University Challenge set. Jeremy "Thumper" Paxman at desk.

The University of York was bulit in the nineteen-sixties
on a reclaimed swamp, and boasts the largest plastic-lined
pond in Europe. Their past performance in University
Challenge has been far from anything to write home about
and looking at the team they've put forward this year,
I don't expect that the writers of the History Books
will be called to do any serious correction tonight.
Let's meet the pathetic quartet of no-hopers...

Cut to shot of Stew, who has long hair and stubble, and is wearing a bright blue felt jacket over
a "Frankie Says"-style T-Shirt bearing the slogan "Who Killed Bambi?".
On the desk in front of him is a cuddly stuffed badger mascot. Beneath that is his name panel which reads "CHESTER".

Stew Jester, from Sheffield, doing Philosophy.

Pan right to reveal Leon, a stubbly figure with quiffy hair and glasses, wearing a dark green shirt.
In front of him, on the desk, is a mug of coffee. His name panel reads "PROSTNEDVIC".

Leon Protznedvic, from Yugoslavia, taking Music.

Pan right.

And their team captain:

Reveal Jim, who has aubern hair and wears a blue shirt. On the desk is Tom Baker's scarf. The name panel reads "BARRETT".

Jim Barrett, from North London, studying Computer Science.

Pan right to Alex, who has floppy dark hair and wears round-rimmed mirrored sunglasses, and a white shirt.
His name panel reads "JEFFERSON". To his right, on the desk, is a crudely stuffed dead greylag goose.
It's head may only just be in shot, and it should look both big and hideous. It should ideally cast a shadow over Alex's face.

Alex Jefferson, from Ontario, Canada,
reading Physics and Astrophysics.

As he says this, he can just be seen to be sharpening a large kitchen knife behind the desk. He doesn't look at the knife though.
Rather he stares unrelentingly and menacingly at the camera.

Shot of Thumper.

Ok. Starter for ten.
(split screen: some faceless uni on the top; york on the bottom)
Which new soap opera begins on AV1 this Saturday and...

buzz. zoomy effect on Jim.

York; Barrett.

A New Soap.

Correct. So here's the first of your three bonuses, York.
For five points I'd like to know where it's set.

moderate conferring. Alex stares persistantly ahead and does not confer.

York University.

No. The University of York. Who's in it?

more conferring, as before.

Come on...

We are.

No. I need a more accurate answer.

Um. Stew, Leon, Me and Alex?

No, you imbeciles. Jean Reno, Ewan McGregor,
Christopher Eccleston and Vincent Perez.

Leon rolls his eyes. Alex is more visably knife-sharpening.

Final bonus. Aren't you cretins all a bit old to be students?

Don't cut back to the team. Just show a knife suddenly embedding itself in Thumper's forehead.


He falls backwards on his chair and out of shot.
Superimpose scheduling caption-card over empty space.

To "Episode 0 - A New Soap"