Fade up on:

INT - LIFT - EVENING

Jim, Leon, Stew, Alex, Midge and Chris are congregated therein as the limp lifeless body of their cleaning lady, BARNIE (Pam Ferris), is carried out on the back of  Econ.. Shocked.
Barnie is a large woman with mad curly hennaed hair, and big hooped gipsy ear-rings.
The students follow Econ outside.
Alex is a little angry about something, and very brooding.
Midge's emotions seem blank.
Leon is looking smug and self satisfied.
Stew would appear not to understand the gravity of the situation.
Jim is the only one who seems appropriately shocked etc.

EXT - GOODRICKE SQUARE - CONT.

With a lot of effort, Econ dumps Barnie's damaged corpse onto a flat wooden trolley.
He drags the trolley away towards C-Block and out of shot. Over this we hear:

Jim
I wonder how she died.

Leon
I killed her.

Jim
Oh.

Leon
She deserved to die... It was only a matter of time...

Stew
Who's for a game of Real Money Monopoly?

Alex scowls at Stew.

CHRIS
I'm a bit short of change at the moment.

STEW
That's alright. I've got change.

JIM
Maybe tomorrow.

STEW
Tomorrow it is then.

Alex and Midge bugger off inside.
Over the next bit we might just make out the sound of Economics struggling to get Barnie's corpse into the back of a hearse (off shot).

STEW
Hey! We can order pizza!

LEON
Speaking of food...

CHRIS
Jesus H. Christ! It's half past six!
We better move or we'll not get served.

LEON
And this killing lark's hungry work.

CHRIS
Yees.

Sound of a hearse pulling away in the distance. Preferably a horse-drawn one.

Wipe to:

EXT/INT - VANBRUGH - EVENING

An imposing shot looking up the glass face of Vanbrugh. Tilt down so that the reflections fade away and are replaced by a shot into the dining hall. Then we magically track forward (through the window) through the dining hall and into the service area, where, to our left, Chris, Leon, Stew and Jim are getting some food.
Leon is finishing being served at the till and then comes out into the corridor with his tray. We follow him as he heads further into the building and turns left into Vanbrugh bar. He sits at a table on a raised area. He has a sausage roll, chips, peas and gravy, and a couple of glasses of water. He lays his long coat out on the bench and sits on it. He then begins to eat. Leon eats slowly and surgically.

Chris and Jim arrive together, both carrying trays. They sit next to each other on stools opposite Leon, and flank our shot of Leon.
Reverse shot to show Chris and Jim pulling off their anoraks. Chris has some sort of curried slop. Jim has some sort of flat crusty thing with lentils inside. Both have rice, and two glasses of water. Both have large scone things too. They begin to eat their food.

Next comes Stew, who sits at the edge of the table, opposite Jim. He has sausage roll, chips, beans and gravy, two glasses of water and some sort of flapjack. He rolls up his sleeves and smooths his hair behind his ears. Then he liberally pours vinegar over whatever parts of his meal lack gravy (one or two isolated spots). By pours, I mean to say that he is putting on a very substancial amount. He then tosses on some salt and pepper. Then he begins to disect his sausage roll. He puts a piece of sausage in his mouth.

STEW
They're doing that weird queue-y thing again.

He indicates the bar with his (licked clean) fork. There's an orderly queue to it from the centre (rather than a throng of people taking up all the bar and vying for attention). The queue should be made up of a good cross section of students, from tweedy young conservatives to made-up male goths in bondage gear (in random order...).

LEON
Hmm.

JIM
Why do they do that?

LEON
Well they're mad. Obviously.

JIM
Well it's very disconcerting.
They should be made to stop it at once.

CHRIS
I'll see what I can do.

JIM
You do that.

beat

JIM
The Vanbrugh Sandwich Woman
was going a bit mad today.

LEON
Yes. I noticed that.

STEW
In what way?

JIM
She was wearing a lot of lettuce.

CHRIS
Wearing it?

JIM
She'd had some sort of turn, I think.

LEON
She was having an argument with the bar-man.
It wasn't a pleasant scene.

JIM
Really?

LEON
She took the butter knife to his throat.
So he emptied the salad box over her.

JIM
Oh.

LEON
And then she dropped the knife
and started blubbering.

STEW
Maybe she killed Barnie?

JIM
That was Leon.

STEW
Oh yeah.

LEON
I didn't really kill her you know...
...just in case it comes to court.

CHRIS
Oh?

LEON
No.

STEW
Liar.

LEON
I didn't. She just... tripped over that
flex of her own accord. That it wrapped
around her kneck like that was...
well there was nothing I could do.

JIM
You could've helped her if you'd thought about it.
You just sat there and watched her die...

LEON
Honest... It wouldn't budge.

JIM
...Sat there, laughing.

LEON
That was nervous laughter.

CHRIS
How did she die, I wonder...

STEW
Dunno. She looked pretty messed up.

JIM
How did you do it, Leon? Eh?

LEON
I told you all there is to tell.

STEW
Was it true she was having your baby?

LEON
No!

JIM
No. She knew about your
affair with Alex though, didn't she?!

LEON
Ha-ha... no...

STEW
She caught the two of you one morning
as she came to clean your room...
And she threatened to tell Midge!

Leon laughs nervously, playing with his food and shaking his head.

LEON
That's not how it was at all...

CHRIS
No. It's true. I was with Alex all along.

STEW
Then it was you that killed Barnie?!

CHRIS
I only killed her for her own good.
I tried to tell her it was just a mistake
but she wouldn't take it... Kept saying
how she felt betrayed... how she couldn't
trust me ever again. And what with her
knowing my dark secret... well it had to
be this way. I couldn't take the chance.

LEON
He's lying. I killed her.

JIM
Why are you trying to protect him?
What is it you stand to gain?

CHRIS
He can't bare to see me
torn away from the corridor.

LEON
I think I could live with that.

STEW
This is obviously more complicated
than I first suspected, and clearly requires
another glass of water...

Stew gets up and goes to get some more water. In the space he leaves behind him, at a distant table, we see Jim2, sipping from a pint of cider. He should've queued for this drink.

CHRIS
Of course... You both know,
as well as I, that Stew did it.

JIM
Oh yes. Yes.

Shot of Stew at the water cooler. Wipe ][->

INT - RAY - EVENING

Alex and Midge are in the kitchen. Alex is frying some leaves in olvive oil. Midge is cutting some leaves on the wobbly table.
Enter Tomy from the corridor.

TOMY
Hiya, Alex. What are you doing?

ALEX
I'm cooking.

TOMY
Ah right. What are you cooking?

ALEX
Leaves.

TOMY
Oh. Right. That's proper fascist, is that.

ALEX
No it's not.

TOMY
Yeah. Alex?

ALEX
Hmm?

TOMY
Is it all right if I have a go on your girlfriend?

ALEX
No.

TOMY
Fascist.

ALEX
Mm.

TOMY
to Midge
Do you want to come and push
some History students in the lake?
Come on, it'll be a right laugh!

MIDGE
You do know that I'm a History student?

TOMY
What? Yeah. That's...
I'm not meaning you...

MIDGE
Ah good.

TOMY
No. So you don't want to come along?

MIDGE
No thankyou.

TOMY
Alex?

ALEX
Maybe another time...

TOMY
Cool, bro. Ok.

He heads back into the corridor. Then pauses at the door.

TOMY
Who's is the washing in the bath?

ALEX
Wittgenstein's.

TOMY
Fascist.

ALEX
Hmm.

Tomy leaves.

MIDGE
Do you want me to
burn your toes again tonight?

ALEX
If you wouldn't mind.

Shot of flaming olive oil.
Mix to...

INT - LEON'S ROOM - NIGHT

The room is dark and the curtains are open. We can see out across the lake with the reflections of the lights twinkling in the water. Leon's desk is taken up with a 1970s Philips music centre, lit by an anglepoise lamp (the only lighting in the room). On the turntable is a record, going around at 33 1/3 rpm. Leon is sat on his bed with his headphones on. He wears a smoking jacket and clutches a glass of whiskey and some sheet music. He is at one with the recording.

Semi-pained orgasmic noises are coming across the corridor from Alex and Midge. At a climactic moment, Leon clamps his headphones to his ears with his hands to try and drown the screams out.

This isn't working so he goes across to turn the record up.

There is a rat-a-tat-tat on the window and Leon turns to see a menacing greylag goose in sillhouette on the bank beyond. Leon jumps back, alarmed.

The goose looks at Leon, evilly.

LEON
Stay back, vile fiend.

It honks in hatred.
Leon looks about him for a weapon. He picks up a score from off the top of a speaker and brandishes it at the goose.

LEON
Look. Elgar! Grrah!

GOOSE
Honk.

The goose seems impressed with the Elgar. It studies the music, bows at Leon, turns and leaves. Leon shuts his curtains quickly. He downs his whiskey and looks about the room in worried relief.

EXT - GOODRICKE A BLOCK - CONT.

Shot from across the lake as a reverse angle of the previous scene. We see Leon's sillhouette through the curtains as he stoops to turn off the light. His window is plunged into darkness.

Pan/track left to Chris's window. We have a sillhouette of a computer monitor and Chris masterbating before it. We hurry on to the next window which is Jim's. We see Jim shutting his curtains. His light goes out.

As Jim's light goes out, we see a faint light on the bank in front of his window. We zoom in to see that it is a fire. In the fire is a moorhen tied to a stake. Two geese are laid by the fire with their beaks tucked under their wings. Their single visible eyes look out and the reflection is full of fire.


CHRIS (pre-lap)
The moorhen is the runt of all birds
With the goose at the other end of the scale.

INT - RAY - NEXT MORNING

Chris is looking through the window onto the patio. A coot is trying it on with a mallard.

CHRIS
Now we shall see how the others fare.
Please place your bets.

Alex is sat at the table eating a croissant. Jim is at the work-surface eating cereals.

JIM
The coot.

ALEX
No. The coot plays hard. But it is a fascade.
The duck's strength is understated.
He only uses his powers in self defence
but those powers are legion.

JIM
Nah. I've seen the coots before.
Viscious little things. They're with the geese.
The coot will win.

CHRIS
Two falls, a knockout or a submission
will decide the winner. Seconds away... round one.

The coot goes at the duck. The duck scarpers into the water.

CHRIS
And Jim wins.

ALEX
The duck threw the bout.

CHRIS
That's just it... Easily nobbled, mallards.
Patently, the coot is second to the goose.

ALEX
You forget about the big fish.

JIM
They're above the geese, surely.

CHRIS
Hard to say. Always in motion are the fish.

ALEX
The fish are really underwater geese.

CHRIS
U-geese?

ALEX
M-hm.

JIM
Now that's just scary.

CHRIS
And they have air supremacy too.

JIM
I dreamt last night that the geese
were burning a moorhen at the stake.

ALEX
Moorhens are notorious
for their subversive witchery.

JIM
Really?

ALEX
Mm. Stew bought a lucky glass bead from a moorhen once.

CHRIS
And Alan got his palm read for fifty quid.

JIM
What did it say?

CHRIS
Dunno. He wouldn't tell me unless I paid him.

JIM
Something about a long journey I expect.

CHRIS
Yeah. And a dark stranger.

Enter Leon from the corridor. He is in a green shirt and black trousers. He is wearing his leather coat and carrying his violin case.

JIM
Morning, Leon.

LEON
Morning.

CHRIS
Up early again?

LEON
I never slept.

Enter from Goodricke Square KEVIN (Andy Hamilton). KEVIN has the facial hair of a prog-rock keyboard player. His expression is persistently sinister. He wears a green fleece over a jumper and smokes some sort of roll-up.

Chris points in the direction of the corridor and Kevin goes through.

We follow...

INT - MR CHOPS - CONT.

Kevin walks like a gangster. He knocks on Tomy's door. Tomy opens the door.

TOMY
You alright, Kevin? Let's go.

Tomy shuts the door and the two leave the building by the nearest exit.

TOMY
You ready for this maths exam?

KEVIN
No.

TOMY
Me neither.

KEVIN
You not revised at all?

TOMY
No. I was watching Krypton Factor.

KEVIN
That's proper mauist is that.

TOMY
Yeah.

We are behind them and we stay as they make towards the rickety bridge to Wentworth. Instead of watching them, we pan left and tilt up to look at the Biology building. Ominous music cue. Then we tilt and pan back to the bridge. Tomy and Kevin pass CAROLINE (Heather Nova) who is heading towards us over the bridge.

Caroline has red curly hair and wears a green jumper. As she crosses the apex of the bridge she gives it a little bounce, while the camera cranes up to reveal Leon stood watching. He makes a note on a scrap of paper then heads across to Goodricke Porter's Lodge. The camera continues to crane up and we look across this section of campus, vaiguely following Leon. As Leon enters under the flyover, we arc left so that we are looking over the lake.

Far off in the disatance, on the bridge by Central Hall, is Jim2, observing all once more. We zoom in on him slowly, and hear him whistling Grieg's Piano Concerto to fill the time. He is holding a pink balloon-shaped helium balloon. As the camera reaches the point where the bridge is perfectly framed in shot, Jim2 turns to our right and heads to Physics, out of shot.


ALAN (pre-lap)
What's with all these really long
boring bits where nothing happens?

INT - VANBRUGH TV ROOM - NOON

Alan, Chris, Jim and Ant are sat on the floor eating sandwiches. Several extras are trying to watch "Calendar" around them.
Alan is studying one of Chris's textbooks. There's a graph.

CHRIS
That's the dreamless N-REM.

ALAN
So what's happening?

CHRIS
Nothing. You just lay there.

ALAN
Oh. And this bit's a dream?

CHRIS
Oh yes. None of this is real.

JIM
I heard that. You'll be catching up Stew at this rate.

CHRIS
That is never going to happen.

JIM
You're only five or six hehind him now.

CHRIS
Stew's punning rises exponentially.
Mine is simply linear. You'll see.

JIM
I'd rather I didn't have to.

ANT
Where's Babysham? He's cutting it fine.

JIM
Maybe he's gone into hibernation.

CHRIS
Yeah. Didn't he sleep through two alarms once
and miss his train home?

JIM
Something like that. And with what he drunk the other night...

CHRIS
Still... It isn't strictly possible to sleep for
two whole days and nights. That's called a coma.

ALAN
I expect he's wagging it.
He probably still feels rough.

ANT
And the sight of a printer terminal
might set him off again.

JIM
I do hope not.

CHRIS
Well this is what comes of drink.
I've told you before...

ALAN
Very nutritious is beer.

ANT
Babysham was on Aftershock.

ALAN
Isn't that rebottled mouthwash?

JIM
Only more alcoholic.

CHRIS
It's a poison. You're poisoning yourselves.

ANT
Anything to get away from you.

ALAN
It's the tastiest poison I know.

ANT
Have you tried Weed and Feed?

ALAN
I'm not so keen on witbiers.

ANT
Fair enough.

ALAN
I'm a stout man.

CHRIS
It's what comes of drinking beer.

JIM
Four behind.

ALAN
Actually, beer's not fattening.

CHRIS
No. But crisps and chips and kebabs are.

ALAN
Well you eat them too.

ANT
And let's face it, Chris... Out of all of us
who's the podgiest?

Why, Chris is.

CHRIS
And out of all of us,
who has a girlfriend?

ANT
She's in Hong Kong.
I'd say that makes us pretty equal.

CHRIS
I'd say a screw every six months
beats no screw at all.

ALAN
If we weren't all put on the bottom corridor
we'd be more than occupied in such exercises.

JIM
We just got a bad draw.

ANT
I did alright.

ALAN
Well it's alright for some.

ANT
Not really. They're all out at parties all the time.
Who can I play Risk with when they're all out at parties?

JIM
That seductive clock of yours.

ANT
Nah. She just tells me it's time to get up.

CHRIS
Time to get up, eh?

JIM
Does that count as a pun?

ANT
More of an insinuation.

ALAN
Nah. I think it counts though.

CHRIS
I don't care.
I know that Stew will stay ahead of me.

GAYNOR BARNES (on telly)
Within the last few minutes, police have issued
a description of the man they want to interview about the murder.

E-Fit image of Babysham: twenty-ish classic geek. Gaynor describes him, but we concentrate on:

ALAN
Hey. That's Babysham.

CHRIS
What's he doing on there?

ANT
Sh...

GAYNOR BARNES
Members of the public are warned
not to approach the man as he is extremely dangerous.
Now here's John with the sport.

CHRIS
What was that about?

Jim shrugs.

Melt to:

INT - STEW'S ROOM - AFTERNOON

The curtains are shut. Ominous music as we crane over the sleeping form of Babysham. Babysham is tossing and turning. He is not having a good sleep at all.

BABYSHAM
Mmrh... Nyah... Nah! Nah!
Windows... NT... Gyah...!

He settles down a lot.
We see Stew in the adjacent bed. He is reading Imanuel Velikovsky's "Worlds in Collision" in the natural light that seeps through the curtains. He looks at Babysham but returns to the book after Babysham settles some more.

The crane has now arced beyond Stew so that we see Stew in profile and Babysham beyond. This is not really possible given that a wall is in the way, so we shall wheel the beds across during the crane to make way for the camera. Eagle-eyed viewers may spot a red light like a laser pointer under Babysham's covers.

Stew turns the page and we wipe to:

EXT - OUTSIDE THE BIOLOGY BUILDING - AFTERNOON

Alex is walking towards the rickety bridge from the direction of the Stray. He sort of lops along with his head hung low. He wears his sunglasses and carries his rucksack.

His nose twitches as if awakened by a smell, and Alex detours to the doorway of the biology building. Hanging on a string suspened from nowhere very clear is an Oreo chocolate cream biscuit thing. Unthinking, Alex touches the biscuit.

A steel cage drops down over Alex, who rolls his eyes, and gestures similarly with the rest of his body. He sits down on his bag and eats the biscuit.

An army of biology students - small men with beards (think mini David Kellys) - circle the trap, brandishing garden canes. The females don't have beards but do have bits of canadian pondweed decoratively strewn in their hair. One of the party prods at Alex with a cane. He scowls back at them and growls.

Fade to black.

Fade up on:

INT - RAY - AFTERNOON

Leon is sat at the table in his coat. He has a mug of black coffee which he stirs. He is playing chess against Tomy, who sits opposite him.

The board:
1a= wR, 1f=wK, 1g=wR
2a=wP, 2b=bQ, 2c=wP
3d=wP, 3f=wQ
4e=wP, 4g=wP
5b=bP, 5c=wB, 5d=wN, 5f=wN, 5h=wP
6d=wB
7a=bP, 7d=bP, 7f=bP, 7g=bP, 7h=bP
8a=bR, 8b=bN, 8c=bB, 8e=bK, 8g=bN, 8h=bR

Tomy is black, He moves Bxg1.
Leon plays e5.

Chris and Jim enter from Goodricke Square.
Tomy plays Qxa1.

CHRIS
Hey, Leon... You seen the news?

LEON
Is the pope dead?

Leon plays Ke2.

CHRIS
No.

LEON
No.

Tomy plays Na6.

JIM
Babysham was on Calendar.

LEON
Was he? I thought he was in bed.

Leon plays Nxg7.
Simultaneously, BabySham enters.
He is not as tall as some of the cast, and wears a checked shirt, and trousers.
He has dark floppy hair and wears round-rimmed glasses.
He talks with a Stephen Hawking voice...

BabyS
Hel-lo.

Chris
Afternoon Babysham.
We've were wondering where you'd got to.

BabyS
I have been a-sleep for three ho-urs.

Jim
What's wrong with your voice?

Zoom in to reveal BabySham's blue metallic eye showing the Windows logo.

BabyS
I am Bill Gates. I am Bill Gates. I will destroy you all.

Tomy plays Kd8.
Reveal Babysham's arm which is now entirely mechanical with laser-guns for fingers. He starts shooting.

Tomy
You alright BabySham?

Leon plays Qf6.

BabyS
I am fine.

Tomy plays Nxf6.

Tomy
You look ill; he looks out of it. You sure you're alright?

Leon plays Be7.
Tomy gets lasered to death.

Chris
Although that's impossible because you
can't get strong enough lasers...

At this, in walks ANOTHER CHRIS.

Chris2
Actually that'd be wrong as they can now make very powerful lasers.

Enter ANT carrying a Canada goose.

Ant
Look what happened to Alex!!!
Ah! That'd be two Chrises then!

simultaneously:

Chris1
Chris2
No, he's an imposter.
No, he's a zombie who's been replacing me 
 
since the weekend. Notice how he is completely
 
 drained of life, energy and emotion.

INT - STEW'S ROOM, YORK UNIVERSITY - AFTERNOON

Overlap the end of the last dialogue with this scene; It will be muffled and from the next room.
Stew wakes up in a cold sweat.He shakes and gets dressed.
We hear from the kitchen:

Leon (off)
Ant. What's happened?

Ant (off)
I found him outside Biology...
I tell you that department is evil.

We follow Stew out of the room and into:

INT - RAY - AFTERNOON

As Stew enters, he is carrying a large ballistic haddock which was not in the previous scene.

Stew
I can't get any sleep listening to all you lot ranting on.


 
 

Stew whacks Chris2 with the Haddock. Chris2 slumps to the floor.

Stew
Somehow I prefer the dosile Chris...
 
 

BabyS.
Stand by to be destroyed, Linux user!

Babysham points his laser-arm at Ant.
Leon steps up and draws a laser pistol from inside his coat.
He takes a shot at Babysham's shoulder which sparks accordingly.

Leon
Not so fast, Windows pawn.
I, Leon, observer first class
of the University of Glecon 7
defy you and renounce your GUI.

BabyS.
Then you too must die.

Leon and BabySham embark upon a chaotic laser fight.
Enter Econ. from Goodricke Sq.

Econ.
Cos that's really a good idea?

He is holding a button that connects to a high explosive fastened to his stomach.
Enter Midge from the corridor.
She sees the chaos, laughs Ha Ha hAh Ahah Ah ahHa hAh ha H ah AHhAh ha ah A !!!!~!C ! !@C! and then flicks a switch on Ray's wall.
The entire kitchen explodes in a brilliant magnesian flare.
All that is left are a few hundred layers of paint debris and the table. The table is no longer wobbly.
Fade to black.

Fade up on:

EXT - GOODRICKE SQUARE - NIGHT

Fire engines roll around and much dousing ensues...
JIM2 and ESTEBAN (Guy Siner) appear at the scene.
Jim2 wears a big black coat.
Esteban is short, stoopy and sinister, with wiry hair and glasses.

Jim2
It would appear that we arrived too late.

Est.
Yes, master.

Jim2
Have your team scavenge around for whatever they can find,
and see if you can't piece some bits together.

Est.
Aye, master.


To Episode 1