1 - INT 29 - GOTHIC CRYPT - NIGHT

Darkness.

[CAPS]

As we pull out and track, we see that we're in a dark crypt illuminated by great big candles.

[CAPS]

We skulk about.

[CAPS]

As we get our bearings we notice a coffin in the centre.

[CAPS]

Creepy.

[CAPS]

We approach the coffin, and see that there is no lid.

[CAPS]

Babysham rises from the coffin, vampirically.

[CAPS]

Babysham turns his head to face in our direction, but he is looking at BHUVANA who steps past the camera with her back to us. She wears all white, like Hopkirk.
We cut to a shot of Bhuvana, who creepily shushes Babysham (reverse footage a la Twin Peaks).

[CAPS]

She tilts her head and says, quietly:

[CAPS]

She grins at Babysham, puts her hand on his shoulder, moves her head to his ear, makes to whisper, and in her best Billy Cotton voice, shouts:

Accompanying which, we see a very high speed summary of Jim's adventures in the mind of Babysham. Cut (with slight post-lap) to:

2 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - THURSDAY

Babysham opens his eyes, suddenly, and we up the brightness to reveal a glorious day. Babysham is sat bolt upright; unmoving. We do the obligatory scene-setting strange-bed-in-an-early-morning stuff. So I guess that means that Jade should come in and open the curtains. But no. Hah. No. Cos it's a blind.
She opens it from a seated position on the floor under the window. She's down there playing blackjack (the crazy eights variety) with Alan. As the blind opens, it spills light over Babysham's face. Babysham does not react in any way. Then:

As he rolls his head, a la Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, Alan responds:

Babysham looks a little insanely at Alan.

Alan shrugs.

Babysham stretches his arm and fingers out, a la Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.

That's a satisfied mmm. Slight smile. He relaxes.

Babysham looks into himself (upwards a bit)...

Alan nods.

3 - INT 30 - THE FAT CAT CORRIDOR - EARLY EVENING

Babysham is sat at the table, eating a huge chunk of bread from a plate of leafery. Jade is pushing around some processed peas opposite him. Alan is sat on the stairs, looking through an A to Z and some photocopied papers.
Babysham has his pernod/lemonade. Jade has some Russian lager. Alan has a pint of something brown and sticky.

Steve Buscemi (this week with short peroxide hair) squeezes past Alan, down the stairs. He looks pissed off with Alan but says nothing. He goes into the box-bar round the corner.

4 - INT 1 - MARTY'S OFFICE - NIGHT

Marty. All pacey.
The three stand at the doorway.

Alan hands Marty some photocopies which Marty studies.

Marty unlocks his desk drawer and pulls out an old-style 5" floppy disc.

5 - EXT 25 - HYDE PARK FLATS - FRIDAY, NOONISH

Establish shot with Parkway in foreground. Perhaps sped up.

6 - INT 31 - HYDE PARK FLATS (STAIRS / LANDING) - FRIDAY, NOONISH

Babysham walking up the stairs and along a corridor to a flat with a good number; ideally 50. If it is not real it should be aptly invented. He knocks. There is a delay for us to look around a bit. Then the door cracks open, and a tatty-headed Letitia, in full (slept-in) make-up, pokes her head around.

7 - INT 32 - LETITIA'S FLAT - CONT.

It's very white, but not excessively moddish. There's a church font in the centre of the room, painted in white gloss. The bowl of the font is full of fruit. Around the font is an angular settee, covered in purple and black drapery. At the back of the flat is a kitchen area. To the near right of the flat are some glass shelves draped with gauze and plastic grape vine a la Zool's refurbishment of Dana's apartment in Ghostbusters. Any other decor is '80s bohemian.
Letitia wears her black kimono thing.

As he says this, a white cat leaps up at Babysham from somewhere unseen, and claws at his head.

She rips the cat from Babysham's face. The cat maintains the shape of Babysham's head as it is carried away on Letitia's shoulder.

As she speaks, she opens the fridge, removes a pair of classy slippers and a bottle of red wine, and then slings the cat in there, before shutting the fridge door on it.
She seamlessly dons the slippers as she crosses the kitchen for a pair of stained-glass goblets.

She's poured the wine out and handed Babysham a glass, and is now sat on the back of the sofa, with her feet on the seat.

Babysham makes to sit next to her, but she manoeuvres him below her on the seat so that her legs are around him.

Babysham is now forced to carry out the interview from between her thighs.

She slices her neck, and wraps her legs around Babysham in the same action.

She gets up and looks about in various eccentric locations within the flat.

She finds them in a microwave oven.

Babysham is stood in the kitchen, and examines the accounts. All very ordinary looking.

The money is kept in a purse at the back of the freezer.

Babysham takes the money.

There is a buzz at the door. Beat.

Buzz.
She pushes Babysham out of the window (he falls comically out of shot), preens herself and opens the door. Alistair McGowan is there as Sven Goren Eriksson.

Half of which we might get from the following position:

8 - EXT 25 - HYDE PARK FLATS - 1:08 pm

Babysham dangles from a window. There is no fire-escape or anything. Just a slight edge made from plastic-coated metal sheet-cladding. Babysham's position is far from sound as Sven enters the room (seen through the window and intercut with the previous scene setting).

She tosses the glasses into the sink behind her back.

The cladding is starting to pull away from the concrete of the building, taking Babysham with it.

From within the flat we hear the sound of falling Babysham. Beat.

He goes to look.

As he says this, he produces a small box and opens it. It contains diamond ear-rings.

Buzz.

But Letitia has already peered through the spy-hole in the door and opened it on a rather tattered and broken Babysham. He shows her his Rhino Card and speaks in detective cockney.

He sees Sven.

Feel that Swedish inflection on outside. Mmmm.

Babysham nods. Next two lines near simultaneous:

Sven drifts out of the door and dashes away. Beat.

Letitia shuts the door on the camera. Fade to black and mix to:

9 - INT 32 - LETITIA'S FLAT - SATURDAY MORNING

A bedside flip-digit clock flicks over to 15:00, and a radio flicks on.

A brown-bandaged arm reaches across and sweeps the clock-radio off the table.
Longer shot to reveal Babysham alone in Letitia's appropriately gothic bedroom. Very similar feel to the opening shot of this episode. Babysham realises that he's alone.

Cut to the main part of the flat as Babysham looks about for Letitia. She isn't there. He shrugs and picks up a glass to pour himself a drink. He opens the fridge and the cat leaps out sending him backwards into the sink.

Wipe RL to:

10 - EXT 26 - ATTERCLIFFE CEMETERY - LATE AFTERNOON

Jade and Alan sit on a tomb, waiting for Babysham. The Adelphi Theatre can be seen in the background. Jade and Alan both wear jeans and red tops of some description. Alan wears a red fleece and has a small backpack.
Jade checks her watch.

Babysham comes climbing up the bank from the pillbox. He looks tired and battered.

He wipes his neck, which aches a little. Alan does a told-you-so look for Jade.

He points to two dots of blood on Babysham's neck.

11 - EXT 27 - ADELPHI THEATRE, ATTERCLIFFE - EVENING

A limo pulls up outside and out step an anonymous couple in dinner-dress. They chatter and as they approach the front doors, they raise the hoods of white cowls they are also wearing.
Two bouncers in children's mouse masks man the doors.

We follow them in.

12 - INT 33 - ADELPHI LOBBY - CONT.

HSE-busting flaming torches line the walls of the lobby. Rachmaninov plays through the tannoy. White-cowled figures mill about, invariably in pairs (except one holding a tray). Candelabras. Blood-red carpet. Two red banners emblazoned with the mouse pentangle from the Ep1 animation are erected at either side of the set. The figure with the tray approaches. On it are anonymous hors d'ourves.

A hand takes one as we track away and through the lobby into:

13 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

It's a desanctified cinema, but we're after a classic theatre setting, so if the real Adelphi is inappropriate, we'll steal the Lyceum or some-such. We need boxes along the side walls, see. There is no seating at all, and where the gods might be is the projection room. The venue is ill-kept and dusty. The stage is decked out all gothic with hints of Indiana Jones II, and the obligatory nazi-style banners. As we look about at the milling crowds and architecture, we focus on the projection room.

14 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

Babysham is peering through the tiny window at the throng gathered below. Alan and Jade are further back. It's very dusty with the occasional pigeon. It's a barely used loft area. Alan tosses (in a plastic bag) a baguette full of red cheddar to Babysham from the rucksack. Jade has one already and is beginning to chew on it. She is perched on a desk or something, with Alan lower and to the left of shot.

Below, in Interior 34, the crowds are gathering and are beginning to chant: Bass at first with a Volga Boat Song sort of thing going on, as is statutory requirement in such situations. Over this we begin to build what will eventually turn out to be a slow and chantier version of the Organmice song from Bagpuss. But in Latin, obviously. I don't know what the Latin for "we will mend it, we will fix it" is, but that's why we employ researchers. High pitched singing gradually enters to complete the gag.

We dwell on this entry for a while, and occasionally watch Babysham et al. Alan starts studying Mayburn's accounts as he eats.

15 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

As they sing, they arrange themselves into pairs in the hall; the couples they came in as. They're all still hooded. As the chanting reaches its climax, the cowled figure called Lauren (not Laverne) takes to the stage. The chanting ceases abruptly.

Tumultuous rapture.

Enter a figure in a grey-black cloak and white-plumed tricorn. He wears a black highwayman's mask. He takes to the podium. He is not the tallest person.
He takes his place behind a lectern bearing an ancient open book covered in demonic script. He bangs with a gavel.

Cut back to:

16 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

Where Michael's speech is barely audible. Babysham has his ear to the wall. Alan, leant against the back wall, looks up from the accounts. Some half completed memory stirs in his noggin.

17 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

Lauren passes through the crowd with a bowl of blood and a tray of cheeses. She gives each person a cheese, and smears blood on the unseen foreheads.
Three other minions do the same at the other three corners of the throng.

18 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

19 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

As they take their cheese, each member recites one of the following:

When all of the congregation has taken cheese:

He takes off his mask to reveal himself to be none other than celebrity auctioneer Michael Hogben.
Lauren lowers her hood to reveal herself as Lauren Harries, the fame-obsessed transsexual, of Wogan fame.
Members of the crowd are mostly TV antiques experts plucked from Roadshow, Bargain Hunt, Flog It, and every spin-off and rip-off thereof.
Some of the women in the crowd are over-glamourous. Some are obviously men in drag. Some are just normal wives. Some are just normal experts.

20 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

Alan and Babysham compete for the window.

21 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

Note - Occasionally, throughout the next sequence, through to the arrival of the knives, we will keep cutting to a shadowy figure watching from one of the boxes. His eyes glint yellow. He enjoys the show. The suggestion is that it may be Satan himself.

Meanwhile, chanting:

A gilt cage is lowered over the stage, in which Jilly Gouldon, dressed a la Leia in 'Jedi', struggles impotently. The chanting continues.
Shot of the projection room window, to see bits of all three faces peering aghast.

The Throng now perform the chant of the Ewoks worshipping C3PO.
From the back of the crowd, a stereotypical friesian cow is brought forth by white-cowled minions, up through a central aisle. Half way along it should urinate or defecate or both (as it walks).  The cow is led up to the stage and placed in some sort of restraining stall that has been erected below Jilly. The cow's arse faces the throng. The chanting continues, along with more demonic Organmousing.

Michael has donned rubber gloves. He lathers them from a bowl of soapy water in a gothic font. He gestures before the crowd, arm aloft.

The chanting increases intensity as Michael inserts his hand into the cow's bottom. Lauren brings a golden bowl and uses it to catch cheese that Michael brings forth from the bovine rectum.

After a sufficient amount of cheese is collected, Lauren dutifully removes the glove from Michael's hand. Michael then scoops up some cheese up and raises it high over his head. The chanting abruptly ceases.

The cage is lowered a little further, so that Michael may offer the cheese to Jilly. Jilly, half-starved, eats the less than solid framage, gratefully and a little wildly. This is met by cheering. Half drowned by the throng:

The cage is hoisted up, dramatically and at pace, out of shot. Jilly squeals. The cow moos. It drops through a trapdoor.
The stall's side walls are wheeled off by minions. The back wall is rotated to reveal, strapped to it like a knife-thrower's wife, Letitia. She has been gagged and covered in ceremonial blood. She wears a sheer, shiny red dress of a similar style to Zool from Ghostbusters.
Michael stands at the lectern with his gavel and the ancient open book covered in demonic script.

22 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

Babysham looking on.

Tim Wonnacott is stood at the back wall with his arms around Alan and Jade. He holds a gun in his right hand, which is pointed at Babysham, and another gun in his left, which is pointed at Jade.

23 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

24 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.

He puts his hands up. Two minions come to tend to Alan and Jade, as Tim approaches Babysham and slaps him, just like a nazi might.
Babysham twitches his shoulder and a pair of laser guns flick up on angle-poise arms from out of the back of his coat. But the arms are bent and broken. One of the guns falls off and onto the floor. Tim bashes the other aside and it weakly flops back. Tim slaps again, with the other hand. As they're led away:

25 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.

He bangs the gavel with one hand and slams the book shut with the other. He turns to face Letitia, then pulls from beneath his hat an elaborate wooden mask of some sort of demonic mouse creature. He takes a ceremonial knife from Lauren and slits his thumb. He then walks over to Letitia and draws on her, with the blood, a set of whiskers and a button nose.

He steps back to the lectern, where three ceremonial knives are now laid. As he turns his back on Letitia, the board on which Letitia is tethered begins to spin at a modest pace.

The crowd begin to chant "A Mouse Lived in a Windmill in Old Amsterdam" in as demonic an arrangement as possible, as Michael proceeds to carry out his knife-throwing act on Letitia. Usual dramatic near-misses. Catching the material of her dress, etc.

After which, the board slows pace and rests with Letitia upside down. The knife in the skirt prevents it from falling down.

Dramatic smoke rises from all sides. The place is full of smoke. The figure from the box rises from the smoke at the back of the theatre and walks purposefully along the aisle and towards the stage. The figure has orange-red skin, and goat's legs; rams horns and yellow eyes. He is naked but for his fur and big hair. As he comes through the smoke, we see that it is the same person as was in the box. It is David Dickinson.

The throng are on their knees and chanting quietly and ominously. David mounts the steps to the stage. He approaches Letitia. With his body blocking the view, he partly peels back the skirt and puts his head in the gap. His head wobbles about as his clawed hands run across Letitia's torso and legs. As he does this, the crowd become wilder in their music, reaching a climax. Letitia's eyes go all wobbly. And suddenly the crowd fall silent, as David steps back from his supper and turns to face the crowd.

He beats his chest and the raucous chanting returns. Perhaps there's an organ in all this too.
Letitia is swooning. David pulls one of the knives from the board (not the skirt one) and uses it to cut Letitia's bonds. She falls into his arms, tearing her skirt into a mini. He removes her gag and they kiss passionately as dry ice fills the set again. They descend down the trap-lift as the smoke consumes all. Chanting ceases.
An organ riff introduces the next sequence:
Tim and his minions force our three heroes on stage. They have been bound in green garden string. Tim now carries a gun which we may recognise as Buffy. Michael has ditched the mask.

Tim aims Buffy at Babysham and fires, but the cannon nozzle is bent, and the beam comes out at an angle. He fires a long sustained shot, supposedly across the three prisoners. What actually happens is that he kills Lauren outright in a massive splat of head-flesh (out of Tim's view), kills two minions in equally gory fashion, hits Michael slightly but hits the metalwork of the lectern, which saves Michael but rebounds to hit Tim himself. This all happens much more quickly than it takes to describe. Tim and Michael both fall to the floor. Our three heroes also dive to the floor during the fire.

Babysham dusts himself off and snaps his string bindings. Actually, he probably does that the other way round.
Then he sticks his finger in Tim's cauterised wound, for fun.

Michael writhes in agony on the floor.

He reaches inside his coat.

But Babysham's drawn a gun from his coat and is pointing it at Michael's head.

No-one puts their hands up.

Suddenly, without warning, the Jilly cage crashes down onto Babysham's head, knocking him out as he turns to look. Two fresh minions snap into place to restrain Alan and Jade. Michael picks himself up and takes Babysham's gun. He holds it to Babysham's head like he's on the front of the Reservoir Dogs video.
The crowd perform a vocal version of the Handel Sarabande from Barry Lyndon. For the first chords we have a crane shot up the theatre, surveying the scene. Then a tracking shot at stage level, which mixes to:

26 - EXT 28 - BLACKBURN MEADOWS SEWAGE WORKS - SUNDAY

With the Sarabande continuing over. We pan and show the scene. It should seem as hot and dusty as possible, and as isolated as possible. The three prisoners lay incapacitated on the floor. Michael continues to stand over them in the same stance as before, but now he's dressed in more familliar garb (inc. tasteless pale-blue hawaiian shirt). Lots of tracking and helicopter shots. Nice and cinematic. It should be a while before we reveal the cooling towers and finally Tinsley viaduct in the background. Traffic noise. (Note - The Sarabande continues until Walsh leaves.)

An LDV Parcelforce van trundles up into the scene. We watch it. It comes up and stops. Out steps Postman Walsh (William Hurt) carrying a c.10" square cardboard box and a clipboard. His pet cat, Hedgehog, can be seen on the dashboard, being all cute.
Walsh puts the parcel on the floor between Michael and Babysham.

Babysham signs the clipboard.
Walsh returns to the van and drives away.

Some sewage-churning machinery in the background begins to whirr. In the background, we might espy a few police cars / vans coming over the bottom deck of the viaduct, but it shouldn't be obvious and the cars aren't lit / sirened.

Michael leans against the railings of the main holding pit, and we get his POV of the sewage gurgling about down there. He seems in thought.

He ushers them off towards the cooling towers. We might catch more glimpses of the police.

27 - INT(ISH) 35 - COOLING TOWER - DAY

The three captives hobble through the V struts at the base of one of the towers. The towers aren't active any more, but let's have them full of condensation anyway. So plenty of water raining down around the edges. Maintain use of helicopters etc. for camera work.

Michael is very heavy handed in the handling of the hostages and pushes Babysham into the others so that they all fall to the floor.
Michael, being nearer to the edge, is getting wettest.

Alan cringes as Babysham tries to open the box, but it is well taped and he is having difficulty.
Babysham stares at the box, creating a blue spot of laser light on it, and the packing tape begins to smoulder and melt. This offers a greater purchase, and Babysham is able to tear the top clean away.

Through the struts, we see flashing police cars and vans sweeping in around the area.

Polystyrene figures of eight, and those yellow crisp-like things you don't seem to get anymore, gush out as Babysham pulls up a small jade box, styled exactly like the box in the boring '80s kids drama thing Box of Delights. So about 6" long, 4" deep and 3 or 4" tall.

Police (armed and not, including Marty, Moody and Spillaine (in a neck brace)) rush up to the tower.

Michael moves his gun to Jade.

Babysham has a wry expression on his face and a glint in his blue eye as he opens the box. Jade pushes Alan into the ground.
High shot, craning through the water, as a blinding light fills the cooling tower.

28 - EXT 28 - BLACKBURN MEADOWS SEWAGE WORKS (& ENVIRONS) - DAY

A huge flash (and wind) spews from the struttage of the cooling tower and engulfs the police and our shot. It blows away the struts of the tower, but the tower doesn't fall in this shot.
A beam cannons out of the top of the cooling tower, which is now beginning to crumple and disintegrate. As it's structure melts away into rubble, a huge white wind sweeps across the viaduct.
The second tower explodes, without much pressure.
The viaduct buckles like a bridge in an earthquake, raising up on the sewage works side. Cars are blown off the decks and go crashing into the glass roofs of Meadowhall.
All this action happens fairly quickly, and then we fade to black to run the credits. The closing theme music is replaced with the sound of an analogue radio being tuned through the stations. We catch snippets of the following songs (plus some French conversation, and an Asian phone-in):
Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded By the Light
Fountains of Wayne - Radiation Vibe
Suede - Stay Together
Nusrat Fatah Ali Kahn - Allah Hoo Allah Hoo
JS Bach - Brandenberg Concerto No.3
Helena's Box - Three Babychams and I'm Yours
Prokofiev - Troika
Eddie Cochran - Three Steps to Heaven
Blondie - Atomic
Ian Dury and the Blockheads - Profoundly in Love with Pandora.

Having produced the credits, we should select the most irritating point at which to fade in a continuity announcer (divined by ballot), and fade him/her in at said point to say:

At the same time as that, the credits themselves are squeezed into a tiny strip down the left quarter of the screen and we are treated to scenes from the next programme, which is a stage-play about three men in a deserted pit village.