Black screen. Quartered effect as per usual. After a beat, and not starting simultaneously, each quarter runs a rapid array of shots from this episode, each containing the character associated with that corner of the screen. The shots are in no particular order. Thrown in are stills from some deleted scenes. There is no uniform period of time for each still, but at first none stay on for longer than a second. Then the flick throughs slow down and begin to rest on a particular moment, like a fruit machine.

The last stills we see are:
TOP LEFT: the Tardis in the empty floor of the Great Hall of Calvados.
TOP RIGHT: STEW opening the doors in the snow and about to say "Fiat Sex".
BOTTOM RIGHT: the sun over Edinburgh.
BOTTOM LEFT: LEON clutching the shovel over LUCY on F34.

WHITE OUT.
FX:

Blood and mercury seep across the screen and congeal in the caption: "MODULE X". The white limbo of the background then flares through the lettering. As we white out again, we have a TV switch-off effect, with black rising and descending into view.

FIZZLE TO:
INT - WORKROOM 7, MARY BADLAND LIBRARY, SHEFFIELD - AFTERNOON
 
TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
POV of JIM_CB.

JIM_CB wears his clown suit and glasses.

POV of LEON.

LEON wears his EDS uniform and glasses.

POV of ALEX.

ALEX wears the basics of his penguin suit, and sunglasses.

POV of STEW.

STEW wears his God dress with a neon halo assembly, from which we shoot.

The scene is seen from these POVs. The four are sat around a large table. JIM_CB is sat on a plastic-backed red chair. The rest are in canvas-backed red chairs. They are sat in the above order, L-R, backs to the windows.

In front of them stands BABYSHAM. He is somewhat charred. Skin is blistered and peeling away. In places his metallic core glints through. His clothes are smouldering rags.

This is all done in one take, naturally. Occasional glances elsewhere. Particularly STEW with his limited attention span. He spends a lot of time drawing a map on a notepad. It begins with a church a castle and some markets and builds up and out to become a map of Sheffield. It should follow as close as possible the actual development of the city. Where over-build has occurred, STEW just draws the new (or ANS) layout. ALEX also takes notes, on which he occasionally draws pointy teeth and other scary things. JIM_CB takes very occasional notes. LEON doesn't bother.

But mostly we're looking at BABYSHAM. Zoom is controlled remotely, and the actors will have to be directed, probably by earpiece.

Behind BABYSHAM, a Powerpoint display projected onto the wall. It has an Open University backdrop. Text in Arial.  Something like this:

With some effort, Babysham unscrews and pulls out his laser eye. He leaves behind a gaping hole of metal and gore. His eye is about three inches deep, and BABYSHAM holds it and will use it as a laser-pointer throughout.

BABYSHAM
What the fuck is happening.
It's a big question. Perhaps...

He clicks his eye.

CAPTION
A little too big?

BABYSHAM
A little too big.
So we're going to have to break it down a little.

CAPTION
Breaking it down a little:

BABYSHAM
And we can do this by looking at
the motivations of various players in the plot.

BULLET POINT
Motivation

BABYSHAM
Also, we might want to think about:

BULLET POINT
Teamwork

BABYSHAM
What factions are at play here.
Who's on what side, et cetera.
And finally we should consider:

BULLET POINT
Resolution

BABYSHAM
Resolution. How is this all going to play out?
What is the end product going to be,
and is there going to be a market for it.
Ok. So lets take a look at the first ego
involved in all this fancy...

CAPTION
Babysham:

BABYSHAM
Me. Where do I fit in?
What's my role in the organisation?
Well, I'm very much a facilitator.
In more ways than one.
Because there was a fragmentation
of futures within the Stargate.

BULLET
Fragmentation:
(with a little graphic below of Babysham, torn like a photograph)

BABYSHAM
There were, if you like,
two mes doing the rounds.
Babysham One operating
under the influence of the
Über-Deity Bhuvana...

LEFT OF SCREEN
(with the graphic gone)
Bhuvana
|
Babysham 1

BABYSHAM
And Babysham Two
operating the MI7 program.

RIGHT OF SCREEN
M. I. 7
|
Babysham 2

New screen.
A photo of Division Street, showing Rare & Racy, the skate park and an obvious overlay mockup of GOD's car: a 2CV with God grinning through the window.

BABYSHAM
Here we have the scene of God's assassination.
Here is Babysham One...

A smiling head of Babysham appears over the skate park.

BABYSHAM
And here is Babysham Two.

An identical photo, but with a bandaged head, appears over the window of the book shop. Similar portraits appear as Babysham mentions them.

BABYSHAM
Here's Bhuvana, and Stew.
And here are the two Leons.
Who shoot. Bang bang.

God's car and the photo of Bhuvana flip upside down.

BABYSHAM
Killing God and Bhuvana.
Very naughty. But why?

CAPTION
Leon:

BABYSHAM
Let's look at Leon.
Who's he working for at this point?

LEON puts up his hand.

LEON
The Pantheon Tosh.

BULLET
Pantheon Tosh

BABYSHAM
He's working a contract
for the Pantheon Tosh
who are at war with God in Heaven.

CAPTION
Pantheon Tosh:

BABYSHAM
So what are the Tosh
hoping to achieve?

JIM_CB puts up his hand.

JIM_CB
Total domination of Heaven,
and an end to the eternal conflict.

BULLETS
(clicked through successively)
Victory
Control of Heaven
New Order of Afterlife

BABYSHAM
Which they hope to bring about through
a complete re-ordering of the Afterlife.
Why don't they kill Stew at this point?

STEW
They don't think he's a risk?

BABYSHAM
Mmmaybe.

JIM_CB
They don't think Leon
would kill Stew.

LEON
Hah.

BABYSHAM
Alex?

ALEX
Stew's in on it.

BABYSHAM
Right.

BULLET CODA
(in partnership with Stew)

BABYSHAM
But there's more to do than just kill God
and His other enemies. Because God is
merely the figure-head of a three party
faction in Heaven.

New screen: Pie chart. TITLE: Division of Upper House.
Red, 103°, LABEL: Stewists, 12
Yellow, 103°, LABEL: Israelites, 12
Blue, 146°, LABEL: Angels, 17
Black, 7°, LABEL: Godhead, 1

BABYSHAM
Divide and conquer, that's the ploy.
But the Toshists see a better opportunity still:
Take advantage of the growing disquiet of the Angelic Host.
So the Toshists play the game from within, with their trump card:

CAPTION
Che F. Gurdwara:

BABYSHAM
Revolutionary freedom fighter and insurgent,
cum undercover Toshist: Che F. Gurdwara,
who's there to...

BULLET
Ferment Angelic Rebellion
(graphic of a beer barrel, overflowing with foam as an animated gif)

BABYSHAM
...ferment rebellion among the Angels.
He organises a coup to take place while
God is away on state duty.

BULLET
Organise Coup
(graphic of a clucking chicken)

BABYSHAM
The remainder of the Heavenly Council
is wiped out mid-session.
At the same time, the Angels are
fed the information that the Toshists
are planning an assassination.
This helps the Angelic coup's momentum,
and also provides the excuse for an
incursion into Toshist territory.

BULLET
Lead Incursion
(graphic of lead piping from Cluedo, descending as a lever)

LEON
And it prevents the Toshists from having to pay me.

BABYSHAM
The Pantheon Tosh surrender
to a new Angelic hegemony,
but all is not as it seems.
The Angels are led into a false
security, and at their moment of victory,
they are destroyed from within.

BULLET
Execute Heaven 17
(graphic of a Gabriel's head being hanged)

BABYSHAM
Operating under the misguidance of Che,
all seventeen of the Angelic High Command
are present at the surrender of the Toshists.
All seventeen are wiped out in a single volley of fire,
and Toshist insurrection is able to rise unchecked.

CAPTION
New Order:

BULLET
Enacted by Toshists.

BABYSHAM
But the plan is not a hegemony of the Pantheon Tosh.
The massed forces of Heaven would never stand for
such a regime. Rather a New Order is enacted:
A compromise peace, endorsed by the heir
to the Godly Kingdom.

BULLET
Endorsed by Stew.

BABYSHAM
A rule of compromise under the stewardship of
Degar Omra Di Tetsoowt and Lucifer Sarah Michelle Gellar.

BULLET
Sarah and Omra in rotating stewardship.

BABYSHAM
But how can we guarantee Stew's support?

CAPTION
Stew:

BABYSHAM
Stew has plans of his own:
Plans that would see the BeforeLife
brought back under the control of the Godhead;
Plans that would seriously undermine the efforts
being made by the Pantheon Tosh and their allies,
should they come to fruition. Solution?
Nobble Stew's scheme at the first opportunity.

BULLET
Needs nobbling.

BABYSHAM
By signing up to the Deed of Covenant,
Stew is inextricably tied to the Toshist scheme.
He is forced to revise his personal strategy mid-course,
and trash his revolution at an embryonic stage.

BULLETS
Revolt quashed.
Tied to New Order.

BABYSHAM
Of course, this throws up its own problems.
Because Stew has to let his left hand rebel go.

CAPTION
John Barrett:

BABYSHAM
And suddenly we have a rogue rebel in our midsts,
operating closer to Stew's original scheme than we might like.

STEW
Hey, I resent that.
John was always a bit of a live wire.
I had difficulty reining him in at the best of times.

BULLETS
Live wire.
Needs reining in.

BABYSHAM
Whatever the details may be,
as far as this project is concerned,
John's primary interest is in the maintenance
of Stew's power-base in Heaven, where
the Stewist lobby is gaining sway.
Fortunately for John he is absent
on mission when the Coup wipes
out the Heavenly Council.

BULLET
Survives coup.

BABYSHAM
His concern now is to warn Stew
and to organise the retaking of Heaven.
To this end, John must activate the three remaining
Guardians of the Godly Throne who will provide
the escort for Stew on his triumphant return to Heaven.

BULLET
Activate Guardians.

BABYSHAM
Were this to come about, the Toshist plan
would be in tatters. Fortunately, a contingency was
provided for just such an eventuality.

Back to LEON page, as before. We add:

BULLET
With Jim, establish diversion.

BABYSHAM
Leon and Jim establish a cosmic diversion
to distract and hold the activated guardians.
But if one guardian were to reach Stew
with the news of the coup and the means
to execute his Godhead, Stew would be
obliged to reclaim his seat in Heaven
and powerless to prevent a terrible vengeance.

STEW
Why?

BABYSHAM
Because you would be a pawn
in the program of the Guardian.

STEW
Oh. That's not very omnipotent.

BABYSHAM
It is your Father's last will.

STEW
The arsehole.

BABYSHAM
Yes.

Back to the STEW page.

BABYSHAM
To be sure that this doesn't happen,
the Toshists escort Stew to a safehouse.
Only to find one of the guardians waiting for them.

CAPTION
Babysham:

BULLETS
Created by John as a Guardian-in-potentia.
Activated by John.

BABYSHAM
Yes, kids. It's me.
And being an efficient sole,
I do my prime duty and greet my master.

BULLET
Reaches Stew.

BABYSHAM
The Toshist plot is effectively destroyed.
But they are about to be saved by their covert rivals.

CAPTION
Babysham 2:

BABYSHAM
Because here is the other me,
as programmed by MI7.

BULLET
Programmed by MI7

BABYSHAM
Locked into me are several
contingencies for their own scheme
of total control of the Afterlife.
For instance, if Stew meets a guardian,
I am to destroy both.

BULLETS
To kill Stew
To kill Guardians

BABYSHAM
And being an efficient sole,
I do my duties and dispatch them swiftly.
The Toshist plan is back on line,
with one snag: No Stew.
But the Stargate is open,
and the opportunity is there
to retrieve an earlier example.

Back to the STEW page.

BABYSHAM
A deal is cut with the earlier Stew,
and he is retrieved to conduct the New Order.

BULLETS
Compromise campaign
Retrieved for plot

BABYSHAM
Throughout, we have seen that the
Toshist strategy is being dogged by
an alternate masterplan: That of MI7.

CAPTION
M. I. 7:

BABYSHAM
It was MI7 who opened the Stargate,
with the prime motive of rescuing Alan
from the Afterlife. Now they have a new plan:
To reorganise the Afterlife under their own command.

BULLET
Reorganizing Afterlife to own spec.

BABYSHAM
And how do they intend to do this? By taking advantage
of the Toshist plot and establishing the remaining heir
to the Godly Throne as a puppet ruler.

A new screen: an image of PERCY.

BABYSHAM
Gronda gronda.
Their plan is going well
until sub-standard detective Picholl
inadvertently activates the Hell Tardis.

CAPTION
Hell Tardis:

BABYSHAM
Still, all is not yet lost. For the Tardis
is missing an important component.

CAPTION
Missing component.

BABYSHAM
Without it, the Tardis cannot move,
and will simply shake itself apart:
a set-back but not a nightmare for MI7.
But the Toshists have a new ally:
For in reviving Alex to assist in
the defence of Heaven, John becomes
a party to the strategy for a New Order...

JOHN's page.

BABYSHAM
...and seeing Stew's role in events,
diverts his efforts to its support.

BULLET
Accepts Toshist scheme.

BABYSHAM
Witnessing the destruction of Hell,
John sets off on a new time loop
to locate the missing component,
and returns to the Tardis
with the Crystal of Enderon.

BULLET
Locates Crystal of Enderon.

BABYSHAM
With the crystal in place,
the Tardis opens up the Vortex to visitors,
saving Hell from certain destruction,
and foiling MI7's plans. But the
Toshist conspiracy is also damaged.

Portrait shot of LUCY.

BABYSHAM
Lucifer is vapourised in the Vortex.
And with her is lost the continuity of rule in Hell.
Fortunately, with Lucifer's mental suitabilities
previously under question, Alex has already
been grooming an appropriate successor
in the form of the Goddess Inanna.

CAPTION
Inanna:

BABYSHAM
To provide suitable grounds for succession,
Inanna must kill and supplant Lucifer in the
time-honoured way. But she fails and is herself...

BULLETS
(clicked through quickly)
Fails to supplant Lucy
Mortally wounded

BABYSHAM
...mortally wounded.
However, here is a second opportunity
to seal the succession. For Inanna
can be revived with a rather
unconventional medicine:
The still warm flesh of a Resurrection God.
Luckily, there's one on hand
in the form of the dead Stew.

BULLET
Resurrected by Stew.

BABYSHAM
And by consuming the flesh of Stew,
Inanna is absorbed into the Heavenly Corpus.

BULLET
Absorbed into Godhead.

BABYSHAM
She and Omra can now legally
assume their posts, as sanctioned by Stew.
And now the New Order is in place.
MI7's plot is defeated, and all that
remains is to hold the funeral for
the late God Yahweh, and His trusty
moo-cow, Bessy.

Upside down photo of BESSY.

BABYSHAM
Any questions?

LEON
I think you're significantly undererstimating
the importance of the stargate in all of this...

JIM
What about me?
Why did I end up in that prison cell
after my return from the vortex?

JIM's last line is interrupted by a loud thud from behind them.

STEW
What was that?

Everyone turns to the windows. The view is digitally manipulated: there are no other University buildings, and Eccleshall Road is not built up beyond. Rather there is an unadulterated view to the General Cemetery and its buildings. This arrangement should be in keeping with STEW's map. On the window itself is the grease and dust imprint of a pigeon's wings. Some of the better angled views will have seen the pigeon strike the window, or at the very least seen it slump down. Another pigeon impacts. And then another and another. The window gets increasingly smeared with wing-oil and pigeon brains as a whole swarm of pigeons flies at us.

LEON
They've got no feet.

He's right. They've got no feet. Just stumpy legs.

All shots looking out through the window. The onslaught, which consisted of twelve pigeons in total, has ended. The shots pull out to combine in a single full-screen shot of the virtually reconstructed view of the cemetery in open fields.

[TIME=c.85']

MIX TO:

EXT - GENERAL CEMETERY, SUNSET

Torches light the sides of Cemetery Avenue, as a parade of people in black march slowly forwards towards the arched gatehouse. The parade is made up of ANS cast past and present, augmented by The Bill cast past and present and certain guests we see fit to include.

An extended arrangement of the opening to The Chiffons' "Sweet Talking Guy".

As the bass stabs hit, we reach the gatehouse.
JOHN stands at the gate, in Victorian Undertaker's garb with tailed Top Hat. He bows and sweeps his introduction as we pass by him into the Cemetery.
Within the walls, a carnival atmosphere with clowns, jugglers and fire-eaters parading about at the peripheries of shot.

JOHN
Sweet talking guy
Talking sweet kinda lies;

As he sings, we get various shots about our current position, revealing, for instance, that our initial POV was from a rank of the parade containing STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB and BABYSHAM.
STEW wears a black dress of the usual godly cut, with a big black overcoat and the usual para-boots. He is holding back tears.
ALEX wears his Hawaiian garb from Ep.6, with a big black coat and the usual sunglasses.
JIM_CB wears a big black coat over his clown suit.
BABYSHAM is still charred.

The four of them sing backing "Oohs".

JOHN
Don't you believe in him;
If you do, he'll make you cry:
He'll send you flowers,

NIGEL appears from somewhere in the throng, wearing his snooker suit.

JOHN & NIGEL
And paint the town with another girl.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

Slowly but surely, JOHN is leading the procession up the hill, up some steps and through an Egyptian archway in the wall. We see and interact with many of the cast, ad lib. We do not see STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB or BABYSHAM coming through this arch.

JOHN
Sweeter than sugar,

JUNE & GINA
(in glamourous black dresses)
Ooh.

JOHN
Kisses like wine,

GALENA & JASON
(likewise)
Oh, he's so fine!

JOHN
Don't let him under your skin,
Cos you'll never win.

ANT & ALAN
(in black and white vertical-striped prison uniforms)
No, you'll never win.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

MARY appears wearing black robes and a lace veil.

MARY & JOHN
Tomorrow he's on his way.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

MADONNA wears similar robes and veil.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

We're now through the wall and into the upper section of the cemetery. Most of the assembled cast are through the archway and massed, clutching flaming torches and facing upwards. Somewhere about are two large black coffins under The Bill cast PALL BEARERS.

PARADE
Why do I love him like I do?

We now embark on a double-length version of the instrumental, to give us more time to play with.

Up on the hill to the right, though never really dwelt on, is a tall, pepper-pottish pagoda consisting of a dome on a number of pillars. At the bottom of the dome runs a legend: BLESSED ARE THE GEESE FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. The legend glows like mild neon, and the whole assembly is rotating at a modest pace.
The parade is approaching a temple at the heart of the cemetery. Behind a row of pillars is an Egyptian doorway, bricked up. At its centre is a plate-metal plug with two handles. Over the door is a frieze. We do not yet dwell on any of this.
From the temple runs a broad flight of stone stairs down the bank of the hill.

Flanking the stairs, all the way down, are female cast-members of The Bill. They wear black heels, black translucent tights, and spangly leotard tops designed after Juliet Bravo WPC uniforms. They have big hair with WPC hats wedged in, and have the checked neckties. They have white horse-hair plumes sticking out from their arses, and carry large black or white (alternately) feather fans. Very Busby Berkley.

At the bottom, STAMP and QUINNAN, wearing police Horse Guards uniform. They stand barring the stairs with crossed pikes. They open the pikes and step sideways, clearing the way for an ascending party of STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, and BABYSHAM.

POLICE WOMEN
Ooh, Ooh-ooh.

LOWER LEFT FLANK
He's a sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

POLICEWOMEN
...guy!

JOHN greets the ascending party outside the temple. As he does so, the rest of the cast, dressed as the cast of Oliver! enter from the flanks. It is now snowing. They do actions.

PARADE
Stay away from him, stay away from him, don't believe his lyin'...

POLICEWOMEN
Stay away from him,

JOHN grips the handles of the metal plug in the doorway to the temple.

POLICEWOMEN
No, no, no, you'll never win.

PARADE
You know you'll never win, no you'll never win, you'll just end up cryin'...

He turns the handles and, with all of his strength, removes the plate.

POLICEWOMEN
Ooh...

A blinding white light spews out from the square hole.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

The PALL BEARERS manoeuvre the first coffin and begin to push it through the white limbo aperture.

OMRA, INANNA & UTU
Tomorrow he's on his way...

CUT TO:
A shot of this as seen from the bottom of the stairs: JOHN at the top, with the light coming from the temple, the PARADE flanking him on both sides at the top of the stairs, the POLICEWOMEN down the sides of the stairs, and STAMP and QUINNAN stood at the base of the stairs, on each side, looking down at their feet. The PALL BEARERS finish the first coffin and begin to insert the second during the following sequence.

JOHN runs down the first few steps towards us.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin'...

The UPPER LEFT FLANK of POLICEWOMEN swing out into the centre of the stairs, holding their fans against JOHN.

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

The camera begins to crane up. The performers continue to face the camera as it rises.

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
(ditto)
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

From between the flanks, hidden from view until now, appear, on the left side, JIM_CB (above) and BABYSHAM (below). They make jazz hands.

JIM_CB & BABYSHAM
Sweet talkin'...

STEW (above) and ALEX (below) do the same on the right.

STEW & ALEX
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP and QUINNAN pirouette across each other, locking their pikes across as they roll past.
As they do so, the PALL BEARERS, having inserted their coffins, pirouette to their respective sides of the top of the stairs, with a beautiful grace.

PALL BEARERS, STAMP & QUINNAN
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP & QUINNAN finish their rotations so that they stand the opposite way around at the base of the steps, pikes crossed.
We've craned up to a high angle of the scene, wide enough to fit the entire parade into shot. All are looking up at us.

ALL
...Guy!!!

As they sing, the bricks in the doorway to the temple explode out across the scene. They disintegrate as they pass over the crowd so as not to cause injury.

CUT TO:


JOHN stands at the door to the temple, on the right. He is ushering the procession through the door (a slightly staggered two by two). Beyond the doorway is white limbo. We are in the queue ourselves (behind ALEX & BABYSHAM (two ahead) and JIM_CB & STEW (one ahead)) and so have to contend with the heads of those in front. JOHN shakes the hands of each person on the right, before they pass through, then indicates the door with a sway of his arm.

GALENA & JASON
(not necessarily in shot)
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

ANT & ALAN
(ditto)
No no no... you'll never win...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
Ooh, Ooh-ooh...

As we reach nearer to the front, we see that on the left side of the door stands FRED (...Harris) in his blue dress. He too is shaking hands. JOHN shakes the hands of those on the right, and FRED those on the left.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

ALEX and BABYSHAM pass through.

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

JIM_CB and STEW pass through.

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

As JOHN delivers his line, our angle is of FRED. FRED smiles reassuringly at us. He shakes our hand (oos).

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

The music begins to fade, and with it the vision. We angle up to see, over the door, a stone frieze of a radiant bird; perhaps a dove, or maybe a small goose. The frieze is tingling with a curious golden energy which allows the image to last longer through the fade-out than it might otherwise do.

PARADE
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
(overdub)
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
No no no no...