ANSX: The Gospel According to Leon
[DURATION: c.65']
INT - MR CHOPS - NIGHT

Opening shot of the corridor, as per tradition, apart from the two LEONs stood side by side, half way along.

They both wear long black leather coats, black shirts and black trousers.

They are holding hands.

Camera cranes down to a low angle.

The door at the back (the one the noise was coming from earlier) opens up.

Beyond is brilliant light, and a river of blood which floods in.

The blood laps along the corridor, through the LEONs' legs.
The LEONs do not move or show emotion.

The blood laps over the camera and engulfs us.

 MIX TO:
INT - CAVES - EVENING

In a torch-lit cave, we writhe through many LEONs, crushed and bloodied by the pressure. Hundreds of agonised screams, cracks, and squelches flood the soundtrack.

We begin to be carried away by the current of distorted LEONs.

We catch the occasional hideously contorted face, as the body level rises.

We make out an arm reaching bravely up out of the crush, then wilting in death.

The ones on top are more comfortable, but the level of bodies is rising. Some wall-torches are extinguished by the rising flesh. Others cause areas of burning body-fat.

The cave ceiling (at the top of the frame) is approaching, as the current pushes us up and out of the caves.

The flesh of the LEONs rises and spills into the fields proper, as we move to a new camera, surveying the scene.

In the distance, an appocalyptic sunset adds to the Bosch-like scene of rhything bodies and burnt livestock.

The occasional battered LEON is picking its way across the field.

It should look like a zombie film, with these broken, tattered forms sloping through the scenery.

The bodies were all wearing the standard LEON outfit at their creation, but the sea of LEONs has left them nearly naked.

CUT TO:
CU of one of the LEONs zombie-walking towards the camera. He should be more dazed than brain-dead.

The LEON walks into the camera, obscuring it, and we...

 CUT TO:
EXT - GLECEON 7 - DAY

A LEON in a long leather coat walks away from the lens to reveal the glittering city-scape of Gleceon 7. It should resemble Croissant (ie a built up version of the University of York), but about a century on. Almost everyone here is a LEON, but there are some exceptions. There are lots of non-Leons in Leon-like garb, with Leon-like hair-styles and face furniture. There are even children, who we might suppose were fathered by Leons, but who are clearly not Leons, as some of them are girls.

We follow this LEON through the city, past people doing ordinary things. Couples, some both LEONs, some not, some same-sex, some not, walk by. Some non-LEON couples have children, but they are a rarity.

We occasionally change our concentration from one LEON to another, so the final LEON we settle on will not be the LEON we started with, but will look identical.

LEONs occasionally say hellos to each other. Ad-lib.

Pairs of armed LEONs (big guns) in particularly threatening black leather, pace the streets being stern. They can often be seen to be picking on non-LEONs, while the very occasional LEON is seen comitting a petty crime. There's the faintest suggestion of a burgeoning police state.

We will spend about a fortnight recording elements for this with Jean. Most will be made up on the spot.

Some obligatory elements are as follows:

A LEON asking police for directions.
A blind LEON being helped over the road by a young woman of Leonish stock.
A LEON urinating in an alleyway.
A LEON robbing a shop.
A LEON buying liver in a market.
A LEON in a yashmak.

The LEON we're following mounts the series of steps that run up the side of Central Hall. A cityscape is all around.

No-one else is on these steps, or the balcony.

The LEON walks the length of the balcony and finds a shady post to lean on.

A door opens onto the balcony, and out of it steps CARVER (Mark Wingett). CARVER is a stern looking character in a big grey overcoat. He wears narrow dark sunglasses like some sort of Nazi scientist.  His name is probably born from some aspect of his behaviour.

Without looking at LEON, CARVER speaks:

CARVER
I trust you weren't followed.

LEON
No one saw me come here.

CARVER scans the balcony.

CARVER
Then you better come inside.

CARVER slips back in the building, followed by LEON.

LEON looks around the balcony, before shutting the door on us.

A POV shot from the stairs, of the doors shutting to.

Another angle reveals a LEON spying from the stairs.

He slopes off down the steps and out of shot.

MIX TO:
An alleyway below, where the LEON walks off past a recycling area. Here, an old woman, OLD_GALENA (Julia Carling in latex) is hobbling up to a bottle bank with a wine bottle.

OLD_GALENA reaches the bottle bank.

She deposits her bottle with a pleasing chink of breaking glass.

WIPE TO:
INT - LEON'S ROOM - MORNING

Beat.

BARNIE (Pam Ferris)'s arm reaches in and replaces a blooded towel. She sees a face in the blood and shrieks.

Wider angle to see her falling backwards in fright, and cracking her head open on a hook in the wall behind her.

She passes out in a fountain of blood, and slumps to the floor.

Blood pools at Barnie's dead hand, and the puddle expands towards the doorway. We pan around her, to take in the window. Beyond is the lake, and on a bench at the far side (too small to make out yet) sits ANT.

CUT TO:


EXT - MUSIC LAKESIDE - MORNING

ANT sits on a bench beneath the Music Department, looking at us through binoculars.

Close-up of ANT's head.

He lowers the binoculars and lightly grins at the camera.

Longer shot as ANT ticks something off on a diddy computer with a stylus. He puts the machine in an outer side-pocket of his navy-blue anorak.

We go with a POV now of the reflection of Goodricke A-Block in the lake. We pan steadily up to the block itself.

In the windows, students go about their business.

A closer shot, with the Mr Chops windows in the top half of the frame and their reflections in the lake in the bottom half.

(L to R):
Tomy's curtain is open, and the light is off. No-one is there. There are naked aryan women on posters on the walls.

Leon's curtain is open. The lighting is whatever is best to see in. Blood is smeared on the wooden panel. If we can see BARNIE, she is prone on the floor. The water below this window is subtly lit blood-red.

Chris's curtain is open, and the light is off. No-one is there. There are scantily clad oriental women on posters on the walls.

Jim's curtain is open, and the light is off. No-one is there. There are Star Wars posters on the walls.

Economics' curtain is closed at first, but the light is on beyond.

Economics' curtains jerk open revealing a back-lit ECONOMICS (Phil Daniels). He wears porter's overalls and his hair is a bit mad. He does some wild staring.

He slides open his window, and as he does so we catch massive ripples in the water.

Quickly, a goose flies up into shot and goes straight for ECONOMICS's neck. ECONOMICS spends the rest of the scene fighting with the (pretty blatantly fake, but nonetheless squawky) goose which will not detach itself.

ECONOMICS, still clutching the goose to his neck, falls through the window and tumbles backwards into the lake with a splash.

Goose after goose joins the fight, and ECONOMICS's flailing lessens as he is slowly drowned.

Eerie silence follows.

The geese disperse leaving behind nothing but floating feathers.

We crane out, eventually taking in the bench at the bottom of the shot.

ANT stands up, straightening himself off before exiting the frame below us (in the direction of the Biology department).

We return to the shot of the corridor windows. LEON (obscured by the curtain) is swiftly shutting his curtains as we cut to the shot.

Cut to a closer shot, of LEON peering out through the crack in the curtains. He looks paranoid.

He disappears in a curtain-twitch.

POV from the block: a panning shot along the music-bank walkway, right-left.

POV-style tracking shot along the path to biology. We start at the Vanbrugh / Goodricke bridge, and move with moderate pace.

ANT is walking away from us towards the doors of Biology.
We approach him.

As we reach ANT, he enters Biology, and the door slams in our face.
 

MIX TO:
FX:

A silver bullet on a black background.

There is a slow-motion explosion at the base of the bullet, launching it right. The camera angle moves to follow it, and in so doing becomes it.

The camera rotates in slow motion towards a point of light. The point opens up to become the following setting, revealing rifling in the black surround.

...INT - BOOK SHOP - DAY

Spinning bullet-cam (slow-mo; we'll vary the rate to synch-up events as necesarry), out of the gun, through the book-shop, past BABYSHAM who is stood at the window.

Another bullet is hurtling towards us from outside. It is coming from the direction of a skate park beyond.
There are three bullets hurtling in roughly the same direction as us, too. Two are a little further ahead, and the third is much closer.

The first of the bullets on our side of the window strikes the window at the same moment, and in the same place, as the bullet outside, causing the window to shatter. Glass rains down in slow motion, and there is an explosion of mercury from the two impacting bullets. This washes across the expanse of the window frame.

The second bullet on our side smashes through the window of mercury soon after the first, causing beautiful ripples.

We and our fellow bullet smash through the remaining glistening shards of liquid metal, and out into:

...EXT - DEVONSHIRE GREEN, SHEFFIELD - CONT.

We are hurtling towards the skate park across the green, but in our line of fire is an approaching armoured 2CV.

Our bullet and the second bullet tear through the wall of the 2CV at the same moment (but in different places). We have quite a lot of armour plating to penetrate, but we just about manage it.

And now we are in the car, we can now see that the head of GOD (a comp-gen Dennis Potter) is in line of fire.

We go thwacking into the front of his head, still in line with the skate-park beyond. As we impact, the screen fills with an explosion of blood and mercury, and then whites out.

Accompany the above with a buzzing crescendo of sound that cuts out at the impact.

Beat.

Seamlessly, we...

MIX TO:
EXT - GLECONIAN SAUCER IN THE SKY - EARLY EVENING

Underneath plan shot of a rotating flying saucer. The saucer is modelled on Sheffield's "Wedding Cake" registry office.
 

MIX TO:
INT - GLECONIAN SAUCER - EARLY EVENING

We have a shot up a metal corridor. At the end is a semi-circular doorway with an iris-style seal. The door is reflected in the polished floor, with the "horizon" being exactly at the centre of shot.

The door irises open. LEON paces towards us, coat billowing. As he occludes shot we reverse angle. The reverse angle is actually the same set. He paces to the door, which opens onto a bright white limbo. The door irises shut as he enters.
 

CUT TO:
INT - SAUCER CONTROL ROOM - CONT.

The room is white, with lots of scaffolding railings and stuff. LEON is stood at the door. He approaches.
He is walking up to a large console unit, at the centre of which is a big industrial chair, turned away from us.

ECU of CARVER's face (eyes closed), with LEON in the background (beyond the chair). Focus moves from CARVER to LEON.

LEON
It is done.

LEON's POV. The chair wheels around to reveal a lap containing the disembodied head of CARVER. CARVER's hair is being stroked by the owner of the lap.

Reveal shot to show that GABRIEL (Gabriel Byrne) is sat in the chair. GABRIEL has mad curly hair. He wears a white sheath-dress and has a coat-hanger halo which glows with an inch wide neon-white light (not as intense as it might otherwise be, given the quasi-limbo setting). Oh his feet are German para-boots, with no laces.

GABRIEL shakes his head, disapprovingly.

GABRIEL
Mr Protznedvic... You've been a very naughty boy.
No Christmas presents for you this year.

LEON looks lightly pissed off.

GABRIEL bounces CARVER's head in his hands. Suddenly, without warning, he hurls it at LEON.

LEON catches the head.

LEON
(to CARVER)
You ok, Carver?
You look a little pale.
(to GABRIEL)
I hope you're not expecting me to quote Hamlet here.
Where's his wallet anyway? He owes me money.

GABRIEL
You'll not need money where you're going.

LEON
I really think I will.

There is the clicking of guns, as two NINJAs move into shot and point their golden AK-47's against LEON's head. The NINJAs are dressed in white, with little chicken wings sticking out of their backs.
LEON shrugs.

LEON lunges forward a step, then freezes.

He throws up CARVER's head and catches it, while the NINJAs react.

GABRIEL
If he does that again, you can shoot him.

LEON rolls his eyeballs.
He takes off his glasses.

LEON
I'm tired...

As he wipes his eyes he accidentally drops the specs to the floor.

LEON
...Let's discuss this later.

The glasses morph into a two-foot diameter hole in the ground...

LEON falls in, dramatically.

CARVER's head pops up out of the hole and rolls about the floor slightly.

The NINJAs, surprised, shoot down the hole. CARVER's head is booted away. GABRIEL, also surprised, stands up and steps towards the hole.

GABRIEL
Get in after him.

One NINJA leaps in, head first.

The hole dematerialises with a TARDIS vroog-vroog-vroog, leaving behind the NINJA's legs and waist.

Golden angel-blood spills across the floor. It looks like that sparkly gold ink you can get.

GABRIEL tosses the legs across the room, and smears the blood about with his boot. No sign of the hole.

He looks past the camera, enraged. His little wings flex.
 

DIAGONAL WIPE TO:
INT - CRAGSIDE DRAWING ROOM - DAY

Long shot down a brightly lit room. There are sky-lights in the ceiling, throwing down limbo-inducing amounts of white light.
We've replaced the kitsch paintings with Kandinskis and Star Wars conceptual art, all in grand frames. There's a giant print of Chevy Chase (in Fletch Lives) on the left wall. In among the tat on the tables are Star Wars models. At the far end of the room is a grotesquely over-the-top marble fireplace. To the left of the fireplace, obscuring a door, is a tripartite screen.

LEON's legs fall into the fireplace, followed by the rest of him, in a crumpled lump.
He's just getting up when the top half of the NINJA falls into his lap. The NINJA's gun strikes LEON's head and fires the corner off one of the pediments of the fireplace.

LEON rubs his head. His clothes are covered in golden blood, and so is the floor.

JIM_SD
(o.o.s)
You're making a right mess.

Reveal shot showing JIM_SD leant against the pillar at the left of the fireplace, previously obscured by the screen. He has his snooker cue in his hand.

LEON
You would if you'd lost your glasses.

LEON stumbles towards JIM_SD, throwing the semi-NINJA into the fireplace.

He passes a statue of the water-nymph Undine, patting its head and kissing it, and leaving behind golden lips of angel-blood.

LEON
Good luck.

LEON walks through the now open door behind the screen.

CUT TO:
INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM

We look straight over the snooker table. JIM_SD stands by one of the score-boards on the far wall. There is an open door to the right from which we hear (after a beat):

LEON
(o.o.s)
You seem to have decked this out quite fancy.

As he finishes his sentence he appears in the doorway.

JIM_SD
I do my best on limited means.

JIM_SD flicks a switch and the table descends into the floor.

The lighting descends too, and from a niche in the ceiling comes down a Tardis Console.

The Console settles at the centre of the room. It has six green uppy-downy things rather than the usual one.

JIM_SD walks up and starts playing with the console.

LEON
If I could see that, I'm sure I'd think it was very classy.

JIM_SD opens a draw on the console and pulls out LEON's glasses.
He passes them to LEON who has come up by his side.
LEON puts his glasses on and looks around.

LEON
Lovely.

He goes over to the light-box windows.

LEON
Not much of a view.

JIM_SD is still fiddling with the controls. LEON is walking back over.

LEON
Need any help?

JIM_SD
No, ta.

LEON
Mm...

LEON hangs his bloody coat on the door.

He does his best to wipe the blood off the rest of him with a handkerchief from his pocket.

LEON
This bloody angel-blood gets everywhere. Sorry about this.

JIM_SD
(no sound)
Don't worry about it.

LEON, carrying a chess book that he has taken from the inside pocket of his coat, lays out on a long seat at the side of the room and starts to read.

JIM_SD flicks something with a grand movement and steps back as the uppy-downy tubes start to do that rising and falling thing that Tardis consoles occasionally do at grand moments. This comes complete with materialisation noises.

LEON
Oh. Are we there already?

JIM_SD
Fraid so.

LEON leaps up, snapping shut his book. He goes and puts his coat on. Meanwhile, JIM_SD makes a couple of final tweaks to the console, which has come to a halt.

He picks up his blue jacket from a chair at the side and starts putting it on as he strides purposefully to camera. LEON strides behind him.

JIM_SD slides a curtain open at the side of the room we've mainly been shooting from, revealing a very ordinary double door with a green EXIT light above.

He opens one of the doors and exits into the outside world.

CUT TO:


EXT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

A locked off shot with the Tardis at the centre.

JIM_SD steps out into the street and looks about.

Shading indicates the active frame.

As he is surveying the scene, LEON appears from the same door.

LEON
You missed.

JIM_SD
No. Even with the Stargate open, there's still restricted access to dimensional portals.

LEON
So what do we do?

LEON tries to push the Tardis but it doesn't budge.

LEON
We can't push it.

JIM_SD
Wait there.

JIM_SD goes around the back of the Tardis, out of shot. There is a pause during which we hear some clunking noises.

Then, with a whirr of electric motors, JIM_SD drives around to the front (and into shot) in a small forklift truck (with an orange flashing light on top).

LEON
That's handy.

JIM_SD
That's why I brought it.

JIM_SD guides the forklift into a position from where it can lift the Tardis.

LEON guides JIM_SD to the entrance and ends up in a position where he'll not see the squished dog-remnants on the tarmac.

JIM_SD
How'm I doing?

LEON
Left a bit. That's ok. Keep coming.

JIM_SD drives the forklift and Tardis into the building.

As he does so, we flare to white.

Black / White lightning effect.

EXT - CERTAIN DEATH - NIGHT

A tree in the top left, in silhouette. The moon peeks out from heavy yellow clouds, and the scene brightens. To the right, the lit up medieval settlement of Certain Death. Beyond, up the hill, the silhouette of Conisbrough Castle, also internally lit.
It is throwing it down with rain. Plus occasional thunder/lightning.

Two figures occlude the shot before dashing, coats over their heads, into the town. We follow at a discrete distance.

Maintain the shot as the figures disappear into town. More lightening.

Thunder over the cut to a shot from within the street. Use Chipping Camden. Everyone else does. It is sodden. The figures splash towards us along the street.

They reach and pass over us. The moon is reflected in the growing puddle close to us. As is another flash of lightning which serves as a bleach-out.

CUT TO:


Shot of an olde inne from below. Something creaks in the wind and rain. Lightning illuminates, where a pub sign should be, an effigy of a man, half sized, hanging by the leg from a gallows assembly that sticks out from the top of the tudor gable.

Pull out to show a window, through which we see a normal sort of pub atmosphere. There are sundry old men playing dominoes or talking at the bar. They drink pints from glasses. There are dogs. It's an old fashioned sort of pub but hardly sinister. Most patrons keep to their own groups and there is no singing or music of any kind, just the general ambient row of a busy pub, as heard through a window.

A figure obscures shot from behind, and enters the building through a porch. The outer door is open, the inner is closed.

As we atmospherically pan and establish the pub, we see, through the window, the figure (WILD ANDREW (Nigel Havers)) go round the back of the bar and whisper to the BARMAN (Bill Bailey).

We zoom into the window, as the BARMAN rings a bell as if to call time.

BARMAN
(barely audible through glass)
Visitors!

Two patrons appear from the sides of the window, and close up the shutters.

BLACK OUT & CUT TO:
EXT - CERTAIN DEATH - NIGHT

The pub stands at the very edge of the left of frame, denoted by the dangling effigy above the door. The Market Hall in the middle of Chipping Campden High Street is in the centre of the shot. Rain slices down into the street, which we have covered in that grey gravely mud, or similar. Consequently there are potholes and puddles. Shoot to look as ancient and menacing as possible.

As we maintain this angle, we notice two figures sheltering beneath the Market Hall.

Punctuate / illuminate with lightning. During the lightening burst we have a couple of quick cuts to a close-up of the two, who are animatedly debating something. The cuts are slower than subliminal, but quick enough to disorientate and confuse the viewer. We will gain little substantial information from them as we return to the wide angle for a beat.

We melt away, returning to the close-up, but framed as before, such that the left portion is now lost.

Now that we can see it properly, we see that the right-hand figure, the only one now in shot, is LEON.

He wears fake sideburns, and is peering over a pair of black '50s sunglasses, at the other character who is out of shot, left. He is very wet, and his sidies are starting to peel off. His hair is a collapsed and drenched quiff, and he is beardless. He is chewing something.

He walks out of shot, left, bringing his coat over his head.

CUT TO:
Broad angle again: They emerge from the shelter and dash through the rain to the pub.

Cut back to the pub establish. The figures enter the porch and shake their heads about. The figures are:

JAM-JAR (Derek Griffiths). He has green dreadlocks, and the parts of his skin closest to his hair are shaded green too. His eyes are mirrored rounded ovals. His lips are glossed orange and are in a constant grin.

He wears a long inflatable coat covered in chestnut brown felt and gold lame trim. The coat is inflated. Under this he wears a tiny light brown felt waistcoat that is too small to do up. Under that he wears a tartan tabard-dress in the ancient Armstrong tartan, with a neon yellow / orange / gold bum-bag over the front as a sporran. On his legs he wears orange and green punk tights, and big boot-trainers with neon trim. The trainers are untied and pulled open. Add to this any gaudy accessories as required. Cheap plastic and gold. In addition to all that, from the bum-bag belt, at the rear, hangs an aluminium shaft, about 2ft long and 2in diameter. And over his ears he wears '80s orange foam and thin metal head-band headphones connected to some hidden walkman.

The second figure is LEON. We've already described his face, so let us do his wardrobe. He wears a conventional biker's leather jacket (a little longer than convention; it should cover his arse), white oil-smeared t-shirt, and torn jeans.

Both characters are sodden.

JAM-JAR presses on the inner door but applies no real pressure. He looks back to LEON.

INT - SNICKLEWAY - NIGHT

We are in the Snickleway pub in York. There is a mezzanine effect here from when the ceiling fell in once.

The pub is the same one we saw through the window, but now appears somewhat more sinister. The old men are beardier and wartier and redder. They drink foaming cider from huge tankards. The dogs are bigger and hairier too, but they are the same dogs with hairpieces attached to them. They have been groomed to look more threatening than they are.

The domino game is still on, but the domino set looks more sinister, and they're using a voodoo-like cribbage board (all bones and pins) to score.

The BARMAN is hanging up some Blair-Witch inspired corn dollies in the bar.

An old woman operates a spinning wheel in a corner. Other old women smoke pipes and cluck.

WILD ANDREW stands in a corner, playing I'm Just an Old Fashioned Girl on a harmonium. He wears a fake beard and a fair-isle sweater, and is smoking a pipe.

One or two midgets have been added to the mix of (entirely white and 50+) clientele, and there is a degree of bawdy merrymaking in action. The place is in a full but somewhat self-conscious swing when the door opens.

As JAM-JAR and LEON tentatively enter, the throng of patrons come to a far from sudden stop. It's all a bit of a mess as dramatic silences go, and the two interlopers should be almost at the bar before they realise anything is amiss.

JAM-JAR looks around the place nonchalantly. He assumes that his attire is the cause of the silence. He is used to this sort of reaction and dishes out a few snide grins.

Meanwhile, LEON squeezes up to the bar, surveying the pumps. Note that all dialogue in this scene is badly dubbed, and we will actually have the actors saying something completely different on set to facilitate this.

LEON
A pint of Sunwobbler please, landlord.

JAM-JAR approaches his colleague, squeezing beside him. BARMAN is pulling some foul pale-green liquid into a tankard.

JAM-JAR speaks to BARMAN in a Jamaican accent:

JAM-JAR
Wat is dis place?

BARMAN
(in a West Country accent)
This be the Merry Coggler. Will you be 'avin' a drink as well, zir?

JAM-JAR
Um... a rum, plea.

The BARMAN groans.

He plonks the tankard before LEON, spilling some of the frothy washing-up liquid contents.

He gets a bottle of rum from the back cabinet. It is really very old. Georgian, in fact. He dusts it off and pours out a measure in another tankard.

As he does that, LEON and JAM-JAR look about, surveying in close-up some of the scenes we mentioned in the exposition. Both seem comfortable but on-edge as they lean with their backs to the bar.

BARMAN
Three yizzles.

LEON tosses some washers onto the bar. The BARMAN scoops them up scornfully.

Still the pub is (for the most part) silently watching.

The two sip their drinks.

LEON's face scrunches up tightly.

JAM-JAR's is a picture of near-erotic pleasure, but he is interrupted mid-drink by a nudge to the arm, which causes some of the spirit to drip down his chin.

The nudger is MAD EDWARD (Jude Law), who wears a miller's smock and a big ginger beard. He grunts something unintelligible and guttural at JAM-JAR.

JAM-JAR ignores him but the action is repeated. JAM-JAR tries to let it pass. But CRAZY GREGORY (Angus Deayton), a man in a blacksmith's leather apron, tugs at JAM-JAR's sleeve.

The tug is of sufficient strength to puncture the coat which will gently deflate with a quiet hiss throughout the rest of the scene.

CRAZY GREGORY leans across.

CRAZY GREGORY
He don't like you.

JAM-JAR
Mesa sorry.

JAM-JAR isn't sorry. He turns to try to make conversation with LEON, who is observing the scene.

CRAZY GREGORY
I don't like you either.

JAM-JAR steps up off the bar, and turns to face him, prepared for the confrontation. He tilts his head as if to say "don't be a tosser".

CRAZY GREGORY whips out a bike-pump from behind his apron. It is made of wrought iron, and once extended it glows orange like hot metal. It is a pretty snazzy piece of kit, and he wields it as people make space. The pump omits a novel hum.

JAM-JAR steps back, startled. He tugs at the aluminium tube on his belt and brings it out in front of him in both hands.

He presses some sort of trigger button and a large amount of water pours onto the floor, released from the lower end of the shaft.

CRAZY GREGORY swings at the shaft, which slices in two at the impact.

One half falls to the ground with a tinkle.

Behind this, we see that LEON is unimpressed. As CRAZY GREGORY makes his swipe, LEON reaches into his inside pocket and casually draws out a pistol which he uses to shoot CRAZY GREGORY.

As a consequence, CRAZY GREGORY's bike-pump falls out of his hands hitting the floor with the blade, and closing the pump with its weight, switching it off.

CRAZY GREGORY's limp body follows it to the floor.

The rest of the patrons look on agog. One of the old women drops her pipe from her slack mouth. We hear a dog whimpering.

WILD ANDREW looks at BARMAN with "what do I do now?" eyes. LEON still holds the smoking gun at arm's length. JAM-JAR is looking, startled, at the gun and at LEON.

The BARMAN eyes something back to WILD ANDREW who tentatively starts playing the harmonium again. But the tune takes a while to reform and he is clearly shaken.

MAD EDWARD collapses to the floor, to serve his prone friend, and the other patrons begin to open into nervous chatter. LEON puts his gun back into his coat. He has a purposeful glint in his eye. JAM-JAR, on the other hand has the expression and demeanour of someone who's best friend just shot a total stranger with a gun they knew nothing about. He squats down and picks up his fallen bit of metal, but keeps his eyes locked on LEON (who is looking at WILD ANDREW).

MAD EDWARD raises his head, his beard fallen around his neck.

He lets out a wookie-like sob over his fallen friend.

Broad shot of this uneasy tableau.
Fade to black, but preserve the sound of the harmonium, wheezing into the start of the next sequence.

EXT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

An extravagant crane shot starting high above so as to show the circular form of the building in all its Albert Hall glory.

We crane down in a pleasant arc and touch down in the road, opposite the entrance.

The dog bits are still there.

We now track into the building, over the dog.

As we enter the building, the change in light intensity is sufficient to black out the shot.

MIX / FLARE TO:
INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

A blinding high-contrast shot of the glass domed roof.

Tilt down past the rectangular block of glazing.

We are shooting from the mezzanine, and so keep tilting past the horizontal.

The tilt reveals, in the dead centre of the hall's otherwise empty floor, the green and white TARDIS.

JIM_SD emerges from an entrance to the hall at the top of shot (we should be looking near to straight down) and walks steadily to the TARDIS.

LEON emerges from the opposite end a moment later, and makes the same determined walk, but that bit faster so as to coincide their meeting at the centre.

The two reach the TARDIS and steadily walk around it, anti-clockwise. LEON still walks quicker.

JIM-SD will do 2 laps. LEON will do 1½ laps. Both in the same space of time.

Cut to a view of the front (JIM_SD's side) of the TARDIS. The two of them have reached the door together.

JIM_SD raises a yale key.

JIM_SD
You ready for this?

LEON shrugs a resigned shrug.

JIM_SD steps up to the door of the TARDIS and sets about opening it with the key.

Broad high shot of JIM_SD stepping in through the now open door. LEON doesn't move.

JIM_SD
Come on, then.

LEON tentatively follows in.

He shuts the door behind himself.

Cut to the door close-up.
LEON doesn't sneck the door. He opens it again, takes a good look around as if saying goodbye, then finally resigns himself to the forthcoming enterprise and shuts the door with a bang.

INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

JIM_SD is already prodding at the control panel of the TARDIS in the time-honoured way.

LEON's body obscures shot for a moment as he passes into the room.

JIM_SD
Shut that curtain.

JIM_SD resets the snooker scoreboard on the wall with a sweep of his hand as LEON reaches across shot and draws a curtain over the camera.

MIX TO:
INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

The big over-head shot of the TARDIS in the room.

LEON (over)
I'm not too sure this is safe.

Beat.

INT - CRAGSIDE BILLIARD ROOM - DAY

CU of JIM_SD, looking up from the controls.

JIM_SD
Course it's not safe.

He goes back to prodding, and at the same moment, the middle bits start doing the up and down business.

LEON caresses the bridge of his nose, and sits himself down squarely.

INT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

The TARDIS begins to dematerialise.

WHITE OUT.


 EXT - ROTHER VALLEY COUNTRY PARK (OR SIMILAR) - MORNING

A lake scene from a low angle.

Two duck legs step over the camera and stand in our shot. They are close enough to create a square frame of lake in the centre, where waterfowl are doing their thing in the distance.

The duck's arse squats into shot. The duck is thrusting with some quacking.

Slowly, a large egg begins to emerge.

Though it is not an egg. It is a crystal.

The crystal drops from the duck and falls into the dusty earth. It is recognisable as the Crystal of Enderon.

It's tennis-ball size must've been quite a strain for the duck, which collapses forwards into shot, obscuring what little of the lake scene is still visible beyond the crystal. We are too close to get a truly unambiguous view of the duck, not least with the crystal in the way, but it is a male green-winged teal.

Zoom in on the crystal until its circle reaches the edge of frame.

The crystal is pretty, glinting in the morning light, and provides a shattered view of the dead duck's arse. Blood is flowing from it, in multiple fragmented images. Gradually the cells that are the defracted images fill with blood. As this goes on, the interior of the crystal rotates like a kaleidoscope, rotating the multiplied images like a big wheel or a Buzby Berkley routine.

Zoom in through this and mix to:

Equally framed shot of the duck's eye. This is the lynch-pin of the entire production. The shot of the eye rotates in the opposite direction, a-la Psycho, and the crystal and its fragmented view of the duck's bleeding bottom are preserved within the dark of the dead eye.

We corkscrew out to reveal the striking green and red face of the duck.

Keep pulling out and rotating above the bird. As we rise, we see more of the scene. The duck's green-striped wings are sprawled out to the side. Its arse is in a pool of blood which is spreading about the rest of the bird, and perfectly positioned behind is the glinting crystal. It's a bit hieroglyphic in construction.

The crystal shines brightly in the sun.

The shining stops with the music, as the scene is plunged into the shadow of a man.

New shot from the floor, over the crystal and the duck, to reveal that the caster of the shadow is ECONOMICS (Phil Daniels), dressed in green overalls.

He bends down and picks the crystal up, wiping the blood down his overalls.

ECONOMICS
Bloody hell. They're as bad as donkeys.

He holds the crystal up to his eye and looks through it to the sky. Much glintery.

BLEACH OUT.
 Black.
A yellow hat of few pixels jumps into shot from diagonal left bottom and is followed by a similar head. This is the little man from Chuckie Egg, for this is:

FX - CHUCKIE EGG

Wider shot to show the full screen of this classic 8-bit platform game. It is Level 7; the one with the three ladders at the top.

Bit of establishing play, then the farmer leaps onto an unsupported egg, catches it, but falls beyond it into a goose.

CUT TO:
INT -CRAGSIDE ELECTRICS ROOM - (LIGHT-BOX...) DAY (but rather dark all the same)

We're in a small room full of terrifying brass switches and meters. There's a suitably gothic computer monitor wedged in amongst the electrical equipment. And a baroque'd up BBC Micro keyboard in the sideboard.

JIM_SD is sat at the keyboard in a nice big swivel chair. The monitor flashes up GAME OVER PLAYER 1, and JIM_SD slides back in the chair.

LEON is stood at a window to the room, peering in like a loon.

LEON
You win.

JIM_SD is loading something else. It purrs and growls like a BBC loading.

JIM_SD
Play something else?

LEON steps into the room behind JIM_SD.

LEON
Ok.

JIM_SD
Time, I think,  to get medieval on your ass.

LEON
As in Ruy Lopez, the 15th century Spanish priest who gave his name to a chess opening?

The monitor flares up with the title screen for JOUST: a mad arcade game with little knights on ostriches.

LEON
Or as in Bernie Clifton.

LEON squeezes up to the keyboard, alongside JIM_SD. He accidentally shorts something on the wall with his body and squeals. The lights flicker.

JIM_SD
Careful.

LEON
Stupid place to play this.

JIM_SD
Atmospheric.

LEON
Stupid.

The ostriches do their sexy little walks. The vultures swoop about. Cut to the monitor feed as appropriate.

We watch some gameplay.

One of the ostriches flies too close to the lava... a hand reaches out and grabs it, dragging it into the hellish depths.
 

FX WIPE UP TO BLACK.
TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
A red rectangle flips into view along its horizontal axis. It is slightly smaller than the frame so as to give it a black border. As it appears, a tinny tone plays an A. Then the rectangle flaps back out of existence.
A blue rectangle does the same thing, this time playing the D above the A that was played with the red rectangle.
A yellow rectangle plays the G above the D of the last rectangle.
And a green rectangle plays an A that is an octave above the original A of the red rectangle.
The...
...pattern...
...is...
...repeated.
Again...
...but...
...double...
...speed.
Repeat the quick one another three times. Then, with the appropriate notes, just switching on with no flip:
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
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. .
.
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. .
.
TOP frames combine to give:

INT - CHURCH HALL - NIGHT

JOHN, in Pete Townsend mode, windmills at an electric guitar, left front. He makes a bent and sonorous whine.

In the back right, the other disciples are visible:

SIMON is very distant, plugging away at an unseen synth.
JIMMY is the topless drummer.
ANDREW is a rhythm guitarist.
PHILIPPA and NATALIE are glamourous backing vocalists.
TOM has a saxophone.
MATTHEW brandishes a violin.
PEGG is playing the role of a moody bassist.
MARY has a tambourine ready by the side of her Stevie Nicks floaty dress.

An audience is present.

. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
. .
.
CUT TO:
A new angle of the same, which combines the LEFT frames.
. .
. .
. .
.
. .
.
. .
. .
.
. .
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.
The band revs up. . .
.
The band plays.
Assorted shots across the frames.
Ad lib.
CUT TO:
A shot of SIMON plugging away at a pair of black-cased Simple Simon electronic games. His crude chords continue through the song.
CUT TO:
STEW looking all suave and Bryan Ferry.

STEW
Make me a deal
And make it straight:
All signed and sealed;
I'll take it.
To Robert E. Lee
I'll show it;
I only hope he don't blow it
Cos...

JOHN hits the wrong chord. 
The piece falls apart.
General criticism ad libbed at JOHN.
 ...we've been around
A long time...
Through the aisle of the audience, back to us, LEON paces towards the stage with a stately momentum. In his right hand is the violin case from the start of the episode.  STEW looks about him, wondering what happened to the backing. Feedback whistles. 
JOHN is forced off stage by the rest of the collective. While general disappointment continues within the other frames, LEON mounts the steps to the stage.
The two BOTTOM frames combine for a shot of LEON unfastening his violin case. We don not see what is within it, but the contents glow a brilliant white which saturates and fades to white the shot.
The top frames wipe / mix to white. The top frames wipe / mix to white.

EXT - McARTHUR GLEN RETAIL OUTLET, YORK - DAY

MARY appears in a doorway, clutching two large shopping bags.

She steps out into the carpark, and makes her way across.

We make use of a more distant position. As MARY reaches about half way, we pan left to reveal, one by one, the other disciples queuing at a bus stop. They are, in order of reveal (and greatest distance from stop sign):

PEGG, MATTHEW, TOM, NATALIE, PHILIPPA, ANDREW, JIMMY, SIMON, LEON and STEW.

As MARY reaches the queue, a bus hisses into shot, obscuring the cast as it comes to a halt.

INT - 403 BUS - DAY

STEW exchanges pensive but knowing looks with the driver, CHRIS (Christian Slater).

STEW and his posse board the bus.

EXT - McCARTHUR GLEN - DAY

We see the bus pulling away. The destination, on a matrix sign, reads: 403 JERUSALEM.

INT - 403 BUS - DAY

STEW is sat at the centre of the back seat, flanked by LEON (on his right) and MARY (on his left). NATALIE sits next to Mary, then PHILIPPA. TOM sits next to Leon, then MATTHEW.

SIMON, ANDREW, PEGG and JIMMY sit on benches facing the back seat. With their backs to us, they are arranged thus, L to R.

Directly in front of them are seated:
Left of the aisle: OLD WOMAN 1 (Glenda Jackson) and OLD WOMAN 2 (Helen Atkinson Wood).
Right of the aisle: JIM_RG and ANNA (Daniel Radcliffe).

ANDREW pulls out his mobile phone and prods it a bit.

A tinny Pinky & Perky version of Toto's Rosanna begins to emanate from it.

LEON whispers something to STEW.

STEW raises his hand in LEON's direction to quell him.

The other disciples chatter loudly and uncouthly, ad lib. The four other non-extras are clearly a little annoyed by the noise.

JIM_RG turns towards ANDREW.

JIM_RG
Excuse me,
Could you...

STEW
Jim.

JIM_RG
Stew?
I didn't recognise...
Your mum's worried sick.
You should call her.

STEW
That fucking witch?
Don't think so.

JIM_RG
(shaking his head)
Are you alright?

STEW
So so.

JIM_RG
(to ANDREW)
Can you turn that off, please?

SIMON flicks open a knife.

STEW
I think you'd better leave it, Jim.

JIM_RG, clearly annoyed and disappointed, looks at STEW.

STEW shows no emotion.

JIM_RG
Just give her a ring.

He turns back, shaking his head. ANNA is in tears. He comforts her.
At the same time:

STEW
That's it. Turn the other cheek.
(to his gang)
He's getting it.

EXT - WALMGATE BARBICAN, YORK - DAY

Shooting from outside the city, we follow the bus, with the city wall in the background, panning as it approaches the barbican of Walmgate Bar.

The bus enters the barbican and we fade to a shot from the other side of the wall.

Shooting from within the city, looking up Walmgate to the bar. A cherry-picker is parked at the side of the road, and is lopping branches off trees by the road. Many of the branches and leaves are spilling into the road. There is a shower of arboreal debris, which is rather pretty.

Into this debris drives the 403 bus, as it appears from beneath the bar. The bus crunches over the foliage and past camera.
 

FADE.

CUT TO:

EXT - DEV GREEN - MORNING

The crowd has dispersed from the scene of God's assassination. The street is crawling with police, some of whom are questioning small groups of witnesses. General crime-scene atmosphere. Beyond the tape are journalists, but only a handful because the rain is bucketing down. Police are flash photographing the 2CV.

We view through the pack of journalists who are mainly silhouettes.

Two plain-clothed officers in suits, JUNE (Trudie Goodwin) and GINA (Roberta Taylor) step out of the Green Room bar, shepherding STEW between them.

The unidentified journalists chatter. We overhear the following amongst the hubbub.

JOURNALIST 1
Is he really going back there?

The officers put up black brollies, partly obscuring STEW. STEW is wearing a grey pack-a-mac.

JOURNALIST 2
Well there he is,
Let's ask him.

TEW is clearly distraught. The officers are doing their best to support him. An NME JOURNO (Paul Morley) breaks the barrier to rush him.

NME JOURNO
Stew! Is that Lammo's
mac you're wearing?

STEW shies away from the flash photography. A black car is waiting nearby and the police are herding STEW to it.

JUNE
Please; there will be
no interviewing him
until after Saturday.

NME JOURNO
By the way,
Where'd you meet him?

They're just pushing him into the car, when STEW leaps up with instrumental backing:

STEW
I met him in Division Street,
He took it off and passed it me.

Someone brazenly takes a photo right in front of STEW.

STEW
You get the picture?

JUNE
This way, please.

STEW
That's when I first saw
the DJ Steve Lamacq.

STEW is dragged into the car which pulls away with a broooooooom.

INT - BLACK POLICE CAR - MORNING

Windscreen wipers going. The driver, CATO (Philip Whitchurch), looks up at his rear view mirror to see STEW sat between the two officers in the back seat.
 

MIX TO:
INT - BUS - MORNING

STEW between MARY and LEON.

MARY
My folks were always
putting Him down.

LEON & STEW
Down, Down.

MARY
They said that He came
from the wrong side of town.

SIMON, ANDREW,
PEGG & JIMMY
What you mean
When you say that He came
From the wrong side of town?

MARY
They told me He was bad,
But I knew that He was sad;
That's why I fell for
The leader of the pack.


MIX BACK TO:


INT - UNMARKED POLICE CAR - MORNING

STEW
One day my dad said:
'Find someone new';
I had to tell my Johnny
We're through.

JUNE & GINA
What He mean
When He said
That you better go
Find somebody new?

STEW
He stood there
And asked me why,
But all I could do was lie.

JUNE & GINA
He sought to usurp you,
The leader of the pack.

NT - BUS

The disciples are quietly doo-dooing.

LEON
I'm set to smile
And kiss him goodbye.
His fear is beginning to show.

STEW
As we drive away
On that rainy day,
I beg them to go slow;

INT - POLICE CAR

STEW (vo)
Whether he heard me,
I'll never know.

The car is heading down Furnival Street to the junction with Brown Street.

BOND's Aston whooshes past.

JUNE & GINA
No no no no
No no no...

PICHOLL's 2CV crosses their path.

STEW
Look out! Look out!
Look out! Look out!

Braking hard to miss the collision.

INT - BUS

STEW
I feel so helpless;
What can I do?
Remembering all the things
We've been through.

LEON
The fools,
They won't understand
The role that I'll play
In the masterplan;
I'll never betray him;
The leader of the pack.

SIMON, ANDREW,
PEG & JIMMY
Ooh. Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh.

NATALIE, PHILIPPA,
TOM & MATTHEW
The leader of the pack,
And now he's come.

STEW
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah.

EXT - YORK MINSTER - DAY

The bus pulls up outside the cathedral as the music repeats and fades out.

STEW et al disembark.

STEW, in sweeping coat, leads his gang into the Minster, on what is a sunny day.

INT - YORK MINSTER - DAY

We've really made the place look good, with floodlighting through the stained glass, and a bit of smoke to catch the light.

Tourists abound.

STEW marches through past the kiosk, manned by an OLD WOMAN (Liz Smith).

OLD WOMAN
(meekly)
Excuse me...

STEW turns on her, with an aspect of savagery.

STEW
(too sweetly)
Yes, dear?

OLD WOMAN
(reading from a card)
The Minster receives no financial support from
central or local government for the building's upkeep,
and reluctantly, we have had to introduce
an entry charge to maintain this holy and historic building.
We trust you understand why we have had to take this step.

SIMON and ANDREW start digging into their pockets behind STEW. But STEW is going a funny colour.

With great effort, he lifts up the till and throws it to the floor, then stumbles about, knocking as much kiosk material to the ground as he can find to move. As he goes about this:

STEW
(loudly and stilted)
It is written:
My house shall be called the house of prayer!
But you lot have made it a den of thieves!
Come. Let us leave this polluted sepulchre.

The old woman is shaking in fear as STEW pushes her aside.

He leads his minions back out the door. He is clearly irate.

PHILIPPA mouths a shrugged and wide-eyed "sorry" at the OLD WOMAN as she wheels past her. At the same time:

PEGG
(quietly, to MATTHEW)
I thought he could've argued that better...

LEON stares back at him.

FADE.
EXT - MINSTER - DAY

An ice-cream van. In the back, serving ice-creams to a sweet little girl is ARCHIE (Tony Pitts), who wears a 1995 Sheffield Wednesday shirt.

STEW comes up and shoves the girl out of the way. He is clearly enraged.

STEW
A strawberry Ninety-Nine.

ARCHIE
We've not got any strawberry.
We got raspberry ripple.

MARY and LEON exchange glances.

STEW just turns away from the van and walks back to his posse.

STEW
Let no icecream sell from there henceforward for ever.

The girl has returned to the van with her mother. ARCHIE passes her her ice-cream, and pours on it strawberry sauce from a decapitated head.

The girl bursts into tears. The ice-cream bursts into flames. ARCHIE's freezers suddenly explode into balls of fire, and ARCHIE is forced to escape through the roof light. As he does so, a light aircraft plummets into the flaming van. All this in the background.

The gang are gawping at this.
STEW manoeuvres them away from the scene. At the same time:

STEW
Verily I say unto you:
If you have faith, and don't doubt,
you shall not only do this which is done
to the ice cream van, but also if you shall say
to this building, "Be thou removed, and
be thou cast into the sea", it shall be done.

PEGG
Woh. How cool is that?

FADE.

 
MIX TO:
INT - MR CHOPS - MORNING

It is dark and moody, as ever. We are looking from the lobby door, across towards the shower. We perhaps play with the focus.

Leon's door swings open on our right, spilling some light onto Alex's door, opposite, plus the shadow of LEON.

LEON emerges backwards, from his room. He is dragging the corpse of BARNIE.

Closer reverse angle, looking down the corridor (from a higher position), as LEON struggles to extricate BARNIE from his room.
 

CUT TO:


Shot from the lobby side:
Leon's door slams shut and LEON curses under his breath.

Shot from above the shower (high reverse angle):
LEON drags BARNIE up the corridor, in our direction. BARNIE's movement is accompanied by a drawn out squeak.

BARNIE is leaving a trail of slimy blood behind her.
 

CUT TO:


We shoot from above the kitchen door (our standard shooting position), as LEON rounds the far corner, dragging behind him the corpse of BARNIE.
 

CUT TO:


INT - LIFT - MORNING

The panel-door slides open, revealing LEON in the corridor, with BARNIE's corpse. He is struggling.

The door closes on BARNIE's head. It repeatedly djungs against her head, beating it into a pulp.

We hear a voice off (right). It is TOMY (Robbie Coltraine):

TOMY
Hiya, Leon.

As he says this, he steps into shot, to the right of LEON.

LEON jumps, but then replaces his initial surprise with a calm sense of calm.

LEON
Ah, Tomy. Just the man.
Give us a hand, would you?

TOMY instinctively helps lug BARNIE into the lift-shaft, while LEON keeps the door in check.

TOMY
Is this that cleaning lady?

LEON
A-huh.

TOMY
She alright?

She's clearly not alright. She's covered in blood and bruises.

LEON
She's had a funny turn.

TOMY
She... asleep...?

LEON
Yes. Yes, she's asleep.

TOMY
Wow. That's proper fascist, is that.

They've got her in the lift now. LEON stands upright, smearing blood off himself.

LEON
Well fascist. Yeah.

CUT TO:
INT - MR CHOPS - MORNING

Shot from the kitchen.

LEON strikes the lift control.

LEON wipes his head smearing blood across his face.

We apply the reverb of a cathedral:

TOMY
You cut yourself.

LEON licks his finger and shakes his head.

LEON
Jam.

He offers a bloody finger to TOMY, who turns his nose up.

TOMY
Scrubber.

He turns away, and opens the door that we're shooting through, obscuring and blacking out the shot in the process.

Cut to a closer shot of LEON, licking at his fingers and walking back towards his room.

We pan back to the lift door.

The "up" button is flashing, and then the "door-open" button lights up.

The door djungs open.

BARNIE, in perfect health (well as perfect as it ever was), steps out, backwards, dragging behind her her floor waxer.

INT - BLACK SWAN, YORK - AFTERNOON

In a side room, disciples are eating at a table. Two empty places. To the left of these are NATALIE and PHILIPPA. To the right are LEON, TOM and MATTHEW. Opposite them are SIMON, ANDREW, PEGG and JIMMY.

In the corner, by the fireplace, STEW is stripped naked. MARY is knelt by him. Angle at first suggests she is giving him a blow-job. But she is opening an impressive alabaster box which looks not unlike the casket from ANSIV. The contents glow.

MARY lifts the box over STEW's head and pours from it a thick, syrupy ointment. It has a waxy golden sheen.

MARY uses a spatula to smear the paste across STEW's body, and STEW is the only one who touches the material, rubbing it across every inch of flesh.

The disciples steadily notice what is going on, and seem a bit bemused and somewhat disturbed. Except LEON who just keeps eating.

SIMON
What're you doing?

MARY
The master is to be anointed.

TOM
Aw, come on.

MATTHEW
That stuff looks awfully expensive.

SIMON
We could've sold that for a small fortune
and given the proceeds to the poor or something.

MATTHEW
And don't you think it's a bit off, luxuriating in
precious oils while we've got this board on tic?
Where'd you get it from, anyway?

MARY
Never you mind.
It's all paid for.

SIMON
Capitalist bullshit.
I thought we'd eschewed
wealth in the interests of
the needy. C'mon!

STEW
Why trouble the woman?
Can't you see she's working wonders on me?

SIMON
What's wrong with you?
We could feed and clothe a dozen people
with the price we'd get for that stuff.

MATTHEW
This dozen for instance.

STEW
Give it a rest.
The poor'll always be around.
But I'm only here on limited release.
I think a bit of pampering is the least I deserve,
don't you?

SIMON
You been on the pop?

STEW
And anyway, this embrocation
is the embalming before my burial.

LEON scrapes his chair loudly. He stands, throwing a napkin into his plate, and leaves the room deliberately.

SIMON
Now look what you've gone an done.
John was right. You're going fucking
wappy in your dotage.

STEW
Oh. Put a sock in it.
Enjoy it while it lasts.

SIMON
Alright for you to say.

SIMON, annoyed, lays into a lamb shank. The rest have already lost interest and returned to their dinner.

MARY is smoothing out the glaze. The material is baking into a flexible resinous membrane across STEW's flesh; like the stuff you put on a verucca.

MIX TO:


INT - WINTER GARDENS - AFTERNOON

ANT sat on a bench, reading an unprinted newspaper (a la chip wrapper).

Shots of rain on roof. Shots of foliage. Shots of ANT.

A smashing of glass as several angelic NINJAS crash through the roof and hoist down on ropes.

ANT checks his watch and makes a swift but calm exit into St Paul's square, which in this universe contains the back of the THX eggbox building.

The NINJAS continue to descend. There is a chaos from members of the public.

EXT - PEACE GARDENS - AFTERNOON

The fountain.

A girl runs through. She appears at the other end still dry.

She runs through again and gets wet.

She runs through again and is dry again.

ANT passes by. The THX takes up the background of the shot.

WIPE TO:

EXT - SURREY STREET - AFTERNOON

The metal bollard with the red lights is moving up and down while rubble falls from the Town Hall above it. The familiar sound of a Tardis in action is increasingly audible.

INT - PEACE GARDEN CRYPT - AFTERNOON

Dust and debris is falling onto the Aston Martin. Water is gushing from pipework.

This closer angle of the garage recess reveals JIM_SD's police box along the back wall. The door of which opens.

JIM_SD, LEON, JIM_DT, NIGEL and JIM_AH appear first, with JIM_SP, ALEX, INANNA, ZOE, JOE and LUCY bringing up the rear.

JIM_SD is dressed as a baggy sort of clown, with red wig, red nose and big glasses.
LEON is in his EDS postal uniform (and his glasses).
JIM_DT is dressed in ermine and wears a crown.
NIGEL is in an Elvis jumpsuit.
JIM_AH wears Rocky Horror basque, suspenders et al.
JIM_SP wears an '80s jumper-dress and belt, heeled pixy-boots, black tights and is carrying a big, floppy handbag.
ALEX is in a fancy-dress penguin costume, plus usual mirrored glasses.
INANNA wears an Amazon lepoard-dress and carries a spear. She still has on her star pendant.
ZOE wears that dominatrix outfit Dianna Rigg had in that episode of the Avengers.
JOE wears his usual outfit but with an orangier tartan.
LUCY wears a red all-in-one leotard, with a pointy tail and horns. She carries a trident.

The party are clearly concerned that the grotto is breaking up.

A large chunk of roof falls and impales the Aston. A small amount of light beams in from above.

JIM_SD, pulling off his orange wig and red nose, is the first to step into the main chamber, which is vibrating something chronic. The sounds of a sick Tardis continue. The column is breaking up; timber is falling to the floor leaving holes through which brilliant sickly green light spews.

There at the top, prodding ineffectually at the control panel, trying to shut it down, is PICHOLL.

JIM_SD
Who the fuck are you?

PICHOLL
I can't make it stop!
Make it stop!

JIM_SD climbing up the ladder.

NIGEL
That's Picholl.
He's a local private eye,
Hired to find the pair of you.

He talks of JIM_SD and LEON.

NIGEL
Among others.

ZOE
What is that, anyway?
It looks like a Tardis.

LUCY
That's Hell.

JOE
Hell?

NIGEL
It's all one big Tardis.

JIM_AH
That's how it's able to cater to your desires.

ALEX
Not been doing too well at that lately.

JOE
But if Hell is a Tardis...

LEON
Is that safe to move with the Stargate as it is?

JIM_SP
What do you think?

JIM_SD pushes PICHOLL out of the way and starts prodding at the controls.

PICHOLL
(quietly)
Why are you dressed as a clown?

LEON
Are we all going to die again?

JIM_SD
It's not responding.
And there's a terrible smell of dead pheasant.

An unpleasant creaking noise and the gantry lurches violently.
 

INT - PEACE GARDENS CRYPT - CONT.

Angelic NINJAs burst into the room as the roof collapses en masse.

LUCY picks up the receiver of a black bakelite telephone hung on the wall. Shakes her head at its deadness. Drops the receiver which clatters against the tiles.

NINJAs surround the party. ALEX holds out his left arm to cast a shadow against the floor. Looks down at the floor, pensively.

Clouds of acrid smoke rise, and the party begin to cough.

From across the ground floor of the room... out of the smoke, and out of view of the higher NINJAs, appears SIDDOR (Mark Curry).

He wears a gas mask, a lumberjack shirt, and a black overcoat.

Over his shoulder is a wooden box on a strap.

Break away with a cut to a POV shot from LEON's perspective.

He is looking about the building, quickly, and occasionally checking on the NINJAs' progress. The NINJAs cannot see him properly down there in the shadows.

LEON looks across at LUCY as she starts talking, but then returns to his previous activity, spotting a man-sized open cabinet with a pair of overalls hanging in it.

LEON whips back to see a throwing star impact the tiles near LUCY. He traces its trajectory back to INANNA.

INANNA is floating in the air, about a yard up. She no longer wears her star pendant. She brandishes her spear at LUCY.

INANNA
I think you'll find your command has lapsed, darling.

LEON loses interest and edges to the cupboard. He's still in the darkness.

He looks back to see the flames around INANNA.

He checks the NINJAs; the NINJAs have reached the floor but don't look our way.

MIX TO:
EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS, YORK - NIGHT

A tent pitched in a field by the river.

A figure pacing in the moonlight, outside the tent.

Reveal it to be STEW.

He looks very nervous and is wringing his hands.

He keeps checking a pocket watch that looks like a powder compact.

INT - TENT - NIGHT

STEW sticks his head through. There in the tent sleep SIMON, MARY and JIMMY. MARY has her arm over JIMMY's sleeping bag. SIMON is faced the other way.

Shot of STEW looking empty.

Torchlights shine through the canvas, and shadows come into focus behind STEW.

EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS - NIGHT

STEW being collared by two cops: QUINNAN and STAMP. There are several other The Bill cops who enter the tent and drag out the three disciples.

A sense of chaos and torchlight.

The four lined up outside the tent, held by police. They struggle and get their hair pulled.

LEON emerges from the darkness. He walks up to STEW and snogs him under a torchbeam.

STAMP nods to his men who release the three cronies. STEW on the other hand is cuffed and pushed along.

A scuffle. The glint of SIMON's knife. A plop of ear-lobe.

SIMON is punched to the ground. QUINNAN holds his ear. He kicks SIMON in the stomach and the police move away with STEW into the darkness.

FADE TO BLACK

FADE UP ON:

EXT - FARGATE - APOCALYPSE

ANT walking, undaunted, along Fargate. All the buildings are toppling behind him as he walks along. Those few pedestrians remaining are fleeing for their lives, but ANT just walks briskly but casually. He checks his watch.

WIPE DOWN TO:


 
 INT - PEACE GARDEN CRYPT - AFTERNOON

JIM_AH, JIM_SP, JIM_DT, ZOE, JOE, NIGEL and ALEX fighting hand-to-hand with NINJAs. LEON is unseen.

LUCY looking pissed off. She holds out her arms to her sides and presses down on nothing, raising her body up into the air.
 

CUT TO:
INANNA, flying up, is nearly at the console.

LUCY kicking off the wall. She hurls her trident at INANNA.

JIM_SD, on the gantry, turns to see INANNA flying up; arms splay as the trident impales out through her chest.

Red blood pours down her front.

Below, more fighting with NINJAs. NINJAs have the upper hand.

This sequence is immaculately choreographed.

INANNA is spiralling down to the ground, past LUCY, who is hovering.

The handle of the trident lodges into one of the slats of the column, wobbling INANNA's corpse in mid-air, and shaking out her red blood to the floor.

Where the NINJAs are still fighting with JIM_AH, JIM_SP, JIM_DT, ALEX, ZOE, NIGEL and JOE.

INANNA's prone form hangs over their heads.

SIDDOR has slipped off the gantry and is clinging to its edge. As is JIM_SD himself.

The TARDIS is suddenly sounding much fitter.

The bolts holding the gantry are giving way. As are SIDDOR and JIM_SD's fingers.

SIDDOR and JIM_SD dangling from the broken gantry.

Beneath them, around the top of the column, materialises a giant doughnut.

SIDDOR and JIM_SD rest their feet.

The gantry breaks away.

PICHOLL swings down from the desk, and joins JIM_SD and SIDDOR on the doughnut.

The gantry falls to the ground, taking out a couple of unlucky NINJAs.

A portion of the doughnut zips open, and out appears GALENA.

She ducks back in and is replaced by JASON.

JASON is wielding a laser-sighted rifle.

He picks off the remaining NINJAs, to the relief of the bruised and knackered party below.

LEON emerges from one of the cupboards, and dusts himself off.

And then, with the zjunging of the Tardis at a crescendo, the lattice woodwork of the core bursts apart, sending wood flying across the room.

LEON leaps out of the way as we bleach out.

FX:

By way of a special effect, a latticework unravels across the screen as a single flexible mesh to create a large board of elongated white rhombi on a black background. Ultimately, after a handful of pleasing transformations, it looks like this:

The above arrangement tilts away as a single structure. This is the Vortex. It is made of shimmering white starlight energy.

At each side materialises a large anchor of matter: on the left, a mock-up of the no-smoking side of the Cask & Cutler PH... a sort of old woman's sitting room thing with a fireplace. On the right, the zjunging Tardis console with the Crystal of Enderon rising up and down.

INT - SITTING ROOM / VORTEX

GALENA, JASON, JIM_SD, SIDDOR, PICHOLL, LEON, ALEX, JIM_SP, NIGEL, JIM_DT, JOE, ZOE and LUCY materialise.

They look around, confused.

To their left, in a large pot, is a pineapple tree. ALAN enters from the right, rubbing his hands.

The pineapple vibrates. It is PERCY:

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

LEON and ALEX exchange glances.

ALAN walks up to PERCY, and puts an affectionate arm around her pot.

ALAN
Percy says Hi.

ANT enters from stage left.

ANT
And you're just in time for the revolution.

LEON discretely checks his watch-face that he keeps in his pocket. He then looks sternly at GALENA who is being all sheepish.

ALEX
This would be an MI7 thing then, would it?

ANT
Partly.

NIGEL
In conjunction with the Pantheon Tosh and the Heaven 17, no doubt.

ALAN
They've both played their parts.
As have we all.

JIM_DT
What's all this about, exactly?

PERCY
Gronda gronda!

ANT
It's about a reappraisal of the dead order.

ALAN
And following the sad and untimely deaths of
Bhuvana, God and Stew, it falls to us to convey
the imperial title upon Empress Percy.

ANT places a quality glass halo over PERCY. The halo hovers in place. And PERCY gives a satisfied

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ANT and ALEX bow before their Empress.

ALEX
Ok. Now what?

PERCY
Gronda gronda!

ANT
Now, by rights, you are cast into the Vortex,
and hence into eternal pain.

LEON
Thank god for that.

ALAN
However, Her Merciful and
Magnanimous Empressness
offers you all a sporting chance.
Beyond the Vortex is the Hell Tardis.
Cross the abyss and you will be free to spend
the remains of your days in the New Afterlife.

ANT
But for every step you take across the grid,
the Empress and Alan will move the invisible Vortex against you.

ALAN
Step on the same node, and...

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ALAN
Gronda gronda.

LEON
Fucking hell.
All this and it comes down to
fucking hopscotch.

PERCY
Gronda gronda.

ANT
Her Magnificence demands the clone go first.

LEON
Does she mean me?
Ok.

He whistles some Shostakovich and casually steps onto one of the first three nodes.

We see the Vortex as some colourful 8-bit graphics, flashing away in Mode 5 at the opposite end of the grid. ALAN crouches over a control panel in front of PERCY, and confers conspiratorially.

LEON picks his way across the Vortex.

He eventually makes it across.

LEON
That was fun.

He touches the control panel and dematerialsies.

LEON
Ooh...

QUANTEL FX TO:
EXT - SIWARD'S HILL, YORK - NIGHT

A light moaning can be heard as we establish this hill, with a military-looking water tower on top.

We move about and see that drilled onto the wall with steel bolts are three naked figures: HANNAH (Annabel Giles), STEW and STEPH (Sarah Lancashire).

All three figures seem to be dead, but the light moaning suggests that at least one of them is still hanging on.

The three crucified are flanked by MOODY and SPILLAINE.

SPILLAINE checks his watch.

Two cowled figures approach MOODY and SPILLAINE.

They have a whispered conversation, and money is exchanged between the right hand figure and SPILLAINE.

The right hand figure turns around and pulls down his cowl, looking down from the hill. It is LEON.

The other figure pulls out a large cordless drill from his cloak. It has an adaption for unbolting large bolts.

He gives it a burst.

He locks the tool onto the bolt through STEW's right wrist and drills.

The bolt unscrews and pops out of the wall, talking STEW's arm with it.

The figure pulls back his hood and wipes sweat from his brow. It is ALEX.

ALEX unbolts STEW's other arm, with LEON supporting STEW's floppy torso.

Then ALEX unbolts STEW's feet.

ALEX and LEON lug STEW down from the wall.

They roll him down the hill and he dematerialises.

They follow the hill down to a puddle and step in, dematerialising themselves.

MOODY and SPILLAINE are looking in the purse of money they've got. SPILLAINE tips it out and counts.

SPILLAINE
Wow. Thirty denarii.

MOODY
Truly this was the son of God.

MIX TO:


INT - PEACE GARDENS CRYPT

INANNA's corpse still hangs splayed out backwards like the man in the harp in the third panel of Garden of Earthly Delights. Only she's on a pitchfork.

The fork is lodged in the remains of the helical wooden lattice. But the lattice column's contents are not there, and nor is the control console. The column is an empty broken shell.

Raining in is the debris of the Novotel saucer, and with it falls blood and gore and bits that are recognisably parts of STEW's body. Several bits of STEW-gore fall into INANNA's gaping mouth.

Spasmodic peristalsis in INANNA's neck. INANNA glows a golden glow.

INANNA begins to wretch in the rain of falling flame, debris and godflesh.
It's also raining.

Enter from the right, ALEX and LEON, dragging a prone but cleaned off STEW. STEW's paws and head are bandaged and he wears the white dress of a God.

STEW looks up.

LEON
Just in time for communion.

STEW
I feel numb.

ALEX
Still?

STEW
Is she going to be the new Lucy then?

ALEX
She and Omra will rotate stewardship
of the new Utopia.

STEW
Oh. You've got it all worked out, haven't you.

LEON
Well it's more a work in progress.

INANNA convulses, clutching her stomach. She lets out a terrifying squeal.

LEON
Should we get her down, do you think?

ALEX
Did we better feed her a bit more Stew first?

He picks up an arm.

LEON
I think that's one of the Toshists.

ALEX picks up another bit of arm.

LEON
Looks more like it.

The rest of this scene is shot from two angles: a disembodied eye belonging to the dead STEW, which is on the floor at a distance and LEON's POV. We intercut as needed.

LEON looks at ALEX who is harvesting bits of the Novotel STEW from the floor. He looks at the other STEW propped up, rigidly, against the wall.

LEON jumps up and tugs INANNA's dress, trying to yank her down.

The pitchfork yaws in its mooring, and INANNA comes crashing down. LEON leaps away out of the way.

LEON looks over at ALEX (oos).

ALEX looks back.

LEON checks that INANNA is not too badly hurt by her impact with earth.

LEON
She's down.

LEON drags INANNA over and removes the trident.

He looks over at ALEX.

LEON
We ready?

He watches ALEX.

ALEX obscures our shot.

He bends down to pick some more STEW up.

He sees us.

He comes over.

He picks our STEW-eye camera up.

ALEX
A-huh.

LEON looks at the red blood on his own hand and wipes it down his trousers.

He picks up a nearby bit of STEW-flesh and drops it INANNA's mouth.

LEON
There you go.
Yum yum.

INANNA involuntarily eats the flesh.

LEON
Good girl.
Feeling better already.

ALEX approaches with his arms full of smouldering bits of STEW.

ALEX
Where's Jim, anyway?

LEON
Maybe he got zapped.

ALEX
Could he not just regenerate?

LEON
We'd not know him if he did.

They start feeding the bits of STEW to INANNA.

LEON
We'll just have to wait and see.

ALEX
Mm.

ALEX wields a big chop at INANNA's mouth. She chomps the flesh from it.

LEON
This better work.

ALEX
If it doesn't, we just go back again.

LEON
Not once the Stargate's sealed.

ALEX
No. I suppose not.

LEON
What I don't get is why we just don't
go back and stop any of this.

ALEX
How much do you wipe out then?

LEON
Mm.

He looks across at STEW, propped against the wall. STEW is flexing his fingers.

STEW sends a pained grin back at LEON.

ALEX pops the eye into INANNA's mouth.

STEW
Now what happens?

INANNA leans up, supporting herself.

ALEX
Hello there.

INANNA
Where's Bessy?


FIZZLE TO:
INT - WORKROOM 7, MARY BADLAND LIBRARY, SHEFFIELD - AFTERNOON

The scene is cut from four POVs: LEON, JIM_CB, ALEX & STEW. The four are sat around a large table. JIM_CB is sat on a plastic-backed red chair. The rest are in canvas-backed red chairs. They are sat in the above order, L-R, backs to the windows.

In front of them stands BABYSHAM. He is somewhat charred. Skin is blistered and peeling away. In places his metallic core glints through. His clothes are smouldering rags.

This is all done in one take, naturally. Occasional glances elsewhere. Particularly STEW with his limited attention span. He spends a lot of time drawing a map on a notepad. It begins with a church a castle and some markets and builds up and out to become a map of Sheffield. It should follow as close as possible the actual development of the city. Where over-build has occurred, STEW just draws the new (or ANS) layout. ALEX also takes notes, on which he occasionally draws pointy teeth and other scary things. JIM_CB takes very occasional notes. LEON doesn't bother.

But mostly we're looking at BABYSHAM. Zoom is controlled remotely, and the actors will have to be directed, probably by earpiece.

Behind BABYSHAM, a Powerpoint display projected onto the wall. It has an Open University backdrop. Text in Arial.  Something like this:

With some effort, Babysham unscrews and pulls out his laser eye. He leaves behind a gaping hole of metal and gore. His eye is about three inches deep, and BABYSHAM holds it and will use it as a laser-pointer throughout.

BABYSHAM
What the fuck is happening.
It's a big question. Perhaps...

He clicks his eye.

CAPTION
A little too big?

BABYSHAM
A little too big.
So we're going to have to break it down a little.

CAPTION
Breaking it down a little:

BABYSHAM
And we can do this by looking at
the motivations of various players in the plot.

BULLET POINT
Motivation

BABYSHAM
Also, we might want to think about:

BULLET POINT
Teamwork

BABYSHAM
What factions are at play here.
Who's on what side, et cetera.
And finally we should consider:

BULLET POINT
Resolution

BABYSHAM
Resolution. How is this all going to play out?
What is the end product going to be,
and is there going to be a market for it.
Ok. So lets take a look at the first ego
involved in all this fancy...

CAPTION
Babysham:

BABYSHAM
Me. Where do I fit in?
What's my role in the organisation?
Well, I'm very much a facilitator.
In more ways than one.
Because there was a fragmentation
of futures within the Stargate.

BULLET
Fragmentation:
(with a little graphic below of Babysham, torn like a photograph)

BABYSHAM
There were, if you like,
two mes doing the rounds.
Babysham One operating
under the influence of the
Über-Deity Bhuvana...

LEFT OF SCREEN
(with the graphic gone)
Bhuvana
|
Babysham 1

BABYSHAM
And Babysham Two
operating the MI7 program.

RIGHT OF SCREEN
M. I. 7
|
Babysham 2

New screen.
A photo of Division Street, showing Rare & Racy, the skate park and an obvious overlay mockup of GOD's car: a 2CV with God grinning through the window.

BABYSHAM
Here we have the scene of God's assassination.
Here is Babysham One...

A smiling head of Babysham appears over the skate park.

BABYSHAM
And here is Babysham Two.

An identical photo, but with a bandaged head, appears over the window of the book shop. Similar portraits appear as Babysham mentions them.

BABYSHAM
Here's Bhuvana, and Stew.
And here are the two Leons.
Who shoot. Bang bang.

God's car and the photo of Bhuvana flip upside down.

BABYSHAM
Killing God and Bhuvana.
Very naughty. But why?

CAPTION
Leon:

BABYSHAM
Let's look at Leon.
Who's he working for at this point?

LEON puts up his hand.

LEON
The Pantheon Tosh.

BULLET
Pantheon Tosh

BABYSHAM
He's working a contract
for the Pantheon Tosh
who are at war with God in Heaven.

CAPTION
Pantheon Tosh:

BABYSHAM
So what are the Tosh
hoping to achieve?

JIM_CB puts up his hand.

JIM_CB
Total domination of Heaven,
and an end to the eternal conflict.

BULLETS
(clicked through successively)
Victory
Control of Heaven
New Order of Afterlife

BABYSHAM
Which they hope to bring about through
a complete re-ordering of the Afterlife.
Why don't they kill Stew at this point?

STEW
They don't think he's a risk?

BABYSHAM
Mmmaybe.

JIM_CB
They don't think Leon
would kill Stew.

LEON
Hah.

BABYSHAM
Alex?

ALEX
Stew's in on it.

BABYSHAM
Right.

BULLET CODA
(in partnership with Stew)

BABYSHAM
But there's more to do than just kill God
and His other enemies. Because God is
merely the figure-head of a three party
faction in Heaven.

New screen: Pie chart. TITLE: Division of Upper House.
Red, 103°, LABEL: Stewists, 12
Yellow, 103°, LABEL: Israelites, 12
Blue, 146°, LABEL: Angels, 17
Black, 7°, LABEL: Godhead, 1

BABYSHAM
Divide and conquer, that's the ploy.
But the Toshists see a better opportunity still:
Take advantage of the growing disquiet of the Angelic Host.
So the Toshists play the game from within, with their trump card:

CAPTION
Che F. Gurdwara:

BABYSHAM
Revolutionary freedom fighter and insurgent,
cum undercover Toshist: Che F. Gurdwara,
who's there to...

BULLET
Ferment Angelic Rebellion
(graphic of a beer barrel, overflowing with foam as an animated gif)

BABYSHAM
...ferment rebellion among the Angels.
He organises a coup to take place while
God is away on state duty.

BULLET
Organise Coup
(graphic of a clucking chicken)

BABYSHAM
The remainder of the Heavenly Council
is wiped out mid-session.
At the same time, the Angels are
fed the information that the Toshists
are planning an assassination.
This helps the Angelic coup's momentum,
and also provides the excuse for an
incursion into Toshist territory.

BULLET
Lead Incursion
(graphic of lead piping from Cluedo, descending as a lever)

LEON
And it prevents the Toshists from having to pay me.

BABYSHAM
The Pantheon Tosh surrender
to a new Angelic hegemony,
but all is not as it seems.
The Angels are led into a false
security, and at their moment of victory,
they are destroyed from within.

BULLET
Execute Heaven 17
(graphic of a Gabriel's head being hanged)

BABYSHAM
Operating under the misguidance of Che,
all seventeen of the Angelic High Command
are present at the surrender of the Toshists.
All seventeen are wiped out in a single volley of fire,
and Toshist insurrection is able to rise unchecked.

CAPTION
New Order:

BULLET
Enacted by Toshists.

BABYSHAM
But the plan is not a hegemony of the Pantheon Tosh.
The massed forces of Heaven would never stand for
such a regime. Rather a New Order is enacted:
A compromise peace, endorsed by the heir
to the Godly Kingdom.

BULLET
Endorsed by Stew.

BABYSHAM
A rule of compromise under the stewardship of
Degar Omra Di Tetsoowt and Lucifer Sarah Michelle Gellar.

BULLET
Sarah and Omra in rotating stewardship.

BABYSHAM
But how can we guarantee Stew's support?

CAPTION
Stew:

BABYSHAM
Stew has plans of his own:
Plans that would see the BeforeLife
brought back under the control of the Godhead;
Plans that would seriously undermine the efforts
being made by the Pantheon Tosh and their allies,
should they come to fruition. Solution?
Nobble Stew's scheme at the first opportunity.

BULLET
Needs nobbling.

BABYSHAM
By signing up to the Deed of Covenant,
Stew is inextricably tied to the Toshist scheme.
He is forced to revise his personal strategy mid-course,
and trash his revolution at an embryonic stage.

BULLETS
Revolt quashed.
Tied to New Order.

BABYSHAM
Of course, this throws up its own problems.
Because Stew has to let his left hand rebel go.

CAPTION
John Barrett:

BABYSHAM
And suddenly we have a rogue rebel in our midsts,
operating closer to Stew's original scheme than we might like.

STEW
Hey, I resent that.
John was always a bit of a live wire.
I had difficulty reining him in at the best of times.

BULLETS
Live wire.
Needs reining in.

BABYSHAM
Whatever the details may be,
as far as this project is concerned,
John's primary interest is in the maintenance
of Stew's power-base in Heaven, where
the Stewist lobby is gaining sway.
Fortunately for John he is absent
on mission when the Coup wipes
out the Heavenly Council.

BULLET
Survives coup.

BABYSHAM
His concern now is to warn Stew
and to organise the retaking of Heaven.
To this end, John must activate the three remaining
Guardians of the Godly Throne who will provide
the escort for Stew on his triumphant return to Heaven.

BULLET
Activate Guardians.

BABYSHAM
Were this to come about, the Toshist plan
would be in tatters. Fortunately, a contingency was
provided for just such an eventuality.

Back to LEON page, as before. We add:

BULLET
With Jim, establish diversion.

BABYSHAM
Leon and Jim establish a cosmic diversion
to distract and hold the activated guardians.
But if one guardian were to reach Stew
with the news of the coup and the means
to execute his Godhead, Stew would be
obliged to reclaim his seat in Heaven
and powerless to prevent a terrible vengeance.

STEW
Why?

BABYSHAM
Because you would be a pawn
in the program of the Guardian.

STEW
Oh. That's not very omnipotent.

BABYSHAM
It is your Father's last will.

STEW
The arsehole.

BABYSHAM
Yes.

Back to the STEW page.

BABYSHAM
To be sure that this doesn't happen,
the Toshists escort Stew to a safehouse.
Only to find one of the guardians waiting for them.

CAPTION
Babysham:

BULLETS
Created by John as a Guardian-in-potentia.
Activated by John.

BABYSHAM
Yes, kids. It's me.
And being an efficient sole,
I do my prime duty and greet my master.

BULLET
Reaches Stew.

BABYSHAM
The Toshist plot is effectively destroyed.
But they are about to be saved by their covert rivals.

CAPTION
Babysham 2:

BABYSHAM
Because here is the other me,
as programmed by MI7.

BULLET
Programmed by MI7

BABYSHAM
Locked into me are several
contingencies for their own scheme
of total control of the Afterlife.
For instance, if Stew meets a guardian,
I am to destroy both.

BULLETS
To kill Stew
To kill Guardians

BABYSHAM
And being an efficient sole,
I do my duties and dispatch them swiftly.
The Toshist plan is back on line,
with one snag: No Stew.
But the Stargate is open,
and the opportunity is there
to retrieve an earlier example.

Back to the STEW page.

BABYSHAM
A deal is cut with the earlier Stew,
and he is retrieved to conduct the New Order.

BULLETS
Compromise campaign
Retrieved for plot

BABYSHAM
Throughout, we have seen that the
Toshist strategy is being dogged by
an alternate masterplan: That of MI7.

CAPTION
M. I. 7:

BABYSHAM
It was MI7 who opened the Stargate,
with the prime motive of rescuing Alan
from the Afterlife. Now they have a new plan:
To reorganise the Afterlife under their own command.

BULLET
Reorganizing Afterlife to own spec.

BABYSHAM
And how do they intend to do this? By taking advantage
of the Toshist plot and establishing the remaining heir
to the Godly Throne as a puppet ruler.

A new screen: an image of PERCY.

BABYSHAM
Gronda gronda.
Their plan is going well
until sub-standard detective Picholl
inadvertently activates the Hell Tardis.

CAPTION
Hell Tardis:

BABYSHAM
Still, all is not yet lost. For the Tardis
is missing an important component.

CAPTION
Missing component.

BABYSHAM
Without it, the Tardis cannot move,
and will simply shake itself apart:
a set-back but not a nightmare for MI7.
But the Toshists have a new ally:
For in reviving Alex to assist in
the defence of Heaven, John becomes
a party to the strategy for a New Order...

JOHN's page.

BABYSHAM
...and seeing Stew's role in events,
diverts his efforts to its support.

BULLET
Accepts Toshist scheme.

BABYSHAM
Witnessing the destruction of Hell,
John sets off on a new time loop
to locate the missing component,
and returns to the Tardis
with the Crystal of Enderon.

BULLET
Locates Crystal of Enderon.

BABYSHAM
With the crystal in place,
the Tardis opens up the Vortex to visitors,
saving Hell from certain destruction,
and foiling MI7's plans. But the
Toshist conspiracy is also damaged.

Portrait shot of LUCY.

BABYSHAM
Lucifer is vapourised in the Vortex.
And with her is lost the continuity of rule in Hell.
Fortunately, with Lucifer's mental suitabilities
previously under question, Alex has already
been grooming an appropriate successor
in the form of the Goddess Inanna.

CAPTION
Inanna:

BABYSHAM
To provide suitable grounds for succession,
Inanna must kill and supplant Lucifer in the
time-honoured way. But she fails and is herself...

BULLETS
(clicked through quickly)
Fails to supplant Lucy
Mortally wounded

BABYSHAM
...mortally wounded.
However, here is a second opportunity
to seal the succession. For Inanna
can be revived with a rather
unconventional medicine:
The still warm flesh of a Resurrection God.
Luckily, there's one on hand
in the form of the dead Stew.

BULLET
Resurrected by Stew.

BABYSHAM
And by consuming the flesh of Stew,
Inanna is absorbed into the Heavenly Corpus.

BULLET
Absorbed into Godhead.

BABYSHAM
She and Omra can now legally
assume their posts, as sanctioned by Stew.
And now the New Order is in place.
MI7's plot is defeated, and all that
remains is to hold the funeral for
the late God Yahweh, and His trusty
moo-cow, Bessy.

Upside down photo of BESSY.

BABYSHAM
Any questions?

LEON
I think you're significantly undererstimating
the importance of the stargate in all of this...

JIM
What about me?
Why did I end up in that prison cell
after my return from the vortex?

JIM's last line is interrupted by a loud thud from behind them.

STEW
What was that?

Everyone turns to the windows. The view is digitally manipulated: there are no other University buildings, and Eccleshall Road is not built up beyond. Rather there is an unadulterated view to the General Cemetery and its buildings. On the window itself is the grease and dust imprint of a pigeon's wings. Some of the better angled views will have seen the pigeon strike the window, or at the very least seen it slump down. Another pigeon impacts. And then another and another. The window gets increasingly smeared with wing-oil and pigeon brains as a whole swarm of pigeons flies at us.

LEON
They've got no feet.

He's right. They've got no feet. Just stumpy legs.

Looking out through the window. The onslaught, which consisted of twelve pigeons in total, has ended.

Hold on the view of greenery.

FADE TO BLACK.
We hear the first stabs of Cilla Black's "You're My World"

Full credits begin to roll up into shot.

Underneath, we...

MIX UP TO:
EXT - 80B BUS - EARLY EVENING

...just as Cilla starts to sing we reveal a fairly clapped out First bus. It is travelling along a country lane. The matrix sign flickers into life as it approaches. It reads: 80B SHEFFIELD CITY CENTRE.

CILLA (vo)
You‘re my world: you‘re every breath I take;

MIX TO:
INT - 80B BUS - CONT.

LEON is the only passenger. We don't dwell on the driver, suffice it to say that it is CHRIS.
LEON is sat at a window, staring whistfully outside, his arm resting along the bottom of the window.

You‘re my world:

He turns his haid across to look beyond an opposite window.

You're every move I make.

MIX TO:
EXT - 80B BUS

As the bus travels along the road, buildings assemble themselves like vector scenery in a creaking computer-game.
They are the buildings of Eccleshall Road, and we are heading into town. The buildings are at their most built when adjacent to the bus, fragmenting at equal distances radially. 100 yards or so away may be half-built, 200 yards a quarter built, 300 nothing. These are rough figures.

MIX TO:
INT - 80B BUS

LEON looking up at the view.

Other eyes see the stars

EXT - 80B BUS

Cranes, rapidly assembled, work on a block of flats at high speed. They swing about as things rise, pixel-by-pixel. All the while, the credits continue. There is no traffic at any time, except the bus itself.
 
 

Up in the skies,

INT - 80B BUS (you get the idea)

LEON looking whistful still, perhaps his reflection in the glazing.

But for me they shine within your eyes.

As we reach St Mary's Gate roundabout, we see the civil engineering of the subways etc. growing out of the ground. Trees are part of the arrangement. As the bus rounds the gyratory, intercut with LEON looking out the window.

As the trees reach for the sun above,
So my arms reach out to you for love;

The bus travels down Moore Street. On the right, an extravagantly decorous building (Pickering & Sons) that looks like it should be in Manchester. Since the roundabout, all constructed buildings remain in situ rather than decaying again. Beyond the Mancunian building, we see the Manpower ziggurat build up into the sky.

With your hand resting in mine,

Meanwhile, on the other side of the road, the brutalist electricity sub-station rises up.

I feel a power so divine:

At the top of the sub-station stairwell, behind murky glass, ALEX, OMRA, INANNA and CHE_F stand, overlooking their new Hell. ALEX turns and heads down the stairs as we pass by / crane beyond.

You‘re my world:

The bus drives over a camera, allowing a cut to a chacing angle. We concentrate more on the bus again.

You are my night and day;

Inside, LEON still sits and stares.
Outside, we follow the bus right onto Fitzwilliamgate, where Picholl was earlier.
The bus follows a route along Cumberland Street and Eyre Street. Buildings assemble along the way. Intercut with the interior.

You‘re my world: you‘re every prayer I pray.

Insert a shot of CHRIS driving the bus, then back to the journey.

If our love ceases to be
Then it‘s the end of my world for me.

MIX TO:
MONTAGE:
A series of dreamy clips melt together:
Ep0: JIM_CE, STEW, CHRIS, ALEX and LEON in the kitchen.
Ep2: LEON, JIM_CE, ALEX, STEW, LUCY (SARAH) and ALANA in Heaven.
Ep3: JIM_FS, ALEX, STEW and LEON at Chocobloc.
Ep5: JIM_FS, ALEX, LEON, STEW and CAROLINE in the Red Lion.
Ep9: Shot of LEON swinging the shovel over the camera.
MIX TO:
EXT - 80B BUS - SUNSET

As the bus travels along Pond Street, the Sheffield Hallam buildings literally rise up on either side. We crane with the right flank to take in the Epic Centre and the city centre beyond. It is now beginning to snow.

With your hand resting in mine,
I feel a power so divine:

As the music reaches its zenith, the bus comes to a halt outside the subway Bessy charged through.
New angle as it sets off again. It pulls away revealing LEON, who sets across the empty road.

You're my world: you are my night and day;
You're my world: you're every prayer I pray;

LEON comes to the bottom of a flight of steps. The old (pre-Archway Centre) bus-station stands before him, with its bridge to the Epic Centre. But the street layout is as it is today. LEON is stood in front of a superloo coin-op toilet thing. Its door is open, but the interior is darkness and largely occluded by LEON.

If our love ceases to be

The credit roll passes out of view at last.
LEON takes one last good look around him. So do we. Soaring crane-shots. Park Hill provides our last horizon.

Then it's the end of my world...
End of my world...

He steps into the toilet.

End of my world...

The door dzjungs closed behind him. On the door, smeared in vivid blood, a large "X".

...For me.

The toilet dematerialises.
Higher angles.
The buildings crumple in on themselves, as does the scenery on which they stand. As the music wraps up, only darkness and silence remain.

THE END.