BABYSHAM - EPISODE  1

The ACNC Broadcasting Globe spins, and Mr Chips flies around it in the opposite direction.

ANNOUNCER (VO)
You're watching ATV1. It's 9:15.
In a few moments, something is rotten
in the state of Sheffield as Guy Pearce
and Robbie Coltraine star in Babysham,
the new series from the makers of A New Soap.
But first, because you've all been so good,
some arty Czech animation for you.

[[SHORT INTRODUCTORY CZECH ANIMATION BEFORE OUR FEATURE PRESENTATION:

From black we see scratchy white and grey buildings emerging. A mouse (trying desperately to avoid obvious potential stylistic similarities with Maus), scurries about this emerging cityscape.

We see stylised versions of Sheffield landmarks about the place, but everything should seem spiky and oppressive and the animation style is dark, hairy and jerky.
The university arts tower erupts from the centre of this emerging city; its height exaggerated. The mouse is on top of it, somewhat nervous, before falling off, with blood spurting about the place as the art tower continues to rise.

As we pan around it we see a giant Babysham-like figure crawling up the building. Mice in bi-planes fire at him and he swats at them. He is climbing to the top when one of the swatted planes smashes into the side of the arts tower and the whole thing explodes.

There is debris and blood everywhere, and from the rubble rises a blooded but more powerful Babysham, who shakes off bits of mouse. His red laser eye twinkles in the moonlight. Thousands of mice are marching in Nazi masses about his feet; all very Nuremberg. Babysham mounts a series of steps up to the City Hall. The Hall is draped in red banners with pentogramatic mice inscribed in white circles half way down. 


Babysham enters the building and we crane up. The glass dome in the centre of the roof shatters as a beam of brilliant white light shines up into the dark sky.
Tickertape falls, and a host of mice bare signs that say "VOTE BLUNKETT" and "DUCHOVNY FOR PRESIDENT" and "ARTHUR MULLARD!" and other weird things. A mouse in a tank rolls along a street, knocking other mice and buildings down. A gunmouse comes past the camera turns towards us and growls. An MGM style border slaps over him (Mice Glorious Mice).

Black screen. Mock computer screen in similar animation style gives us a World in Action naked Babysham and a load of technical specs written in Czech.
John Hurt provides a voice over as the naked Babysham animates:

JOHN HURT (VO)
This is a story about an ordinary human.
When he was made, they found something wrong with him
and threw him away like a piece of rubbish into an old dark storeroom.
Then, from the United States, a spotty man brought him to life
with his cosmic dust. He took him to Microsoft,
where a group of techies gave him special powers.
That man became BABYSHAM,
The most unstable cyborg in the universe!

Through the above, the animation provides appropriate visuals as asides to the technical data. At the final line, the screen turns into a blue screen of death before exploding into a bright white shower of glass and whiteness. Mix:]]

1. - INT 1 - POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM - NIGHT

White (from lighting).
Zoom slowly to reveal:
Over-head shot of Babysham sat at a desk.
A light hangs in shot and bathes all around it in a fluorescent glow - It's one of those bar neon tubes dangling on chains see...
Babysham is wearing some sort of futuristic brown-bandaging kind of full shirt thing, over which is some leather strapwork - some sort of hi-tech gun-holstering. Around his eyes he is wearing heavy white bandaging, but the quality of light should make this equally likely to be an elaborate blindfold.
We zoom down onto him ever so gently, passing the light.
Throughout this sequence, we superimpose the opening credits, line by line:

[CAPS]

A/V Woman Productions
present
A Woody Burlman Picture
PARKWOOD SPRINGS
starring
Guy Pearce
as
BABYSHAM
Written and directed by
Steph Jesper
[END CAPS]

...and we get the following conversation between Babysham and an unseen detective called Marty (I say unseen - we'll slowly reveal him with the zoom).

BABYSHAM
(Guy Pearce)
Look, you've got it all wrong...

MARTY
(Neil Dudgeon)
Don't give me that pile o' horse shit.
Now we've had that thing tested out.

BABYSHAM
I don't suppose there's any chance of a drink is there...

MARTY
Shut your fucking face. I'm sick! Sick to
fucking death of having to go through this
bloody rigmarole every time with you!
How many times have we been in this
situation now? I'll tell you... Four. Four
times. Now you're either very careless
or very stupid. I'm not sure which....

BABYSHAM
I think it's a bit of both.

By now we've tilted to get a better view of the room and the detective. It's night. There's much shadow in here.
We can't see as far as the walls cos the lighting is really crap. We can make out a window in one wall behind the detective. Through it we can see that we are high over the environs of Snig Hill, Sheffield.
The detective is pacing and smoking.  He holds a gun wrapped in an evidence bag. It's a big hi-tech weapon.
Black. Maybe a few pointless LEDs on it for effect. Nothing too naff.

MARTY
I'm sick of the site of this, you know...

He slams it on the table and sits down opposite Babysham.

BABYSHAM
Hey. That's fragile.

MARTY
Now this gun...

BABYSHAM
Buffy.

MARTY
Your gun... lasered down three people.

BABYSHAM
You tested yeah?

MARTY
We've tested.

BABYSHAM
What's the point in that?
How many other people in
this city carry around a hi-tech
bore-projection plasma-cannon?

MARTY
I don't like to cut corners. I'd hate
to see you squirm out of this one.

BABYSHAM
Seems like an awful waste of money.
I could've told you it was my gun.
Is my lawyer here?

Shot of Alan sat in a dark corner of the room.

ALAN
(Hugh Hopper)
Hello.

BABYSHAM
Hello. Just checking. Can't see a thing here...

ALAN
<to Marty>
Are you going to press charges here?

MARTY
Well that depends on what pathetic
explanation Mr Babysham comes up with.

BABYSHAM
I'm sorry if my narrative style is unappealing.
Maybe I could liven it up a bit, do some silly
voices for you?

MARTY
Spare me the voices. Just tell me
why you shot them?

BABYSHAM
I didn't shoot anybody. I'm not
even clear on who got shot.
Did you get shot, Alan?

ALAN
No. I didn't get shot.

BABYSHAM
And I didn't get shot...
Who got shot?

ALAN
I think you should just tell them what
happened. I'm getting hungry.

BABYSHAM
Well this is a long story.
<to Marty>
Do you guys do sandwiches?

MARTY
Just talk. Ok.

BABYSHAM
Ok. Is that tape rolling?

ALAN
The tape's rolling.

BABYSHAM
Good. I'd hate to have to repeat myself.
Right well... um... it all began a week last Wednesday.
You'd released me after the Monsanto debacle
and I'd just got back to the office...

As he talks we move up to the window. The room is full of smoke from Marty's cigarette.
This is all the prettier for us as we zoom through the window to see the streets of Sheffield.

On the street-lit wet pavements walk all sorts of people. The Boardwalk is just turning out after a gig.
We crane about, defying gravity. Then we concentrate on the miner's face in the brickwork of that building down there.
Lights reflect across it as we hear busses going past, low in the soundmix.
We crane around and follow a bus, subtly mixing to a camera inside the ruined Corporation Buildings. The lights from the busses reflect on the windows of the building we are in.
As we pull back we reveal Babysham sat there in a swivel chair in what is evidently:

2. - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - WEDNESDAY NIGHT

Babysham's wearing his lengthy, sleeveless, grey, PVC jacket.

BABYSHAM (vo)
...I was tired. Being interviewed by you lot
is a pretty tiring experience. So there I sat
looking through the window, and dreaming
about getting into my nice warm bed.

As he says this we concentrate on his reflection in the office window.
Another bus can be heard going by. It's lights reveal deeper reflections in the window:
Namely we catch a glimpse of Tomy stood behind the desk. So does Babysham. He is startled by this and spins round on his chair.
Tomy is stood there at the other side of the desk.

BABYSHAM
I should really get a secretary...
You know, people usually knock.

TOMY
(Robbie Coltraine)
I want you to find my Letitia.

BABYSHAM
I'm sorry. I'm a private detective, not a doctor.

TOMY
That some kind of joke?

BABYSHAM
Some kind. Not a very good kind.

TOMY
Where is she?

BABYSHAM
I don't know. Maybe if you give me some
money I might be able to find out... Do you have money?

Tomy hands him an envelope. Babysham counts the contents.

BABYSHAM
For this sort of money I'd normally start looking
right away, but I'm really tired just now... Any
clues you can give me about this Letitia?

TOMY
I want you to find her.

BABYSHAM
I know.

TOMY
Come on then.

BABYSHAM
I'll look. Honest. Can you give me
something to go on? Something more
than a name...? Anything?

TOMY
She's my girl.

BABYSHAM
And where did you last see her?

TOMY
At Ralf's.

BABYSHAM
Ralf... Ok. Who's Ralf?

TOMY
Come an' I'll show you...

BABYSHAM
Could you not just tell me?

Tomy gives him some sort of big threatening stare - the stare of a man who is very large and muscular, but who has nothing in his head. Tomy is bigger than Babysham.

BABYSHAM
I had a feeling you might say that.

TOMY
Come.

BABYSHAM
Yes. Ok. I'll get my coat.

Which is a big, long, dark-brown trenchcoat thing. Babyshammed up. More armour-plated killing machine than PI.

3 - EXT 1 - ATTERCLIFFE - NIGHT

A neon light blinks "Ralf's".
Tomy and Babysham enter into:

4 - INT 3 - RALF'S - STAIRS - NIGHT

Looks very seedy. Seedy music plays from above.

BABYSHAM
So what did your girl do
here? Barmaid was she?

TOMY
No.

BABYSHAM
Dancer?

TOMY
No.

Babysham opens the door to:

5 - INT 4 - RALF'S - MAIN - NIGHT

A female topless mud-wrestling ring, complete with two female topless mud-wrestlers.

BABYSHAM
Classy.

He keeps an eye on the activities while heading to a bar, left, with Tomy. An unattractive, scantily clad woman serves.

BABYSHAM
Pernod and lemonade, please... and,
what do you want, Tomy?

TOMY
Where's Letitia?

BABYSHAM
Do you want a drink?

TOMY
I want Letitia.

BABYSHAM
Right.

A moustachioed, tubby man appears. The Manager:

MANAGER
(Steve Buscemi)
Excuse me...

TOMY
Where's my Letitia?

BABYSHAM
Ah. Do you know a Letitia. Fellow here
looking for a Letitia. Used to work here.

MANAGER
No-one called Letitia working here.

BABYSHAM
You hear him, Tomy... she's not here.

MANAGER
Excuse me sirs, but may I see
your membership cards?

BABYSHAM
Oh. Right. Sorry. We aren't members.
But that's alright, cos we're leaving
now, aren't we, Tomy?

Tomy has grabbed the manager by the lapels and is lifting him.

TOMY
Where's my Letitia?

MANAGER
Get this animal off of me.

Manager is slung into the mud bath.

BABYSHAM
Now why did you do that?

TOMY
My Letitia works here.

BARMAID
(no-one famous)
No one called Letitia works here.

BABYSHAM
Look, Tomy... you've been in
jail for eight years. Whiskys've
been made and drunk in that time...
Crap ones, admittedly, but that's
not the point... she's not working here
anymore. She's moved on...

TOMY
Where is she?

Barmaid shakes her head.

MANAGER
Get him out!

Babysham tosses some money on the bar and leaves, escorting Tomy out with him.

BABYSHAM (vo)
It was obvious that this Tomy was a brain-dead
sociopath. I told him to go home to bed, and I'd
ring him when I found her. First thing I did was
pop next door and ask around. Seems eight
years ago Ralf's was owned by one Ralf Mimmsell.
Guy drank himself into the local morgue, leaving
his wife to run the place. In the end she sold up
to the current owners. If this Tomy had a brain
he could've found Mrs M,  no worries,
without having to fork out for a private detective.
Praise the lord for stupid people...

Over this we see:

6 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - THURSDAY MORNING

Babysham, in his PVC jacket, sat on the bed, flicking through the phone book. Finger following... Only one Mimmsell. Attercliffe.
Shot of him leaving - door slams. Mix:

7 - EXT 2 - MIMMSELL RESIDENCE - THURSDAY c.11am

Babysham's gauntletted hand raps upon a door. Long shot to show a fairly ordinary house baring the number listed in the phone book.
CU again. Door cracks open. Fairly mad looking old woman peers through the gap.

BABYSHAM
Mrs Mimmsell? Phoned just now?

MRS M
(Liz Smith)
I don't talk without good reason.

Babysham produces a bottle of sherry.

MRS M
Yer a good boy. Won't you come
inside and make yourself at home?

BABYSHAM (prelap)
Did you ever employ anyone by the name of Letitia?

8 - INT 6 - MIMSELL LIVING ROOM - THURSDAY (NOON)

Babysham is sat on a small sofa next to Mrs M. She is drinking from the bottle and is quite merry. She is all over him. He is a little uncomfortable.

MRS M
Letitia? Let-is-ur.... Not ringing
any bells. What did she do?

BABYSHAM
Mud wrestled.

MRS M
Well they all came and went, dear.

BABYSHAM
This one was with you at least eight months.

MRS M
What was she like?

BABYSHAM
She looked like this.

He produces a photo.

MRS M
Ooh, let me see that. Ooh.
She's a looker. Rare thing...

BABYSHAM
Do you recognise her?

MRS M
Not so sure.

BABYSHAM
I really can't spare any more sherry.

Angle to reveal about six bottles stood at Mrs M's side of the settee.

MRS M
Why'd you be wanting to know?

BABYSHAM
Her boyfriend's trying to track her down.

MRS M
Can't've been much of a pair if he don't know where she is...

BABYSHAM
I don't think she disappeared of her own accord, Mrs M...

MRS M
Well I can't say as I recognise her.

BABYSHAM
You very sure?

MRS M
Yes.

BABYSHAM
If I said her car was outside, would you be surprised?

<beat>

MRS M
Her car's outside...

BABYSHAM
Would that surprise you?

MRS M
Is her car outside?

BABYSHAM
Would it surprise you if it was?

MRS M
Yes. It would.

BABYSHAM
I see...

MRS M
Well...

BABYSHAM
Hmm?

MRS M
Is it?

BABYSHAM
Is what?

MRS M
Is her car outside?

BABYSHAM
No. No. Just wondering how you'd react if it was.

MRS M
I see.

BABYSHAM
Saw it in a film. Seemed quite effective.

MRS M
Yes. Right. Well I suppose you'll have to be off soon...

BABYSHAM
Not really, no. You really don't remember her?

MRS M
Honest. Now I'm afraid, if you don't mind,
I've got some affairs to see to.

BABYSHAM
Do you need any help?

MRS M
No no. I can drink them on my own, thankyou.

BABYSHAM
Right. Certainly. Well I'll be off then.

MRS M
Yes. You do that.

At door:

BABYSHAM
Oh, and on the off chance that you do
suddenly find that you remember her,
give us a ring. My number's here...

He hands her a card.

MRS M
Yes. Of Course. Goodbye Mr... Sham.

BABYSHAM
Yes. Goodbye...

9 - EXT 2 - MIMMSELL GARDEN - THURSDAY CONT.

The door shuts. Babysham walks down the path. POV of Mrs M, who sees him off then returns inside.

10 - INT 6 - MIMMSELL LIVING ROOM - CONT.

Mrs M rifles through some files from a cupboard. She plucks some documents out and throws them on the fire. There is a knock at the door.

11 - EXT 2 - MIMMSELL DOOR - CONT.

Door cracks open and Mrs M appears. Reverse angle shows Babysham.
He punches the POVing camera. Reverse again to show Mrs M falling out of shot.

12 - INT 6 - MIMMSELL LIVING ROOM - CONT.

Babysham rushes in and puts his hand in the flames, rescuing the documents. It is painful.

BABYSHAM
waving the flaming papers about
Aw shit...

Shot of papers burning away (inc a photo of a wrestling Letitia).
Mix to same papers, or rather their carbonated fragments, in Babysham's mitts in:

13 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - THURSDAY AFTERNOON

He rotates them etc, trying to get some sense out of what little is left. He suddenly looks up at camera.

BABYSHAM
Can I help?

Wide angle showing that a man has entered the room. He is a foppish sort of fellow in an expensive coat.
He is played by Martin Clunes.
[...who is on ITV1 right now with a latex forehead. We pled with them. We said: look, we've had this lined up for months. And the screening dates are significant to the storyline. Can't you show the Tim Firth one this week? Do the Nye next week instead? They didn't even reply. I mean, we thought: Doc Martin, that's due in September, on a weekday, so we'll be safe with Saturday. But no. They've got two Clunes vehicles running at the same time. The weird fuckers. And now they've scheduled one of them against his guest star role in Babysham. Madness. It's the Clunes fans who lose out, of course. Oh well...]

MAYBURN
(Martin Clunes)
I er... yes...

BABYSHAM
Good. Does nobody knock around here?

MAYBURN
Sorry. Um...

BABYSHAM
Yes?

MAYBURN
How much do you charge for um... protection.

BABYSHAM
Protection? Like from bodily odours? What sort of protection?

MAYBURN
Body guard work...

BABYSHAM
What do you want a body guard for?

MAYBURN
In case somebody tries to kill me.

BABYSHAM
That likely to happen?

MAYBURN
I've gotten into a little trouble.

BABYSHAM
Oh? You aren't showing...

MAYBURN
I er... lost something that... um...

BABYSHAM
Is this going to take long, only
if it is I may as well get a coffee...

MAYBURN
No, no... um...

BABYSHAM
Someone stole some sensitive photos or something...

MAYBURN
Not photos...

BABYSHAM
Good... that's a start.

MAYBURN
But, yes... something of a sensitive nature.

BABYSHAM
So where do I come in?

MAYBURN
I've agreed to give them an amount of money,
in exchange for the... items in question...

BABYSHAM
Riight... good... ok... Still not seeing my role in this...

MAYBURN
It's rather a lot of money.

BABYSHAM
And you don't want them to cosh you out and nick the cash
without giving you your... whatever it is... first...

MAYBURN
That's pretty much it.

BABYSHAM
How many people we talking at the handover?

MAYBURN
Er... I'm not sure.

BABYSHAM
Riight. And how much money is involved?

MAYBURN
Um... Fifteen thousand pounds.

BABYSHAM
Shee... That's a lot of money... Must
be a very sensitive item indeed...

MAYBURN
Yes it is.

BABYSHAM
In that case, I'm thinking something like...
dum de dee... what time's the handover?

MAYBURN
Midnight.

BABYSHAM
Okaaay... and where? Do I want to know that?

MAYBURN
The old quarry behind the ski-centre...

Babysham mouths the end of this sentence as Mayburn says it, as if predicting the outcome.

BABYSHAM
Seven grand.

MAYBURN
Fifteen.

BABYSHAM
I was quoting my price.

MAYBURN
Seven thousand pounds?!

BABYSHAM
And that's cheap too. That's pity effecting me.

MAYBURN
I can't pay that!

BABYSHAM
Fine by me... I'm happy for the night in.

MAYBURN
How about five thousand?

BABYSHAM
I'll do six. Final offer.

MAYBURN
Very well.

They shake hands.

BABYSHAM
That was a cinch. What night is the exchange?

MAYBURN
Tonight.

BABYSHAM
No. No no... That's not how it works, Mr...

MAYBURN
Mayburn. Eugene Mayburn.

BABYSHAM
Mr Mayburn, I want you to know that I hate you with all of my heart,
and that tonight will cost you another £500 because you are so stupid.

MAYBURN
I see. Can't we say 250?

BABYSHAM
We can both say it, but you're paying me 500.

MAYBURN
Oh, ok...

BABYSHAM
Thankyou. Anything else you want to drop on me?

MAYBURN
I'm not supposed to take anyone with me.

<beat>

BABYSHAM
No. Well, of course not. No.
Well I'll wear my invisibility cloak.

MAYBURN
You have an invisibility cloak?

BABYSHAM
No. No... ok... I'm sure we can sort something out.
Do you have the money now?

MAYBURN
I'll have it tonight.

BABYSHAM
You better had, otherwise the whole thing is off,
and I'll kill you myself. I trust you have transport...?

MAYBURN
Yes.

BABYSHAM
Then pick me up here at... 10:30?

MAYBURN
That seems fine.

BABYSHAM
Good. And bring the money.

MAYBURN
Yes. Is that it then?

BABYSHAM
Yes. Yes it is.

MAYBURN
Thankyou, Mr Babysham.

BABYSHAM
Right.

Mayburn grins.

BABYSHAM
Fuck off then.

MAYBURN
Right... yes... bye... right.

He fucks off.
Babysham caresses his temples.
Wipe to:

14 - EXT 3 - FIELDS ABOVE SKI-CENTRE / OLD QUARRY - THURSDAY NIGHT

Establish, car driving across the hillside. It turns the corner and pulls up behind the closed ski-slope making eerie shadows with the play of the headlights on the fencing.
Two figures exit the car.
A ski-lift is running across the path. Chairs clatter along the chains overhead. All very eerie. Think the oil pumps in Touch of Evil.

Babysham surveys the scene and shakes his head. He leans onto the car, pulls some money from his inside pocket and counts.

BABYSHAM
Right, we have fifteen minutes. You think
you can handle yourself for that long?

MAYBURN
Oh, I think so.

Babysham puts the money back and gets up.

BABYSHAM
Good.

The two walk away from the car, down a quarried-out gulch made for an ambush.
Babysham surveys the area in a shot to himself. Then he turns and starts to pee against a nearby tree.

BABYSHAM
Right, so you stay here and I'll get myself hidden in a decent vantage sp...

Mayburn enters frame and coshes Babysham over the head with something heavy.

BABYSHAM
...Ow. That wasn't very...

He collapses into a heap on the floor.
Mayburn waves in front of him, then, satisfied Babysham's out cold, Mayburn steals the money from Babysham's pocket.
He gets in the car and drives off. Fade to black.

15 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - FRIDAY MORNING

Establish shot. Should be circa 9am.

16 - INT 2 - STAIRS AND BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.

Fade up on Babysham, tattered and bruised, and very muddy (white mud from a quarry), slowly making his way up-stairs.
He gets to his office door, pulls out his keys, and tries to apply the appropriate key in the door, only to find that the door has been left unlocked. Taking the key back in his hand, he enters the office.
We follow him and he takes his coat off, obscuring the view inside as he hangs it up on the hat-stand by the door.

BABYSHAM
Morning.

This is addressed to an attractive woman in a black and white leather outfit with straps and buckles in places where straps and buckles would not normally be. The outfit is a two piece suit of some kind, and despite its bondage overtones, it should not come across as overly kinky. If it seems out of place at all, it should only be because of the heavily stylised nature of the programme. The point is that this character, despite their attire, should not come across as a dominatrix queen but rather as a normal sort of woman, perhaps in the power-dressing mould. She has a black leather shoulder-bag.

JADE
(Pookie Quesnel)
Er... hi...

BABYSHAM
Coffee?

JADE
Um... please...

Babysham locks the door behind him.
As he moves aside, a shadow appears against the frosted glass, and someone approaches from the other side.
There is a knock. Babysham goes back to the door.

BABYSHAM
Please... take a seat.

Babysham unlocks the door and cranes his head through the opening.
A mature woman in a house-coat (we shall call her Barnie) is there. She seems anxious. Babysham grins at her.

BARNIE
(Pam Ferris)
Oh, You're there...

BABYSHAM
Yes.

BARNIE
Um... There was a young woman waiting
to meet you. I thought it best to let her in.

BABYSHAM
Yes. I've already found her.

BARNIE
Ok...

BABYSHAM
Thankyou, Mrs B...

BARNIE
Erm... About the rent...

BABYSHAM
Just got stolen.

BARNIE
Oh.

BABYSHAM
I'll sort it out with you later,
if that's alright, Mrs B.,
only I've got a strange woman
in my office and she's going cold...

BARNIE
Um...

BABYSHAM
Ok then. Byee...

He shuts and locks the door. The shadow remains for a moment before walking away.
The woman at the desk has taken a notepad and biro from her bag.

BABYSHAM
Take anything in it?

JADE
<realising he's talking to her>
In what?

BABYSHAM
Coffee.

JADE
Oh! Milk and sugar please.

Babysham plays with a kettle. It should be the same Rowenta kettle that was in A New Soap Episode I (0).
While the kettle boils, he picks up a dictaphone.

BABYSHAM
Things to do: Get locks changed.
Kill Barnie. Equal priority.

He puts it in a draw.

BABYSHAM
Hello. I'm Babysham. I work here.

He offers his hand to the woman.

JADE
Chris Joule, Sheffield Star.

She's about to shake his hand but he instead picks up a pen, which he then plays with.
He goes back to the kettle, which is shrilling on the verge of explosion.

BABYSHAM
Well, Ms Joule... How may I help you?

JADE
I'm doing a story on a guy called Eugene Mayburn.

BABYSHAM
Funny. He twatted me round the head
last night in an abandoned quarry,
and then ran off with the money he'd just given me.
Between you and me, I think he's unwell. In the head.

JADE
He's dead.

BABYSHAM
<unphased; handing her a handle-less mug of coffee>
Coffee. Sorry about the handle.
<Babysham drinks from the kettle>
So are you gonna tell me about him?
Huh? All the gory details?

JADE
They fished his corpse out of
the Don three hours ago.

BABYSHAM
Busy night he must've had.
Don't suppose he still had
my money on him, did he?

JADE
No.

BABYSHAM
Oh. Well never mind...
So what brings you here?

JADE
Trying to get the story from the
horse's mouth before you're arrested.

BABYSHAM
Sorry?

JADE
The police seem to think you killed him.

BABYSHAM
<looking through a back window>
Oh. Right. Fair enough. Well in that case
we've got another thirty minutes or so.

JADE
Ok. So... did you do it?

BABYSHAM
Am I going to get paid for this interview?

JADE
Sorry?

BABYSHAM
Money, for my life story...

JADE
Um. Yes.

She opens her bag. At which, Babysham leaps up, twists her arm back, rips the bag from her, and spills its contents on the desk.

JADE
Hey!

BABYSHAM
Who are you?

JADE
I told you.

BABYSHAM
Come off it, you're no journalist. You're about as...
<he's rumaging through her stuff>
um... make some metaphor up yourself.
Something about the... what's this?
Oh, one of those tampons... I mean no-one
uses pads these days. Note-pads, I mean...
Not... When I say note pads, I mean
paper things... Not a palm-top or anything....
Anyway... It was a bit of a give-away. You just gave
too much away... Good tr...Ah!...

He finds a credit card wallet in a purse. The woman struggles.
He lets go of her. She hits at him and tries to retrieve her card (a blue mid-'90s Midland Visa card) as he reads:

BABYSHAM
You're Jade Faraday. Hello Jade.

JADE
Give me that back!

BABYSHAM
Nah... Think I'll do some shopping...

Jade tries the door, which is locked.

BABYSHAM
I locked that.

Jade is scooping her things back into her bag.

BABYSHAM
What are you up to?

JADE
Putting my things back...

BABYSHAM
In a larger context...

JADE
I don't know what you mean...

BABYSHAM
The false name...? The you, here in my office, now...?
<beat>
Look. I'm not opening that door till I get some answers.

JADE
What happened last night?

BABYSHAM
I think you're not getting the whole
"question / answer" dichotomy.

She's packed her stuff away, bar the credit cards. Babysham has them and is now lounging in his chair, playing with the holograms.

BABYSHAM
Sit down, and reply to these statements.

She sits. Babysham flicks some buttons on a computer by his side. It comes to life, slowly. It sounds like a small nuclear reactor.

BABYSHAM
What is your name?

JADE
Jade Faraday.

BABYSHAM
Well done. Why are you here?

JADE
To find out if you killed Eugene Mayburn last night.

BABYSHAM
I didn't. Why do you want to know?

JADE
He owes me money.

BABYSHAM
That makes two of us. Why should I have killed him?
Aside from the obvious reasons...?

JADE
Just that you were the last person to see him...

BABYSHAM
Riight... And how do they know that?

JADE
Because it's a set-up.

BABYSHAM
What's a set-up?

JADE
They kill Mayburn, and then
leave a trail leading to you.

BABYSHAM
Can we clarify who _they_ are?

JADE
Jason Donovan, from Neighbours.

Babysham looks up from the holograms; a look of horror in his face. Beat.

BABYSHAM
I see. And how do _you_ fit into all of this?

JADE
I'm Mayburn's cousin.

BABYSHAM
A-huh. And how does Mayburn get involved?

JADE
Mayburn owed Jason Donovan money too...

BABYSHAM
Ok. So... Am I right with this picture?:
Jason Donovan is trying to frame me for murder.
So he kills off one of his debtors and tries to
pin it on me. And you're the debtor's cousin,
and you're here to make sure that your cousin's
real murderer doesn't get away with it, but first
you had to make sure that _I_ didn't
kill your cousin... Does that make sense?

JADE
That's the gist of it.

BABYSHAM
So do you believe I killed your cousin?

JADE
No.

BABYSHAM
You could just be saying that cos
I've got the door locked, and you
want to get out in one piece...

JADE
Yes.

BABYSHAM
To clarify: the police have found your
cousin's body and are on the way here
to pin the murder on me. And you may
or may not believe that I did it, but
it was probably Jason Donovan...

JADE
Yes.

BABYSHAM
Right. Come on...

He tosses her her cards, gets up, dons his tattered coat, grabs a big weapon (Buffy), and marches Jade to the door.
He shoots the lock out with the gun and kicks the door open. The two leave the shot.
We can see the computer monitor, which has a big flashing animated envelope saying "You've Got E-Mail!"
We keep watching and learn that this is just a start-up screen, as we get first a DOS command or two in its place,
and then a slowly emerging WIMP desktop. None of any of this on the monitor should be too obvious, and we fade as the desktop comes alive.
We don't get to see the wall-paper before the shot blacks out.

BABYSHAM (pre-lap)
Now, just so you understand,
you're my hostage now, and
if you try to run away
I will get very angry indeed.

17 - EXT 5 - PARADISE SQUARE AND ENVIRONS - FRIDAY, MID-MORNING

Babysham is walking briskly, arm in arm with Jade, who is struggling to keep up.

JADE
Why am I your hostage?

BABYSHAM
Because I don't know whether I can
trust you yet. People lie to me I get
all tetchy and insecure, you know?

JADE
Whatever.

BABYSHAM
I mean, what's he want to frame me for?

JADE
The murder of my cousin...

BABYSHAM
I've got a gun you know.

JADE
I'd noticed.

BABYSHAM
I mean why does Jason
Donovan want to frame ME?
I thought we were friends...

JADE
Maybe he's jealous of your success.

BABYSHAM
Why would he be jealous?
What's there to be jealous of?

JADE
Your success... Your
immense Hollywood success...?

BABYSHAM
I think you're a little confused, Jade...
Be careful of that; could get you into all sorts of trouble.

By now they are walking past the cathedral. A hand appears in shot and grabs Babysham's shoulder.
Babysham turns his head and we swap angles to reveal that it is Tomy.

BABYSHAM
Speaking of trouble...

TOMY
Letitia.

BABYSHAM
Jade actually. Jade Faraday.
Jade, meet Tomy. He's a client of mine.

JADE
Hello.

TOMY
Where's my Letitia?

BABYSHAM
<to Jade> He's very possessive.
<to Tomy> Tomy, look...

He wheels him aside.

BABYSHAM
You've caught us at a bad moment
to be perfectly honest with you.

TOMY
Letitia.

BABYSHAM
Yes. I'm just looking for her now as it happens...
And what with you going on about it, well,
it's slowing us down, you know?

TOMY
You're looking for her?

BABYSHAM
Yes.

TOMY
You've not found her yet?

BABYSHAM
No.

TOMY
That's fascist is that.

BABYSHAM
Yes. Quite possibly.

TOMY
It is.

BABYSHAM
Good. Well... If you could
just leave us to get on with it...

TOMY
I can help you.

BABYSHAM
I'm not sure you could...

TOMY
I know what she looks like.

BABYSHAM
Something, I suppose.
Look, there's really no need.
We've got it covered...
Haven't we, Jade?
Jade?

Jade has gone.

BABYSHAM
Now look what you've made me
gone and do... You've lost Letitia,
and I've lost Jade... And...
I bet Jade's found Letitia...

TOMY
Yeah?

BABYSHAM
Yeah. And so if weee fiind Jade...
We'll have found Letitia.

TOMY
Yeah!

BABYSHAM
So what we need to do is to
re-find Jade. Are you with me?

TOMY
A-Huh.

BABYSHAM
And we can find her quicker
if we both split up.

TOMY
Um...

BABYSHAM
Sure... See if you take an area...
say this paving slab...

TOMY
Yeah?

BABYSHAM
And you know that in that area is Jade,
who knows where Letitia is...

TOMY
Right...?

BABYSHAM
Then if we go around together,
covering all the area, it takes
<he zig-zags his foot along the area and counts:>
one, two, three, four, five, six.
Six seconds, see?

TOMY
Mm...

BABYSHAM
But if I do this half and you do that half...
Hang on, we'll do a slab on this wall instead...
Right:
<he traces the area with his gloved finger>
one two three four five six.
Six seconds if we do it together...

TOMY
That was the same as last time.

BABYSHAM
That's right. But now if we do it separately:
<he traces half the slab with one hand and the other with the other:>
one two three. Three seconds. Half the time.

TOMY
Ooh.

BABYSHAM
Yeah.

TOMY
So which half will you do?

BABYSHAM
<indicating West Street>
I'll do this half.

TOMY
I'll do the paving slab then.

BABYSHAM
Ok.

POLICEMAN
(Stephen Billington)
<appearing from behind them.
he's been in the shot for a while,
in the background and talking
into his walkie talkie.>
Babysham... I'm arresting you on suspicion of murder.

TOMY
You can't arrest him. He's got to search the big brick.

BABYSHAM
Yes. That's right.
If they arrest me,
we might never find Letitia.

TOMY
Or Jade.

BABYSHAM
Yes. So you see, officer,
arresting me would be bad.

POLICEMAN
You're going down, sonny.

BABYSHAM
If I go down, officer,
this fine upstanding citizen,
(that's you, Tomy), will never see
his Letitia again. Could you live with that?

POLICEMAN
I'm getting restless.

The policeman draws handcuffs and begins to restrain Babysham.

BABYSHAM
I'm sorry, Tomy...
I did my best.

Tomy headbutts the policeman, who falls to the ground.

BABYSHAM
Good work, Tomy.
Right, let's get moving.

He starts to drag Tomy.

TOMY
Together? What about the paving slabs?

BABYSHAM
Salright, I've done them.
Let's try over here.
Two heads are better than one.
Especially when one of them is yours.
And it can do things like that.
To people that get in our way.
Yeah.

They scarper.

Cut to:

18 - INT 7 - JASON DONOVAN'S HOUSE - FRIDAY MID-DAY

We're in a big mansion with a large black and white checked floor. Jason Donovan walks in through a patio door thing, semi-naked and all wet from swimming. He is towelling himself down. We hear a novelty door-bell play Every Day (I Love You More). Jason goes off to answer it, and opens the door to reveal Babysham & Tomy.

BABYSHAM
Hello? Is Jason in?

JASON
Speaking.

BABYSHAM
Hi. My name's Babysham.
<shows some ID>
This is my assistant, Tomy.
I was wondering if we might
have a word or too... inside?

JASON
Come on in.

The two enter.
Note that Babysham begins on a white tile and moves two steps forwards to the next white, and then diagonally to a white ahead of him. He continually moves across the white tiles in this way; either two straight and one diagonal or one diagonal and two straight.
He sits. Tomy stands next to him. Jason sits opposite. Babysham examines an ornament made from jade.

BABYSHAM
Now, Mr Donovan, I'd like to get
straight to the point... Have you been
trying to frame me recently for a murder
I did not commit?

JASON
No.

BABYSHAM
Didn't think so.

He puts the ornament down, gets up and begins to leave.

BABYSHAM
See you at ballet next week, Jace?

JASON
I don't know. Just pulled a muscle swimming.
It depends how I feel.

BABYSHAM
Ok...
Oh. Just one more thing.

JASON
Yes?

BABYSHAM
You don't happen to know a woman
called Jade Faraday do you?

JASON
Jade Faraday...
Jade Faraday...
As a matter of fact, I think I signed
an autograph for a Jade Faraday
back in 1989... yeah... tall girl. Dark hair.

BABYSHAM
That's the one.

JASON
Why?

BABYSHAM
Oh... just a little business I'm on.
I'll tell you about it some time...

JASON
Ok.

BABYSHAM
Give my love to Kylie.

JASON
Sure thing.

19 - EXT 6 - JASON DONOVAN'S COURTYARD - CONT.

The front door shuts. Babysham and Tomy are stood in a gravel courtyard. A statue of a cherub is feet away.

BABYSHAM
He's hiding something.

TOMY
Letitia?

BABYSHAM
No. Not Letitia.

TOMY
Jade?

BABYSHAM
Maybe... No. Something else.
Something irrelevant to the cases in hand.

TOMY
Oh.

Babysham pulls out a box of matches, and strikes one on the arse of the cherub statue. The cherub goes up in flames. The match doesn't, and Babysham puts it back.

BABYSHAM
Come on...

Tomy shrugs.

20 - EXT 7 - SHEFFIELD LIBRARY - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

TOMY
Is Letitia here?

BABYSHAM
Can't hurt to check, can it?

21 - INT 8 - SHEFFIELD LIBRARY - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

Babysham is in the crime fiction section.

TOMY
What are you looking for?

BABYSHAM
Raymond Chandler.

TOMY
Does he know where Letitia is?

BABYSHAM
Quite possibly.

TOMY
Oh.

BABYSHAM
Here we are!

Babysham pulls out "Farewell, My Lovely".

BABYSHAM
You see, it occurred to me that
all the events that have happened to me recently
bare a striking similarity to the plot of this book,
and so if we look in here, then maybe... just maybe...
we'll find Letitia.

TOMY
<unconvinced>
Right.

BABYSHAM
Long shot, I know. But I'm desperate.
Normally I just wait in one place and let
the baddies drag me round but it's not
happening today, despite my best intentions.
Ah.

He reaches the appropriate page, but it has been gobbed in and the saliva has made the print illegible.
He throws the book onto a returns trolley.

BABYSHAM
Well so much for that idea.

TOMY
What now?

BABYSHAM
<checks his watch>
Mm...

22 - EXT 8 - DEVONSHIRE CAT PH - FRIDAY AFTERNOON

We might see Babysham, Tomy and Alan through the window.

23 - INT 9 - DEV CAT - CONT.

They're sat at a table in the middle. Tomy has a Stella. Alan has some real ale. Babysham has his Pernod and lemonade.

ALAN
So this woman says that Jason Donovan
set you up, but you know he didn't, and
the police just think you killed him?

BABYSHAM
Yeah.

ALAN
Then we need to go and see the police.

BABYSHAM
Won't they just put me away?

ALAN
Well at the moment it looks like you're
on the run for killing this bloke, dunnit.

BABYSHAM
Well that's cos I'm trying to prove I didn't do it.
Do you never watch crime drama?

ALAN
Look, the police know you, don't they?

BABYSHAM
And that is why I'm screwed.

ALAN
We go to the police, you say "I didn't do it, guv",
they don't believe you for a bit, while we go find this
Jade woman. Better you being in the right and locked
up than deliberately evading custody like you are.

BABYSHAM
You're insane, you know that?
What are you on about?

TOMY
He can't get locked up.
He has to find Letitia.

BABYSHAM
He's right. I can't get locked up.
It's not in my idiom.

ALAN
Ok, but don't say I didn't advise you.

BABYSHAM
I won't.

ALAN
So in that case you need to find this Jade, I guess.

TOMY
Letitia.

ALAN
Yeah. And her too.

BABYSHAM
Yeah, but she's being all evasive.

ALAN
You checked the phone book?

BABYSHAM
Yees. Of course I've checked the phone book...

ALAN
Well then...

Babysham gets up.

BABYSHAM
Nature calls...

He goes down towards the toilets and makes a phone call. Some 118 number. The last three digits he dials very much deliberately at random (with his eyes shut).
Diagonal half-wipe to split screen:

[24 - INSERT: INT 10 - FINNISH CALL CENTRE - DUSK
A dark snowscape through a window. A Lapp called Bhuvana, in colourful woollens, sits at a trimphone. The phone rings. She picks it up.

BHUVANA
(Lauren Laverne)
<thick accent>
Hello. This is directory enquiries service.
Please specify the name and address of the person
you are requesting.

BABYSHAM
(ah.. shit.) Er... can you.. um.
If I tell you a name and a city, will that do?
Only I can't remember her address...

BHUVANA
Please specify the name and address
of the person you are requesting.

BABYSHAM
Please?

BHUVANA
Hello. This is directory enquiries service.

BABYSHAM
Is there no way I can bribe you?

BHUVANA
Please specify the...

BABYSHAM
Aw. Fuck it...

He hangs up.

BHUVANA
Thankyou very much for calling.
Please use our service again.

Split screen slides fully across to Lapland.
Our telephonist lights a fag and draws on it. She gets up from her table (which has a ring-binder and a ruler; no computer).
In Saami with English subs:

BHUVANA
Hey, Maati! That's another five euros
we've made! Three more enquiries
and we can buy that reindeer we've
always dreamed of.

She gets into a bed with Maati, an existentialist Lapp in colourfully knitted beret and stripy jumper. He smokes Gauloise and wears sunglasses. He is reading Sartre.
The following sequence is edited together with jump cuts.

MAATI
(Mark Heap)
Reindeer, reindeer, reindeer.
Always with you it is reindeer.
Can't you see beyond reindeer?
There's a whole world out there
and yet all you think of is fucking
reindeer. What about dreams?
Don't you ever think about leaving
this place? Maybe going to Paris?

BHUVANA
Paris can offer me nothing.
I have all I could ever need here.
A home, a fire, food, you, and
very soon our own reindeer.

MAATI
What if I were to move to Paris?

BHUVANA
It would destroy me.

MAATI
We destroy ourselves. We are
the engineers of our own destruction.
My actions in themselves would not
destroy you. Rather your destruction
would be self imposed.

BHUVANA
Go fuck off to Paris then.
And leave me to my reindeer.

MAATI
Would you not come with me?

BHUVANA
Paris is not the type of place to bring up reindeer.

MAATI
Then through my irrational attachment
to you I am bound here. Alas.
But mark you, our relationship
will inevitably become bitter with
resentment: me for your binding me here
and you because I could never give you
the reindeer you desired.

BHUVANA
Want a snowball fight?

MAATI
Ok.

End subs.]

They go out and have a snowball fight.
 

[TEASER:

NARRATOR (VO)
(John Cleese)
Next week on Babysham:

INT - POLICE OFFICES

Sc.7 intercut with one or two other dramatic shots from the next episode.

BABYSHAM
I've found your killer.

MARTY
For Mayburn?

BABYSHAM
Ahuh.

MARTY
Where is he?

INT - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE

BABYSHAM (post-lap)
Over in my office.

Babysham leads detectives into an empty office.

BABYSHAM
Ah...
Any of you guys got the number for Jonathan Creek?

END TEASER]

END THEME AND CREDITS;

The credits roll over a red curtain. From the left steps in Babysham in a penguin suit. He stands at the left of shot, just out of the line of the credits.

In Danish (with no subs), Babysham recites the lyrics to "Stand By Your Man". He ends with (also in Danish and unsubbed):

BABYSHAM
Crimes like these don't happen often,
so please, don't have nightmares. Do sleep well.

As he says this, he crosses his fingers and then makes a "respect"-style gesture.

He bows his beak and is then lowered out of shot.
We fade to grey.

NEXT EPISODE