

Colour of Money track of the white which is spinning back for a black into the pocket that is normally at the bottom left of our telly.

JIM_SD smiles as he walks over to the pocket in question.

We are in a Victorian billiards room in a stately home. The windows have been replaced with white light-boxes.

JIM_SD wears tidy jeans and a dark blue shirt.

He runs his hand around the inside of the pocket, removing some fluff from the top edge.
He walks around to make the pot.

He wipes his cue with his handkerchief.

He goes down to make the shot.

He's really thinking about it.

He makes the shot.

The black rattles the jaws.

WHITE OUT.
INT - GALENA'S TARDIS - DAY

We pan right, and the control panel comes into view. We pan back to the position we were in at the end of the scene here in the TOP LEFT. But GALENA is not in the shot.

GALENA's head appears in the space above the control panel. She is much nearer now.

As she approaches further, we crane up to get a more sensible angle.

She takes another swig of wine and runs her fingers through her hair.

Putting the bottle down by the control panel, she produces from her pocket a sonic screwdriver (a flat-bladed little thing with an orange perspex handle containing a bulb and a fuse).

Shot from under the control-panel. GALENA slides into shot using two metal handles on the desk to pivot her weight. The screwdriver is between her teeth.
Down under the desk, she sits and sets about unscrewing a panel above her. It should be one of several maintenance panels.

Once the plate is unscrewed, GALENA takes another swig of wine.

She probes the screwdriver in the hole, into a mess of smouldering wires.
The bulb lights up.

GALENA pulls the screwdriver out, shaking it.

She crawls around to a fridge-like door in the column, and opens it. It is a cupboard full of household cleaning products, dusters, candlesticks, matches, tins, boot-polish etc.

She drags some of the stuff out, including a triple torch.

She sets the torch to strip-light mode.

She turns the torch off.

She clears a path to the back of the cupboard, then thrusts an arm in.

She struggles with something at the back of the cupboard.

There is a click and the scene is plunged into darkness.

There is a flicker and the strip-light torch comes on.

GALENA drags the torch back round to the open panel.

There is an orange glow of gentle fire coming from within.

She swigs some more wine; the bottle glows in the torch-light.

She prods the screwdriver back in the hole and starts tugging at the wiring. Bits of smoking, lightly flaming wire rain down around her.

She rolls a sleeve down over her weaker hand.

She plunges the sleeved hand up into the hole, and rips out all sorts of circuitry and wiring.

She dusts off the smouldering jumper, then shines her light up into the hole.

She peers into the hole.

INT - TARDIS CONTROL CONSOLE - DARK

We are in the dark amongst alien circuitry.

A striplight torch is put in from a hole at the bottom of shot. It doesn't shine straight at us.

We can see GALENA peering up into the console.

She puts her head into the hole and peers about, grabbing the torch and shining it right at us, blinding the shot in whiteness.

Bleach out and...

INT - GALENA'S TARDIS - CONT.

GALENA with her head in the hole. She starts and bangs her head.

She pulls her head out of the hole, rubbing it.

She pulls out the torch and points it behind her.

There stands JASON (Jason Donovan). He wears a tutu and pink ballet slippers.

GALENA
I'm trying to fix this bloody machine.

Jason is startled.

GALENA
Oh... sorry, Jace...
I regenerated.

JASON
You did?

GALENA
Yeah... I electrocuted myself.

JASON
Oh.

GALENA
We discussed this, Jace.

JASON
I know...

GALENA
Well what do you think?

She shines the torch on herself.

JASON
Er...

GALENA
Not like it?
I think it's pretty good. Bit gawky perhaps, but I'm not complaining.

JASON
Right.

GALENA
Bit suppler. Not much, but a bit.
And I can hold my water now too. So that's good news, eh?

JASON
I suppose.
Need any help?

GALENA
No, ta. Wine?

JASON
Mm? No thanks.

JASON sits, crosslegged in the middle of the floor.

GALENA swigs some more wine, then goes back into her hole.

Save the halo of light around her neck, the scene is now in darkness.

JASON
Shall I sing a song?

GALENA
I don't think so.
Not now I've got my hearing back.
(beat, as she comes out of the hole)
Joke.

JASON
Oh.

GALENA
(peering into the hole)
Where's your guitar?

JASON
Back in my room.

GALENA
(out of the hole)
Well why don't you go and get it, eh?

JASON
(downbeat)
Ok.

GALENA
Good lad.

She returns again to the hole, and starts poking about.

JASON turns away and slumps off into the darkness.

We stick with GALENA as she continues to probe with her torch and her sonic screwdriver.

She's really getting down to business now, and the hole she is in occasionally glows whiter with the sounds of welding.

GALENA
Hah!

Satisfied, she begins to pull out, but as she does so, she knocks the torch to the floor.

The torch hits the floor and switches to orange flashing light mode.

At the same moment, GALENA hits her head.

GALENA
Tits!

She begins to pull out of the hole, but her hair is caught on something.

GALENA
Yow!

She tries to detach herself, and eventually succeeds.

She picks up the torch and flicks it back to the neon setting.

She goes to the fridge-like door again, and flicks the circuit back on.

The lighting in the room flickers on like neon, and as the intensity increases, we bleach out.

MIX TO:
EXT - MIDDLEWOOD HOSPITAL, SHEFFIELD - EARLY EVENING

Establish a ruined hospital.

Bats fly about across the face of the oversized moon.

MIX TO:
INT - MENTAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT

We track through corridors of the scariest hospital we can conceive. We should probably use a hand held camera at a low angle for that extra-spooky feel.

We set the scene with an array of suitably frightening extras: bald mad people with bad teeth, terrifying Soviet nurses in dirty white outfits, chilling Nazi doctors who worship at the feet of Morpheus. We mix them up a bit and have them scattered along the corridors at appropriate points.

In addition, parts of the corridors should be smeared with yellowing blood, covered in mildew, and generally looking nightmarish.

On our journey we occasionally follow trolleys being carried hear or there, and catch distant screams. Mix in some eerie music with an element of escalating horror.

At one point we pass by an orange flashing light fixed to the wall. What it might indicate is unclear.

After a while we find ourselves outside the door of a cell. We hear strained cooing and babbling from within.

The door opens all by itself and we enter. We are in a padded, brightly neon-lit, off-white cell at the far corner of which sits LUCY. She has deep set eyes, greasy hair, and wears a straight jacket. She is spotty and dribbles snot and saliva. She is rocking and moaning.

Wrapped up in her noises, we might catch a distorted:

LUCY
You don't exist...
You don't exist...

She wraps her tethered arms over her head.

Her noises (and the soundtrack) reach a frightened crescendo, and we zoom into her terrified and tearful eye.

BLEACH OUT.


INT - CRAGSIDE DRAWING ROOM - DAY

Long shot down a brightly lit room. There are sky-lights in the ceiling, throwing down limbo-inducing amounts of white light.
We've replaced the kitsch paintings with Kandinskis and Star Wars conceptual art, all in grand frames. There's a giant print of Chevy Chase (in Fletch Lives) on the left wall. In among the tat on the tables are Star Wars models. At the far end of the room is a grotesquely over-the-top marble fireplace. To the left of the fireplace, obscuring a door, is a tripartite screen.

LEON's legs fall into the fireplace, followed by the rest of him, in a crumpled lump.
He's just getting up when the top half of the NINJA falls into his lap. The NINJA's gun strikes LEON's head and fires the corner off one of the pediments of the fireplace.

LEON rubs his head. His clothes are covered in golden blood, and so is the floor.

JIM_SD
(o.o.s)
You're making a right mess.

Reveal shot showing JIM_SD leant against the pillar at the left of the fireplace, previously obscured by the screen. He has his snooker cue in his hand.

LEON
You would if you'd lost your glasses.

LEON stumbles towards JIM_SD, throwing the semi-NINJA into the fireplace.

He passes a statue of the water-nymph Undine, patting its head and kissing it, and leaving behind golden lips of angel-blood.

LEON
Good luck.

LEON walks through the now open door behind the screen.

CUT TO:


INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM

We look straight over the snooker table. JIM_SD stands by one of the score-boards on the far wall. There is an open door to the right from which we hear (after a beat):

LEON
(o.o.s)
You seem to have decked this out quite fancy.

As he finishes his sentence he appears in the doorway.

JIM_SD
I do my best on limited means.

JIM_SD flicks a switch and the table descends into the floor.

The lighting descends too, and from a niche in the ceiling comes down a Tardis Console.

The Console settles at the centre of the room. It has six green uppy-downy things rather than the usual one.

JIM_SD walks up and starts playing with the console.

LEON
If I could see that, I'm sure I'd think it was very classy.

JIM_SD opens a draw on the console and pulls out LEON's glasses.
He passes them to LEON who has come up by his side.
LEON puts his glasses on and looks around.

LEON
Lovely.

He goes over to the light-box windows.

LEON
Not much of a view.

JIM_SD is still fiddling with the controls. LEON is walking back over.

LEON
Need any help?

JIM_SD
No, ta.

LEON
Mm...

LEON hangs his bloody coat on the door.

He does his best to wipe the blood off the rest of him with a handkerchief from his pocket.

LEON
This bloody angel-blood gets everywhere. Sorry about this.

JIM_SD
(no sound)
Don't worry about it.

LEON, carrying a chess book that he has taken from the inside pocket of his coat, lays out on a long seat at the side of the room and starts to read.

JIM_SD flicks something with a grand movement and steps back as the uppy-downy tubes start to do that rising and falling thing that Tardis consoles occasionally do at grand moments. This comes complete with materialisation noises.

CUT TO:
EXT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

Any signs that say Corn Exchange are altered to say "Great Hall of Calvados".

It is early morning and there is absolutely no traffic.

Which is as well, because a mongrel dog is sat in the middle of the road, with his back to us, looking towards the main entrance of the building.

There is a splatting sound as Jim_SD's green and cream police box Tardis materialises over the dog.

Close shot of the door of the Tardis. It opens, and out steps JIM_SD.

Cut to a locked off shot with the Tardis at the centre.

JIM_SD steps out into the street and looks about.

As he is surveying the scene, LEON appears from the same door.

LEON
You missed.

JIM_SD
No. Even with the Stargate open, there's still restricted access to dimensional portals.

LEON
So what do we do?

LEON tries to push the Tardis but it doesn't budge.

LEON
We can't push it.

JIM_SD
Wait there.

JIM_SD goes around the back of the Tardis, out of shot. There is a pause during which we hear some clunking noises.

Then, with a whirr of electric motors, JIM_SD drives around to the front (and into shot) in a small forklift truck (with an orange flashing light on top).

LEON
That's handy.

JIM_SD
That's why I brought it.

JIM_SD guides the forklift into a position from where it can lift the Tardis.

LEON guides JIM_SD to the entrance and ends up in a position where he'll not see the squished dog-remnants on the tarmac.

JIM_SD
How'm I doing?

LEON
Left a bit. That's ok. Keep coming.

JIM_SD drives the forklift and Tardis into the building.

As he does so, we flare to white.

INT - PICHOLL'S OFFICE - NIGHT

We are in a '40s style private detective's office. It's reminiscent of Babysham's office, but much more universally retro. There's no computer here, for instance.

There's a frosted glass wall at the left rear, and the windows read (backwards) "N. J. PICHOLL - PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR". It has a venetian blind hung in it.

We pan and pull out, across the desk, to reveal a pair of feet on the desk, and a pair of legs stretching back into a chair. The chair has its back to us.

A blurry shadow beyond the glass begins to focus against the door.

Cut to a ECU shot of PICHOLL (Jarvis Cocker) who is sat with his eyes shut. The shadow at the door darkens his face, which is barred by the shadows of the venetian blind.

The door opens. The woman is still in silhouette from the light of the room beyond.

Light scuds across PICHOLL's face from the open doorway. He opens his eyes.

Cut to a tracking shot around the front of the desk (in the opposite direction to the travel of light in the previous shot), as we get our first proper view of PICHOLL. He is stretching his arm back to flick a wall-switch behind him, though it is too dark for us to know this explicitly.

The only light source in here is a desk lamp.
 

A series of strip-lights, above, flicker into being, illuminating the woman gradually -- but sufficiently to make for a contrast and for us to identify her as CAROLINE (Heather Nova).

Her hair is in a '40s perm style. She wears a long, Italianate, camel-hair coat. Beneath this she wears a broad-collared cream-yellow silk blouse, and a red-brown, woollen, full-length A-line skirt. She has '80s basic white plastic jewellery on that in the half-light will appear to be pearls. Any further accessories should combine late '40s and early '80s styles.

In her mitts is a small carpet bag, which she is dipping into. She should not stoop as she does this, but instead maintain a statuesque pose.

She draws something from the bag, but we cut to a shot of PICHOLL sitting up and sliding his chair towards us/her.

CAROLINE (oos)
I want them found.

Shot of CAROLINE handing PICHOLL a photo. We can't see who of.

PICHOLL
'Sup? Babysham not in?

CAROLINE
The place was boarded up.
You were next in the book.

PICHOLL
Never used to be.

He puts down the photo.

PICHOLL
I'm happy to take on the case,
but I'll need more to go on than a photo.

From out of shot, PICHOLL receives a ring-binder from CAROLINE. He opens it.

PICHOLL
This seems thorough.

CU of CAROLINE looking pensive/sinister.

DISSOLVE TO:
INT - MENTAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT

It is brightly lit in flickery white strip-lighting.

Shot down a dismal corridor.

Squeaking of a trolley, distant.

A trolley with a body on it scuds round a corner at the far end of the corridor, at a 45° angle. It is followed closely by a PORTER (Phil Oakey). He has a daft half-long/half-short haircut, and a lot of makeup. He wears a big blue overcoat, and '80s walkman headphones (orange ears and a silver headband). On his feet he wears black slingbacks with kitten heels. He chews pink bubble-gum. It must be the early '80s.

PORTER pushes the trolley with skilful abandon, letting it run freely on occasion, and making use of its momentum glide.

The PORTER wheels the trolley towards us along the long corridor.

Note -- We'll cut in usual close-ups of trolley wheels, and obligatory POV of ceiling passing overhead as appropriate. There is no chaos though. It is a single porter pushing a single trolley.

The closer he gets, the more we get shots of the trolley's contents. It is a body zipped up in a bodybag.

When we exhaust the first corridor we move on to other corridors. The more Tarkovsky the corridors the better. Lots of peeling paint and dripping damp.

The PORTER enters a door marked MORTUARY, and we stay outside.

MIX TO:


EXT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

An extravagant crane shot starting high above so as to show the circular form of the building in all its Albert Hall glory.

We crane down in a pleasant arc and touch down in the road, opposite the entrance.

The dog bits are still there.

We now track into the building, over the dog.

As we enter the building, the change in light intensity is sufficient to black out the shot.

MIX / FLARE TO:
INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

A blinding high-contrast shot of the glass domed roof.

Tilt down past the rectangular block of glazing.

We are shooting from the mezzanine, and so keep tilting past the horizontal.

The tilt reveals, in the dead centre of the hall's otherwise empty floor, the green and white TARDIS.

JIM_SD emerges from an entrance to the hall at the top of shot (we should be looking near to straight down) and walks steadily to the TARDIS.

LEON emerges from the opposite end a moment later, and makes the same determined walk, but that bit faster so as to coincide their meeting at the centre.

The two reach the TARDIS and steadily walk around it, anti-clockwise. LEON still walks quicker.

JIM-SD will do 2 laps. LEON will do 1½ laps. Both in the same space of time.

Cut to a view of the front (JIM_SD's side) of the TARDIS. The two of them have reached the door together.

JIM_SD raises a yale key.

JIM_SD
You ready for this?

LEON shrugs a resigned shrug.

JIM_SD steps up to the door of the TARDIS and sets about opening it with the key.

Broad high shot of JIM_SD stepping in through the now open door. LEON doesn't move.

JIM_SD
Come on, then.

LEON tentatively follows in.

He shuts the door behind himself.

Cut to the door close-up.
LEON doesn't sneck the door. He opens it again, takes a good look around as if saying goodbye, then finally resigns himself to the forthcoming enterprise and shuts the door with a bang.

INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

JIM_SD is already prodding at the control panel of the TARDIS in the time-honoured way.

LEON's body obscures shot for a moment as he passes into the room.

JIM_SD
Shut that curtain.

JIM_SD resets the snooker scoreboard on the wall with a sweep of his hand as LEON reaches across shot and draws a curtain over the camera.

MIX TO:
INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

The big over-head shot of the TARDIS in the room.

LEON (over)
I'm not too sure this is safe.

Beat.

INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

CU of JIM_SD, looking up from the controls.

JIM_SD
Course it's not safe.

He goes back to prodding, and at the same moment, the middle bits start doing the up and down business.

LEON caresses the bridge of his nose, and sits himself down squarely.

INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

The TARDIS begins to dematerialise.

WHITE OUT.


 INT - MORTUARY

The trolley from earlier lies empty. A MORTICIAN (Martin Fry) in white lab-coat and greasy hair, straightens out the body on a mortuary cabinet drawer.

He writes something on the cabinet paperwork, and slips it in the drawer window.

He potters about with some stuff on a desk area opposite the cabinets. He finds a watch there and reads the time from it. We don't.

He writes something else on the paperwork and replaces it in the drawer window.

He unzips the bag slightly to reveal the dead head of JIM_SP (Sean Pertwee) complete with grey perm wiggery.

He zips the bag back up.

Satisfied with everything, he shoves the drawer into the cabinet.

POV shot as if we were an un-bagged body.

The drawer slams shut in time with the gunshot in BOTTOM LEFT, and we are plunged into blackness.

Hold for a few moments.

Reverse of the previous shot: POV of the drawer opening.

A SECOND MORTICIAN (Richard H. Kirk) peers down at us. He reaches for the zip.

Shot of SECOND MORTICIAN unzipping the body bag fully to reveal a naked torso. We don't see the head, because it is occluded by the mortician's body.

It should be obvious from the camera angle and the position of the body in the rack that this is the same body as before.

We follow SECOND MORTICIAN as he goes over to the side to check some notes and gather some implements.

He realises that he's forgotten something, and dashes to the door.

As he leaves the room, he switches off the lights.

BLACK
Quartered screen:
 
TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
.
Neon lighting pre-flicker and serial switch-on to reveal:
.
INT - MORTUARY - DAY

Very brightly lit CU of JIM_CE (Christopher Eccleston), a la Shallow Grave. He starts off upside down, eyes closed, and the shot rotates until he is the right way up.
 

INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

CU of JIM_SD, stood against one of the light-box windows, facing us, eyes shut.

He opens his eyes and stares at us.

JIM_CE
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

He opens his eyes and stares at us.

JIM_SD
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

INT - GOTHIC TARDIS - DAY

CU of JIM_AH (Anthony Head) with a dark backdrop. His eyes are closed.

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

He opens his eyes

JIM_AH
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
INT - COMPACTING CHAMBER - NIGHT

CU of JIM_PD (Peter Davison) lit from below with a torch. He has  beard. His eyes are shut.

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

Take a chance
 

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

He opens his eyes.

JIM_PD
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

The two halves of the screen part: the widescreen shots of the Jims contract to an 8:9 or similar to give us a similar ratioed space at the centre.
 

TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
CENTRE
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
    INT - WHITE LIMBO SET - DAY

This frame slides up from the bottom. In it, JIM_FS (Frank Skinner) and JIM_TB (Tom Baker). 

JIM_FS wears his blue shirt and trousers, but with a pair of thigh-length velvet boots with heels. He has a blue flower behind his right ear.

JIM_TB wears a very very long scarf, mainly in earthy tones, wrapped about his body like some very elaborate Missoni dress. Below this is his usual coat and trousers. Over he wears fake-fur topped suede boots of a standard knee length. They lack substantial heels. Behind his left ear is a red flower. He wears a red-brown curly wig.

The two Jims stand with their backs to against each other. JIM_TB is on the right, and faces more right that JIM_FS who faces more central. But the difference is only 45 degrees or so. 

Their heads turn to camera as they sing:

   
JIM_SD
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
JIM_AH
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
JIM_FS & JIM_TB
If you change your mind...
JIM_CE
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
JIM_PD
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance

The central portion now quarters to give us eight 8:9 ratio frames. A, B, C and D are on the top row, E, F, G and H are on the bottom row. (w) and (b) indicate rough colourscheme (black against white). (m) indicates male vocal line, (f) female.
A = JIM_SD (w)(m)
B = EXT - WICKER ARCHES - NIGHT: JIM_DT (David Troughton), close up, facing front, as per the other shots. He wears the same outfit as earlier. (b)(f)
C = JIM_TB, close up, facing front, as per the other shots. (w)(f)
D = JIM_PD (b)(m)
E = JIM_AH (b)(m)
F = JIM_FS, close up, facing front, as per the other shots. (w)(f)
G = INT - PRISON CELL - DAY: JIM_CB (Colin Baker), close up, facing front, as per the other shots. He is in a dark cell with noirish shafts of light illuminating his face. He wears a bad corkscrew blonde perm wig and a clownish multicoloured suit. (b)(f)
H = JIM_CE (w)(m)

Male vocal singers continue with much the same lyrics, while:

JIM_DT, _TB, _FS, _CB
I'm the first in line.

The position of the frames switches now:
A = CB
B = CE
C = AH
D = FS
E = TB
F = PD
G = SD
H = DT

JIM_DT, _TB, _FS, _CB
Honey, I'm still free,
Take a chance on me.

As they sing the line "Take a Chance on Me", the frames contract, vertically, to introduce a central horizontal band of four new frames. At the same time, the top line of frames move right, and the bottom line left. The top line moves at twice the speed. As a frame falls off the end, it loops back to the beginning.

The result of this movement is three rows of four 4:3 ratio screens, A, B, C, D; E, F, G, H; I, J, K, L. The chequered effect is maintained by the movement. The cells are now stationary again as:

A = AH (b)(m)
B = FS (w)(f)
C = CB (b)(f)
D = CE (w)(m)
E = INT - WHITE ISSUE TARDIS - DAY: JIM_SM (Sylvester McCoy) in a paisley-scarf-adorned hat, and a black-piped white boating jacket, cricket jumper, pads etc. He has a leek stuck to his lapel, with the number 6 cut out of it. (w)(f)
F = INT - K2 RED PHONE BOX - NIGHT: JIM_RG (Richard E. Grant) in Victorian garb and Russian fake-fur hat. (b)(f)
G = INT - WHITE CELL - DAY: JIM_PM (Paul McGann), in a white cell. He is completely shaven, though stubbly, and wears a white Russian shirt. (w)(m)
H = INT - NAZI PILLBOX - DAY: JIM_SP (Sean Pertwee) dressed like Austin Powers but with a big grey perm wig. A rectangular window of sea juts into shot from right. (b)(m)
I = PD (b)(m)
J = SD (w)(m)
K = DT (b)(f)
L = TB (w)(f)

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you need me, let me know,

Positions switch to an inverted colour / sex layout. Positions should be as varied as possible given the constraint.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
Gonna be around,

Invert / shuffle.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you've got no place to go,

Invert / shuffle. TB faces backwards. RG faces right.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you're feeling down.

Full screen shot of JIM_RG's phone-box (right of shot). It is the K2 "K.West" box from the Ziggy Stardust sleeve. We track right, and the box reaches the middle of shot. JIM_RG pokes his head and upper body from behind the box, like some awful Fame-style musical sequence, and delivers his line. Other vocals are still in the mix.

JIM_RG (et al)
If you're all alone...

As he delivers his line, his frame is moving left and is being replaced by the next frame, which is JIM_DT. He is leaning on the right wall of a brickwork arch. The angle is such that much of what lies beyond the bridge's aperture is occluded. In front of him is a flaming brazier.
At the start of JIM_DT's line, he may not be visible, but will become apparent as the frame slides into place.

JIM_DT (et al)
When the pretty birds have flown...

The same effect; the frames are in constant steady movement, at a pace determined by the lyrics. The next frame is JIM_SP. He is stepping up out of the pill-box and onto a daylight soaked dune. The colour palette here is muted. He is waving his limbs about like Austin Powers, wiggling his bum and singing into his sonic nose-hair clipper (painted silver).

JIM_SP (et al)
Honey, I'm still free...

The next frame is the limbo set. Two chairs are positioned, a la the Abba video. On the nearer left-most chair sits JIM_CE in cricket attire, head held in hands, elbows on knees. He sings the male line. Nearer to us, JIM_FS and JIM_TB camp it up a little.

JIM_FS & JIM_TB (et al)
Take a chance on me!

Next along is JIM_AH in his Gothic TARDIS, plucking a book from a library in there. He is lit by candles and the glowing console. He opens the book and sings from it.

JIM_AH (et al)
Gonna do my very best...

He leans on the shelf which triggers a revolving mechanism. From the other side, looking bedraggled and scared, is JIM_PD, still holding the torch to his chin. The back of the cabinet is filthy metal.

JIM_PD (et al)
...and it in't no lie...

Next up we have JIM_SD stood, arms folded, in front of the light-box window. LEON is laid, eyes shut, on the bench.

JIM_SD (et al)
If you put me to the test...

Now to JIM_CB, clutching at prison bars and looking desperate.

JIM_CB (et al)
If you let me try.

An AMERICAN COP comes along and bashes JIM_CB's mitts with a truncheon.

We don't get to see another frame. We halt the frame and track right along the wall of bars. TOMY (Robbie Coltraine) can be seen sat on the cell's bed, at the back, in the corner, revealed by the track. He is looking down and not facing camera.

Mix to:

INT - LIMBO SET - DAY
(I'll start with the setting tags again before we all get too lost.)

Empty limbo. Sped up film. JIM_TB rides in from the vanishing point, at high speed, on K9 (the robot dog), coming to a halt and real time on reaching a full shot. He waves his felt hat (rodeo style) as his sings:

JIM_TB (et al)
Take a chance on me.

INT - BILLIARD ROOM

LEON is laid on the seating, eyes closed.

LEON
Come on, give me a break, will you?

Pull back/right to reveal JIM_SD chalking a snooker cue and eyeing up a break-off shot.

JIM_SD
Take a chance on me.

He takes the shot. We follow the white around the table and into a pocket.

MATT & JOE (prelap)
Oh, baby...

INT - LIMBO SET - DAY

MATT (Matt Baker) and JOE, in a dancing pose, hands joined; near arms stretched out to camera; heads facing us. Chairs in shot.

MATT & JOE
We can go dancing...

Quantel-style effect: revolving frame. It tilts upwards, rotating to give us, in the same set:

JO (Kellie Bright) and ROSE (Kim Wilde), breaking up from a similar dance move, one-handed and amicably. JO wears '70s trousers and blouse. ROSE wears '90s tracksuit and pink hoody.

JO & ROSE
We can go walking...

Similar effect.

Same set; CAROLINE (Heather Nova), and LEELA (Lucy Lawless), cling each others' hands in that soppy, limp sort of way. JIM_FS and JIM_CE sit on the chairs.

CAROLINE & LEELA
As long as we're together.

JIM_FS & JIM_CE
Long as we're together.

INT - JIM'S ROOM ON MR CHOPS - NIGHT

It's Jim's university dorm from Ep0. LUCY (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and BERLIN (Violet Berlin) sit either side of a hi-fi stack. The turntable lid is up. An LP is revolving.

The two companions face each other:

LUCY & BERLIN
Listen to some music...

Crane up, through the floor to another dorm, inwhich  HAZEL (Hazel Irvine) and PERI (Nicola Bryant) sit on a settee, with a blank space between them.

HAZEL & PERI
Maybe just talking...

Pan 180 degrees to an identical settee on which sit ACE (Sophie Aldred) and CONFECTION (Daphne Ashbrook). ACE wears Words & Pictures dungarees and stripey top.

ACE & CONFECTION
Get to know you better.

JIM_TB and JIM_AH stick their heads up from behind the settee.

JIM_TB & JIM_AH
Get to know you better.

JIM_RG leaps up between them. Mid-leap and mid-line, we cut to a full face shot:

JIM_RG
Cos you know I've got

INT - WHITE LIMBO SET

CU.

JIM_DT
So much that I wanna do

He wheels out of shot to reveal, a little further back:

JIM_SP
When I dream I'm alone with you

He wields his sonic nose-hair clippers like a wand, and with a cheap pyro effect (with obligatory green flare) he vanishes to reveal in his place the two chairs, on which sit JIM_CE and JIM_FS.

JIM_CE & JIM_FS
It's magic.

A random series of stop-motion -style shots of different Jims in the chairs in quick succession.

INT - PILL BOX - DAY

CU head shot. JIM_DT and JIM_SP at Abba angles: backs to each other; one looking closer to our direction than the other. The one is JIM_DT on the left. He turns to us.

JIM_DT
You say that I waste my time

Track around, with the panoramic slit view of the sea behind. JIM_SP tracks to the front.

JIM_SP
But I can't get you off my mind

Tracking continues, with DT being replaced by CE while occluded.

JIM_CE
And I can't let go

JIM_SP is replaced by JIM_SM in similar fashion.

JIM_SM
Cos I love you so.

INT - BLACK LIMBO

Head shot of JIM_PM:

JIM_PM
If you change your mind,

His face dissolves into a receding starfield and then recongeals as JIM_RG (a la '80s Who titles).

JIM_RG
I'm the first in line

Same effect to become JIM_DT.

JIM_DT
Honey I'm still free

Etc.

JIM_SP
Take a chance on me

JIM_CE
If you need me, let me know,

JIM_FS
Gonna be around

JIM_TB
If you've got no place to go,

JIM_AH
If you're feeling down...

JIM_SD
If you're all alone

JIM_PD
When the pretty birds have flown

JIM_CB
Honey I'm still free

JIM_SM
Take a chance on me

JIM_PM
Gonna do my very best

JIM_RG
And it in't no lie

This last face is less resolved, and is largely a mess of stars. We lose definition via a mix to:

EXT - GUERNSEY BEACH - DAY

A large Nazi pill-box rises up in the far right. Through some cunning focus, JIM_SP's head steps in in CU profile, looking at the tower.

JIM_SP
If you put me to the test,

He turns to face camera.

JIM_SP
If you let me try.

As he sings, he steps towards camera, obscuring and then clearing shot to reveal the other eleven JIMs in his wake, lined up on the beach, holding hands. They are stood in ANS consecutive order.

JIMs
Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me...

We cut to a closer shot, that tracks along the length of the Jim chain.

JIMs
Ba ba ba ba baa,
Ba ba ba ba baa

INT - WHITE ISSUE TARDIS

It's a very '80s TARDIS, but the "portholes" are rounded square recesses with no light boxes or anything. Soft '80s lighting.

In the foreground stand JIM_FS and JIM_TB as per their limbo shots. In the background, replacing the chairs, is the control panel.

JIM_FS & JIM_TB
Honey I'm still free

Jump-cut, with FS and TB now sat back to back on the control panel. The shot is locked in the same angle as before. In the foreground, in similar positions to where FS and TB were, stand JIM_SM and JIM_CE. Both are dressed for cricket. JIM_SM is sniffing a leek which he holds in his hand.

JIM_FS & JIM_TB
Take a chance on me

Jump-cut again. Now FS and TB are far off in the distance of the walled set.
CE and SM are sat on the control panel. SM, swinging his legs and munching his leek. He breaks off from his meal to sing (with slightly full mouth):

JIM_SM & JIM_CE
Gonna do my very best,

Closer angle on SM, without any other JIMs in shot.

JIM_SM
Baby can't you see

As he sings we tilt up, such that the wall might conceivably take the position, from our perspective, of a floor.
And through the magic of television, it does just this. Stood on the wall that is now a floor is JIM_PM.

As we tilt, the shot slides up the screen, and the aspect squishes, so this needs to be taken into account in framing the shot. It is now the top half of the screen.

Let's format this as a quad-screen:
 

TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
This frame is combined with TOP RIGHT.

JIM_PM is effortlessly walking along the thin gangways between the portholes; his mind is on higher things. He seems tortured, and his floppy Russian blouse emphasises his romantic artistry. His baldness is stubbly like some mental patient from a by-gone era. He carries an open volume of poetry (small and anonymous) and a daffodil, but is looking at neither. He sings:

JIM_PM
Gotta put me to the test,

He walks out of shot, left.

At the other corner of the matrix of recessed squares (in the right half of shot), an 8-bit snake of coloured arrows is superimposed, moving along a gangway, a la the Vortex.

Black. Black. This frame is combined with TOP LEFT.

See TOP LEFT.

We tilt down, so that the floor slowly becomes a wall.  JIM_PD flicks his torch on to reveal that we're in:

INT - COMPACTING CHAMBER - NIGHT

JIM_PD
Take a chance on me.

  We tilt down, so that the floor slowly becomes a wall. 
TOP LEFT CUTS AWAY TO:
EXT - PILL BOX - DAY

Fast track right, along the slit. At half distance stands the face of JIM_SP, who scuds through shot and out the other side, owing to the close angle and the speed of the track.

JIM_SP
Take a chance...

The shot is held. The wall in the TOP RIGHT descends through into this frame as it tilts into a vertical arrangement. It tilts into the BOTTOM RIGHT frame, and continues its revolution.
We fly off the end of the pillbox. Being a Nazi pillbox, it has a pleasing set of tapering angles at the edge. 

Our tracking shot should slow down as we leave the "track" of the slit. We take in the cliffside, and reveal a dramatic sunset behind. For a moment it merges with TOP RIGHT.

The wall continues its tilt, and through a magical computer gimmick, we've moved location to:

INT - NCP MULTISTORY WARREN UNDER ARUNDEL GATE

This is actually a shot of the roof, which has a whitewashed box-concrete design.

This dramatic shot pulls down to reveal the setting. We're using a slightly fish-eyed lens. There in the centre of shot, arm outstretched like someone in a dance video, is JOHN, in a big white coat - part lab coat, part cloak.

TOP RIGHT CUTS AWAY TO:


EXT - CLIFFTOP - EVENING

Low angle of JIM_DT backed by a dramatic sunset. For a moment it merges with TOP LEFT.

JIM_DT
Take a chance...

Pull out and tilt until all is sky.  JIM_PD bows his head. The bulb flickers and fizzles out. Black.
JOHN
Take a chance...
Pull out and tilt until all is sky. 
FADE TO BLACK.
There is a final "Take a chance", but it is only heard.  The camera tracks away from him. He holds his beckoning stance. It should be dramatically lit. There should be a cathedral quality somehow. The flickering strip-lights might help.
FADE TO BLACK.
FADE TO BLACK.

Central vertical wipe open to reveal:

INT - GODLY THRONE ROOM - DAY

Establish the view of God's throne room as seen from the door. It is a big white and light grey room that looks a bit like a negative version of the Death Star throne room in Return of the Jedi. Certainly God's throne is very like that of the Emperor's, only grey-white, and there is a big round window behind. The glass in the window is stained a different colour for each pain. Beyond is clouds.

The lower floor of the room is full of dry ice. The mezzanine on which the throne is placed is made of glass.

There are seven mushroom-like RotJ pedestals glowing with orange-lit panels.

There are twelve benched thrones on each wall. In the right group snore the following sleeping figures:

Rubens Barrichello (F1 Driver) in flameproof suit;
Simon Groom (of Blue Peter fame);
Nick Kamen, naked but for his jeans;
Geoff Capes, naked but for a kilt. His flesh is painted red;
Bernard Hill;
Ian Lavender in a US desert forces uniform;
Dani Behr in a black babydoll nighty;
Gareth "Gaz Top" Jones dressed as a miner, complete with helmet and coaldust;
John Cleese dressed as Hitler. His uniform smoulders and there is occasional light flame;
Jane Asher in an apron and covered in flour. She has some light pastries on a tray in her lap;
Philip Schofield in stereotypically gay outfit including too-small gaudy multicoloured jacket;
Goldie Hawn in a green US army uniform and tin hat.

In the left group, also sleeping:
The first chair is empty;
Andrew o'Connor dressed as a sea-fisherman, in oilskins etc;
Piers Brosnan (JAMES) in black tie;
The fourth chair is empty;
Philippa Forester;
Natalie Portman, dressed in leather;
Tom Paulin, sleeping with his fingers pressed to his nose. One finger is bloody;
The eighth chair is empty;
Matthew Paris, wearing jeans and a bowler hat;
Simon Pegg, clutching a big wobbly saw;
The eleventh seat is empty;
Janet Ellis a la JEMIMAH Orson.

Parading about in the middle of the room is a six-winged silver lion covered in eyes. The eyes blink at irregular intervals, and the eyelids are furred.

The lion stops and looks in our direction. Light glints off it, beautifully.

Reverse angle to show GABRIEL stood in the doorway flanked by two NINJAs. The dry ice is escaping through the door. He steps forwards, and the door zjungs shut. The NINJAs pull out automatic weapons.

Some last Abbarish "ba ba ba ba baas" are heard, as the track fades away.

The lion leaps forwards, towards the camera, with a roar.

It is shot down in a blaze of silver blood.

The twenty assembled councillors are roused by this gunfire.

GABRIEL marches purposefully forwards towards the throne.

Several councillors step up to arrest his progress.

The NINJAs let rip. The councillors' blood is the usual red, and the white walls of the throne room are splattered pink.
 

WIPE TO:


 Black

A yellow hat of few pixels jumps into shot from diagonal left bottom and is followed by a similar head. This is the little man from Chuckie Egg, for this is

FX - CHUCKIE EGG

Wider shot to show the full screen of this classic 8-bit platform game. It is Level 7; the one with the three ladders at the top.

Bit of establishing play, then the farmer leaps onto an unsupported egg, catches it, but falls beyond it into a goose.

CUT TO:
INT -CRAGSIDE ELECTRICS ROOM - (LIGHT-BOX...) DAY (but rather dark all the same)

We're in a small room full of terrifying brass switches and meters. There's a suitably gothic computer monitor wedged in amongst the electrical equipment. And a baroque'd up BBC Micro keyboard in the sideboard.

JIM_SD is sat at the keyboard in a nice big swivel chair. The monitor flashes up GAME OVER PLAYER 1, and JIM_SD slides back in the chair.

LEON is stood at a window to the room, peering in like a loon.

LEON
You win.

JIM_SD is loading something else. It purrs and growls like a BBC loading.

JIM_SD
Play something else?

LEON steps into the room behind JIM_SD.

LEON
Ok.

JIM_SD
Time, I think,  to get medieval on your ass.

LEON
As in Ruy Lopez, the 15th century Spanish priest who gave his name to a chess opening?

The monitor flares up with the title screen for JOUST: a mad arcade game with little knights on ostriches.

LEON
Or as in Bernie Clifton.

LEON squeezes up to the keyboard, alongside JIM_SD. He accidentally shorts something on the wall with his body and squeals. The lights flicker.

JIM_SD
Careful.

LEON
Stupid place to play this.

JIM_SD
Atmospheric.

LEON
Stupid.

The ostriches do their sexy little walks. The vultures swoop about. Cut to the monitor feed as appropriate.

We watch some gameplay.

One of the ostriches flies too close to the lava... a hand reaches out and grabs it, dragging it into the hellish depths.

FX WIPE UP TO BLACK.
INT - BATTLESHIP CORRIDOR - DAY

Gunmetal grey corridor with riveted doors and stuff. The floor is covered in dry ice cos this is Heaven.

Two NINJAs in usual angelic attire. They carry a couple of the corpses from the Throne Room scene: specifically JAMES and JEMIMAH. Both seemingly very much dead.

The NINJAs speak in Japanese, with subs.

NINJA 1
I'm getting blood all over my new pyjamas.

NINJA 2
Tell me about it. This silk is dry-clean only.

They lug the corpses into...

INT - SMALL ROOM - CONT.

A small grey room. The rest of the bodies from the Throne Room scene are already here. These are the last two.

The NINJAs dump their last delivery on top of the blooded pile and then make their exit.

We look around. We zoom in on the face of JAMES without being too conspicuous. Perhaps have his head off centre and then pan when we're close enough in.

JAMES's eye opens.

It begins to flicker and grow with a sickly green-yellow light.

JAMES contorts in agony on the pile of bodies. His body is luminescent with radiating energy. He is regenerating.

The chaos begins to die away, and as it does we reveal that JAMES is now BOND (Daniel Craig). But you probably knew that was coming.

Disestablish as appropriate, and fade to black.
 

FADE UP ON:
EXT - CLOUDS - DAY

A shot through an orange filter. Clouds drifting past.

As we pull out, we catch a few red blurs that indicate that the filter is actually in shot. For it is an orange stained pain of glass in:

...INT - GODLY THRONE ROOM - DAY

And we shift focus, just as the red splodges (blood) are mopped up by a pink-stained cloth. Further pulling reveals the hand of a lowly angel and more spots of blood, from which we may cut to a wider angle.

ANGELS, in cleaning ladies' house coats of brown and/or blue checks are industriously mopping up the mess of the earlier massacre. They have their abundant golden locks up in curlers beneath Gracie Fields / Hilda Ogden head-scarves.

After a few moments the shot reveals, at the centre, in the throne, GABRIEL. He sits with one leg cocked over the armrest, and is turning his head left to right, flexing his fingers as he looks at them.

The door zjungs open revealing SIMON, CHE_F and several powerful-looking ANGELS. The group enters informally, except CHE_F who holds a staunch military position on SIMON's right hand.

There are 16 angels in the party, each dressed in Castro-style uniforms, and each sporting some attempt at a beard. SIMON maintains his previous costume: wellies and white dress. He also, increasingly, is clutching at his housekeeper-style array of keys that hang from his waist. He uses them in lieu of a rosary.
CHE_F's demeanour is one of power and aggression. He carries a kalashnikov, and now wears fatigues and a beret. He has good stubble.

INT - BATTLESHIP CORRIDOR - DAY

From a distance we see the last of the party of 16 ANGELS leaving the corridor through a side door. Further away, as they leave our sight, a Ninja's head appears from round a very distant corner. The shot stays as it is while the Ninja enters the corridor and scurries forward towards us.

He reaches the door as it shuts in the BOTTOM LEFT.

New angle of the Ninja stood in-front of the doorway. Close enough that we can see his eyes. And if we know our eyes well enough, we might recognise the Ninja as BOND.

He looks left and right. Then scurries on with us in tow.

We watch him skulk around some more corridors.

BOND moves left through the shot.

Bleach out.

INT - WHITE TARDIS LIMBO - DAY

White nothingness.

An ominous bagpipe drone begins to fade slowly into existence. And in the extreme distance, a dark figure gradually comes into being.

The figure is walking towards us from the distance. It is JOE blowing his bagpipe, but he's not close enough for us to make him out properly yet.

By now, JOE is right upon us, and his bagpipe drone is appropriately high in the mix.

He keeps coming, and blacks out the scene with his torso.

The bagpipe drone continues beyond...

CUT TO:
EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

The place is abandoned.

Tracking shot reveals the Wedding Cake from behind one of the hangars.

A static burst and we CUT TO a b&w CCTV shot of BOND (in Ninja suit) skulking around the hangar wall.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:

EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

BOND approaching the Wedding Cake, seen from a new angle.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:

EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

BOND approaching the Wedding Cake, seen from a third angle.

He reaches the door.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:

EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

A wider angle now, showing the scene as a whole: abandoned airfield with Wedding Cake at the centre.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:

EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

Another wide angle. The Wedding Cake is turning, and dust is being ejected from its perimeter.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:

EXT - STRUBBY AIRFIELD - DUSK

A closer angle showing the spinning wall as the building rises off the ground.

A static burst and we CUT TO:

INT - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM - DAY

Heavily saturated palette by virtue of the limbo effect. JIM_DT is operating the controls of a porthole-style white Tardis. ZOE is helping him. The ship is lurching about in typical preparing to land manner.

JOE comes into the scene, playing his now thunderously loud drone.

Something blows on the controls, showering sparks. The central column is strobing a brilliant orange.

ZOE fires a '60s fire extinguisher onto a flaming section of the control panel.

The scene fills with smoke.

A static burst and we CUT TO:

INT - GRAVES ART GALLERY - DAY

Generic CCTV view of one of the galleries. People are walking around, musing over art. We can make out a number of TV installations flickering away.

A static burst and we CUT TO another view in the same building, focussing now on the one specific exhibition, which is in the room with the cafe.
A number of the artworks in the room with the TV installations are by the artist Mark Wallinger.

A static burst and we CUT TO a shot of the gallery whose principal content is a TV installation showing b&w CCTV footage of the Wedding Cake soaring up and away from the airfield at Strubby.

A static burst and we CUT TO:

Looking across the exhibition space, into an empty corner, past various works by Mark Wallinger, and, clearly visible in shot, the TV installation of the escaping Wedding Cake. Two or three punters are in our main shot, at the periphery.

And as the registry office flies out of shot on the installation, the bagpipe drone falls away, replaced by the hum of a materialising Tardis; as in the corner manifests a polished stainless steel police box.

We rest on this image for a while, if only to register that the Tardis has fully materialised and is not in its usual livery. For the arrangement of the shot is such that the reflections in the mirrored walls of the Tardis give the impression of transparency.

Needless to say, people are stood slightly agog at this fantastic installation. A bearded man, more in shot than any of the other visitors, strokes his chin in consideration and then moves on to look at another piece in the gallery. As he does so, we flare to white.
 

MIX TO:


EXT - MULTISTOREY CARPARK OFF THE MOOR - DAWN

It's overcast and we're on the roof. We 're a POV shot of the sky and then of the horizon of Sheffield.

CUT TO:
PICHOLL with binoculars, looking across towards Furnival Square.

EXT - ARUNDEL GATE, SHEFFIELD - DAWN

The Wedding Cake comes spinning uncontrollably through an overcast sky.

It spins about in a crash-dive, and then lodges itself firmly into the aperture of the roundabout at Furnival Square (pre in-fill).

Great wads of filth are ejected with the impact, and the small amount of traffic does the obligatory haywire.

Crane up.

MIX TO:
EXT - MIDDLEWOOD HOSPITAL - DAWN

Establish.

Trolley-cam along a series of run-down corridors.

The trolley stops outside cell 666. A hand reaches out. Its ultimate sleeve is a lab-coat, but beneath is a frilly cuff. In the hand is a sonic tyre-pressure gauge. It lights up blue at the end and after a beat the door flies open.

Reveal beyond, LUCY, rocking in her straight-jacket.

Reverse angle to reveal JIM_SP smiling a vacuous grin.

WIPE TO:
EXT - MATILDA WAY, SHEFFIELD - DAWN

Shot past a garage door covered in runic graffiti (right), towards the exit to the multistorey (left).

A Citroën 2CV exits the car-park, and heads towards us. It contains PICHOLL.

We ride with PICHOLL, paying little heed to local traffic systems.

WIPE TO:
EXT - FURNIVAL SQUARE - MORNING

The crashlanded Wedding Cake is still lodged in its hole.

From the left side, climbing up from an aperture made by the entrance to the Wedding Cake is BOND. He scrambles out onto the traffic island, wearing a wedding suit covered in concrete dust.

BOND straightens himself up and dusts himself off.

He looks about the place.

Straightening his cufflinks, BOND casually picks his way right through the traffic chaos he's caused.

FADE / MIX:
INT - TARDIS LIMBO - DAY

The limbo set is full of smoke. This is noticeable only in as much as it obscures the cast as they appear.

JIM_DT wafts his way through, spluttering. He hits an unseen wall.
 

CUT TO:
INT - GRAVES ART GALLERY - DAY

ZOE and JOE exit the Tardis, coughing through the haze.
 

MIX:


EXT - MOORHEAD, SHEFFIELD - MORNING

PICHOLL in his 2CV, waiting at the pedestrian crossing parallel to Furnival Square.

Across the crossing walks BOND. PICHOLL thinks he recognises him.
He leans over to pick up Caroline's file from the passenger seat, and in so doing leans against the horn: PEEP.

BOND turns and looks; sees PICHOLL as he sits up again. Eye contact.

Another pap of a different horn. The lights have changed.

PICHOLL's car pulls away and bares left up past Debenhams. This is the direction BOND is heading.

Being in a car, PICHOLL passes BOND, rubber-necking him as he does so.

He turns left at the top of the hill and falls out of view.

BOND scurries across the pedestrian crossing to the front of Debenhams.

He looks down the hill and we establish the view to the Manpower ziggurat.

MIX TO:
EXT - ATKINSONS CAR PARK - MORNING

PICHOLL's 2CV pulls off Charter Row and up the ramp to the car park.
As he drives, he flicks through the (undisclosed) pages of Caroline's folder.

PICHOLL spots something in the folder. Rather than parking up, he turns around the car.

PICHOLL zooms off down the ramp.

FADE OUT.
EXT - HUMBER BRIDGE - MORNING

Establish.

It is a quiet morning, with the early sun glowing through yellowish clouds. The traffic is slight and calm.

We crane across the scene.

TARDIS materialistation noises in the mix, as a white K6 phonebox materialises in one of the lanes of traffic.

Cars are forced to swerve past the impromptu kiosk.

The door opens and LUCY stumbles out, looking very cold in a red tabard mini-dress of the usual spiritual design. Her hair and make-up has been expertly done, but her face seems vacant. JIM_SP squeezes out behind her, pushing her forwards into the road.

He takes off his cape and wraps it around LUCY. He fixes his Robin Hood hat, and then marches LUCY forwards up the road towards the Kingston side.

EXT - MOORFOOT - MORNING

Establish, crane-shot, around the sculpture at Moorfoot, with Manpower in the background.

It is beginning to rain.

One of the tiled walls of the Manpower block begins to lower into the floor.

As it does so, it slowly reveals a racing green Aston Martin Vanquish.

The wall is fully dropped, and the indicators of the car flash.

BOND walks casually into shot and towards the driver's side.

INT - PICHOLL'S 2CV - MORNING

PICHOLL's parked up outside Atkinsons on Fitzwilliam Gate, looking towards Moorfoot. His wipers are on as the rain gains strength.

PICHOLL takes a swig from a bottle of Jack Daniels as he watches BOND walking across Moorfoot.

PICHOLL turns the ignition.

BOND's Aston can be seen pulling onto the street. PICHOLL enters a discrete pursuit.

There now follows a CHASE SEQUENCE:

BOND crosses Eyre Street and on to Jessop Street.
PICHOLL in pursuit.

On to Sylvester Street.

Sidney Street. It is now raining quite hard.

On to Brown Street.

BOND slices nicely onto Brown Street, passing the Rutland Arms.

As PICHOLL pursues, he narrowly misses a collision with a black car.

Fortunately, the black car brakes in time to avoid the collision with PICHOLL who zaps off in pursuit up Brown Street.

BOND heads up Paternoster Row, past the Showroom Cinema which is advertising the cinematic release of ANSX.

The temporary traffic lights set up for the elaborate roadworks at Sheaf Square change to red, and Bond is forced to stop.

This allows PICHOLL and the black car to catch up, and all three are sat in a row. We hear the eek eek of windscreen wipers.

Amber.

Bond gets ready to go.
Green. He whizzes off round the roundabout...

BOND and hence PICHOLL head up Pond Street. The black car carries on to Sheaf Street and off our radar.

BOND is taking us down the canyon between the bus station and the city campus of Sheffield Hallam.

BOND pulls into the NCP multi-storey opposite the bus station.

Here begins the Epic aspect of our chase.

So this is the route, edited to milk the sequence for as much excitement as is humanly bearable (We'll use that action music from Thunderball or OHMSS or whichever it was... the dum de dee, der-der-der dum de deeee business):

Up the car park, which is the same car park we were in at the end of Take a Chance; plenty of dizziness-inducing rises to new levels; the occasional near miss of other traffic and pedestrians.

Out the top, and onto Arundel (again), past the Odeon on our left and the Lyceum on our right. Arundel is still lightly chaotic following its encounter with a spaceship, but that makes it all the more weave-inducing. Not least because our cars cross into oncoming traffic and then dip into the Novotel's underground carpark. Note that the THX is digitally replaced to our left.

Once in the Novotel carpark, we weave around pillars, and finally come up for air along a ramp and into Tudor Square. The ramp is now infilled, but we bagged sufficient shots to do it in a computer.

Through Tudor Square, displacing huge crowds (again) and knocking over cafe tables. Along Tudor Way; all the time the 2CV is just managing to keep up.

Left onto Norfolk Street. BOND puts his foot down as he heads straight for a large stainless steel bollard with red lights blinking at the top of it. Green neon flashes at the bottom of his Aston. As the car approaches the flyover between the two town hall buildings, sparks fly and the Aston disappears. PICHOLL's 2CV skids to a halt, scraping against the curb and nearly tottering over.

PICHOLL pulls himself out of his 2CV, and looks about. He kicks the shimmering bollard, which hurts him. The red lights twinkle against his leg.

FADE OUT.
INT - THE OWL ROOMS, CRAGSIDE - DAY

JIM_AH in a semi-gothic control room, decorated with wooden owls. The roof is curiously angular, with wallpapered square panels arranged on a bue-grey grid. The windows are stained and light-boxed.

A door opens. Beyond is white limbo.
Through it hobbles LUCY, led by JIM_SP. Both look a little windswept.

LUCY is looking less wild than she was. She sits herself on a bed beside JIM_AH.

JIM_AH gently turns her face towards his, with his hand, and stares into her eyes. He rest his forehead against hers.

A single teardrop rolls down LUCY's cheek.

Shot of JIM_SP looking down at his feet.

MIX TO:
INT - SHEFFIELD LIBRARY STAIRS - DAY

Crane shot. JIM_DT, ZOE and JOE going down the stairs.

JIM_DT, ZOE and JOE pass PICHOLL (coming the other way) by the door to the main first floor collection.

They carry on downstairs.

A moment later, PICHOLL stops and turns to look behind him. His expression is puzzled.

Cut to him moving over to the balcony and looking down into the lobby.

JIM_DT etc walking across the lobby to the door.

MIX TO:
EXT - SURREY STREET - DAY

Establish the library.

JIM_DT, ZOE and JOE exit. SAM (Kit Hesketh-Harvey) stands there, cold, in an orange bib, trying to sell Big Issues. JIM_DT buys one.

That transaction concluded, the trio head left. We follow.

As they leave the confines of the initial frame, PICHOLL exits the library. He too buys a Big Issue, while keeping an eye on the trio. But he only has a £10 note.

Shot along Surrey Street from the Fargate end.

In the distance, SAM is struggling to find the right change for PICHOLL.

JIM_DT is distracted by something to his left.

POV of PICHOLL as JIM_DT heads over to the silver bollard.

PICHOLL needs change from SAM, but decides not to wait for it. He dashes off up the street.

Between Tudor Square and the Winter Gardens, he drops his Big Issue. He considers picking it up again but decides against it.

JIM_DT is crouched by the bollard, examining it... touching it. He's looking about the area.

POV shot of the Peace Gardens. In the side of one of the waterfalls is a louvered door.

JIM_DT gets up.

PICHOLL observing this while pretending to casually walk along the street.

JIM_DT walking over to the doorway. His colleagues follow.

FADE TO BLACK

 
FADE UP ON:
INT - PEACE GARDENS - DAY

Light spills through the louvers of a door and into a darkened room. The shape of a man may be discernible beyond the door.

The door opens away from us, spilling in light. Beyond the door we see JIM_DT clutching his sonic nosehair clippers. And beyond him ZOE and JOE.

JIM_DT wields his clippers as a torch, dazzling us with blue light, as he steps into what is an industrial looking roomlet at the top of a flight of stairs.

JIM_DT leads the way tentatively down the stairs.

As they get lower, more light begins to spill up the stairs from whatever is at the bottom.

The lighting is slightly orangey.

Reveal a huge chamber. The walls are tiled with off-white rectangles; the cracks between them glowing with orange light. Victorian pipework crawls about all over the place. And in the centre of the room, directly beneath where the bollard is, a huge and twisting helix of a wood-slatted column. From between the slats comes a sickly green-yellow glow, but most of the gaps have been pitched over with black tar or a thick red paint.
The roof is of reinforced concrete, and at the top of the column is the unmistakable polygon of a TARDIS control panel, surrounded by a cross-plate gangway and rail. A green-painted iron ladder with catch-cradle leads up to the gangway from the base of the chamber.
Around the walls are metal units and the room has a garage feel, heightened by the presence of a racing green Aston Martin Vantage in a smaller chamber to the right of shot.

JIM_DT and his helpers peer about.

From behind the console, on the gangway, appears BOND, a little oily, and clutching a rag and a sonic spanner.

BOND
Ah, Doctor Barrett,
I'd been expecting you.

Over this is the ominous "da da da der" of the Late Night Poker buffer stab.

MIX TO:
INT - GILNOCKIE OBSERVATORY - SET

Moderately cosy, tall square room, with a large, frosted, glass dome roof, and a large stained-glass window (light-boxed). Despite the windows, the lighting should be skilfully subdued; the overhead dome provides moody table light, for there at the centre of the room is a decagonal, wood-framed, green-baized table, with a peripheral glass counter. One apex of the decagon is levelled off, so creating eight conventional sides and a ninth longer side. There are nine comfortable seats around the table, and each counter has a frosted frame to hold two playing-cards, except the wider ninth side which is fully baized.

The room is just big enough to allow us some occasional crane-based trackery. The walls are of dark wood, and are livened up by dark red velvet curtains. The floor is black and white zig-zags, a la Lynch.

We crane a bit as:

JESSE (...MAY)
(voice-over throughout; ad lib)
Hi, and welcome to the Gilnockie Tower for another evening of Late Night Baccara.
I'm Jesse May, and with me in the commentary position tonight is one of the
greatest names in modern cards: three times World Snap Champion,
holder of the Ratners Bracelet, and member of the erstwhile Heslington Mob,
it's Leon Protznedvic.

LEON
(ditto)
Hi, Jesse. Looking forward to some great play this evening.

JESSE
Indeed. Eight players, all waiting to make it through the gates of Hell.
So without further ado, let's meet them.

Adjoining this set is a long gallery based on that a Cragside. But there's no art, just architecture. This corridor is behind the long side of the table. We will be shooting from this side for the most part. In most cases, unless otherwise made clear, this corridor will be obscured by red velvet curtains. But now, the curtains pull open of their own accord, to reveal, at the far end of the white-lit hallway:

JIM_SD, wearing full snooker outfit. He walks steadily towards our room.

LEON
In seat eight tonight is this evening's host,
Doctor James Barrett from Gallifrey in North London.
A keen ammateur cardist, Barrett has already
won a number of minor local tournaments.

BOND, wearing his tuxedo.

JESSE
Commander James Bond is a diplomat
and sexual gymnast. He's played mainly in
l' Casino Ceil de Croissant, where he has
broken the bank on several occasions.
The uncle of Doctor Barrett,
he's tonight's seat seven.

JIM_SP is dressed as a championship-winning Alex Higgins.

LEON
Seat six is taken by a legend of the
cribbage board, Doctor James Barrett
of North London. Well versed in all things
fiche, he's sure to trouble the table tonight.

LUCY appears, wearing a red satin dress with a rucked neckline and low back. She has a well-fitted Veronica Lake wig, and a black shawl. Also a decent amount of jewellery.

JESSE
Taking seat five this evening is the gorgeous
Mistress of the Abaddonal domain,
Lucifer Sarah Michelle Gellar. By her
own confession she's far from an accomplished
player of the four suit pack, but her talents
with the Tarot deck are well documented.

INANNA now, wearing her established black outfit and accessories.

LEON
A late entrant, here in seat three:
The Goddess Inanna, corona of Utu,
tender to the trinity, and
milkmaid of the heavens.
She seeks a path to Hell to attend
the funeral of the sacred cowgod: Bessy.

JIM_AH wearing a tweedy suit and geography-teacher's tie, plus lightly tinted glasses.

JESSE
Another noted player of the game,
North London's Doctor James Barrett.
Barrett's true speciality is Bridge,
where he's taken many a hand from
a young lady. He's in seat four.

ALEX in a casual black suit, with long thin black tie, and usual mirrored glasses.

LEON
Here's a familiar face:
Alex "Flame of Life and Defender of Man" Jefferson.
Like Lucifer, Alex's usual discipline is the Tarot,
and he'll be hoping to draw on his experience there
from his position in seat two.

JIM_DT is still dressed like a tramp.

JESSE
Finally, in seat one,
it's Doctor James Barrett of North London.
A notorious gambler, Barrett has been barred from
most of the casinos south of Prestwick.

Shot of the eight players in their seats.

Each player has a print-newspaper full of chips.

JIM_DT has a conker as a card-guard, and drinks from a brown paper bag. His paper is the Daily Sport.
ALEX is drinking rum. His paper is the Sun.
JIM_AH is drinking whisky. His paper is the Times.
INANNA has a black and white layered cocktail. Her paper is the Daily Mirror.
LUCY is smoking a cigarette with a long holder. She is drinking blood from a spirit vial. Her paper is the Sheffield Star.
JIM_SP is smoking, with a shorter holder. He is drinking brandy. His paper is the Manchester Guardian.
BOND is smoking silk cut, and drinking from a bottle of Johnny Walker. His paper is the Telegraph.
JIM_SD is drinking cider. His paper is the Independent.

JESSE
Our tournament director is Thomas Kremser,
and dealing the cards tonight, as ever, it's the lovely Marina.

Shot of THOMAS and MARINA (Kremser); her sat, him stood, by the dealing position on the long side of the table. Aqua-Marina plays over for a measure.

THOMAS
Are we set?

Murmurs of agreement.

JIM_DT
Then let's play Baccara!

MARINA cuts a pack of cards to reveal a credit-card CD, which she then feeds into a small slot at the very centre of the table. The glint of the CD should make the artefact understandable to even those who've never seen such a novel shape of CD before. On the CD, in black marker, is written "Baccara". Once inserted, we hear the click and whirr of an engaging CD player. Then: Music.

Subdued disco-funk blungs from some Rhodesian machinery. Then a flurry of strings introduces some breathy umming vocals. Everyone at the table is liking what they hear.

CD
Oh-oh... oh-oh-oh...
Woh-oh-oh, oh... oh.

The beat kicks in. The stained-glass light box window proves to be disco-ready, and the dome is in fact capable of simulating a giant glitterball.

CD
Oh... oh-woh-oh...
Oh-oh-oh, oh... oh.

And then the curtains to the corridor whip open to reveal, at the near end of a disco-ed up catwalk, the lovely Spanish female duo: BACCARA. One wears a black outfit. The other wears white. One or the other of them, and occasionally both, sing.

BACCARA
Mister, your eyes are full of hesitation;
Sure makes me wonder if you know what you're looking for.

They enter the room and make their way around the players, like pros. Meanwhile, the players move cards about the place.
ALEX always seems to have spades in his hand.

After every move, the player in question removes an accessory or item of clothing.

BACCARA
Baby, I want to keep my reputation;
I'm a sensation: you try me once, you'll beg for more.

Ohh...
Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...

JIM_SP
(spoken)
Take your clothes off or you won't feel the benefit.

BACCARA
No sir, I don't feel very much like talking;
No, neither walking; you wanna know if I can dance?

JIM_SP pulls out a black-glazed monocle, cleans it and puts it on.

Yes sir, already told you in the first verse,
And in the chorus,
But I will give you one more chance...

One of BACCARA takes JIM_SP's monocle away.

Ahh...
Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...

Towards the end of that, on an odd beat in the music, BOND sustains a heart attack. Fortunately, he regenerates during the following:

Mmm. Mmm-mm-mm,
Oh-oh-oh... oh... ooh...

BOND has regenerated into NIGEL (Nigel Bond). He still wears what remains of his snooker-friendly wedding costume.

Meanwhile, LUCY and INANNA, in fierce competition, have developed an obvious dislike for each other.

Yes sir, I can boogie,
But I need a certain song;
I can boogie, boogie boogie
All night long...
Yes sir, I can boogie;
(I can boogie)
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie,
(I can boogie)
boogie boogie
(boogie boogie)
All night long...

The curtains part again and the duo leave along the corridor, still singing.

Yes sir, I can boogie;
(I can boogie)
If you stay you can't go wrong;
I can boogie,
(I can boogie)
boogie boogie
(boogie boogie)
All night long...

The curtains close again.

By now all eight players are completely naked.

The CD ejects into the air and is caught by MARINA.

The Late Night Poker stab sounds again and we...

BLACK OUT.


 EXT - PARK SQUARE - APOCALYPSE

The blue door beneath the bridge opens, and GALENA pops her head through.

The bridge above collapses in front of her and she shuts the door.

INT - GALENA'S TARDIS

GALENA wipes her brow with the sleeve of her jumper.
She checks her watch and seems to have missed a time.

GALENA
Hell.

She goes over to the console, picks up a bottle of red wine and takes a swig.

She prods dispassionately at the console.

Has another swig, turning away from the desk.

With her back to it, she quietly kicks the side of the desk with her heel.

The Tardis fires up and starts zjrunging.

She checks her watch again.

GALENA
We're off, Jason!

She sits cross-legged at the base of the desk, locking the bottle between her thighs after another swig.

MIX to white, then back, a couple of times, vibrating the camera.

WHITE OUT.

CUT TO:


EXT - SURREY STREET - AFTERNOON

The metal bollard with the red lights is moving up and down while rubble falls from the Town Hall above it. The familiar sound of a Tardis in action is increasingly audible.

INT - PEACE GARDEN CRYPT - AFTERNOON

Dust and debris is falling onto the Aston Martin. Water is gushing from pipework.

This closer angle of the garage recess reveals JIM_SD's police box along the back wall. The door of which opens.

JIM_SD, LEON, JIM_DT, NIGEL and JIM_AH appear first, with JIM_SP, ALEX, INANNA, ZOE, JOE and LUCY bringing up the rear.

JIM_SD is dressed as a baggy sort of clown, with red wig, red nose and big glasses.
LEON is in his EDS postal uniform (and his glasses).
JIM_DT is dressed in ermine and wears a crown.
NIGEL is in an Elvis jumpsuit.
JIM_AH wears Rocky Horror basque, suspenders et al.
JIM_SP wears an '80s jumper-dress and belt, heeled pixy-boots, black tights and is carrying a big, floppy handbag.
ALEX is in a fancy-dress penguin costume, plus usual mirrored glasses.
INANNA wears an Amazon lepoard-dress and carries a spear. She still has on her star pendant.
ZOE wears that dominatrix outfit Dianna Rigg had in that episode of the Avengers.
JOE wears his usual outfit but with an orangier tartan.
LUCY wears a red all-in-one leotard, with a pointy tail and horns. She carries a trident.

The party are clearly concerned that the grotto is breaking up.

A large chunk of roof falls and impales the Aston. A small amount of light beams in from above.

JIM_SD, pulling off his orange wig and red nose, is the first to step into the main chamber, which is vibrating something chronic. The sounds of a sick Tardis continue. The column is breaking up; timber is falling to the floor leaving holes through which brilliant sickly green light spews.

There at the top, prodding ineffectually at the control panel, trying to shut it down, is PICHOLL.

JIM_SD
Who the fuck are you?

PICHOLL
I can't make it stop! Make it stop!

JIM_SD climbing up the ladder.

NIGEL
That's Picholl.
He's a local private eye,
Hired to find the pair of you.

He talks of JIM_SD and LEON.

NIGEL
Among others.

ZOE
What is that, anyway? It looks like a Tardis.

LUCY
That's Hell.

JOE
Hell?

NIGEL
It's all one big Tardis.

JIM_AH
That's how it's able to cater to your desires.

ALEX
Not been doing too well at that lately.

JOE
But if Hell is a Tardis...

LEON
Is that safe to move with the Stargate as it is?

JIM_SP
What do you think?

JIM_SD pushes PICHOLL out of the way and starts prodding at the controls.

PICHOLL
(quietly)
Why are you dressed as a clown?

LEON
Are we all going to die again?

JIM_SD
It's not responding.
And there's a terrible smell of dead pheasant.

An unpleasant creaking noise and the gantry lurches violently.

Angelic NINJAs burst into the room as the roof collapses en masse.

LUCY picks up the receiver of a black bakelite telephone hung on the wall. Shakes her head at its deadness. Drops the receiver which clatters against the tiles.

NINJAs surround the party. ALEX holds out his left arm to cast a shadow against the floor. Looks down at the floor, pensively.

CUT TO:
JIM_SD's POV. He is up on the gantry, clinging on and checking out the NINJAs. He cannot see SIDDOR from where he is.

The NINJAs are sweeping down and closing in on our party.

JIM_SD looks down at LUCY as she starts talking, occasionally casting glances at the NINJAs and PICHOLL. His view of LUCY is obscured by the set.

LUCY
(to NINJAs)
By the power vested in me as Supreme Mistress of this domain,
I command you to withdraw or be destroyed.

JIM_SD looks at PICHOLL who is crouched under the console overhang, clutching a handle.

Watching the uppy-downy bit going up and down in a fairly sorry fashion.

INANNA
(oos)
I think you'll find your command has lapsed, darling.

A NINJA leaps onto the gantry, which lurches worryingly.

The NINJA cartwheels towards us. JIM_SD sticks out a leg and trips the NINJA off balance and over the edge.

JIM_SD tries to look after the falling NINJA but can't see over the edge.

So more looking at the sick looking console and the fearful looking PICHOLL.

LUCY squeals a piercing scream, out of shot.

The tiles on the walls all shatter.

SIDDOR's hands come into view at the top of the ladder.

SIDDOR's head appears.

SIDDOR
Retract the column.

SIDDOR clambers up.

JIM_SD decides to make a move to the console, and presses something.

SIDDOR pulls himself erect. Points to his right.

JIM_SD turns to see INANNA flying up; arms splay as the trident impales out through her chest.

Red blood pours down her front.

SIDDOR approaches the console.

He opens his wooden box.

An orange/purple glow emanates.

INANNA collapses onto the railing, which itself collapses under the impact. The gantry swings and lurches again.

SIDDOR, with a deft flick of his box, as the ground falls away beneath him, tosses the Crystal of Enderon from his box, up onto the top of the uppy-downy bollard assembly.

The crystal rolls around, teetering on the brink of rolling off, but settles into the centre of the retracted bollard.

The centre of the bollard then retracts, taking the crystal with it.

SIDDOR has slipped off the gantry and is clinging to its edge. As is JIM_SD himself.

The TARDIS is suddenly sounding much fitter.

The bolts holding the gantry are giving way. As are SIDDOR and JIM_SD's fingers.

CUT TO:
A standard shot of the scene:

SIDDOR and JIM_SD dangling from the broken gantry.

Beneath them, around the top of the column, materialises a giant doughnut.

SIDDOR and JIM_SD rest their feet.

The gantry breaks away.

PICHOLL swings down from the desk, and joins JIM_SD and SIDDOR on the doughnut.

The gantry falls to the ground, taking out a couple of unlucky NINJAs.

A portion of the doughnut zips open, and out appears GALENA.

She ducks back in and is replaced by JASON.

JASON is wielding a laser-sighted rifle.

He picks off the remaining NINJAs, to the relief of the bruised and knackered party below.

LEON emerges from one of the cupboards, and dusts himself off.

And then, with the zjunging of the Tardis at a crescendo, the lattice woodwork of the core bursts apart, sending wood flying across the room.

LEON leaps out of the way as we bleach out.

FX:

By way of a special effect, a latticework unravels across the screen as a single flexible mesh to create a large board of elongated white rhombi on a black background. Ultimately, after a handful of pleasing transformations, it looks like this:

The above arrangement tilts away as a single structure. This is the Vortex. It is made of shimmering white starlight energy.

At each side materialises a large anchor of matter: on the left, a mock-up of the no-smoking side of the Cask & Cutler PH... a sort of old woman's sitting room thing with a fireplace. On the right, the zjunging Tardis console with the Crystal of Enderon rising up and down.

INT - SITTING ROOM / VORTEX

GALENA, JASON, JIM_SD, SIDDOR, PICHOLL, LEON, ALEX, JIM_SP, NIGEL, JIM_DT, JOE, ZOE and LUCY materialise.

They look around, confused.

To their left, in a large pot, is a pineapple tree. ALAN enters from the right, rubbing his hands.

The pineapple vibrates. It is PERCY:

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

LEON and ALEX exchange glances.

ALAN walks up to PERCY, and puts an affectionate arm around her pot.

ALAN
Percy says Hi.

ANT enters from stage left.

ANT
And you're just in time for the revolution.

LEON discretely checks his watch-face that he keeps in his pocket. He then looks sternly at GALENA who goes all sheepish.

ALEX
This would be an MI7 thing then, would it?

ANT
Partly.

NIGEL
In conjunction with the Pantheon Tosh and the Heaven 17, no doubt.

ALAN
They've both played their parts.
As have we all.

JIM_DT
What's all this about, exactly?

PERCY
Gronda gronda!

ANT
It's about a reappraisal of the dead order.

ALAN
And following the sad and untimely deaths of
Bhuvana, God and Stew, it falls to us to convey
the imperial title upon Empress Percy.

ANT places a quality glass halo over PERCY. The halo hovers in place. And PERCY gives a satisfied

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ANT and ALEX bow before their Empress.

ALEX
Ok. Now what?

PERCY
Gronda gronda!

ANT
Now, by rights, you are cast into the Vortex,
and hence into eternal pain.

LEON
Thank god for that.

ALAN
However, Her Merciful and
Magnanimous Empressness
offers you all a sporting chance.
Beyond the Vortex is the Hell Tardis.
Cross the abyss and you will be free to spend
the remains of your days in the New Afterlife.

ANT
But for every step you take across the grid,
the Empress and Alan will move the invisible Vortex against you.

ALAN
Step on the same node, and...

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ALAN
Gronda gronda.

LEON
Fucking hell.
All this and it comes down to
fucking hopscotch.

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ANT
Her Magnificence demands the clone go first.

LEON
Does she mean me?
Ok.

He whistles some Shostakovich and casually steps onto one of the first three nodes.

We see the Vortex as some colourful 8-bit graphics, flashing away in Mode 5 at the opposite end of the grid. ALAN crouches over a control panel in front of PERCY, and confers conspiratorially.

LEON picks his way across the Vortex.

He eventually makes it across.

LEON
That was fun.

He touches the control panel and dematerialsies.

LEON
Ooh...

ALEX now steps onto the grid.

He too makes it across.

He touches base and dematerialises.

Next it's JIM_SD.

He has a near miss.

But he comes through and dematerialises.

INT - PRISON CELL - NIGHT

JIM_SD materialises in the cells in Sheffield. They seem in a bit of a state. TOMY, in the next cell, grins at JIM_SD. Then TOMY eats a spider he's got in his hand.

JIM_SD checks the cell door. It is locked. He slumps to the floor.

SET - VORTEX

PICHOLL now. Very confident after what he has seen.

PICHOLL steps onto the Vortex and is blasted into atoms.

Next up is a tentative JIM_DT.

Making it across, JIM_DT offers words of encouragement to ZOE who goes next.

ZOE makes it, to the disappointment of ANT and ALEX.

JOE next.

JOE gets vapourised. JIM_DT holds ZOE. They move to the console and dematerialise.

POV from JIM_AH. He looks about and sees it's his turn to cross the Vortex. He looks back at LUCY and then steps out.

As this is a POV we cannot see the Vortex sprite.

JIM_AH takes his steps deliberately.

He looks back at LUCY.

He moves onto the next node.

Our view whites out, then reds out, then the deep-red field fragments into a multitude of dots of red on a black field.

Slowly, the red dots turn green, and begin to expand within their black frames.

The screen is now just a pulsating field of differing shades of dark green.

Little pulses of red light whip in from the edges.

Sparkles of electricity flash across the screen.

Gradually we mix in a POV shot of a huge square lump of flesh from which emerge the heads of ANT and ALEX, and the uppermost fronds of PERCY.

JIM_PD
Can someone with some
medical knowledge
please remove this huge
tumour from my belly-button?

We have JIM_PD's POV... the lump of flesh is attached by an umbilical cord to JIM_PD's belly.

JIM_PD looks across to the remaining party:

GALENA, JASON, SIDDOR and NIGEL.

GALENA steps forwards, producing her sonic toothbrush.

She holds it against the umbilical cord which, after a beat or two, pops with a pleasant spatter of blood.

JIM_PD
(relieved)
Ah...

He looks about.

JIM_PD
We lost Lucy, did we?

NIGEL
Fraid so.

JASON
Now what happens?

A view of the block of flesh with ANT, ALAN and PERCY lodged immobile inside.

A view of the Vortex.

A view of the party.

WHITE OUT & MIX:
EXT - CROISSANT - OVERCAST

POV from ALEX.

He looks along the side of the WEDDING CAKE which has crashlanded into the moorland. Beyond are the ruins and dead sheep of the city.

Pan scan of the scene, right.

ATOO enters from the right.

The silver Tardis then materialises with a zjungy zjungy noise, to the left of shot, in ATOO's line of approach.

ATOO drives into the side of the Tardis, whirrs and chirps as the robot rebounds.

The Tardis door opens and out step JIM_DT and ZOE. They are still in fancy dress. But they're carrying futuristic laser weaponry; two guns apiece.

JIM_DT throws a gun to ALEX who catches. ZOE throws a gun to OMRA who we see through pan right. OMRA clicks his gun.

JIM_DT
We ready?

Camera nods.

OMRA picks up ATOO and we enter the Tardis.

INT - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

JIM_DT bashes a few things. ALEX looks about the place. ZOE is clearly upset / angry. OMRA is looking a little out of his league. He pops ATOO down in a corner.

The Tardis starts zjunging and rocking about, and ATOO falls over and rolls about the room.

The Tardis comes to a gradual halt after the usual array of ad-libbed chaos and confusion.

The crew begin to exit.

INT - THRONE ROOM, HEAVEN - DAY

ALEX's POV as he steps out of the Tardis:

The large round window. Arranged uniformly around the window, nailed to its frame, are the arms, legs and wings of GABRIEL. GABRIEL's head and torso hang from a steel rope, in half-sillhoette in front of the window. Gold blood drips from the severed joints.

CHE_F steps forwards, brandishing a kalashnikov. He's covered in gold paint from head to foot. Feathers are lodged in the paint at random intervals.

He falls on one knee before us.

ALEX puts out a hand to CHE_F's head.

CHE_F steps backwards and we enter the room properly.

We look about. Bits of angel and a sea of angelblood. The second bloody coup in this room in as many days.

ALEX pulls off his cowled habit.

He drapes the habit over the throne and turns to OMRA.

OMRA sits in the throne.

JIM_DT hands his crown to ALEX, who places it on OMRA's head.

WHITE OUT & MIX:
EXT - GENERAL CEMETERY, SUNSET

Torches light the sides of Cemetery Avenue, as a parade of people in black march slowly forwards towards the arched gatehouse. The parade is made up of ANS cast past and present, augmented by The Bill cast past and present and certain guests we see fit to include.

An extended arrangement of the opening to The Chiffons' "Sweet Talking Guy".

As the bass stabs hit, we reach the gatehouse.
JOHN stands at the gate, in Victorian Undertaker's garb with tailed Top Hat. He bows and sweeps his introduction as we pass by him into the Cemetery.
Within the walls, a carnival atmosphere with clowns, jugglers and fire-eaters parading about at the peripheries of shot.

JOHN
Sweet talking guy
Talking sweet kinda lies;

As he sings, we get various shots about our current position, revealing, for instance, that our initial POV was from a rank of the parade containing STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB and BABYSHAM.
STEW wears a black dress of the usual godly cut, with a big black overcoat and the usual para-boots. He is holding back tears.
ALEX wears his Hawaiian garb from Ep.6, with a big black coat and the usual sunglasses.
JIM_CB wears a big black coat over his clown suit.
BABYSHAM is still charred.

The four of them sing backing "Oohs".

JOHN
Don't you believe in him;
If you do, he'll make you cry:
He'll send you flowers,

NIGEL appears from somewhere in the throng, wearing his snooker suit.

JOHN & NIGEL
And paint the town with another girl.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

Slowly but surely, JOHN is leading the procession up the hill, up some steps and through an Egyptian archway in the wall. We see and interact with many of the cast, ad lib. We do not see STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB or BABYSHAM coming through this arch.

JOHN
Sweeter than sugar,

JUNE & GINA
(in glamourous black dresses)
Ooh.

JOHN
Kisses like wine,

GALENA & JASON
(likewise)
Oh, he's so fine!

JOHN
Don't let him under your skin,
Cos you'll never win.

ANT & ALAN
(in black and white vertical-striped prison uniforms)
No, you'll never win.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

MARY appears wearing black robes and a lace veil.

MARY & JOHN
Tomorrow he's on his way.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

MADONNA wears similar robes and veil.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

We're now through the wall and into the upper section of the cemetery. Most of the assembled cast are through the archway and massed, clutching flaming torches and facing upwards. Somewhere about are two large black coffins under The Bill cast PALL BEARERS.

PARADE
Why do I love him like I do?

We now embark on a double-length version of the instrumental, to give us more time to play with.

Up on the hill to the right, though never really dwelt on, is a tall, pepper-pottish pagoda consisting of a dome on a number of pillars. At the bottom of the dome runs a legend: BLESSED ARE THE GEESE FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. The legend glows like mild neon, and the whole assembly is rotating at a modest pace.
The parade is approaching a temple at the heart of the cemetery. Behind a row of pillars is an Egyptian doorway, bricked up. At its centre is a plate-metal plug with two handles. Over the door is a frieze. We do not yet dwell on any of this.
From the temple runs a broad flight of stone stairs down the bank of the hill.

Flanking the stairs, all the way down, are female cast-members of The Bill. They wear black heels, black translucent tights, and spangly leotard tops designed after Juliet Bravo WPC uniforms. They have big hair with WPC hats wedged in, and have the checked neckties. They have white horse-hair plumes sticking out from their arses, and carry large black or white (alternately) feather fans. Very Busby Berkley.

At the bottom, STAMP and QUINNAN, wearing police Horse Guards uniform. They stand barring the stairs with crossed pikes. They open the pikes and step sideways, clearing the way for an ascending party of STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, and BABYSHAM.

POLICE WOMEN
Ooh, Ooh-ooh.

LOWER LEFT FLANK
He's a sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

POLICEWOMEN
...guy!

JOHN greets the ascending party outside the temple. As he does so, the rest of the cast, dressed as the cast of Oliver! enter from the flanks. It is now snowing. They do actions.

PARADE
Stay away from him, stay away from him, don't believe his lyin'...

POLICEWOMEN
Stay away from him,

JOHN grips the handles of the metal plug in the doorway to the temple.

POLICEWOMEN
No, no, no, you'll never win.

PARADE
You know you'll never win, no you'll never win, you'll just end up cryin'...

He turns the handles and, with all of his strength, removes the plate.

POLICEWOMEN
Ooh...

A blinding white light spews out from the square hole.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

The PALL BEARERS manoeuvre the first coffin and begin to push it through the white limbo aperture.

OMRA, INANNA & UTU
Tomorrow he's on his way...

CUT TO:
A shot of this as seen from the bottom of the stairs: JOHN at the top, with the light coming from the temple, the PARADE flanking him on both sides at the top of the stairs, the POLICEWOMEN down the sides of the stairs, and STAMP and QUINNAN stood at the base of the stairs, on each side, looking down at their feet. The PALL BEARERS finish the first coffin and begin to insert the second during the following sequence.

JOHN runs down the first few steps towards us.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin'...

The UPPER LEFT FLANK of POLICEWOMEN swing out into the centre of the stairs, holding their fans against JOHN.

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

The camera begins to crane up. The performers continue to face the camera as it rises.

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
(ditto)
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

From between the flanks, hidden from view until now, appear, on the left side, JIM_CB (above) and BABYSHAM (below). They make jazz hands.

JIM_CB & BABYSHAM
Sweet talkin'...

STEW (above) and ALEX (below) do the same on the right.

STEW & ALEX
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP and QUINNAN pirouette across each other, locking their pikes across as they roll past.
As they do so, the PALL BEARERS, having inserted their coffins, pirouette to their respective sides of the top of the stairs, with a beautiful grace.

PALL BEARERS, STAMP & QUINNAN
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP & QUINNAN finish their rotations so that they stand the opposite way around at the base of the steps, pikes crossed.
We've craned up to a high angle of the scene, wide enough to fit the entire parade into shot. All are looking up at us.

ALL
...Guy!!!

As they sing, the bricks in the doorway to the temple explode out across the scene. They disintegrate as they pass over the crowd so as not to cause injury.

CUT TO:


JOHN stands at the door to the temple, on the right. He is ushering the procession through the door (a slightly staggered two by two). Beyond the doorway is white limbo. We are in the queue ourselves (behind ALEX & BABYSHAM (two ahead) and JIM_CB & STEW (one ahead)) and so have to contend with the heads of those in front. JOHN shakes the hands of each person on the right, before they pass through, then indicates the door with a sway of his arm.

GALENA & JASON
(not necessarily in shot)
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

ANT & ALAN
(ditto)
No no no... you'll never win...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
Ooh, Ooh-ooh...

As we reach nearer to the front, we see that on the left side of the door stands FRED (...Harris) in his blue dress. He too is shaking hands. JOHN shakes the hands of those on the right, and FRED those on the left.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

ALEX and BABYSHAM pass through.

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

JIM_CB and STEW pass through.

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

As JOHN delivers his line, our angle is of FRED. FRED smiles reassuringly at us. He shakes our hand (oos).

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

The music begins to fade, and with it the vision. We angle up to see, over the door, a stone frieze of a radiant bird; perhaps a dove, or maybe a small goose. The frieze is tingling with a curious golden energy which allows the image to last longer through the fade-out than it might otherwise do.

PARADE
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
(overdub)
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
No no no no...