Blood and mercury seep across the screen and congeal in the caption: "ANS X". The white limbo of the background then flares through the lettering and we white out again.


We mix to an overcast sky. We tilt down to see the lovely little sheepies munching on yummy-looking grass.

After an appropriate delay, one of the sheep explodes. A half-beat later, another goes, then another, and within a second or two the lot have blown up, showering wool and lamb-chops across the entire scene.

Without us realising, the shot has seamlessly split into two halves (merged together at the centre in a computer). The two halves now pan away from each other.

We have a long pan (135°) left to reveal (a beat or two after the right half), in the shade of an outcropped cave entrance, ALEX, bent (evilly) over a cartoon-style dynamite-plunger (the wire going off into the grass). 
Lot of sub-clauses in that sentence. Could've drafted it better. Anyway...

ALEX comes out of the shade of his position, and walks towards the left of shot, stepping carefully through any large bits of sheep. 
We pan with him.
He shouts to someone out of shot, left (just ahead of OMRA's line in the opposite frame):

That was fun!

We have a shorter pan right, c.90°, to reveal, at the side of a large rock, OMRA and ATOO, covered in sheep-guts. 
OMRA flicks away bits of intestine. Under the guts he wears white silk oriental pyjamas.
ATOO opens his lid, and a garden sprinkler rises up. It showers the little robot bin with water. The water splashes more on OMRA's leg than anywhere else. 
OMRA looks a little peeved. 
As they step towards the right of frame, they leave behind a bloodless silhouette on the rock. We pan with them; ATOO falls behind the pan and out of shot (left).

OMRA shouts to someone out of shot, right:

We weren't ready!
The pan reveals OMRA and moves off ALEX. The two shots cross angle to achieve this. There is a distant rocky outcrop at the centre-point which both pass simultaneously.

By virtue of this cross-pan, the two frames have now reunified.

The pan reveals ALEX and moves off OMRA. The two shots cross angle to achieve this. There is a distant rocky outcrop at the centre-point which both pass simultaneously.

By virtue of this cross-pan, the two frames have now reunified.

So now ALEX is at the right of shot, facing OMRA who is to the left of shot. The scene is getting ominously dark, but not night.

I got a bit eager...

The left frame now cuts to a shot of ATOO putting away his sprinkler and reaching OMRA's heel. He bangs into OMRA's leg as if badly controlled. The right frame holds on its shot of ALEX looking like he's had a lot of fun. He's surveying the carnage and enjoying every minute of it.
Dissolve to a shot of a blank grey sky. Then some lightening flashes through. ALEX inhales as the scene is lit up by lightening, out of shot.

I love the smell of lanolin on fire.

The thunder rattles. It is tremendously loud. As it does so, we tilt down to reveal this sky to be over a new setting:


The Wicker Arches in near-sillhoette. Establish. Rain.

A fully lit double-decker bus comes at us from under the bridge. Its destination is SHEFFIELD CITY CENTRE. It runs over the camera and blacks out the scene.

Cut to ATOO, who whistles and trembles.

A heavy downpour begins to fall, with large drops of rain pinging off ATOO's metal dome.

OMRA's hand pats ATOO's dome, releasing rivulets of blood that wash down the side.

ATOO does a sad downward swannee whistle, like a maudlin clanger. Wipe downwards:

Back to quartered screen:
At the moment, we retain a full half of the screen, as we fade up on:


We are in a '40s style private detective's office. It's reminiscent of Babysham's office, but much more universally retro. There's no computer here, for instance.

There's a frosted glass wall at the left rear, and the windows read (backwards) "N. J. PICHOLL - PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR". It has a venetian blind hung in it.

We pan and pull out, across the desk, to reveal a pair of feet on the desk, and a pair of legs stretching back into a chair. The chair has its back to us.

A blurry shadow beyond the glass begins to focus against the door.

The wipe is slow enough to preserve the prospect of a half/half screen, before:


We're in a high vantage point, probably on the Peel House walkway, looking out across West Bar. Establishing shot of the "Woollens for Signs" red neon ensemble flickering in the distance in the pouring rain. An identical double-decker to the one that was in LEFT passes by in the foreground, obscuring the shot.


A tree in the top left, in silhouette. The moon peeks out from heavy yellow clouds, and the scene brightens. To the right, the lit up medieval settlement of Certain Death. Beyond, up the hill, the silhouette of Conisbrough Castle, also internally lit.
It is throwing it down with rain. Plus occasional thunder/lightning.

Two figures occlude the shot before dashing, coats over their heads, into the town. We follow at a discrete distance.

We maintain the shot in this frame, which consists of the top of the room, with the top half of the door at centre right. The sharp shadow of a woman at the door.  Cut to a ECU shot of PICHOLL (Jarvis Cocker) who is sat with his eyes shut. The shadow at the door darkens his face, which is barred by the shadows of the venetian blind. We use the passing bus to cut to a shot from across the road. The bus moves out of the way to reveal a low-angle gothic shot of the Sheffield Police Station. Lightening flashes at the same time as that in TOP RIGHT, X-raying the radio mast on the roof, and providing a bit of atmosphere. Maintain the shot as the figures disappear into town. More lightening.
The door opens. The woman is still in silhouette from the light of the room beyond.  Light scuds across PICHOLL's face from the open doorway. He opens his eyes. Thunder over the cut to a shot from within the street. Use Chipping Camden. Everyone else does. It is sodden. The figures splash towards us along the street.
She steps into the room, but is still hard to make out. The only light source in here is a desk lamp. Cut to a tracking shot around the front of the desk (in the opposite direction to the travel of light in the previous shot), as we get our first proper view of PICHOLL. He is stretching his arm back to flick a wall-switch behind him, though it is too dark for us to know this explicitly.
Move to an angle showing enough of the entrance that we know where we are, as a figure dashes across the road in the rain. He is stooping, with his coat up around his neck, and seems to be carrying something inside his coat. The moon is reflected in line with the moon in TOP RIGHT, but is not seen in any sky that may be visible. They reach and pass over us. The moon is reflected in the growing puddle close to us. As is another flash of lightning which serves as a bleach-out.
Note: - Any lightning in the BOTTOM LEFT is mirrored in this frame, via the window.

A series of strip-lights, above, flicker into being, illuminating the woman gradually -- but sufficiently to make for a contrast and for us to identify her as CAROLINE (Heather Nova).

Her hair is in a '40s perm style. She wears a long, Italianate, camel-hair coat. Beneath this she wears a broad-collared cream-yellow silk blouse, and a red-brown, woollen, full-length A-line skirt. She has '80s basic white plastic jewellery on that in the half-light will appear to be pearls. Any further accessories should combine late '40s and early '80s styles. 

In her mitts is a small carpet bag, which she is dipping into. She should not stoop as she does this, but instead maintain a statuesque pose.


Shot of an olde inne from below. Something creaks in the wind and rain. Lightning illuminates, where a pub sign should be, an effigy of a man, half sized, hanging by the leg from a gallows assembly that sticks out from the top of the tudor gable.

Pull out to show a window, through which we see a normal sort of pub atmosphere. There are sundry old men playing dominoes or talking at the bar. They drink pints from glasses. There are dogs. It's an old fashioned sort of pub but hardly sinister. Most patrons keep to their own groups and there is no singing or music of any kind, just the general ambient row of a busy pub, as heard through a window.

A figure obscures shot from behind, and enters the building through a porch. The outer door is open, the inner is closed. 

Closer angle of the entrance, as the figure approaches and pushes at the door. INT - MENTAL HOSPITAL - NIGHT

It is brightly lit in flickery white strip-lighting.

Shot down a dismal corridor.

Squeaking of a trolley, distant.

A trolley with a body on it scuds round a corner at the far end of the corridor, at a 45° angle. It is followed closely by a PORTER (Phil Oakey). He has a daft half-long/half-short haircut, and a lot of makeup. He wears a big blue overcoat, and '80s walkman headphones (orange ears and a silver headband). On his feet he wears black slingbacks with kitten heels. He chews pink bubble-gum. It must be the early '80s.

PORTER pushes the trolley with skilful abandon, letting it run freely on occasion, and making use of its momentum glide.

She draws something from the bag, but we cut to a shot of PICHOLL sitting up and sliding his chair towards us/her.

I want them found.

As we atmospherically pan and establish the pub, we see, through the window, the figure (WILD ANDREW (Nigel Havers)) go round the back of the bar and whisper to the BARMAN (Bill Bailey). INT - POLICE LOBBY - CONT.

Establish with appropriate posters about the place. The door is in shot, with the figure, now increasingly identifiable, stepping through into the dry. It is CHE_F (Art Malik), a Turkish fast-food vendor. He is wearing a white overcoat turned brown by blood-stains, and grey by rain. His knackered demeanour suggests the blood is his, but this need not be the case. On his head is a wilting chef's toque. He is unshaven and very wet.

The PORTER wheels the trolley towards us along the long corridor.

Note -- We'll cut in usual close-ups of trolley wheels, and obligatory POV of ceiling passing overhead as appropriate. There is no chaos though. It is a single porter pushing a single trolley.

The closer he gets, the more we get shots of the trolley's contents. It is a body zipped up in a bodybag.

Shot of CAROLINE handing PICHOLL a photo. We can't see who of.

'Sup? Babysham not in?

The place was boarded up.
You were next in the book.

We zoom into the window, as the BARMAN rings a bell as if to call time.

(barely audible through glass)

Two patrons appear from the sides of the window, and close up the shutters. 

He shakes himself off and approaches a counter, where the POLICEWOMAN from earlier is slumped in boredom and uniform. She sees CHE_F and steps away from the counter.

CHE_F digs into his coat. Shot of the desk. A dead and bloody pheasant thwacks down onto it. 

When we exhaust the first corridor we move on to other corridors. The more Tarkovsky the corridors the better. Lots of peeling paint and dripping damp.
Never used to be.

He puts down the photo.

I'm happy to take on the case,
but I'll need more to go on
than a photo. 


Bottom frames combine. We shoot at 90 degrees to the previous Certain Death shot in BOTTOM LEFT, such that the pub stands at the very edge of the left of frame, denoted by the dangling effigy above the door. The Market Hall in the middle of Chipping Campden High Street is in the centre of the shot. Rain slices down into the street, which we have covered in that grey gravely mud, or similar. Consequently there are potholes and puddles. Shoot to look as ancient and menacing as possible.

As we maintain this angle, we notice two figures sheltering beneath the Market Hall. 

From out of shot, PICHOLL receives a ring-binder from CAROLINE. He opens it.

This seems thorough.

Punctuate / illuminate with lightning. During the lightening burst we have a couple of quick cuts to a close-up of the two, who are animatedly debating something. The cuts are slower than subliminal, but quick enough to disorientate and confuse the viewer. We will gain little substantial information from them as we return to the wide angle for a beat. The PORTER enters a door marked MORTUARY, and we stay outside.
CU of CAROLINE looking pensive/sinister. 
Hold this angle while the other side melts away. We melt away, returning to the close-up, but framed as before, such that the left portion is now lost.

Now that we can see it properly, we see that the right-hand figure, the only one now in shot, is LEON.

He wears fake sideburns, and is peering over a pair of black '50s sunglasses, at the other character who is out of shot, left. He is very wet, and his sidies are starting to peel off. His hair is a collapsed and drenched quiff, and he is beardless. He is chewing something.


We are outside a bar on the prom down from Mablethorpe. Shoot to incorporate the sand of the beach, but not the sea. We will need to consult tide tables in advance to find an evening when there's some sand to look at.

MARY, STEW and a ginger JOHN are sat on the sea defences, drinking from bottles of Israeli lager. An illuminated green HOME ALES sign is above the bar behind them, but with HOME ALES written in Hebrew. 

Adoring crowds are sat around the three: on the wall, on the tables behind them, and below the sea wall, on the beach. Some are still eating chips. STEW is eating garlic-flavoured Seabrook crisps.

It is a breezy night.

Dialogue for this scene is in Aramaic, with English subs.


An extravagant crane shot starting high above so as to show the circular form of the building in all its Albert Hall glory. 

The two figures walk left, pulling their coats over their heads. He walks out of shot, left, bringing his coat over his head.
And he opens his eyes and says "Thanks a bunch. I was just getting it on with the Queen of Sheba"!
We crane down in a pleasant arc and touch down in the road, opposite the entrance.  They emerge from the shelter and dash through the rain to the pub. EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN - DAWN

This is a mock-up of the roof garden of the now demolished Sheffield Town Hall Extension. The THX was a beautiful hexagon-based egg-box thing, and on the top was a lawn. We've done a spot of gardening beyond that that existed under the council's auspices.

Our initial shot is of a stripey lawn. Not as ECU as Blue Velvet, but start quite close and pull out. The lawn is being watered, and the camera pulls back through the shower of an as yet unrevealed watering can. Consequently, it looks, for now, like rainfall. This effect is assisted by the rainfall in Bottom Left.

The dog bits are still there. Cut back to the pub establish. The figures enter the porch and shake their heads about. The figures are:

JAM-JAR (Derek Griffiths). He has green dreadlocks, and the parts of his skin closest to his hair are shaded green too. His eyes are mirrored rounded ovals. His lips are glossed orange and are in a constant grin.

He wears a long inflatable coat covered in chestnut brown felt and gold lame trim. The coat is inflated. Under this he wears a tiny light brown felt waistcoat that is too small to do up. Under that he wears a tartan tabard-dress in the ancient Armstrong tartan, with a neon yellow / orange / gold bum-bag over the front as a sporran. On his legs he wears orange and green punk tights, and big boot-trainers with neon trim. The trainers are untied and pulled open. Add to this any gaudy accessories as required. Cheap plastic and gold. In addition to all that, from the bum-bag belt, at the rear, hangs an aluminium shaft, about 2ft long and 2in diameter. And over his ears he wears '80s orange foam and thin metal head-band headphones connected to some hidden walkman.

The second figure is LEON. We've already described his face, so let us do his wardrobe. He wears a conventional biker's leather jacket (a little longer than convention; it should cover his arse), white oil-smeared t-shirt, and torn jeans. 

Both characters are sodden.

Laughter. One of the extras behind them squeezes in, proffering a bit of paper which STEW duly autographs.

This beer is like weasel waz.


JAM-JAR presses on the inner door but applies no real pressure. He looks back to LEON.
(to extra)
We now track into the building, over the dog. INT - SNICKLEWAY - NIGHT

We are in the Snickleway pub in York. There is a mezzanine effect here from when the ceiling fell in once. 

The pub is the same one we saw through the window, but now appears somewhat more sinister. The old men are beardier and wartier and redder. They drink foaming cider from huge tankards. The dogs are bigger and hairier too, but they are the same dogs with hairpieces attached to them. They have been groomed to look more threatening than they are. 

The domino game is still on, but the domino set looks more sinister, and they're using a voodoo-like cribbage board (all bones and pins) to score.

The BARMAN is hanging up some Blair-Witch inspired corn dollies in the bar. 

An old woman operates a spinning wheel in a corner. Other old women smoke pipes and cluck. 

WILD ANDREW stands in a corner, playing I'm Just an Old Fashioned Girl on a harmonium. He wears a fake beard and a fair-isle sweater, and is smoking a pipe.

One or two midgets have been added to the mix of (entirely white and 50+) clientele, and there is a degree of bawdy merrymaking in action. The place is in a full but somewhat self-conscious swing when the door opens.

The pull-out reveals the watering can.

As we pull out further, we see that the watering can is being operated by UTU (Mark Steel). 

UTU wears the brown overcoat of a caretaker, beneath which are slightly baggy jeans and a black velour jumper, or maybe a checked shirt or something if it's warm. His clothes should be characteristically mid '90s, but not overly so.

He is a council lackey of some kind, and seems spectacularly bored. He handles the can in a lazy and rather desultory fashion. 

His initial position should be facing us, with the can lolling from a weakly held right arm, slightly camp and strangely statuesque. 

The sun is rising from behind Park Hill. It creates an occasional rainbow effect in the water from the can, and all is bathed in the orange of sunrise.

(to Mary)
I can liven it up a bit if you like.

Go for it.

He waves his free hand at her bottle.


As we enter the building, the change in light intensity is sufficient to black out the shot.
As JAM-JAR and LEON tentatively enter, the throng of patrons come to a far from sudden stop. It's all a bit of a mess as dramatic silences go, and the two interlopers should be almost at the bar before they realise anything is amiss. After holding this pose for a moment or too, UTU is now free to wander the garden, watering hither and thither. 

We follow from various positions.

STEW (cont)
Barley wine.
(to John)

Zap it, daddy-o.



A blinding high-contrast shot of the glass domed roof. 

JAM-JAR looks around the place nonchalantly. He assumes that his attire is the cause of the silence. He is used to this sort of reaction and dishes out a few snide grins.

Meanwhile, LEON squeezes up to the bar, surveying the pumps. Note that all dialogue in this scene is badly dubbed, and we will actually have the actors saying something completely different on set to facilitate this.

As the scene goes on we reveal more and more of our environment. It should not have been instantly recognisable as a roof garden, let alone a specific location. By the end of the scene, a person who knows Sheffield should have a moderately good idea as to where we are. But what is key is that we establish this as a roof garden and, to an extent, an identifiable location.
Nice one.

Another autograph hunter gets STEW's scrawl. We don't study it.

Tilt down past the rectangular block of glazing. 
A pint of Sunwobbler please, landlord.

JAM-JAR approaches his colleague, squeezing beside him. BARMAN is pulling some foul pale-green liquid into a tankard.

JAM-JAR speaks to BARMAN in a Jamaican accent:

A "POV" shot of the sun setting over the dunes (no sea in sight). Add a little post-production heat-haze.
We are shooting from the mezzanine, and so keep tilting past the horizontal.
Wat is dis place?

(in a West Country accent)
This be the Merry Coggler. Will you be 'avin' a drink as well, zir?

Um... a rum, plea.

The BARMAN groans. 

A shot of water sprinkling onto the mud of an unflowering flower bed.
Tilt up to reveal the trunk of a lime tree. Continue to the top, pulling out until the whole tree is in frame. 

Pan around the tree. 


STEW signs another autograph. MARY cleans out her nails. JOHN is lounging and looking at the sky.

We have a couple of closer shots of MARY and JOHN.

The tilt reveals, in the dead centre of the hall's otherwise empty floor, the green and white TARDIS. He plonks the tankard before LEON, spilling some of the frothy washing-up liquid contents. The pan reveals INANNA (Claudia Winkleman), polishing the tree's leaves. It is evident that she cares for the tree much more than UTU does.

She wears a black velvet sheath dress with some length to it, and black ankle boots with chunky heels. Around her neck is a black cord on which hangs, at her middle, a chunky metal star with eight points (the tines are fairly stubby). She also wears a lot of chunky silver bangles, and fairly dark makeup. There is a thin silver belt around her waist. 

Like UTU, INANNA's fashion should be about ten years out of date, so resist the temptation to overdo the '80s retro. It needs to be '90s retro while at the same time being a somewhat classical ensemble.

Close shot of MARY. She looks up.

How's it going to end?


JIM_SD emerges from an entrance to the hall at the top of shot (we should be looking near to straight down) and walks steadily to the TARDIS.

LEON emerges from the opposite end a moment later, and makes the same determined walk, but that bit faster so as to coincide their meeting at the centre.

He gets a bottle of rum from the back cabinet. It is really very old. Georgian, in fact. He dusts it off and pours out a measure in another tankard.

As he does that, LEON and JAM-JAR look about, surveying in close-up some of the scenes we mentioned in the exposition. Both seem comfortable but on-edge as they lean with their backs to the bar.

A look of concern on INANNA's face.

Shot of her fingering a leaf that has clearly been nibbled.


STEW looks up from signing yet another autograph. We don't see who for yet.


Utu is enjoying the view of the city.


Something is eating of the tree.

Mm... Right you are, Inanna...
MARY fingering her nails again.
Three yizzles.

LEON tosses some washers onto the bar. The BARMAN scoops them up scornfully.

Still the pub is (for the most part) silently watching.

Scanning shot of the tree... intercut with INANNA's face to establish POV. We catch a slight movement above. Pause. More movement.

Hold on this. Closer angle. 

There you go. Be good now.

STEW passes the signed paper to the autograph hunter: ALEX, dressed as he was in Episode 6. ALEX smiles an evil grin and pockets the paper.

It's going to end badly, isn't it.

The two reach the TARDIS and steadily walk around it, anti-clockwise. LEON still walks quicker.

JIM-SD will do 2 laps. LEON will do 1½ laps. Both in the same space of time.


The two sip their drinks. Reveal GILBERT THE GECKO (a gecko) scurrying along a branch and into a hole in the tree. JOHN looking away to his left (our right).
LEON's face scrunches up tightly. 

JAM-JAR's is a picture of near-erotic pleasure, but he is interrupted mid-drink by a nudge to the arm, which causes some of the spirit to drip down his chin.

The nudger is MAD EDWARD (Jude Law), who wears a miller's smock and a big ginger beard. He grunts something unintelligible and guttural at JAM-JAR. 

INANNA screws up her face.

It's a Gecko.

Is it..?


Disinterested, UTU continues his half-hearted watering.

STEW signing another autograph.

He comes back into the conversation.

(in English - no sound)
Is it..?

(in English - no sound)

STEW downs his drink.

JAM-JAR ignores him but the action is repeated. JAM-JAR tries to let it pass. But CRAZY GREGORY (Angus Deayton), a man in a blacksmith's leather apron, tugs at JAM-JAR's sleeve. 

The tug is of sufficient strength to puncture the coat which will gently deflate with a quiet hiss throughout the rest of the scene.

CRAZY GREGORY leans across.

How do we get rid of a Gecko?


You're not taking this seriously.

I suppose not.

Damned Geckos.

Shot of JOHN clasping his hands impatiently.

(in Aramaic - no sound)

JOHN takes one.

(in English - no sound)
You're not taking this seriously.

(in English - no sound)
I suppose not.

(in Aramaic - no sound)
Damned good crisps.

Cut to a view of the front (JIM_SD's side) of the TARDIS. The two of them have reached the door together.
He don't like you.

Mesa sorry.

She tiptoes up to the hole, which is only a little crack, and prods at it with a cotton bud she produces from behind her ear. MARY, shaking her head, looks impatiently to her right (our left).
JIM_SD raises a yale key.

You ready for this?

LEON shrugs a resigned shrug.

JAM-JAR isn't sorry. He turns to try to make conversation with LEON, who is observing the scene.

I don't like you either.

GECKO (off)

INANNA tiptoes again, and puts her face up to the hole.

Sunset shot, with the silhouette of ALEX walking over the dunes and away from us.
JIM_SD steps up to the door of the TARDIS and sets about opening it with the key. JAM-JAR steps up off the bar, and turns to face him, prepared for the confrontation. He tilts his head as if to say "don't be a tosser". INT - LIME TREE

Reverse angle. GILBERT sits (only mildly anthropomorphically) in a luxurious Chip'n'Dale style living-space, illuminated by a small log-fire. INANNA's eye peers in, all King Kong like.

Neon flicker-up to reveal:


The trolley from earlier lies empty. A MORTICIAN (Martin Fry) in white lab-coat and greasy hair, straightens out the body on a mortuary cabinet drawer.

Broad high shot of JIM_SD stepping in through the now open door. LEON doesn't move. CRAZY GREGORY whips out a bike-pump from behind his apron. It is made of wrought iron, and once extended it glows orange like hot metal. It is a pretty snazzy piece of kit, and he wields it as people make space. The pump omits a novel hum. EXT - THX ROOF GARDEN

CU of UTU looking on, bemused. Park Hill runs across the horizon behind him. The sun is behind his head, and creates an orange radiating halo effect.

He writes something on the cabinet paperwork, and slips it in the drawer window.
Come on, then.

LEON tentatively follows in.

JAM-JAR steps back, startled. He tugs at the aluminium tube on his belt and brings it out in front of him in both hands.  He turns his head and looks out, 90° to the camera, keeping the sun behind him. He breathes like he's peeing, and his breath is visible in the cool of morning. He potters about with some stuff on a desk area opposite the cabinets. He finds a watch there and reads the time from it. We don't.
He presses some sort of trigger button and a large amount of water pours onto the floor, released from the lower end of the shaft.  Shot past his legs. He's taken off the rose head from the watering can, and so we see a steady trickle of water into the bushes. We don't see the can. He writes something else on the paperwork and replaces it in the drawer window.
CRAZY GREGORY swings at the shaft, which slices in two at the impact.  Reverse angle, wider, with UTU and the can in shot. Beyond, INANNA is straining up over the tree with a hi-tech bow and arrow -- all counterweights and crosshairs like they have at the Olympics or what have you. The arrow is trained on the Gekko's hole.  He unzips the bag slightly to reveal the dead head of JIM_SP (Sean Pertwee) complete with grey perm wiggery.
He shuts the door behind himself.

Cut to the door close-up.
LEON doesn't sneck the door. He opens it again, takes a good look around as if saying goodbye, then finally resigns himself to the forthcoming enterprise and shuts the door with a bang that coincides with the gunshot in BOTTOM LEFT.

One half falls to the ground with a tinkle.

Behind this, we see that LEON is unimpressed. As CRAZY GREGORY makes his swipe, LEON reaches into his inside pocket and casually draws out a pistol which he uses to shoot CRAZY GREGORY.

She holds her uncomfortable position. All this straining is in the background, as part of a curious tableau, with UTU and his watering in the foreground, and the city of Sheffield stretching out in the distance.

She finally releases her arrow to coincide with the gunshot in BOTTOM LEFT. 

He zips the bag back up.

Satisfied with everything, he shoves the drawer into the cabinet. 

POV shot as if we were an un-bagged body.

The drawer slams shut in time with the gunshot in BOTTOM LEFT, and we are plunged into blackness.

[TIME: c.20']

JIM_SD is already prodding at the control panel of the TARDIS in the time-honoured way.

As a consequence, CRAZY GREGORY's bike-pump falls out of his hands hitting the floor with the blade, and closing the pump with its weight, switching it off. 


As she fires, she falls backwards, out of shot. This probably requires the tree to be in some raised flower bed.

At the same moment, or just after, the flow of UTU's water trickles to an end. He breathes a satisfying breath, and then looks over towards the tree.

LEON's body obscures shot for a moment as he passes into the room. CRAZY GREGORY's limp body follows it to the floor. The arrow is wobbling in the hole, and we offer a close up of this.
Shut that curtain.

The rest of the patrons look on agog. One of the old women drops her pipe from her slack mouth. We hear a dog whimpering. If possible we should have the tree occluding the sun, such that the sun's rays are spilling out at the sides slightly. But this may not be possible without blinding us and plunging the detail of the scene into darkness; in which case we shall improvise as needed, and select a more appropriate angle for the tree / camera.
JIM_SD resets the snooker scoreboard on the wall with a sweep of his hand as LEON reaches across shot and draws a curtain over the camera.
WILD ANDREW looks at BARMAN with "what do I do now?" eyes. LEON still holds the smoking gun at arm's length. JAM-JAR is looking, startled, at the gun and at LEON. Reverse of the previous shot: POV of the drawer opening. 

The big over-head shot of the TARDIS in the room. 

LEON (over)
I'm not too sure this is safe.

The BARMAN eyes something back to WILD ANDREW who tentatively starts playing the harmonium again. But the tune takes a while to reform and he is clearly shaken. A thick red blood begins to flow, ominously, from the crack in the tree. It's a really slow and sinister flow, and we hold on the shot of the wobbling arrow and the bleeding tree.  A SECOND MORTICIAN (Richard H. Kirk) peers down at us. He reaches for the zip.


CU of JIM_SD, looking up from the controls.

Course it's not safe.

He goes back to prodding, and at the same moment, the middle bits start doing the up and down business.

MAD EDWARD collapses to the floor, to serve his prone friend, and the other patrons begin to open into nervous chatter. LEON puts his gun back into his coat. He has a purposeful glint in his eye. JAM-JAR, on the other hand has the expression and demeanour of someone who's best friend just shot a total stranger with a gun they knew nothing about. He squats down and picks up his fallen bit of metal, but keeps his eyes locked on LEON (who is looking at WILD ANDREW). The blood just keeps coming. The more blood we see, the more it comes, so that the slow overflow of the beginning becomes a real tidal torrent.  Shot of SECOND MORTICIAN unzipping the body bag fully to reveal a naked torso. We don't see the head, because it is occluded by the mortician's body.

It should be obvious from the camera angle and the position of the body in the rack that this is the same body as before.

We follow SECOND MORTICIAN as he goes over to the side to check some notes and gather some implements.

LEON caresses the bridge of his nose, and sits himself down squarely. MAD EDWARD raises his head, his beard fallen around his neck. The vulviform crack adds to the menstruousness of the scene. Which makes the arrow some sort of phallic symbol, I suppose. He realises that he's forgotten something, and dashes to the door.

The TARDIS begins to dematerialise.

He lets out a wookie-like sob over his fallen friend.

Broad shot of this uneasy tableau.
Fade to black, but preserve the sound of the harmonium, wheezing.

Gradually fade to black.


Neon lighting pre-flicker and serial switch-on to reveal:

As he leaves the room, he switches off the lights.

Very brightly lit CU of JIM_CE (Christopher Eccleston), a la Shallow Grave. He starts off upside down, eyes closed, and the shot rotates until he is the right way up.


CU of JIM_SD, stood against one of the light-box windows, facing us, eyes shut.

He opens his eyes and stares at us.

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

He opens his eyes and stares at us.

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance


CU of JIM_AH (Anthony Head) with a dark backdrop. His eyes are closed.

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

He opens his eyes

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance

Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

CU of JIM_PD (Peter Davison) lit from below with a torch. He has  beard. His eyes are shut.

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

Take a chance

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

He opens his eyes.

Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chance

The two halves of the screen part: the widescreen shots of the Jims contract to an 8:9 or similar to give us a similar ratioed space at the centre.

This frame slides up from the bottom. In it, JIM_FS (Frank Skinner) and JIM_TB (Tom Baker). 

JIM_FS wears his blue shirt and trousers, but with a pair of thigh-length velvet boots with heels. He has a blue flower behind his right ear.

JIM_TB wears a very very long scarf, mainly in earthy tones, wrapped about his body like some very elaborate Missoni dress. Below this is his usual coat and trousers. Over he wears fake-fur topped suede boots of a standard knee length. They lack substantial heels. Behind his left ear is a red flower. He wears a red-brown curly wig.

The two Jims stand with their backs to against each other. JIM_TB is on the right, and faces more right that JIM_FS who faces more central. But the difference is only 45 degrees or so. 

Their heads turn to camera as they sing:

Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
If you change your mind...
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance
Take a chikachancechance
Take a chance

The central portion now quarters to give us eight 8:9 ratio frames. A, B, C and D are on the top row, E, F, G and H are on the bottom row. (w) and (b) indicate rough colourscheme (black against white). (m) indicates male vocal line, (f) female.
A = JIM_SD (w)(m)
B = EXT - WICKER ARCHES - NIGHT: JIM_DT (David Troughton), close up, facing front, as per the other shots. He wears the same outfit as earlier. (b)(f)
C = JIM_TB, close up, facing front, as per the other shots. (w)(f)
D = JIM_PD (b)(m)
E = JIM_AH (b)(m)
F = JIM_FS, close up, facing front, as per the other shots. (w)(f)
G = INT - PRISON CELL - DAY: JIM_CB (Colin Baker), close up, facing front, as per the other shots. He is in a dark cell with noirish shafts of light illuminating his face. He wears a bad corkscrew blonde perm wig and a clownish multicoloured suit. (b)(f)
H = JIM_CE (w)(m)

Male vocal singers continue with much the same lyrics, while:

I'm the first in line.

The position of the frames switches now:
A = CB
B = CE
C = AH
D = FS
E = TB
F = PD
G = SD
H = DT

Honey, I'm still free,
Take a chance on me.

As they sing the line "Take a Chance on Me", the frames contract, vertically, to introduce a central horizontal band of four new frames. At the same time, the top line of frames move right, and the bottom line left. The top line moves at twice the speed. As a frame falls off the end, it loops back to the beginning.

The result of this movement is three rows of four 4:3 ratio screens, A, B, C, D; E, F, G, H; I, J, K, L. The chequered effect is maintained by the movement. The cells are now stationary again as:

A = AH (b)(m)
B = FS (w)(f)
C = CB (b)(f)
D = CE (w)(m)
E = INT - WHITE ISSUE TARDIS - DAY: JIM_SM (Sylvester McCoy) in a paisley-scarf-adorned hat, and a black-piped white boating jacket, cricket jumper, pads etc. He has a leek stuck to his lapel, with the number 6 cut out of it. (w)(f)
F = INT - K2 RED PHONE BOX - NIGHT: JIM_RG (Richard E. Grant) in Victorian garb and Russian fake-fur hat. (b)(f)
G = INT - WHITE CELL - DAY: JIM_PM (Paul McGann), in a white cell. He is completely shaven, though stubbly, and wears a white Russian shirt. (w)(m)
H = INT - NAZI PILLBOX - DAY: JIM_SP (Sean Pertwee) dressed like Austin Powers but with a big grey perm wig. A rectangular window of sea juts into shot from right. (b)(m)
I = PD (b)(m)
J = SD (w)(m)
K = DT (b)(f)
L = TB (w)(f)

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you need me, let me know,

Positions switch to an inverted colour / sex layout. Positions should be as varied as possible given the constraint.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
Gonna be around,

Invert / shuffle.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you've got no place to go,

Invert / shuffle. TB faces backwards. RG faces right.

_FS, _CB, _SM, _RG, _DT, _TB
If you're feeling down.

Full screen shot of JIM_RG's phone-box (right of shot). It is the K2 "K.West" box from the Ziggy Stardust sleeve. We track right, and the box reaches the middle of shot. JIM_RG pokes his head and upper body from behind the box, like some awful Fame-style musical sequence, and delivers his line. Other vocals are still in the mix.

JIM_RG (et al)
If you're all alone...

As he delivers his line, his frame is moving left and is being replaced by the next frame, which is JIM_DT. He is leaning on the right wall of a brickwork arch. The angle is such that much of what lies beyond the bridge's aperture is occluded. In front of him is a flaming brazier.
At the start of JIM_DT's line, he may not be visible, but will become apparent as the frame slides into place.

JIM_DT (et al)
When the pretty birds have flown...

The same effect; the frames are in constant steady movement, at a pace determined by the lyrics. The next frame is JIM_SP. He is stepping up out of the pill-box and onto a daylight soaked dune. The colour palette here is muted. He is waving his limbs about like Austin Powers, wiggling his bum and singing into his sonic nose-hair clipper (painted silver).

JIM_SP (et al)
Honey, I'm still free...

The next frame is the limbo set. Two chairs are positioned, a la the Abba video. On the nearer left-most chair sits JIM_CE in cricket attire, head held in hands, elbows on knees. He sings the male line. Nearer to us, JIM_FS and JIM_TB camp it up a little.

JIM_FS & JIM_TB (et al)
Take a chance on me!

Next along is JIM_AH in his Gothic TARDIS, plucking a book from a library in there. He is lit by candles and the glowing console. He opens the book and sings from it.

JIM_AH (et al)
Gonna do my very best...

He leans on the shelf which triggers a revolving mechanism. From the other side, looking bedraggled and scared, is JIM_PD, still holding the torch to his chin. The back of the cabinet is filthy metal.

JIM_PD (et al)
...and it in't no lie...

Next up we have JIM_SD stood, arms folded, in front of the light-box window. LEON is laid, eyes shut, on the bench.

JIM_SD (et al)
If you put me to the test...

Now to JIM_CB, clutching at prison bars and looking desperate.

JIM_CB (et al)
If you let me try.

An AMERICAN COP comes along and bashes JIM_CB's mitts with a truncheon.

We don't get to see another frame. We halt the frame and track right along the wall of bars. TOMY (Robbie Coltraine) can be seen sat on the cell's bed, at the back, in the corner, revealed by the track. He is looking down and not facing camera.

Mix to:

(I'll start with the setting tags again before we all get too lost.)

Empty limbo. Sped up film. JIM_TB rides in from the vanishing point, at high speed, on K9 (the robot dog), coming to a halt and real time on reaching a full shot. He waves his felt hat (rodeo style) as his sings:

JIM_TB (et al)
Take a chance on me.


LEON is laid on the seating, eyes closed.

Come on, give me a break, will you?

Pull back/right to reveal JIM_SD chalking a snooker cue and eyeing up a break-off shot.

Take a chance on me.

He takes the shot. We follow the white around the table and into a pocket.

MATT & JOE (prelap)
Oh, baby...


MATT (Matt Baker) and JOE, in a dancing pose, hands joined; near arms stretched out to camera; heads facing us. Chairs in shot.

We can go dancing...

Quantel-style effect: revolving frame. It tilts upwards, rotating to give us, in the same set:

JO (Kellie Bright) and ROSE (Kim Wilde), breaking up from a similar dance move, one-handed and amicably. JO wears '70s trousers and blouse. ROSE wears '90s tracksuit and pink hoody.

We can go walking...

Similar effect.

Same set; CAROLINE (Heather Nova), and LEELA (Lucy Lawless), cling each others' hands in that soppy, limp sort of way. JIM_FS and JIM_CE sit on the chairs.

As long as we're together.

Long as we're together.


It's Jim's university dorm from Ep0. LUCY (Sarah Michelle Gellar) and BERLIN (Violet Berlin) sit either side of a hi-fi stack. The turntable lid is up. An LP is revolving.

The two companions face each other:

Listen to some music...

Crane up, through the floor to another dorm, inwhich  HAZEL (Hazel Irvine) and PERI (Nicola Bryant) sit on a settee, with a blank space between them.

Maybe just talking...

Pan 180 degrees to an identical settee on which sit ACE (Sophie Aldred) and CONFECTION (Daphne Ashbrook). ACE wears Words & Pictures dungarees and stripey top.

Get to know you better.

JIM_TB and JIM_AH stick their heads up from behind the settee.

Get to know you better.

JIM_RG leaps up between them. Mid-leap and mid-line, we cut to a full face shot:

Cos you know I've got



So much that I wanna do

He wheels out of shot to reveal, a little further back:

When I dream I'm alone with you

He wields his sonic nose-hair clippers like a wand, and with a cheap pyro effect (with obligatory green flare) he vanishes to reveal in his place the two chairs, on which sit JIM_CE and JIM_FS.

It's magic.

A random series of stop-motion -style shots of different Jims in the chairs in quick succession.


CU head shot. JIM_DT and JIM_SP at Abba angles: backs to each other; one looking closer to our direction than the other. The one is JIM_DT on the left. He turns to us.

You say that I waste my time

Track around, with the panoramic slit view of the sea behind. JIM_SP tracks to the front.

But I can't get you off my mind

Tracking continues, with DT being replaced by CE while occluded.

And I can't let go

JIM_SP is replaced by JIM_SM in similar fashion.

Cos I love you so.


Head shot of JIM_PM:

If you change your mind,

His face dissolves into a receding starfield and then recongeals as JIM_RG (a la '80s Who titles).

I'm the first in line

Same effect to become JIM_DT.

Honey I'm still free


Take a chance on me

If you need me, let me know,

Gonna be around

If you've got no place to go,

If you're feeling down...

If you're all alone

When the pretty birds have flown

Honey I'm still free

Take a chance on me

Gonna do my very best

And it in't no lie

This last face is less resolved, and is largely a mess of stars. We lose definition via a mix to:


A large Nazi pill-box rises up in the far right. Through some cunning focus, JIM_SP's head steps in in CU profile, looking at the tower.

If you put me to the test,

He turns to face camera.

If you let me try.

As he sings, he steps towards camera, obscuring and then clearing shot to reveal the other eleven JIMs in his wake, lined up on the beach, holding hands. They are stood in ANS consecutive order.

Take a chance, take a chance, take a chance on me...

We cut to a closer shot, that tracks along the length of the Jim chain.

Ba ba ba ba baa,
Ba ba ba ba baa


It's a very '80s TARDIS, but the "portholes" are rounded square recesses with no light boxes or anything. Soft '80s lighting.

In the foreground stand JIM_FS and JIM_TB as per their limbo shots. In the background, replacing the chairs, is the control panel.

Honey I'm still free

Jump-cut, with FS and TB now sat back to back on the control panel. The shot is locked in the same angle as before. In the foreground, in similar positions to where FS and TB were, stand JIM_SM and JIM_CE. Both are dressed for cricket. JIM_SM is sniffing a leek which he holds in his hand.

Take a chance on me

Jump-cut again. Now FS and TB are far off in the distance of the walled set.
CE and SM are sat on the control panel. SM, swinging his legs and munching his leek. He breaks off from his meal to sing (with slightly full mouth):

Gonna do my very best,

Closer angle on SM, without any other JIMs in shot.

Baby can't you see

As he sings we tilt up, such that the wall might conceivably take the position, from our perspective, of a floor.
And through the magic of television, it does just this. Stood on the wall that is now a floor is JIM_PM.

As we tilt, the shot slides up the screen, and the aspect squishes, so this needs to be taken into account in framing the shot. It is now the top half of the screen.

Let's format this as a quad-screen:

This frame is combined with TOP RIGHT.

JIM_PM is effortlessly walking along the thin gangways between the portholes; his mind is on higher things. He seems tortured, and his floppy Russian blouse emphasises his romantic artistry. His baldness is stubbly like some mental patient from a by-gone era. He carries an open volume of poetry (small and anonymous) and a daffodil, but is looking at neither. He sings:

Gotta put me to the test,

He walks out of shot, left.

At the other corner of the matrix of recessed squares (in the right half of shot), an 8-bit snake of coloured arrows is superimposed, moving along a gangway, a la the Vortex.

Black. Black. This frame is combined with TOP LEFT.


We tilt down, so that the floor slowly becomes a wall.  JIM_PD flicks his torch on to reveal that we're in:


Take a chance on me.

  We tilt down, so that the floor slowly becomes a wall. 

Fast track right, along the slit. At half distance stands the face of JIM_SP, who scuds through shot and out the other side, owing to the close angle and the speed of the track.

Take a chance...

The shot is held. The wall in the TOP RIGHT descends through into this frame as it tilts into a vertical arrangement. It tilts into the BOTTOM RIGHT frame, and continues its revolution.
We fly off the end of the pillbox. Being a Nazi pillbox, it has a pleasing set of tapering angles at the edge. 

Our tracking shot should slow down as we leave the "track" of the slit. We take in the cliffside, and reveal a dramatic sunset behind. For a moment it merges with TOP RIGHT.

The wall continues its tilt, and through a magical computer gimmick, we've moved location to:


This is actually a shot of the roof, which has a whitewashed box-concrete design.

This dramatic shot pulls down to reveal the setting. We're using a slightly fish-eyed lens. There in the centre of shot, arm outstretched like someone in a dance video, is JOHN, in a big white coat - part lab coat, part cloak.


Low angle of JIM_DT backed by a dramatic sunset. For a moment it merges with TOP LEFT.

Take a chance...

Pull out and tilt until all is sky.  JIM_PD bows his head. The bulb flickers and fizzles out. Black.
Take a chance...
Pan right, then tilt our way down the hillside.
There is a final "Take a chance", but it is only heard.  The camera tracks away from him. He holds his beckoning stance. It should be dramatically lit. There should be a cathedral quality somehow. The flickering strip-lights might help.
Pan left.

Through a computer we merge to:

Central vertical wipe open to reveal:


Establish the view of God's throne room as seen from the door. It is a big white and light grey room that looks a bit like a negative version of the Death Star throne room in Return of the Jedi. Certainly God's throne is very like that of the Emperor's, only grey-white, and there is a big round window behind. The glass in the window is stained a different colour for each pain. Beyond is clouds.

The lower floor of the room is full of dry ice. The mezzanine on which the throne is placed is made of glass. 

There are seven mushroom-like RotJ pedestals glowing with orange-lit panels. 

There are twelve benched thrones on each wall. In the right group snore the following sleeping figures:

Rubens Barrichello (F1 Driver) in flameproof suit;
Simon Groom (of Blue Peter fame);
Nick Kamen, naked but for his jeans;
Geoff Capes, naked but for a kilt. His flesh is painted red;
Bernard Hill;
Ian Lavender in a US desert forces uniform;
Dani Behr in a black babydoll nighty;
Gareth "Gaz Top" Jones dressed as a miner, complete with helmet and coaldust;
John Cleese dressed as Hitler. His uniform smoulders and there is occasional light flame;
Jane Asher in an apron and covered in flour. She has some light pastries on a tray in her lap;
Philip Schofield in stereotypically gay outfit including too-small gaudy multicoloured jacket;
Goldie Hawn in a green US army uniform and tin hat.

In the left group, also sleeping:
The first chair is empty;
Andrew o'Connor dressed as a sea-fisherman, in oilskins etc;
Piers Brosnan (JAMES) in black tie;
The fourth chair is empty;
Philippa Forester;
Natalie Portman, dressed in leather;
Tom Paulin, sleeping with his fingers pressed to his nose. One finger is bloody;
The eighth chair is empty;
Matthew Paris, wearing jeans and a bowler hat;
Simon Pegg, clutching a big wobbly saw;
The eleventh seat is empty;
Janet Ellis a la JEMIMAH Orson.

Parading about in the middle of the room is a six-winged silver lion covered in eyes. The eyes blink at irregular intervals, and the eyelids are furred.

The lion stops and looks in our direction. Light glints off it, beautifully.

Aw, look... a pwetty ickle lamb, frolicking down the hillside, munching on a tuft of clover.

We are in line with the level of the raised garden, such that UTU is sat on the bottom of the frame. He is laid on the wall, lounging about, idly carving a twig with a Swiss Army Knife.

Reverse angle to show GABRIEL stood in the doorway flanked by two NINJAs. The dry ice is escaping through the door. He steps forwards, and the door zjungs shut. The NINJAs pull out automatic weapons.
This frame combines with BOTTOM LEFT for:
Some last Abbarish "ba ba ba ba baas" are heard, as the track fades away.
He is startled by the explosion in the opposite frame, and looks up in its direction, which is straight ahead for him.

We hear an uncontrollable mooing from a disturbed cow.

The lion leaps forwards, towards the camera, with a roar.

It is shot down in a blaze of silver blood.

The twenty assembled councillors are roused by this gunfire.

Then at the last moment of audible music, the lamb explodes in a green flare. And just to make sure, several more explosions of varying size at the same spot. 

Blood and fluff showers down on the clover patch. Perhaps also a spot of mercury.

Shot of INANNA trying to calm a Fresian cow called BESSY. BESSY is in a stable-doored shed up here and is acting like a worried horse.  GABRIEL marches purposefully forwards towards the throne. Wider shot of the scene.
INANNA is trying to pat her calm but this is having little effect. Several councillors step up to arrest his progress. Shot of ALEX picking up a dynamite plunger and carting it off, cheerfully towards camera...
CU of BESSY kicking back into the shed wall. She does this a couple of times and then we see a chink of light coming in from the side. The NINJAs let rip. The councillors' blood is the usual red, and the white walls of the throne room are splattered pink. 
And past us, leaving us with the scene of smouldering wool.
Shot of the shed from side-on, as the back wall falls to the ground.  EXT - PEACE GARDEN - NOON

It is the current, post-THX Peace Garden, but with the THX added through the wonders of technology. 
A small orchestra in black tie is seated in the paved circular area in the bottom corner. They are sat poised to play, with a conductor stood before them with his back to us.


A lake scene from a low angle. 


A tree up the centre of the frame.

Wider angle showing more of the building (and connecting to the BOTTOM LEFT frame). Such is the shed's position on the edge of the roof-garden, that the wall tumbles over the side of the building, and into the BOTTOM LEFT frame. This shot for a moment forms the bottom of a conjoined LEFT-hand frame. Two duck legs step over the camera and stand in our shot. They are close enough to create a square frame of lake in the centre, where waterfowl are doing their thing in the distance. At the bottom of the tree, two little hands enter, belonging to a BUSH BABY which is climbing up the back of the tree. 
BESSY's legs kick out of the shed.

Cut to BESSY collapsing forwards, banging her chin on the barn door. 

The door falls forward off its hinges, and BESSY stumbles out as the music starts in BOTTOM LEFT.

INANNA staggers back out of the way as BESSY, with the dynamism of a demon dog from Ghostbusters, launches herself out across the roof garden. She pounds about, ruining the flower-beds and knocking over the beloved tree.

The tree cracks at its base and falls to the ground, rolling across the roof, vertically. It tumbles over the edge.

The shed wall floats down from TOP LEFT, into the gardens. It disintegrates on impact, and showers bits of wood across the scene.

The orchestra do not flinch. Rather they are conducted into action, and begin playing the second run through of the Alla Hornpipe from the end of Handel's Water Music.

Shoot like a proper performance, with regular closeups of soloists.

The duck's arse squats into shot. The duck is thrusting with some quacking.

Slowly, a large egg begins to emerge. 

Though it is not an egg. It is a crystal.

The hands move up the trunk and are accompanied by a pair of feet.

As the shed wall lands in BOTTOM LEFT, the hands and feet lose their purchase and slip down the trunk.

Undaunted, the obscured BUSH BABY tries again.


BESSY moos a bit and bounds about the roof. 

INANNA is distressed.

UTU is picking his nails with his pen-knife.

The tree from TOP LEFT tumbles into our wide shot and sprays the orchestra with great drips of viscous red blood as they play on undaunted.


As the first run through the music reaches its climax, BESSY leaps off the THX and onto the top of... The tree falls head first into the top of one of the big green broccoli structures. Displaced water splashes over the sides. The crystal drops from the duck and falls into the dusty earth. It is recognisable as the Crystal of Enderon.  The BUSH BABY slips again back to the bottom of the shot.

Her legs splay as they slip either side of the curved glass. 

Again the Winter Garden post-dates the demise of the THX, but we've squeezed it in despite the slight overlap.

Much mooing as BESSY slides down the glass.

At the second run through of the music, the waterfall mouth of the broccoli structure starts pumping out a river of blood, which turns the water in the channel below increasingly pink. It's tennis-ball size must've been quite a strain for the duck, which collapses forwards into shot, obscuring what little of the lake scene is still visible beyond the crystal. We are too close to get a truly unambiguous view of the duck, not least with the crystal in the way, but it is a male green-winged teal.

Zoom in on the crystal until its circle reaches the edge of frame.

It tries again. Still it is behind the trunk but for its feet.
The music hits the quieter soloish bits and we cut to:


BESSY slides off the Winter Garden, and propels with immense momentum onto the green of Tudor Square, where she displaces great mounds of turf before charging across the square like a mad bull, turning cafe tables and causing general panic.

The crystal is pretty, glinting in the morning light, and provides a shattered view of the dead duck's arse. Blood is flowing from it, in multiple fragmented images. Gradually the cells that are the defracted images fill with blood. As this goes on, the interior of the crystal rotates like a kaleidoscope, rotating the multiplied images like a big wheel or a Buzby Berkley routine.

Zoom in through this and mix to:

She charges into Norfolk Street, causing more chaos.


BESSY charging through the dark subway, causing people to squeeze against the piss-reeking walls. A beret-wearing BUSKER (Paul McCartney in one of those painful cameo roles that we've been forced to accept despite the hassle) is playing a guitar. She crushes the BUSKER's guitar as he  runs down the steps to Flat Street, shrieking -- his beret has flown off in the escape. BESSY charges after him into the daylight - the beret having settled on her own head. 

BUSKER trips and falls to the floor. BESSY leaps over him and bounds into the road. She is charging straight at our camera placed over the road.

About 30 seconds into the piece, when the full ensemble kicks in again, the fountains on which they are seated activate. Slowly at first and then full power, showering them from below with water. The orchestra does not react. It keeps playing despite being increasingly wet. 

We'll throw in a couple more repeats of those fanfare flourishes into the score to stretch it out a bit.


Equally framed shot of the duck's eye. This is the lynch-pin of the entire production. The shot of the eye rotates in the opposite direction, a-la Psycho, and the crystal and its fragmented view of the duck's bleeding bottom are preserved within the dark of the dead eye.

We corkscrew out to reveal the striking green and red face of the duck.

Keep pulling out and rotating above the bird. As we rise, we see more of the scene. The duck's green-striped wings are sprawled out to the side. Its arse is in a pool of blood which is spreading about the rest of the bird, and perfectly positioned behind is the glinting crystal. It's a bit hieroglyphic in construction. 

The crystal shines brightly in the sun.

At the first finish before the repeated last bars of the Handel in BOTTOM LEFT, the BUSH BABY slips again, but just a little way. 

It regains its ground and reaches the top of the frame for the end of the Alla Hornpipe.

As the music fails to hit its final note on account of the segue, a double-decker bus thwacks into BESSY and takes her out of shot, left.

Shot up the road of the approaching bus, with BESSY pinned to the front by physics. The bus is the 666 to Certain Death.

At the end of the piece, rather than stopping, the music segues to the  wibbly trillery of the first change in Vivaldi's Spring.

The water in the channels around the garden is increasingly blood-red, and the fountain water is now pink and staining the shirts of the undaunted orchestra.

The music will merge with whatever incidental music we deem fit in coming scenes.

We tilt up to look at the old Town Hall, and beyond it the sky. 

The shining stops with the music, as the scene is plunged into the shadow of a man.

New shot from the floor, over the crystal and the duck, to reveal that the caster of the shadow is ECONOMICS (Phil Daniels), dressed in green overalls.


Top down view. This shot reveals the BUSH BABY clinging to a decapitated tree trunk as if sat on it.
Our camera is fixed in the road, and the bus drives over us, plunging the shot into darkness. 


Sky. Perhaps a Spitfire flying in the distance gives us some reason to pan.

A turret of Tattershall Castle comes into view from the right.


He bends down and picks the crystal up, wiping the blood down his overalls. 

Bloody hell. They're as bad as donkeys.

He holds the crystal up to his eye and looks through it to the sky. Much glintery.

It looks up at us with an expression of achievement, but below it at the tree's base we see a MASKED LUMBERJACK, in a yellow safety helmet, enter shot and swing a chainsaw at the tree-trunk.

The BUSH BABY's expression melts into doomed fear as the trunk falls out of the centre of frame and the creature falls with it.

A yellow hat of few pixels jumps into shot from diagonal left bottom and is followed by a similar head. This is the little man from Chuckie Egg, for this is:


Wider shot to show the full screen of this classic 8-bit platform game. It is Level 7; the one with the three ladders at the top.

Bit of establishing play, then the farmer leaps onto an unsupported egg, catches it, but falls beyond it into a goose.

INT -CRAGSIDE ELECTRICS ROOM - (LIGHT-BOX...) DAY (but rather dark all the same)
Hold, and mix to a new shot from ground level, looking through the stable ruins, to the castle.

A single male PEACOCK is flitting about going "wark" in an exasperated manner such as might summon the dead.

Arty crane shot up through the ruins of the stable.


Gunmetal grey corridor with riveted doors and stuff. The floor is covered in dry ice cos this is Heaven.

Two NINJAs in usual angelic attire. They carry a couple of the corpses from the Throne Room scene: specifically JAMES and JEMIMAH. Both seemingly very much dead.

The NINJAs speak in Japanese, with subs.

I'm getting blood all over my new pyjamas.

Shot along ground level. The BUSH BABY hits the floor, back-first, with a thunk and an adorable eek, and then the pointed pike of the tree-trunk spears the creature's furry belly, flinging the slightest splat of blood up the side, and pinning the loveable sack of eyeballs to the ground. The BUSH BABY blinks its big peepers in a final act. It is very sad because the creature is so endearingly cute and charming. So we do not dwell on the tableau. 
We're in a small room full of terrifying brass switches and meters. There's a suitably gothic computer monitor wedged in amongst the electrical equipment. And a baroque'd up BBC Micro keyboard in the sideboard.

JIM_SD is sat at the keyboard in a nice big swivel chair. The monitor flashes up GAME OVER PLAYER 1, and JIM_SD slides back in the chair.

Tell me about it. This silk is dry-clean only.
The MASKED LUMBERJACK, out of shot himself, obscures the camera with his yellow safety helmet and we fade to black.
LEON is stood at a window to the room, peering in like a loon.

You win.

JIM_SD is loading something else. It purrs and growls like a BBC loading.

The PEACOCK sweeps up diagonally into the sky.

It obscures the shot with its magnificent tail-feathers as it heads up to the TOP RIGHT, and leaves the frame.

They lug the corpses into... EXT - TATTERSHALL CASTLE - DAY

This frame will act as a continuation of BOTTOM LEFT. For now it is black.

Play something else?

A small grey room. The rest of the bodies from the Throne Room scene are already here. These are the last two.

The PEACOCK from the BOTTOM LEFT frame enters this frame, activating it. 

Behind it is sky, and we follow it back down to the ground.

Through the magic of television, ground is now the gravel car-park.

LEON steps into the room behind JIM_SD.



Shot from above, bathed in white neon glow. This is a recreation of the opening shot of the BABYSHAM spin-off.

Time, I think,  to get medieval on your ass.

As in Ruy Lopez, the 15th century Spanish priest who gave his name to a chess opening?

As we zoom through the haze of the light we see that BABYSHAM is sat at a desk, meekly, with bandaging over his eyes. He is being harangued by a pacing MARTY. We may also notice ALAN in the corner, head bowed.

The zoom is quite slow.

The NINJAs dump their last delivery on top of the blooded pile and then make their exit.

We look around. We zoom in on the face of JAMES without being too conspicuous. Perhaps have his head off centre and then pan when we're close enough in.

As the PEACOCK walks away from camera, we cut to a wider angle, showing a lot of early 1980s cars parked up.

The PEACOCK is pacing about purposefully.

We do not see all the parking spaces. The spaces on our right are out of shot.

The monitor flares up with the title screen for JOUST: a mad arcade game with little knights on ostriches. JAMES's eye opens.

It begins to flicker and grow with a sickly green-yellow light.

Suddenly, without warning, the lightly screeching wheels of a red A-Reg Vauxhall Astra back up into shot from the right, squishing the screaming PEACOCK, whose tail-feathers splay under the crushing tyre. The car backs over the PEACOCK with both sets of wheels.
Or as in Bernie Clifton.

LEON squeezes up to the keyboard, alongside JIM_SD. He accidentally shorts something on the wall with his body and squeals. The lights flicker.

[TIME: c.25']

When we get close enough for comfort, we can cut in MARTY pacing from a more conventional angle. Behind is the view of Snig Hill that we were shown in BS1. JAMES contorts in agony on the pile of bodies. His body is luminescent with radiating energy. He is regenerating. The car changes gear, turns and drives towards us.

The low angle of the shot prevents a view of the driver, as the car passes over the camera and out of shot.


Stupid place to play this.



We can also slot in shots of ALAN looking ashamed and BABYSHAM looking stunned and pathetic. SPILLAINE is also in the room, stood by the door. The chaos begins to die away, and as it does we reveal that JAMES is now BOND (Daniel Craig). But you probably knew that was coming.

Disestablish as appropriate, and fade to black.

We are left with a view of the mangled PEACOCK in a pool of guts and blood.

Wider, higher angle of same. 

And again, to include the church and the barn.

The ostriches do their sexy little walks. The vultures swoop about. Cut to the monitor feed as appropriate. MARTY stops and looks at BABYSHAM for an answer of somekind. EXT - ATTERCLIFFE COMMON - DAY

Establish an empty main road outside a closed but car-full Mercedes garage.

Shot of same from roof of castle.


We watch some gameplay.  BABYSHAM is virtually dead to the world.

ALAN is wringing his hands in the corner.


Crane up and to the side to reveal, ECU in the foreground, the spiny metal tail-feathers of some great steel bird. It is a sculpture by Steve Baylock, outside the garage. The feathers are fairly stiff, but may shake a little in the breeze as we move back to reveal the bird in its splendour. We've polished it.

With the bird occupying the left of shot, we view up the road towards the Viaduct. Note that the area of the Viaduct and Meadowhall should be appropriately ruined after the events in Babysham, and this may go some way to explaining the emptiness of the road.


Establish shot... Arthur's Seat in the background. 

CAPTION: Caesarea Philippi

The door opens and HOLLIS (Jeff Stewart), a uniform copper, enters. He whispers something to SPILLAINE.

ALAN notices. Something about the silent conversation breaks him out of his shock, and sets the cogs rolling in his mind. A look of concern / concentrated thought drips into his features, and he stops wringing his hands as he diverts more energy to the brain.


A ball of Tinsley Wire, that looks like a tumbleweed, bounces over the road. 

And from the direction of the motorway, in a cloud of dust, comes the red Astra from the Tattershall shoot.

The shot recalls Omar Sharif in Lawrence of Arabia. The car takes a while to reach us. 

A red and blue panelled, clapped out '70s Ford Transit pulls up, obscuring the shot. The back doors swing open and out clamber SIMON and JOHN, followed by MARY and STEW. MARY has over-done mascara, SIMON has big curly hair, JOHN has ginger hair, and the whole group of them look more hippy than usual. But it shouldn't be over-played.

MARY passes a spiff to STEW, who takes a drag.

The group look about. SIMON pats on the closed back door of the van as the van drives away. He deports himself in the manner of a hard rugby player.

One of the ostriches flies too close to the lava... a hand reaches out and grabs it, dragging it into the hellish depths.

FX WIPE/MIX UP, revealing oily flames at the bottom of shot:

Interview suspended: 12:17am.

He glowers at his prisoners. 

The group have no luggage. Together they head into the city.

STEW peels off and heads into a side-alley for to evacuate his bladder after the long journey north.

The others head on a little.

INT - CRYPT (as used by Bhuvana in Babysham) - DAY

Shafts of light suggest that somewhere outside is the daytime. But for the mostpart this is a dark place, lit with candles, and a pentagram of oily blue-orange flame on the slab.

He leaves the room with HOLLIS. SPILLAINE stays as babysitter.
In the alley, STEW pisses. 

A throat clears, and STEW looks up.

We track past the pentagram, and reveal, clutching a long splint-match that is burning to the fingers, a cowled figure. Only his lips are visible, but when he speaks it will be fairly obvious that it is ALEX. He watches the splint burn to his fingers. It leaves no residual charred wood but burns away as a fuse. It sets light to his finger and thumb.

A shot through an orange filter. Clouds drifting past.

As we pull out, we catch a few red blurs that indicate that the filter is actually in shot. For it is an orange stained pain of glass in:

As the car gets recognisably near, we introduce speed shots of the car... viewing from the side, riding along behind the wheels, etc. One such shot is from behind the right rear, and we can see that a lot of the peacock, including a single tail-feather, is still attached to the tread.


From a doorway appears a cowled figure. He saunters out like he's Orson Welles or something. He's clutching a piece of paper behind his back. His hood is down but his face is obscured by shadow. It is ALEX.
I am the flame of life;
the defender of man.

As he says this, he passes his thumb from finger to finger, igniting the tip of each until all of his fingers on his (right) hand are burning like candles.


And we shift focus, just as the red splodges (blood) are mopped up by a pink-stained cloth. Further pulling reveals the hand of a lowly angel and more spots of blood, from which we may cut to a wider angle.

The car is travelling at some speed as it approaches the main shot. It whips past the garage, causing the sculpture to rock in its draft. And as the car whips past, the blooded feather is dislodged from its tyre. It whips up and jams into the heart of the metal bird.
I am the flame of life;
the defender of man.

He holds the hand up into a beam of light coming from a hole in the wall. His hood slips back from his head and we see that he is wearing his round mirrored sunglasses.

He moves his fingers together and apart, blinking the flow of light past his hand.

A wider shot of the scene. Alex's head, strobing in the interrupted shaft of light.

ANGELS, in cleaning ladies' house coats of brown and/or blue checks are industriously mopping up the mess of the earlier massacre. They have their abundant golden locks up in curlers beneath Gracie Fields / Hilda Ogden head-scarves. 

After a few moments the shot reveals, at the centre, in the throne, GABRIEL. He sits with one leg cocked over the armrest, and is turning his head left to right, flexing his fingers as he looks at them. 

The car leaves shot, and we never see the driver, thanks to sunlight on the windscreen. The road is clear again... only the engine sound remains, dying away.

The bird is still rocking. The tail-feathers still twitch in the wind. But more so. Slowly, the bird spasms into life. 

And after a few glittery movements, it flexes its wings.

Despite the intrusion, STEW continues his slashing, paying more attention to that than to ALEX. We concentrate on STEW and rely on the TOP LEFT as an effective ALEX shot.

I can cure that.

He waves his piss about a bit.

What you got there?

Shot of STEW turning his head to face ALEX for the first time since he first noticed him.

He clenches his fist, quashing the flames but increasing the flow of light from the shaft. The light streams into camera and bleaches us out. The door zjungs open revealing SIMON, CHE_F and several powerful-looking ANGELS. The group enters informally, except CHE_F who holds a staunch military position on SIMON's right hand. The bird launches itself from its column with an eerie scrawing cry, and flies up into a full-shot sky. Side-on shot, with a torso-shot of ALEX and STEW (no heads). STEW snatches the paper from ALEX's mitts, though ALEX lets him without resistance.

White nothingness.


There are 16 angels in the party, each dressed in Castro-style uniforms, and each sporting some attempt at a beard. SIMON maintains his previous costume: wellies and white dress. He also, increasingly, is clutching at his housekeeper-style array of keys that hang from his waist. He uses them in lieu of a rosary. 
CHE_F's demeanour is one of power and aggression. He carries a kalashnikov, and now wears fatigues and a beret. He has good stubble.

From a distance we see the last of the party of 16 ANGELS leaving the corridor through a side door. Further away, as they leave our sight, a Ninja's head appears from round a very distant corner. The shot stays as it is while the Ninja enters the corridor and scurries forward towards us. 

STEW shakes off his last drops with his right hand and holds the paper up into the light with his left, resting it against the wall. There is an obvious masthead in bold Hebrew script.

The shot is suitably framed as to be worthy of a translating caption:

An ominous bagpipe drone begins to fade slowly into existence. And in the extreme distance, a dark figure gradually comes into being. SIMON curtseys as he approaches the throne. The door closes behind him. He reaches the door as it shuts in the BOTTOM LEFT. CAPTION: 
Reverse to see GABRIEL standing up.  New angle of the Ninja stood in-front of the doorway. Close enough that we can see his eyes. And if we know our eyes well enough, we might recognise the Ninja as BOND.  STEW begins to scrutinise the sheet with more seriousness than before. 
The 16 ANGELS, enter shot and enter into a mass of self congratulation with GABRIEL. They are clearly allies in the coup. CHE_F also approaches the throne, and his stiff form melts as he fires celebratory shots into the ceiling. He looks left and right. Then scurries on with us in tow. As he reads, he forgets about his cock, bringing up his right hand to grasp the page.
The figure is walking towards us from the distance. It is JOE blowing his bagpipe, but he's not close enough for us to make him out properly yet. The shot wipes R to L, revealing a continuation of BOTTOM RIGHT. We watch him skulk around some more corridors.
How did you get this?

You should be careful
what you sign...

BOND moves left through the shot and ultimately  into the conjoined BOTTOM LEFT frame.

It's your signature.
In goat. <beat>

BOND walks into this frame. Hold then fade to black.

Fade up on:


Virgin goat at that.
That's just a duplicate.

Where's the original?

...And out at the left of shot.
Somewhere else.
Why? Wanna buy it?

This is a close shot of ALEX. He pulls down his cowl, showing him wearing round-rimmed mirrored sunglasses. 

Somewhere else.
Why? Wanna buy it?

BOTTOM RIGHT provides an Alex-centric angle to this scene, and the two are left to interact:


The place is abandoned. 

He looks up to the sky... a setting sun is visible along the alleyway -- in the reflection of the glasses. 
Like that, eh?
Tracking shot reveals the Wedding Cake from behind one of the hangars. ALEX removes his glasses and holds them out before him... He's using them like a magnifying glass against the dying sun... squinting at the lens, held at arm's length: STEW finally puts his cock away, gaining confidence.
A static burst and we CUT TO a b&w CCTV shot of BOND (in Ninja suit) skulking around the hangar wall.
All the gold I could ever wish for is up there...

ALEX replaces his specs, and generates an air of scorn. 

STEW looks across to the sun. Squints and recoils from the change in light.

What? In dem dere hills?

STEW is more nervous again.

Look. What is it you're after?

A static burst and we CUT TO:


CCTV style shot from corner of room, overseeing everything:

BABYSHAM at the centre, bowed down; his face out of shot.

ALAN sat in the corner clutching his hands.

MOODY (Andy Rashleigh) stood at the door as minder.


As he says this, we see the sun setting through his glasses. As the sun vanishes, we:

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:


BOND approaching the Wedding Cake, seen from a new angle.

By now, JOE is right upon us, and his bagpipe drone is appropriately high in the mix.

He keeps coming, and blacks out the scene with his torso.

The bagpipe drone continues beyond...

The door opens and in bursts MARTY. 

He stops dead in his tracks. 

Double takes. 

Clutches door handle. 

Looks around the door. 

Leaves, closing door.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:


BOND approaching the Wedding Cake, seen from a third angle.

He reaches the door.

A static burst and we CUT TO:


We're in an anonymous church hall. There is a small crowd sat in plastic chairs. On the stage in similar chairs sit MARY, SIMON, JOHN, JIMMY (Jason Connery), ANDREW (...o'Connor), PHILIPPA (...Forester), NATALIE (...Portman), TOM (..Paulin), MATTHEW (...Paris) and (Simon...) PEGG. All are dressed in a somewhat hippy new-age manner, except Matthew who is dressed in supermarket jeans, a pinstripe shirt and tie, and a bowler hat.
At the front of the stage prances STEW, like some sort of Russell Brand tribute act.

The scene is shot on blotchy digital camcorder.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:


A wider angle now, showing the scene as a whole: abandoned airfield with Wedding Cake at the centre.

BABYSHAM raises his head belatedly and those of us with attention spans might notice he no longer has his eyes bandaged.

ALAN is looking at the door.

A static burst and we CUT TO:


Generic CCTV view of one of the galleries. People are walking around, musing over art.

STEW is employing the fervent delivery of a fundamentalist cleric. Despite their dress, his gang show all the peace and love of a late '80s cabinet at Tory Party conference. And the crowd are letting the whole thing drip into them, with little emotion showing. The crowd are also clearly working class in their dress.
A static burst and we CUT TO:


Heavily saturated palette by virtue of the limbo effect. JIM_DT is operating the controls of a porthole-style white Tardis. ZOE is helping him. The ship is lurching about in typical preparing to land manner.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:


Another wide angle. The Wedding Cake is turning, and dust is being ejected from its perimeter.

A static burst and we CUT TO another view in the same building. The blotchiness overcomes the picture which CUTS TO:


A different CCTV shot to BOTTOM RIGHT.

JOE comes into the scene, playing his now thunderously loud drone.

Something blows on the controls, showering sparks. The central column is strobing a brilliant orange.

A static burst and we CUT TO:


Generic CCTV view of one of the galleries. We can make out a number of TV installations flickering away.

A static burst and we CUT TO b&w CCTV footage of:


A closer angle showing the spinning wall as the building rises off the ground.

A static burst and we CUT TO another view in the same building.
ZOE fires a '60s fire extinguisher onto a flaming section of the control panel.

The scene fills with smoke.

A static burst and we CUT TO another view in the same building, focussing now on the one specific exhibition, which is in the room with the cafe. A static burst and we CUT TO:


A number of the artworks in the room with the TV installations are by the artist Mark Wallinger.

A static burst and we CUT TO a shot of the gallery whose principal content is a TV installation showing b&w CCTV footage of the Wedding Cake soaring up and away from the airfield at Strubby.

Static bursts in each of the frames, with the frames converging as a single shot:


Looking across the exhibition space, into an empty corner, past various works by Mark Wallinger, and, clearly visible in shot, the TV installation of the escaping Wedding Cake. Two or three punters are in our main shot, at the periphery.

And as the registry office flies out of shot on the installation, the bagpipe drone falls away, replaced by the hum of a materialising Tardis; as in the corner manifests a polished stainless steel police box.

We rest on this image for a while, if only to register that the Tardis has fully materialised and is not in its usual livery. For the arrangement of the shot is such that the reflections in the mirrored walls of the Tardis give the impression of transparency.

Needless to say, people are stood slightly agog at this fantastic installation. A bearded man, more in shot than any of the other visitors, strokes his chin in consideration and then moves on to look at another piece in the gallery. As he does so, we flare to white.


Blood and mercury seep across the screen and congeal in the caption: "ANS X". The white limbo of the background then flares through the lettering and we white out again. This will be our ad buffer in syndication, but on ATV it is simply the title card.

[TIME: c.30']