1 - INT 29 - GOTHIC CRYPT - NIGHT
As we pull out and track, we see that we're in a dark crypt illuminated by great big candles.
We skulk about.
As we get our bearings we notice a coffin in the centre.
We approach the coffin, and see that there is no lid.
Babysham rises from the coffin, vampirically.
Babysham turns his head to face in our direction, but he is looking
at BHUVANA who steps past the camera with her back to us. She wears all
white, like Hopkirk.
We cut to a shot of Bhuvana, who creepily shushes Babysham (reverse footage a la Twin Peaks).
She tilts her head and says, quietly:
Sdrawkcab dneb smra ym semitemos.
She grins at Babysham, puts her hand on his shoulder, moves her head to his ear, makes to whisper, and in her best Billy Cotton voice, shouts:
Accompanying which, we see a very high speed summary of Jim's adventures in the mind of Babysham. Cut (with slight post-lap) to:
2 - INT 5 - BABYSHAM'S FLAT - THURSDAY
Babysham opens his eyes, suddenly, and we up the brightness to
a glorious day. Babysham is sat bolt upright; unmoving. We do the
scene-setting strange-bed-in-an-early-morning stuff. So I guess that
that Jade should come in and open the curtains. But no. Hah. No. Cos
She opens it from a seated position on the floor under the window. She's down there playing blackjack (the crazy eights variety) with Alan. As the blind opens, it spills light over Babysham's face. Babysham does not react in any way. Then:
As he rolls his head, a la Mitchum in Night of the Hunter, Alan responds:
Yeah, Jim installed Linux on you.
Babysham looks a little insanely at Alan.
Is that safe?
Babysham stretches his arm and fingers out, a la Mitchum in Night of the Hunter.
That's a satisfied mmm. Slight smile. He relaxes.
Anything happened while I was out?
Alan's found your Mouseman's Guild.
They meet regularly in Attercliffe.
The next one should be October the second
if I've worked my Babylonian calendar out properly.
October the second. October the second...
And today is...
Babysham looks into himself (upwards a bit)...
You had quite a nap.
So I did.
Jim said you'd be out for a while.
Canny of him.
So what were you up to while I lied in?
Oh, the usual. Sorting things out
with the neighbours. That sort of thing.
So everything clear with the police then?
Tomy's admitted to murder.
Nobody's seen Letitia though.
Wanted for traffic offences.
Odd woman. Melodramatic type.
Why are you here, anyway?
You and I know there's more to this.
Yes. The Mousey Men.
Well I'm as keen as you to find out what Eugene was up to.
So you're nosey.
He owed me money.
Mm. He's got plenty.
The guy was loaded.
I'm sure we can sort something out
with Letitia when she turns up again.
What do you mean, loaded?
I mean he was filthy rich.
Why he was borrowing money from
you is as yet unclear.
Some sort of accounting rouse?
Could be... It was the same amount of money
as he was meant to be paying to the blackmailers.
Dunno if that's significant, though. And Letitia knew
of no box. Not one that stood out at any rate.
He never bought her one or anything.
Which all makes me even more curious
as to what Eugene was playing at.
Thought it might.
She been staying here?
No, no... Well... Yes.
Someone had to keep an eye on you.
Could... Alan not do that?
He lives here after all?
Well I could hardly go to her place
if I'm meant to be watching you.
Oh, I see. You're fucking, are you?
He's old enough to have delivered you, you know.
He's not been using his hooter like a cock again, has he?
Cos he gets these sneezing fits...
We're not fucking.
She's been teaching me cards.
Oh, sweet Jesus in a swizzle-stick.
Who's for breakfast?
It's half past six in the evening.
In that case the pubs'll be open.
3 - INT 30 - THE FAT CAT CORRIDOR - EARLY EVENING
Babysham is sat at the table, eating a huge chunk of bread from a
of leafery. Jade is pushing around some processed peas opposite him.
is sat on the stairs, looking through an A to Z and some photocopied
Babysham has his pernod/lemonade. Jade has some Russian lager. Alan has a pint of something brown and sticky.
So we don't have any idea at all where Letitia might live?
We're drawing a consistent blank.
You tried the phone book?
Very much ex-directory.
Well she's rich, isn't she. So I mean...
Only one place she can live in Sheffield, surely?
I checked the Hallam database;
if she's there, its under a different name.
Steve Buscemi (this week with short peroxide hair) squeezes past Alan, down the stairs. He looks pissed off with Alan but says nothing. He goes into the box-bar round the corner.
There's one avenue we could still pursue.
Mayburn's address book.
Yes. I'd thought about that.
But presumably we haven't been able to get hold of it?
I asked Helen about it.
She said it was bagged up already.
Any idea where?
They've got a store room for evidence.
But we can't get into it.
It's pretty high security.
And Marty can't get it for us?
Marty's a bit pissed off with you still.
4 - INT 1 - MARTY'S OFFICE - NIGHT
I'm a bit pissed off with you still.
Marty. All pacey.
The three stand at the doorway.
What do you want it for, anyway?
You realise, I'm sure, that Mr Mayburn
was trying to run a business. And now that
he's no longer with us, that burden has fallen
to his financial associate, Ms Faraday here.
Alan hands Marty some photocopies which Marty studies.
The address book's surely of no evidential
significance now that Tomy's admitted to the murder?
It's the only copy of his business contacts, so the shop's
pretty screwed without it. If I'm to re-open on Monday,
and keep fiscally solvent, I'll need that book.
Marty unlocks his desk drawer and pulls out an old-style 5" floppy disc.
Address book. Well a police copy.
Good to see the police force keeping up with
the heady pace of technology, Marty.
5 - EXT 25 - HYDE PARK FLATS - FRIDAY, NOONISH
Establish shot with Parkway in foreground. Perhaps sped up.
6 - INT 31 - HYDE PARK FLATS (STAIRS / LANDING) - FRIDAY, NOONISH
Babysham walking up the stairs and along a corridor to a flat with a good number; ideally 50. If it is not real it should be aptly invented. He knocks. There is a delay for us to look around a bit. Then the door cracks open, and a tatty-headed Letitia, in full (slept-in) make-up, pokes her head around.
Well come on in, why don't you?
7 - INT 32 - LETITIA'S FLAT - CONT.
It's very white, but not excessively moddish. There's a church font
in the centre of the room, painted in white gloss. The bowl of the font
is full of fruit. Around the font is an angular settee, covered in
and black drapery. At the back of the flat is a kitchen area. To the
right of the flat are some glass shelves draped with gauze and plastic
grape vine a la Zool's refurbishment of Dana's apartment in
Any other decor is '80s bohemian.
Letitia wears her black kimono thing.
I've been expecting you.
As he says this, a white cat leaps up at Babysham from somewhere unseen, and claws at his head.
<from within the cat>
She rips the cat from Babysham's face. The cat maintains the shape of Babysham's head as it is carried away on Letitia's shoulder.
Bad cat. Naughty.
He's just trying to be friendly, I'm sure.
The darling thing's psychotic.
He likes to play with eyeballs.
I've come for a little chat.
I've been expecting you. No, I said that.
What did you want to chat about?
As she speaks, she opens the fridge, removes a pair of classy
and a bottle of red wine, and then slings the cat in there, before
the fridge door on it.
She seamlessly dons the slippers as she crosses the kitchen for a pair of stained-glass goblets.
Just a few more things I could
do with clarifying, regards Eugene.
Oh, not old Eugene again.
Well I suppose it's to be expected.
She's poured the wine out and handed Babysham a glass, and is now sat on the back of the sofa, with her feet on the seat.
I was still a bit unclear on the mechanics
of your relationship with him.
Babysham makes to sit next to her, but she manoeuvres him below her on the seat so that her legs are around him.
Honey, you'd better sit down there.
Otherwise we might topple.
I don't think I could stand that.
Not so early in the morning.
Babysham is now forced to carry out the interview from between her thighs.
You married Eugene for money, yes?
But you didn't live together.
You just had free run of his bank account.
That's right. That was the arrangement.
In exchange all I had to do was attend
the odd antiques function with him.
A-huh. What about Tomy?
I met Tomy long before I met Eugene,
back when I was a performance artiste
at Ralf Mimsell's.
He became very attached to me.
He was the type to jealous easy.
Which was very flattering at first
but after a while just downright tedious.
He hated Eugene. Saw him as an obstacle.
And that was that. Cyck...
She slices her neck, and wraps her legs around Babysham in the same action.
Er... you mentioned that you saw
your husband's account details regularly.
May I take a look?
Hmm? Sure. They're round here somewhere...
She gets up and looks about in various eccentric locations within the flat.
Let me see, now... I had them...
She finds them in a microwave oven.
Safe keeping. Here you go.
Babysham is stood in the kitchen, and examines the accounts. All very ordinary looking.
May I borrow them?
Help yourself. You want your money too?
The money is kept in a purse at the back of the freezer.
You know, I really admire your filing system.
Oh this isn't me. I have a woman come round.
Babysham takes the money.
There is a buzz at the door. Beat.
What time is it?
Shit. Shit shit shit.
You'd better hide.
Out the window!
She pushes Babysham out of the window (he falls comically out of shot), preens herself and opens the door. Alistair McGowan is there as Sven Goren Eriksson.
Sven! Won't you come in?
Half of which we might get from the following position:
8 - EXT 25 - HYDE PARK FLATS - 1:08 pm
Babysham dangles from a window. There is no fire-escape or anything. Just a slight edge made from plastic-coated metal sheet-cladding. Babysham's position is far from sound as Sven enters the room (seen through the window and intercut with the previous scene setting).
Letitia. I, I've missed you so very much
these last few weeks. Where have you been?
Oh, honey. I was... otherwise engaged.
She tosses the glasses into the sink behind her back.
But, you could have telephone me, yes?
Darling, I wanted to so much.
It simply wasn't possible.
It came up so suddenly.
My beautiful Letitia. I need you so very badly.
You are like a fabulous glittering rose that
has stabbed my heart with its thorn and given
me the lock jaw; agape am I at your wondrous magnificence.
That's... so beautifully put, honeypot.
The cladding is starting to pull away from the concrete of the building, taking Babysham with it.
Let us perhaps be making passionate love here and now?
From within the flat we hear the sound of falling Babysham. Beat.
What was that?
I'm not sure. Perhaps...
You don't think it was a paparazzo?
Oh, dear lord...
He goes to look.
Perhaps you'd better go.
I don't see anything. I am thinking
perhaps that it is just the cats or something?
We can't be too careful.
Perhaps you are right,
but is it not so bad to live
a little dangerously every
now and again? After all,
what more can the papers do
to me that they have not already
in this regard? Yes?
I think we'd better play it safe.
This is such a shame.
I was hoping so much that we might
play our little game this afternoon.
As he says this, he produces a small box and opens it. It contains diamond ear-rings.
I've told you before;
I'm too young for diamonds.
The door! Who could this be?
Wait. Let me hide.
But Letitia has already peered through the spy-hole in the door and opened it on a rather tattered and broken Babysham. He shows her his Rhino Card and speaks in detective cockney.
Afternoon, madam. DCI Babysham.
Had reports of a prowler in the area.
Don't mind if I take a look do you?
No no... Come in, do...
Tall fella he is. Grey hair. Accent.
Looks a bit like Professor Yaffle
from Bagpuss. Not seen him have you?
He sees Sven.
...Only he's very dangerous. Evening, sir...
No account should he be approached.
Might I ask your name, sir?
And your reasons for being here,
if you wouldn't mind, sir.
Come along, sir. Not that difficult.
Well I'm Sven Goren Eriksson, the England manager.
Pull the other one, sir.
No, really I am.
And what kind of car do you drive, Mr Eriksson?
If you don't mind my asking...
Well I... a... a navy blue Saab Turbo.
I see, sir. Supposing I told you...
Supposing I told you that your car was outside...
Would that surprise you, sir?
No. It is outside.
Feel that Swedish inflection on outside. Mmmm.
And supposing I told you it was on bricks
right now and being used by the local kids
as an impromptu bouncy castle...
Would that also surprise you?
Being used as a bouncy-castle?
Babysham nods. Next two lines near simultaneous:
Excuse me, please...
Go ahead and check.
Sven drifts out of the door and dashes away. Beat.
And don't come back!
There's a dangerous prowler on the loose!
Now then, where were we?
Letitia shuts the door on the camera. Fade to black and mix to:
9 - INT 32 - LETITIA'S FLAT - SATURDAY MORNING
A bedside flip-digit clock flicks over to 15:00, and a radio flicks on.
...urday the second of October,
and you're listening to the voice of...
A brown-bandaged arm reaches across and sweeps the clock-radio off
Longer shot to reveal Babysham alone in Letitia's appropriately gothic bedroom. Very similar feel to the opening shot of this episode. Babysham realises that he's alone.
Cut to the main part of the flat as Babysham looks about for Letitia. She isn't there. He shrugs and picks up a glass to pour himself a drink. He opens the fridge and the cat leaps out sending him backwards into the sink.
Wipe RL to:
10 - EXT 26 - ATTERCLIFFE CEMETERY - LATE AFTERNOON
Jade and Alan sit on a tomb, waiting for Babysham. The Adelphi
can be seen in the background. Jade and Alan both wear jeans and red
of some description. Alan wears a red fleece and has a small backpack.
Jade checks her watch.
He's never been good at punctuality.
It's one of his endearing character flaws, apparently.
That and disappearing for long periods of time.
Doubtless he'll turn up, somewhat worse for wear,
with a ridiculous explanation for his lateness.
Speak of the devil...
Babysham comes climbing up the bank from the pillbox. He looks tired and battered.
What took you!?
I... fell out of a window...
hiding from Sven Goren Eriksson...
then ended up sleeping with Letitia Mayburn.
He wipes his neck, which aches a little. Alan does a told-you-so look for Jade.
Only she ran out on me this morning.
Dunno where she ended up.
Waited for a bit but... duty calls, eh?
He points to two dots of blood on Babysham's neck.
Attacked by her bastard cat.
But heh! At least I didn't crash, eh?
I'm such a stud!
Any luck with the names in the address book?
All seem to be perfectly average antiques traders.
None claimed to know anything of a special box of any kind.
Ok. Never mind. I got the accounts by the way.
So where's this cinema?
The Adelphi Gheatre [sic]. It's that thing over there.
Right. Our back entrance still clear?
Was last time I checked.
Ok. Come on.
11 - EXT 27 - ADELPHI THEATRE, ATTERCLIFFE - EVENING
A limo pulls up outside and out step an anonymous couple in
They chatter and as they approach the front doors, they raise the hoods
of white cowls they are also wearing.
Two bouncers in children's mouse masks man the doors.
We follow them in.
12 - INT 33 - ADELPHI LOBBY - CONT.
HSE-busting flaming torches line the walls of the lobby. Rachmaninov plays through the tannoy. White-cowled figures mill about, invariably in pairs (except one holding a tray). Candelabras. Blood-red carpet. Two red banners emblazoned with the mouse pentangle from the Ep1 animation are erected at either side of the set. The figure with the tray approaches. On it are anonymous hors d'ourves.
A hand takes one as we track away and through the lobby into:
13 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
It's a desanctified cinema, but we're after a classic theatre setting, so if the real Adelphi is inappropriate, we'll steal the Lyceum or some-such. We need boxes along the side walls, see. There is no seating at all, and where the gods might be is the projection room. The venue is ill-kept and dusty. The stage is decked out all gothic with hints of Indiana Jones II, and the obligatory nazi-style banners. As we look about at the milling crowds and architecture, we focus on the projection room.
14 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
Babysham is peering through the tiny window at the throng gathered below. Alan and Jade are further back. It's very dusty with the occasional pigeon. It's a barely used loft area. Alan tosses (in a plastic bag) a baguette full of red cheddar to Babysham from the rucksack. Jade has one already and is beginning to chew on it. She is perched on a desk or something, with Alan lower and to the left of shot.
Is it starting yet?
Below, in Interior 34, the crowds are gathering and are beginning to chant: Bass at first with a Volga Boat Song sort of thing going on, as is statutory requirement in such situations. Over this we begin to build what will eventually turn out to be a slow and chantier version of the Organmice song from Bagpuss. But in Latin, obviously. I don't know what the Latin for "we will mend it, we will fix it" is, but that's why we employ researchers. High pitched singing gradually enters to complete the gag.
We dwell on this entry for a while, and occasionally watch Babysham et al. Alan starts studying Mayburn's accounts as he eats.
15 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
As they sing, they arrange themselves into pairs in the hall; the couples they came in as. They're all still hooded. As the chanting reaches its climax, the cowled figure called Lauren (not Laverne) takes to the stage. The chanting ceases abruptly.
Mousemen and Mousewomen;
Pray tumultuous rapture for the Great Mouseman!
Enter a figure in a grey-black cloak and white-plumed tricorn. He
a black highwayman's mask. He takes to the podium. He is not the
He takes his place behind a lectern bearing an ancient open book covered in demonic script. He bangs with a gavel.
In the name of the Butcher, and of the baker...
Cut back to:
16 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
Where Michael's speech is barely audible. Babysham has his ear to the wall. Alan, leant against the back wall, looks up from the accounts. Some half completed memory stirs in his noggin.
I know that voice...
17 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
...The Lord be with you.
And also with you.
Today is a sad occasion. For one of our number
has passed on to the other side of the skirting board.
But it is also a time for great celebration.
Let us pray for the coming of the Kingdom,
as Thomas taught us.
Lauren passes through the crowd with a bowl of blood and a tray of
She gives each person a cheese, and smears blood on the unseen
Three other minions do the same at the other three corners of the throng.
Our Farmer who art in Hades
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come, Thy Will be done
Above as it is Below.
Give us this day our daily Cheese...
18 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
What's going on?
Looks like some sort of cheese-eating ritual.
19 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
As they take their cheese, each member recites one of the following:
Mouse of Satan: grant us wealth.
Mouse of Satan: grant us riches.
Mouse of Satan: grant us happiness.
Mouse of Satan: grant us beauty.
Mouse of Satan: grant us a huge penis.
etc. ad lib
When all of the congregation has taken cheese:
Let us play.
He takes off his mask to reveal himself to be none other than
auctioneer Michael Hogben.
Lauren lowers her hood to reveal herself as Lauren Harries, the fame-obsessed transsexual, of Wogan fame.
Members of the crowd are mostly TV antiques experts plucked from Roadshow, Bargain Hunt, Flog It, and every spin-off and rip-off thereof.
Some of the women in the crowd are over-glamourous. Some are obviously men in drag. Some are just normal wives. Some are just normal experts.
20 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
Alan and Babysham compete for the window.
I thought I recognised his voice...
Who is it?
It's the irritating one off Bargain Hunt.
<moving across to see>
21 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
Note - Occasionally, throughout the next sequence, through to the arrival of the knives, we will keep cutting to a shadowy figure watching from one of the boxes. His eyes glint yellow. He enjoys the show. The suggestion is that it may be Satan himself.
A gilt cage is lowered over the stage, in which Jilly Gouldon,
a la Leia in 'Jedi', struggles impotently. The chanting continues.
Shot of the projection room window, to see bits of all three faces peering aghast.
The Throng now perform the chant of the Ewoks worshipping C3PO.
From the back of the crowd, a stereotypical friesian cow is brought forth by white-cowled minions, up through a central aisle. Half way along it should urinate or defecate or both (as it walks). The cow is led up to the stage and placed in some sort of restraining stall that has been erected below Jilly. The cow's arse faces the throng. The chanting continues, along with more demonic Organmousing.
Michael has donned rubber gloves. He lathers them from a bowl of soapy water in a gothic font. He gestures before the crowd, arm aloft.
The chanting increases intensity as Michael inserts his hand into the cow's bottom. Lauren brings a golden bowl and uses it to catch cheese that Michael brings forth from the bovine rectum.
After a sufficient amount of cheese is collected, Lauren dutifully removes the glove from Michael's hand. Michael then scoops up some cheese up and raises it high over his head. The chanting abruptly ceases.
The cage is lowered a little further, so that Michael may offer the cheese to Jilly. Jilly, half-starved, eats the less than solid framage, gratefully and a little wildly. This is met by cheering. Half drowned by the throng:
Manna from Hell!
The cage is hoisted up, dramatically and at pace, out of shot. Jilly
squeals. The cow moos. It drops through a trapdoor.
The stall's side walls are wheeled off by minions. The back wall is rotated to reveal, strapped to it like a knife-thrower's wife, Letitia. She has been gagged and covered in ceremonial blood. She wears a sheer, shiny red dress of a similar style to Zool from Ghostbusters.
Michael stands at the lectern with his gavel and the ancient open book covered in demonic script.
Lot 6 - 6 - 6...
22 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
Babysham looking on.
Here comes your lot then...
Tim Wonnacott is stood at the back wall with his arms around Alan and Jade. He holds a gun in his right hand, which is pointed at Babysham, and another gun in his left, which is pointed at Jade.
...The fresh young widow.
One careless owner.
Slightly damaged goods, but
nothing that can't be put right, eh?
23 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
Lot of interest on this one.
Starting in the book then at five
thousand. Do I hear six?
Six. Thankyou. Seven. Eight?
24 - INT 35 - PROJECTION ROOM - CONT.
Terry-Thomas. I should've known.
He puts his hands up. Two minions come to tend to Alan and Jade, as
Tim approaches Babysham and slaps him, just like a nazi might.
Babysham twitches his shoulder and a pair of laser guns flick up on angle-poise arms from out of the back of his coat. But the arms are bent and broken. One of the guns falls off and onto the floor. Tim bashes the other aside and it weakly flops back. Tim slaps again, with the other hand. As they're led away:
I told you this was too obvious
a hiding place!
I thought that was the beauty of it.
25 - INT 34 - ADELPHI THEATRE - CONT.
Do I hear sixteen?
Fifteen fivehundred then?
No? Going then...
To the book, for fifteen
thousand pounds... Sold.
He bangs the gavel with one hand and slams the book shut with the other. He turns to face Letitia, then pulls from beneath his hat an elaborate wooden mask of some sort of demonic mouse creature. He takes a ceremonial knife from Lauren and slits his thumb. He then walks over to Letitia and draws on her, with the blood, a set of whiskers and a button nose.
He steps back to the lectern, where three ceremonial knives are now laid. As he turns his back on Letitia, the board on which Letitia is tethered begins to spin at a modest pace.
The crowd begin to chant "A Mouse Lived in a Windmill in Old Amsterdam" in as demonic an arrangement as possible, as Michael proceeds to carry out his knife-throwing act on Letitia. Usual dramatic near-misses. Catching the material of her dress, etc.
After which, the board slows pace and rests with Letitia upside down. The knife in the skirt prevents it from falling down.
Dramatic smoke rises from all sides. The place is full of smoke. The figure from the box rises from the smoke at the back of the theatre and walks purposefully along the aisle and towards the stage. The figure has orange-red skin, and goat's legs; rams horns and yellow eyes. He is naked but for his fur and big hair. As he comes through the smoke, we see that it is the same person as was in the box. It is David Dickinson.
The throng are on their knees and chanting quietly and ominously. David mounts the steps to the stage. He approaches Letitia. With his body blocking the view, he partly peels back the skirt and puts his head in the gap. His head wobbles about as his clawed hands run across Letitia's torso and legs. As he does this, the crowd become wilder in their music, reaching a climax. Letitia's eyes go all wobbly. And suddenly the crowd fall silent, as David steps back from his supper and turns to face the crowd.
<growling straight to camera>
He beats his chest and the raucous chanting returns. Perhaps there's
an organ in all this too.
Letitia is swooning. David pulls one of the knives from the board (not the skirt one) and uses it to cut Letitia's bonds. She falls into his arms, tearing her skirt into a mini. He removes her gag and they kiss passionately as dry ice fills the set again. They descend down the trap-lift as the smoke consumes all. Chanting ceases.
An organ riff introduces the next sequence:
Tim and his minions force our three heroes on stage. They have been bound in green garden string. Tim now carries a gun which we may recognise as Buffy. Michael has ditched the mask.
I found these three in the projection room,
Master. Just as you predicted.
The Grand Mouseman's
predictions are forever accurate.
Hail the Grand Mouseman.
These three you've found; they are not Mice.
But they've seen our sacred Sacrifice.
If they should tell, we would be nought.
Destroy them without second thought!
Tim aims Buffy at Babysham and fires, but the cannon nozzle is bent, and the beam comes out at an angle. He fires a long sustained shot, supposedly across the three prisoners. What actually happens is that he kills Lauren outright in a massive splat of head-flesh (out of Tim's view), kills two minions in equally gory fashion, hits Michael slightly but hits the metalwork of the lectern, which saves Michael but rebounds to hit Tim himself. This all happens much more quickly than it takes to describe. Tim and Michael both fall to the floor. Our three heroes also dive to the floor during the fire.
Babysham dusts himself off and snaps his string bindings. Actually,
he probably does that the other way round.
Then he sticks his finger in Tim's cauterised wound, for fun.
What you did just then was very very naughty.
Michael writhes in agony on the floor.
You'll pay for this!
That's ok. I have money.
He reaches inside his coat.
Seize them, somebody!
But Babysham's drawn a gun from his coat and is pointing it at Michael's head.
Maybe later, eh?
I thought perhaps that we could
discuss Eugene Mayburn. If that's
alright with you, Mr Mouseman?
Mayburn? What of him?
Well it's quite possible he was being
blackmailed. <to crowd:> Hands up
anyone who knows anything about
Mayburn being blackmailed...
No-one puts their hands up.
Well if anything comes to you,
give me a call. The name's
Babysham, and I'm in the book.
It's not a criminal investigation.
I'm just interested. Personal matter.
Ok. Don't suppose you know anything
about a box then? Fifteen grand box
of some kind. Any offers?
I... I... Eugene bought a box here
for fifteen thousand pounds... a...
up there... a theatre box...
A theatre box? Why would he spend
fifteen grand on a theatre box?
For an audience with our Lord.
Himself? You do realise that
Lucifer's a chick, don't you?
Damn nice one too...
Satan. Not Lucifer.
There's a difference?
Oh. So who's Satan then?
Anyone gonna tell me?
He's behind you!
Suddenly, without warning, the Jilly cage crashes down onto
head, knocking him out as he turns to look. Two fresh minions snap into
place to restrain Alan and Jade. Michael picks himself up and takes
gun. He holds it to Babysham's head like he's on the front of the
The crowd perform a vocal version of the Handel Sarabande from Barry Lyndon. For the first chords we have a crane shot up the theatre, surveying the scene. Then a tracking shot at stage level, which mixes to:
26 - EXT 28 - BLACKBURN MEADOWS SEWAGE WORKS - SUNDAY
With the Sarabande continuing over. We pan and show the scene. It should seem as hot and dusty as possible, and as isolated as possible. The three prisoners lay incapacitated on the floor. Michael continues to stand over them in the same stance as before, but now he's dressed in more familliar garb (inc. tasteless pale-blue hawaiian shirt). Lots of tracking and helicopter shots. Nice and cinematic. It should be a while before we reveal the cooling towers and finally Tinsley viaduct in the background. Traffic noise. (Note - The Sarabande continues until Walsh leaves.)
There are more things in Heaven and Hell,
Babysham, than are dreamt in your philosophy.
This lapwing runs away with the shell on his head.
An LDV Parcelforce van trundles up into the scene. We watch it. It
up and stops. Out steps Postman Walsh (William Hurt) carrying a c.10"
cardboard box and a clipboard. His pet cat, Hedgehog, can be seen on
dashboard, being all cute.
Walsh puts the parcel on the floor between Michael and Babysham.
Sign for it.
Babysham signs the clipboard.
Walsh returns to the van and drives away.
Some sewage-churning machinery in the background begins to whirr. In the background, we might espy a few police cars / vans coming over the bottom deck of the viaduct, but it shouldn't be obvious and the cars aren't lit / sirened.
Michael leans against the railings of the main holding pit, and we get his POV of the sewage gurgling about down there. He seems in thought.
Take the parcel and move yourselves.
He ushers them off towards the cooling towers. We might catch more glimpses of the police.
Come on, come on!
27 - INT(ISH) 35 - COOLING TOWER - DAY
The three captives hobble through the V struts at the base of one of the towers. The towers aren't active any more, but let's have them full of condensation anyway. So plenty of water raining down around the edges. Maintain use of helicopters etc. for camera work.
Michael is very heavy handed in the handling of the hostages and
Babysham into the others so that they all fall to the floor.
Michael, being nearer to the edge, is getting wettest.
Open the parcel.
Alan cringes as Babysham tries to open the box, but it is well taped
and he is having difficulty.
Babysham stares at the box, creating a blue spot of laser light on it, and the packing tape begins to smoulder and melt. This offers a greater purchase, and Babysham is able to tear the top clean away.
Through the struts, we see flashing police cars and vans sweeping in around the area.
Try that in this direction and
I'll shoot your cock off.
Now what's inside?
Polystyrene figures of eight, and those yellow crisp-like things you don't seem to get anymore, gush out as Babysham pulls up a small jade box, styled exactly like the box in the boring '80s kids drama thing Box of Delights. So about 6" long, 4" deep and 3 or 4" tall.
Police (armed and not, including Marty, Moody and Spillaine (in a neck brace)) rush up to the tower.
(with a megaphone)
Don't open the box!
Whatever you do,
don't open the box!
Open the box.
Open the box and we'll be forced to shoot!
Michael moves his gun to Jade.
Babysham has a wry expression on his face and a glint in his blue
as he opens the box. Jade pushes Alan into the ground.
High shot, craning through the water, as a blinding light fills the cooling tower.
28 - EXT 28 - BLACKBURN MEADOWS SEWAGE WORKS (& ENVIRONS) - DAY
A huge flash (and wind) spews from the struttage of the cooling
and engulfs the police and our shot. It blows away the struts of the
but the tower doesn't fall in this shot.
A beam cannons out of the top of the cooling tower, which is now beginning to crumple and disintegrate. As it's structure melts away into rubble, a huge white wind sweeps across the viaduct.
The second tower explodes, without much pressure.
The viaduct buckles like a bridge in an earthquake, raising up on the sewage works side. Cars are blown off the decks and go crashing into the glass roofs of Meadowhall.
All this action happens fairly quickly, and then we fade to black to run the credits. The closing theme music is replaced with the sound of an analogue radio being tuned through the stations. We catch snippets of the following songs (plus some French conversation, and an Asian phone-in):
Manfred Mann's Earth Band - Blinded By the Light
Fountains of Wayne - Radiation Vibe
Suede - Stay Together
Nusrat Fatah Ali Kahn - Allah Hoo Allah Hoo
JS Bach - Brandenberg Concerto No.3
Helena's Box - Three Babychams and I'm Yours
Prokofiev - Troika
Eddie Cochran - Three Steps to Heaven
Blondie - Atomic
Ian Dury and the Blockheads - Profoundly in Love with Pandora.
Having produced the credits, we should select the most irritating point at which to fade in a continuity announcer (divined by ballot), and fade him/her in at said point to say:
Crikey! Well I guess I'll have to
find a new way home tonight!!
Well Babysham gets some time off
next week on account of the snooker
coverage here on ATV. But he'll be
back on the case in a fortnight's time!
Next, tonight: Three men get lost
in a deserted pit village in the
Saturday Night Play. That's coming
up after the break, so don't go away!
At the same time as that, the credits themselves are squeezed into a tiny strip down the left quarter of the screen and we are treated to scenes from the next programme, which is a stage-play about three men in a deserted pit village.