EPISODE NINE:
PART TWO:

EXT - ST JOHN FIELDS, YORK - DAY

Shot of the crest of a hill. Jim (Frank Skinner version), Caroline (Heather Nova) and Jeremy (Christopher Biggins) appear from over the horizon.
Then they pick their way down. As they do this, we pull out to reveal a stone-henge like construction in front of them.

Jim collapses onto the fallen stones, and Caroline and Jeremy collapse onto Jim.

Jim
I'm knackered.

Jeremy draws a map from some orriface or other.

Jeremy
Now, if you two bickerettes can stop it, I have a treat for you.

Caroline
A treat?

Jeremy
U-huh.

He pulls out his other hand on which are two kinder-eggs.

Jim
Kinder eggs!

Caroline
Wow!

They snatch the eggs off Jeremy and ferrociously attack them with their finger-nails.

 Jeremy
The way to a man's heart...

Caroline's face is covered in chocolate as she attacks the plastic inner-shell with a rock.
Jeremy studies the map.
Jim has opened his shell. He looks disappointed.

Jim
Oh. It's just one of those stupid alien things.

Jeremy
Oh yes. It appears to be photocopying its genitals.

Jim
Hmm. They're no fun.

Jeremy
I'm sorry. I'll see if we can't sort you out with something else later.

Jim
What have you got, Caroline?

Caroline seems inhumanly excited. She is grinning stupidly and her eyes are wide.

Caroline
Look! It's great!

Jim
What is it?

Caroline
I don't know yet. I've not put it together...!

Jim
Let's see.

Caroline
No no no no. Mine! Let me.

She fiddles with a few bits of cheap plastic and a scratty bit of paper.
What she ends up with is a single piece of plastic with sticky out bits.
 It is very colourful and has wheels.

Caroline
Look! Isn't it great?!

Jim
Yeah! Wow!

 Jeremy
What is it?

Caroline
I'm not sure. But it's brilliant!

Jim
Let me see.

Caroline
No no no. Mine!

 She jumps up and starts rolling it around on the map which Jeremy has laid out.

Jeremy
Do you mind?

Caroline
Sorry.

Jim
Where are we heading?

 Jeremy
I'm not sure... Leon just said we had to split up into
groups of three and head in different directions.

Jim points to a bit of the map.

Jim
What's this?

Jeremy
It's a bit of the map.

Jim looks sternly.

 Jeremy
It's the local YMCA.

Jim
Oh. Like in the song.

Jeremy
That's right.

Caroline
Wow! We're going to a place mentioned in a song?!

Jeremy
Well we could do.

Caroline
Wheee!

Jim
You know it isn't this particular place that's sung about.
There's more than one YMCA.

Caroline
Shut up.

Jim
What?

Caroline
We're going to the YMCA!

Jeremy
Yes we are!

Caroline
Oh.

Jim
What's wrong?

Camera shows liquid dripping down the rock that Caroline is sat on.

Jim
Oh, Caroline, you haven't...

Jeremy
What? Oh...

Caroline
I'm sorry.

She starts crying.

Jim
There there... does this sort of thing often happen?

Caroline
Only when I get very excited...

Jeremy
Come on... we'd better be going.

Jim
You'll dry out as we walk.

They get up, but as they approach the path, the black monolith materialises there. Caroline only just escapes with her life.
The door opens, and out get Leon and Rod.

Leon
Oh. Hello.

Caroline
Leon!

She rushes up to him and hugs him, dampening his trousers with her pee.

Rod
Hello everybody.

Jim
Rod, Lord of Maygar?

Rod
No. Actually I'm you.

Jim
What?

Rod
I'm from the future. I'm a regeneration of you.
You're off to the YMCA with Jeremy.

Jim
That's right.

Rod
Is that ok, or do I need to tell you some secret?

Jim
Whisper it.

Rod whispers.

Jim
Ok. You're me.

Rod
Yes. This is all rather awkward.

At which point Tom Baker and Sarah Michelle Gellar come over the hill.

Rod
Oh, hi.

Tom
Hello? <sees Jim> Oh hell.

Jim
What?

Rod
Jim, this is another future version of yourself.

Jim
Both of you?

Rod
A-huh.

Tom
Ok. This is all rather awkward.

Sarah
What's going on?

Leon
I wish I knew.

Rod
Look. It's really rather simple. This <Jim> is Jim Barrett.
He dies at some point, which isn't really very clear at the moment,
and he regenerates into this version <Tom> who in turn
will regenerate into another version, who isn't here,
and then eventually we get me. Incidentally,
I think there's another one of us knocking around here
somewhere too. I'm sure he'll turn up...

Jim
Hmm... So does this mean that Rod of Maygar was me?

Rod
I don't know.

Jim
I see.

Tom
God. I hate time-travel. I'm getting too old for this business.

Rod
You're going to get younger...

Sarah
So why are you two here?

Rod
Jim's here to stop some Geese from destroying the Earth,
and I'm here to make sure he does a better job of it than last time round.

Jeremy
I see.

Jim
So what's the plan?

Rod
We've got to get to the Barbican.

EXT - BARBICAN - EVENING / NIGHT

Establish the Barbican. Alan enters, and passes through the foyer.

INT - BARBICAN - EVENING / NIGHT

A great sports hall in the barbican where several hundred monks are assembled. In the crowds, Alan cuts through to get a good view of the proceedings.
An important looking monk in a gold mask climbs up some steps, with John  Sayles' monk and another monk played by David Duchovny at each side.
The golden mask is a stylised goose-head.

Masked Monk
Brothers. Now is the time. Now we must make our declaration to the world.
The time has come to show the people the words of our lords.
The time has come to meet our gods in a jubilant statement to the unbelievers.

At which point the black monolith materialises, as does a police phone box. Out step Rod and his entourage.

Rod
Alright, Ant. The game's up. You can stop all of this now.

The monks take off their masks. The Masked Monk is Ant (Ben Kingsley)

Ant
Oh. I was really getting into that. Ok. Well done.

Jim
Ant?

Rod
Yeah. Look, Ant...
Up there, the Geese have got Dalek technology.

Ant
What?

Rod
The geese have got extermination rays and what-not.

Ant
Oh.

Rod
Which is not good.

Ant
No.

Rod
And they're going to kill everyone.

Ant
We better blow them up then.

Rod
Ok.

Ant
Esteban, do the business.

Est (Guy Siner)
The ropes?

Ant
No, Esteban... Blow up the geese.

Est
Ah. Yes, master.

Esteban pulls out a palm-top computer and plays stylophones with it.
Cut to:

EXT - CENTRAL HALL - SPACE

Nothing happens.

INT - BARBICAN - NIGHT

Est
Shit.

Ant
What's wrong?

Est
The destruct system has been over-ridden.

Rod
Ah.

Ant
Commence emergency evacuation.

Est
Ok.

Jim
Emergency evacuation?

Ant
Those geese could destroy the Earth at
any minute. We're getting out of here.

Jim2 (Kevin Spacey)
Should we... um... use the... you know?...

Est
The ropes.

Ant
No. No. Best not. Just launch the ship.
The dramatics will have to wait.

Rod
Dramatics?

Ant
Yes. It's nothing really. Esteban?

Jim
Isn't there a way we can save the Earth from total destruction?

Ant
No.

Caroline
What about all our friends?

Ant
You've got a time machine. Sort it out later.
We've got more pressing matters ahead.

Jim2
I thought we weren't doing that.

Ant
I wasn't on about that. Just launch us.

Rod
Ok. <to Jim> You go and pick up
Sally, Zed and Leon at the university.
<to Tom>
You go down the river and round that lot up.

Tom and Sarah get in their Tardis. Jim, Caroline and Jeremy get in the monolith.
Both vehicles start to disappear and then Jim's monolith-tardis goes splat and showers everyone in jam.
The other tardis vanishes, before instantly re-appearing.
Out step Tom, Sarah, Babysham, Willow (Alyson Hannigan), Alex, Alana (Shirley Manson), Craig (Tom Cruise), and Anna (Julia Carling). Babysham is covered in slimy mud.

BabyS
It's a good thing your tardis has a winch mechanism.

They notice that everyone is pretty jammy.

Tom
What happened?

Rod
Looks like that version of me forgot to allow time for his tardis to clear.
Just rematerialised over himself.

Tom
Ew.

Sarah
Hey. This chunk of bloody matter is pulsating.

Rod
Yes. Well it's still alive.

Tom
What?

Rod
It's the whole being dead and gone to hell thing from last episode.

Tom
Oh. Eternal pain, and all that.

Rod
Yes. Because we've already died once, we can't die again.
But we can get blown up and we can feel pain.

Tom
Lovely. Is he going to regenerate now then?

Rod
If he has any sense.

Tom
I see. Watch yourself, Sarah... This could be a bit messy.

Some of the jam glows green.

Rod
Quick! Help us push him together.

As the building begins to shudder, everyone gathers around and shoves the green matter into a pile. The glowing intensifies.

Est
We have lift-off!

EXT - BARBICAN - NIGHT

Shot of the Barican taking off.

INT - BARBICAN - NIGHT

Shot of the flesh congealing into the form of another Tom - Tom2, who is naked.

Tom
This should be moderately confusing.

Tom2
Hello everyone.

BabyS
<to the crowd below>
Alan!

Alan
(spotted in the crowd)
Hello.

BabyS
What're you doing down there?

Alan
Keeping out of the way.

BabyS
I see.

Craig
Look, I hope no-one minds me asking,
but who does that leave in eternal pain?

Tom2
<being draped in a blanket by Sarah>
Caroline, Jeremy, Sally, Zed and Leon.

Leon
I'm not in eternal pain.

Rod
He's right. Leon wasn't dead.
He is now though.

Tom2
Which mean's he'll be in hell.

Rod
Right.

Leon
Maybe someone ought to rescue me... I need rescuing right?

Rod
It seems a bit risky. We already have one of you.

Leon
Yes. Well we have three of you.
I'm pretty sure that in the interests of fairness...

Rod
Hang about... there's four of us.

Tom2
What?

Tom
What?

Rod
Yes. The one before the one before you. Down there.

Tom
Well if he's down there, and the Earth's set to explode,
then that'll be... a paradox... won't it?

Rod
So therefore... the Earth isn't going to explode...

Tom2
Not necesarily... it could be that we're meant to rescue him.

Leon
And me?

Tom
Or it could be another parallel universe thing.

Rod
I don't think it's the last one.

Tom
Oh?

Rod
No. I've ruled that out, I think.

Tom2
Go on...

Rod
I think this is a loop.
<to Tom2>
You're here to stop the destruction of the Earth by the geese, yes?

Tom2
Yes.

Rod
But you failed, and became me. But I came back and put you right...

Tom2
Yes.

Rod
<to Tom> While you are here by accident,
and don't remember anything about this incident...

Tom
Yes.

Rod
Which is understandable because your brain probably
erased your memory to protect you from going insane with
the thought of having entered a time loop.

Tom2
What about Sarah? I thought she died in Heaven.

Rod
Maybe she did, and just doesn't remember it.
We're dead ourselves remember. Maybe again, she just erased
her memory to protect herself from going nuts.

BabyS
Or maybe someone else did...

Rod
Maybe.

Tom
So either the Earth won't blow up,
or we're going to rescue the old me...

Rod
Yes.

Anna
Oh. This is confusing...

Tom
So which?

Tom2
I say we play it safe.

Leon
I say we rescue me.

Alana
<to Alex>
What's going on my dearest?

Alex
I'm not sure, my lovely parasite of pleasure...
<to the rest> What's going on?

Tom
We're working out a plan to rescue the other me.

Alex
Which other you?

Tom
The one down there. The one with the glasses.

Alex
The one who looked like Christopher Eccleston?

Tom2
That's the one.

Alex
I see.

Leon
And we've got to rescue me too.

Alex
So how are you going to rescue these people?

Willow
Presumably some sort of time travel will be in order... no?

Est
Sorry to interrupt your lovely discussion, but we are about to go interstellar.
Please place your heads between your legs.

EXT - BARBICAN - SPACE

Shot of the barbican zooming off into hyperspace. In it's wake we see Central Hall which is blown out of orbit by fast moving dust particles.
It spirals uncontrollably and heads towards the Earth. It burns up on re-entry. As it does so, the Earth explodes.

INT - BARBICAN - SPACE

Tom2
That's blown it.

Tom.
Yup.

Craig
Shouldn't you all disappear in a puff of logic now?

Rod
I think I should've done that a while ago, but I didn't.

Leon
Which means what, exactly?

Rod
I'm not sure...

at which point, Rod and Leon disappear into puffs of smoke.

Tom2
I see.

Tom
Ok...

Tom2
But if they didn't exist, how did we know to come to the Barbican?

Tom
If who didn't exist?

at which point another tardis materialises in the Barbican, out of which step "Christopher Eccleston Jim", Leon, another Alex, and Stew.

Jim
Hello.

Stew
Hi all.

Alana
That's you, dearest fungal growth...

Alex
It is.

Alex2
Hello, me.

Alex
Hello.

Tom2
This is all getting a bit too much for me.

Babysham
It's fine if you let your imagination leap into action...

Tom2
My imagination doesn't leap into action,
it just limps about a bit and falls over...

Stew
Ok. What's going on here?

Babysham
The Earth's been blown up by Dalek-Geese.

Stew
Oh.

Babysham
And there's been an over-reliance on time machines.

Stew
Right. There's a lot of people here...

Willow
Some of them are the same person.

Stew
Yes.

Tom
So how did you get here.

Stew
Jim gave us a lift.

Jim
I noticed that the Barbican was missing, so I got into my Tardis
to try and find it. Only when I got inside, I found I had three stowaways.

Stew
That was us.

Anna
What were you doing in there?

Stew
It's a long story...

Alex
No it's not.

Leon
Not if you tell it quickly enough.

Tom
Go on...

Leon
We're from the future. Alex found a book. It had a hand inside.

Tom2
Oh yes?

Leon
Yes. And it dragged us through the book,
using a special effect. And we ended up on Earth.

Stew
Where we found that the Barbican was missing,
so Leon decided we should call the police, only
it wasn't a police box, it was Jim's tardis.

Alex
And that's pretty much it.

Tom
So what dragged you through the book?

Stew
A hand.

Tom
Who's hand?

Stew
How should I know?

Tom2
I see.

Jim
Anyway, we're here now.

Tom
Yes.

Alan
And you're from the future...

Alex
A-huh.

Willow
So I presume you know what happens next?

click. rewind. click. play

Willow
So I presume you know what happens next?

click. rewind. click. play

Willow
So I presume you know what happens next?

INT - STARGATE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Shot of Babysham sat in his chair, wearing his big leather coat, and smoking gently from the ear.
He is bathed in the glow of the television.
A mercury tear drips down his cheek.

ALAN
off
You miss her, don't you.

BABYSHAM
What happened to Jim and Sarah?

ALAN
They've got a pub in their tardis. We're meeting them
there as soon as you've watched this summary of events.

BABYSHAM
Oh yes. That was it. Oh well...
Fuck it. I want a drink. Come on.

he turns off the telly, and sweeps around, coat swishing as he paces down the hallway. Alan follows.

Cut to:

INT - TARDIS PUB - NIGHT

Or rather, the no-smoking room of the Cask and Cutler, Sheffield.
Here, Jim (Anthony Head), Leon, Stew, Alex, Alana, Ant, and Sarah are sat, playing cards.
Babysham enters carrying a glowing yellow-green liquid in a glass.
He is followed by Alan who has a pint of something brown and sticky.

BABYSHAM
Oh. Hello.

JIM
Did you watch it all?

BABYSHAM
No. I couldn't be arsed.

STEW
You didn't miss much.

ALEX
How far did you get?

ALAN
He got to the bit before the squishy accident.

ALANA
Squishy!

SARAH
Ew.

ANT
Which bit was that?

BABYSHAM
The one where the rope brackets in the Barbican failed and
several hundred people, including Esteban, Jim Two, Craig, Anna,
and a certain Miss Rosenberg were crushed into a bloody soup.

ANT
Oh. That.

JIM
Yes, that. I had to regenerate again because of that.

BABYSHAM
You enjoyed it.

JIM
Well it does give you a certain buzz.

ALAN
Needless to say: that bit brought it all back, really.

BABYSHAM
Vividly.

ANT
I appologised for it, but you know,
Guinea pigs only squeak if you squeeze them.

STEW
That sounds very deep.

ANT
Good.

JIM
Yes yes. We've gone through all this already.

ALEX
Yes. Can we just move on...

BABYSHAM
Ok. What's the plan? <to Leon> You're from the future, you said...

LEON
That point's been and gone.

BABYSHAM
Oh?

ALEX
As we already explained, we were in Heaven when we were dragged back in time.
But the moment it happened must've been seconds before everything got blown up.

ALAN
Babysham had stopped the tape by then.

LEON
I see.

BABYSHAM
So what's the plan? There is a plan, right?

JIM
The plan is that we whizz around through space
until we find somewhere nice to live.

STEW
Kind of like Watership Down with a Tardis.

BABYSHAM
Can't we just go back in time to Earth?

LEON
We gave you that video for a reason, you know.

JIM
He's right. It was all explained there.

BABYSHAM
Sorry. Can't you just explain it now?

LEON
Hmph. I suppose.

JIM
The tardis requires gold latinum to travel through time,
and we ran out coming through the Stargate after you.

BABYSHAM
Oh. I'm sorry... But we're ok for space travel...?

STEW
For space travel it uses human excrement.

LEON
Of which we have an unlimited supply.

BABYSHAM
I see. Well in that case it all sounds a good idea to me.

ALAN
Me too.

LEON
Jolly good.

Alan downs his pint. Cut to:

EXT - STREET - NIGHT

Shot of the tardis dematerialising.

Music: An electronic cover of Bright Eyes. Animation sequence: a pile of leaves on the now deserted street whip up into the air and move about in a circle. The rotating circle of leaves melts into a sun which bleeds and becomes a pylon. Animated versions of our remaining cast drift around the pylons like ghosts. Horizon goes all wobbly and melts into a rotating eye of Babysham. Mix back to real footage -

INT - PIPE - DAWN

ECU of Babysham hiding in a concrete pipe. He is wet and looks afraid. His eye glows.
Alan cowers in the dark background, unseen when watched on a TV in a lit room.

ALAN
Has she gone?

BABYSHAM
Shh!

ALAN
Sorry.

<beat>

BABYSHAM
I think she's gone.

ALAN
Thank God for that...

BABYSHAM
Come on...

He creeps out of the pipe and hesitantly looks around. He beckons Alan after him and they dust themselves off.

INT - STRANGE ROOM - DAWN

They are stood in a strange room - a kind of mix between classical and industrial architecture.
They walk through a large, empty, and somewhat dusty entrance hall.

ALAN
What are we going to do?

BABYSHAM
We're going to find the others.

EXT - ABANDONED CITY - DAWN

They step out into an abandoned San Francisco rip-off city where the fog and the sunrise combine to make a mysterious purple-orange sky.

ALAN
They could be dead by now.

BABYSHAM
Quite possibly.

Shot of the two in shadow, with the clearing fog and the intense sunrise. Time lapse clouds and CU of Babysham.

BABYSHAM (vo)
It went like this:

Mix to

EXT - TARDIS DOWN - DAY

...a shady grove at the top of a hill.
Our heroic collective are sat there on the grass, enjoying the sun.
The tardis supplies a degree of shade.

BABYSHAM (vo)
After setting off from the Stargate it took us only two weeks before
we found our paradise: the planet Musaka in the star system Nigel 4.
We settled down to a life of pleasure and all was going well. Until the spring...

Jim and Sarah are at it like bunnies in the shade of a tree. Ant, Babysham and Alan are sat on the hilltop, watching.

ALAN
There's only one problem with this place...

BABYSHAM
What's that?

ALAN
There's seven blokes, and only one woman.

BABYSHAM
I see what you mean.

ALAN
Good.

BABYSHAM
We could always wait for Jim and Sarah to produce a girl or two...

ALAN
I don't think I could wait that long.

BABYSHAM
I don't think Leon could either...

show Leon trying to rape squirrels.
Stew approaches the three voyeurs.

STEW
Are them two at it?

ALAN
A-huh.

STEW
I din't realise they were going out as such...
I thought they'd fallen out at Argos 5.

ALAN
I don't think they are going out as such...

ANT
They have brief periods of very intense friendship.

STEW
Oh.

beat

BABYSHAM
We were just discussing the issue of crumpet.

STEW
What, like pikelets?

ALAN
No. Like women.

STEW
Oh. What of them?

BABYSHAM
There's a distinct drought of them here.

STEW
Well there's Sarah, and Alana.

ALAN
Who?

STEW
Alana.

BABYSHAM
I don't know who you're talking about.

STEW
Pale girl. Odd. Used to go out with Alex.

ANT
Nope. Means nothing to me.

ALAN
Me neither.

STEW
Oh, come off it. She's over there in the bracken.

shot of empty bracken.

ALAN
There's no-one there.

LEON
<approaching>
What're you lot on about?

STEW
Alana.

LEON
Who?

STEW
Alex's old girlfriend.

LEON
What??

STEW
Come on... You know her.

LEON
I'm afraid I don't know what you're talking about.

ANT
Alex has always been single.

STEW
What about Midge?

ALAN
Midge?

LEON
I think you've lost it.

ALAN
It's the lack of women. It's driving us all bonkers.

LEON
So it seems.

BABYSHAM
We need to find some eligable female company.

LEON
Do you think that's wise? The shock might kill us.

ANT
There must be another community somewhere in this star system.

ALAN
One we might be able to do a deal with...

STEW
Go and buy some women?

ALAN
Well at least chat some up.

LEON
This plan sounds doomed from the off.

STEW
Doesn't it.

BABYSHAM
I don't care. I want to get laid.

STEW
A-huh.

ANT
You might try the database in the Tardis.

Cut to

INT - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

CU of an 8-bit computer screen. On it is an Elite style readout of a local planet, with an Elite style depiction of its inhabitants: in this case something really quite unpleasant.
Babysham operates the controls, and flicks through a number of planets.
The inhabitants get progressively cuter - rodents - felines - until we finally land on a human species.

BABYSHAM
Got one.

STEW
Yeah?

ALAN
Planet F34...

ANT
I think a visit may be in order...

Mix to

EXT - F34 - SPACE

Establish shot of Planet F34. Tardis materialisation sound.

EXT - OLD RAILWAY BRIDGE - NIGHT

Shot of an old railway bridge. Tardis materialises beneath it. The team exit.

BABYSHAM
Right then... Let's go shopping...

LEON
Might I yet again express my reservations about this plan?

STEW
No.

They set off along a track that leads to the F34 city. It is the city Babysham was in earlier.
Suddenly, out of the hedge stumbles Rod, Lord of Maygar.

Rod
Argh!! Thank god you're here!

He collapses in the dirt.

STEW
Rod? Jim?

JIM
Are you ok?

ALAN
What happened to you?

Alex takes his pulse.

ALEX
He's dead.

Rod glows green. He regenerates into Steve Davis. He is layed on his back, eyes shut. ECU.
Suddenly he opens his eyes wide.

STEVE
There's something I have to tell you. Something very important.

ANT
What?

STEVE
... I can't remember. Damn!

LEON
Was it very important?

STEVE
Oh yes.

ALEX
Come on. Remember.

STEVE
It's no good.

Leon slaps him.

STEVE
Ow!

LEON
Did that help?

STEVE
No.

slaps again.

STEVE
Stop it! That isn't helping.

BABYSHAM
What are you doing here?

STEVE
I'm not sure. I can't remember properly.

LEON
I see.

slaps again.

LEON
Just making sure.

BABYSHAM
Can you remember anything about that city?

STEVE
No.

stares at Leon.

STEW
Care to join us?

ALEX
We're off there looking for women...

STEVE
I don't think I feel quite up to it...

SARAH
Well do you want to stay here in the Tardis?

STEVE
If I could.

JIM
Of course. Do you want to stay with him, Sarah.

SARAH
I suppose so. Beats looking at your ugly mug all day.

Stew shakes his head, empuzzled.

ANT
Right then, come on.

LEON
I really don't think we should be doing this....

They walk off.

INT - F34 CITY - DAWN

Establish within foggy city.
Ominous music...

LEON
Look... you saw the state of Jim back there...
Oh for God's sake... We're going to die!

The city seems to be abandoned. Litter and tumbleweeds blow across the street.
Un-snecked doors clatter in the breeze.

ANT
The place is deserted...

LEON
Right... Let's go home...

BABYSHAM
No. Wait. We've not had a proper look round.

STEW
There's no-one here...

LEON
Dum de dum... We're all going to die... da da dee...

Babysham POV - Infra red camera with generic cross-hairs etc.

STEW
What're you doing, Babysham?

BABYSHAM
Just making a sweep of the area.

ALAN
Anything?

BABYSHAM
Nothing warm.

ALEX
That's not the same thing. We're cold dead after all.

BABYSHAM
Quite...

ANT
Maybe we should split up - cover more ground...

LEON
What an utterly stupid idea.

BABYSHAM
Ok. Meet back here in about fifteen minutes.

Babysham, Alex and Alan head right.
Ant, Jim and Stew head left.
Leon is stood in the middle. Undecided.
He tosses a coin and chooses left.

LEON
We're all going to die.

STEW
You're very negative. You're probably
right, but you're very negative...

JIM
Exactly. It's much better to
face death blissfully ignorant.

ANT
Well I can't see any women around...

JIM
I can't see any life around.

LEON
They're all dead. It's probably the air...

ANT
The air's fine. Babysham checked it all out.

LEON
Babysham's tried to kill us before now.

ANT
Yes.

STEW
We're dead already though. We can't die from poisoned air.

LEON
Well what happens if we catch leprosy or something.

ANT
We rot away.

JIM
In agonising pain.

LEON
Yes. You see I don't fancy rotting away.
It's not something I've been planning to do.
And I can't say I'm mad about the agonising
pain idea either for that matter...

STEW
Oh come on. You might enjoy it.
It's nice to have a change...
Try to be a bit more spontanious.

JIM
If the chance of rotting away comes up
you should grab it with both hands.

LEON
No. Rotting away is something I'm happy to miss out on.

ANT
You'll regret it in years to come.

LEON
I don't think I will...

beat

JIM
I wonder why the place is deserted...

STEW
Well quite clearly some great disaster has befallen this
place. And it'll befallen on us soon if we don't leave.

a tumbleweed rolls by...

LEON
I'm fed up of dying. It happens regular to us.
Why can't we not die for a change?

diagonal wipe to the others...
Babysham is scanning the place. POV.

BABYSHAM
No good. I still can't find anything.

ALEX
Have you tried checking for micro-changes in air density?

BABYSHAM
No.

ALAN
Why not?

BABYSHAM
Because I don't know how.

ALAN
Fair enough.

they wander about. Alan kicks a can.

ALEX
Anyway... seems safe to say there's nobody here.

At which point there is a laser blast which cuts diagonally from top left to bottom right, through the group.
It sparks on impact with some girder-work.

ALAN
What was that?!

Alex puts his hands up.

ALEX
<loudly, to unseen marksman, as he steps away from the rest of the group>
I'd like it known that I don't know these
people... and the ones I do know I detest...
My presence here on a deserted street at exactly
the same moment as them is purely coincidental.

ALAN
<to Alex>
You seem to swing between love and absolute hatred...

ALEX
<through side of his mouth>
I know. It's great isn't it. It's one
of the things I love about me.
<loudly, to Alan>
Who are you and why do you torment me?!

at which point a laser blast thunders into Alex's abdomen, and he crumples to the floor.

ALEX
Yarow!

ALAN
Bloody hell.

VOICE
(unseen)
Silence.

BABYSHAM
Sarah?

at which point Sarah Michelle Gellar somersalts into the street, carrying a laser gun.
She has got changed and is now wearing black leather trousers and a leather sleeveless top thing - nothing too sexy; something like what Ripley wears in Alien 4.

ALAN
Wha...?

BABYSHAM
Leather trousers... the sexy, dominant, cute look.

she points the gun at Babysham and fires. His shoulder sparks.

BABYSHAM
Yaow! Easy, tiger...

ALEX
<rocking in pain on the floor>
What are you doing?

SARAH
I'm here for your souls.

BABYSHAM
Oh. Well why didn't you say something back
at the Tardis? Here, let me get you mine...

He reaches into his overcoat.

SARAH
Keep your hands where I can see them.

he puts them in the air.

ALAN
What's going on?

SARAH
I'm here for your souls.

BABYSHAM
Have we got any?

SARAH
You left Hell on limited release. Part of the conditions
of that release were that you were to return
once you had eliminated the geese. You were also
instructed not to attempt to escape from Hell.

ALAN
But Hell's been blown up.

SARAH
That is no concern of mine. I am merely
here to return you to Hell, where you
will be punished for breaking the contract.
You will also be punished for your roles in
the murder of the demon consort Jeremy.

BABYSHAM
Jeremy's death was an accident.

SARAH
You will be transported back to Hell.
There you will be tried before the
Satanic Council of Lost and Errant Souls.

ALEX
But Hell's been blown up!

SARAH
That is of no relevence.

BABYSHAM
I'll think you'll find it probably
effects things ever so slightly...

SARAH
Silence.

BABYSHAM
Can I just ask one question?

SARAH
No.

BABYSHAM
Oh.

at which point an arsenal of weapons unfold from his back pack and point over his shoulders.
Sarah fires at him. Babysham sparks all over with blue electricity before falling on his back.

SARAH
One more stunt like that and I'll jibb you all.

Alex struggles to his feet.

BABYSHAM
Mrraahhrh...

Sarah aims at Alex. Alex puts his hand up, revealing a bloody hole in his stomach. His intestines fall out.

ALEX
Aw shit.

He bends down again and tries to scoop them back in.

SARAH
Let that be a warning to you all.

Babysham, still lying motionless on the floor, fires a stun wire at Sarah, who falls down with blue electric shock.

BABYSHAM
Come on... Make a run for it!

ALEX
My insides are falling out!

They run - Alan in the lead, Babysham hobbling behind, and Alex trailing.
Sarah dusts herself off, ripping the stun wires from her naked arm and drawing a vamipre bite of blood.
She persues, firing indiscriminately.

SARAH
Stop right there!

Alex is forced to stop. He collapses in a heap, clutching his stomach.
Babysham's back is seen turning through a door, into a building.
Sarah approaches.

SARAH
<to Alex>
Don't even think about moving.

As she heads to the door, a volley of fire - laser, bullets, anything and everything - streams out the doorway.
Sarah raises a hand and the bullets and blasts just fall to the floor, two inches before her hand.
The shooting ceases.

SARAH
Pathetic.

She heads into the darkness of the building, leaving Alex nursing his organs.
Suddenly, everyone else comes dashing around the corner.

ANT
What's going on? What's all the commotion?

ALEX
to Jim
Your girlfriend's gone a bit... unwell.

ANT
Are you alright?

ALEX
I think we ought to run away very quickly.
But it hurts. It bloody well hurts.

LEON
La da dee...

STEW
Where are the others?

ALEX
In there. Sarah's gone after them.

JIM
Sarah?

ALEX
A-huh. She says she has to return our souls to hell.

ANT
But hell's been blown up.

ALEX
<getting up>
Come on.

JIM
We aren't leaving Alan and Babysham...

SARAH
<appearing in the doorway, with her gun>
We are for now. Move it, suckers.

JIM
Sarah?

SARAH
I am Lucifer. Your souls are mine.
Now get your filthy hands up in the air.

STEW
Lucy... I think you're missing
a subtle piece of information...

SARAH
Really?

STEW
Hell's not there anymore.

SARAH
That is not my concern.

ANT
Yes it is. You can't take us back
to hell if it's not there anymore...

SARAH
That is not my concern.

ALEX
(quietly)
She keeps saying that.

STEW (to Sarah)
I really think you ought to at least bare it in mind.

SARAH
Silence!

LEON
Are you going to kill us?

SARAH
No. I am going to return you to hell.

LEON
Good. I hear it's quite nice.

STEW
But hell isn't there anymore!

JIM
It's been blown up.

SARAH
That is no concern of mine.

JIM
That's just irrational!

ALEX
Just let her take us there, for god's sake...

VOICE
<off>
Ok. Don't anybody move.

everyone turns to see Steve Davis. He is carrying a bike-pump and a blaster.

STEVE
Drop the weapon, Lucy.

Sarah shoots. Steve blocks the blast with the bike pump. Jim uses POG to force the gun from Sarah's hand. He grabs it and turns it on her.

JIM
Listen! Hell is gone: blown away.
We can't time-travel. Therefore,
we can't go back to hell. Understand?

STEVE
Actually, we can time-travel.

ANT
What?

STEVE
How do you think I got here...

SARAH
Now do you see?

STEW
Well why didn't you just say that?!

SARAH
I thought it was obvious.

JIM
Well it wasn't.

LEON
Do we get to go to hell then now?

at which Babysham and Alan come running round the building, see the group and stop.

JIM
Hi! It's ok. I think we've diffused the situation.

ALAN
What?

STEVE
I've got a working tardis.
We can go back to hell.

ALAN
Oh.

BABYSHAM
So what was with all the gun-play?

SARAH
 I must return your souls to hell.

JIM
Are you ok?

STEVE
She knocked me out and tied me up
after I told her about the tardis.

STEW
How'd you escape?

STEVE
She can't tie very good knots.

BABYSHAM
No offense, Jim, but your girlfriend's psychotic.

JIM
Not psychotic, just not a good knot tie-er,
and not my girlfriend actually...

STEW
Lucy. Are you ok?

SARAH
That is no concern of mine.

ANT
Sounds like a no.

ALEX
I'm just going to black out now.

STEW
Ok.

Alex falls unconscious. Leon is pacing around. In the background of one shot we see him tasting Alex's liver. This shouldn't be obvious. One for the slow-motion play.

ANT
Perhaps we should get her to a psychiatric hospital.

JIM
Perhaps.

ALAN
She shot Alex.

JIM
Yes. So I see.

ANT
Is she dangerous?

STEW
<to Sarah>
Are you dangerous?

SARAH
Silence!

One shot: She says her line, then she slumps to the floor in an unconscious heap.
Behind her we see Leon brandishing a shovel. Wider angle:

LEON
Oops.

reverse angle:

ANT
Probably for the best.

Crane shot - pull up and out.
Hover over the deserted and dusty street like the end of some classy western, with Sarah and Alex slumped motionless on the floor, Leon stood over Sarah with the shovel, Jim holding the blaster, Steve with a blaster and a bike pump, and everyone else stood wherever it is they're stood.
Make use of shadow.

Caption in a western-style font:
THE END
 

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