ANS11 

[ACT V]
FADE UP:
EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - NIGHT

Snow and trees. A well-wrapped cowled FIGURE is pacing through the woodland. They stop suddenly. Lantern light approaching from the right.

CUT TO:

Twelve party-goers making their way to a clearing in the woods; the water tower looming over them. All of them wear cowls up over their heads. CAM is wearing a goat's head mask. They are slightly merry.

MILLS
It is way too cold for this.

ALAN
That's what the flaming torches are for.
Well that and seeing. And dramatic effect.

BEENA
You've clearly not drank enough, Mills.

MILLS
You'd have to drink the whole lake's
worth of vodka for this to be anything
other than fucking freezing.

KAT
So long as we don't have to dance naked.
I am so not dancing naked.
I have lines. I do not cross them.

ALAN
Ever??

TING-YING
I have seen you naked, Kat.
You have nothing to be ashamed of.

KAT
Thankyou for that intevention, Ting-Ying.

CAM
You'll be pleased to know that
nudity is strictly non-canonical.

MILLS
I am very relieved to hear that, Cam.
I'm frozzen as it is.

TING-YING
It is perishing.

MILLS
It really is.

CAM
(to the throng)
Ok. Everyone gather round in a big circle.

The twelve make a circle. The twelve are, clockwise:




CAM





TING-YING

MILLS


MARK



ALAN
BEENA




KAT

TRIX



LEON


KAREN
BRIAN



[TONE->]
EM




There's a bit of shepherding by CAM to get them into order - ad lib - there's a rough principle of boy-girl but there'll be 13 of them, so it's a little loose.
LEON continues to eye ALAN and KAREN with suspicion.

A cowled figure in a goat mask comes up from the trees.

CAM
Ok, Em and...

KAREN
Karen.

CAM
Em and Karen, can you spread out
to let Tone in between you?

The masked figure (TONE), takes his place between KAREN and EM.

CAM
That's it. Now everyone shuffle round a bit.
Make the circle. That's good.

MILLS
(to ALAN)
My arms are getting tired.

CAM
(to MILLS)
Then you'll like this next bit.
(to all)
Ok, now everyone bring your torches
to the centre of the circle and prop them
all together as a fire...

They do. There's a bit of fiddling about but it suffices. They withdraw to the circle.

CAM
Now hold hands.

They do. KAT and BRIAN look at each other as they take LEON's hands. KAT and ALAN exchange looks as they hold hands.

CAM
Cailleach, Cailleach,
We come to do your bidding.

TONE
Oh, Cailleach, Cailleach...

CAM gestures that the others follow suit.

ALL
Cailleach, Cailleach,
Cailleach, Cailleach...

CAM
Cailleach, Cailleach, Cailleach,
Your spirit fills us.

TONE
Your worshippers are our brothers.
Your enemies are our enemies.


CAM
Come, oh great one, come.
Your time is near!

Shot through KAT and LEON's hands. LEON is suddenly thrust forward by a force unseen and unexpected. Their hands break apart as LEON falls into the circle, perilously close to the fire.

Angle to reveal a FIGURE in an elaborate feathered costume, black gloved hands with claws, and a large bird's skull mask with horn-like feathers.

BEENA
Oh wow. That is genius.

She and MILLS exchange wide-eyed looks. CAM tilts his head, quizzically, at TONE. TONE keeps chanting...

TONE
Cailleach, Cailleach,
Cailleach, Cailleach...

KAT is concerned for LEON, who is getting up from his knees. She looks to ALAN for support but he is chanting with real fervour. As is KAREN. And the rest are going along with it too. BRIAN and KAT catch eyes but choose to follow suit for now. Meanwhile, between them, the feathered FIGURE raises its arms up in the air and brandishes a staff. By now, LEON has turned to face the FIGURE. The FIGURE upturns the staff and brandishes it at the shins of LEON. An Enderon-like crystal at the end of the staff glows an eerie ANS blue-purple.

LEON
Now come on...

LEON skips back, checking over his shoulder to be sure not to jump into the fire. It's as well he did, for where his feet just were is now smouldering grass from a bolt from the staff.

KAT, BRIAN and EM have stopped chanting. BRIAN and EM have broken hands. ALAN squeezes KAT's hand more firmly.

LEON
Look, I don't remember
any of this in the programme
we just watched.

TONE, KAREN and ALAN still chanting with passion. The rest are losing conviction as the FIGURE fires another bolt and begins to pursue LEON anti-clockwise round the fire.

KAT
Cam, what the fuck is going on?

CAM
(pulling off his mask)
What are you doing?

The FIGURE is passing CAM in pursuit of LEON, and thwacks him in the gob with the butt of the staff. CAM recoils, hands to mouth. Concerned looks.

As LEON reaches KAREN and TONE, they step out and grab him. The FIGURE thrusts the staff at LEON's stomach, winding him, then drags the head of it upwards to LEON's jaw.

KAT and MILLS make to move to LEON, but ALAN tugs them back. At the same moment, the FIGURE pulls away her mask to reveal:

SALLY
My name is Sarah-Elah;
You killed my father.
(in ECU)
Prepare to die.

Her delivery is suitably over-the-top. This is probably all just a joke. Shot of LEON, putting his hands up, open-palmed, in a Y-shape; SALLY foreground. TONE and KAREN thrust ceremonial daggers to LEON's neck, alongside the head of the staff. At the same moment, a gunshot, and SALLY's back tears open in an explosion of feathers.

Angle of LEON, foreground, SALLY, middle ground, and ALAN, background. ALAN has pushed MILLS aside -- she's slightly stumbled, and is shaking out her hand. ALAN has his free right hand in his duffle-coat pocket which is raised to a firing position. A bullet-hole at the corner of the pocket is smouldering.

The bullet then thwacks into SALLY's hands, shattering them and the staff she's holding. This would have the effect of propelling the staff-head into LEON's head, but KAREN and TONE have shoved him backwards, so the staff-head rises a little way before falling to LEON's feet. The foot of the shaft propels backwards, into SALLY, winding her into the bargain.

All of the above rather quickly, and at the same time as:

BEENA
(over MILLS)
That's our landlord!

MILLS
(over BEENA)
Hey!

KAT is giving ALAN a "what the fuck do you think you just did?" sort of look. LEON recovers from having been jerked back...

LEON
Could we not have talked this through earlier?
Over that coffee?

He tails off as he sees what's happened: SALLY crumpling before him, hands a mess of fingers, bone, blood, staff, and mercury. Blood and mercury seeping from her chest. Then TONE and KAREN rush in and slit SALLY's throat with their knives. SALLY shrieks a piercing banshee squeal.

ALAN is shaken; a red-eyed MILLS hammering at his gun-toting arm. CAM, clutching his face, is staring on in bewilderment. TING-YING looks on impassively. MARK is looking around the circle for the reassurance of someone else's eyeline. BEENA is staring at KAT. TRIX has crouched to the floor, clutching his eyes. EM, on instinct, races to clutch SALLY's arm and steady her. BRIAN vomits. LEON is staring at SALLY.

KAT, with schoolmistress indignation, turns on ALAN, shaking off his hand and stepping infront of him.

KAT
What the fuck have you just done?!

ALAN
It's not real.

TRIX
(to himself)
It's certainly not canon.

SALLY convulses backwards, onto the ground, blood and mercury spilling from her neck; her eyes flickering wildly; her body in spasm. Some of the circle are closing in to assist when suddenly, a flash of brilliant white light from SALLY's chest -- it bursts upwards into the night sky, quickly dissipating but changing this scene to:

EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - DAY

But this is not a jump cut. This is sudden daylight illuminating our ongoing scene (though we should see no Sun). Everyone looks up. Some shield their eyes. KAT and MILLS stop beating on ALAN (who is still eerily stationary).

KAREN
Was this what was supposed to happen?

TONE pulls of his mask to reveal himself as ANT (Ben Kingsley).

ANT
As Siddor predicted.

OLD LEON (where LEON stood) raises a fist to the bridge of his nose, as a clenched face-palm ("oh no, not this shit again"). OLD ALAN (Hugh Hopper - stock footage and comp-gen) still frozen. And where TING-YING was stood, now stands ELIXIR (Shirley Manson) in a simple black sheath dress and adorned with bronze and silver Celtic jewellery. We don't draw attention to this last point.

BEENA
Ok. This is just...

SALLY jerks and splutters. She opens her eyes - glowing golden eyes. She screams again. MARK and EM tend to her. KAREN and ANT don't seem interested. They've shifted their attention to ELIXIR.

Rumbles. Tremours.

KAREN and ANT step towards ELIXIR, then, at the edge of the fire, they fall to their knees. ELIXIR looks on, impassively.

SALLY screams again, and with a collosal rumble, the water tower thrusts upwards from the earth: ancient masonry of a tall turret merging into the concrete top. Dirt falling away. Ivy wrapping up around. Ravens dispersing, driven wild by the sudden daylight and the sudden tower in their midst.

KAREN
(whispered to ANT)
What about that?

ANT
(whispered to KAREN)
That wasn't on the agenda.

OLD LEON has turned to see what KAREN and ANT are doing. He's staring at ELIXIR.

OLD ALAN has, by now, lowered his gun. He's still just standing there, staring towards SALLY. KAT and MILLS are looking at ELIXIR.

We subtly freeze the frame.

BABYSHAM steps in front of the shot, which is actually a projection, because we are in:

INT - POD 1, UNIVERSITY OF YORK - DAY

BABYSHAM
No. Don't worry, none of this is real.

We're in a circular seminar room, with picture-windows out onto a rough sea. No land in sight. Only the odd seagull. As the scene progresses we will throw in more nautical fun, e.g. sharks, killer whales, galleons, etc. Stock footage from the Caribbean episode. But this is all window dressing. Literally.

BABYSHAM is stood in front of a freeze-frame of our previous scene. He also has whiteboards to play with. On one is a 13-point polygon divided by several bisecting cords. Another diagram is a hill, with a well at the top and a skull and cross-bones beneath.

BABYSHAM is addressing KAREN, MARTY, O'DELL, PACKER, MADISON, and SPILLAINE. STEW is leant against a desk at the side. He occasionally sways as if on a boat crossing a rough sea.

BABYSHAM
That's part of the problem.

STEW
(chipping in)
We overshot our time window.

BABYSHAM
Just a tad.

FX MIX TO:

EXT - CLIFFORD'S TOWER - NIGHT

BABYSHAM and STEW in identical positions (STEW leaning on a wall of a building). We don't establish our precise location yet. But BABYSHAM is staring into the distance.

STEW
Something's not right about this.

BABYSHAM
I'd say so.

BABYSHAM's POV, looking towards the direction of Siward's Howe, where a pillar of daylight bleeds across the night's sky.

BABYSHAM pointing to it, and STEW getting up to see.

The Water Tower thrusting its way into sight.

STEW
Ah.

There's a horrible, cracking, rumbling noise from very close. Broader angle to show Clifford's Tower behind them. The cracks up the walls begin to glow.

BABYSHAM
This isn't our fault is it?

Light spills from the cracks as the tower unfolds like a huge stone flower.

STEW
Have we got any power left in the car?

BABYSHAM
A little but I'm not sure it would get us very far.
Certainly not back to 1999. Why?

STEW
Might be able to buy us some thinking time.

The tower has peeled open, and is beaming daylight into the sky.

BABYSHAM
Worth a stab, I guess. Come on.

MIX TO:

EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - NIGHT

TONE and KAREN slit SALLY's throat with their knives. SALLY shrieks a piercing banshee squeal.

OLD ALAN stands shaken; a red-eyed MILLS hammering at his gun-toting arm. CAM, clutching his face, is staring on in bewilderment. TING-YING looks on impassively. MARK is looking around the circle for the reassurance of someone else's eyeline. BEENA is staring at KAT. TRIX has crouched to the floor, clutching his eyes. EM, on instinct, races to clutch SALLY's arm and steady her. BRIAN vomits. OLD LEON is staring at SALLY.

KAT, with schoolmistress indignation, turns on OLD ALAN, shaking off his hand and stepping infront of him.

KAT
What the fuck have you just done?!

ALAN
It's not real.

TRIX
(to himself)
It's certainly not canon.


SALLY convulses backwards, onto the ground, blood and mercury spilling from her neck; her eyes flickering wildly; her body in spasm. Some of the circle are closing in to assist when suddenly, a flash of brilliant white light from SALLY's chest -- it bursts upwards into the night sky, quickly dissipating but changing this scene to:

EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - DAY

But this is not a jump cut. This is sudden daylight illuminating our ongoing scene (though we should see no Sun). Everyone looks up. Some shield their eyes. KAT and MILLS stop beating on OLD ALAN (who is still eerily stationary).

KAREN
Was this what was supposed to happen?

TONE pulls of his mask to reveal himself as BABYSHAM.

BABYSHAM
Spot on, according to Chockablock.
(to SALLY)
Sorry, Sal, old dear.
Your brother says 'hi' by the way.

LEON (where OLD LEON stood), turns to look at BABYSHAM. ALAN (replacing OLD ALAN) still frozen. And where TING-YING was stood, now stands ELIXIR (Shirley Manson). We don't draw attention to this last point.

BEENA
Ok. This is just...

SALLY jerks and splutters. She opens her eyes - glowing golden eyes. She screams again. MARK and EM tend to her. KAREN has a rag and chloroform, and casually applies it to SALLY who duly passes out.

MILLS
Ting-Ying?

KAREN and BABYSHAM step towards ELIXIR. BABYSHAM waves to her. ELIXIR looks on, impassively.

BABYSHAM
Hi, Alana.

ELIXIR
I am the Elixir of Death,
The Queen of Winter.

STEW

(o.o.s)
We can cure that.

From the trees step STEW and ALEX.

ALEX
Hello, my wigeon of smut.

ELIXIR
Why have I been summoned here?

BABYSHAM
Iiiit's complicated.

STEW
Basically, we're having a party,
and we thought you ought to be invited.

ELIXIR
I know you.

ALEX
Yes.

BABYSHAM
And now I see you I know you too.
There's been some dubious shit happening
with our timelines, but I think it's all coming together.

ELIXIR
I was with you... long ago.

ALEX
Possibly.

ELIXIR
It is different now.

STEW
Come on.... let your hair down.
You're here now... let's get you something to drink.
What'll it be?

ELIXIR
I do not understand.

BABYSHAM
That's fairly normal around here.

ALEX
I missed you.
And yet you were never there.

ELIXIR
Why is there daylight?

BEENA
I was wondering the same thing.

STEW
It's god stuff. Just some god stuff.

BABYSHAM
We were rather hoping you'd help sort it out, actually.

ELIXIR
I despise the sunlight.

STEW
That's what we were banking on.

ELIXIR
I crave the night... the cold wind...
The rain...

As she speaks, darkness, thunder, wind, rain...

ELIXIR
The rain...

An echoing piece of high percussion, and yes, we're going there.

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains;
I'm only happy when it's complicated,
And though I know you can't appreciate it
I'm only happy when it rains.

ELIXIR is grooving down, and the ensemble dance, all choreographed like.

ELIXIR
You know I love it when the news is bad,
And why it feels so good to feel so sad;
I'm only happy when it rains...

The more it rains, the more the fire smoulders and dies.

ELIXIR
Pour your misery down...
Pour your misery down on me;
Pour your misery down...
Pour your misery down on me.

CUT TO:
EXT - VANBRUGH PARADISE - NIGHT

All lit up nice and looking rather beautiful. The ensemble cast are here too, including a golden-eyed and blooded SALLY. ELIXIR stood in the box-like metal seat thing that hangs over the lake.

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains;
I feel good when things are going wrong;
I only listen to the sad, sad songs;
I'm only happy when it rains.
You'll get the message by the time I'm through:
When I complain about me and you,
I'm only happy when it rains...

MIX TO:
EXT - CENTRAL HALL - NIGHT

ELIXIR and ALEX on the balcony; the cast on the steps below.

Dancers are coupled up at various points:
CAM & TRIX (acting a little lost but in love),
MILLS & BRIAN (having a ridiculously good time),
MARK & EM (a pretty straight couple of romantics),
KAT & ALAN (suspicious of each other),
BEENA & LEON (going through the motions),
BABYSHAM & KAREN (making the most of a silly situation).

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down on me...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down on me...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down on me...

ALL
Pour your misery down...

ELIXIR & ALEX
Pour your misery down...

ALL
Pour your...

ELIXIR & ALEX
(to each other)
You can keep me company
As long as you don't care...

CUT TO:
EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - NIGHT

Back to the circle... ELIXIR stands in the embers of the fire.
ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains...
You wanna hear about my new obsession?
I'm riding high upon a deep depression;
I'm only happy when it rains...

The circle are chanting and circling and generally being a bit cultish.

ALL
Pour some misery down on me...

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains...

ALL
Pour some misery down on me...

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains...

ALL
Pour some misery down on me...

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains...

ALL
Pour some misery down on me...

ELIXIR
I'm only happy when it rains...

ALL
Pour some misery down on me...
Pour some misery down on me...
Pour some misery down on me...
Pour some misery down on me...

As they chant, the music gets increasingly wild, building into a frenzy. Likewise, the chanters. They close in on ELIXIR.

Abruptly, sound and vision...
CUT TO BLACK.
[c.1:30']

[instert intermission break in syndication]

... to be replaced by the opening stabs of "Sweet Talkin' Guy" by The Chiffons.

CAPTION: YORK: (quickly fading in on the left of the screen)

CAPTION (on third bar): 1999. (fading in on the right of the screen)

Both captions fade out after the first four bars.

As the first bass stab hits, the left half of the screen...

CRACKLES TO:

EXT - HES RD - MORNING

A terrace of student houses in York from a relatively low angle.

At the second bass stab, the right half of the screen crackles in too, showing a continuation of this shot, wherein stand STEW and BABYSHAM. They are paused, looking towards their old home. After a beat they start walking. At the same moment, the door to the house opens. JIM and ALEX are just stepping out, with ALEX typing things into the alarm panel.

Before the drum-flourish can end, the scene pauses again. KAREN steps into view. We're in:

INT - YORK POLICE STATION, FULFORD - DAY

KAREN
Everything back to how it was...
give or take.

The same room we were in before. MARTY, O'DELL, PACKER, MADISON, and SPILLAINE about the place, drinking coffee. KAREN is wearing a Sara Lund jumper. SPILLAINE is watching an '80s hand-held television.

PACKER
Apart from a loose god, a prone god,
and a missing Chinese student.

KAREN
Ting-Ying's not missing.
We know exactly where she is.
Isn't that right, Spillaine?

SPILLAINE
Hm?
Oh, right... yes...

He goes to a large monolith covered in cup and ring marks. It's the same height and width as the whiteboards and pinboards.

SPILLAINE
Here we have a view of the
Brigantic realm, and you can see
the Earthly dimensions here,
the Higher dimensions here,
and the Lower dimensions, here.
If we take a look at our more detailed map...

SPILLAINE steps over to another previously-unseen monolith with more detailed carvings replicating York and its rivers.

SPILLAINE
There's Ting-Ying's start position on Siward's Howe,
Over here we've got the Ouse:
gateway to the Higher dimensions,
now guarded by Alex;
and between those two points,
there's the Foss: until very recently
protected by the Elixir Alana.
And that's where Ting-Ying is right now.

O'DELL
She's in the Foss?

SPILLAINE
No, she is
the Foss.

PACKER
Seriously??

MARTY
The gateways have been opened again,
if only for a single slice of time.

KAREN tosses the experiment log book in her hand.

KAREN
When we started trying to pull people back,
we used Gods as vessels. So Leon became a Darth...
Jim ascended to Asgard...

MARTY
And Alana became a water spirit.

KAREN
Which was the point at which that method
was deemed to be a failure.

O'DELL
But Alex wasn't a water spirit.

KAREN
No, he works for the Environment Agency.
It's a much more effective approach, believe me.

MARTY
So what do we do?

KAREN
We free her.
That's what I've been working on all this time,
and I'm not stopping now.

MARTY
But how do we free a water spirit?

CUT TO:

EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE - NIGHT

ALEX is embracing ELIXIR in the embers of the fire - the rain is still falling.
The crowd are in their places in the circle, albeit rotated 180 degrees. KAREN will have her back to the tower when we see her.

ELIXIR
What do you think that rain dance was for?

Shot of KAREN looking confused.

ALEX
(pre-lapping)
Free the river, free the spirit.

KAT, BEENA and MILLS are in tears, probably (rain makes it hard to see). ALAN is sat, rocking, on the floor. LEON is playing with his nails.

BABYSHAM
I knew it.
I knew that dream had to mean something.

STEW
Hm?

BABYSHAM
(to KAREN:)
You guys had this planned all along!

KAREN shakes her head, and feigns ignorance.

STEW
One of your Duncan's horses moments?

BABYSHAM
You could say that.

BEENA
This is crazy!
You're all talking crazy!

MILLS
Did you not see the whole presto chango
night-into-day shit, Beans?

BEENA
That was crazy too!

SALLY convulses. LEON looks to KAREN and BABYSHAM. KAREN eases SALLY up.

STEW
She's a god. She'll be reyt enough.

LEON
Your dad wasn't.

STEW
You knew what you were doing.

LEON
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said.

STEW
Well we still need to have a long talk about that.

BRIAN
Look, I don't know what any of you are on about,
but is there any chance we can finish this inside?

He gestures to the rain. ALEX and ELIXIR raise the eyes. Tilt up into the rain, past the top of the water tower. Just rain on black. Droplets on the camera... merging into one... becoming a pool on the lens, facilitated by a water-tight lens-hood.

CAPTION: Five days later...

MIX TO:

EXT - FOSS BARRIER, YORK - DAY

Establish a nice piece of 1980s geometric glasswork full of machinery. It is still raining. The rivers are in full flood.

MIX TO:
INT - FOSS BARRIER, YORK - CONT.

KAREN, MARTY, ALEX and ELIXIR stand at some funky 1980s computer banks. ALEX turns a key in one of the banks. Motors sound. Industrial red-wheeled valves turn.

MIX TO:

EXT - FOSS BARRIER, YORK - CONT.

Shot of the barrier raising. Opening chords of Karel Gott's cover of "Sugar Baby Love": "Nic Než Láska Tvá".

Montage:  
[putting the song lyrics here, out of the way]

INT - FOSS BARRIER, YORK - CONT.

ALEX and ELIXIR hold hands. KAREN closes her eyes. MARTY peers through the window.

KAREL
La... la-la-la la... la-la-la la...


INT - SMALL LIVING ROOM - DAY

Christmas in a terraced house somewhere. BRIAN, in leggings, a navy and khaki skirt and khaki t-shirt, placing a piece in the German board game Carcassonne, with The River II expansion. He is playing an older couple, cast in such a way that they are probably his parents, and male and female characters who are probably siblings.


La la... la-la-la la...
EXT - SIWARD'S HOWE WATER TOWER - DAY

TONE locking up. He lugs a black bin-bag into the back of a waterworks van.


Oh... ooh...
INT - STAIRWAY IN A TIDY HOUSE - DAY

EM sits on the stairs, chatting on her mobile. An older woman (her mother?) climbs to her level and offers her a biscuit tin. EM takes a bourbon while never breaking off.


Nic než láska tvá,
Nic než láska tvá,


INT - TEENAGE BEDROOM - DAY

MARK laid on his bed, chatting into a mobile phone.


Nic nežli dotek vůně rtů.

INT - SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - DAY

CAM sat on a settee between various elderly relatives. He's not having much fun. They're watching the TV. He's blindly picking out a Quality Street from a tub on the table.



INT - STUDY - DAY

A spare bedroom turned office. MILLS is on a laptop hooked up to a monitor, keyboard and mouse, and has a Google spreadsheet open. It lists a page full of variations on the CHEF'S PHEASANT IS SO LOCAL theme (a different word in each cell of a row). Another column spells out N-I-L S-I-N-E N-O-M-I-N-E alongside.


Nic než láska tvá,
Nic než láska tvá,

INT - BATHROOM - DAY

TRIX, sat on the toilet, texting on his mobile.


Nezbylo z noci zlých snů.
INT - SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - DAY

CAM pulls out his mobile, looks at it and smiles.



INT - KITCHEN/SITTING ROOM - DUSK

A pleasant enough kitchen. STEW is washing the pots. He looks out through a window into a sitting-room area where LEON is sat reading a chess book.


La... la-la-la la... la-la-la la...


EXT - HES. RD. - DUSK

SALLY, wearing a scarf to cover her neck, walking to the door of the house.
She rings the bell.


La la... la-la-la la... oh... ooh...
INT - HALLWAY (HES.RD.) - CONT.

BEENA opens the door and welcomes SALLY in. The house is decorated for Christmas.
BEENA leads SALLY into...


Nic než láska tvá,
Nic než láska tvá,


INT - LIVING ROOM (HES.RD.) - CONT.

KAT is laid on the settee, watching the telly. She stands as BEENA and SALLY enter.

We see KAT's watching some rolling news footage of flooding in York. They stand and watch.

Three jump cuts, ever closer on the three, culminating in:


Nic nežli dotek vůně rtů.

EXT - FOSS BRIDGE - JUST BEFORE DAWN

The three of them, still with their backs to us, but now stood on Foss Bridge, looking towards the Merchant Adventurers' Hall. Floodwater dominates the scene.

A broader shot reveals ALAN to KAT's right, then BABYSHAM, KAREN, ALEX and ELIXIR.

Establishing shots of the area to demonstrate the extent of the flooding.


Nic než láska tvá,
Nic než láska tvá,
Nezbylo z noci zlých snů.
KAREN
Look, I have to tell you.
All this... All this exists.
But I don't. I never did. I never will.
(sung)
Learn to be yourselves,
Be one with yourselves,

That way you'll exist...
More than just exist.




KAREN fades into TING-YING who is soaking wet. ALEX wraps her in a large black towel and BEENA goes in to help.


KAREL
La... la-la-la la... la-la-la la...


ALAN
I don't understand.

KAT puts a friendly arm around ALAN and draws him to her.

KAT
It's ok.
Ting-Ying's back.

ALAN

I... I can't even tell what's real anymore.

KAT
Here...



La la... la-la-la la... oh... ooh...

KAT holds ALAN to her chest.

KAT
This is real.
This is what matters.
You heard what she said.


La... la-la-la la... la-la-la la...

ALAN
You wouldn't know.
You haven't been there.
What do you know about reality?
I mean... You're not even a real woman.


KAT drops her arms and holds them stiffly to her sides as the sun begins to illuminate the scene.

ALAN
Oh god... I'm...

KAT
A-huh.


La la... la-la-la la... oh... ooh...
The music climaxes, then segues into A-ha's "The Sun Always Shines on TV".

On the distant Picadilly bridge, TOMY and MIDGE fade into existence. At the same time:

BABYSHAM
There is a willow grows aslant a brook,
Where with fantastic garlands did she come
Clambering to hang, an envious sliver brooch;
When down her weedy trophies and herself
Fell in the weeping brook.




KAT
Touch me...

BABYSHAM
Which time she chanted snatches of old tunes.




KAT
How can it be?
CU of KAT singing to the river. The glint of sunlight on every reflective surface. Crane pan to show the flooded street as a sea of light.



Believe me:
The sun always shines on TV.
Hold me
Close to your heart;
Touch me
Shot of the river. The water level is rising higher and higher up the buildings.

Helicopter shot of York as the water gets increasingly high... covering all the buildings in turn.

A chinook helicopter swoops into shot, carrying what appears to be a statue from a rope.

Two more helicopters sweep in: a yellow and white one and a green and gold one.


And give all your love to me...
To me...

We use the 7" edit of the instrumental section here.


The statue is not a statue. It's dear Morten Harket. He sings into the wind.

MORTEN
I reached inside myself and found

Nothing there to ease
The pressure of
my ever whirring mind.
Oh...

MORTEN swings past the Minster - the only thing above water round here. On each of the towers stand ALEX and ELIXIR.

ALEX
All my powers waste away;

I fear the crazed and lonely looks
The mirror's sending me these days.

The camera swings from ALEX to ELIXIR.

ELIXIR
Touch me...

How can it be?

Our vantage camera turns out to be in the yellow and white helicopter. It's being piloted by MARTY, and BEENA is in the passenger seat. The cameraman is behind BEENA who turns to face camera. She points to the sun outside, then to the seat behind MARTY where we see ALAN, in headphones, twiddling knobs on a box of electrical kit.

BEENA
Believe me...

The sun always shines on TV.


ALAN
Hold me

Close to your heart.

The camera sweeps back past a pointing BEENA and out of the window to the green helicopter, where it zooms in on SALLY at the window.

SALLY
Touch me

And give all your love to me.

The camera mixes, by effect, to a camera-copter which moves to the front of the scene to bring us the yellow and green helicopters flying towards the camera, away from the Minster. 360 sweep to show the helicopters flying to the University, which is not underwater. Everything else is, but not that.



INT - HESLINGTON HALL - DAY

We're in a room with ceiling stalactites, which we've mocked up to look like the studio from 1980s Treasure Hunt. SPILLAINE is stood in front of his monoliths (embedded into the set). O'DELL is stood at the back, in front of a 1980s greenscreen terminal, wearing a police uniform. BABYSHAM, in an apricot jacket, stands at a map of York, brandishing a toy helicopter. KAT and TING-YING stand to his left, and occasionally head to the bookshelves for inspiration.

CUT TO:

BABYSHAM
Please don't ask me to defend
The shamefull lowlands
Of the way I'm drifting
Gloomily through time...
Oh...



KAT
Touch me...

TING-YING

I reached inside myself today...

KAT
Give all your love...

TING-YING
Thinking there's got to be some way

KAT & TING-YING
To keep my troubles distant...

All look at the camera and the camera retreats.



ARTY MIX TO:
EXT - VANBRUGH PARADISE - DAY

We pull out from the previous shot into Vanbrugh Paradise. The previous shot occupies the big metal square bench sculpture thing.

Effectively our entire cast (excluding 'OLD' versions, KAREN, JIM, SIDDOR, and anybody from old VT, but including our '80s ensemble), dance a choreographed routine and sing:

ALL
Touch me...
How can it be?
Believe me:
The sun always shines on TV.
Hold me
Close to your heart;
Touch me
And give all your love to me...

MIX TO:
INT - FOSS BARRIER - DAY

ALEX and ELIXIR operating the big red wheel controls and lots of '80s consoles... in fact it's an AWFUL lot like Carol's machinery from earlier now you mention it...

MIX TO:
EXT - FOSS BARRIER - DAY

Only the top of the barrier is visible, but it's enough to see the gate coming down into the water.

We move from the breakdown instrumental to the full-on bit.

Shots across the city of water receding: like the flood bit in Metropolis (as used in the Radio Ga-Ga video) but in reverse. Intercut with:

EXT - VANBRUGH PARADISE - DAY

Continued dancing from KAT, BEENA, TING-YING, BABYSHAM, ALAN and SALLY.

ALAN
Hold me...

BABYSHAM
Close to your heart...

BEENA
Touch me...

TING-YING
And give all your love to me...

Behind them, Central Hall suddenly erupts in a cloud of steam and takes off with jets of flame. KAT and SALLY lead the ensemble for:

ALL
To me....!

We pull out... in the first of a string of FX mixes to scenes we were in earlier:

INT - SMALL LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

BRIAN and his family watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - SUBURBAN LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CAM and relatives watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - TIDY LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

EM and her mother watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - TEENAGE BEDROOM - NIGHT

MARK watching this on a portable telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - BATHROOM - NIGHT

TRIX watching this on his mobile while sat on the bog. Keep pulling out to:

INT - RAY KITCHEN - NIGHT

PEGS, BEN and POLLY watching a tiny hand-held television at the kitchen table. Keep pulling out to:

INT - STUDY - NIGHT

MILLS watching this on a computer monitor. Keep pulling out to:

INT - LIVING ROOM (MAIN ST.) - NIGHT

HELEN watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - LIVING ROOM (HES. RD.) - NIGHT

BEENA, KAT and TING-YING watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - SITTING ROOM - NIGHT

STEW and LEON watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - LOUNGE - NIGHT

A slightly boho sort of lounge. SALLY, BABYSHAM and ALAN watching this on telly. Keep pulling out to:

INT - FOSS BARRIER - NIGHT

ALEX and ALANA watching this on a monitor. Keep pulling out to:

INT - ANOTHER LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A very normal sort of middle-class living room. Photos of kids on the mantlepiece. Lego on the floor. It's Christmas after all.
JIM watching this on telly. He reaches for the remote. The signal on the telly flicks off but we keep pulling out to:

INT - PSYCHOLOGY DEPT. - NIGHT

SIDDOR's monitor in his office. We pull out until the window to the hub takes up most of the shot. SIDDOR clicks his mouse. The monitor goes black and the CAPTION: PROGRAM TERMINATED. Through the window, the helmets rise from the heads of the subjects in the C5s. The nearest subject, between OLD TOMY (Robbie Coltrane) and OLD CHRIS (Christian Slater) is KAREN, and we zoom in on her.

KAREN
Hello. Hello?
Are you there? Hello?


The scene is swallowed up in a click and the reducing dot of a cathode ray. The sound of a television cooling down as the dot gradually recedes to blackness.
[c.1:45']

THE END.

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