EPISODE ONE:
PART TWO:

EXT- SHUTTLE-CRAFT MODEL - ECU

Track over shuttle craft.

INT - SHUTTLE CRAFT - NIGHT

J3PO
It was a good idea of yours to steal this shuttle craft using Atoo as a pawn to
confuse the traffic wardens and keep them occupied while I hot-wired this thing.

Jim
Yes.

J3PO
And that plan of yours to give the Imperial guard a run for
their money by slingshotting around that lamp-post so
 that they ran into each other and knocked themselves out.

Jim
Yes, it was good, wasn't it...

J3PO
Shame Atoo had to die horribly like that.

cut to:

EXT - GENERIC CAR PARK - NIGHT

CU of Atoo's bottom half smouldering with lots of wires and things sticking up.

INT - SHUTTLE-CRAFT

J3PO
Traffic wardens can be evil bastards...
 

EXT - QUIET ROAD IN FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

Establish how quiet it is.
Suddenly, a Fiat Uno drives over the camera, and a loud vroom follows it...

INT - FIAT UNO IN FRENCH COUNTRYSIDE - NIGHT

Bond drives, with an attractive French woman, YVETTE (Juliette Binoche) in the passenger seat.

Yvette
Oh, James... slow down.

Bond
It is alright my little French bagette, this is no ordinary small
car. It has been fitted out by E to drive without my doing anything.
<pulls a handbreak turn>
It even has a bed in the back if you know what I mean...
<silence>
You know what I mean?

Yvette
Yes?
<shrugs>
Do you... do you like... musique?

Bond
Ah yes... I am like sweet sweet music...
<he girates>

Yvette
Ah. I see. You like ball room dar'sing?

Bond
I am like a beautiful ballet, climaxing into a def metal concert.

Yvette
Huh? Yes?... No?

Bond
Aha.

Morten
<sings>
Take on me...

A-Ha
<sing>
Take on me!

Morten
Take me on...

A-Ha
Take on me!

Morten
I'll be...

Bond
<holding a Walther PPK to Morten's cheek>
Shut up.

Morten
Okay.

Bond
You don't play until the end.

Morten
Yes.

Yvette
Ah. I see. I er... I understand?
<shrugs>

Bond
Yes indeedy.

mix to:

EXT - DESERT - NIGHT

Much wind. Through the sand approaches ROD (Peter Davison), a blond, tall, muscular fellow, wearing only a loin cloth, and behind him is an alsatian dog, PETRA.
Quick cuts against this of a beautiful garden, a tree, a snake, a fruit, Rod and JANE (a female equivalent - Gaby Roslin) together, Rod and Jane apart, dead bodies, fish, cheeses of various kinds. The cross cuts act like lightening. Very quick cross cut effects to next scene.


INT - COWSHED - NIGHT

Leon has his hand up a COW's arse

Leon
If I lose my watch, I'll be very angry.

Stew
Are you sure this is the only way of realigning our personalities?

Alex
Yeah. It'll work. Trust me.

Leon
Bet it won't.

Alex
Trust me.

Leon draws out his arm.

Leon
Your go, Stew.

Stew
Gyuh.

Leon
I loosened some there I think...

Slips his hand in.

Slide cut to:

EST - PRINCESS RAE'S PALACIAL RESIDENCE - DAWN

INT - LARGE THRONE ROOM

Siddor is surrounded by several cronies, comprising Jim2, Esteban, Ant and ALAN - a wiry haired fellow with thick glasses.

Siddor
My powers are stronger. Omra is no more.

Cronies
Hooray!

Siddor
Yes. It IS good, isn't it. I'm going to bed.
Wake me up when Beavis and Butt Head come on.

He leaves

Alan
There, there, now that he's gone we can all run riot
over the controls. Who's for a go on the big chair?

Est
Me, me!

Alan
No. Get down, Tibbles! I am going on.

Est
Nik nik!

Ant
Look! Look! He's left one of his helmets here.
<puts it on>
 <in Siddor's voice->
There are 480 sheets of paper in a ream.

Alan
Very funny, that is.

Jim2
Look, a juke-box!

Alan
Has it got anything good on?

Manic Street Preachers starts playing.

Alan
Has it got any Wildhearts?

Jim2
Er.. No.

Ant is going round, breathing heavily.
Esteban is jumping around the control fascias like a monkey.

Jim2
 Quit it, monkey man.

Est
uh uh uh uh!

Alan
That's pathetic, not having any Wildhearts...
That, that's just terrible, that is...

Ant
Oh, hell!

Jim2
What's up now?

Ant
It's stuck! I can't get the helmet off!

Alan
Quick. Come here. Let me have a go.

Ant
Ow! ow!

Alan
It's no good... It won't budge.

Ant
Argh!

Jim2
Well, you're stuck like it now.

Ant
But Siddor will kill me!

Jim2
Say you're a long lost relative. After all, he's
not going to recognise you now, is he?

Ant
Nooooooooooooooo!

Jim2
No. Good. That's settled then...

cut to

EXT - DESERT - DAWN

Rod walking through the dust storm. Pan right to reveal Jane suckling TWO PUPPIES at her breasts.

back to

INT - SHUTTLE CRAFT

J3PO
I hate to spoil the fun, but do you actually know where we are going?

Jim
Er, no.

J3PO
Great(!)

Jim
If only there were some sort of Navicomp around...

AX3 (Dominick Diamond)
Did somebody call?

Jim
 A computer!

AX3
 Aha.

A-Ha
Oh-oh-a-oh, the Living Daylights.

AX3
Thankyou very much.
<sound of change hitting metal>
I am AX3-R; Master computer of the Imperial freighter Elf Mortality Flatulator.
I see you have stolen me, and so I offer you my services, oh evilly genial one.

Jim
Erm... where are we?

AX3
Still in the car-park at Milton Keynes.

J3PO
Oh, bollocks.

AX3
Yep.

Sounds of drilling.

AX3
I expect that's the cops coming for you at this very moment.

Jim
That or Alex... Well can't you fly us out of here.

AX3
Well, not really... We've been clamped you see...

Jim
Damn. Is there anywhere to hide?

J3PO
We're doomed! We're going to die!!!

Jim
Shut up. Is there?

AX3
Not really, no.

Jim
Not really?

AX3
No. No.

Jim
Oh.

Crash. Lots of blue light floods the room. Fade out.


INT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAWN

Shot of Mitch looking intently at Stan's chin in the foyer of the Vienna airport.
Zoom in on chin and mix to 

EXT - FRENCH ROAD - DAWN

Est. shot of Fiat driving along.

INT - FIAT

Interior is now a luxurious bedroom. Bond is in there with a GOAT.

Full 360 pan and mix to

INT - PRINCESS RAE'S BED CHAMBER

She looks very glum and is imprisoned beneather the leather-clad arm of Siddor. She would bite his fingers off, but they are protected by sheet steel.

Back then to:

INT - COWSHED - DAWN

Stew pulls out of the cow, depositing some mouldy french cheese in a bucket.

Alex
Me?

Stew
U-huh.

Alex stands up and rolls back his sleeve. He peers up the cow's arse.
POV - cow's arse vision such that the edge is obscure like binoculars or something.
In the centre is the dusty plain. Rod walking towards the camera. The dog runs forwards into the tube of the cow's arse.
Reverse shot of Alex's face. Full of fear.
Shot of the cheese bucket being hurled up into the air, and falling back down in slow motion.
Shot of Alex covered in cheese, with a German Shepherd dog licking his face.

Alex
mmrh!

Leon sulks:

Leon
It took us ages to get that cheese.

Stew
Ha ha!

Leon
What you so smug about?

Stew
Can't you see?

Leon
What?

Stew
No, I'm not telling you. You've got to guess.

Alex
Mmrh!!!

Leon
Oh!

Pan to reveal Rod stroking the cow's face.

Leon
Who's he?

Alex
Mmmrmh!

Rod
Down, Petra. Heel.

Stew looks at Rod

Stew
Hello!

Rod
Ah! Hällo.

Alex
What the...?

Rod
Would you like to såmple this lürvelly Smörgersbord?

Presents to them a tray of cheeses and biscuits.
Leon takes some.

Cut to

INT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAWN

Mitch
I think there's more than just Luxembourg in there...

Stan
What?

Mitch
I can see the Eiffel Tower...

Mix to

EXT - BLACKPOOL TOWER - DAWN

At the top of the tower stands JOHN (Gareth Bowley), a portly business man.

John
All this shall be mine. I shall take it all in my iron grasp. And then...
then nothing shall stand between me and the Crystal of Enderon!

fade to black and fade up on our heroes and Rod:

INT - COWSHED - DAWN

Rod
I am Rod, Nordic god of Pasties, and this is my sacred cow, Bessy.

Alex, Stew and Leon clap a lot.

Rod
I am here on a quest from the other gods. I must find the Crystal
of Enderon before my evil Queen, Jane has the opportunity.
Whichever fails to locate the crystal will be demoted to mortal.

Stew
Ooh.

Rod
Will you join me on my quest.

Leon
What's in it for us?

Rod
A place in Valhalla.

Stew
Is that good?

Rod
It is a great honour. It is where all
honourable warriors go at death.

Stew
Sounds a bit rough to me. Is there a pacifist enclave.

Rod
There's a quiet area up by a lake, not many fights there.

Stew
Hmm... I'm not too keen...

Rod
Tell you what, I'll build you a new world
of peace, love and understanding.

Stew
Orr! Cool!

Rod
Right, come on, follow Petra... she has a scent!

jerk cut to

EXT - FRENCH ROAD - FOGGY EARLY MORNING

Jane hitch-hiking on a french road. A car passes her. She looks irritated.
There is much screeching and a crash (off). Shot of mangled car in tree, and blue beach ball rolling in road.
Back to Jane, thumbing. A Fiat Uno pulls up and she gets in.

Jerk cut in opposite direction to:
Petra running through various settings being chased by Rod, then Alex, then Leon, then Stew. Rod is riding Bessy.
Settings are graveyard, church, scary corridors, space ship, supermarket, cabbage field, shopping precinct, house, tunnels, pub, more corridors etc...

Jerk cut up

INT - THRONE ROOM

Siddor is juggling with the crystal. He is clearly in deep contemplation.
Enter Babysham droid.

Siddor
I have a duty for you.

Babysham
Eh?

Siddor
Destroy the entire cast again.

Babysham
Oh...

jerk cut down
Rod et al through a boat, on a beach, up a mountain

jerk cut right

INT - FIAT - MORE NORMAL AGAIN - MORN.

In bond's car, wuth Jane in passenger seat. Jane is dressed like a Valkyrie but isn't nearly so fat.

Bond
And so, obviously, this means that, you know, we have to go to bed.

Jane
No, I don't think so, James.

Bond
No, really... if you don't you break all the rules,
the universe would cease to have any kind of logical
structure,  and  Stan's chin will be destroyed.

Jane
No it won't.

Cut to:

EXT - EXPLOSION - DAY

Shot of crashed car in flames.

INT - UNALTERED FIAT - DAY

Jane
Trust me.

Bond
Okay, so you'll be like Money-Penny, but you see the thing is...
        How can I put this... Money-Penny was a man.

Jane
No she wasn't.

Bond
No, really...

Jane
No, I don't believe you.

Bond
Okay.



Jerk down

INT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAY

Shot of Mitch examining Stan's chin.

Mitch
Ooh... wow!

At this point, a chubby hand appears from a pore, and grabs Mitch. She clings to a red channel gate, and out pops John.

John
Ow!
<dusting himself off>
You'll be Stan Roberts, will you?

Stan
Yes.
<voice over>
This man was strange, but I couldn't quite place why.

John
<shakes his hand>
Good, good. You're after the crystal aren't you...

Stan
U-huh.

John
So am I, so am I.

<vigourous hand shaking. releases. Stan wipes his palms on his trousers>

John
And I know where it is.

Stan
Really?

John
Yep. Like a randy dog.

Stan
Hmm.

John
<whispered>
It's in the hand of Siddor this very moment.

Mitch
Siddor?

John
Yes. An evil genius...

Mitch
Ooh.

Stan
Not quite a genius.

John
No. Exactly.

Stan
Go on.

John
He is in a top secret base.

Stan
Where?

John
How should I know? It's a secret...

Stan
<voice over>
This man was clearly an absoloute Charly.

John
But I hear tell that it is just at the other side of this red channel.

Mitch
But, Stan! We can't go through! Your chin!

Stan
We shall just have to turn it off...

Mitch
Turn off Luxembourg?

Stan
It's more than just Luxembourg... Mitch,
there's something I've been meaning to tell you...

Mitch
Not the dressing up in my underwear thing?
It's all right, I know all about that...

Stan
No, it's not that... It's my chin... It's not just Luxembourg in  there...

Mitch
No!...

Stan
Yes! It's the entire European Union.

Mitch
Noooooooooooooooooo!

Stan
Be brave, Mitch. Be brave!

Mitch
I shall...

Stan
I'm turning off my chin.

Mitch
But if you do that, the entire occupants of
the EU will be forced into a total paralax.

Stan
No.

Mitch
No?

Stan
Where are we?

Mitch
Venice.

Stan
Yes... you see, Mitch... There's something else...

Mitch
You fancy my mother, don't you...

Stan
Well, yes, but that's not it.

Mitch
You are smuggling legs?

Stan
No.

Mitch
You're... you're gay, aren't you...

Stan
No!

Mitch
Well what could be worse than that...

Stan
The... the EU in my chin...

Mitch
Yes...

Stan
It's a model village version!

Mitch
 Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!

Stan
I'm sorry!

Mitch
You mean, all those people are plastic?

Stan
Wood actually.

Mitch
But those windmills?

Stan
Working model replicas 1/3Oth of the actual size.

Mitch
So that giant killer mouse...?

Stan
Not giant at all...

Mitch
You bastard, Stan!

Stan
Why should size matter?

Mitch
 It matters a lot to me...

John
It's not the size of the wand, It's the wizard that waves it.

Mitch
No it isn't... And anyway, what's wands got to do with it.

Stan
What should it matter anyway? I'm switching it off!

Mitch
I feel so... unclean... so... sullied!

Stan
Don't.
<moves to hold her>

Mitch
Take your filthy hands off me.

Stan
But...

Mitch
No!

Stan turns his chin off. Out of his nose fall Jane and Bond.

Bond
See, I told you what'd happen.

Jane
Shut up, James.

John
Who are these?

Bond
Hello, fat bastard.

Jane
Oh. Hello.

John
You're not after the crystal too are you?

Jane
Well, er...

Bond
Actually, yes.

Jane
Why, are YOU?

Stan
Well we can't all go after the crystal...

Mitch
Why?

Stan
Only one crystal; five of us.

Bond
We could rotate it maybe. I'll have
it one week, Jane has it the next...

Jane
No, it'd never work... There is another who desires the crystal...

John
Well why do people want the crystal?

Stan
I believe that it contains a jet effigy of Humphrey Bogart.

Bond
No, it contains top secret microfilm concerning british nuclear submarine
manouvers and the plans for a new kind of radar-invisible pedalo.

Mitch
It's pretty, that's why I seek it.

Jane
I need it to stay a god.

John
Well, I need it to pay off my debters.

Jane
Hmmm. Well, I think out of all of us, my needs are greater.

Mitch
Perhaps.

John
And then, I could have it and sell it on to the British government.

Bond
I think that could be sorted out. Then I can arrange to
have the effigy removed before the government get it.

Stan
Brilliant. That's all sorted then.

Mitch
Hold on! Wait! Where do I come in?!

Bond
Well maybe you could buy it off the government.

Mitch
Can't John just sell on the microfilm, and give Stan the effigy and me the crystal?

Bond
Hmm... worth a try.

John
It should cover my debts...

Jane
I think we should find it first though.

Stan
Well thought out. This way!

As they head down the red channel, jerk diagnally.

INT - PRISON CELL

Prison cell, sector 9B of Deltaron
Jim and J3P0 Share a cell with two women, one of whom is a nun, STEPH (Sarah Lancashire, in traditional garb),
the other not a nun, HANNAH (Annabel Giles, with short dark hair, and wearing a purple, irredescent shirt and black trousers).

Jim
We're doomed. We're going to die...

J3PO
Yep. We're well and truly fucked backwards.

Hannah
(not a nun)
Would you two shut up. I've got a headache.

Steph
(a nun)
YOU can shut up!

Hannah
Piss off you cow!

Steph
Ow! You bitch!

Jim
Ladies, calm down...

Steph cries for a bit.
There is awkward silence.

Jim
So then... Carlisle. What do we know about that?

J3PO
Carlisle is a large settlement nine miles south of the
Scotland/England border, in the county of Cumbria.
It is also somewhere in America, and the surname of the
most famous member of eighties girl-band the Go-Gos.

Jim
Er, thankyou.
<beat. taps on metal floor>
So, er, what metal do you think this is then?

J3PO
My scientific analysees lead me to the conclusion that...

Hannah
Will you shut the fuck up!!!

J3PO
Sorry.

Jim
So... erm...

Steph
And you!

Hannah
Shut it, you slag!

Jim shrugs.

Jerk to
montage again
Rod riding his cow with the rest in persuit.

Jerk to

INT - VIENNA AIRPORT - DAY

Stan et al jumping on to a baggage conveyor belt and disappearing under the flaps.

INT - THRONE ROOM

Cut to Siddor's Throne Room where we can see the futuristic end of the conveyor belt, sprayed gold and covered in wires and PCBs. They jump off.
Look around. Establish the fact that Ant, Esteban, Jim2 and Alan lie on the floor in various places, dead, with much blood.
Much shocked expressions. They follow into

INT - PRINCESS RAE'S BED CHAMBER

...and see Siddor and Princess Rae on the floor, dead. Much looking at each other.

Jane
Where's the crystal?

Stan
What are we supposed to do?

Voice
 Duh! God, that's obvious!

John
Who was that?!

Voice
I am Babysham...

Bond
What are we supposed to do, Babysham?

Voice
You've got two minutes to find the crystal.

John
Well where is it?

Voice
Read the clues! God it's so obvious!

Mitch
What clues?

Stan
What's that?

Jane
Stop! Stop the clock! I've found a clue!

John
Read it out. What does it say?

Jane
It says "Chef's local pheasant is so local even the local police  want a piece"...

Stan
What's that supposed to mean?

Voice
Work it out. Work it out. I mean, it's easy.
<plays a jews harp>

Bond
It's a pun, isn't it...

John
No.

Bond
Well, it must be...

Voice
One minute!

Jane
Oh!

Mitch
Maybe we could just look for the next clue...

John
There's another clue?

Stan
Is there another clue?!

Voice
There are no more clues.

Jane
Oh!

Voice
Thirty seconds.

John
Get out! Get out!

Stan
Not yet!

Bond
There must be something.

Jane
Oh!

Voice
I mean, It's really obvious!

Jane
Oh!!!

Voice
Ten seconds. Nine...

John
Get out! Now!

Voice
...eight, seven, six...

Bond
Come on!!! Out!!!!!

Voice
...five, four, three... there you go, out you get... that's it.

INT  - CORRIDOR BETWEEN CHAMBER AND THRONE ROOM

<slams door as they all get out>
Babysham is in robot form.

Babys.
You're really thick. It was obvious.

We, the audience, see a timelapse film of the soloution.

Babys.
Well, you're not doing too well at the moment. You've got how many?

Awkward silence

Babys.
...No. No crystals... Well, er that's a bit crap!
What are we going to do now then?

Jane
Er, John is going to do a physical...

Babys.
A physical for you John? Come on then... a physical...

Running down corridor... Punching open a door lock.

Babys.
Okay this is a thirty second game, John. What you have to do is
run very quickly across this pool of crocodiles whilst I chase
after you, trying to kill you. Got it. Okay, go on then.

Jane
<to Bond>
You'd've been better for this one, James.

INT - CROCODILE ROOM

John runs and is lasered down by Babysham. The crocodiles then eat him.

INT - CORRIDOR / THRONE ROOM

Babys.
Ooh. That's an automatic lock in, I'm afraid.

Stan
You bastard! You just killed him!

Babys. lasers Stan dead.

Mitch
Stan!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Babys. lasers Mitch dead also.
Bond leaps to her defence, albeit a little late, and suffers a similar fate.
ECU of Jane's face. Ominous music.
Long shot into Throne Room, of Jane and Babysham with other bodies scattered around.
ECU of Jane...
Flash of light. Jane produces a Swedish television set.
Babysham stares, transfixed, as Home and Away: The Movie runs on ITV.
Enter Rod on Bessy, after the dog, along with Stew, Leon and Alex.

Rod
What's going on?!

Jane
It's okay. He's distracted.

Babys.
Eh?

Jane
You're distracted!

Babys.
Oh... yes...

Rod
I take it you haven't found the crystal.

Jane
No.

Rod
Any clues?

Jane
Yes.

Rod
What?

Jane
I'm not telling you that! Sorry.
I'd love to chat, but I better be going.

And with that she disappears in a flash of lightening.

Stew
So why didn't she do that before instead of creating that telly?

Babys.
You what?

Stew
The telly!

Babys.
Home and Away.

Stew
Goooood...

Leon
Are we going to try and find this crystal then, only...

Stew
Only what?

Leon
Only.... Only only only. Only that.

Stew
Oh. Only that.

Leon
Yes.

Alex
Hmmmm...

Babys.
No, that's Pippa.

Stew
Oh...

Alex
Hmmmmmmmmmm.

Leon
Come on then...

Rod
What? Oh...
<to the dog:>
Find the crystal. Find it! Go on! Fetch!

The dog runs off. Back to some more running for our cast...

Jerk to

INT - PRISON CELL

Jim
So where are we, exactly?

J3PO
Cell 2847 of the Prison Planet Strangeways X50.

Jim
Oh. And is there an escape?

J3PO
Yes. There's a tunnel in sector 16.

Jim
Oh... good. Can we get there then?

J3PO
There's a possibility... It would mean screwing my kneecaps to
the door-console. Then I'll be able to patch into the prison-computer.

Jim
Oh yeah?

J3PO
Yes.

Jim
Best give it a shot then...

Wibbly mix to

EST - THE STARSHIP TONKA - SPACE

INT - STARSHIP BRIDGE

Captain CARL CHAPMAN (Bill Nighy) sits in a big leather swivel chair at the centre of the bridge.
He wears a big leather coat, leather boots, black trousers and a cream-coloured polo-neck.
Around him, at various consoles, is an ALL FEMALE CREW in original series Star Trek mini-dresses.

Anna (Juilia Carling)
Captain Chapman, Captain Chapman...

Carl
What is it, Commander Barrett?

Anna
We're picking up a disturbance in the SK System...

Carl
(pressing a button a la Kirk)
Engineering!

Ivy (Sue Perkins)
(on monitor)
Yes!

Carl
Can you get us to the SK System?

Ivy
I don't know, we're running low on rainbow sandwiches...

Carl
Can you whip up some more?

Ivy
I'll try. Talk to catering...

Carl
Catering!

Midge
(on monitor)
Hello?

Carl
We need several rainbow sandwiches.... now!

Midge
Right. Okay.

Carl
Ensign Tenner?

Elsie (Cameron Diaz)
Captain?

Carl
Set a course for the SK System.

Elsie
Where's that?

Carl
How should I know... Commander Barrett?

Anna
Captain?

Carl
Where's the SK System?

Anna
Hang on, I'll check my map.
<much fumbling with an OS 1:25000>
Er... It's Laughten-en-le-Morthern...

Carl
Ensign Tenner, did you catch that?

Elsie
Yep.

Carl
Then fast forward...

EXT. Shot of hyperspace down the M1.

Mix to:

INT - PRISON CELL

Wires everywhere. J3PO's knees are being soldered to the door

J3PO
You'll need to wire me in to that bit there.

Jim
Oh, yes... Ooh... It says it has an Impedence of 5 NeutroAmpOhms.

J3PO
Damn these new imperial units! Who gives a fuck. Jam it in...

Jim
No... you've got to be careful with impedence. You've got to watch it.

J3PO
Maybe... All the same.

Jim
I tell you, impedence is sorcery.

J3PO
Is it?

Jim
It's black magic!

J3PO
Still, who gives a fuck? It's our only shot...

Jim
Haven't you got any Neutroblocks?

J3PO
No. Now just shove it in there.

Jim
Right.

J3PO
Right. Good. Now... we need a flip-flop...

Jim
Where the hell are we going to get a flip flop, here...

They look around... focus on Steph.

Jim
Will a sandal do?

J3PO
Um... Worth a try I suppose.

Jim
Er, your holiness... miss... er, sister... erm?

Steph
Hello?

Jim
Can we borrow your sandal?

Steph
Well I don't know... Is it really you?

Jim
<touches himself>
yes...

Steph
No... I mean, would they suit you? They'd be too small...

Jim
No, they'd be fine.

Steph
They're Clarks.

Jim
Oh really?

J3PO
What size?

Jim
What size?

Steph
5D.

J3PO
Perfect.

Jim
Pass it here.

J3PO
Right, wire the D Type Flip Flop...

Jim
Sandal.

J3PO
...Sandal, to drive Z.

Jim
Which bit's that?

J3PO
That bit there.

Jim
Oh, yes.

J3PO
Then coactivate the fulcrumators...

Jim
Yeah...

J3PO
And strudalise the TD147 hard emitter diodes...

Jim
U-huh...

A-Ha
Cry Wolf! O-Oh!...

Jim
U-HUH! Not A-Ha!

Morten
Sorry...

Jim
Go on...

Morten
You mean you want us to keep singing?

Jim
No, I was talking to J3PO...

J3PO
Then just activate the testicators.

Jim
Da-da!

The door zjungs open, dragging J3PO with it.

J3PO
Brilliant.

Steph starts spluttering...

Jim
Now which way?

More spluttering, and coughing...

Hannah
Oh, Shut up!

J3PO
Er, well perhaps we should detatch my knee first, don't you think?

Wretching now...

Hannah
Shut yer fat cake 'ole you cow!!

Jim
Hey, is she alright?

Convulsions... Jim tries to hold Steph down as she girates on the floor.
Suddenly, the centre of her habbit rises up like a fist in a T-Shirt, and thrusting out amongst much fatal blood-splatter is a tiny plastic alien which is then dragged across the floor on a string to disappear around the corner and into the corridor.

J3PO
Oh fucking hell...

Hannah
Told you she was a nasty piece of work, didn't I?!, Eh?!

Jim
Shut up.

J3PO collapses to the floor as the solder on his knees gives way. He then limps into the corridor after Jim.

INT - PRISON CORRIDOR / MEDIUM SIZED ROOM WITH MAN-HOLE

Jim
I wonder where it went...

J3PO
I don't think I want to know.

There is a sudden movement in the distance. J3PO shakes in terror.
A man-hole cover opens and up comes the head of Rod, who then yanks up Stew, Leon and Alex.
Side note - Jim and Rod never get closer than three yards apart during this episode.

Jim
Stew! Leon! Alex!

Stew, Leon and Alex
Jim!

Jim
What are you doing here?

Stew
We found the secret tunnel.

Leon
But the dog and the cow got stuck.

Stew
Well the cow did.

Leon
The dog was behind the cow...

Jim
Who's this?

Alex
Murmh murmh. Murmhmhm mhu muhmr mhrhi muh murh muru muruh murhu
murh murrh hrum mruhm mur, murm umrm mmurm mrum murhrm murmh
murh muhrhm murhmuhurm muhrrum muhr. Murmh murmu murmumum murm?

Jim
No, Alex, I haven't seen the crystal of enderon... Sorry.

Alex
Mururmurh mur.

Jim
Very kind of you.

Leon
If only there was some way of locating the crystal...

Omra
<voice over>
<echo>
Use the crystal detector setting on your bike-pump, Jim...

Jim
Zowie! I'll use the crystal detector setting on my bike-pump!

Rod
Great plan!

Jim
Thankyou. I owe it all to my mentor, Omra.

Omra
<voice over>
Smarmy bastard...

Jim
A-hem.

A-Ha
Oh oh-a-oh...

Jim
NO!

Morten
Sorry...

Jim
Not good enough.

Morten
Oh!

Jim
No... You've said sorry once too often...

Morten
But you can't...

Jim
Kill you? No. No. We've been too hard on you, I suppose.  When
people actually said A-Ha, and you came along, you'd just be shunned.
So, I think, as it's Christmas, we'll let you sing  just one song for us.

A-Ha
Oh! Goody goody goody!

Jim
But don't go doing it again, d'you hear?

A-Ha
<half-heartedly>
Yeah...

Jim
Do you hear?

A-Ha
Yes.

Jim
So what will you be singing for us?

Morten
Well, tonight, Jim, we're going to be singing
In the Meantime by un-popular Leeds band Spacehog.

Jim
Okay, normally A-Ha, an expired band from
Norway, but for tonight they're Spacehog!!!

Telephone ad music.
Guitar riff.

A-Ha
Ooh ooh-ooh ooh-ooh ooh ooh-ooh... x3
 Ooh ooh-ooh ooh...

Morten
And in the end we shall achieve in time
The thing we call devine
An' all the stars will shine for me
An' all that's well and we'll is for all for all
 An' forever after
An' baby in the meantime wait and see.

An' life eeyore eeyore for you
Wi' lamps a-green and skies a-blue
An' after all we're just like you
 Eeop pee or for you.

An' when I cry for me, I cry for you
With tears of holy joy
For all the days are still to come
An' did I ever say I'd never play
The fly through all the sun
Baby in the meantime something sOn...

An life eeyore eeyore eewoo
Wi' lamps are green and skies are blue
An all in all we're just like you
Eelop pee or a you

Blag some fries
May I see you some time
Give my love to the future
Of the human kind
Okay okay It's not okay
Ooh, Walla scoopa mind
Is a gooda prince a fine
For a future of
Dreams a-he might still to find
But in the meantime

An' life eeyore eeyore eewoo
Wi' lambs a-green and skies a-blue
 And all in all we're just like you
 Eeelop wee or a you
 A yop eeyore eeyore eewoo
Wi' lambs a-green and skies a-blue
Just like you
Just like you
Just like just like
Just like you
Just like just like just like
Just like you
Just like just like
Just like you.

Much applause...

Jim
But what are we going to do now?

Stew
What do you mean?

Jim
I mean, there's an alien running around this Prison Planet...

Stew
Is there?

J3PO
Actually, from my commmunications with the Prison
Computer, I'd say that the entire prison inmates,
excluding ourselves, have given birth to little aliens.

Hannah
I haven't.

J3PO
Yet...

Hannah
I've not been impregnated!

Jim
That's half your trouble...

J3PO
Who can say? Maybe you are to be the proud
mother of a latex puppet soon... Maybe not.

Rod
Russian Roulette...

Leon
Well I think we should just kill her.

Sarah (Sigourney Weaver)
No. She comes with us...

Reveal a tough looking woman (this SARAH person) with a bad perm, dressed in overalls.

Jim
Who... What...?

Sarah
I'm Sarah, the prison chief. We've got to kick
these aliens before they eat the shit out of us!

Jim
Oh. Right. You experienced then?

Sarah
Yes.

Jim
Good.

Stew
So what's going on?

Sarah
The prison's being used as a breeding ground for aliens.

Jim
So there's a lot of them about?

Sarah
Yes. But we're safe at the moment...

Jim
Safe?

Sarah
From half seven till two they usually congregate
in the recreation hall for their daily disco.

Stew
Disco dancing aliens?!

Sarah
Yep. They're actually quite mellow these
days, but they don't like humans.

Stew
Ah... in't that sweet...

Jim
Is there any way we can escape without
getting at least half of the cast wiped out?

Sarah
Well there's the secret tunnel...

Rod
Er, well, it's sort of blocked up by a cow.

Sarah
Oh.

Alex
Mmrmmh.

Sarah
Well, you could dress up as different
breeds of alien and do a deal with them...

Stew
That'd work?

Sarah
It's worth a try.

Jim
 What sort of deal?

Sarah
They're very partial to crystals.

Jim
So if we find the Crystal of Enderon...
then Rod can stay a god...

Stew
Hey, that rhymes...

Jim
And we can secure our freedom from the aliens!

Stew
If we get the crystal for his holiness, Rod,
Then we can make sure that he keeps being a god,
And we can do deals with the alien creatures,
And then go back home and become student teachers!

Leon
Right. I'm going to kill you now.

Jim
No. Great as the temptation might be, we've no time
for that now. We MUST find the Crystal of Enderon.

Omra
<voice over>
Use the Crystal Detector...

Jim
I'll use the crystal detector.

The bike-pump blips a lot and they walk off behind Jim...

Mix to

EXT - STARSHIP TONKA

INT - STARSHIP BRIDGE

Carl
Tell me more about this 'Laughton'...

Elsie
Ooh, it's a terrible place...

Carl
Who is it's ruler?

Anna
A Man known only as Roy...

Carl
Is this truly as desolate a place as it sounds?

Elsie
Yes, captain... But...

Carl
Go on...

Elsie
There... There is a moon...

Carl
Aye?

Elsie
An obscure satellite they call... Brookhouse...

Carl
Not... no... could this be? Tell me... This Brookhouse...
is it governed by Santana himself?

Anna
Yes.

Carl
My old friend, Carlos... Plot a course there at once, Elsie.

Elsie
Aye, Captain.

EXT: Zoom... That's an effect, not a camera direction... or a lolly...

Cut to

INT - THRONE ROOM

Babys. watching a telly in static.

Babys.
I see it all now... The point of philosophy...Relating only to
 ancient times... and yet soo soo dangerous... Forever, forever,
forever... No motive limit... The ultimate philosophical
question: What's a french person look like? That's what people
 have been doing since the dawn of time... Is this a telly I see
before me? Yes... But how can I be sure? It seems to me that a
 television is there, but is it really...? or is it just a figment
        of my imagination...?

Close up on static:

Babys.
Am I just merely a brain in a vat, bubbling away under the
electrode probing influences of a collection of mad scientists?

Cut to
INT - MAD SCIENTIST LARGE LARGE LAB - V.DARK
a glass cookie-jar filled two thirds with slime, but otherwise
empty, connected by wires to a computer console operated by Ant and Alan.

Ant
Nip nip nip!

Alan
Marillion are the greatest rock group in the world!!!! Ha ha ha ha ha!!!

Bill Gates
Have that printed on every edition of Windows 32!

Rupert Murdoch
You're a crazy fool, but I like the cut of your jib!

Andrew Lloyd-Webber
Love, love changes everything...

INT -THRONE ROOM (TIGHTLY SHOT)

Back to static on TV.
Shot of static reflecting in Babys.'s eyes.
Babysham's finger hovers over remote.
Channels flick chaotically.
Babys. smashing a fender strat into TV, several times.
Arty bit as the glass shards fall to earth and come together as the crystal of enderon...
The crystal is at the centre of the great room, on a pedestal (not the room, the crystal), and before it, cross-legged, sits babyS.
Jane enters:

Jane
I have fought my way here, across the desert, and through the
Siddorian city to claim for the Gods what is rightfully mine.

Babys.
Take a seat to the right there please.

Suddenly, Jim et al come racing in...
we catch glimpses of blue pedastals with green neon. Nothing too obvious. Still tightly shot.

Jim
It should be just about...

Rod
It's there!

Babys.
James Philip Currys Barrett?

Jim
Yes?

Babys.
Sit there. Rod, Lord of Magor?

Rod
Hmm?

Babys
There. Stewart Gregory Jaster?

Stew
JEster...

Babys.
Be seated. Leon Illich Protznedvic?

Leon
Hmm.

Babys
Down there. Alexander E 128 (artificial preservitive) Jefferson?

Alex
Murh?

Babys.
Just there, if you don't mind. Sarah Wriggly?

Sarah
A-Huh.

Morten
Hungry li...

Babys
I'm coming to you! Sit there, please, Sarah. Morten Harkett.

Morten
Yes.

Babys.
 Sit.

Morten
Yes.

Babys.
Jesus Threpenny Orgasmatron?

J3PO
Yavol?

Babys.
There.

Hannah
What about me?

Babys.
Just there, please. Ok. Run VT.

an electronic ditty accompanies a blue screen with images of
each contestant painfully trying to keep still, alongside appropriate, occasionally amusing stats:

Laura (...Calland)
<voice over>
Jane Algor, a Temptress Deity from Sweden.

screen shows:
Name: Queen Jane of Algor, Temptress of Aysgarth
Age: 2,012
Occupation: Goddess
Hobbies: Decimation, Entrapment, Skiing

Laura
Jim Barrett, a software developer from Harrogate.

Name: Jim Barrett
Age: 20
Occupation: Software Developer
Status: Single, n/s. WLTM women

Rod Maygar, a Pastie Deity from Norway.

Name: Rod, Lord of Maygar
Occupation: Nordic God of Pasties
Hair: Blond
Eyes: Blue

Stew Jesters, a local radio presenter from York.

Name: Stew Jaster
Occupation: unemployed Tony Mason impersonator
Hair: by Crazy Meg
Eyes: Yes

Leon Protznedvic, an assassin from Yugoslavia.

Name: Leon Protznedvic
Occupation: Trained Killer (reasonable rates)
Nationality: Foreign
Ears: Fair to middling

Alex Jefferson, a Canadian from Canada.

Name: Alex
Occupation: n/a
Nationality: Canadian
Hobbies: Mutilation, Reaping, Trading Cards

Sarah Wrigley, a prison governor, originally from Oxford.

Name: Wrigley, Sarah
Number: 2371138XB327
Likes: Cats
Dislikes: Androids

Morten Harket, an unemployed musician from Norway.

Name: Morten Harket
Occupation: Vocalist
Number of UK Hit Singles: 19 (18 of which were as a member of A-Ha)
Number of UK Number Ones: 1 (Take On Me)

Jesus Orgasmatron, a protocol droid from Driffield.

Name: J3PO
Occupation: Binary Load Lifter Programming Consultant
Language Skills: Knows how to ask the way to the carrot dispenser in Baatchi
Status: Married to a Hitatchi Colour Television called Paula

Laura
And finally, Hannah Stocksbridge,
a health affairs secretary from Sheffield;

Name: Hannah Stocksbridge
Occupation: Health Affairs Secretary
Amusing Info: none
Current Overdraft Limit: £500

Laura
...and they are tonight's ten contestants
on this week's Quarter to Three.

shot of the contestants in the 15-1 set: 10 pedestals set up in the Throne Room.

Babys.
Okay, you know the form... Jane, Sweden:
What are the colours of its flag?

Jane
Yellow on blue.

Ping of correctness.

Babys.
Jim, Computers: What is the name of the classic arcade game
 involving riding around on a sexy ostrich, dismounting plovers?

Jim
Joust.

Babys.
Yes.

Ping...

Babys
Rod, Astronomy: What planet is just
up there, there, where I'm pointing?

Rod
That's... that's Queegle 17.

Ping

Babys
Stew, philosophy for you...

Stew
Fuck!

Babys
What is the Kantian position concerning things in
themselves relevent to a transient observer?

Stew
Erm... er... The thing in itself is just a load of old bollocks.

Babys
Not exactly.

Buzz of an incorrect answer.

Babys
Leon, Music: Who wrote Beethoven's second symphony.

Stew
Fuckin' hell...

Leon
I refuse to answer that question.

Buzz.

Babys
Moving on, Alex: Quantum Physics: How
is the many worlds theory best described?

Alex
A load of old bollocks.

Babys
Correct.

Ping

Stew
Bloody 'ell!

Babys
Sarah, Media:Childrens' entertainment: With reference to the
 recent BBC advert, in addition to cinema audience appreciation,
 what programme can be justifiably considered as the pinacle of
children's television preceding the later demise to the current
modern shit (excluding, of course, the Rottentrolls)?

Sarah
Erm...

Stew
I know, I know!!

Sarah
Er?

Buzz

Stew
It was...

Babys
Bagpuss.

Stew
I knew that!!!

Leon
Yes, but it wasn't your question, Stew...

Babys
Morten, Abba: Knowing Me, Knowing You, A-ha...
Don't even think about it, Morten... let me finish the question...
There is nothing... there is nothing what?

Morten
We can do?

Ping

Babys
Of course... And J3, political history.
Who won the nobel peace prize in 1942?

Stew
I know that, I know that!!!

J3PO
Erm... I...

Stew
God! It's easy!

J3PO
Is it?

Stew
It's obvious!

J3PO
You tell him then.

Stew
Ted Heath!

J3PO
Ted Heath!!!?!??!

Buzz

Babys
No, infact, that's our readers' queston this week. Answers on a
 postcard only please. Okay, Hannah, for you, Misery:...

Mix to:

EXT - TRAVELLERS' REST - NIGHT

spaceship docking in the carpark of the Travellers PH...
Lots of dust and retro-rocket dry ice.
Tumbleweeds...
The ship's door comes down, and the landing party get out, and head into the pub. The party are: Carl, Anna, Elsie, Midge and Ivy.

INT - TRAVELLERS' REST - NIGHT

They lean against the bar.
DALE WINTON serves them.
At the bar stands DEATH (Bob Holness), in a black cowl.

Death
Ey up, young uns.

Carl
Ah, hello, sir... Do you know where Santana is?

Death
I have not seen him in these parts for twenty years.

Carl
Oh. Well in that case, we best be off...

Death
No. Stay a while, the party is yet young.

Pull out to reveal a Christmas atmosphere: TWO OR THREE YOUNG COUPLES in corners, OLD MEN playing dominoes, and a CROWD OF STUDENTS playing agrophobia-friendly pool with two-foot cues. On the telly is Jools Holland's Hootananny. Each patron sups steadily from their pint of Rockin' Rudolf.
The fruit machine's bonus light has the `n' missing, and not all the lights in the flashing row up the left hand side work properly either. All the other lights seem fine.
There are old footy programmes on the walls, but the 66 World Cup Final programme is missing...

Carl
Wow! What a swinging do! Barman!

Dale
Yes?

Carl
Uncork this fine vintage... brewed by my great grandfather...

Dale
Chateaux Chapman? Ah... 1996, a fine year... Pets win Prizes,
Dales Sweep... oh... now where am I? Serving drinks to Bob
Holness's brother... It's the lowest point of my career...

Death toasts him (with his glass). Mix back to the other scene...

INT - THRONE ROOM (10-1)

Babys
Well two rounds down with four contestents remaining, Laura?

Laura
And they are Jane of Algor, a goddess from Sweden, Rod of Magor, a
        god from Norway, Morten Harket, a pop singer, also from Norway, and
J3PO, a robot from the Tyrell corporation. And of the four
remaining contestants, only two still have their three lives intact.

Meanwhile, skulking in the dark...

Jim
Thank god that's over...

Stew
Yup. Hey... Why don't we swipe the crystal
while they're all engrossed in the game!?!

Jim
Because it's naughty and dishonest?

Leon
Fuck that.

He grabs the crystal, and the six knocked out contestants make a dash for it...

They dash to half a page down...

Back to

INT - TRAVELLERS' REST - NIGHT

Observe Midge and Ivy playing pool, while Anna, Elsie and Carl play twister... Death sits comatosed by the door, with a blanket over his head.
Suddenly he comes round, and we see he has green pen on his face. He heads into the pub.

Death
Who's been playing with my scythe?!

Everybody looks at each other nonchelantly.

Death
Come on, one of you has.

He then staggers into an unconscious heap.

Mix to Stew, Jim, Leon, Alex and Sarah in a ventilation shaft.

INT - VENT SHAFT

Sarah
Wait!

Jim
What is it?

Sarah
We're missing something.

Leon
I've got the crystal.

Stew
I'm here.

Alex
Mmururmu umu mumr.

Jim
Exactly. So what are we missing.

Sarah
That Hannah.

Stew
Oh, that miserable moaning cow... who gives a fuck?

Leon
We could've used her as alien fodder.

Stew
Oh yeah!

Jim
She was one of only two mortal women we know...

Stew
Good point. That Jane might be mortal soon, mind...

Jim
Hmm... Still...

Stew
Ah...

Jim
Perhaps we should find her.

Leon
Well I think we should head on.

Stew
Yeah, we should really get on with this plan of yours, Jim...

Jim
Oh... well, then we'll look for her.

EXT - FANTASY WORLD FANCY DESS SHOP, FULFORD - NIGHT

INT - THE SAME

A tile in the floor slides across, and up out of the floor come our four heroes and Sarah.

Tim
Ah... customers...

Jim
Hello, strange little fancy dress shop owner man.
We would like to purchase a selection of
costumes for a very special secret plan.

Tim
Ah... costumes... Reather and Race?
Lubber jock-stlaps? Are these suitabu?

Jim
Er... not exactly... we were looking for
something a little less... er... sexual...

Tim
Ah... so... Naughty Schoogirr? Nuns and vicahs?

Jim
No... not really... What we need is.. something mechanical.

Tim
Ah!
<disappears behind counter and comes back up with a selection of marital aids>
A Pink Erectlick Nobbereh!

Jim
Uh...

Mix to

INT - TRAVELLERS' REST - NIGHT

Dale is pissed, and trying to chat up Captain Carl. The rest of the crew are playing dominoes.
Death is being used as a table. Carl is trying to watch Jools Holland on the telly.

Dale
It's not easy, you know...

Carl
Hmm...

Dale
Check it out, check it out... it's hell...
but it payed well... And I loved it...

Carl
Yes, yes...

Dale
Do you know, It used to be the case that I couldn't
walk through Tescos for fear of being mobbed by
fans... now... now... Oh! I can't bear it!!!

Carl
Yes... Isn't that Dave Gilmore?

Dale
What?

Carl
Nothing...

Melt to:

INT - DARK BEDROOM - NIGHT

Hannah, with a torch... lost...

Hannah
Hello? Hello! Is there anybody there?! Sarah?! Jim!

She hears a noise in a wardrobe.
Naturally, she opens the wardrobe. Tension music.
Inside are Elton John's clothes.
She shuts the wardrobe quick. Fast heartbeat. She runs.
Scuffling from under a nearby bed. She looks under. Very tense music...
Nothing, except a small mouse...
The mouse squeaks and scurries off. The mouse was eating something.
Hannah picks up the debris. It appears to be an old and tatty vaselined swimming cap.
She throws it away in disgust.
Very tense music
She opens her purse to get a tissue, to wipe off the gunk... But there inside... is an ALIEN!!!
It leaps out, and stands at 10ft. It grins, and chicken fat drips from it... Hannah screams.
The alien opens it's mouth revealing a second row of shimmering silver teeth.
Fade to black.
Run credits...

Episode 2