ANS11 

[ACT I]

Black screen.
The opening bars of "Sweet Talkin' Guy" by The Chiffons:

CAPTION: YORK: (quickly fading in on the left of the screen)

CAPTION (on third bar): 1999. (fading in on the right of the screen)

Both captions fade out after the first four bars.
As the first bass stab hits, the left side of the screen crackles into a shot of:

LEFT HALF (1.185:1)

RIGHT HALF (1.185:1)
EXT - HES RD - MORNING

A terrace of student houses in York from a relatively low angle. The house we're interested in has a red door and the sign of Cancer painted in white on the glass panel above.




As the second bass stab hits, the right side of the screen crackles into a shot of:

EXT - MAIN ST - MORNING

A three-story end-terrace with an unkempt bush in the garden, and a blue veil in the upstairs window.
As the drum-roll kicks in, the front door opens.
As the drum-roll kicks in, the front door opens.
CUT TO:

INT - HALLWAY (HES RD) - CONT.


CUT TO:

INT - LIVING ROOM (MAIN ST) - CONT.

We track from the door (unseen but open behind us) along the hallway. There is a closed door to our left.

JIM (John Heffernan) appears from stairs rising to the left, a little way after the closed door. His hair is strawberry-blond and he wears bottom-bottle glasses. and a blue shirt (among other things). He is reading from a folded-back magazine as he walks, and wheels left around the corner (such that we follow him) as The Chiffons start to sing.
THE CHIFFONS
Sweet talkin' guy...
We track from the door (unseen but open behind us). There's a rather derelict looking two-seater settee straight in front of us, and an old-womanish green velveteen chair at the back wall. A matching sofa is to the left, barely in view. The room is devoid of human life, but through an archway directly ahead (beyond the nearest settee) is a kitchen, wherein we can see the back of ALEX (Aiden Turner), clad mostly in black. ALEX is cooking something. As The Chiffons sing their first line, he disappears, left, out of shot.
CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM (HES RD) - CONT.


CUT TO:
INT - KITCHEN (MAIN ST) - CONT.

Shot from patio doors, looking across to a long beige settee at the far wall, upon which sprawls STEW (Ewan McGregor) in (among other things) a baggy beige jumper with thumbholes worn through. He has long, matted brown hair and a wiry beard. His nails are painted with chipped purple paint. His feet are without footwear.

Beyond his feet is a table full of Star Wars Lego. Beside his head, on the floor, between the wall and the settee, is a bottle of Coke, and then there's a door to the Kitchen. STEW is saying something to someone in there.

THE CHIFFONS
Talkin' sweet kinda lies;
An ample kitchen with a dining table in front of a desanctified fireplace. There's a stolen hazard lamp at the centre of the table, an assortment of condiments, and a vegetable steamer.

JIM, in a green sweatshirt, is sat at the kitchen table, eating cereal from a blue bowl, and saying something to ALEX who is busying himself by the window, collecting herbs for whatever is boiling on the hob.
JIM enters from left and walks across shot towards the Kitchen.

CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM / KITCHEN (HES RD) - CONT.



Same scene, shot from the table with the Lego, looking into the narrow Galley Kitchen, with STEW on our left.
ALEX (dressed in black) is at the window, gathering herbs for whatever is boiling on the hob.

THE CHIFFONS
Don't you believe in him...
A door behind JIM opens to reveal STEW as he descends the steps and enters the room. He's wearing a baggy black jumper and jeans.
JIM enters the Kitchen.

THE CHIFFONS
If you do, he'll make you cry:

JIM keeps eating his breakfast as STEW walks behind him.
JIM pulls a bowl and a variety packet of Rice Krispies from a nearby cupboard.
He and ALEX dance the Kitchen dance as JIM passes deeper into the galley.
CU of ALEX staring intently at his cooking...

THE CHIFFONS
He'll send you...
POV of ALEX chopping an onion (in time with the music).
POV shot of bubbling pot into which ALEX tosses some greenery...

CUT TO:
THE CHIFFONS
...flowers,
STEW opens down a hinged bar cabinet in a cheap formica Welsh dresser to the right of the door to the living room (angle of shot will allow anyone in the living room to creep up on us without us seeing them).

Black.

Reveal that we are in:

INT - FRIDGE (HES RD) - CONT.

THE CHIFFONS
And paint the...
A large amount of unswept crumbs disperse as a cloud and rain down from the hinges.
Within the cupboard is a started loaf of bread and a couple of bottles of South American red wine.
...as JIM opens the door and stares inside at us.
The contents match those of Dana's fridge in Ghostbusters (sans Zuul).
THE CHIFFONS
town with another girl.
BABYSHAM (Guy Pearce) appears in the doorway. He has bed-hair, wire-framed glasses, and blue-checked pyjamas. He looks a little worse for wear.
JIM picks out a plastic carton of milk from the fridge door.
CUT TO:
INT - KITCHEN (HES RD) - CONT.



Bit closer in than before, as JIM closes the fridge. THE CHIFFONS
He's a...

BABYSHAM stumbles into the kitchen.
The Bathroom door at the back of the Kitchen opens up revealing BABYSHAM.  He's wearing a checked shirt and his wire-framed glasses (among other things), and he's tried to comb his hair, but he looks a bit hung over.

CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM (HES RD) - CONT.
THE CHIFFONS
sweet talkin' guy,
Cut to a reverse angle with ALEX turning away from the hob, lifting the pan and tasting its contents.
Shot looking over to STEW, a little nearer the front door than before.
THE CHIFFONS
But he's my kind of guy.
Cut to a shot of JIM eating his cereal, ALEX coming to sit with him at the table.
STEW is swigging from the Coke bottle.
STEW is cutting bread with a devil knife. BABYSHAM is also making to sit at the table.
TRIPLE STROBE CUT TO:

TRIPLE STROBE CUT TO:

Unified shot:

EXT - UNIVERSITY LAKE - DAY

Shot from the Vanburgh undercroft, with the concrete bridge to the left, steps and Central Hall centre-left, and Physics to the right. As this is set in 1999, there should be no railings at the water's edge.
JIM walks in from the left, under the bridge, and stands to stare at the scene and breathe in the goose-shit.

THE CHIFFONS
Sweeter than sugar;
CAPTION: John Heffernan as Jim Barrett

MIX TO:
INT - GOODRICKE TERMINAL ROOM - DAY

CU of computer keyboard as STEW presses Ctrl-X.

Shot of STEW sat at an orange-screen terminal, furiously typing.

THE CHIFFONS
Kisses like wine...
CAPTION: Ewan McGregor as Stew Chester

THE CHIFFONS
(Oh he's so fine)

MIX TO:
EXT - HESLINGTON HALL - DAY

From Derwent. ALEX steps out from the shadows of the concrete pillars and puts on his round, mirrored sunglasses, Hes Hall glaring moodily in the background.

THE CHIFFONS
Don't let him under your skin,
CAPTION: Aiden Turner as Alex Jefferson

MIX TO:
INT - CENTRAL HALL - DAY

An exam is taking place. BABYSHAM, at one of the desks, raises his head. He looks frustrated and his hair is mussed up.

THE CHIFFONS
Cos you'll never win...
CAPTION: Guy Pearce as Babysham

THE CHIFFONS
(No you'll never win)

MIX TO:
EXT - YORK - LATE AFTERNOON

Establishing shot of the city. It should include Clifford's Tower, and ideally also the Minster in the background, depending on the angles we can get.

THE CHIFFONS
Don't give him love today...
As they sing:

CAPTION: ANS

...followed by the two strokes scratched into the logo to make ANS11.

MIX TO:
EXT - FOSSGATE BRIDGE - DUSK

Chocolate-box scene of the Foss. A single Goose stands at the pinnacle of the bridge.

THE CHIFFONS
  Tomorrow he's on his way,

CAPTION: THE FOSS AWAKENS

We edit out the instrumental and skip to the end of the song
.
The goose flies off over the camera.

THE CHIFFONS
  He's a sweet talkin'
Sweet talkin'...

As they sing, BABYSHAM steps into shot on the bridge from the left.

THE CHIFFONS
Sweet talkin'
Sweet talkin'...

As they sing, STEW steps into shot on the bridge from the right.

THE CHIFFONS
Sweet talkin'
Sweet talkin'...

As they sing, ALEX steps into shot on the bridge from the centre left.

THE CHIFFONS
Sweet talkin'
Sweet talkin' guy!

As they sing, JIM steps into shot on the bridge from the centre right. He completes a tableau of the four of them looking over the stone rail of the bridge. We crane with the swell of the music.

Time-lapse effect as the drums hit: passers-by passing by at speed; day/night effects. Our heroes remain stationary at first but flicker in and out of the scene with changes of wardrobe to reflect the passage of time. Sometimes all four will be there, sometimes none. The last shot, albeit subtle (given the speed of the cuts) should have none of them there.

CUT TO:

EXT - HES RD - MORNING

Same establish as before. There's a slow zoom or track in.

We've made another edit in the music. We're going back to the instrumental rather than the conventional fade-out, thereby avoiding the "Stay away from him" bit at the end.

To coincide with the high wind instrument:

CAPTION: YORK: 2015

Also, the blinds of the upstairs window are being wrestled with by KAT ([uncast at time of writing]).

Closer shot of Kat's window for the second phrase. KAT is struggling with the blind.

The music is fading. At the next lot of wind we...
CUT TO:

INT - KAT'S ROOM - CONT.

The walls are a dark salmon-pink and the room is very dingy. There's a bed to the left, with dark-fuchsia bedding. A window is at the centre of shot, with a desk in front of it.

The music is now coming from Foobar running on Kat's laptop which is on the desk along with a second monitor, an external keyboard and mouse, three used wine-glasses of differing sizes, an empty bottle of Malbec, a dusty-pink mug, a screwdriver, serveral pens, a corkscrew, a few used plates, a tea-light lamp, a box of matches, and an anglepoise. The second monitor is running Tweetdeck.

KAT is craning over all of this, fighting to get the blind to open fully. She leans on the computer keyboard, knocking it off and cutting out the music, which skips to the next track: Delilah by Tom Jones.

In spite of this, she succeeds in opening the blind.

KAT is tall with shaggy, unbrushed brown hair. She's wearing skinny jeans and a baggy jumper. Classic Bananarama would be a reasonable cue.

With the first stab of the music, KAT staggers back into a blanketted swivel-chair - she falls into it, kicking the keyboard a little more as she does so. She turns the action into something more graceful, hauling the keyboard up to her with her legs, and replacing it on the desk.

Profile look of KAT, silhoetted by the light from the window. We track back out of the door as KAT starts writing a tweet. The further we track, the further we get from the diagetic source of Tom Jones, and the closer we get to Deerhoof's Wrong Time Capsule. Both tracks began at the same time, and there's a 37" crossfade (100%-33% for Tom Jones (then rapidly to 0%); 0-100% for Deerhoof), coinciding with the end of the verses and the kick into the Deerhoof guitar.

[INT - UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR - CONT.]

As we track past the top of the stairs (left), BEENA (Anjli Mohindra) ascends them into shot and pursues the camera. Her appearance should coincide with the word "green" in the Deerhoof song.

BEENA is quite tall with a crop of brown-black hair and a complexion inherited from the Asian sub-continent. She wears a teal cardigan over a t-shirt and long skirt, and her jewellery is moderately beady.

The camera makes use of the doorway to BEENA's room (left) to allow BEENA to pass along the corridor. We then make pursuit.

BEENA's hand rests on the handle of the door to Mills' room (which is ajar). She opens the door in time with the kick to the Deerhoof guitar (mentioned above).

[INT - MILLS' ROOM - CONT.]

Mills' room is down a step or two from the corridor. The Deerhoof is playing in here, and so the act of BEENA fully opening the door serves to amplify the soundtrack at this crucial point.

Mills' room is long and quite narrow. There's a bed down the left hand side and shelves down the right, culminating in a desk with a PC on it. There's posters including that Art Nouveau cat, Breakfast at Tiffany's, a Doctor Who Series 8 'Listen' print, and some gothic bits and bobs. The shelves are full of books, graphic novels, gargoyles, monsters, cats, and a badly taxidermied badger. There's a hi-fi tower with a turntable somewhere among all this too.

At the far end of the room is a patio door, in front of which, on her hands and knees, is MILLS ([uncast at time of writing]). She is not slim, but nor is she obese... she's also quite short which doesn't help make her look especially svelte. She has died-black hair with deep-purple streaks at the front, and is wearing a black crochet cardigan (like one we may have seen STEW wear in previous stories), a black t-shirt and a long purple skirt. She is not wearing makeup.

BEENA
(shouting)
What are you doing??!

MILLS appears to be cutting up the carpet with a stanley knife.

MILLS
(looking up, also shouting)
What??

BEENA
What you doing??
The landlord's gonna go spare!

BEENA has a slight Brummie accent.

MILLS
(still prodding at the edge of the carpet with the stanley knife)
There's something under here, Beena.

MILLS has an accent from somewhere near Edinburgh or the extreme south of Scotland.

BEENA
What??

MILLS puts the knife down and reaches for a remote control. She turns down the volume at the end of the line: "Here's a message she would say:".

MILLS
(quieter)
There's something under here.
I'm not cutting... just trying to lever it up a bit.

KAT
(o.o.s.)
What's Mills up to?

KAT appears over BEENA's shoulder. KAT has quite a deep voice and an accent slightly nearer to Liverpool than Manchester.

KAT
Ooh.
(disinterested eye-roll)

BEENA
There's something under there apparently.

KAT
Dead mice?

MILLS
It's like a piece of paper or something.

BEENA
What?

MILLS
Definitely something like that.

KAT
Old newspaper?

BEENA
(to KAT)
Underlay, underlay!

KAT gives BEENA a pitying look. BEENA shrugs.

MILLS
No... thicker than that. More like card.
I don't know. Help me get it up and see.

KAT
Help you cut a hole in the carpet?

BEENA
You're on your own with that one, sweetheart.

MILLS
I'm not cutting. I'm easing it up out of its hooky things.

KAT
(to BEENA)
Oh, she's not cutting, she's just easing it up out of its hooky things.
You ought to go give her a hand, Beens.
I'll just drill a hole through this wall while you're doing it.

BEENA's gone in to have a look and KAT follows.

MILLS
Look, it's just on these hooks.
If I can pull it off these I can roll it over and see what the treasure is.

KAT
Oh, Lord help us: buried treasure.

BEENA
(to KAT)
We could be rich, Kat! Rich, I tell you!

KAT raises her eyebrows.

MILLS
Or it could be a secret cookie recipe. You'd be quiet then.

BEENA
(to KAT)
She has me there.

KAT
She has, Been; she has.

Deerhoof are now quietly guitar-crunching again. BEENA is abetting MILLS in her carpet bending. MILLS is pulling the carpet off the carpet grips, hook by hook.

BEENA
(to KAT)
She's right about the hooky things.

KAT
(not looking)
Good to know.

KAT is stroking and coaxing the stuffed badger while BEENA holds back the steadily rolling carpet.

KAT
(to badger:)
What do you think it might be, Zedward?
(assuming a Bodger & Badgerish voice, but slightly higher pitched:)
I'm hoping for worms. Big fat juicy ones.
(normal voice)
I don't think you're gonna be in much luck,
unless they're flat worms.
(to the others:)
Flat worms! Ha.
(Badger voice:)
You're a very funny woman, Kat. Very funny.
(Kat voice:)
Yes, people do say that.

MILLS
Got the sod!

To coincide with the end of the Deerhoof track. Next up, Knowing Me Knowing You by Abba.

KAT
Worms?

It's an old cinema brochure from 1999.

BEENA
It's an old cinema brochure.

MILLS
Ooh!

KAT
Oh, fantastic!
Well that was well worth invalidating our deposit,
I'm sure we can all agree.
(Badger voice:)
Yes. Yes it was.

BEENA
From 1999.

MILLS
What's on?

BEENA
The Phantom Menace.

KAT
Ee. It gets better.

BEENA
Well, Mills, if this is the start of a hero's quest for us,
then it's as bad an omen as any, I have to say.

MILLS
(snatching the brochure)
Are there any messages?

KAT
Concessions only valid on the display of an appropriate...

MILLS
Here!

BEENA
Let me look-see.

MILLS
17th July! Hey, in't that Ting-Ying's birthday?!

KAT
I don't think we've ever been wholly clear.

BEENA gives KAT a slightly disapproving look.

BEENA
Yes it is.

MILLS
17th July's got a ring round it here.

BEENA
It's the Star Wars film.
Presumably they went to see the Star Wars film that day.

KAT
For Ting-Ying's birthday?

BEENA
Almost certainly.

MILLS
Wow.

KAT
Is that the sum total of the secrets held therein?

MILLS
There's a scribble.

KAT
A scribble!

MILLS
But I think they were just trying to get their pen to work.

BEENA
Yes, I think so.

KAT
Should we Esda test this, do you think?

MILLS is holding the brochure against the light to find any impressions on the page.

MILLS
I think we should.

KAT
Great. I'll call forensics.

BEENA
I'll leave you to it.

BEENA gets up and makes to leave.

KAT
Get this badger some worms while you're at it.
Poor sod's starving.

Shot of the badger.

CUT TO:
INT - HALLWAY (HES RD) - CONT.

The music from Mills' room is barely audible down here. At centre of shot are the stairs Jim came down in the opening. After a beat or two BEENA comes down them.

When she gets to the bottom she gasps and clutches her chest.

Pull out (via false wall) to reveal TING-YING (Jing Lusi) standing motionless just to the left of the original shot, clutching a kitchen knife before her. She wears a white blouse with rounded collars and a black bow at the neck, a houndstooth skirt, tweedy tights and patent heels. Her hair is in a pony-tail and she has a small black handbag over her far shoulder.

BEENA
God, Ting-Ying, must you keep doing that?

TING-YING
Sorry. I heard someone on the stairs.

BEENA
Me.

TING-YING
Yes. I thought I should wait.
I am carrying a knife.
It would be bad if we bumped.

BEENA
Yes, it would. Why are you carrying a knife?

TING-YING
I have been cutting.

BEENA
Yeah, I should've thought of that.
Which way you heading?

TING-YING points to the living room (right of shot).

TING-YING
This way.

BEENA
Yeah me too.
They head that way.

CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM (HES RD) - CONT.

Shot from Kitchen. Same settees as before. There's a new television - flatscreen - on the low table at the far wall. An assortment of cheap ornaments is also there, including a brass bird, a crystal pyramid, a pewter fairy, and a vegetable steamer. The dining table in the alcove at the back-right has a Lego highstreet upon it, with Benny's Spaceship Spaceship Spaceship parked in the street.

BEENA sweeps through towards the camera. TING-YING follows, stiffly, carrying her knife against her body.

Reverse angle. Kitchen ahead, left; patio doors ahead, right. Between them, the pouffe, on which is sat a large cuddly-toy duckling in a large-brimmed black sun-hat.

Through the patio doors is a patio area and a distant pear tree surrounded by shed pears. Beyond is a shed. This shed has windows. The sort of windows you could put someone behind if you wanted to do a spot of foreshadowing for high-definition viewers. Let's not spoil things too much, but there is indeed a face for those who wish to see it.

BEENA
Mills has found an old cinema brochure
under her carpet.

TING-YING
Yes.

BEENA
Yes. From 1999.

TING-YING
1999. Yes.

BEENA
And it came alive and ate her arm.

INT - KITCHEN (HES RD) - CONT.

BEENA pulls a bowl and a variety packet of Rice Krispies from a nearby cupboard. TING-YING waits at the doorway.

TING-YING
Sorry?

BEENA
No. I was being silly.
It didn't come alive at all.

BEENA and TING-YING pass deeper into the galley.

TING-YING
Ah. Yes. Good.

TING-YING replaces her knife in a wooden knife-block. BEENA whips a spoon from the cutlery draw.

BEENA
Yes.

BEENA opens the fridge door and stares inside. Shot from inside. The contents match those of Dana's fridge in Ghostbusters (sans Zuul).

TING-YING gets a glass and fills it with water.

BEENA pulls out a carton of milk. TING-YING stands there with her filled glass. BEENA pours out her cereal into the bowl, adds the milk and then puts the milk back. TING-YING still sands there. BEENA gives her a glance.

BEENA
How about you, Ting-Ying?
How's your morning shaping up?

TING-YING
Yes. It is a good morning. Thankyou.

BEENA
Yes, well that's good to hear.

TING-YING
It is good. Yes.

BEENA
Good.

BEENA lifts her spoon.

BEENA
Breakfast time!

BEENA cuts past TING-YING with her breakfast, and passes the camera. TING-YING then heads to a drawer at the back of the kitchen, picks out a set of keys, and goes to the back door. She uses the keys to unlock the door and then heads out into the garden.

INT- LIVING ROOM (HES RD) - CONT.

Shot from the corridor, so we can see the patio doors.

BEENA is sat on the right-hand settee, eating her cereal from her lap.

KAT enters.

KAT
Mills is brass-rubbing for clues.

BEENA
She's a woman of many talents.

KAT switches on the telly, grabs the remote, and lays herself out on the opposite settee.

Through the patio window we can see TING-YING harvesting two or three pears.

Reverse angle to show the telly. KAT switches it to Challenge TV. It is showing an episode of Treasure Hunt (series 2: North Yorkshire). The episode has only just started. Kenneth Kendall is introducing Nettie.

KENNETH
(vt)
...But of course at this stage,
neither Paul nor Barbara, nor even I
know anything about the clues
or the whereabouts of the treasure,
and nor does Annie Rice,
but there's one person who does know -
who'll be plotting Annie's movements
and seeing fair play - is Annette Lynton...
Nettie, are you ready with all
your instruments on the bridge there?

NETTIE
(vt)
I am. Are you ready on the lower deck?

KENNETH
(vt)
Yes, ma'am, we are.
Paul, where do you both live?

The banter opens and then the contestants are introduced, but it's largely incidental.

BEENA
Does Mills know she's missing Treasure Hunt?

KAT
(shouting at the ceiling)
Mills! Treasure Hunt's on!
(to Beena:)
Yes. She's fully aware.

BEENA
Good.

Having returned to our original angle through all of that, we can see through the patio doors that TING-YING is struggling to open the shed door. It gives way and she passes through with her pears and water.

KENNETH
(vt)
And what about you, Barbara?
I can see that there's going to be another addition to the family quite soon?

BEENA
Is that woman wearing a nightie?

KAT
Yes. She's a working girl.

BEENA
That's ok then.

KENNETH
(vt)
Do you think any of this is going to help you
in this particular treasure hunt?

At the same time there's a thud thud thud of MILLS coming down the stairs. She bursts in excitedly.

MILLS
Guys! Guys!

KAT
Treasure Hunt's on.

MILLS
I found a message!

BEENA
Ooh, what does it say?

KAT rolls her eyes. [coincides with Kenneth saying "eyes and ears"]

MILLS
(reading from tracing paper)
Chel's local pleasant is so local
ever the local police wart a pie.

KAT
Cryptic.

BEENA
What?

MILLS
Chel's local pleasant is so local
ever the local police wart a pie.


BEENA
Where's it say it?

MILLS
It was... the impression of it was on the front cover.
What do you think it means?

KAT
I think it means you're missing Treasure Hunt.

MILLS
It's a message from the past!

BEENA
It certainly is, Mills. But, you know,
like the Easter Island statues,
or the Nazca Lines of Peru,
  I don't think we'll ever know its true meaning.

MILLS
It's amazing though isn't it!
Someone from the past able to communicate to us like this.

KAT
It's not really communication if we don't understand it.
It's just some words on a cinema brochure.
Not even on it...

[This coincides with talk of clarity and concision on Treasure Hunt]

BEENA
I wonder if there are any other messages hidden about the place.

MILLS
I'm going to look!

KAT shoots BEENA a grim look.

BEENA
Have you managed to get the carpet back properly?
I'd do that first if I were you.

MILLS
Oh that'll go back fine.
You guys haven't noticed anything
under your carpets have you?

KAT
Nope.

There is a clunk of the back door

BEENA
Not that I'm aware.

NETTIE
(vt)
And Frank is very good looking without his ear-phones on.

TING-YING enters, empty handed, from the kitchen.
MILLS
How about you, Ting-Ying?
Seen any possible secret messages?

TING-YING laughs politely.

MILLS
I bet there's more. I mean why would you
just leave this under the carpet.
It doesn't make sense.
Come on Ting-Ying, have a go:
Chel's local pleasant is so local
ever the local police wart a pie.

TING-YING
Yes. Pheasant pie!

She laughs a bit more. The thickness of her accent may hide any pheasant-y revelation from the rest of them.

KAT gives BEENA a look.

KENNETH
(vt)
At a Rocket base in Eboracum,
behold the fiery monster.
The little red wheels
will solve a Chinese puzzle.
At a Rocket base in Eboracum,
behold the fiery monster.
The little red wheels
will solve a Chinese puzzle.


MILLS
Maybe it's want a pie. Not wart a pie.

BEENA
That would make a bit more sense.

TING-YING lets off another volley of polite laughter, then heads off to her room.

MILLS
Chel's local pleasant is so local
ever the local police want a pie.

KENNETH
(vt)
Yeah, I think I can help you with that, actually...

KAT
Yeah, Kenneth would have an idea.


KENNETH
(vt)
Check it and make sure.

MILLS
You know, I bet Ting-Ying's room is bursting
with secret communications from the past.

BEENA
I think we've more chance solving your current riddle
than being let into that particular inner-sanctum.

KAT
Ha!

BEENA
She'd been cutting something up in there when I came down.

KAT
When was the last time we saw Lien-Hua?

BEENA
God, don't!

KAT
Just a thought.

KENNETH
I don't think you necessarily need to go there...

MILLS is on her hands and knees under the table, looking for more messages.

FADE TO:

EXT - MAIN ST - DAY

The other establish shot from earlier.

CUT TO:

INT - LIVING ROOM (MAIN ST) - CONT.

Very different to earlier, not least because there's a new wall creating a corridor from the front door. The fireplace has been opened out, and a large flat-screen TV hangs above. On its screen bounces a discrete BBC Radio screensaver. Book-cases line the adjacent walls, full of books and ornaments befitting a pretentious middle-class couple. A two-seat settee is on the back wall, and a three-seater on the corridor wall, with a small table at the window end (on which is an empty glass and an iPhone). A large amount of Lego fills other the corner by the window.

HELEN (Rachel Friend) is lounging in the longer settee, reading Rachel's Holiday by Marian Keyes. She has reading glasses on. Playing out of the TV is the sound of the Andante moderato from Mahler 6.

HELEN reaches for a glass that is on the table by the window. It is empty. She takes off her glasses and puts them on the table (next to the iPhone), and puts down her open book on the back of the settee. She gets up and takes the empty glass with her to the door in the corner of the room.

INT - KITCHEN (MAIN ST) - CONT.

The kitchen is very different: it's been done up: given the full country kitchen works. The chimney has an aga in it, and there's a central hardwood table.

HELEN enters from the corridor, puts the glass on a pad on the table, and goes to the fridge for a bottle of spiced tomato juice. She fills her glass and returns the bottle to the fridge.

Throughout, the Mahler continues as the soundtrack.

HELEN is just going back into the living room when she hears a noise coming from upstairs. It's a muffled banging and shuffling.

HELEN, still clutching her tomato juice, heads to the door to the stairs.

INT - STAIRS (MAIN ST) - CONT.

HELEN tentatively ascends the dark stairway. The shuffling continues. HELEN is nervous.

INT - FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY (MAIN ST) - CONT.

HELEN appears at the top of the stairs...

HELEN
Hello?
Is someone there?

The noise seems to be coming from a room on the second right from HELEN's point of view.

HELEN presses against the door...

HELEN
Craig? Is that you?

The shuffling is still continuing as the door creaks open...

INT - STUDY (MAIN ST) - CONT.

An office study - very narrow... very much the spare-bedroom type.

The shuffling abruptly ceases as HELEN enters. She looks around.

There's a wardrobe in here. Quite old, with a mirrored door. HELEN puts her arm out to it, and we see the action reflected. She begins to open the wardrobe door. Immediately, a sense of fear crosses her reflected face.

ALAN
(o.o.s.)
Helen??

HELEN
Wh... who are you?
What are...

ALAN
Helen, it's me... Alan...

ALAN (Paddy Considine), is in the wardrobe, among an assortment of clothes. He wears round glasses and has curly grey-ing black hair. He reaches out as the reflection did before HELEN opened the door.

HELEN
Wh...?

ALAN
Alan Quinn.

ALAN steps out. HELEN steps back, startled.

HELEN
A... I don't...

ALAN
Remember me... we...
you worked at the police station.
You used to help me and Babysham...

HELEN
Wh... Get out! Get out of my house!

ALAN
Helen?

ALAN steps forward some more.

HELEN
Get away from me!

HELEN hurls her glass of tomato juice at ALAN and pushes him back into the wardrobe. Shaking, she staggers back into the hallway and slams the door shut.

ALAN, covered in tomato-juice, and perhaps a little broken glass and blood, shakes himself off and steps from the wardrobe. As he enters the room, he spots the mirror on the door and looks at himself. He smears off the tomato juice from his face and peers intently.

INT - FIRST FLOOR HALLWAY (MAIN ST) - CONT.

HELEN is about to disappear downstairs.

ALAN
(o.o.s. - from the next room)
Helen?? It's me, Alan!
It's ok, I think I look a little younger again.
The stargate used to do that all the time.

ALAN opens the door. He's still covered in blood-red tomato juice, and smearing it over all he touches.

INT - STAIRS (MAIN ST) - CONT.

HELEN dashing down the dark stairway. At the top of the stairs is a door with a frosted-glass panel. ALAN presses his juiced face against it to peer through before opening the door.

INT - KITCHEN (MAIN ST) - CONT.

HELEN stumbles into the kitchen. She grabs a kitchen knife from a knife block and dashes into the hallway.

INT - HALLWAY (MAIN ST) - CONT.

ALAN
(o.o.s. - from the kitchen)
Helen... It's ok, I think you probably
don't recognise me for some reason.
There's probably a perfectly rational explanation...

HELEN skids at the front door just as a shadow appears at the frosted glass window therein. The doorbell rings.

HELEN frantically unchains the door and opens it. She looks, gobsmacked.
Reverse angle to reveal KAREN (Helen Atkinson-Wood):
KAREN
Hello.

HELEN tries to push past KAREN but KAREN puts her arm out to block her path. She otherwise ignores HELEN.

KAREN
Hello? Are you there? Hello?

ALAN comes down the corridor.

ALAN
Ah. Hello.
[c.15']
[insert intermission break in syndication]
[ACT II]
CUT TO:

EXT - J.B.MORRELL LIBRARY - DAY

Long shot of MILLS hard at work at the left of a two-seater desk - window behind overlooking campus.
Closer angle. She's studying books about game birds, skin conditions, pi, pies, policing, York etc... She's writing extensive notes, and has post-its. Her stationery is pretty stuff.
The chair to the right scrapes, and KAT leans into shot. She looks both ways, raises her hand to her mouth and quite loudly 'whispers':

KAT
The little red wheels will solve a Chinese puzzle.

Long shot. Some students stare.
Closer shot. MILLS hasn't reacted. Without looking up:

MILLS
I found a paper by someone called Chel
about vitamin D deficiency. But I don't think that's it.
Also another Chel in India writing about heat exchangers.

KAT
That's it! A secret message about heat exchangers!

MILLS looks up, contemplating the possibility oh so briefly, then realises KAT's being daft and returns to her book.

MILLS
So what did you find?

KAT
The cafe does those gooey cookie things.

MILLS looks up again to scowl at KAT. KAT puts a white greaseproof / clear cellophane bag in the middle of the table, containing two gooey cookie things.

KAT
Priorities, Mills; priorities.

MILLS beams.

KAT
Come on, I told Beena we'd meet up.

MIX TO:

EXT - J.B.MORRELL LIBRARY - DAY

Crane shot:

KAT exits onto the Library bridge and MILLS follows a beat behind with a duck-print library bag full of books over her shoulder. KAT has a black shoulder bag on her left shoulder, and MILLS is to her left.

KAT
Do you want to put any of those in here?

MILLS
I'm good.

Track shot of the pair walking over the bridge.
KAT pulls the wrapped cookies out of her bag, takes her cookie and hands the remaining cookie, in bag, to MILLS.

MILLS
The thing we're missing, I think,
Is the mindset of someone
living in our house fifteen years ago.

KAT
Hmm?

MILLS
We're living there now... looking at it
with, like, 21st century eyes... we need to think
like proper 1990s people.

KAT
You mean, like Jarvis Cocker?

KAT throws a Jarvis Cocker sort of shape, with one arm extended into the air, and the other tossed back against her forehead...

KAT
(cod Sheffield accent)
"Oh, I'm thinking like a common person from the 1990s!
Breasts! Dogdirt! Tamagotchis!"

MILLS
(joining in)
Noel Edmonds!

KAT
(breaking out)
Was he the '90s?

MILLS
Wasn't he?

KAT shrugs. They make their way round the avocado spiral. Everyone else going downhill will take the stairs but these two are going to go round the spiral.

MILLS
Well whatever... we need to... Oh my god!!

MILLS stops dead, by the top of the stairs, just for a beat. Enough to inconvenience at least one person.

MILLS
Did they even have the internet back then?!

KAT
I remember us getting it when I was about four.

MILLS
So no! Crumbs...
A time before the net!
That's like... pre-history!

KAT
We were two in 1999.

MILLS
Ok, almost pre-history. The times of legend.
Pre-Renaissance. We have to get medieval on its ass!

KAT
That was the '90s. You're finding your voice.

MILLS
No internet so people have to watch the telly
and go to the pictures and buy CDs and -
ook - pornographic magazines!

KAT
At least we didn't find one of those under your carpet.

MILLS
I'm more concerned for my own train of thought...
I really AM channeling the '90s mindset now, clearly!

KAT
I bet everything's a damn sight cheaper where you are.

MILLS
Oh, it is, it is. I can get beer for under a pound.
And I can smoke indoors. And nobody knows yet
that the Star Wars prequels are going to be awful!
Isn't that an amazing thought? Nobody knows!
People will be thinking... wow, I can't wait to see
this new Star Wars film that's coming out...
I mean, I'm a bit tentative, for sure, cos what if...
what if it isn't very good? But I mean, sure it's
bound to be good really though, right? Right??
Wow... things were really really different back then.

KAT
Utterly.

CUT TO:

EXT - VANBRUGH PARADISE - CONT.

Shot up the rubber path from the edge of the lake. BEENA is sat on the steps to the Paradise, left of the rubber path, taking in the view of the lake. TING-YING is stood to the right, looking at her phone in a rather stiff manner.

KAT and MILLS are coming down the rubber path.

MILLS
So I'm really really excited, right,
cos I'm going to see what has to be,
what's sure to be, oh please let it be,
the greatest cinematic experience of my entire life!
Cos, you know, child of the '80s...
Star Wars in my blood. This is going to be AMAZING!

KAT
Right.

MILLS
And then I... well when do they put the brochure under the carpet?
Is it before or is it after?

BEENA stands as KAT and MILLS reach them.

KAT
(to BEENA)
We're just getting into the mindset
of our 1990s predecessors.

BEENA
Ah.

MILLS
I mean, it has to be after, right?
They've... you wouldn't put it under before,
cos you'd need to know the time or something...
I mean... well you just wouldn't, I don't think.

The three move onward to the lakeside. TING-YING notices after a beat, puts her phone in her bag and follows.

BEENA
Wouldn't do what?

MILLS
Put the brochure under the carpet
before they'd seen The Phantom Menace.

BEENA
Oh. No, I suppose...
Well they could be saving the moment for posterity.

KAT
The anticipation trapped in the amber of the underlay.

BEENA
Beautiful.

MILLS
No. I don't think so.
It doesn't feel right, from the '90s perspective.
The '90s was all about looking back. Nostalgia.
That was the way they were thinking.
So they wouldn't put it there as a totem to the future;
it's not an offering to the promise of a bright tomorrow...
it's a warning from history... of dreams thwarted.
This time-capsule isn't saying
"this is how we did things then", it's saying...
Ooh! Of course!
It's saying: "we're sweeping this under the carpet!"

BEENA
They put it there to forget?

MILLS
Exactly! They're not saying "remember us like this!"
They're not even thinking about tomorrow.
They're thinking about yesterday, when they saw
this awful film that trod on their dreams...
They're... they're trying to bury that memory!

BEENA
And we've awoken it?
We've stirred something that was
meant to lie buried?
Oh, Mills, what have you done??

MILLS
I'm sorry... I'm so sorry...

TING-YING
I have a bad feeling about this.

Everyone looks at TING-YING. TING-YING innocently turns her attention to her phone again.

Distant shot of them, from the lake. Then the camera submerges into the water and murk blacks us out.

The murk thins again. We might catch the tail of a monsterous fish. There are duck legs ahead of us in the water, which belong to a swimming duck. We resurface outside what would once have been Leon's room in what was once Goodricke A-Block but which is now something else.

The duck is startled by our surfacing and flaps up at the window, squawking wildly. It thwacks into the glass with a hard thump and slides down the window before plopping limply into the water. This attracts the attention of CAM (Simon Amstell) who comes up to the window to have a look. He's clutching a score by Elgar, and wearing a baggy but clingy light jumper. He seems suitably confused.

CUT TO:

INT - CAM'S ROOM - CONT.

Reverse angle. CAM leaves the window and sits on the bed, studying his scores. From a laptop, also on the bed and hooked up to speakers, plays the Jacqueline du Pré / John Barbirolli recording of the first movement of Elgar's Cello Concerto in Em.

After a few bars we hear a scratching noise coming from the wardrobe. CAM looks up, then returns to the scores when it doesn't continue. This happens a couple of times, and then CAM gets up (as the first hints of the theme appear (c.2'10" into the recording; less into our scene). The scratching is getting more insistent. Tentatively, CAM holds the wardrobe door, then suddenly opens it as the big theme crashes in (c.2'30").

In SLOW MOTION, the blooded, heavily disfigured (but not enough to cause us identification issues) form of BARNIE (Pam Ferris) falls forwards onto CAM. Reaction shot of CAM, horrified. He drops his score. BARNIE is barely conscious and in spasm. Eventually, as BARNIE's twitching form slumps to his feet, CAM screams. The music dwindles away as we concentrate on BARNIE's face while fading to black.

MIX TO:

INT - FOSSGATE SOCIAL - AFTERNOON

TING-YING, BEENA and MILLS sat round a table.
TING-YING is checking her phone. She has a cup of tea in front of her.
BEENA is putting her phone away and rearranging herself and her belongings on a back bench. She has some sort of brownie on a plate in front of her.
MILLS is tucking into a brownie of her own.
In a fourth place, effectively opposite Beena, sits a third brownie.

KAT reaches in and deposits a pint of cider in front of BEENA, then returns to the bar.

BEENA
So, I have an announcement to make.

MILLS
(mouth stuffed with brownie)
You're prefgnfanft??!

BEENA
Yes, Mills. And I think it might be yours.

MILLS
(still with quite a bit of brownie therein)
But you said, if I kept my eyes closed...

BEENA
I know what I said, but it turns out that
that method is not 100% effective.
(grabs Mills's hand and squeezes)
You're going to be a mummy!

KAT reaches in and deposits a pint of something black in front of MILLS and a pint of something yellow and hoppy in the middle of the table.

KAT
You should see what happens when she walks up to someone.

MILLS
Ook!

KAT sits down, completing the circle and hiding MILLS and BEENA's hands while they separate.
MILLS shakes out her hand as if Beena just crushed it.

BEENA
As I was saying... announcement.

KAT puts her elbows on the table and cradles her chin as if rapt in attention.
BEENA
We four... we happy four...

TING-YING looks up from her phone, almost robotically, loweing her phone in the same smooth movement.

BEENA
...have been invited to what will
undoubtedly be the event of the century!

TING-YING returns to her phone in a reversal of her previous action.

MILLS
You don't mean...

BEENA
Yes.

MILLS
Seriously?

BEENA
Yes.

KAT
The Eurovision Song Contest 2009?!

This exclamation accompanied by a sweep of the hands than nearly knocks her pint over, but she catches it and it only sloshes a tiny bit. BEENA dabs the table with a paper serviette, and KAT wipes her glass with her scarf.

MILLS
Oh, not more time-travel shenanigans,
you two! Not after last time!
It must be THIS year's Eurovision.
Am I right? Eh? Eh?

BEENA
Funny you should mention time-travel
shenanigans, Mills. It is NOT Eurovision.
It is, in fact, the DocSoc Christmas Party!

KAT
Oh for fuck's sake.

MILLS
Oh, not more time-travel shenanigans...
Not after last time!

KAT
You've said we can all make it, haven't you.

BEENA
I have. It's on the 21st and there'll
hardly be anyone else around.

KAT
If there'll hardly be anyone around,
why are they having it on the 21st?

BEENA
Because it's a K-9 and Company party.

MILLS
Do we get to dress up as Sarah-Jane!?

BEENA
Of course!

MILLS
Whee!

KAT
And how does it being a K-9 and Company party,
whatever one of those is, answer my question?

MILLS
Cos K-9 and Company happens at the winter solstice!

KAT
Of course.

MILLS
They're not planning on killing anyone, are they?

KAT
Should they be?

BEENA
That's what was going down in K-9 and Company.

MILLS
A coven. Sacred rites and all that.

KAT
Ok. They're not planning on killing anyone are they?

BEENA
No. Well, I'm assuming not anyway.

KAT raises her eyebrows.

MILLS
Where's it happening?

BEENA
Cam's got a secret location lined up
which he says is going to be "really cool",
and they'll be able to project K-9 and Company on the wall.

MILLS
And they're definitely not planning on killing anyone?

BEENA shrugs.
BEENA's phone rings from in her bag. Her ringtone is the end of Space Adventure pt.2 by Martin Slavin (aka the Cyberman theme from Tenth Planet).
The screen shows Cam and Beena intertwined in a Season 18 Doctor Who scarf, and clearly enjoying themselves. It's plausible from the photo that the two may be an item, though they may just be close friends.
BEENA answers... [[Cam's side is unheard but written for guidance]]

BEENA
Cam?
[[come to the corridor - something awful's happened]]
What's up??
[[There's-- I found a woman... really badly injured... the... ]]
Oh, God, Cam. Are you ok?
[[I'm... no. I'm fine, but I... could you come?]]
Oh, Cam. Don't worry... I'll be there in half an hour.

BEENA gets up and makes to leave.

BEENA
I'm at the social but I'm leaving right now,
so I'll be there with you soon. You be ok till then?
[[I'm ok. Half an hour. Thanks.]]
No problems. I'm on my way.
Just hold tight.
[[Ok... bye]]
See you soon.

BEENA hangs up and puts the phone in her bag which is now on her shoulder.

BEENA
I've got to go back to campus.
Cam's -- I'm not sure what's wrong, exactly,
but he sounds in a right state.

KAT
We'll come with you.

MILLS downs her drink. TING-YING, still gazing at her phone, stands up. She looks up, keeping her phone in the same reading position.
KAT leaves half a pint on the table and stuffs any remaining brownie in her gob, as they all head out (BEENA first, TING-YING last).

CUT TO:

EXT - FOSSGATE SOCIAL - CONT.

Our cast leave the Social and head towards Foss Bridge. Shot to include the entrance to the Merchant Adventurers' Hall. ALAN stands in the entranceway in a big trenchcoat, lapels up around his neck. He watches our cast head towards the bridge. He casually picks an apple from a display in front of him that belongs to the Hairy Fig, tosses it up, and fails to catch it again. It rolls off under the display, and ALAN goes rummaging after it. He knocks over a load of fruit in the process. While he's on his knees, we see a pair of lightly heeled dark-red boots enter shot, and hear the voice of KAREN (Helen Atkinson-Wood)

KAREN
(o.o.s.)
What are you doing down there?

ALAN bangs his head, dislodging some more fruit. He crawls out and we tilt up to see KAREN in a rather 1980s brown, drapey ensemble, complete with triangular scarf. Her hair is curly and brown. C.f. Sarah Jane Smith in the early scenes of K9 and Company, but the costume is more tweedy and not a direct copy.

ALAN
Oh, Karen, It's you again!

KAREN
You'll be delighted to know that
Rendezvous Two is now all tidied up again.

ALAN
Oh, thank goodness. I'm...
I mean there was... Helen was there -
It was a mess. I didn't... Sorry.

KAREN
We had protocols for this sort of thing.

A HAIRY FIG WOMAN comes out of the Hairy Fig... sees the damage.

HAIRY FIG WOMAN
Oh my god...
What's gone on here?!

KAREN
My son just tripped over on your display,
But this should cover any damage.

KAREN discretely hands the HAIRY FIG WOMAN a roll of cash, then leads ALAN away with her arm, down through the archway and towards the Merchant Adventurers' Hall.

Shot of them walking through the passageway.

KAREN
Try to stay out of trouble, dear.

ALAN
Am I really your son? I had never...
It explains so much.

KAREN clips ALAN round the head.

KAREN
Don't be soft, Alan.
You're enough of a wet poodle as it is.
Do you think I'm old enough to be your mother?!

ALAN
No, I suppose... of course not...
It's just... so confusing...
All these mission triggers.
I barely know what's what anymore.

KAREN
You've done very well
in very difficult circumstances.
If you can just keep it together a little bit longer,
we can maybe get this all sorted once and for all.

ALAN
I really hope so.

KAREN
So do I.


CUT TO:

EXT - MERCHANT ADVENTURERS' HALL - CONT.

There's a little motor-boat tethered to the bankside, overlooked by the hall. The sky is somewhat overcast.

KAREN and ALAN approach over the grass to the riverside.

KAREN
Any luck with the other rendezvous?

ALAN
Came here straight after rendezvous three.
Nothing doing. Looks like some girls live there now.
No sign of our guest.

KAREN
It doesn't add up.

ALAN and KAREN set about boarding and unhitching the boat.

ALAN
You got my report from rendezvous one?

KAREN
I've dispatched my best agents.

ALAN looks a little hurt that he might not be one of her best agents.

KAREN
Seriously, Alan,
I know it's a tough assignment for you,
but, just this once, can you not fuck everything up?

ALAN looks sheepish. He pulls the ripcord on the outboard motor. It comes away in his hand. Shot of KAREN dipping her hand into the water and looking resigned.

MIX TO:

EXT - GOODRICKE A-BLOCK (AS WAS) - EARLY DUSK

Police tape across the corner. A few police beyond the tape on that area of grass in front of the kitchen. Confused looking students at our side of the tape. An amublance dances with a reversing police-car as it seeks to escape the roadway.

BEENA comes running into the scene from Vanbrugh bridge, with KAT, MILLS and TING-YING visible in the distance.

CAM is being cared for / questioned by a POLICEWOMAN (Nicola Stephenson) as BEENA approaches.

BEENA
Cam!

CAM turns to see BEENA and crumples into her arms.

We shift our attention to KAT, MILLS and TING-YING who have now arrived on the scene. TING-YING is still paying more attention to the glow of her phone than to the events unfolding around her. MILLS is having a good nose about. KAT has found a place to stand and is surveying the scene like a hawk.

Someone nudges into KAT, which is quite impressive given how stationary she is. They pass by and duck under the incident tape. As they turn around into the light, we see it is MARTY (Neil Dudgeon), in his brown coat. From the throng of police, O'DELL (Orla Brady), PACKER (Lennie James), MADISON (Stephen Billington) and SPILLAINE (Darrell D'Silva) appear and approach his side.

KAT shivers as if someone just walked over her grave. She looks around for MILLS.

MILLS appears, suddenly, from the other side, frightening KAT.

MILLS
Apparently it was a cleaner from years ago.
She went missing, and suddenly she appeared in Cam's wardrobe.
Just appeared! He opened it up and she fell out -
like a crap magic trick!

KAT wheels around to try and get away from the image.

KAT
This is... it's not good. I don't know what it is...

MILLS
A missing woman in Cam's wardrobe,
That's what it is! And she was all covered in blood
and burns and stuff and barely conscious.

KAT stares at MILLS.

KAT
For fuck's sake, Mills.

MILLS may be excited but she's more scared than enthused. KAT can see that.

MILLS
What the fuck's going on, Kat?

KAT
I don't know. But it's not good.
Who told you all of this?

MILLS
Tablet.

KAT nods. As she does so, SPILLAINE approaches the pair.

SPILLAINE
We need to clear the area.
Are you guys from the block?

MILLS
Yes we are.

SPILLAINE
Ok. Well you need to head over to the college.
They're sorting things out.

MILLS
But my stuff's in there.

SPILLAINE
That's ok. We can sort all that out.
At the college.

He points. KAT deflates and makes to head away.

MILLS
Ok. Thanks.

It begins to rain -- steadily at first and then heavily.
The two head back and loiter by the terminal room, looking for their friends.
Somewhere from deep within the college, a piano is playing. As the scene progresses, the piano will steadily merge into Rainstorm by The Raincoats (our own variation thereof, not the original recording).

TING-YING appears from behind them, scaring them:

TING-YING
There was a lot of blood.

MILLS
Jesus, Ting-Ying!

KAT
What do you mean there was a lot of blood?

TING-YING
I been inside.

MILLS
What??

TING-YING
They only close this door.
I went through from next kitchen.

MILLS
You went inside??

KAT cradles her nose.

TING-YING
There was a lot of police.
I pretend not to notice and head into the corridor.
Do you want to see photos?

She passes her phone through between KAT and MILLS. KAT pads it away.

TING-YING
I see blood in the corridor
and then police see me and so I tell them
I live there and then they sended me over here.

KAT
Nothing ever phases you, does it, Ting-Ying.

TING-YING
(framed more closely for this)
The worst thing about being an International Student
Is everyone thinks you an idiot.
But that can have its advantages also.

MILLS
You're crafty. I like it.

TING-YING
Where is Beena?

KAT
On Cam duty.

She nods over to where CAM is being escorted by MADISON to the police car we saw dancing with the ambulance at the start of the scene (the ambulance having now escaped). The rear doors are open. BEENA follows with POLICEWOMAN.

MILLS
Looks like we're not going to get to see
Beena doing Karaoke tonight after all.

TING-YING
Ach.

As the last two lines came, KAT stepped away from the scene, out from the shelter of the covered walkway and towards the lake. The music leads into our first song of the episode (MILLS and TING-YING keep looking towards CAM and BEENA as our attention shifts):

KAT
Rainstorm. Rainstorm.
You've got me.
The rain beats down.
The rain beats down.

As the last lines are sung, CAM gets into the policecar.

KAT stands at the lake-side. We shoot her in dramatic profile against the walkway lights and nearby buildings, and observe her overlooking the reflections in the water:

KAT
I'm standing on cloudy doubts
By a lake where
I drowned you with my tears
And I watch helplessly, here,
As you drift away,

Intercut the last line above with BEENA getting into the car. MADISON closes the door upon her and steps towards the passenger seat.

KAT
And I watch helplessly, dear,
As you float downstream.
And you're gone.
You're gone.

The police car leaves, with CAM and BEENA therein.

CU of KAT, getting very wet, still looking out towards the lake (and now to camera):

KAT
And I know,
Oh, I know,
Everything must change.

Broader shot; different angles.
KAT
Nothing and no-one remains the same.

KAT turns away from the lake, and heads along the bank towards the Physics building.
We track after her / before her as she shambles along, crouching in her coat (she's cold and it rains so she feels like an actor).

KAT
Rainstorm. Rainstorm.
You've got me.

Shot of MILLS and TING-YING switching their concern from BEENA to KAT. They're not overly worried about KAT. She's evidently prone to little bouts of rainy isolation. But they look on with care as she disappears round the corner of a building and beyond their line of sight.

KAT
The rain beats down.
The rain beats down.

Shot of water running from a covered walkway. Lit from a bell-light on a corner. Spiders hang, bedraggled and tightly curled. The following sequence should begin like the Night of the Hunter boat scene and become increasingly 2001 stargate.

The lake, in all its illuminated glory. Rain streaming past. Central Hall's decks flicker on from right to left as they acknowledge the night.

The buildings around the lake seem in tension. They throb and shimmer in the rain. The Central Hall lights pulse from right to left, like some concrete jukebox.

The blocks of the Physics building begin to revolve like a giant Os & Xs rotorama, and the building arcs up on itself, so the roof becomes another layer of wall.

The spires of Vanbrugh rise up and bow as one, and revolve, like some cold war battle-station taking aim.

Central Hall begins to take flight, causing a tidal-wave of ripples across the already seething lake.

Vanbrugh itself stretches up: its glass wall expanding the already blinding light at the left of the shot, while the unfolding Physics building is having the same effect to the right, and the rising Central Hall, causing similar disturbances straight ahead.

And all of this seen through the distorting lens of the streaking rain and the stippled reflections in the lake which now stretch and distort in the vertical.

As the buildings rise, and the rain falls, we descend deep into the lake in streaks of vertical light.

The ripples of light are now largely abstract, and punctuated by flashes of blue and red emergency vehicle light and the streaking rhythms of street-lighting.

Our sequence does not last as long as the Raincoats' instrumental passage, but should capture as much of the diversity therein.

Mixed into all of this, CU of BEENA (facing left) stood in-front of TING-YING (facing front-left), alongside MILLS (facing front-right), behind KAT (facing right). They come into focus in turn, as per the lines below:

KAT
Now we...

BEENA, KAT
...are...

BEENA, TING-YING, MILLS, KAT
...so far apart...
A river between our lives...

The camera pulls back, and as it does, the four of them seem to float further away from each other until they recreate the Foss Bridge tableau that we had in the opening sequence. It is not raining in this tableau, which increasingly can be represented as:

EXT - FOSSGATE BRIDGE - DAWN

TING-YING, MILLS
The rain has gone...

Shot from the Walmgate side of Fossgate, looking towards the group who turn to face us. KAT is at the front and stands back of the rest of the group (in the road rather than on the pavement), creating a fan to BEENA at the rear left.

BEENA, KAT
The rain has gone...
The group begin to walk towards us, heads down.

An owl hoots as the music fades away and the picture fades to black.
[c30']
FADE TO:

EXT - HESLINGTON RD. - NIGHT

TING-YING, MILLS, and a particularly damp-looking KAT pick their way silently to the door of their house. They've barely turned onto the path when they spot that Ting-Ying's window has been smashed.
TING-YING dashes to the window. Her curtains look pretty soggy.

KAT
Oh for fuck's sake.

TING-YING is fiddling with the curtains. MILLS is getting the door open. The alarm panel blinks inoccuously and pings its Welcome Home tone. MILLS takes three goes to get the alarm code right and swears in the process. As she does so:

KAT
(to Ting-Ying)
Remember how the other day we were trying to explain
'it never rains but it pours'? Well this is it.

MILLS finally disables the alarm and staggers deeper into the hallway. KAT follows. Beat -- TING-YING still pawing at her curtains. KAT comes out and gently puts her hands to TING-YING's upper arms and guides her in.

KAT
Come on, hon.

CUT TO:

INT - HALLWAY (HES. RD.) - CONT.

Reverse angle. MILLS trying the door to Ting-Ying's room. It's locked.

MILLS
It's still locked.

TING-YING fishes out her keys. Drops them. Picks them up. She's shocked and damp-eyed. She struggles to unlock the door. Eventually she opens it, tentatively. KAT holds the door open above TING-YING's head, near the hinge. TING-YING is about to enter but instead she turns and buries herself into KAT.
KAT uses her free arm to comfort TING-YING. She nods to MILLS and pulls TING-YING gently aside to let MILLS past.

CUT TO:

INT - TING-YING'S ROOM - CONT.

The blue-brown light of a street-lit night. Wind is blowing the curtains. No music for this scene; just outside noise and the occasional sob from TING-YING.

MILLS creeps into the room and scans the scene. She spins around the door, detective-style, to check behind it. Nothing.

These shots are framed in such a way as to not reveal the wall against the stairs. MILLS flicks the light on with her hand in her sleeve.

Opposite the door is Ting-Ying's desk. Her laptop sits upon it, seemingly untouched by any visitor. There's no sign of any disturbance.

The bed, on the corridor wall, is neatly made (the bedding is pink and valanced). Everything is immaculately tidy. Kitsch ornaments line shelves. A family photo sits on the desk. Everything to the left of the room seems as it should be, save the open window.

KAT is gently guiding TING-YING into her room but MILLS halts her with a single hand-gesture.

Wider angle to reveal Ting-Ying's wardrobe has been pushed over, and is leaning at 45 degrees, against the corridor wall behind the door. The doors are open, and the contents seemingly rummaged. Where the wardrobe had been (in the corner opposite the door and the window) a hole has been knocked through the wall, big enough to climb through and cutting straight through to the Lego alcove in the living room.

MILLS checks the immediate scene (peers in the wardrobe, through the hole, under the desk) then beckons. KAT and TING-YING enter.

TING-YING sobs and rushes to check her wardrobe. KAT is holding back tears.

MILLS
(to Kat)
Stay here.

MILLS ducks out of the room...

CUT TO:

INT - CORRIDOR (HES RD.) - CONT.

MILLS dashes round the corner, peering upstairs and slamming on all the lights at every switch she encounters.

CUT TO:
INT - LIVING ROOM (HES RD) - CONT.

She skips into the living room and picks up the crystal pyramid as a makeshift weapon.

She paces across the room to the alcove, keeping her eyes on the kitchen door (which is closed). She looks through the hole to KAT and gives a 'shush' sign, then leaps onto the settee, bounces over to the kitchen door and pulls it open.

KAT looking through from the other side of the hole. She's holding TING-YING who's tearful at her chest.

CUT TO:

KAT's-eye-view as MILLS tiptoes through the kitchen, exchanges the pyramid for a rolling pin, heads to the bathroom door, opens it in a similarly dramatic way, goes in, comes out, then paces back to the alcove.

MILLS
(whispered)
Ground floor clear.

CUT TO:

Flipped angle again, from the living room side. TING-YING turns towards the hole.

TING-YING
What about the man in the shed?

MILLS
The shed?

MILLS turns, backing into the wall and staring suspiciously at the curtained patio doors.

KAT
What do you mean,
the man in the shed?

TING-YING
The man I keep in the shed.
I found him in my room.

KAT
You found a man in your room?

TING-YING
He was in my wardrobe.

KAT
When was this?

TING-YING
On Sunday.
I went to bed and I heard a noise
and then the man came out of the wardrobe.

KAT
And now he's in the shed??

TING-YING
I did not want him in my wardrobe,
so I put him in the shed.

MILLS
(double-taking with Kat)
There's a man, in our shed?

KAT
Why didn't you tell us?

TING-YING
I forgot to mention.
And then I thought you knew.

KAT
We didn't know.

MILLS
Who is he?

TING-YING
He didn't know.
He said he didn't know who he was
or how he got there. He was just in my wardrobe.
So I told him he could go in shed until he remember.

MILLS
It's the middle of winter.

TING-YING
I gave him a blanket.

KAT closes her eyes. She's had enough of today.

Beat.

KAT steps purposefully out of Ting-Ying's room. Without comment, she paces through the living room and into the kitchen, picking up the keys from the drawer. She unlocks the back door, flicks on the outside light and steps out. MILLS dashes to the curtained patio door and peers outside.

CUT TO:

EXT - BACK YARD (HES. RD) - CONT.

KAT looks for the right key and unlocks the shed. She turns on the shed light.

Shot into the shed to reveal LEON (Matthew Baynton) waking up, wrapped in a blanket. A copy of Woman in the Dunes and a Guinness pint-pot of water by his makeshift bed. Pears scatter the floor.
LEON is bearded and wearing his brown EDS overalls under a black crombie coat. He fishes for his glasses, and puts them on, blinking.
KAT offers an outstretched arm and LEON takes it.
WHITE TO:

INT - LIMBO SET

Brilliant white. We pan left to reveal the arc of the underside of a TARDIS console (abstract shapes in the white-on-white hight-contrast). LEON is huddled beneath it, facing left rear. The pan is being constantly buffetted. A TARDIS cloister bell tolls four times. Then, still facing left rear, LEON sings:

LEON
CAPTIONS
Non, ce n'était pas le radeau...

LEON turns his head to face the camera. Still the occasional buffetting.
No.
This was not the raft of the Medusa,
LEON
...de la Méduse,
Ce bateau;

Qu'on se le dis' au fond des ports,
Dis' au fond des ports;
Il naviguait en pèr' peinard
Sur la grand-mare des canards,
Et s'app'lait les Copains d'abord
Les Copains d'abord.

CAPTIONS
...this boat of ours --
(they can tell themselves that, down in the ports) --
But it sailed merrily along...
...across the great duck pond,
And its name, shipmates?
Its name was Friends Foremost.

FX - STARFIELD

CU headshot of LEON (well lit to match the last scene) with a starfield behind.

CUT TO:

LEON
Ses voler de bannières

 C'était pas très élevé,
N'en déplaise aux jeteurs de sort,
Aux jeteurs de sort,
Son capitaine et ses mat'lots
N'étaient pas des enfants d'salauds,
Mais fils de dieux, camarades de port,
Des copains d'abord.
CAPTIONS
Its flying of banners was not what you'd call high,
Contrary to what the Chronicle may have foretold.
The captain and the crew were not sons of bitches...
...but sons of gods!
...Comrades of port!
...Friends foremost!

EXT - PARK HILL FLATS - DAY

LEON is sat on top of a stationary tram (we only see the roof and the pantograph) with the flats in the distance.

CUT TO:
LEON
C'étaient pas des amis de lux',
Des petits Castor et Pollux,
Des gens de Sodome et Gomorrh',
Sodome et Gomorrh',
C'étaient pas des amis choisis
Par Montaigne et La Boéti',
Sur le ventre ils se tapaient fort,
Les copains d'abord.
CAPTIONS
They weren't the best of friends...
...like George Michael and Andrew Ridgeley,
Or the guys from the Pet Shop Boys.
They weren't friends who'd be there for you...
...when the rain starts to fall,
But they knocked about as friends foremost.

EXT - LEEDS CORN EXCHANGE - DAY

Shot through the doors, wherein LEON sits (legs o.o.s.) strumming a guitar.

CUT TO:
LEON
C'étaient pas des anges non plus,
L'Evangile, ils l'avaient pas lu,
Mais ils ont dérivé ensemble tout voil's dehors,
Tout's voil's dehors,
Jim, Alex, Stew et compagnie,
C'était leur seule litanie
Leur Credo, leur Confitéor,
Aux copains d'abord.
CAPTIONS
They weren't altogether angels --
 The gospel, they'd not read --
But they drifted together in full-sail:
Jim, Alex, Stew and comapny...
It was their sole Litany;
Their Credo; their Confession...
To friends foremost!

EXT - SPRING LANE - UNIVERSITY OF YORK - DAY

LEON stands, right of shot, full body, leaning in slightly, and strumming his guitar.
Behind, trees line a path, and beyond that is Central Hall.

CUT TO:
LEON
Au moindre coup de Trafalgar,
C'est l'amitié qui prenait l'quart,
C'est elle qui leur montrait le nord,
Leur montrait le nord.
Et quand ils étaient en détresse,
Qu'leur bras lancaient des S.O.S.,
On aurait dit les sémaphores,
Les copains d'abord.
CAPTIONS
At the slightest hint of disaster...
...friendship took the watch:
It was she who gave them their bearings.
And when in such distress...
...they threw their arms in SOS...
...you would have said their semaphores spelt "friends foremost!"

EXT - MISTY WOODLAND (HEAVEN) - DAY

LEON stands centre right. Shot from above the knees.
The mist hangs in the trees (we see no foliage), and through the mist is the distant 4:3 glow of the Chocobloc.

CUT TO:
LEON
Au rendez-vous des bons copains,
Avant la planète de lapins,
Quand l'un d'entre eux manquait a bord,
C'est qu'il était mort.
Oui, mais jamais, au grand jamais,
Son trou dans l'eau n'se refermait,
Cent ans après, coquin de sort!
Il manquait encore.
CAPTIONS
When the friends got together before the planet F34,
...if one of us wasn't on board he must be dead.
But never ever did the seas swallow him up:
A hundred years later, would you believe...
He is missing still...

INT - MR CHOPS - DAY

ECU - LEON's head, centre of shot (posed so that we see his right ear more than his left; forehead cut off).
The corridor stretches behind him, out of focus.

CUT TO:
LEON
Des bateaux j'en ai pris beaucoup,
Mais le seul qui'ait tenu le coup,
Qui n'ait jamais viré de bord,
Mais viré de bord,
Naviguait en père peinard
Sur la grand-mare des canards,
Et s'app'lait les Copains d'abord
Les Copains d'abord.
CAPTIONS
Boats, I've sailed a few,
But the only one which stayed the course --
Which held its tack --
...sailed merrily along across the great duck pond...
And its name, shipmates?
Its name was Friends Foremost.

LEON smiles a wan smile to camera.

FADE TO BLACK.
[c.40']
[insert intermission break]