ANSX: The Passion of Stew
[DURATION: c.35']
INT - A UNIVERSITY CLASSROOM IN THE 1980s - EVENING

Some sort of activist meeting. A room of c.50 people sit on plastic chairs before a row of three adjoined tables behind which sit STEW, MARY (Sophie Ellis Bextor) and JOHN (Nick Frost).

STEW is dressed like a teacher. He has a patched corduroy jacket and matching trousers, and wears a white shirt with a thin red tie. On his lapel are three small badges, one red, one yellow, one green. His hair is shorter than normal, though far from heavilly cropped. His beard is thin. He sits on the left (from the POV of the audience).
MARY had a big brown perm like Judith Hann, and wears a long, belted, cotton jumper in pink and white stripes. Below this is a white pencil-skirt to below the knee. She has plastic jewellery. A grey mac is hung on the chair-back.
JOHN has over-bleached blonde hair, and wears a brilliant-white suit with a crucifix pin-badge and a fish pin-badge in the lapel. His shirt is blue and his tie is shiny white. He should look like a cross between an American TV evangelist and Bowie's Thin White Duke (if Bowie were a dedicated gormet critic). He sits on the right for the audience.

The audience are all eating Guardian-wrapped portions of fish & chips.
Stew and Mary share a portion, spread out between them on the table. John has his own double helping. There are maps and ring-binders on the table too, and a stetson hat to John's left, at the edge of the table.

When we first enter this scene, STEW is not sat, but is stood at a blackboard behind the three desks. The blackboard has the formula "1Nn=(234.6-Nft)SdT" written on it on the left. There is space on the right.

STEW
So...

He turns to write in chalk:
"makarioi oi chneV, oti autoi klhronomhsousin thn ghn"

As he writes, he speaks:

STEW
Makarioi oi cheenes, oti autoi kleeronomeesousin teen geen.

He underlines it and dots it hard.

Mumbling from the crowd which continues through the following:

STEW
Mary:

He sits, passing the chalk to MARY, and taking a handful of chips.

MARY then gets up (with a chair scrape).

MARY clears off the formula but leaves the Greek. She draws a diagonal line: c.20°, right down.

Equally spaced along this she draws three large circles, which she dots and shades to make the appearance of the Filingdales golf-balls.

Meanwhile, JOHN, who like the rest of us is watching intently, subtly and accidentally knocks his hat off the table. He turns to see it fall away from him.
We closely watch it tumble, in slow motion, down the wooden side of the desk. But the floor has been removed, and the desk continues infinitely down.

The hat tumbles down and we lock onto its descent.

After a suitable period, the hat passes a hand that has been nailed into the desk.
We see no more of the body than the blooded hand, and a silver bangle with a squared cross-section hanging off the wrist (caked in blood).

The hand has a go at catching the hat, but fails (owing to the nail).
It passes up the shot and away again.

The Eb tone throbs more obvious and menacing as we pass down the next five feet or so.
Then it dies back again.

The hat tumbles out of shot.

Beat.

The wood of the desk wall opens towards us as a door, and by use of another special effect, we pull out to reveal that it is the left door of a pair of large wooden double doors, behind which is a snowly landscape in the distance, and a long-coated figure in the foreground.
 

CUT TO:


Longer shot:

INT - LARGE MEDIEVAL BARN - LATE AFTERNOON

At the centre of shot are the large wooden doors. Beyond them, outside, through use of trickery, are the Green Lane Works, Sheffield, all covered in snow. It is snowing out there.

Inside, right of shot, CAROLINE (Heather Nova) buffs up some pewter on a peddle lathe. She wears wide glasses with thick black rims, and her hair is up in an Italian peasant scarf. She wears an apron and a thick cotton dress.

Left of shot, MARY stands in a sexy black '60s outfit (including a broad black hat) and appropriate make-up. She flicks through poses with a scarf and a cigarette holder. She is competing with SARAH, who wears a groovy white dress (and matching make-up), and has her hair up in an elaborate do. She also has a long and fashionable scarf or two.

In the now open doorway stands STEW in semi-cruciform pose. He wears a big black overcoat and black jeans, with motorcycle boots. On his face is a pair of thin, metal-rimmed glasses, and he wears a thick grey snood up over his head. He is lightly bearded, and covered in snow. In his arms he carries three large boxes wrapped up in pages from the Guardian. They are carried in such a way as to give him as much of a cruciform appearance as possible without dropping anything.

STEW
Fiat sex!
(to camera, CU:)
O gratia placendi!

The women are enthralled by his presence as he enters, dusting off snow. He tosses a parcel to each.

They tear into their parcels to reveal glass-cased novelty singing fish.

They are less than impressed.

MARY petulantly tosses hers into the floor, causing the case to shatter.

The fish breaks into "Amazing Grace" over the Eb drone.

FISH
Amazing grace,
How sweet the sound...

The other two fish have been discarded also. One is placed on the floor, forward of the smashed one. The other is placed on a stool, left and back. These still-cased fish provide backing oohs.

FISH
That saved a wretch like me.

The women camply chase STEW in a circle around the barn.

FISH
I once was lost
But now am found,
Was blind but now I see.
Twas grace that taught
My heart to fear...

STEW grabs a wood and metal chair (of the "Ray" kitchen variety (Ep.0 etc)) and uses it to try and fend off the women.

FISH
And grace my fears relieved.
How precious did
That grace appear...
The hour I first believed.

STEW's snood is now down, and his damp hair begins to unravel.

FISH
Through many dangers,
Toils and snares,
I have already come...

With their long scarves, the women dance around STEW, subtly tying him to the postwork of the barn (in a cruciform position, of course).

FISH
Tis grace hath brought me
Safe thus far,
And grace will lead me home.
Yea, when this flesh
And heart shall fail,
And Mortal life shall cease,
I shall possess
Within the veil
A life of joy and peace.

Once he is secured, each woman kisses him in turn:

MARY kisses one lens of his glasses, leaving a lipstick mark.

SARAH kisses the other lens, similarly.

CAROLINE kisses his forehead, leaving filth and pewter-dust lips there.

FISH
When we've been there
Ten thousand years
Bright shining as the sun...
We've no less days
To sing His praise
Than when we've first begun.

At the oposite end of the barn are stairs, downwhich now come a pair of strappy, buckly, high motorcycle boots. Above these are black tights and green leather coat-tails. Above further is a skirt of green leather, a chunky metal belt, and a clingy bronze metallic top with a wide '80s-style neckline.

These clothes are worn by BHUVANA (Lauren Laverne). She also has big chunky gold earings, and her hair is up in a broad red (unshaved) Mohican.

She is flanked by IVY (Sue Perkins) and ELSIE (Cameron Diaz) who wear similar outfits, but without coats. They wear brown leather cuffs around their wrists, and their hair is in cropped spikes of their own colour. ELSIE carries a sword. IVY holds a staff, atop which is a golden bird: probably an eagle, but perhaps a large wading bird or a duck of some kind. The bird clutches with webbed feet the legend "SPQE".

BHUVANA and her retinue walk steadily towards STEW.

MARY, SARAH and CAROLINE prostrate themselves before her.

BHUVANA waves them aside.

CU shot of BHUVANA and STEW looking straight at each other with level eyes. STEW glances down.

STEW looks back up and smiles.

Rumbling, disonant music begins to escalate into a crescendo.

A shot of their waists now, from an angle that shows the left side of BHUVANA. BHUVANA signals with her left hand, and ELSIE jabs her sword into STEW's side, just beneath his right rib.

STEW's eyes become contorted in pain; his smile disolving into an agonised O.

The shot breaks away to mid-torso.
BHUVANA thrusts her hand into the hole left by the sword.
She feels around.

There is a cracking sound, followed promptly by a shriek of pain from STEW.

Break away to a shot of STEW's eyes, in pain.

Mid-torso shot.

BHUVANA fiddles a bit more before drawing out one of STEW's ribs, all bloody.

Shot to show that STEW is unconscious.

BHUVANA examines the bone, perhaps sniffing it. She then tosses it into the air.

The soundtrack takes on Ligertian proportions as we follow the bone up into the rafters of the barn.

Vision and sound...

 ...CUT TO:
FX:

A silver bullet on a black background. It is positioned at the same angle as the bone was before the cut.

There is a slow-motion explosion at the base of the bullet, launching it left. The camera angle moves to follow it, and in so doing becomes it.

The camera rotates in slow motion towards a point of light. The point opens up to become the following setting, revealing rifling in the black surround.

...EXT - DEVONSHIRE GREEN, SHEFFIELD - DAY

Spinning bullet-cam (slow-mo; we'll vary the rate to synch-up events as necesarry), out of the gun, through the skate park and across the green towards the road and the bookshop beyond.

In our line of fire is an approaching armoured 2CV, and beyond that the first floor window of the book shop. Broken glass is raining from that window, in which stands BABYSHAM whose laser eye is going haywire and spilling light in all directions.

Another bullet is in our shot, also spinning towards the 2CV, at a slightly different angle to us. We might also make out two bullets coming in the opposite direction, from the window to the car, but, as they're small and pretty much head on (with a car increasingly in the way), it will be hard to see them.

Our bullet and the second bullet tear through the wall of the 2CV at the same moment (but in different places), and our bullet continues up through the darkness and into the stomach of a cowled ALEX who is driving the vehicle. It then passes through Alex (all pumping tissue) and out the other side. We can now see that the head of GOD (a comp-gen Dennis Potter) is in line of fire.

We go thwacking into the back of his head, still in line with the window of the book shop. As we impact, the screen fills with an explosion of blood and mercury, and then whites out.

Accompany the above with a buzzing crescendo of sound that cuts out at the impact.

Beat.

Overhead shot of the 2CV, which now has its top off. There is chaos all around. Sound is subdued like after a rock concert. JACKIE (Julia Sawalha), dressed as Jackie Kennedy, is screaming at ROBERT WINSTON (Alistair McGowan doing his Groucho Marx thing).

As we zoom closer, we see ALEX is rocking, clutching his stomach, in the front seat, while in the back, STEW is clutching and rocking GOD, but GOD's brains are, alas, spilling out all over the back seat, and mercury is dribbling down his chest. STEW is crying and babbling, and the rocking is causing the 2CV to shake.

We zoom further and further in, past STEW, and towards the dead and bloodshot eye of GOD.

We zoom right in, through the pupil, rotating the shot as we do so.

 MIX TO:
EXT - SUTTON-ON-SEA BEACH BAR, 1980s - EVENING

We are outside a bar on the prom down from Mablethorpe. Shoot to incorporate the sand of the beach, but not the sea. We will need to consult tide tables in advance to find an evening when there's some sand to look at.

MARY, STEW and a ginger JOHN are sat on the sea defences, drinking from bottles of Israeli lager. An illuminated green HOME ALES sign is above the bar behind them, but with HOME ALES written in Hebrew.

Adoring crowds are sat around the three: on the wall, on the tables behind them, and below the sea wall, on the beach. Some are still eating chips. STEW is eating garlic-flavoured Seabrook crisps.

It is a breezy night.

Dialogue for this scene is in Aramaic, with English subs.

STEW
And he opens his eyes and says "Thanks a bunch.
I was just getting it on with the Queen of Sheba"!

Laughter. One of the extras behind them squeezes in, proferring a bit of paper which STEW duly autographs.

MARY
This beer is like weasel waz.

STEW
(to extra)
Thanks.
(to Mary)
I can liven it up a bit if you like.

MARY
Go for it.

He waves his free hand at her bottle.

STEW
Zim-zalla-bim.
Barley wine.
(to John)
John?

JOHN
Zap it, daddy-o.

STEW
Ta-da.

JOHN
Nice one.

Another autograph hunter gets STEW's scrawl. We don't study it.

A "POV" shot of the sun setting over the dunes (no sea in sight). Add a little post-production heat-haze.

STEW signs another autograph. MARY cleans out her nails. JOHN is lounging and looking at the sky.

We have a couple of closer shots of MARY and JOHN.

Close shot of MARY. She looks up.

MARY
How's it going to end?

STEW looks up from signing yet another autograph. We don't see who for yet.

STEW
What?

Sunset.

MARY fingering her nails again.

STEW
There you go. Be good now.

STEW passes the signed paper to the autograph hunter: ALEX, dressed as he was in Episode 6. ALEX smiles an evil grin and pockets the paper.

MARY
It's going to end badly, isn't it.

JOHN looking away to his left (our right).

STEW signing another autograph.

He comes back into the conversation.

STEW
(in English)
Is it..?

MARY
(in English)
Yes.

STEW downs his drink.

Shot of JOHN clasping his hands impatiently.

STEW
(in Aramaic)
Crisp?

JOHN takes one.

MARY
(in English)
You're not taking this seriously.

STEW
(in English)
I suppose not.

JOHN
(in Aramaic)
Damned good crisps.

MARY, shaking her head, looks impatiently to her right (our left).

Sunset shot, with the sillhouette of ALEX walking over the dunes and away from us.
 

FADE TO BLACK.

FADE UP ON:

EDINBURGH - EARLY EVENING

Establish shot... Arthur's Seat in the background.

CAPTION: Caesarea Philippi

A red and blue paneled, clapped out '70s Ford Transit pulls up, obscuring the shot. The back doors swing open and out clamber SIMON and JOHN, followed by MARY and STEW. MARY has over-done mascara, SIMON has big curly hair, JOHN has ginger hair, and the whole group of them look more hippy than usual. But it shouldn't be over-played.

MARY passes a spliff to STEW, who takes a drag.

The group look about. SIMON pats on the closed back door of the van as the van drives away. He deports himself in the manner of a hard rugby player.

The group have no luggage. Together they head into the city.

STEW peels off and heads into a side-alley for to evacuate his bladder after the long journey north.

The others head on a little.

In the alley, STEW pisses.

A throat clears, and STEW looks up.

From a doorway appears a cowled figure. He saunters out like he's Orson Welles or something. He's clutching a piece of paper behind his back. His hood is down but his face is obscured by shadow. It is ALEX.

ALEX
I am the flame of life;
the defender of man.

Despite the intrusion, STEW continues his slashing, paying more attention to that than to ALEX. We concentrate on STEW and rely on the TOP LEFT as an effective ALEX shot.

STEW
I can cure that.

He waves his piss about a bit.

STEW
What you got there?

Shot of STEW turning his head to face ALEX for the first time since he first noticed him.

Side-on shot, with a torso-shot of ALEX and STEW (no heads). STEW snatches the paper from ALEX's mits, though ALEX lets him without resistance.

STEW shakes off his last drops with his right hand and holds the paper up into the light with his left, resting it against the wall. There is an obvious masthead in bold Hebrew script.

The shot is suitably framed as to be worthy of a translating caption:

CAPTION:
DEED OF COVENANT

STEW begins to scrutinise the sheet with more seriousness than before.

As he reads, he forgets about his cock, bringing up his right hand to grasp the page.

STEW
How did you get this?

ALEX
You should be careful what you sign...

STEW
Seriously...

ALEX
It's your signature. In goat.
<beat>
Virgin goat at that.
That's just a duplicate.

STEW
Where's the original?

ALEX
Somewhere else.
Why? Wanna buy it?

A close shot of ALEX. He pulls down his cowl, showing him wearing round-rimmed mirrored sunglasses.

He looks up to the sky... a setting sun is visable along the alleyway -- in the reflection of the glasses.

STEW
Like that, eh?

STEW finally puts his cock away, gaining confidence.

Meanwhile, ALEX removes his glasses and holds them out before him... He's using them like a magnifying glass against the dying sun... squinting at the lens, held at arm's length:

ALEX
All the gold I could ever wish for is up there...

STEW looks across to the sun. Squints and recoils from the change in light.

STEW
What? In dem dere hills?

ALEX replaces his specs, and generates an air of scorn.

STEW is more nervous again.

STEW
Look. What is it you're after?

ALEX
Freedom.

As he says this, we see the sun setting through his glasses. As the sun vanishes, we...

FADE TO BLACK.
A static burst and we CUT TO:

INT - CHURCH HALL - EVENING

We're in an anonymous church hall. There is a small crowd sat in plastic chairs. On the stage in similar chairs sit MARY, SIMON, JOHN, JIMMY (Jason Connery), ANDREW (...o'Connor), PHILIPPA (...Forester), NATALIE (...Portman), TOM (..Paulin), MATTHEW (...Paris) and (Simon...) PEGG. All are dressed in a somewhat hippy new-age manner, except Matthew who is dressed in supermarket jeans, a pinstripe shirt and tie, and a bowler hat.
At the front of the stage prances STEW, like some sort of Russell Brand tribute act.

The scene is shot on blotchy digital camcorder.

STEW is employing the fervant delivery of a fundamentalist cleric. Despite their dress, his gang show all the peace and love of a late '80s cabinet at Tory Party confrence. And the crowd are letting the whole thing drip into them, with little emotion showing. The crowd are also clearly working class in their dress.

The first ominous thwang of Purcell's Music for the Funeral of Queen Mary, as realised by someone doing a musical impersonation of Wendy Carlos.

The blotchiness overcomes the picture which CUTS TO:

EXT - VABRUGH QUAYS, YORK UNI., - MORNING

STEW and his ten disciples (as listed for the church hall footage), walking along like cocks of the yard, alongside the lake. Up front with STEW are SIMON, JOHN and MATTHEW, with the rest following. The footage is in slow motion. Funeral of Queen Mary plays over the top.

From inside his flowing coat, STEW produces a bike pump, extending it with a deft flick of the wrist. He then wheels around and whacks JOHN with it. JOHN, taken off guard, staggers sideways, and stumbles into the lake.

As this occurs, Purcell lovers will have noticed a subtle divergence in the chords being played, as the tune seamlessly segues into a rendering of the introduction to Abba's "Lay All Your Love On Me".

The music explodes in a shower of glitter, and we are in:

INT - SHEFFIELD ROXY - NIGHT

The Roxy was a big club that was desanctified and turned into a church. We've gone back in and '80sed it up.
A wurlitzer organ rises up the back of the room, being played by SIMON in big hair mode. He wears a glittering '70s disco dress.

The funky pair of phrases between the opening and the first verse allow us time to look around the building.

Then, emerging from behind a pillar, at the top of some stairs: JOHN with red locks, and disco-ed up red biblical robes, plus glittery boots and feather boa.

The whole thing is shot in soft focus with a diffuser.

JOHN
I wasn't jealous before we met;
Now every one that I see is a potential threat;
And I'm possessive -- it isn't nice;
You've heard me saying that smoking was my only vice,
But now it isn't true,
Now everything is new,
And all I've learned has overturned;
I beg of you...

STEW descends on wires, with the descending tones. He wears a big white Demis Roussos kaftan thing, and is in full Barry Gibb hair and beard. He holds out his hand to us and sings along with JOHN:

STEW
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

We have a phrase of mild disco-funk, which begins with a DISSOLVE TO:

EXT - RIVER OUSE - EARLY MORNING

Various scenes with MADONNA (Christine Talbot) on a gondola, floating beneath the bridges of York. She wears blue and white biblical robes covering her head. Her face and hands are the only flesh on show. She has a perspex halo. Around her neck she has various beady necklaces, and around her wrists there are simple bangles. Her feet wear chunky Regency ankle boots, and she has white woolly tights beyond them. She gyrates sensuously about the boat, like a belly dancer with an inch she can't reach. The sequence is shot a la Like a Virgin.

MADONNA
It was like shooting a sitting duck:
A little small talk, a smile and, baby, I was stuck.
I still don't know what you've done with me;
A grown-up woman should never fall so easily.

MIX TO:
INT - ROXY - NIGHT

MADONNA poledancing. Her outfit is now made out of a glittery blue slinky fabric, with sequins for the white bits.

MADONNA
I feel a kind of fear
When I don't have you near
Unsatisfied, I skip my pride;
I beg you dear...

She slides down the pole with the slide in the music, and passes down to a lower level.
Here are GABRIEL and BHUVANA in racy mini-dresses. GABRIEL's white outfit also has pink fairy-wings. His neon halo flashes pink with the music. BHUVANA's costume is red.

BHUVANA & GABRIEL
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

STEW joins the trio. Camera focusses on BHUVANA:

Don't go sharing your devotion;
Lay all your love on me.

Two phrases lead us to another part of the building, where MARY is sat, tapping her legs with the beat. Her costume is green and trashy. The lighting is largely red. She is seated on a small chair. We track around to the front of her.
She sings to camera, with accompanying disco hand movements.

MARY
I've had a few little love affairs;
They didn't last very long and they've been...

The hand-jive reaches a turn to the left. We cut as she swivels on her stool.
Cut to MARY wheeling left, on her feet now, with no chair.

MARY
 ...pretty scarce.

She does so more actions, facing us. Another change of direction after four bars.
Cut to the new angle. Behind her now are SIMON, JIMMY, ANDREW, PHILIPPA, NATALIE, TOM, MATTHEW and PEGG. The men are bronzed and oiled in variously coloured croptop string vests and tight trousers. The women are in off-the-shoulder batwing croptops and miniskirts. The men do the hand-jive routine behind MARY, with some more elaborate dancing from the two women.

MARY
I used to think that was sensible;
It makes the truth even more incompre...

Turn again. The group is expanded to contain JIM_RG, LEON, IVY, ELSIE, JOHN, GABRIEL, BHUVANA and MADONNA.

MARY
...hensible.

After another half-length routine, another turn.

This time mix or cut (whichever is most effective) to a CU shot of MARY. We get to see the immaculate work of the makeup woman who has used half the world's reserves of gold in eye-shadow alone. The lip-gloss is so shiny it glares. The shot is broad enough for lots of arm movements. But there are no dancers, and the set is more confined.

MARY
Cos everything is new,
And everything is you,

Broader shot, with JOHN and MADONNA flanking her. Big arm-based dance moves will culminate in suitably sweeping final gesture.

MARY
And all I've learned has overturned;

MARY, JOHN, MADONNA
What can I do?

Wibbly Bohemian Rhapsody effect and MIX TO:
The massed ranks of this scene's cast (minus SIMON) perform a choreographed routine. STEW, BHUVANA, JOHN and MARY take centre-stage.

ALL
Don't go wasting your emotion;
Lay all your love on me.

They all turn 90°. We CUT with them.

Don't go sharing your devotion;
Lay all your love on me.

Another 90° turn. We cut with them. We are now shooting from 180° to our initial shot, past SIMON on the keyboard. Because of their turns, the chorus are still facing us, but we concentrate more on SIMON. The ensemble repeat the chorus. We do not move with them on their next turn but instead begin to crane away. We mix and crane out of:

EXT - ROXY - DAWN

As a belated establish shot.
 

FADE TO BLACK.
TOP LEFT
BOTTOM LEFT
BOTTOM RIGHT
TOP RIGHT
A red rectangle flips into view along its horizontal axis. It is slightly smaller than the frame so as to give it a black border. As it appears, a tinny tone plays an A. Then the rectangle flaps back out of existence.
A blue rectangle does the same thing, this time playing the D above the A that was played with the red rectangle.
A yellow rectangle plays the G above the D of the last rectangle.
And a green rectangle plays an A that is an octave above the original A of the red rectangle.
The...
...pattern...
...is...
...repeated.
Again...
...but...
...double...
...speed.
Repeat the quick one another three times. Then, with the appropriate notes, just switching on with no flip:
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TOP frames combine to give:

INT - CHURCH HALL - NIGHT

JOHN, in Pete Townsend mode, windmills at an electric guitar, left front. He makes a bent and sonorous whine.

In the back right, the other disciples are visible:

SIMON is very distant, plugging away at an unseen synth.
JIMMY is the topless drummer.
ANDREW is a rhythm guitarist.
PHILIPPA and NATALIE are glamourous backing vocalists.
TOM has a saxophone.
MATTHEW brandishes a violin.
PEGG is playing the role of a moody bassist.
MARY has a tambourine ready by the side of her Stevie Nicks floaty dress.

An audience is present.

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CUT TO:
A new angle of the same, which combines the LEFT frames.
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The band revs up. . .
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The band plays.
Assorted shots across the frames.
Ad lib.
CUT TO:
A shot of SIMON plugging away at a pair of black-cased Simple Simon electronic games. His crude chords continue through the song.
CUT TO:
STEW looking all suave and Bryan Ferry.

STEW
Make me a deal
And make it straight:
All signed and sealed;
I'll take it.
To Robert E. Lee
I'll show it;
I only hope he don't blow it
Cos...

JOHN hits the wrong chord. 
The piece falls apart.
General criticism ad libbed at JOHN.
 ...we've been around
A long time...
Through the aisle of the audience, back to us, LEON paces towards the stage with a stately momentum. In his right hand is the violin case from the start of the episode.  STEW looks about him, wondering what happened to the backing. Feedback whistles. 
JOHN is forced off stage by the rest of the collective. While general disappointment continues within the other frames, LEON mounts the steps to the stage.
The two BOTTOM frames combine for a shot of LEON unfastening his violin case. We don not see what is within it, but the contents glow a brilliant white which saturates and fades to white the shot.
The top frames wipe / mix to white. The top frames wipe / mix to white.
MIX TO:
EXT - McARTHUR GLEN RETAIL OUTLET, YORK - DAY

MARY appears in a doorway, clutching two large shopping bags.

She steps out into the carpark, and makes her way across.

We make use of a more distant position. As MARY reaches about half way, we pan left to reveal, one by one, the other disciples queuing at a bus stop. They are, in order of reveal (and greatest distance from stop sign):

PEGG, MATTHEW, TOM, NATALIE, PHILIPPA, ANDREW, JIMMY, SIMON, LEON and STEW.

As MARY reaches the queue, a bus hisses into shot, obscuring the cast as it comes to a halt.

INT - 403 BUS - DAY

STEW exchanges pensive but knowing looks with the driver, CHRIS (Christian Slater).

STEW and his posse board the bus.

EXT - McCARTHUR GLEN - DAY

We see the bus pulling away. The destination, on a matrix sign, reads: 403 JERUSALEM.

INT - 403 BUS - DAY

STEW is sat at the centre of the back seat, flanked by LEON (on his right) and MARY (on his left). NATALIE sits next to Mary, then PHILIPPA. TOM sits next to Leon, then MATTHEW.

SIMON, ANDREW, PEGG and JIMMY sit on benches facing the back seat. With their backs to us, they are arranged thus, L to R.

Directly in front of them are seated:
Left of the aisle: OLD WOMAN 1 (Glenda Jackson) and OLD WOMAN 2 (Helen Atkinson Wood).
Right of the aisle: JIM_RG and ANNA (Daniel Radcliffe).

ANDREW pulls out his mobile phone and prods it a bit.

A tinny Pinky & Perky version of Toto's Rosanna begins to emanate from it.

LEON whispers something to STEW.

STEW raises his hand in LEON's direction to quell him.

The other disciples chatter loudly and uncouthly, ad lib. The four other non-extras are clearly a little annoyed by the noise.

JIM_RG turns towards ANDREW.

JIM_RG
Excuse me, Could you...

STEW
Jim.

JIM_RG
Stew?
I didn't recognise...
Your mum's worried sick.
You should call her.

STEW
That fucking witch?
Don't think so.

JIM_RG
(shaking his head)
Are you alright?

STEW
So so.

JIM_RG
(to ANDREW)
Can you turn that off, please?

SIMON flicks open a knife.

STEW
I think you'd better leave it, Jim.

JIM_RG, clearly annoyed and disappointed, looks at STEW.

STEW shows no emotion.

JIM_RG
Just give her a ring.

He turns back, shaking his head. ANNA is in tears. He comforts her.
At the same time:

STEW
That's it. Turn the other cheek.
(to his gang)
He's getting it.

EXT - WALMGATE BARBICAN, YORK - DAY

Shooting from outside the city, we follow the bus, with the city wall in the background, panning as it approaches the barbican of Walmgate Bar.

The bus enters the barbican and we fade to a shot from the other side of the wall.

Shooting from within the city, looking up Walmgate to the bar. A cherry-picker is parked at the side of the road, and is lopping branches off trees by the road. Many of the branches and leaves are spilling into the road. There is a shower of arboreal debris, which is rather pretty.

Into this debris drives the 403 bus, as it appears from beneath the bar. The bus crunches over the foliage and past camera.

FADE.

CUT TO:

EXT - DEV GREEN - MORNING

The crowd has dispersed from the scene of God's assassination. The street is crawling with police, some of whom are questioning small groups of witnesses. General crime-scene atmosphere. Beyond the tape are journalists, but only a handful because the rain is bucketing down. Police are flash photographing the 2CV.

We view through the pack of journalists who are mainly silhouettes.

Two plain-clothed officers in suits, JUNE (Trudie Goodwin) and GINA (Roberta Taylor) step out of the Green Room bar, shepherding STEW between them.

The unidentified journalists chatter. We overhear the following amongst the hubbub.

JOURNALIST 1
Is he really going back there?

The officers put up black brollies, partly obscuring STEW. STEW is wearing a grey pack-a-mac.

JOURNALIST 2
Well there he is, Let's ask him.

TEW is clearly distraught. The officers are doing their best to support him. An NME JOURNO (Paul Morley) breaks the barrier to rush him.

NME JOURNO
Stew! Is that Lammo's mac you're wearing?

STEW shies away from the flash photography. A black car is waiting nearby and the police are herding STEW to it.

JUNE
Please; there will be no interviewing him
until after Saturday.

NME JOURNO
By the way, Where'd you meet him?

They're just pushing him into the car, when STEW leaps up with instrumental backing:

STEW
I met him in Division Street,
He took it off and passed it me.

Someone brazenly takes a photo right in front of STEW.

STEW
You get the picture?

JUNE
This way, please.

STEW
That's when I first saw the DJ Steve Lamacq.

STEW is dragged into the car which pulls away with a broooooooom.

INT - BLACK POLICE CAR - MORNING

Windscreen wipers going. The driver, CATO (Philip Whitchurch), looks up at his rear view mirror to see STEW sat between the two officers in the back seat.
 

MIX TO:
INT - BUS - MORNING

STEW between MARY and LEON.

MARY
My folks were always putting Him down.

LEON & STEW
Down, Down.

MARY
They said that He came from the wrong side of town.

SIMON, ANDREW,
PEGG & JIMMY
What you mean When you say that He came
From the wrong side of town?

MARY
They told me He was bad,
But I knew that He was sad;
That's why I fell for the leader of the pack.


MIX BACK TO:


INT - UNMARKED POLICE CAR - MORNING

STEW
One day my dad said:
'Find someone new';
I had to tell my Johnny
We're through.

JUNE & GINA
What He mean
When He said
That you better go
Find somebody new?

STEW
He stood there
And asked me why,
But all I could do was lie.

JUNE & GINA
He sought to usurp you,
The leader of the pack.

NT - BUS

The disciples are quietly doo-dooing.

LEON
I'm set to smile
And kiss him goodbye.
His fear is beginning to show.

STEW
As we drive away
On that rainy day,
I beg them to go slow;

INT - POLICE CAR

STEW (vo)
Whether he heard me,
I'll never know.

The car is heading down Furnival Street to the junction with Brown Street.

BOND's Aston whooshes past.

JUNE & GINA
No no no no
No no no...

PICHOLL's 2CV crosses their path.

STEW
Look out! Look out!
Look out! Look out!

Braking hard to miss the collision.

INT - BUS

STEW
I feel so helpless;
What can I do?
Remembering all the things
We've been through.

LEON
The fools,
They won't understand
The role that I'll play
In the masterplan;
I'll never betray him;
The leader of the pack.

SIMON, ANDREW,
PEG & JIMMY
Ooh. Ooh-ooh-ooh ooh.

NATALIE, PHILIPPA,
TOM & MATTHEW
The leader of the pack,
And now he's come.

STEW
Yeah yeah yeah
Yeah yeah yeah.

EXT - YORK MINSTER - DAY

The bus pulls up outside the cathedral as the music repeats and fades out.

STEW et al disembark.

STEW, in sweeping coat, leads his gang into the Minster, on what is a sunny day.

INT - YORK MINSTER - DAY

We've really made the place look good, with floodlighting through the stained glass, and a bit of smoke to catch the light.

Tourists abound.

STEW marches through past the kiosk, manned by an OLD WOMAN (Liz Smith).

OLD WOMAN
(meekly)
Excuse me...

STEW turns on her, with an aspect of savagery.

STEW
(too sweetly)
Yes, dear?

OLD WOMAN
(reading from a card)
The Minster receives no financial support from
central or local government for the building's upkeep,
and reluctantly, we have had to introduce
an entry charge to maintain this holy and historic building.
We trust you understand why we have had to take this step.

SIMON and ANDREW start digging into their pockets behind STEW. But STEW is going a funny colour.

With great effort, he lifts up the till and throws it to the floor, then stumbles about, knocking as much kiosk material to the ground as he can find to move. As he goes about this:

STEW
(loudly and stilted)
It is written:
My house shall be called the house of prayer!
But you lot have made it a den of thieves!
Come. Let us leave this polluted sepulchre.

The old woman is shaking in fear as STEW pushes her aside.

He leads his minions back out the door. He is clearly irate.

PHILIPPA mouths a shrugged and wide-eyed "sorry" at the OLD WOMAN as she wheels past her. At the same time:

PEGG
(quietly, to MATTHEW)
I thought he could've argued that better...

LEON stares back at him.

FADE.
EXT - MINSTER - DAY

An ice-cream van. In the back, serving ice-creams to a sweet little girl is ARCHIE (Tony Pitts), who wears a 1995 Sheffield Wednesday shirt.

STEW comes up and shoves the girl out of the way. He is clearly enraged.

STEW
A strawberry Ninety-Nine.

ARCHIE
We've not got any strawberry.
We got raspberry ripple.

MARY and LEON exchange glances.

STEW just turns away from the van and walks back to his posse.

STEW
Let no icecream sell from there henceforward for ever.

The girl has returned to the van with her mother. ARCHIE passes her her ice-cream, and pours on it strawberry sauce from a decapitated head.

The girl bursts into tears. The ice-cream bursts into flames. ARCHIE's freezers suddenly explode into balls of fire, and ARCHIE is forced to escape through the roof light. As he does so, a light aircraft plummets into the flaming van. All this in the background.

The gang are gawping at this.
STEW manoeuvres them away from the scene. At the same time:

STEW
Verily I say unto you:
If you have faith, and don't doubt,
you shall not only do this which is done
to the ice cream van, but also if you shall say
to this building, "Be thou removed, and
be thou cast into the sea", it shall be done.

PEGG
Woh. How cool is that?

FADE.

 
MIX TO:
EXT - POLICE STATION - DAY

This is not the actual Police Station car-park. Rather it is the car-park of the Niche nightclub. We shoot in CCTV quality from a fixed high angle.

The black car stopping in the car park.

After a moment, the back doors open, and JUNE and GINA escort the phased STEW out of the car.

They escort STEW up a flight of stairs to the left of shot.

STEW is escorted through doors at the top of the stairs, and into the station.
 

INT - BACK LOBBY OF POLICE STATION - DAY

A tradesman's entrance. Several officers are being generally frantic and there is much commotion, as STEW is escorted into the room.

Reveal ROBOSHAM (a smooth metal robot with rotating pikes) approaching through the melee. Before him he holds the palm of his left hand on which spin 3ft long blades. These rather brutally and bloodily chop down any police in his path. Note: All Bill cast have blue blood. Babysham cast and extras have red blood.

JUNE and GINA stare agog; frozen.

STEW just stares intently at ROBOSHAM.

ROBOSHAM retracts its blades.

ROBOSHAM stands there facing STEW.

STEW approaches.

ROBOSHAM prostates itself before STEW, albeit still hovering 2" off the floor.

STEW puts out his hand and touches ROBOSHAM's head.

STEW closes his eyes. He screws up his face; angered and tearful.

A sound like a burst of energy.

STEW's screwed up face falls forward out of shot while patterns of red light dance off everything.

New angle to reveal BABYSHAM stood at the end of the corridor, clutching his bandage in his right hand. His left arm is held out with a metal spike extending from the wrist. His eye is spilling laser light all over the place.

BABYSHAM
Caesar, now be still...

MOODY, JADE, ALAN and SPILLAINE catch up with BABYSHAM and are bemused by the scene.

STEW lies dead, with a metal rod through his chest. ROBOSHAM clutches him in his arms like Michelangelo's Pietà. The rod is hissing, and as it does so, it melts and drips into a pool of mercury. ROBOSHAM holds his head against STEW and wails.

BABYSHAM grins a slightly evil grin. He relaxes his arm, and the spike retracts into it.

ALAN
(with a newfound confidence)
He's not going to resurrect again, is he?

WHITE OUT.
INT - BLACK SWAN, YORK - AFTERNOON

In a side room, disciples are eating at a table. Two empty places. To the left of these are NATALIE and PHILIPPA. To the right are LEON, TOM and MATTHEW. Opposite them are SIMON, ANDREW, PEGG and JIMMY.

In the corner, by the fireplace, STEW is stripped naked. MARY is knelt by him. Angle at first suggests she is giving him a blow-job. But she is opening an impressive alabaster box which looks not unlike the casket from ANSIV. The contents glow.

MARY lifts the box over STEW's head and pours from it a thick, syrupy ointment. It has a waxy golden sheen.

MARY uses a spatula to smear the paste across STEW's body, and STEW is the only one who touches the material, rubbing it across every inch of flesh.

The disciples steadily notice what is going on, and seem a bit bemused and somewhat disturbed. Except LEON who just keeps eating.

SIMON
What're you doing?

MARY
The master is to be anointed.

TOM
Aw, come on.

MATTHEW
That stuff looks awfully expensive.

SIMON
We could've sold that for a small fortune
and given the proceeds to the poor or something.

MATTHEW
And don't you think it's a bit off, luxuriating in
precious oils while we've got this board on tic?
Where'd you get it from, anyway?

MARY
Never you mind.
It's all paid for.

SIMON
Capitalist bullshit.
I thought we'd eschewed
wealth in the interests of
the needy. C'mon!

STEW
Why trouble the woman?
Can't you see she's working wonders on me?

SIMON
What's wrong with you?
We could feed and clothe a dozen people
with the price we'd get for that stuff.

MATTHEW
This dozen for instance.

STEW
Give it a rest.
The poor'll always be around.
But I'm only here on limited release.
I think a bit of pampering is the least I deserve,
don't you?

SIMON
You been on the pop?

STEW
And anyway, this embrocation
is the embalming before my burial.

LEON scrapes his chair loudly. He stands, throwing a napkin into his plate, and leaves the room deliberately.

SIMON
Now look what you've gone an done.
John was right. You're going fucking
wappy in your dotage.

STEW
Oh. Put a sock in it.
Enjoy it while it lasts.

SIMON
Alright for you to say.

SIMON, annoyed, lays into a lamb shank. The rest have already lost interest and returned to their dinner.

MARY is smoothing out the glaze. The material is baking into a flexible resinous membrane across STEW's flesh; like the stuff you put on a verucca.

MIX TO:
INT - POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

JADE is being dragged away from the corpse of STEW by POLICEWOMAN and HOLLIS. GINA and JUNE are dragging STEW away.
They are helped by sundry ex-cast of The Bill.

EXT - POLICE STATION - AFTERNOON

The same locked off CCTV shot from before. A riot van is pulled up at the foot of the stairs.

GINA & JUNE drag STEW's body through the door, and start lugging it down the stairs.

The body rolls down the stairs dragging GINA & JUNE with it.

GINA & JUNE pick themselves up.

An anonymous looking cop appears from behind the van with a poodle on a lead.

GINA & JUNE lug STEW up to the van. STEW's jeans are falling down.

STEW's body is thrown into the back of the van.

The van pulls away and out onto West Bar.

EXT - WEST BAR, SNIG HILL, CASTLE SQUARE - AFTERNOON

Out on the road, there's a big metal bison causing trouble..

The bison is drawn to the police van.

The van has its lights and sirens on.

The bison keeps ramming the van, trying to break open the door.

The van makes its way up the hill, past chez Babysham et al, trying to outrun the powerful metal bison.

Eventually, the van reaches the top of the hill, and Castle Square, where the double helix from Babysham Ep6 still rises from the Hole in the Road.

The van sweeps left, round the roundabout, at full belt, before sweeping around it and on towards Arundel.
The bison doesn't quite make the corner so cleanly. It corrects its path left slightly, but as the van pulls slightly further away, the bison's path arcs back to a straight line and the bison leaps off the edge and into the helix.

EXT - EPIC CENTRE APRON - AFTERNOON

A St John Ambulance is waiting at the top of the car park we visited earlier. It pulls out onto Arundel to be alongside the police van, and then it drives into the van, sending the van veering right.

The van doesn't seem to mind though. It steers into the Novotel carpark.

The ambulance isn't able to make the corner, and its right turn only takes it into the wrong lane of traffic.

Reveal ALEX to be driving.

He weaves about while shouting (unheard) into a CB radio.

The ambulance crashes into the Fitzallan crater.

In the distance, the One o' Clock time signal flares up. The intensity of the siren builds.

WHITE OUT.

MIX TO:

EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS, YORK - NIGHT

A tent pitched in a field by the river.

A figure pacing in the moonlight, outside the tent.

Reveal it to be STEW.

He looks very nervous and is wringing his hands.

He keeps checking a pocket watch that looks like a powder compact.

INT - TENT - NIGHT

STEW sticks his head through. There in the tent sleep SIMON, MARY and JIMMY. MARY has her arm over JIMMY's sleeping bag. SIMON is faced the other way.

Shot of STEW looking empty.

Torchlights shine through the canvas, and shadows come into focus behind STEW.

EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS - NIGHT

STEW being collared by STAMP (Graham Cole) and QUINNAN (Andrew Paul). There are several other The Bill cops who enter the tent and drag out the three disciples.

A sense of chaos and torchlight.

The four lined up outside the tent, held by police. They struggle and get their hair pulled.

LEON emerges from the darkness. He walks up to STEW and snogs him under a torchbeam.

STAMP nods to his men who release the three cronies. STEW on the other hand is cuffed and pushed along.

A scuffle. The glint of SIMON's knife. A plop of ear-lobe.

SIMON is punched to the ground. QUINNAN holds his ear. He kicks SIMON in the stomach and the police move away with STEW into the darkness.
 

FADE TO BLACK.
FADE UP ON:
EXT - NOVOTEL - AFTERNOON

The remains of the Novotel.

Within the remaining framework of the building, we can make out two figures lugging a corpse up the stairs.

INT - NOVOTEL ROOF - APOCALYPSE

Two uniform police: STAMP (Graham Cole) and QUINNAN (Andrew Paul), lugging the corpse of STEW to a rather elaborate doorway.

QUINNAN hits a release mechanism, and hydraulics and dry ice explode into life. A combined door and staircase lowers towards them.

They lug STEW up into the brilliant white light of the doorway.
 

MIX TO:
EXT - YORK POLICE STATION - DAWN

Viewed from across the Ouse, perhaps with pubs in view.

Establish.

INT - POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - DAWN

It's the same interview room from Babysham. As ever, we start high in the light and work down towards our subjects. In this case, MARTY is pacing, while SIMON is sat, cuffed and bandaged. SPILLAINE stands by the door.

SIMON
Look, you've got it all wrong...

MARTY
Don't give me that pile o' donkey shit.

SIMON
Honest, I don't even know the guy.

MARTY
We've got eye-witnesses saying otherwise;
Saying you're His actioner.
Saying you do His "wet-work".
Is that right, Rocky?

SIMON
I don't do anybody's "wet-work".
Not least this guy's, who I do not know.

MARTY
Oh, come on.
You're His bitch.

SIMON
I'm nobody's bitch.
Least of all this person who I definitely have not
had any dealings with whatsoever.

MARTY
I bet He makes you pull His little cock until it
spurts out onto your pathetic little bitch hand,
eh, Rocky?

SIMON
I think you're a very sick man.

MARTY
You think that's sick?
Watch this:

MARTY picks up a remote control and fires it at a TV monitor in the corner of the room.

View of the TV. Digital pop-up on screen, in Latin, telling us we're watching Frater Maximus on Canal IV.
Behind this, a high angle and slightly grainy shot of:

INT - ALCUIN JCR, YORK UNI - NIGHT.

A collection of social misfits plucked from the inside pages of Heat magazine sit in a circle of self-congratulation. A badly beaten STEW sits there too, wearing a holly wreath on his head like the Ghost of Christmas Present. He's also got on sandals, and a long white calico gown which he wears off the shoulder and belted. It'd not look too bad were it not for the blood seeping through from the whip marks on his torso.

If we can get Mr.T involved, he should be sat there, sombre, being comforted by the rest. Otherwise some random celeb... the more criminal the better... but not so criminal that we'd feel guilty paying them a fee.

We cut to this straight after sufficient establish through the TV set.

DAVINA
(Davina McColl;
manipulated archive)
(voice over, with crowd noise)
Big Brother House,
This is Davina.
You are live on television.
Please do not swear.
The viewers have voted.
The next person to be eliminated is...
...Stew!

General relief from all. Acceptance from STEW.

DAVINA
(vo)
Stew, you have thirty seconds
to leave the Big Brother House.

STEW gets up. No-one pays him any attention.

He walks over to a door, and steps through.

He goes up some steps to another door and waits for it to open.

The door opens.

WHITE OUT & MIX TO:
EXT - ARUNDEL GATE - APOCALYPSE

The tower of the Novotel as seen from the horizon of Furnival Square.

Smoke billows out from below the round feature on the top of the hotel.

Closer angle of the top of the Novotel breaking away from its mooring, like that film of the Saturn rocket jettisoning its ice.

The white-panelled ship unscrews from the Novotel roof.

The Novotel saucer frees itself and spirals up into the cloudy sky.

Our broader angle.

This angle is interrupted by the wall of the Wedding Cake which rises up in front of camera.

Reverse angle as the Wedding Cake rises perfectly from Furnival Square in a majestic spiral.

As it emerges fully, it gives a little wobble.

Shot from behind, Wedding Cake in foreground, Novotel Saucer distant.

INT - WEDDING CAKE CONTROL ROOM

A battered looking ALEX sits in the control chair clutching a computer keyboard and looking up at a monitor showing the view ahead.

He controls the ship's movements with the keyboard.

He's tailing the Novotel.

This view is intercut with exterior action shots, to provide some sense of drama.

A quad-cannon pops out from the bottom of the Wedding Cake.

ALEX fires some sort of laser pulse weapon at the Novotel.

Winged, the Novotel scuds down into the city again, hoping to find protection from the damaged buildings.

Blockbusters shots of the two saucers whizzing along the ruined streets.

As the ships travel, the buildings around them begin to fade slightly in and out of reality.

The city dematerialises, leaving the two spacecraft flying through black limbo.

Stargate-style stars streak past on ALEX's monitor.

2001 lightshow for ALEX.

ALEX's POV of events.

The stars are crossing in an elongated latticework. They begin to create a wire-frame view of the bombed-out Sheffield, seen from the Moor end. Slowly the view comes back to reality.

EXT - PEACE GARDENS - APOCALYPSE

The remains of the Peace Gardens, with a big hole in the middle.

The Novotel comes sweeping along Pinstone Street and makes an impromptu crash-landing in the hollow.

The Wedding Cake flies over and fires a last volley at the Novotel saucer.

The Novotel saucer explodes.

MIX TO:
EXT - SIWARD'S HILL, YORK - NIGHT

A light moaning can be heard as we establish this hill, with a military-looking water tower on top.

We move about and see that drilled onto the wall with steel bolts are three naked figures: HANNAH (Annabel Giles), STEW and STEPH (Sarah Lancashire).

All three figures seem to be dead, but the light moaning suggests that at least one of them is still hanging on.

The three crucified are flanked by MOODY and SPILLAINE.

SPILLAINE checks his watch.

Two cowled figures approach MOODY and SPILLAINE.

They have a whispered conversation, and money is exchanged between the right hand figure and SPILLAINE.

The right hand figure turns around and pulls down his cowl, looking down from the hill. It is LEON.

The other figure pulls out a large cordless drill from his cloak. It has an adaption for unbolting large bolts.

He gives it a burst.

He locks the tool onto the bolt through STEW's right wrist and drills.

The bolt unscrews and pops out of the wall, talking STEW's arm with it.

The figure pulls back his hood and wipes sweat from his brow. It is ALEX.

ALEX unbolts STEW's other arm, with LEON supporting STEW's floppy torso.

Then ALEX unbolts STEW's feet.

ALEX and LEON lug STEW down from the wall.

They roll him down the hill and he dematerialises.

They follow the hill down to a puddle and step in, dematerialising themselves.

MOODY and SPILLAINE are looking in the purse of money they've got. SPILLAINE tips it out and counts.

SPILLAINE
Wow. Thirty denarii.

MOODY
Truly this was the son of God.

MIX TO:


INT - PEACE GARDENS CRYPT

INANNA's corpse still hangs splayed out backwards like the man in the harp in the third panel of Garden of Earthly Delights. Only she's on a pitchfork.

The fork is lodged in the remains of the helical wooden lattice. But the lattice column's contents are not there, and nor is the control console. The column is an empty broken shell.

Raining in is the debris of the Novotel saucer, and with it falls blood and gore and bits that are recognisably parts of STEW's body. Several bits of STEW-gore fall into INANNA's gaping mouth.

Spasmodic peristalsis in INANNA's neck. INANNA glows a golden glow.

INANNA begins to wretch in the rain of falling flame, debris and godflesh.
It's also raining.

Enter from the right, ALEX and LEON, dragging a prone but cleaned off STEW. STEW's paws and head are bandaged and he wears the white dress of a God.

STEW looks up.

LEON
Just in time for communion.

STEW
I feel numb.

ALEX
Still?

STEW
Is she going to be the new Lucy then?

ALEX
She and Omra will rotate stewardship
of the new Utopia.

STEW
Oh. You've got it all worked out, haven't you.

LEON
Well it's more a work in progress.

INANNA convulses, clutching her stomach. She lets out a terrifying squeal.

LEON
Should we get her down, do you think?

ALEX
Did we better feed her a bit more Stew first?

He picks up an arm.

LEON
I think that's one of the Toshists.

ALEX picks up another bit of arm.

LEON
Looks more like it.

The rest of this scene is shot from two angles: a disembodied eye belonging to the dead STEW, which is on the floor at a distance and LEON's POV. We intercut as needed.

LEON looks at ALEX who is harvesting bits of the Novotel STEW from the floor. He looks at the other STEW propped up, rigidly, against the wall.

LEON jumps up and tugs INANNA's dress, trying to yank her down.

The pitchfork yaws in its mooring, and INANNA comes crashing down. LEON leaps away out of the way.

LEON looks over at ALEX (oos).

ALEX looks back.

LEON checks that INANNA is not too badly hurt by her impact with earth.

LEON
She's down.

LEON drags INANNA over and removes the trident.

He looks over at ALEX.

LEON
We ready?

He watches ALEX.

ALEX obscures our shot.

He bends down to pick some more STEW up.

He sees us.

He comes over.

He picks our STEW-eye camera up.

ALEX
A-huh.

LEON looks at the red blood on his own hand and wipes it down his trousers.

He picks up a nearby bit of STEW-flesh and drops it INANNA's mouth.

LEON
There you go.
Yum yum.

INANNA involuntarily eats the flesh.

LEON
Good girl.
Feeling better already.

ALEX approaches with his arms full of smouldering bits of STEW.

ALEX
Where's Jim, anyway?

LEON
Maybe he got zapped.

ALEX
Could he not just regenerate?

LEON
We'd not know him if he did.

They start feeding the bits of STEW to INANNA.

LEON
We'll just have to wait and see.

ALEX
Mm.

ALEX wields a big chop at INANNA's mouth. She chomps the flesh from it.

LEON
This better work.

ALEX
If it doesn't, we just go back again.

LEON
Not once the Stargate's sealed.

ALEX
No. I suppose not.

LEON
What I don't get is why we just don't
go back and stop any of this.

ALEX
How much do you wipe out then?

LEON
Mm.

He looks across at STEW, propped against the wall. STEW is flexing his fingers.

STEW sends a pained grin back at LEON.

ALEX pops the eye into INANNA's mouth.

STEW
Now what happens?

INANNA leans up, supporting herself.

ALEX
Hello there.

INANNA
Where's Bessy?


MIX TO:
EXT - GENERAL CEMETERY, SUNSET

Torches light the sides of Cemetery Avenue, as a parade of people in black march slowly forwards towards the arched gatehouse. The parade is made up of ANS cast past and present, augmented by The Bill cast past and present and certain guests we see fit to include.

An extended arrangement of the opening to The Chiffons' "Sweet Talking Guy".

As the bass stabs hit, we reach the gatehouse.
JOHN stands at the gate, in Victorian Undertaker's garb with tailed Top Hat. He bows and sweeps his introduction as we pass by him into the Cemetery.
Within the walls, a carnival atmosphere with clowns, jugglers and fire-eaters parading about at the peripheries of shot.

JOHN
Sweet talking guy
Talking sweet kinda lies;

As he sings, we get various shots about our current position, revealing, for instance, that our initial POV was from a rank of the parade containing STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB and BABYSHAM.
STEW wears a black dress of the usual godly cut, with a big black overcoat and the usual para-boots. He is holding back tears.
ALEX wears his Hawaiian garb from Ep.6, with a big black coat and the usual sunglasses.
JIM_CB wears a big black coat over his clown suit.
BABYSHAM is still charred.

The four of them sing backing "Oohs".

JOHN
Don't you believe in him;
If you do, he'll make you cry:
He'll send you flowers,

NIGEL appears from somewhere in the throng, wearing his snooker suit.

JOHN & NIGEL
And paint the town with another girl.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, BABYSHAM
Sweet talking guy...

Slowly but surely, JOHN is leading the procession up the hill, up some steps and through an Egyptian archway in the wall. We see and interact with many of the cast, ad lib. We do not see STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB or BABYSHAM coming through this arch.

JOHN
Sweeter than sugar,

JUNE & GINA
(in glamourous black dresses)
Ooh.

JOHN
Kisses like wine,

GALENA & JASON
(likewise)
Oh, he's so fine!

JOHN
Don't let him under your skin,
Cos you'll never win.

ANT & ALAN
(in black and white vertical-striped prison uniforms)
No, you'll never win.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

MARY appears wearing black robes and a lace veil.

MARY & JOHN
Tomorrow he's on his way.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

MADONNA wears similar robes and veil.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

MARY & MADONNA
Sweet talkin' guy...

We're now through the wall and into the upper section of the cemetery. Most of the assembled cast are through the archway and massed, clutching flaming torches and facing upwards. Somewhere about are two large black coffins under The Bill cast PALL BEARERS.

PARADE
Why do I love him like I do?

We now embark on a double-length version of the instrumental, to give us more time to play with.

Up on the hill to the right, though never really dwelt on, is a tall, pepper-pottish pagoda consisting of a dome on a number of pillars. At the bottom of the dome runs a legend: BLESSED ARE THE GEESE FOR THEY SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH. The legend glows like mild neon, and the whole assembly is rotating at a modest pace.
The parade is approaching a temple at the heart of the cemetery. Behind a row of pillars is an Egyptian doorway, bricked up. At its centre is a plate-metal plug with two handles. Over the door is a frieze. We do not yet dwell on any of this.
From the temple runs a broad flight of stone stairs down the bank of the hill.

Flanking the stairs, all the way down, are female cast-members of The Bill. They wear black heels, black translucent tights, and spangly leotard tops designed after Juliet Bravo WPC uniforms. They have big hair with WPC hats wedged in, and have the checked neckties. They have white horse-hair plumes sticking out from their arses, and carry large black or white (alternately) feather fans. Very Busby Berkley.

At the bottom, STAMP and QUINNAN, wearing police Horse Guards uniform. They stand barring the stairs with crossed pikes. They open the pikes and step sideways, clearing the way for an ascending party of STEW, ALEX, JIM_CB, and BABYSHAM.

POLICE WOMEN
Ooh, Ooh-ooh.

LOWER LEFT FLANK
He's a sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

POLICEWOMEN
...guy!

JOHN greets the ascending party outside the temple. As he does so, the rest of the cast, dressed as the cast of Oliver! enter from the flanks. It is now snowing. They do actions.

PARADE
Stay away from him, stay away from him, don't believe his lyin'...

POLICEWOMEN
Stay away from him,

JOHN grips the handles of the metal plug in the doorway to the temple.

POLICEWOMEN
No, no, no, you'll never win.

PARADE
You know you'll never win, no you'll never win, you'll just end up cryin'...

He turns the handles and, with all of his strength, removes the plate.

POLICEWOMEN
Ooh...

A blinding white light spews out from the square hole.

JOHN
Don't give him love today;

The PALL BEARERS manoeuvre the first coffin and begin to push it through the white limbo aperture.

OMRA, INANNA & UTU
Tomorrow he's on his way...

CUT TO:
A shot of this as seen from the bottom of the stairs: JOHN at the top, with the light coming from the temple, the PARADE flanking him on both sides at the top of the stairs, the POLICEWOMEN down the sides of the stairs, and STAMP and QUINNAN stood at the base of the stairs, on each side, looking down at their feet. The PALL BEARERS finish the first coffin and begin to insert the second during the following sequence.

JOHN runs down the first few steps towards us.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin'...

The UPPER LEFT FLANK of POLICEWOMEN swing out into the centre of the stairs, holding their fans against JOHN.

UPPER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

The camera begins to crane up. The performers continue to face the camera as it rises.

UPPER RIGHT FLANK
(ditto)
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER LEFT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

LOWER RIGHT FLANK
Sweet talkin'...

From between the flanks, hidden from view until now, appear, on the left side, JIM_CB (above) and BABYSHAM (below). They make jazz hands.

JIM_CB & BABYSHAM
Sweet talkin'...

STEW (above) and ALEX (below) do the same on the right.

STEW & ALEX
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP and QUINNAN pirouette across each other, locking their pikes across as they roll past.
As they do so, the PALL BEARERS, having inserted their coffins, pirouette to their respective sides of the top of the stairs, with a beautiful grace.

PALL BEARERS, STAMP & QUINNAN
Sweet talkin'...

STAMP & QUINNAN finish their rotations so that they stand the opposite way around at the base of the steps, pikes crossed.
We've craned up to a high angle of the scene, wide enough to fit the entire parade into shot. All are looking up at us.

ALL
...Guy!!!

As they sing, the bricks in the doorway to the temple explode out across the scene. They disintegrate as they pass over the crowd so as not to cause injury.

CUT TO:


JOHN stands at the door to the temple, on the right. He is ushering the procession through the door (a slightly staggered two by two). Beyond the doorway is white limbo. We are in the queue ourselves (behind ALEX & BABYSHAM (two ahead) and JIM_CB & STEW (one ahead)) and so have to contend with the heads of those in front. JOHN shakes the hands of each person on the right, before they pass through, then indicates the door with a sway of his arm.

GALENA & JASON
(not necessarily in shot)
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

ANT & ALAN
(ditto)
No no no... you'll never win...

PARADE
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
Ooh, Ooh-ooh...

As we reach nearer to the front, we see that on the left side of the door stands FRED (...Harris) in his blue dress. He too is shaking hands. JOHN shakes the hands of those on the right, and FRED those on the left.

JOHN
He's a sweet talkin' guy,

ALEX and BABYSHAM pass through.

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

JIM_CB and STEW pass through.

JOHN
But he's my kind of guy.

As JOHN delivers his line, our angle is of FRED. FRED smiles reassuringly at us. He shakes our hand (oos).

PARADE
Sweet talkin' guy...

The music begins to fade, and with it the vision. We angle up to see, over the door, a stone frieze of a radiant bird; perhaps a dove, or maybe a small goose. The frieze is tingling with a curious golden energy which allows the image to last longer through the fade-out than it might otherwise do.

PARADE
Stay... away from him...

PARADE
(overdub)
Sweet sweet, sweet talkin' guy...

PARADE
No no no no...