BABYSHAM - EPISODE  3

[[RECAP SEQUENCE:

Each speaker faces the camera wearing typical dress and holding a prisoner identification card, a la police photo.

MAYBURN
I'm Eugene Mayburn, a homosexual antiques dealer.
I married Letitia to cover up my sexuality in order to gain entry to
the Mouseman's Guild: a secret fraternity of antique professionals.
I hired Babysham as a bodyguard, saying that I was being blackmailed,
and then knocked him out in an abandoned quarry for reasons that are unclear.

TOMY
I'm Tomy Hodgkinson, Letitia's jilted some-time lover.
I killed Eugene Mayburn so that I could marry Letitia.
But Letitia spurned me and left me to the police.
Now I am upset and in a holding cell.

LETITIA
I'm the recently widowed Letitia Mayburn,
a former mud-wrestler turned kept woman,
and I've just been fucking Babysham.

JADE
I'm Jade Faraday, Eugene Mayburn's cousin,
and I'm determined to find out the truth about what happened to him,
so I'm doing my best to help Babysham in his investigation.

ALAN
I'm Alan Quinn, Babysham's lawyer and friend,
and I'm determined to keep Babysham out of trouble.
Unfortunately, we've just lost track of his life signs
on our remote tracker, and we are naturally concerned.

END RECAP]]

Black.

[CAPS]

A/V Woman Productions
present
[END CAPS]

1 - EXT 13 - WARD'S END CEMETERY - EARLY DAWN, SUNDAY

We fade up on an out of focus electricity pylon as viewed from below. We hear it spark and hum.

[CAPS]

A Woody Burlman Picture
[END CAPS]

The occasional black frame or three is inserted into the footage as we focus in on the pylon. it is no longer raining.

[CAPS]

THE BUG SLEEP
[END CAPS]

Cut to a shot from the top of an embankment looking across at the pylon lines. The pylon is positioned on the slope of the embankment.

[CAPS]

starring
Guy Pearce
[END CAPS]

Now a shot from the bottom of the embankment looking up to the pylon.

[CAPS]

as
[END CAPS]

In the centre of its base lies Babysham who sits up vampirically to face in our direction.

[CAPS]

BABYSHAM
[END CAPS]

He slowly rolls his head around to take in his environment.

[CAPS]

Written and directed by
Steph Jesper
[END CAPS]

We hear a freight train passing through the speakers, drowning out the pylons.
At its peak, we cut to:

2 - EXT 11 - LETITIA'S MORGAN - EARLY DAWN

Alan and Jade are hidden down the bank of the Don, watching the abandoned car. Alan is making an indistinct noise which slightly prelaps from the previous scene, but not noticeably until we hit this scene.

JADE
Shhh...!

Letitia is there, by the car. She looks a little wet and windswept and her makeup is a mess. She does that suspicious looking around thing that is obligatory in such scenes, and fishes the keys from her bag. She gets into the car. She turns the ignition but the car sounds rough. After a few attempts it fails to start.
Our attention is fully in the car, and Letitia's frustrated attempts to start it, when a hand appears on the dashboard. This startles Letitia. The hand is, of course, Alan's. Letitia naturally looks the other way and sees Jade covering the other exit.
You know, at some point, someone directed this sequence for the first time...

JADE
Morning.

ALAN
Where's Babysham?

LETITIA
I wouldn't know.

JADE
No?

LETITIA
Has he not got back to you?

ALAN
No.

LETITIA
Well I'm sure he'll turn up.
Now if you'd be so kind as to put back my spark plug, I'll be off.

JADE
He was here at midnight. And then he disappeared.
And now, less than four hours later, you're still here.

ALAN
Kind of makes us all suspicious inside.

JADE
Now, Chlamydia, we're reasonable people...

ALAN
Very reasonable...

JADE
Just tell us where the fuck he is
and we'll say no more about it.

LETITIA
I really can't help you.
He and I parted company shortly before twelve.
I haven't seen him since.

ALAN
Then you won't mind telling that to the police, will you.

LETITIA
I'd really rather not. Not that I've done anything wrong,
but what with Tomy killing my husband and all,
you can see it's potentially a terrible hassle. All round.
Now honestly, I haven't seen Babysham. I don't know where he is.

JADE
What've you been doing since midnight?

LETITIA
Well... I don't really see how it's any of your business.
But if you must know, I was frolicking naked amongst the gravestones
and trying to commune with Satan and his saintly elves.
It's a vice of mine, I'm afraid. I'm trying to give it up,
but you know how these things are. Cigarette?

She offers an unfiltered cigarette from a silver case.

ALAN
No thankyou.

JADE
No.

LETITIA
Suit yourselves.

She takes one for herself and lights it with a silver lighter (with a pentogram etched into it). She breathes on her fag and expels a cloud of smoke which the camera follows past the foliage in the background. Via a change in focus to the leaves, we artily mix to:

3 - EXT 13 - WARD'S END CEMETERY - DAWN

Babysham is wandering through ferns as he makes his way up a moderately steep hillside. It is very misty. Occasionally, a gravestone can be seen sticking out from the ferns. The sequence is played for eeriness as he picks his way up the hill.

With the help of a computer, we pull out over the railway and woodland and pylon lines, and crane back down to the Morgan parked at the gates. This gives us an idea of Babysham's proximity to the others.

4 - EXT 11 - LETITIA'S MORGAN - CONT.

JADE
Well where was he when you last saw him?

ALAN
Did he give you any idea as to where he might be going?

LETITIA
We were up there in the cemetery.
I don't know where he was heading.
He could still be around for all I know.

Alan gets the Game Boy from his pocket and turns it on. He looks intrigued.

ALAN
(to Jade:)
Where's your map?

JADE
Here...

With a new sense of urgency, she unfolds the damp and battered map across the car's bonnet.

LETITIA
Is there any chance of the pair of you putting my car back together?
I've got better things I could be doing, you know...

JADE & ALAN
Shut up.

Evidently, the coordinates are back, and the two consult the map, point out a position and prepare to move on.

JADE
Right. Come on.

They leave Letitia and her car, and head for the cemetery.

LETITIA
Is that it? Are you leaving?
Hello?

Alan tosses a sparkplug back to Letitia.

5 - EXT 13 - WARD'S END CEMETERY - EARLY MORNING, SUNDAY

Alan and Jade make their way up the same hill that Babysham was on a moment ago.

6 - EXT 15 - PARKWOOD SPRINGS - EARLY MORNING

Helicopter shot of the two picking their way across the landfill site. A couple of diggers do their thing quietly in the distance.
The montage concludes with the pair of them struggling over a bank from the landfill site (dialogue ad libbed). As they reach the top of the bank, we reveal:

A few yards away is a large concrete disc in the grass, with a ring of grass poking through near the centre. It looks a bit like a space-ship landing platform (but isn't). At the centre of this disc is sat Babysham. He is meditating.

As the camera closes in on Babysham, he opens his eyes and looks straight at us, all a bit scary like.

ALAN (OOV)
Oh dear...

JADE (OOV)
What?

ALAN (OOV)
I think he might've gone and experienced total happiness again.

JADE (OOV)
What?

ALAN (OOV)
A mad old hacker tampered with his program
and put in a subroutine whereby if he ever
experiences total happiness he goes unremittingly evil.

JADE (OOV)
That wasn't very clever.

BABYSHAM
No. It wasn't.
But fortunately for all of us,
a cheap orgasm does not constitute total happiness.

He picks himself up off the ground.

BABYSHAM
A ride on a big wheel, maybe.
A ride on a posh goth in a graveyard in a
force 10 storm? Not a bit of it.

ALAN
I thought it was just a rather shoddy euphemism.

BABYSHAM
Nah. The real thing.
And even on a big wheel, there's plenty of concerns.
Will it break down? Will I fall off and die horribly?

He opens his arms and spins around in the circle, gaily. All very Sound of Music.

BABYSHAM
Nah. The chances of me, with my highly efficient
task management systems and electronic spread-planning nodes,
experiencing total, one hundred per cent happiness...
well they're downright impossible.

JADE
Well that's a relief.

BABYSHAM
Tis, rather.
Come on...

They head off in the direction of the Ski Village, with Babysham guiding the other two, paternally.

BABYSHAM
I did crash though. Wasn't pleasant.
There we were, rutting on the Francises,
and suddenly... blue screen of death.
It was most embarrassing.
When I came to I had to reboot everything.

ALAN
Are you all right now?

BABYSHAM
I've had one or two little Guru Meditations,
but I think I've sorted it out now. Not sure all the
electricity in the air did me much good to be honest.

JADE
So you broke down in the middle of screwing Letitia Mayburn?

BABYSHAM
Well, you say middle. Middle would've been good.
I'm an honest fellow. I have to say, the idea of fumbling about with
Letitia Mayburn; not all that unpleasant, really. But I didn't even get to
defrag my hard drive, so to speak.

JADE
Are you saying you're impotent?

BABYSHAM
Hard to say. I crashed before it became an issue.
It's never happened to me before.
It's quite worrying for a fellow of my age.

JADE
There there. It's really best not to dwell on it.
Put it out of your mind. I'm sure these things happen occasionally
to every cybernetic killing machine turned private detective.

BABYSHAM
I'm sure they do, Jade.
I'm sure they do. That's very reassuring of you to say so.
Perhaps you could help me test that theory out later.
What do you say?

JADE
I say we get you back home and
try to sort things out with the neighbours.

ALAN
That would be a sensible idea.
What if anything did you learn from Letitia?
Aside from your... floppy disk errors.

BABYSHAM
Nothing much. I suppose I got one lead,
but I don't know how good it'll be.

JADE
What was that?

BABYSHAM
Some sort of antiques club Eugene was involved with.
I'll look it up later. Erm...

A glance at the scenery shows that we are now in:

7 - EXT 3 - FIELDS ABOVE SKI-CENTRE / OLD QUARRY - CONT.

which is a continuation of the previous environment.

Babysham looks about him at the canyon and goes all funny. He puts his arms out.

BABYSHAM
Hold onto me a moment, would you?
I think I'm ganna aannaananaaanannnana
beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep.

Babysham shuts down.
Alan and Jade look at each other.
They set him down carefully in the white mud.
Babysham opens his eyes again.

BABYSHAM
I think the bitch may have corrupted my memory.
Give us a hand, would you...?

They haul him back up but he is rigid.

8 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - SUNDAY MORNING

Establish. A bus pulls up to the stop outside.
Reverse angle to see the door open, and Alan and Jade haul the unwell form of Babysham out of the door.

9 - INT 2 - STAIRS AND BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.

Montage of them manhandling him up the stairs.
They reach the office, but the door is locked. They search for keys but there are none on Babysham for he had handed them to Spillaine. They lean Babysham against the wall.
Alan tries to force the door. No luck. He tries to break the glass with his elbow. He hurts his elbow but not the glass. He fishes in his pocket and gets out his credit cards. He picks out a York University library card (with goose motif) and tries the trick with the yale lock. But obviously the card snaps.
He tries the door again. It's still locked.

Shot now from within the office. We don't see a lot of the interior, so someone could yet be in here. We just concentrate on the door area. And after a beat or two, Alan and Jade come crashing through, using Babysham's rigid and inert form as a battering ram.

Any dialogue is ad libbed.

They drag Babysham through the office and dump him in his chair. But he doesn't sit as he is rigid. The chair rolls away, and Babysham ends up on the floor.
Jade tweaks his nose.

BABYSHAM
Ow.

JADE
Sorry.

BABYSHAM
There's a number for a compski I know, in the rolodex.

ALAN
Where?

BABYSHAM
It's on the desk.

There is a black plastic tray with what may once have been the components of a rolodex in it. Alan and Jade sift through the cards together.

JADE
Barretts of Harrogate:
Computer maintenance and repairs.
No bug too big, no error too hard.
This it?

BABYSHAM
That's the that's the that's the that's the that's the...

Jade tweaks his nose again, and he falls silent.

JADE
Handy that.

ALAN
I wish I'd've known about it before.

Jade sits in the chair and pulls it up to the desk. She toys with the card while Alan tries to open the draw of the filing cabinet where the phone lives. But Babysham locked it.

ALAN
You'll have to send them an e-mail, I guess.

Jade flicks some buttons on a computer on the desk and it comes to life. It sounds like a small nuclear reactor. The monitor flickers and a desktop slowly comes into being. It is a very messy looking AVWIMP desktop. The wallpaper is a very white image of Alicia Silverstone, and the icons do not go near her flesh.
Jade presses a button on the keyboard and an email client splashes into action. It is a program called AVSoft "Post Master General". The program is called Post Master, and it's a "general" licence.

Jade clicks to start a new message, and types in (note that the <> contents are not typed):

<to:> enquiries@barrettsofharrogate.co.yk <sic>
<subj:> Babysham broken. Requires urgent remedy.
<msg:> <ad lib>

As she types in the body text...

ALAN
Do you want a cup of tea or something?

JADE
Sounds good to me.

Alan goes to the kettle which is still full of stale coffee from a previous occasion. He washes out the kettle and sets it going. He finds the mug full of mould and recoils.
Jade clicks to send the email, and we hear a dial-up.
We then rip off Three Colours: Red, cos it's a while since we did a Three Colours thing. Through the power of computer gimmickry, we zoom through the computer and follow the email as it makes its way through the telephone system to Harrogate.
The route we follow should be as accurate as possible. And over it all, rather than zappy noises, we will have a Night Mail style poem:

NARRATOR
(John Cleese)
This is the email sending to server,
Bearing the news of our Babysham's torpor,
Charging through cables with lightening fervour,
Racing away from us farther and farther.
Fast through the switch-board, and down optic line:
BT's against her, but she's on time.
Past little worms and moles and a boulder,
Into a bundle that follows the Calder.
Up through the modem and into the RAM,
It's dropped in the inbox and lost in the spam.

10 - INT 18 - BARRETTS OF HARROGATE - SUNDAY AFTERNOON

A lived-in looking office. A man with his jumper sleeves rolled up, who's head we do not see, is munching on a bag of wheat crunchies held in his hand, and casually checking his email. He sees the relevant subject heading, and sets down the wheat crunchies. He reads the email, then quickly grabs a navy blue anorak from a hat-stand near the door, and a briefcase from the floor, before exiting the building.
Beat.
The door goes again, and his hand reaches into the locked off frame, to take the wheat crunchies. Then we hear him go again.

11 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - SUNDAY EVENING

Babysham is laid on the bed. Alan is sat back in a hollow wicker chair with a bean bag in it. He is watching Bullseye on the black & white telly. It's one of those rounded bakelite deco things with the two dials and the dalek ribs. There's an old-fashioned twin antenna on the top of the box.

Bullseye is presented by John Savident and Tony Green.

...utilising [INSERT: INT 19 - BULLSEYE STUDIO

GREEN
Iiiin one:

SAVIDENT
Keep apart your sprouts and collie with this fantastic hostess trolley.

GREEN
Iiiin two:

SAVIDENT
Here's an ice breaker; it's an ice cream maker.

GREEN
Iiiin three:

SAVIDENT
There'll be lots of fun when you get a hole in one
with these magnificent golf clubs.

GREEN
Iiiin four:

SAVIDENT
The kid's'll be in a dream
if you take home this cracking Soda Stream.

GREEN
Iiiin five:

SAVIDENT
Here's one you'll like,
It's his and hers bikes!

GREEN
Iiiin six:

SAVIDENT
Your weekly lie in can be consigned to the bin
with this digital speaking clock.

GREEN
Iiiin seven:

SAVIDENT
This you'll admire:
It's a tumble drier.

GREEN
Iiiin eight:

SAVIDENT
Make the neighbours green with this knitting machine.

GREEN
Iiiin nine:

SAVIDENT
You'll have reason to boast with this programmable toaster.

GREEN
And Bully's special prize...

SAVIDENT
You can keep watching Bullseye till the day that you die;
It's a combined colour television and video.
Right. You know what to do. Keep out of the black and into the red...

SAVIDENT & ALAN
...nothing in this game for two in a bed.

SAVIDENT
That's right.

JADE (OOV)
Are you talking to yourself?

ALAN
No. I'm talking to the contestants.

Jade appears from the bathroom. She's wearing a classy dressing gown, somewhere between pink and peach in hue, with a large but unobtrusive floral design. She's drying her hair and putting the towel into a turban.

JADE
I see. Did they hear you?

ALAN
Don't think so, judging by that shot.

JADE
Hmm.

There is a knock at the door. Alan looks to see who will get it, but Jade has gone to get it. She opens the door to reveal, in a large white towel around her body, and a colourful woolly hat on her head:

BHUVANA
Hello. I bring keys from Barnie.
She see in crystal ball that you need keys
and so she send them to you.

JADE
Er. Thanks.

Jade takes possession of a newly cut set of keys.

JADE
Do you want to come in?

BHUVANA
Is it the Bull Eyes? No. I cannot watch the Bull Eyes.
My mother did forbid me. She said Bull Eyes: That way
lies sin and fornication. You must stay away from the Bull Eyes
and the dirty groping hands of Mr Tony Green. And so I
cannot watch on the grave of my dear dead mother
who was killed by a reindeer on the banks of Lokan Tekojärvi.

JADE
Well we can always turn it off.

BHUVANA
That I could not stand you to do.
No. I must return to my home land to relieve my lover
who has for thirty days and nights been in pursuit
of a solution to the human condition. So I must leave,
but I thank you for your attempts at hospitality.

JADE
Oh. Ok. Have a pleasant trip then...

BHUVANA
Good night to you both.
And happy ruttings.



















12 - INT 20 - THE STAIRS FROM THE FLAT - NIGHT

Bhuvana heads away and Jade shuts the door, but we stay on the same side of the door as Bhuvana, who heads off down the stairs. She is skipping down them playing some sort of happy jolly counting game, but she at some point trips and stumbles down the stairs, only to be caught at the bottom by:

JIM
(Tony Head)
Are you alright?

13 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Jade is sat on the floor, leaning against the bed, watching the telly with Alan.

From the telly:

SAVIDENT
You've got the time it takes for the board to revolve
to decide whether or not you're going to gamble...

AUDIENCE
Gamble! Gamble!

SAVIDENT
Well what's it going to be?

CONTESTANT
(Rob Brydon)
Well, we've had a terrific night here tonight, John,
but we think we'd be pushing our luck to go any further,
don't we, dearest... So we've decided to play it safe
and take home what we've got.

SAVIDENT
They're going home with what they've got!
A warm hand, ladies and gentlemen,
I say, a warm hand, for Marion and Keith Barret!

The end of what he says is drowned out both by audience reaction and a knock at the door, such that we never properly hear the contestants' names without recourse to hi-tech filtering equipment.

Jade answers the door.

JADE
Hello?

JIM
Er, hi. You're having problems with your Babysham?

JADE
Oh right. Yes. Come in.

JIM
I got here as soon as I could.

Alan turns off the telly so that I don't have to worry about scripting anything else for it. He gets up to shake Jim's hand.

ALAN
Jim! How are you?

JIM
I'm well. Yourself?

ALAN
Mustn't grumble really.
He's broke down. He was trying to have sex
in a graveyard but he crashed, and he's not been rights since.

JIM
I see...
Can I have this light on?

JADE
Sure...

Jade flicks on a bedside lamp with a green shade. It makes her all green for a moment, until she steps back.
Jim opens his case and unfolds a laptop. The two stand over him as he unravels a cable with a car cigarette lighter style plug on the end. He rolls up Babysham's top from off his belly and seeks out the bellybutton, then rams the plug in and twists.

ALAN
Cup of tea or anything?

JIM
Please. One sugar.
Now then...
It'll be a few minutes while he dumps his log.

JADE
You had a decent trip?

JIM
Not really. With it being Sunday,
the trains were barely existent,
and the one I found was full of kids eating biscuits.

JADE
Ahuh.

JIM
(indicating Alan)
So are you, like...

JADE
No, no... No.
I'm just helping out.
Babysham's sort of on a case, and I'm keen
to see him reach a satisfactory conclusion. You know?

JIM
Right. So it wasn't you that
Babysham was trying to have sex with.

JADE
No, no...
It was my late cousin's wife.

JIM
Right. Right.
How's he doing with that tea?

JADE
So you're a computer scientist, right?

JIM
Something like that, yeah.
Me and Babysham were on the same course at university.

JADE
Oh right?

JIM
Mm.

JADE
You're in Harrogate, aren't you?

JIM
Yeah.

He tries to find something to do on the computer.

JADE
I hear it's quite nice.

JIM
Yeah. It's not so bad.

JADE
The weather alright?

JIM
Yeah, yes.

JADE
Only we had a terrible storm last night.

JIM
Oh right. Yeah, I think we did too.
Alan, how's the law thing going?

ALAN
Not too bad. I've got a bit of a cash cow here, really.

JIM
Heh. I see.

ALAN
When he pays me, at any rate.

JIM
Right.
<to Jade:>
I know Alan from uni, too.

JADE
Oh, right.

JIM
Right then... Let's see what we've got.
Can I nick a chair from somewhere?

JADE
Here, let me get you one.

JIM
Hmm...

ALAN
Your tea's mashing.

JIM
Right.

ALAN
Anything fixable?

JIM
Nothing obvious leaping out at me.
I might be a few hours, I'm afraid.

ALAN
Er, before you start digging...
He mentioned something about...
He's researching the death of this guy called Mayburn
and apparently he found out about some antiques club.
Don't suppose you could drag up any info on it, could you?

JIM
Well I'm not sure it's very ethical,
but since you're a friend... Let's see...
I'll do a back search. Mm. How's this?

He turns up the sound on the internal speaker and clicks something. We hear a rather poor, tinny recording:

LETITIA (VO)
...rrangement of convenience.
He needed a wife in order to be accepted by his society.
I was in it for the financial gains. End of story.

BABYSHAM (VO)
His society?

LETITIA (VO)
The Mouseman's Guild. It's a secret
fraternity of antique professionals.

BABYSHAM (VO)
Yes. I'm familiar with it.

LETITIA (VO)
You are?

BABYSHAM (VO)
No. But it's something I always say
to make me sound more knowledgeable.

JIM
How's that?

ALAN
I think that'll cover it.
Thanks.

JIM
No problems.
Ok, so I'll be on this all night, I think.
Dunno what you want to do. I mean
feel free to sit and watch, but I doubt it'll be much fun.

Alan fetches Jim's tea.

JIM
Thanks.

ALAN
No worries.

Jade is sat on the floor watching Jim hack away. From now on he is focussed solely on the screen.
Alan looks about for a yellow pages. He eventually finds one somewhere obvious that he took a while to get to.

ALAN
Mouseman's Guild.
What's that likely to be under?

JADE
Guilds? Secret Societies?
Dunno. Is it likely to be in at all
if it's meant to be a secret?

ALAN
Mm. Good point.

JIM
You could always just look on the internet.
If it's a secret, it'll definitely be on the web.

ALAN
Hah. You're probably right there.

JIM
Ahuh.

Jim sips his tea but keeps his eyes on the code.

14 - INT 2 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Alan enters, and flicks the light on (it's not a very bright light). He shuts the door to, and inspects the lock, but the jamb is bust. He pushes the wood up as best he can and just about snecks the door. Then he goes over to the desk and turns on the computer.
While it boots up, he wanders over to the window and looks out.

15 - EXT 4 - BABYSHAM'S OFFICE - CONT.

He looks across the police yard. Someone in the station waves. It is Helen. Alan waves back. Helen opens the window and calls across.

HELEN
Hi, Al. Working late?

ALAN
Aye. You?

HELEN
Ahuh. We've got your Tomy friend in downstairs.

ALAN
Oh yes.

HELEN
He's a bit thick, isn't he.

ALAN
Just a bit.

HELEN
I think Marty wouldn't miss a word with your boss.

ALAN
He's a bit incapacitated at the moment,
but I'll pass it on.

HELEN
He alright?

ALAN
He's got a bug.
Probably not serious,
but the doctor's seeing to him.

HELEN
Oh, well give him my love.

ALAN
The doctor?

HELEN
Is he good looking?

ALAN
Yeah, probably. Looks a bit
like Anthony Stewart Head.
You know, off Buffy and the
Gold Blend ads.

HELEN
Ooh. Then definitely give him my love.

ALAN
Righto. Well I'll give him an inkling.

HELEN
Ahuh. Well I'll let you get back to your
whatever-you-were-doings...

ALAN
Ok. Oh. Er... Don't suppose you know
anything about er... The Mouseman's Guild,
by any chance? It's some secret society
for antiques types.

HELEN
I'll have a look for you.

She disappears.

Beat.

She returns.

HELEN
Nothing on the police database.

ALAN
Oh. Ok.

HELEN
You might have luck with the MI5 lists,
but I can't get them from here.

ALAN
Right.

HELEN
Or you could try something like Xenon.

ALAN
Hmm?

HELEN
The AVW press archive.
We always use that if we're in a hole.
It beats our stuff.

ALAN
Right. You got access to that then?

HELEN
No. We have someone down at Lindrick.

ALAN
Oh.

HELEN
Give us a shout if you draw blanks
and I'll pull a few strings.

ALAN
Ok. Ta.

HELEN
No problem. But now, I see that Marty's coming,
so I think I better get on with some work.

ALAN
Alright. Nanight.

HELEN
Night.

ALAN
(in soliloquy)
O blessed, blessed night.

Alan returns to the machine.

ALAN
I am afeard, being in night, all this is but a dream,
too flattering-sweet to be substantial.

He hits a button and we see the AVWIMP "Operetta" splashscreen. He makes a new window and google-searches for: "mouseman's guild"

The computer dials up (no broadband for Babysham).

The result:

Did you mean: "mouseman guild"

He tries it. Nothing. He tries "mousemen's guild" but gets:

Did you mean: "mouseman guild"

He puts a space in. No. He tries mouseman's guild without the quotes.

Did you mean: mouseman guild

There are a lot of links now, but they aren't of any use to him.

For a bit of fun, he slowly and thoughtfully types: "npvtfnbo't hvjme"
 

 Web Results 1 - 1 of 1 for "npvtfnbo'thvjme". (0.35 seconds) 
Tip:Try removing quotes from your search to get more results.
Uif Npvtfnbo't Hvjme ~ Uif Tfdsfu Tpdjfuz gps Boujrvf Qspgfttjpobmt ~
Ij, boe xfmdpnf uv uif Npvtfnbo't Hvjme ipnfqbhf!
www.avwoman.freeserve.co.uk/babysham/mouse.html - 9k - Cached - Similar pages

 

To his surprise, he finds a page. It's a simple little page entirely written a letter forward. There's a pentogramatical mouse logo and photos of antiques dealers at a debauched party, but the camera doesn't really look at the page much, so we can't see the detail. Alan can though.

He finds a bit of paper and starts working out what the page says.

We crane above him, and then the camera tilts up through the ceiling and into:

16 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - CONT.

...where Jade is still sat on the floor watching Jim slaving away over his laptop. The sequence is in timelapse, but we crane up high through it. Occasionally Jade gets up and wanders about a bit; getting drinks, or going to the toilet, or looking whimsically out of the window. Jim remains at the computer throughout.

The crane shot moves (presumably very slowly, given the time-lapse) and zooms in on a window which looks out onto Snig Hill. Jade occasionally passes by. It starts to throw it down and lighten.

On a lightning strike we reverse angle to look in through the window, now in real time. Jade is no longer in the room. Jim is still at the computer. With the storm, we increase the eeriness of the atmosphere. Babysham raises an arm and lowers it again, all Frankenstein-like. All we hear is the rain and the traffic below, the lights of which reflect on the window slightly.

Then Babysham does his second vamipre-rise of the show. Arms outstretched and rigid. Jim should be focussed on the computer and doesn't appear to have noticed Babysham's movement as Babysham pivots and moves his zombie attention to Jim.

Back in the room, we look past Jim at Jim's approximate angle of vision, and track back / tilt up to allow Babysham into shot as he gymnastically raises himself into a standing position on the bed (using wires). By this point, either Jim's aware or he's blind to all but the monitor. Because Babysham is wired up in the plane of the bed but is pointing his upper torso at Jim, there is a hint (expressed slightly in Babysham's eyes) that the rise is in a direction contrary to Babysham's will (he's pointing at Jim but rising towards the foot of the bed). Having risen, he paces forwards slowly, and after a step or two, he falls off the bed, rigidly. His feet should slide under the bed slightly, and his head should hit the (closed) bathroom door to stop his straight body from impacting with the floor. Because his arms are facing right towards Jim, they stick out to Babysham's side rather than hitting the floor.

So Babysham is diagonal between the foot of the bed and the bathroom door beyond it, with enough space beneath him for his arms to point out to the side (like he's just thrown a rugby ball or something). He looks a bit daft and we hear the sound of tiny labouring motors.

This is, of course, the cue for Jade to open the bathroom door, which she dutifully does. And Babysham hits the ground with a thud, falling slightly to his side because of his arms.

Shot of Jim bathed in the glow of his laptop night-light, still tapping away.

JADE
What are you doing?

JIM
Disabling his motor circuits
so that I can enter his dreamstate.

JADE
Oh.

JIM
He needs to be forcibly paralysed before
the system will shut down properly and let me in.

JADE
Right. So then you enter his dreams and psychoanalyse him?

JIM
Pretty much.

JADE
Ooh.

She sits down again to watch.
We look up at Jim, and with the help of some trickery, we mix to a similar shot of him in a different location.

17 - EXT 16 - PARK HILL FLATS - DAY

We are on one of the internal roadways, quite high. The darkness from the last scene is persevered by the muti-storey-car-park-ness of the place. We pull out to reveal that Jim is no longer on his laptop, but stood there, alone, in the middle of the road. We don't pull out enough to see Jade, should she be there. We frame the shot with that in mind.

(Throughout this sequence and to the end of the episode, partly through timing constraints, we make use of jump cuts. We also use funny angles and a lot of different shots.)

Jim walks forward, and we cut to a rear side view as he walks over to the balcony to admire the view of the city.
Jade enters the shot next to him.

JADE
Nice view.
So now what happens?

We hear a frightening sound which a new shot reveals to be a milkfloat coming along the road, contrary to David Bowie's advice. It stops in front of them. The driver wears a white-piped black suit a la No. 6, and one of the tragicomedy masks from the last episode of the Prisoner. He turns, mechanically, to look at them, and lifts the mask off his face. He is CHRIS.

CHRIS
Need a lift?

JIM
I rather think we do.

Jim is now also attired in No. 6 costume. Jade is in the Village-issue trousers and striped top look. The two climb onto the back of the milkfloat.
Chris, now complete with No. 2 scarf and walking stick, sets the milkfloat in motion. Helicopter shot to give us a sense of perspective as the milkfloat drives along the length of Park Hill.

A low shot of a deck to give us a close horizon. We hear a clap of thunder; the start of the Prisoner theme. The milkfloat trundles towards us from over the horizon. As it reaches us, we reverse angle and watch the milkfloat carry on along the deck towards a mock-tudor village pub that we've erected up here.

The milkfloat passes through the doors of the pub, which are double and wide open.

18 - INT 19 - A VILLAGE PUB - DAY

Interior shot of the pub as the milkfloat passes through. We'll have to scout for an appropriate country pub that we can squeeze a milkfloat into.

19 - EXT 17 - A BEER GARDEN - DAY

It then comes out the other side into a beer garden. We should be somewhere to the south west of Sheffield, with a decent view of the city in the background. There's bound to be a suitable location on the way out into the Peak District.

The milkfloat stops. It is now CRAIG (Tom Cruise) and not Chris in the driving seat. He still wears the No. 2 outfit.
Jim and Jade get off.

Jump cut to the two of them sat on a picnic table facing each other, drinking pina coladas. The milkfloat is gone. We pan from Jade to Jim, with the city in the background. On this first pan, the arts tower is digitally removed from the shot.

JADE (OOS)
Sdrawkcab gniklat eb ew dluohs, meard a si siht fi?

We pan back to Jade, this time with the arts tower still there.

JIM (OOS)
That's just the red lodge.

Overhead shot.

JADE
Oh.

It appears that we are in an episode of Emmerdale. Several of the cast are here.

Big long tracking shot around the beer garden, where we've added some gravestones. One of them (not at all obvious) is the one Babysham and Letitia were on. During the tracking shot:

ASHLEY THE VICAR
(John Middleton)
Today's reading is from Ezekiel, 25:17.
For the path of the righteous man is beset
on all sides by the inequities of the selfish
and the tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he, who in the name of
charity and good will, shepherds the weak
through the valley of darkness,
for he is truly his brothers keeper
and the finder of lost children.
And I will strike down upon thee,
with great vengeance and furious anger,
those who attempt to poison
and destroy my brother...

ERIC POLLARD points at the hills to the north of the city, where there is a gathering storm.

ERIC POLLARD
(Chris Chittell)
That storm looks particularly safe.

ASHLEY THE VICAR
...And you will know my name is the Lord,
when I lay my finger upon thee.

Throughout the above we hear an approaching ice cream van playing the theme tune from Crossroads. It drives over a pretty Britain in Bloom sort of hedgerow and crashes into one of the headstones. There is no driver.

In the back, serving ice-creams is ARCHIE, who wears a 1995 Sheffield Wednesday shirt.

ARCHIE
(Tony Pitts)
I wouldn't listen to Eric.
He murdered his wife when the plane crashed.

He pours on some strawberry sauce from the disembodied head of Eric's ex-wife.

Weapons expert MIKE LOADES is sat next to Jade.

MIKE LOADES
(himself)
I think now might be the moment to leave.

JIM
I think you might be right.

The three of them are walking down the hill away from the pub. The pub sets on fire, with a brilliant nuclear glow shining from it like something out of an Indiana Jones film. The pub collapses behind them in the distance.

20 - EXT 18 - HIGH STREET - EVENING

A change of angle puts the three walking up High Street in Sheffield. Mike occasionally thrusts at the camera with a big sword and the camera pulls away each time. There is an ominous looking storm on the horizon, and a rumbling of impending doom.

JADE
I think we need to find somewhere safe to hide
for when the earthquake comes.

Mike Loades finds a workman's hole in the side of the old C&A, and scurries down it.

JIM
No. That isn't safe.

21 - EXT 5ish - CATHEDRAL SQUARE - EVENING

A change of angle puts us here.

JIM
This is safer.

There is increasing fear in the local population, running about. Pigeons also.
Build up the tension a bit, then:

22 - INT 20 - CASK & CUTLER - EVENING

Jade and Jim sit at a round table in the middle of the smoking side. The chairs are tiny. Just big enough to sit on. The table is to scale with the chairs. The pints are big enough to fit two on the table. Two pints of porter, with cocktail glass furniture.

JIM
If it's an earthquake, then this
is the safest place there is.

A random patron runs through from the toilets.

RANDOM PATRON
Tidal wave!

General chaos.

JIM
Then we should move.

a Vertigo-like track moves the couple to:

23 - INT 21 - BUS - MORNING

Very reminiscent of A New Soap Episode 5. We're on the left side, half way up, with Jade at the window. In the seat infront are two old women.

A new shot shows Jim to be FRANK SKINNER.

OLD WOMAN 1
(Glenda Jackson)
Oh my feet, my feet.

OLD WOMAN 2
(Helen Atkinson Wood)
They playing up again?

OLD WOMAN 1
Oh yes, I should say so.
Awful they are.

OLD WOMAN 2
Just like mine.
Can't move with them.

OLD WOMAN 1
Well you've always been a martyr
to your pins, haven't you.

OLD WOMAN 2
Always. I remember when I was
a little girl. Ooh. The corns I used to get.

OLD WOMAN 1
Yeah. Terrible calluses, right between the toes.

OLD WOMAN 2
Hobbling like a spastic, I was.
People used to try to put coins in my head.

OLD WOMAN 1
Aye, aye. I don't know how I'm going to get home though,
with the way my feet are right now. They're in agony.

OLD WOMAN 2
I usually shop lift the chemists
if my feet won't carry me. Then that nice
Officer Wilmslow takes me home in his panda car.

OLD WOMAN 1
I'll have to remember that one.

OLD WOMAN 2
Well don't try it Saturdays though, cos you'll get
that fucker Albertine. He's a right little nazi.

OLD WOMAN 1
Well he don't want to be trying that sort of thing with me
or I'll give him what for.

OLD WOMAN 2
He doesn't listen though.

OLD WOMAN 1
Well they don't these days, do they.
No respect for their elders.

OLD WOMAN 2
They want to give them a good hiding.

OLD WOMAN 1
Chop their hands off.

OLD WOMAN 2
Yes. That's what we used to do in the WAAF.

OLD WOMAN 1
Knew where you stood back then.

OLD WOMAN 2
Yes. Not like now.

OLD WOMAN 1
Ooh.  I'm getting shooting pains right up my legs.

JADE
My leg's a bit numb too.

OLD WOMAN 1
What's that love?
Don't talk to me about numb.

Jade has taken her pumps off and is stroking her feet.

OLD WOMAN 2
I was up all the night with my water.

As she says this curious statement, a massive tidal wave hits the bus. We see water lashing around the windows. Jim is Tony Head again.

JIM
Everybody move to the front and put your backs to the wall
otherwise the water will seep in!

24 - INT 22 - NARROW BOAT - CONT.

It becomes apparent as Jade and Jim (and no-one else) move to the front, that we're actually on a stripped out and converted narrow-boat rather than a bus.
Water is seeping in from behind their backs. Through the windows, a great sea of water is suspended above the boat.
It passes over the boat and we see it through the back windows. Then it suddenly crashes down into the valley, smashes through the back of the boat and drowns the camera.

Fade to black.

25 - EXT 19 - BANKSIDE - DAY

Jim regains consciousness and finds Jade. There are extras a plenty, and below is the swollen river with the broken boat. Up the bank there is a rowing lake and a bridge, and then a hillside.
Jade is barefoot, and Jim has lost his jacket.

JIM
The water's still rising. I think we should move on.

Jim runs across the bridge, followed by Jade, and one or two others. The camera looks at the lake with the rowing boats. But Jim carries on up the hill.

Cut to:

26 - INT 23 - BBC STUDIO

It's a punditry set up with a BABYSHAM backdrop. GARY LINEKER sits at a desk. We don't see the guests until they each speak.

GARY
Interesting first half.
What did you lot think of it?

ANDREW MARR
Well the first question that appears from all this
has to be "Was it right of them to leave the cemetery
in the first place?" and on the face of it, you'd have to say
that "no it wasn't". Because the cemetery was up
on a hill, and the tidal wave would never have reached it.

A wider shot shows Mark Lawrenson between Gary and Andrew.

MARK LAWRENSON
But the building was on fire, Andrew.
And you saw the way it was glowing.
You're looking at, in the end of the day,
that's going to be a dangerous nuclear explosion.
I mean, it could be Threads all over again, Gary.
I really think it could...

ANDREW MARR
But we don't KNOW that. And frankly,
you'd think we'd've seen the signs already
if that were the case. Perhaps they'd've suffered
a little radiation poisoning though. That's
always a possibility with this kind of thing.
And, of course, they seem to have got through things
alright so far. So maybe they did make the better choice.

GARY
Well we've seen how Jim and Jade have faired,
but what about Mike Loades, the weapons expert?
I mean he went off half way through that first half.
That's got to be an injury worry, surely.

MARK URBAN
It depends a lot on how high the flood water is going to get.
I mean, Mike's made a major tactical mistake in that he's gone underground.
Now ground level there is about... 60 metres. So it's quite high up.
But if the water _were_ to get that high, because he's in a hole like that,
he'd be drowned straight away. Not a bright move at all.

ANDREW MARR
More so when you consider that earthquake was still
a possibility at the point.

MARK URBAN
Well it may well be that Mike considered the hole
really very sound structurally, and that's why he went there.
But yes, you have to say, even then, that it was an odd choice.

GARY
We'll look at some of the other options in a minute,
but what about their decision to go to the pub?

ALAN HANSEN
That was just ridiculous. Sloppy thinking there.

GARY
It looked to me like it wasn't so much about getting safe
as getting blind drunk.

ALAN HANSEN
That's probably the gist of it.
I mean we see here...

VT insert of Jim and Jade entering the Cask & Cutler.

ALAN HANSEN
The defender going for the Cask & Cutler.
No chance. Really. Again, if it's an earthquake
it's a shaky building to be in, and with the tidal wave.

Comp-gen tidal wave wipes out the Cask.

ALAN HANSEN
Pah. There you go. Dead meat.
What can you say?

MARK URBAN
I mean, it's not so much better with any of the
other pubs down there. The Fat Cat's right by the river...

VT of the Fat Cat sinking under flood water.

ALAN HANSEN
But the Fat Cat has structural integrity
I mean look at that wall. That curve.
That's going to take some pounding.
Nothing's going to get through that.

ANDREW MARR
Well apart from a little water perhaps.

ALAN HANSEN
Sure. But with an earthquake.

ANDREW MARR
Right. With the earthquake,
that's clearly the better option.

MARK LAWRENSON
On the other hand, the Kelham Island Tavern
is doomed. Right there in the path of it.
And it's not the soundest structure down there
by any stretch of the imagination.

MARK KERMODE
But what all of you seem to be forgetting
is that back in the original flood of 1864,
Russell Street.... and I happen to live next door
to Ken Russell, so I should know... Russell Street,
where the Kelham Island Tavern is,
was still standing after the flood. A testament,
I think, to how well it's built.

GERMAINE GREER
Yes. But it still wound up under seven
and a half feet of water. It's clearly a lousy
place for them to be. And after coming out
of one flood in one piece, I think it's really
asking a lot of it to last through a second, don't you?

GARY
Well I think we're agreed that the pubs aren't
a very safe option. But what about the water itself? Peter?

Peter Snow stands in a virtual reality river.

PETER
Well here we have a huge virtual reality map
of the city of Sheffield. And you can see the River Don
there in the middle, snaking up into the hills. And also,
quite significantly, two other rivers: the Loxley and the Rivelin,
feeding into the Don just here at Hillsborough.
Now, if we run the animation, the torrential rainfall over the Peak District
falls into all these reservoirs up here in the hills,
and the pressure of all that water on these ageing walls,
after so many dry summers, causes the whole lot to come crashing down
sending gallons and gallons of water gushing, gushing down this valley
and into Sheffield. There goes the Cask & Cutler. There goes the Fat Cat.
There goes the Kelham Island Tavern. Not a pretty site.
And the water's still coming. If we look here: just a bit of fun;
up here in his little hole... there's Mike Loades...

Comedy comp-gen Mike Loades in a little hole, biting his nails.

PETER
You have to say he's looking pretty worried. But how does he do?

A comp-gen water table rising up.

PETER
Well it looks like he's going to be safe.
But most significantly, I think. If we look over here.

It whizzes across to the Cathedral.

PETER
Which is where Jim and Jade were before they got bored.
This is right up on the hill in the middle of town,
and significantly, not a single drop of water. Gary.

GARY
Thankyou, Peter. Well Mike Loades
might've come out of it all right, but there were
another couple of injuries in the first half.

MARK LAWRENSON
Yeah. The two old women and their feet.
I mean this is a real shame. You've got two
women there; prime of their life, but their feet
don't work properly. It makes you want to
shoot people, I think.

ANTHONY KING
That's quite right. And of course,
it was a major campaigning point in the
last election. I think it really shows that
this grey vote can only be ignored at their peril.

GERMAINE GREER
And don't you think Jim should've
tried to help them out? Instead of
just leaving them there as the waters were rising.
Why didn't he try to put them in a rowing boat
or something? The guy's just a useless, inconsiderate oaf.

GARY
Or for that matter, he could've stayed there with them.

ANTHONY KING
That's right.

GARY
Well the players are coming out now for the second half
so lets go back to Jim and Jade at the bankside.

27 - EXT 19 - BANKSIDE - DAY

Jim and Jade are tending to the old women's feet. Mel Sterland, former Sheffield Wednesday player, turns up.

MEL STERLAND
I know of a tunnel that leads to the hospital.
It may be of some use to you.

JIM
Is it high land?

MEL STERLAND
Very.

JIM
Then take us there.

28 - EXT 20 - DISUSED FACTORIES AT STORRS BRIDGE - AFTERNOON

Jim and Jade are both pushing shopping trolleys with an old woman in each. Both ad lib about the state of their feet. Mel Sterland floats behind the two, six inches off the ground, with his toes pointing down.

Shot from below, Sterland points towards a factory.

29 - INT 24 - DISUSED FACTORY - AFTERNOON

Inside, MIKE LEIGH and TOMY are examining the entrance to the tunnel.

Mike Leigh speaks with the accent of a west end gangster:

MIKE LEIGH
(himself)
You might as well forget this.
It's jammed full o' crap.
Come on, Tomy.

Tomy wants to hit someone.

TOMY
Fascists.

They go away.

JADE
Maybe we should try next door.

30 - INT 25 - ANOTHER DISUSED FACTORY - AFTERNOON

There is a hole in the wall that leads to the tunnel. It is partly blocked with rubble, chairs and oil barrels, and the two set about clearing a path. Jim spots a grenade, and gently moves it away.
We see that directly above where he moved it is Tomy, who kicks the grenade a little. The pin falls out. So he kicks it again and it falls down a hole in the floorboards.

31 - EXT 20 - DISUSED FACTORIES - CONT.

Jim and Jade run out of the door and hide behind an upturned bed, suspended against mid-air. There is a dull fizzle from inside the building.

32 - INT 25 - ANOTHER DISUSED FACTORY - CONT.

Jim and Jade return to find seven dwarfs picking bits of broken glass and stuff out of the soles of their feet. One of the dwarves has dominoes for feet. The dots add up to 18.

The dwarves stand up and clear away the debris; dust away the clouds of dust from the entrance to the tunnel. We track through and into:

33 - INT 26 - WHITE CELL - DAY

PAUL MCGANN with long grey hair and a big Russian beard. He wears a white smock. STEW enters from the left of shot carrying a simple Gillette razor. He passes it to McGann who turns to a mirror and begins to shave off the beard.

STEW
(Ewan McGregor)
(stilted like am-dram)
That really is a curious shaped device
you're using, Mr Gillette. I really don't
know how you can cut with it.
Why it is so tiny and thin.

MCGANN
(similarly am-dram)
With this razor, I will change the world.

Enter STEPH JESPER with a clapper board.

STEPH
And cut. Cut. That was beautiful. Beautiful.
See you at rushes. 5 minutes.

New angle as Jim (Tony Head), in white smock, wipes foam from his clean-shaven face.

STEW
What's wrong, Jim?

JIM
Something's not right.
Like I've forgotten what I was doing...

STEW
I'm sure it'll all come flooding back.

JIM
Yes. Of course! The flood.

STEW
The flood?

JIM
Yes. You remember.

STEW
That was years ago. The only one who remembers
that is the old museum curator, and he's on the other
side of the valley.

JIM
Oh. I see.

Cut to:

34 - EXT 21 - GRASS VERGE OUTSIDE A MODERN CHURCH - DAY

Jim (in full Prisoner garb) walks with OMRA (no age make-up) along a grass verge (we don't see the church at first).

OMRA
(Matthew Perry)
You should come along,
it's really cool. And I mean
she's... she's really hot.

JIM
You want me to come with you
to the church because you fancy the vicar?

OMRA
Yes.

They enter the church.

35 - INT 27 - MODERN CHURCH - DAY

Jim finds somewhere to sit.

MINISTER
(Liza Tarbuck)
Psalm 23: The Lord is my shepherd;
I shall not want. He maketh me
to lie down in green pastures:
he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me
in the path of the righteous, beset
on all sides by the inequities of the selfish
and the tyranny of the evil.
Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil,
for he is truly his brother's keeper
and the finder of lost children.

During that bit, a little black girl wants to sit down, so Jim gives up his seat, making a little disturbance in the process.

MINISTER
(directed with great wrath at Jim)
And I will strike down upon thee,
with great vengeance and furious anger,
those who attempt to poison
and destroy my brother.
And you will know my name is the Lord,
when I lay my finger upon thee.

Jim looks at her, disapprovingly, as she puts a needle to a 78 rpm record.
It plays at 45rpm.
A change of shot shows us that Jim and the Minister are alone in the church with the 78.

JIM
Where did it come from?

MINISTER
The museum.

JIM
Could you take me there?

MINISTER
You could tag along with my youth group.

36 - EXT 22 - SCARBOROUGH - DAY

Jim (carrying a hold-all bag) follows the Minister and the seven dwarves through Scarborough.
In the background, the Tindersticks and a Mayor can be seen amongst a crowd of people outside a swimming pool.

Jim stops at a bookmakers when he sees Babysham betting on the outcome of OU films of science experiments. We are distracted from this as one of the dwarves picks Jim's bag and takes some dictaphone tapes. It is the one with domino feet.

JIM
Hey!

DWARF
I'm Mel Sterland.

JIM
Oh. I'm sorry. I should've given you these
straight after the explosion. I never thought.

The dwarf is happy at possessing the tapes.
While this was going on, the more observant of us may have noticed that Bhuvana (in '70s beady English teacher attire) was on the OU film. But it was only a split second shot in the background.
After the altercation, Jim looks up, but Babysham has gone.

37 - EXT 23 - A DESANCTIFIED CINEMA IN DARNALL - AFTERNOON

Dwarves exit the castellated cinema in twos, holding hands. After each pair, the door shuts then reopens. Jim exits third, with the Mel Sterland dwarf. The minister exits last, on her own.

38 - EXT 24 - TERRACED HOUSE IN DARNALL - CONT.

Jim and the dwarf walk up the road to a terraced house. The dwarf enters through the door, but Jim walks into a full length glass pane across the left of the entrance.

39 - INT 28 - TERRACED HOUSE IN DARNALL - CONT.

Jim rubs his nose, and climbs the stairs alone. Across the landing, Mel Sterland (the real one) is up a ladder painting the ceiling. Through clever fake perspective trickery, the ceiling height at the top of the stairs, where Jim is, is only a foot off the floor, while for Mel there is plenty of room.
Jim crawls along the floor towards a jar of paint. In it is a struggling moth. Jim dips his hand in and retrieves the moth. He puts it in his bag and crawls towards a sky light.

40 - EXT 24 - TERRACED HOUSE IN DARNALL - NIGHT

Jim climbs out of the skylight. He looks tired. Close up of him as he wipes the sweat from his brow. Pull out to reveal:

41 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - NIGHT

Jim allows himself to fall backwards to the floor, conked out. Jade is already asleep a yard or so away.

Enter Alan, waving his paperwork.

ALAN
I've got a lead!

Cut to closing titles (white on black this week).

[[INSET SEQUENCE:

CAPTION ABOVE INSET: "Next Episode:"

Montage of shots from scenes 4:15, 4:17, and 4:19, shewing some sort of black mass assembly in a theatre. Finally, from 4:25, a character in a scary carved wooden mask of a stylised demon mouse, staring at camera. Flame effect engulfs the inset which dissolves.

END INSET SEQUENCE]]

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