[[ANIMATED TITLE SEQUENCE:
Black screen. Mock computer screen in scratchy
Eastern European style gives us a World in Action naked Babysham and a
load of technical specs written in Czech. John Hurt provides a voice
over:
JOHN HURT (VO)
This is a story about an ordinary human.
When he was made, they found something wrong
with him
and threw him away like a piece of rubbish
into an old dark storeroom.
Then, from the United States, a spotty man
brought him to life
with his cosmic dust. He took him to Microsoft,
where a group of techies gave him special
powers.
That man became BABYSHAM,
The most unstable cyborg in the universe!
Through the above, the animation provides appropriate visuals as asides to the technical data. At the final line, the screen turns into a blue screen of death before exploding into a bright white shower of glass. The sequence extends beyond that of Ep.1 as we roll back with some of the broken glass, which artily reconstitutes itself as the stained glass window of a suburban front door. Mix cleverly to:]]
1 - INT 11 - JADE'S HOUSE - FRIDAY EVENING
We look at the front door.
[CAPS]
Door bell chimes Big Ben.
[CAPS]
Jade enters shot. She is wearing something 50s and glamourous like people tend to, around the house.
[CAPS]
She opens the door on the chain.
[CAPS]
JADE
Oh. It's you.
[CAPS]
She makes to slam the door shut but a lightsabre beam comes through the crack and cuts the chain.
[CAPS]
Then Babysham and Tomy barge in.
[CAPS]
As they enter, we see Babysham spin a lightsabre handle away into his coat, but at no time do we actually see the full activated sabre, on account of the door.
BABYSHAM
I've come about the rent.
[CAPS]
Tomy blocks off any escape route.
[CAPS]
JADE
Sorry?
BABYSHAM
Nothing. Just a misjudged quip.
Have you bumped off any relatives lately?
JADE
No. You?
BABYSHAM
Nah. So you didn't kill Mayburn?
JADE
No.
BABYSHAM
And I didn't kill Mayburn.
And Tomy here didn't.
And nor did Jason Donovan.
So I'm kind of wondering...
well... I mean... who does that leave?
TOMY
Letitia?
BABYSHAM
Maybe. Was it Letitia?
JADE
Who's Letitia?
BABYSHAM
Oh... just somebody we're looking for.
You've not seen anybody called Letitia, have you?
JADE
No.
BABYSHAM
Thought it worth asking.
JADE
Right.
BABYSHAM
Mm.
So then...
Yes. I came here because I need to solve
the mystery of who killed your cousin.
Don't suppose you've got any evidence or owt?
JADE
No.
BABYSHAM
Perhaps I could persuade you
to answer some questions...
tell me a bit more about Mayburn?
Perhaps also we might sit down?
JADE
Come in then.
They head to the living room. Babysham sits and examines a jade ornament. Jade sits opposite. Tomy paces, like a goon.
BABYSHAM
Right then... so what did your cousin do?
For a living?
JADE
He traded in antiques.
BABYSHAM
I see. And why did he owe you money?
JADE
There was this box he wanted to buy
but he didn't have the money for it.
BABYSHAM
How much money?
JADE
About fifteen thousand.
BABYSHAM
That's quite an expensive box.
JADE
Yes.
BABYSHAM
And do you know why he owed
Jason Donovan money?
JADE
Jason had bought a statuette from him,
quite like the one you're holding now...
only it was a fake, and Jason found out.
BABYSHAM
A fake?
JADE
We've got a garage full if you want one.
BABYSHAM
I'll happily take one if you're giving them away.
JADE
Well Mayburn won't be selling them now.
BABYSHAM
But when I talked to you earlier,
you seemed to be under the impression
that either I or Jason had killed him.
JADE
Well you were the only two suspects I had.
BABYSHAM
Right. And remind me how you knew
about my contact with him.
JADE
He told me where he was going.
He always told me where he was going.
BABYSHAM
Useful. Now then... When Mr Mayburn came to me last night
he told me that he was meeting someone to buy back some materials
of a sensitive nature. Now my thinking is that, presuming he was
telling the truth, the people who killed him were the people who
stole
this stuff. Now would you perhaps be able to fill me in on who that
might be, and what this stuff was? Perhaps?
JADE
I don't know. Sorry.
BABYSHAM
But you knew he was going to see me?
JADE
Yes.
BABYSHAM
And you knew we were going to the quarry?
JADE
Yes.
BABYSHAM
Then what did you expect we were there for?
JADE
Well to be brutally honest,
I thought it was a sexual assignation.
BABYSHAM
On our first date? Not my style.
Oh. And so not my style.
He wiggles his eyebrows at Jade as if to hypnotically attract her.
She pulls a face.
Tomy is clumsily playing with ornaments. Ad lib.
JADE
I'm sorry. I just presumed...
...what with the outfit and...
BABYSHAM
Something else has been bothering me.
I mean, why would Mayburn give me money
and then steal it from me? Unless he was
an unwitting pawn in his own death...
JADE
Perhaps you were being set up.
BABYSHAM
I don't know. It just bugs me.
This box... Did he buy it in the end?
JADE
Yeah.
BABYSHAM
And what did he do with it?
JADE
Sold it, I imagine.
BABYSHAM
Well if he sold it, why not pay you back?
JADE
To pay off this bribe thing, I guess.
BABYSHAM
But you didn't know about that till now.
JADE
No.
BABYSHAM
Did your cousin have a car?
JADE
Yes.
BABYSHAM
Hmm. Hmm. Would it...
Would it surprise you if I told you
it was parked outside right now?
JADE
Yes. Because it's supposed to be
in the forensics lab after last night.
BABYSHAM
Right.
JADE
Is it outside?
BABYSHAM
No.
JADE
Right.
BABYSHAM
So, did your cousin have a house or anything?
Only I'm thinking, perhaps it'd be a good idea
for me to look there. Just a hunch, you know?
JADE
Yeah.
Tomy breaks something large and expensive looking.
Mix or wipe to:
2 - EXT 9 - MAYBURN'S ANTIQUES SHOP - FRIDAY EVENING
This should be a very olde worlde little place on a back street off
Eccleshall Road. Somewhere above the Porter Brook.
Establish.
3 - INT 12 - MAYBURN'S SHOP - CONT.
TOMY is stood in the corner, out of harm's way. BABYSHAM is pouring
over the stock book at a desk. JADE is sprawled out in a luxurious
chair.
BABYSHAM slams the book shut.
BABYSHAM
Nothing. No boxes.
Did he have an address book or owt?
JADE
He kept all his contacts in a diary.
And he kept his diary in his pocket.
BABYSHAM
No copy?
JADE
Not that I know of.
BABYSHAM
Doesn't he have a computer?
I'm a dab hand with computers.
JADE
He wasn't one for computers.
Unless they were made of brass.
BABYSHAM
Bugger it.
TOMY
Letitia.
BABYSHAM
Don't worry. I've not forgotten her.
But one thing at a time ok.
TOMY
No. Letitia.
He points.
We follow.
He is pointing out a mannequin dressed in an elaborate kimono, a jade
necklace and some scarfage or other.
JADE
I think you'll find that's a mannequin, Tomy.
BABYSHAM
It's not a real lady.
TOMY
It's Letitia.
BABYSHAM
In what way is it Letitia?
Tomy heads off towards the mannequin, but passes it (perhaps knocking into it slightly) and picks up a small framed black and white photograph of Letitia which is among various framed items on top of a large commode.
BABYSHAM
By 'eck. He's right.
Hey' I hope this isn't going to turn
into some sort of Dickens affair.
TOMY
Letitia.
BABYSHAM
Yes. May I?
He struggles to take the photo from Tomy.
BABYSHAM
Thankyou.
He cracks the glass-fronted frame against the counter, much to
Tomy's
distress.
Then he pulls the photo out and reads the obligatory dedication on
the back (scrawled blue ink):
To Eugene,
with all my love on our anniversary,
your darling Letitia.
JADE
What?!
BABYSHAM
Tomy... erm... You didn't happen to
know Eugene Mayburn did you?
TOMY
Eugene who?
BABYSHAM
Eugene Mayburn. The fella whose shop this is.
TOMY
Letitia's husband?
BABYSHAM
A-huh.
TOMY
Of course I did.
BABYSHAM
Right. Only you hadn't mentioned him before.
TOMY
No?
BABYSHAM
No. In fact, you never actually mentioned she was married.
TOMY
I never thought.
BABYSHAM
Why doesn't that surprise me.
Now, Tomy... I'm going to ask you
a question now and I don't want you to
take it the wrong way, but did you, by any
chance... did you er... happen to kill
Eugene Mayburn last night?
TOMY
A little bit. Yes.
Babysham looks at Jade; looks at the floor; looks at Tomy; rubs his nose bone.
BABYSHAM
Right. Er... You do know that
killing people is naughty, don't you?
TOMY
That's why I didn't tell anybody.
BABYSHAM
No. Right. Ok. Jade?
JADE
Yes.
BABYSHAM
How long had your cousin been married?
JADE
Its all news to me.
BABYSHAM
Right.
JADE
I mean... he was queer.
BABYSHAM
Yes. Tomy?
TOMY
Yes?
BABYSHAM
We need to go back to my office to sort something out, ok?
TOMY
Is Letitia there?
BABYSHAM
Very probably at this rate. Come on.
They leave. As they do, Letitia appears from out of the commode. She wears the same clothes as the dummy, and is played by Amelia Bullmore.
4 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - FRIDAY NIGHT
5 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.
The three enter the office, with Babysham locking the door and pocketing his keys. He walks straight across the room and to the back window. He signals out of the window for someone to slide something. Then he turns to Jade and Tomy.
BABYSHAM
Wait there. Back in a mo.
Babysham climbs out of the window.
6 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.
He walks across a grassy flat section of roof and then leaps off the building...
7 - INT 13 - POLICE OFFICES - CONT.
...and into the offices of the police station next door; modest
office
space with police at computers. No-one batters an eyelid.
The desk nearest the window is occupied by a blonde police woman called
Helen.
HELEN
(Rachel Friend)
Nice of you to pop by.
You're expected.
BABYSHAM
Righto.
He enters the office from the opening sequence, wherein Marty is sat at the desk.
MARTY
About time.
BABYSHAM
I've found your killer.
MARTY
For Mayburn?
BABYSHAM
Ahuh.
MARTY
Ah good. Not you then, I take it?
BABYSHAM
Alas no.
MARTY
Oh well. Where is he?
BABYSHAM
Over in my office.
They make to leave.
Marty shouts to some other cops:
MARTY
Moody. Spillaine. Come on.
Spillaine is played by Darrell D'Silva.
Moody is played by Andy Rashleigh.
8 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE, LOBBY SIDE - NIGHT
Babysham puts the key in the door.
BABYSHAM
Through here.
The detectives follow.
BABYSHAM
Ah.
Jade and Tomy aren't there.
BABYSHAM
Any of you guys got the number for Jonathan Creek?
9 - INT 1 - POLICE INTERVIEW ROOM OFFICE THING - NIGHT
Shot from above as per scene one. Detective is pacing. Alan is in the corner.
BABYSHAM
Look, you've got it all wrong...
MARTY
Don't give me that pile o' horse shit.
Now we've had that thing tested out.
BABYSHAM
I don't suppose there's any chance of a drink is there...
MARTY
Shut your fucking face. I'm sick! Sick to
fucking death of having to go through this
bloody rigmarole every time with you!
How many times have we been in this
situation now? I'll tell you... Three. Three
times. Now you're either very careless
or very stupid. I'm not sure which....
BABYSHAM
I think it's a bit of both.
MARTY
I'm sick of the site of this, you know...
He slams the gun on the table and sits down opposite Babysham.
BABYSHAM
Hey. That's fragile.
MARTY
Now this gun...
BABYSHAM
Buffy.
MARTY
Your gun... lasered down three people.
BABYSHAM
You tested yeah?
MARTY
We've tested.
BABYSHAM
What's the point in that?
How many other people in
this city carry around a hi-tech
bore-projection plasma-cannon?
MARTY
I don't like to cut corners. I'd hate
to see you squirm out of this one.
BABYSHAM
Seems like an awful waste of money.
I could've told you it was my gun.
ALAN
<to Marty>
Are you going to press charges here?
MARTY
Well that depends on what pathetic
explanation Mr Babysham comes up with.
BABYSHAM
I'm sorry if my narrative style is unappealing.
Maybe I could liven it up a bit, do some silly
voices for you?
MARTY
Spare me the voices. Just tell me
why you shot him?
BABYSHAM
Mayburn, you mean?
Look, I told you, I didn't kill Mayburn.
Tomy Hodgekinson did it.
MARTY
This is the fella you locked in your office, right?
BABYSHAM
Yes.
MARTY
Then where is he now?
BABYSHAM
I didn't make that Jonathan Creek quip for nothing, Marty.
You know as much as I do. I would imagine... and this is a
mad stab in the dark, I know... but I would imagine that
perhaps he escaped, you know?
MARTY
Convenient for you, isn't it?
BABYSHAM
Not really, no. Cos now I'm stuck here, aren't I.
Don't call that too convenient myself.
Do you guys do sandwiches?
Cut to:
10 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE, LOBBY SIDE - SATURDAY AFTERNOON
Alan mooches around the stairwell in the company of various police, Marty and Babysham. Alan is studying the doorframe and looking intelligent. He is wearing a dufflecoat. The three principal actors in this scene are chewing on baguettes.
MARTY
I can't help feeling this is all a waste of time.
BABYSHAM
Trust me. I'm sure Alan will be able to sort this out.
Isn't that right, Alan.
ALAN
(distractedly; thoughtfully)
Mm...
BABYSHAM
I've had him reading his Sherlock Holmes books.
Got them cheap off of Readers Digest.
They're condensed, like... But I'm sure the gist's there.
They move into the office. Alan starts peering at windows, flicking about at blinds...
BABYSHAM
You see, they couldn't've gone out the window
without someone in the station noticing,
and they couldn't get out the door cos it was locked,
and there's only me and Barnie with keys...
...just a moment.
He pulls open one of the drawers of a filing cabinet (with a pot plant on it like the hair of Sideshow Bob) and pulls out a Lego telephone. He pulls the handset to his ear and punches at the buttons. As he waits to be put through, he struggles to rearrange the cord.
Telephone wipe diagonal split-screen:
[11 - INSERT: INT 13 - EDWARDIAN HALLWAY - DAY
An Edwardian telephone rings away on an Edwardian side-table.
(Bottom
right of screen).
An immaculately manicured female hand reaches in and picks up the
handset.
Cut to wider shot, left angle, to reveal, in glamourous, vampish, late
Edwardian fashion (think Charlotte Rampling in Wings of the Dove)
complete
with blue and red woolly hat:
BHUVANA
Hello. This is call waiting service. Miss Barnie
is not available right now to take your call,
but if you would like to leave a message, you can
and I will endeavour to pass it on to her when
she becomes more available.
BABYSHAM
Hi, it's Babysham. I'm wondering if Barnie might've been
round to my office at all recently, and... let someone in or out...
BHUVANA
I shall pass your request on to Miss Barnie
although if I may be so bold, I should perhaps
mention that Miss Barnie has been in Finland
for the last twenty hours, if that is at all helpful.
Bhuvana toys with a loose lock of hair that hangs from the hat.
BABYSHAM
Yes. Yes it is. Did she take
her keys with her, do you know?
BHUVANA
Could you describe her keys?
She rummages through a draw full of keys in the table.
BABYSHAM
No.
BHUVANA
Oh. Just one moment.
She puts the phone on the side, and we wipe fully open, and turn to watch as she walks away from us down the corridor, to a door at the far end.
12 - EXT 10 - LAPLAND SEMI - DAY
A windowed back-door to an ordinary kitchen, through which we see Bhuvana. She opens the door and steps out onto a snow-covered patio. We pull out and track back to reveal Barnie on a sunbed to the left of shot. She wears a kimono, turban and Jackie O sunglasses. There's a garden-furniture standard-issue angle-poise parasol behind her, covered in snow.
BHUVANA
Madam, sorry for disturbing you,
but could you describe for me the keys
you have for Mr Babysham's office?
Barnie raises her sunglasses and turns to Bhuvana.
BARNIE
They've got a panda on the key-ring.
Now leave me be, you little witch.
She sips from a cocktail, replaces her glasses and goes back to her
meditation.
Bhuvana curtseys.
13 - INT 13 - EDWARDIAN HALLWAY - DAY
Back to the shot of the phone. The hand comes in and picks up. The screen wipes again, such that Babysham now appears in the bottom right. He is watching Alan mooch.
BHUVANA
Hello?
She rummages through the draw.
BABYSHAM
Oh. Hi?
She pulls out the panda. "BabyS" is written on in tip-ex.
BHUVANA
Miss Barnie has her keys with her.
BABYSHAM
Oh. Thankyou.
BHUVANA
It was my pleasure, sir.
BABYSHAM
You've been very helpful. Be sure to tell her I said that, won't
you.
BHUVANA
As you like, sir.
BABYSHAM
And thank her for fixing the lock on the door.
Tell her I'm sorry about that and she can put it on next month's
rent.
BHUVANA
Very good, sir. Will that be all, sir?
BABYSHAM
Yes, sir.
INSERT ENDS]
Wipe back to Babysham. He locks the phone away. He returns to his position prior to this diversion.
BABYSHAM
And she and her keys are in Finland. So...
Alan seems to have found something important. A tiny hole drilled through one of the leg's of a table in the corner. A trail of cotton is threaded through. It hangs limply, with water dripping from it. Alan fingers the cotton and sniffs his fingers.... licks his fingers.
BABYSHAM
You found something tasty, Alan?
Not as nice as Bobby's sandwiches, surely?
ALAN
No. Just a bit of cotton. I'm sure it's nothing.
BABYSHAM
You don't think they used the cotton
to steal my keys and later replace them?
ALAN
And how'd they do that?
MARTY
Bit of cotton on the keys.
When Babysham jumps across,
the key snags out of his pocket
and the two of them let themselves out.
BABYSHAM
Then they slip the key back in my pocket
as I come back along the street.
ALAN
Wouldn't the police notice?
MARTY
Fair point.
Well they might've dropped the key
into his pocket from the window.
ALAN
Then they'd still need to be up here.
No... Something doesn't add up.
I just can't put my finger on it...
Babysham looks about for inspiration.
ALAN
Something about the way they just...
...disappeared out of a locked room like that.
Doesn't that strike you as just a little bit...
...peculiar. As if... as if...
BABYSHAM
Maybe they got sucked into the computer.
No... It wasn't switched on. It's gotta be
something like that though, annit...
MARTY
With you that wouldn't surprise me.
ALAN
There's something we're not quite seeing.
Look... I've got an idea....
If only we could recreate what happened...
(to Marty:)
Perhaps, if you were to jump over there
to the police station with Babysham's key,
then come back and check up on us...
Then we might work it out.
Leave the police out there in the lobby of course,
so we don't escape.
MARTY
Worth a try, I suppose, but I'm not jumping
over there. Spillaine?
SPILLAINE
Boss?
MARTY
I want you to lock this door from the inside
and then jump over to the police station
and get the girls to keep an eye on things
while you run back round here with the keys.
SPILLAINE
Boss.
Babysham hands Spillaine the keys, and Marty heads out into the
hall.
Spillaine locks the door, then goes over to the window.
14 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.
Spillaine climbs out of the window, walks across the roof and looks
tentatively at the leap.
Babysham signals to the police station from the office window, and
the station window is opened.
BABYSHAM
The trick is to be confident.
The rest is just gravity.
Go on...
Spillaine takes a run-up and dives across. He makes the window at the other side, but loses his footing and slips out. The women help him in. He is consequently distracted from watching.
15 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.
BABYSHAM
Now what?
Alan "shh"s Babysham and points over towards the left near side, behind shot. The camera tracks and pulls out to reveal, behind a mass of potted plants that've been making up the backdrop, a store-cupboard.
The two tiptoe through the foliage and get into the cupboard.
BABYSHAM (pre-lap)
Didn't we check this?
16 - INT 14 - DARK CUPBOARD - CONT.
It is just big enough for four people.
Jade puts her hand over Babysham's mouth.
JADE
(whispered)
No. You didn't.
Babysham slaps her hand away and shakes his head.
17 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.
Nothing much happening,
Intercut between the two.
Tomy farts slightly, to the distress of the others.
JADE
He's been doing that since we got in here.
BABYSHAM
Why are you in here?
JADE
Shut up.
Eventually, after an appropriate period, the office door is unlocked
and the police enter.
Marty looks about. Realising, he flings his arms and sighs:
MARTY
Shit.
Police are baffled.
Alan contorts his way under Jade's legs, purposefully. Jade is visibly annoyed, and Babysham wants to ask questions but can't.
ALAN
(very quiet like)
A-ha!
A trapdoor opens in the bottom corner of the cupboard, and MORTEN HARKET appears. Alan grabs Morten, gagging him, and struggles to push him back down the hole.
The police hear the scuffling and follow in that general direction.
Alan forces Morten down, following him head-first.
The police begin to make their way through the foliage to the door.
Alan reappears in the hole and beckons the others to follow.
The police stand by the door as Marty strides up purposefully. Reverse angle from inside as Marty opens the door. POV as the trapdoor rattles; the room empty. Reverse to show the anger on Marty's face.
18 - INT 15 - THE RIVER SHEAF - SATURDAY AFTERNOON
We are in a dark tunnel lit with four fiery torches. The floor is river, a few feet deep. From an angled shaft above slide Morten and our heroes, splashing down into the water.
JADE
What the fuck?
BABYSHAM
Ooh. I'd forgotten about this.
JADE
Where are we?
BABYSHAM
The River Sheaf... It runs under the city.
God. These torches are good value for money aren't they...
MORTEN
I have maintained the torches.
BABYSHAM
Oh. Thanks.
ALAN
Are you living down here?
MORTEN
Yes.
BABYSHAM
Oh.
Why?
MORTEN
It is like a home to me.
BABYSHAM
Shouldn't he pay me rent?
ALAN
I expect so.
MORTEN
No. I am a squitter.
BABYSHAM
A squitter?
MORTEN
That is so.
JADE
Shouldn't we be moving before the police find us?
BABYSHAM
Good point. Come on.
There should be a boat here somewhere.
They wade right, taking a torch each, except for Tomy who is torchless.
MORTEN
You summoned me, master.
ALAN
Yes, sorry about that.
MORTEN
Do you wish me to sing?
BABYSHAM
I think we should be quiet so as to confuse the police.
<beat>
ALAN
It's like the Third Man, innit.
BABYSHAM
No.
ALAN
Oh.
MORTEN
I could play a zither.
BABYSHAM
No thankyou.
JADE
I'm getting wet, and this is wool.
BABYSHAM
I have a thing about wet wool.
JADE
I don't. It weighs a ton.
BABYSHAM
You could always take it off.
JADE
Where's this boat?
A dinghy is tethered up in the distance.
ALAN
Here.
JADE
Why do you keep it so far from the trapdoor?
BABYSHAM
There's a mooring ring here.
TOMY
Where are we?
BABYSHAM
I told you already.
TOMY
Oh.
ALAN
Come on. Get in.
They struggle into the dinghy as we hear splashes and distant echoey cries of dismay from downstream.
JADE
They're in the water already.
BABYSHAM
Let's get moving.
Moodily lit, the five sail their dinghy upstream.
A-Ha do an instrumental rendition of Phantom of the Opera (with
mandolins),
over, which tones down as we reach a junction in the water.
ALAN
Which way?
BABYSHAM
I think we should split up.
JADE
What?
BABYSHAM
(winking to her)
It's safer that way.
Tomy, if you go straight on,
and we'll all go this way...
TOMY
I go straight on?
Do I get the boat?
BABYSHAM
No. But we'll let you have a flaming torch.
TOMY
Oh wow. Go on then.
Jade hands Tomy her torch.
ALAN
Keep it away from the dinghy...
Which Tomy sees as his cue to torch the dinghy, which pops.
BABYSHAM
Oh for crying out loud!
Just go. Go on.... Go...
Much pathos as Tomy sheepishly heads away. Occasionally he turns, checking he's doing right.
BABYSHAM
Go... Shoo.
He splashes out of sight.
JADE
Aw...
BABYSHAM
Aw? Aw?!
ALAN
Come on. They're catching up.
JADE
Fucking hell...
They splash up the Porter Brook. Montage chase sequence a la Carol Reed.
After a bit of that, Alan finds a concealed drainage tunnel, and they scurry up. Ad lib.
19 - INT 12 - MAYBURN'S SHOP - CONT.
The commode opens and out flop Alan, Babysham, Jade and Morten; all wet and carrying flaming torches (except Jade who has no torch, but is wetter to compensate).
BABYSHAM
Oh. What a coincidence.
He looks above him, accusingly.
LETITIA
What took ya?
She is laid out in a glamourous pose on a cussion-laden harpsichord.
She is addressing a snow globe which she is gymnastically manipulating
around her arm.
Amanda gives it the full Fanella Fielding.
BABYSHAM
Letitia. Great. Why did we have to lose Tomy?
TOMY appears from behind a Welsh dresser.
BABYSHAM
Oh. Hello.
TOMY
Fucking fascists.
Letitia strokes Tomy's arm. He comes over to her and sits in front of her like a pet. She strokes him some more and he makes catty facial stretches of appreciation.
LETITIA
Rover here tells me you've not been very nice to him.
I do hope that's not true.
BABYSHAM
We've been lovely to him.
He smiles facetiously at Tomy, who growls back.
LETITIA
Rover thinks differently. How many biscuits did you give him?
BABYSHAM
Biscuits were never in the contract.
I offered him a drink once, but he wasn't interested.
LETITIA
Rover loves his biscuits, don't you, Rover?
She stylishly feeds him one of those fancy round bourbon things you get in boxes of biscuits.
TOMY
Woof.
ALAN
Oh christ...
LETITIA
You.
ALAN
Me?
LETITIA
Fetch me my coat.
ALAN
Where is it?
Letitia points to the dummy which is now wearing a stylish noirish black wool coat with massive cap sleeves. Alan passes his torch to Jade and fetches the coat to Letitia, who is now stood. Letitia strokes him and gives him a biscuit. Alan looks at her with puppy eyes.
BABYSHAM
Alan. Heel!
Alan reluctantly returns to his friends. There is noise from within the commode. Jade shoves a gothic candlestick through the handles.
LETITIA
Time to take this some place else, I think. Come on.
She leads them off.
LETITIA
Rover. Stay!
Tomy stays in the shop, and the door shuts on him. He howls and the commode door rattles like mad. The candlestick should look ready to fall as we make the cut.
20 - EXT 9 - MAYBURN'S ANTIQUES SHOP - SATURDAY AFTERNOON
Letitia steps into a little black Morgan two-seater. Babysham takes the other seat, passing his torch to Alan. Alan passes the torch to Morten who takes Jade's torch too. Morten is now heavily laden with flaming torches (well three).
Letitia drives off with Babysham, leaving the other three stood in the road. Alan and Jade look at each other and then walk to the nearest bus stop.
21 - EXT 11 - LETITIA'S MORGAN - AFTERNOON
They're going very fast up Rustlings Road, and Letitia handbrake slams around the hairpin junction with Oakbrook Road, passing a bus in the process.
BABYSHAM
Where are we going?
LETITIA
Where do you want to go?
They zoom across Riverdale Road and up a lane towards Fulwood Road. Babysham has his hands over his eyes and is peering through his fingers.
BABYSHAM
Somewhere less scary would be good.
Do we have to go this fast?
LETITIA
What's wrong with you? You scared of a bit of wind?
BABYSHAM
Yes.
Babysham studies the bodywork. He is concerned.
BABYSHAM
Is this wood?
Letitia smiles.
22 - EXT 12 - BUS STOP - AFTERNOON
A bus pulls up obscuring Jade, Alan and Morten. Reverse angle as they get on board. Jade and Alan pay and sit. The driver, CHRIS (Christian Slater) raises his hand to Morten and the flaming torches. He shakes his head.
23 - INT 16 - BUS - CONT
Morten looks dejected. He steps back onto the pavement. The doors shut.
24 - EXT 12 - BUS STOP - CONT
The bus drives away revealing Morten, all sad and alone and clutching his flaming torches. After a moment, he turns and slowly shuffles back along the pavement, left (ie the opposite direction to the bus). He kicks a stone and coughs at the smoke from the torches.
25 - EXT - 11 - LETITIA'S MORGAN - AFTERNOON
The car speeds past a town sign that reads "Carsick". It blasts across Manchester Road and causes a pile-up in its wake. It plummets down Hagg Lane.
BABYSHAM
Why do you hate me?!
LETITIA
Oh, darling, I don't hate you.
BABYSHAM
No?
LETITIA
If I hated you you'd be dead by now.
BABYSHAM
I think I'm dead already.
LETITIA
Oh, don't quibble over details.
They bomb down Hagg Hill.
BABYSHAM
Please slow down.
LETITIA
No.
BABYSHAM
Pretty please...
LETITIA
Really, dear. Let your hair down. Enjoy yourself.
BABYSHAM
I'd enjoy myself more if you went a bit slower.
They create another mess of cars on Rivelin Valley Road. They zoom towards Malinbridge. Babysham looks back and cringes.
BABYSHAM
I thought we were trying to escape the police.
LETITIA
We are.
BABYSHAM
Well is this really the best way to do it?
LETITIA
(not looking at the road)
You've no sense of adventure, have you?
BABYSHAM
Only a thin sense of self preservation.
Please get off the tramlines.
LETITIA
Sorry?
BABYSHAM
Please get off the tramlines!
She's driving along the tramlines on Holme Lane. She whips off out of the path of an oncoming tram which is ringing its little bell.
BABYSHAM
This isn't funny.
Letitia laughs.
BABYHAM
What do you want, anyway?
LETITIA
What do I want?
BABYSHAM
Yes. Perhaps we could discuss that.
LETITIA
Ok. Sure. We can discuss that. If you want.
BABYSHAM
Yes. That would be useful, I think.
Let's discuss what you want.
Another near miss as they buzz over Penistone Road.
BABYSHAM
Perhaps somewhere a little... less scary?
The car leaps over the bridge between Livesy Street and Club Mill Road. It screeches to a halt and spins 270 degrees.
LETITIA
Ok. If that's what you want. Have it your way.
Babysham staggers out of the car, unable to walk straight or upright.
26 - EXT 13 - WARD'S END CEMETERY - DUSK, SATURDAY
Letitia leads Babysham through the gates of the cemetery. She sweeps gracefully while he staggers over the wreckage of broken pipes and piles of earth. A little further along the drive, Babysham gets an idea as to where he is, and we see bits of gravestone sticking up about the place.
BABYSHAM
Oh great. Yes. This is less scary. Much less.
What is wrong with you?
LETITIA
You're not afraid of a few grave stones, surely.
A man like you?
BABYSHAM
What are we here for?
LETITIA
You wanted to talk. Let's talk.
They walk slowly past rows of victorian gravestones as far as the eye can see. It's dark and a little eerie.
BABYSHAM
Ok. What's going on?
LETITIA
What do you mean?
BABYSHAM
Eugene Mayburn.
LETITIA
My darling husband?
BABYSHAM
Your darling dead husband.
LETITIA
Yes. Rover can get so possessive.
But isn't he just adorable.
BABYSHAM
No. So Tomy killed Eugene.
LETITIA
As I understand it.
BABYSHAM
Totally off his own bat.
LETITIA
Well I might have expressed a certain fancy,
but... some people can be so impressionable, can't they...
BABYSHAM
Why was Eugene, a committed homosexual, married to you?
LETITIA
It's not unheard of, you know.
BABYSHAM
Yes. I know. But there's always a reason for anything.
LETITIA
It was an arrangement of convenience.
He needed a wife in order to be accepted by his society.
I was in it for the financial gains. End of story.
BABYSHAM
His society?
LETITIA
The Mouseman's Guild. It's a secret
fraternity of antique professionals.
BABYSHAM
Yes. I'm familiar with it.
LETITIA
You are?
BABYSHAM
No. But it's something I always say
to make me sound more knowledgeable.
Now on the night that he died,
Eugene was supposed to be meeting some people
to buy back some sensitive material of some kind.
Or at least that's what he told me.
You wouldn't happen to know what he was talking about at all?
LETITIA
In the days before his death, Eugene was very irritable.
More so than usual. But he never spoke about what was on his mind.
BABYSHAM
Right. So that's a no then?
LETITIA
I had no notion of any blackmail.
BABYSHAM
What about a box? Do you have a notion about a box?
Apparently he'd bought some sort of box. Might be nothing.
Probably is. But, you know... just curious.
LETITIA
My husband was an antiques dealer. He bought a lot of boxes.
BABYSHAM
Yes. But this was quite a pricey one.
He had to borrow money for it.
LETITIA
Why would Eugene need to borrow money?
He was loaded.
BABYSHAM
I don't think he was.
LETITIA
He was filthy rich. Why do you suppose I married him?
BABYSHAM
Happen you bled him dry with your taste for the expensive.
LETITIA
You don't understand...
I kept a keen eye on his accounts.
If he'd've fallen below half a million I'd've been out like a shot,
believe me.
BABYSHAM
Well maybe that's why he needed to borrow money;
to keep above half a million.
LETITIA
He never got close. How much is he meant to have borrowed?
BABYSHAM
Fifteen grand.
LETITIA
He was comfortably over the million mark.
BABYSHAM
You say you checked his accounts.
Maybe he just wanted some money you didn't know about.
LETITIA
It's possible I suppose.
BABYSHAM
Did he ever buy you a box as a present ever?
LETITIA
No.
They're making their way through woodland, with overgrown graves all about them.
BABYSHAM
You know, the amount he had with him
the night he died was fifteen thousand too.
Tell me... and here's the real hum-dinger...
Do you have any idea why your husband would want to
hire me as protection, take me to an abandoned quarry
and then knock me out with a shovel?
LETITIA
None whatsoever.
BABYSHAM
No. Me neither. That one's been really bugging me.
And why would he steal seven grand in fees from my pocket?
...Shit.
LETITIA
What's wrong?
BABYSHAM
Tomy. I never asked him if he stole Mayburn's money.
LETITIA
He didn't. Not in so many words.
BABYSHAM
Sorry?
LETITIA
What was Eugene's was mine.
And you can rest easy knowing that Rover
was kind enough to retrieve it for me.
BABYSHAM
Right. Yes. Actually, six and a half grand of that
wasn't Eugene's at all. It was mine. And so, er...
feel free to give it back, eh?
LETITIA
Do you have a receipt?
BABYSHAM
I have a fist. And a strong sense of equality
that gives me no qualms about using it on women like yourself.
LETITIA
I see.
BABYSHAM
When you're ready, love.
There's no rush.
They climb a grass bank to a bridge over a railway.
BABYSHAM
Why did you run from the police like you did?
LETITIA
I wanted us to be able to have this little chat in peace.
BABYSHAM
But you left Tomy behind. Surely you knew
that he'd be arrested for killing your husband.
LETITIA
Tomy's a fool. I've been trying to dump him for months.
I thought I'd finally shaken him off hiding in that commode,
but then you came along.
They stop on the bridge.
LETITIA
Then you came along and I knew then that this was my perfect
opportunity
to ditch Tomy for good and get the two of us here. Together. Alone.
BABYSHAM
Riight.
LETITIA
I love the graveyard at night. It's beautiful, don't you think?
So romantic...
BABYSHAM
So you're a goth, right?
LETITIA
Shut up and kiss me.
She grabs Babysham and forces him into a clinging embrace. He reacts like his grandma is pecking him at Christmas. He doesn't so much struggle as look very uncomfortable as she locks on for the kiss. At the same moment, a train speeds under the bridge, sending a colossal draught of air up into them. Once the train is through the shot and away, the embrace ends, and Babysham stumbles backwards looking tattered and bemused. He has dark lipstick all over his face. If he's wearing glasses in this scene they are now all skewed.
BABYSHAM
Um.
LETITIA
Vanilla.
Babysham stumbles back over the bridge in the direction from whence he came. Letitia guides him with her pursuit. Meanwhile it is starting to rain.
BABYSHAM
I... er...
LETITIA
Darling... This power that has forced us together,
who are we to question it? Come. Let us embrace once more...
BABYSHAM
I don't really think that's such a good idea.
LETITIA
From the moment I first set eyes on you, I've known.
And you know it too. I can see it. I've a very perceptive nature.
BABYSHAM
I don't think you have. Really. I'm flattered,
but... what can I say...?
LETITIA
Say nothing. Just do. Do. There is no say.
BABYSHAM
I was kind of pinning my hopes on that Jade bird actually.
LETITIA
Forget her. Think only of us. Oh, my darling prince. Come. Come!
She pushes him to the floor and he bangs his head slightly on the bottom of a gravestone. She begins to ravish him.
BABYSHAM
I... This really isn't very respectful... um...
Could we not do this somewh...
He is muted by her lips and after initially resisting, he gets caught up in it like a role reversal of some disturbing and trashy Mills & Boon narrative. As they tear their clothes off and begin to rut in the darkness, we pull out to reveal that the gravestone they are on has been vandalised with a yellow spray-painted pentangle within a circle. It is raining rather heavily now as their sex becomes more and more animalistic. There is a distant flash of lightning illuminating the scene and we cut to:
27 - EXT 14 - BEER YARD OF THE GARDENER'S REST - SATURDAY NIGHT
A scary metal fish in the foreground is illuminated by lightning. Focus in on the conservatory.
28 - INT 17 - CONSERVATORY OF THE GARDENER'S REST - NIGHT
The rain hammers heavily on the conservatory roof and we can see the
storm through the glass. Inside sit Alan, Jade, and a pale dummy in a
maid's
outfit who is polishing some metal. Jade has a bottle of Duchess de
Bourgoine
and Alan has a pint of some Wentworth or other. They've also seemingly
bought the dummy a gin and Britvic.
Both have had a costume change since their last scene. Alan still wears
his duffle coat, and Jade has a long green gabardine coat.
In addition to the noise of rain from outside, there is quite a lively
atmosphere from the main body of the pub.
Alan is stood consulting some large maps on the wall. In one hand is
his pint and in the other is a purple Game Boy. The cartridge in the
Game
Boy has been heavily customised and includes a lot of wires, a screw
block
and a radio aerial.
JADE
Any luck?
ALAN
I've no idea what I'm doing.
She gets up to try to help.
JADE
Are those supposed to be coordinates or something?
ALAN
I suppose so. I don't know.
JADE
Read them out. What are they?
ALAN
Seven zero five three two four two eight,
Four zero zero one two nine oh nine.
JADE
Seven zero five, four zero zero...?
Well if... no. That just doesn't add up.
I mean the closest thing I can find with numbers like that
would be down here somewhere.
She points off the bottom of the map, where Hasland, Chesterfield would be.
ALAN
Chesterfield?
JADE
Yeah. But I don't think that's right.
The reference would be the wrong way round if it were that,
and I'd've thought there'd be another number in front of each, too.
ALAN
Not Chesterfield...
JADE
Well it's the only thing close that makes any sense,
but I really think it can't be.
ALAN
Maybe we're missing something.
He turns the Game Boy upside down and squints.
ALAN
Gogziooh bzhzesol...
JADE
Well what would be our coordinates?
Where are we?
ALAN
(he points)
Here.
JADE
Fifty three degrees, twenty three and a half minutes north...
One minute... twenty nine west. Heh.
ALAN
Fifty three, twenty three; one, twenty nine?
JADE
He's just up the road!
ALAN
So what's all this crap at the front?
JADE
God knows... north and west maybe? I don't know.
ALAN
But they're just up the road?
JADE
Yeah. Look.
ALAN
Well that's handy.
JADE
Isn't it. Come on.
She pulls the map from the wall, downs her drink and scrunches up
her
face, then heads out.
Alan follows, with the glasses.
ALAN
(to the dummy:)
Bye...
As Alan leaves, the dummy turns her head to follow his exit. Lightning.
29 - EXT 11 - LETITIA'S MORGAN - NIGHT
We look over the Morgan, and over the bridge where we can hear Alan and Jade approaching on the other side of the river.
ALAN
I thought you said they were just up the road.
JADE
Well they are. Relatively speaking.
ALAN
Where on earth are we?
JADE
Club Mill Road.
ALAN
And where's that?
JADE
Owlerton Stadium is just over there.
ALAN
Oh. Great. We're miles out.
JADE
One or two.
They come over the bridge. They've got one of those lights on the Game Boy that you can get to see the screen in the dark, and they're trying to use it as a torch; mainly to consult the map. The map is a bit soggy, despite their best efforts to keep it dry under Jade's coat.
JADE
Ooh. Look.
ALAN
Mm?
JADE
They're definitely around here.
ALAN
Oh. The car. Right.
Which way now?
JADE
What's the numbers again?
ALAN
Seven zero five... oh...
JADE
Five oh?
ALAN
They've gone.
JADE
What?
ALAN
No signal.
He steps backwards to try and recover the signal.
ALAN
It's gone dead.
[no teaser this week]
[CLOSING TITLES
Credits run up over a red curtain.
A moth flutters about the stage.
Fade.]