Interview with John Craven, November 1987.

The last time we interviewed John Craven was nearly four years ago... Back then, he was releasing an album of cover versions with his band The Angels of Death. He's still touring with them, but they just put out two singles without John. We sent Evan out to sniff for details.

EP - Long time no see...
JC - Do I know you?
EP - Yes.
JC - Oh.
EP - We arranged an interview...
JC - Mm...
EP - So what've you been up to since last time I saw you?
JC - Depends when you saw me last.
EP - 1984.
JC - o'Brien got me and reprogrammed my brain.
EP - Oh dear.
JC - Now I'm forced to inceasently tour this godforsaken country, playing gigs in exchange for strips of coloured paper with an old woman drawn on them.
EP - Money?
JC - Which can then be exchanged for goods and services. And mind-altering chemicals.
EP - Is that what it's for? I've often wondered.
JC - What are you talking about?
EP - Money.
JC - That's what I want.
EP - Is it?
JC - Yes. Do you realise how hard it's been, reprogramming my mind to stop automatically responding "Get Back".
EP - What?
JC - ...fucking Pink fucking Floyd...
EP - Oh. Right.
JC - I used to be in Pink Floyd, you know...
EP - Did you?
JC - Yes.
EP - Which one were you?
JC - I was Rick Wright.
EP - Oh?
JC - I used to have to hide round the back, and play his keyboards for him.
EP - Really?
JC - Oh yes. He'd stand on stage with a dummy organ, and I'd be round the back, playing all his parts.
EP - How come?
JC - He was shit.
EP - Oh.
JC - Yeah. He'd no idea how to play live. Pillock. In the end, he sacked me. I think the band were getting suspicious.
EP - Oh yes?
JC - Guess I was playing too well. Shame that. It was quite an earner.
EP - When was this?
JC - Oh. Back in the late 60s. Syd was in on it all, of course...
EP - Yeah?
JC - But he only knew about a quarter of the time.
EP - Yeah.
JC - He was great, Syd. Only one with any nouse.
EP - He fried his brain like an egg.
JC - Exactly.
EP - I see. Is that your aim then?
JC - I aim to go one better.
EP - Oh?
JC - And to fry my brain like two eggs.
EP - Clever.
JC - Not especially.
EP - Right.
JC - Are you going to ask me some questions, Tony?
EP - Evan.
JC - Just testing.
EP - So you're touring with the Angels of Death...
JC - I am.
EP - What do you reckon to these singles of theirs then?
JC - You what?
EP - Their singles...
JC - Oh... You mean the songs they play while I'm having a fag and a sit down?
EP - Yeah.
JC - I've not really paid much attention. I like that one that goes muh-nuh-muh-nuh-muh-nuh-muh-nuh...
EP - Miasma?
JC - Muh-nuh-muh-nuh-muh-nuh-muh-nuh...
EP - Miasma.
JC - ...muh-nuh-mumuuh-nuh-muh-nuh-nuh...
EP - John...
JC - Nuh-nuh Nah!! Nah!! Then I come on...
EP - Yes.
JC - Right.
EP - So you haven't heard the recorded version then?
JC - They recorded it?
EP - Yeah.
JC - In a studio?
EP - Yeah.
JC - The buggers. They never said owt...
EP - They've done rather well...
JC - Have they?
EP - Especcially their latest one.
JC - How many they done?
EP - Two singles.
JC - When was their last one?
EP - Helena's Dead came out last month.
JC - Helena Jones?
EP - Yeah...
JC - Is dead?
EP - Yeah.
JC - Hurray!
EP - Not in real life.
JC - What?
EP - It's just a song.
JC - Right. I see.
EP - Yeah.
JC - Bitch.
EP - Do you not like her?
JC - No.
EP - Any reason?
JC - She's a nasty piece of work.
EP - In what way?
JC - Poisoner of minds...
EP - Is this something to do with Cathy Carrow?
JC - Cretinous skink...
EP - Why is it every interview I ever do with you always seems to come back to Cathy Carrow?
JC - Would you shut the fuck up about Cathy Carrow?!
EP - Happily.
JC - What is your problem here?!
EP - I think you're projecting, John...
JC - Don't patronise me, Evan.
EP - Well at least you got my name right...

JC headbutts EP.

EP - Ow; Jesus... Fuck...
JC - Bloody hell... Agh... What's your chuffin' nose made from? Stainless steel? God...
EP - What the fuck did you do that for?!
JC - Would you like another? Bloody hell...
EP - Ow... Are you ok, John?
JC - I think you broke my forehead...
EP - Serves you bloody right.
JC - Don't start.
EP - Did I touch a nerve back there?
JC - I think, you've severely damaged a few now at any rate...
EP - You nearly broke my nose...
JC - If I'd meant to break your nose, I'd've done it... mind... I'm not convinced actually... That's quite a solid nose you've got.
EP - Speaking of noses...
JC - Mm... (ow)...
EP - Yes... how did you get your kink?
JC - Nothing glamourous...
EP - No?
JC - ...I had an argument with a club manager in America, and couldn't afford to get it fixed.
EP - That's quite glamourous. I mean, it's not exactly a run in with the Krays, but....
JC - Pfah. Pair o' fuckers.
EP - You knew them?
JC - You work the London club scene in the '50s and '60s, you get to fall in the same circles, more's the pity. I never met them to speak to though. Wouldn't want to.
EP - Ahuh.
JC - I hope you realise that that hurt me more than it appears to have hurt you.
EP - Oh yes. Instant karma.
JC - Mm. Don't bring Lennon into this. I can only tolerate so much.
EP - Sorry.
JC - I should hope so.
EP - What was the argument about?
JC - Argument?
EP - In America.
JC - Oh. I dunno. Money, I expect. I forget.
EP - So... going back to the Angels...
JC - Yeah... are they recording owt else, fo you know?
EP - Dunno. I expected you to be a bit more in the loop than me...
JC - Not in the loop at all... They're only my fucking backing group... Why'd they tell me owt...
EP - Mm.
JC - I shall have to have words...
EP - I wouldn't try to headbutt any of them.
JC - No. I'm not stupid. Petra'd slit my kneck before I got close.
EP - I bet.
JC - Brr...
EP - What?
JC - Nowt. Just imagining Petra slittling my throat...
EP - Oh. So any future plans?
JC - None that I can think of...
EP - Just carrying on with the gigging business?
JC - A-huh. Dunno what else I'd do.
EP - No...
JC - I get just about enough money to exist.
EP - Where're you existing now?
JC - In a van... I kid you not.
EP - How come?
JC - It's cheap and convenient. It's great actually. A bit like my boat, but a bit smaller.
EP - Yeah?
JC - Yeah. All mod cons: calor-gas stove, tape deck... bucket...
EP - Seems a bit hippy... a bit Elecktrick Gypsy.
JC - Don't start, Ev.

John Craven & the Angels of Death perform regularly in the area.