A NEW SOAP

EPISODE TWO:
PART ONE:

Narration with appropriate visuals:

The story so far: After discovering the dead corpse of corridor
cleaner, Barnie, the residents of Mr.Chops were systematically anhialted
by Babysham, the robotic servant of the evil not-quite-genius Siddor, only
to be resurrected and placed into rented accomadation by MI7. Meanwhile, a
top secret MI7 mission involving three seperate James Bonds resulted in
the destruction of the known universe, sending our gallant heroes
hurtling through space and time. Isolated and alone, Jim was forced to
take refuge under the guidance of the mighty mystic Omra, along with the
droids J3PO and A2D2, while Leon, Stew and Alex found their personalities
had misaligned themselves. The remaining James Bond made his way through
Europe on a mission in search of the Crystal of Enderon, utilising the
chin of a gumshoe called Stan, while our heroes attempted to realign
themselves by extracting cheese from the arse of a cow named Bessy.
Consequently, they also extracted a Scandanavian God called Rod, who
too was searching for the crystal. As was a Goddess, Jane, who was brought
into this reality as Stan switched off his chin. Making a pact with a
man called John,  Bond, Jane, Stan, and his girlfriend Mitch joined forces
to find the crystal, and set off in search of Siddor. Meanwhile, Siddor's
arch-enemy, the mighty Omra, was destroyed in a bike-pump accident, and
Jim and J3PO were arrested whilst trying to escape, winding up locked in a
prison cell with a miserable bitch and a nun. Following Rod's dog,   Stew,
Leon, Alex and Rod also set off in search of the crystal, while Jane and
her team FOUND Siddor and his cronies dead, with no sign of the crystal.
They did however find BabySham, who killed everybody in Jane's party
except Jane herself, who managed to distract Babysham with an Australian
soap opera. Back in the cell, Jim and J3PO managed to short out the door
but the imprisoned nun gave birth to an Alien, thus replacing one problem
with another. Reunited, our team of heroes were forced to take part in a
game of 15 to 1 to compete for the Crystal. In the meantime, back on
Earth, Captain Chapman and his crew spent the new year in the Travellers,
but back to the point, our band of heroes got knocked out of the contest
and so stole the crystal when no-one was looking, with the aim of
bargaining with the aliens... But as they looked for a disguise, Hannah, the
girl from the cell who wasn't a nun, has found herself face to face with one of
the viscious aliens...

INT - HI-TECH SPACE-PRISON CORRIDOR

TWO ROBOTS, A BARBITURAN GUARD from sector eight and TWO SLAVE TARFIDS marching down a corridor, being escorted by two conventional ALIENS.
The following conversations are subtitled:

Guard
So you see, that's why we need safe passage to the Argon System.

Alien1
Tell me your price.

Guard
I have the crystal of Enderon.

Alien2
Yummy yummy!

The aliens go to a console in the wall.

Alien1
We are plotting a course for your safe return.

The computer bleeps

Alien1
Damn human built scum.

Guard
We hate humans too.

Alien2
Good. Humans are evil. We dislike them
greatly. But they taste yummy.

Guard
Rest assured there are no humans in our clan.

Alien1
Hmm.

Computer screen shows Win logo and a counter counting down from 100
Fade to black.

INT - DARK BEDROOM

Shot of  HANNAH.
Shot of ALIEN with open mouth and tonguey teeth extended.
Fade to black.

INT - PRISON CORRIDOR

Shot of computer map

 Alien1
Damn thing won't subtract.
to robot1
You're a Robot... What's 13859 take-away 2865?

Robot1
Erm...

Alien1 thrusts a mouth into the head of the robot sending a helmet shattering in various directions and revealing LEON's de-brained and bloody head.
There is much commotion.
Fade to black.

INT - BEDROOM

Hannah gets eaten.
Fade to black.

INT - PRISON CORRIDOR

Back in the corridor, ALEX in a Robot suit leaps over to the door and frustratedly keys in the access numbers.
JIM takes off his Guard mask and STEW in the outfit of a Tarfid slave stumbles over the bodies of Leon and SARAH as our heroes fight off the aliens.
Suddenly, Alex, Stew and Jim disappear in a twinkling of stars and a synth glissando. The aliens seem a little confused.

EXT - TRAVELLERS' REST PH, BROOKHOUSE - NIGHT

Establish.

INT - TRAVELLERS' REST BAR - NIGHT

Alex, Stew and Jim materialise on the pool table.
The party here is past its peak. Dale Winton, behind the bar, is looking decidedly groggy. Death looks like death.

Dale
Hic. Sorry. I think I pressed something.

Anna
(operating a PacMan table)
Energising.

Our heroes go all blurry again for a moment.

Anna
It's no good, we're out of crystals.
The matter transporter's broken.

Dale
Is that my fault? Sorry...

Stew
Hey, I know this place! It's the Travellers!

Under the following, Elsie helps Jim off the pool table. Stew stares about the place, gawping with nostalgia, before starting to get down.

Alex
Wow! Death! Hi! Long time no see!

Death
Can I have my scythe back, please?

Alex
No. I still have a lot of flesh to reap.

Death
Please?

Alex
No.

Death
Oh, go on...

Alex
No.

Death
Pretty...

Alex
(turning to Stew and Jim)
Come on... let's go home...

Jim
Do you know the way, Stew?

Stew
Yeah. This way.

EXT - DARK COUNTRY LANE OVERLOOKING THE BRIGHT LIGHTS OF BROOKHOUSE - NIGHT

Stew has a pee.
Jim and Alex are further up the road.

Jim
Shame about Leon.

Alex
Hmm. Another soul to add to my collection.

Jim
Your collection?

Alex
Yes.

 Stew runs to catch up.

Stew
Wait. That's the wrong way. I think.

Jim
I thought you knew.

Stew
Yeah, I do.

Jim
Well?

Stew
If we jump off this bridge we should land
on a train going straight to York.

Alex
Would this be another one of your short cuts, Stew?

Stew
We'll get there a lot quicker this way.

Jim
You sure?

Stew
Er... yes.

The three of them jump.
And land on the tracks with many crunching noises.

Stew
Maybe it's the wrong bridge.

Train whistle.

Jim
Or maybe not...

Alex
No! This is not how I planned it. This is not the end.

Choo choo!!

Stew
Bye bye.

Jim
Argh!

Alex
Murgh!

Jim
Wait! The train! It's suddenly shot off onto a different line.

Stew
Phew.

Jim
What?

Stew
Phew.

A long pause.

Stew
Well, erm...

Jim
Erm...

Stew
Ahem.

Jim
That's that then.

Alex
This is more like it.

Stew
Eh?

Alex
Rotting here in the middle of nowhere.

Stew
Oh, lucky us...

Camera rises in helicopter shot. Reveal mysterious squished corpse on other line with a cord from the corpse to a junction switch.
Time lapse:
Day
Night
Day
Night
Summer
Autumn
Winter
Spring

Stew
I've got a plan!

Alex
Huh?

Jim
Look! Sheep!

Stew
Exactly! Maaa! Maaa! Here sheepy! Here sheepy sheepy! Maaa!

 A SHEEP approaches them.

Stew
Get help, sheepy... get help!

The sheep runs off.

Alex
Hey... I was going to eat that!

Stew
It's gone to fetch its shepherd.

Alex
Oh that's alright then.

Stew
Glad you like my plan.

Alex
Sure... Lot more meat on a shepherd.

Jim
Do you think it'll work? Your plan?

Alex
Nargh.

Stew
Trust me.



Time lapse:
Summer
Autumn
Winter
The three are covered in snow.

Jim
Hmm...

Alex
Wait a minute.

Jim
Eh?

Alex
Look at this!

Stew
What is it?

Alex
I dunno. Some kind of severed hand...

Jim
Where'd you find it?

Alex
It was just in my pocket.

Jim
Let me have a look... I know what this is!

Stew
Go on...

Jim
It's a monkey's paw. It wasn't given to
you by some mystic shamen was it?

Alex
Oh yeah... now I remember... He sold it to me in
exchange for an old and useless arabic lamp.

Stew
How odd...

Alex
Yeah...

Jim
If this is what I think it is, we should have three wishes.

Stew
Wow, that's like one wish each!

Jim
Yeah! Okay. I'll go first... I wish
we weren't crippled and malnourished.

 As if by magic they are restored to perfect fitness.

Alex
Right... me... I wish we were home and safe
and warm in 125 Main Street, Fulford, York.

Stew
Nice and precise.

Jim
You can never be too careful.

Magically they appear in the living room that we last saw in Episode 1...:

INT - 125 - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Stew
Right... okay... I wish the actress who plays Buffy the
Vampire Slayer in the television series of the same name,
were here, and married to me in a loving relationship...

Ping... SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR (herself) appears.

Stew
Cool.

Alex
What!

Jim
You could've brought back Leon!

Stew
Sorry. I never thought.

Jim
Hmm.

Sarah
Oh, Stew! Lets go upstairs.

Stew
She just can't get enough... Excuse us for a while...

Jim
Oh well... what's on telly?

Turns telly on. Puts video channel up. Turns on hi-fi. Hi-fi explodes.
Video douses fire with inbuilt extinguishing system, and phones the emergency services.

Jim
But it still can't play Leon's Hitchcock videos.

Alex disappears into the kitchen while Jim flicks through teletext.
Teletext Page:
          DodgyTizer: The Man with the pendulous knees says:
          Still no improvement regards my chinese breeding. So far I've bred only
          Mongols and Japanese. Maybe if I combine the two gene pools I will create
          a genuine specimin of Chinaman. I can only hope. My dog still wont talk to
          me. It calls me a feckless arse. I cannot argue.

Alex returns, and sits next to Jim. He then proceeds to polish his big knife, utilising olive oil.
Jim puts on channel five and watches Sunset Beach. I cannot compete.

We are at the very start and the C5 ANNOUNCER (John Darvall) introduces the show.

EXT - SUNSET BEACH - DAY

SEAN (Randy Spelling) and EMILY (Cristi Ellen Harris) are kissing.

Cut to:

INT - JAVA WEB CAFE - DAY

AMY (Krissy Carlson)  is chanting:

Amy
Nil Sine Nomine etc..

EXT - SUNSET BEACH - DAY

An emerald round Emily's neck begins to glow.
She starts choking and her guts wretch up into Sean's mouth.
She breaks off, choking. She appears to be somewhat older than she was.
Sean is spitting a lot.

Cut to:

INT - JAVA WEB CAFE - DAY

Amy
Nil Sine Nomin... oh, this'll never work.

EXT - SUNSET BEACH - DAY

Emily finds she can breath again.
In the distance walks ROD of Maygar. He is walking his dog, PETRA.
Fade to black.

INT - BEN'S HOUSE - DAY

MARIA (Christina Chambers) is blinking a lot and looking vacant.
Flashback scene with foggy edge:

EXT - WATER - NIGHT

Maria is drowning and splashing about.
Back to reality:

INT - BEN'S HOUSE - DAY

In walk BEN (Clive Rovertson) and MEG (Suan Ward), having a jolly good time with each other. They stop as they see Maria blinking a lot.

Cue credits:
Exciting music and what have you with shots of each of the cast members, including Rod's dog.

Fade up on:

INT - GREGORY'S HOUSE - DAY

ANNIE (Sarah Buxton) and CAITLIN (Kam Heskin) listening to a Scream-esque electronic voice on the telephone.

Voice
I'm going to tell Cole your secret about Tre!

Caitlin
No! No!

Cut to:

EXT - PHONE BOX, MAIN STREET, FULFORD - DAY

Extremely close, looking through the glass, with enough red paintwork in shot for us to know it's an old-fashioned phone-box (K6).
Alex is on the phone.

Alex
Yes, I think it's about time he knew who
Tre's real mother is, don't you!

Annie
over phone
Oh, why don't you pick on somebody else?!

Alex
Ha ha ha ha!

INT - GREGORY'S HOUSE - DAY
We hear the end of the 'ha's.
Enter GREGORY (Sam Behrens).

Gregory
What's going on?

The phone cuts out and Annie and Caitlin look at each other, timidly.
Fade to black.

Fade up on:

EXT - SUNNYDALE HIGH SCHOOL - DAY

INT - SCHOOL CORRIDORS - DAY

Stew, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Jim are walking.
They head to the library where they meet HAN (Stephen Tompkinson, still), the librarian.

INT - LIBRARY - DAY

Han
Ah, there you are. It seems we're having a bit of trouble at the beach.

Sarah
Is that trouble "slightly early tides"  or trouble "huge green monsters that want to eat us all" ?

Han
Guess.

Jim
(to Stew)
Where's Willow?

Stew
Who?

Sarah
But you know I've got the prom tonight...

Han
Never mind the prom... your destiny is written...

Stew
(craning over to look at an ancient tome in front of Han)
Let's have a look...

Han
Here, in the Chronical of Enderon.

Stew
And the slayer shall fight the evil mummy
creatures and much blinking shall ensue...

Jim
Very clever.

Sarah
Ho-hum... Let's go and wrap things up.

Stew
Or unwrap them...

Jim
What?

Stew
They're mummies... unwrap their bandages... it's a joke.

Fade to black.
Fade up on:

INT - JAVA WEB CAFE - EVENING

Emily being blind.
Fade down.

Fade up on:

INT - CHAPEL OFFICE - EVENING

ANTONIO (Nick Kiriazis) thinking about shagging Gabi whilst being very shifty about the Rosario Madonna. Note also how the jewels are dancing a marimba.
Fade down.

Fade up on:

EXT - DARK ALLEYWAY - LATE EVENING / NIGHT

Amy being odd.
Notice how she is surrounded by lots and lots of MUMMIES.
They close in when suddenly, Sarah jumps in and kills them all.
Stew and Jim stand at the edge.

Sarah
That was easy.

Stew gawps.

Jim
Wow, yeah!

Cut to:

INT - SPACE-AGE WAREHOUSE, GLECON 7 - NIGHT

Leon paces around, talking to himself.

Leon
Send another observer down. We must learn
more about these Earth creatures.

Leon
Aye, master...

EXT - GLECON 7 - NIGHT

Long shot of a spralling Glecon metropolis filled with lots of people who look just like Leon. In the distance, a spaceship rises.

Back on Earth:

EXT - DARK ALLEYWAY - NIGHT

Amy
There were mummies!

Sarah
Yeah. I saw.

Amy
 Was one of them my father?

Stew
What?

Amy
 My father! Barnie Nielsen!

Jim
looking at the vanishining corpses
 No.

Amy
How can you be so sure?

Pull out to reveal BARNIE (Pam Ferris, of course), a mummy with exciting gypsy ear-rings, approaching Amy from behind, arms outstretched.
Suddenly, Sarah leaps across the courtyard and lands upon a floor-polishing machine which she kicks forward into the mummy.
Barnie's bandaged leg gets caught in the flex and the mummy is brought crashing down to the floor with a crunch.

Barnie
Ooh Aww! Ouchy! Ooheeah!

Stew
Wait! This is no mummy!

Sarah
Is it a banshee?

Jim
Well it does make a lot of noise while you're asleep, but no.

Stew
That's a university cleaning lady...

Stew pulls off the bandages to reveal Barnie's face.

Barnie
It's not shit... It's burning sugar from a factory up the river.
My son used to work there. This factory. They burn sugar there.
My son. He used to come home smelling of burnt sugar.
Just like that smell of burnt sugar. It's sugar...

Fade out and then fade back in again.

Barnie
...Sugar.

Jim
Yes, yes.

Stew
You broke my mug! Eat fish, you witch demon!

He flips over and from the holes in the heels of his shoes and socks come beams of pure shoe energy which laser into her and melt her to the core.

Jim
I think that was a bit extreme.

Stew
Really?

Sarah
 It's okay. It's fiction. You won't be psychologically affected.

Sarah's eye twitches.

Jim
What about Alex? He was. He started drilling,
and making scary phone-calls.

Sarah
That was British. This is California.

Stew
(to Jim)
See. Nurgh!

Jim
Shut up, Stew.

Stew
Sorry.

Jim
You mean we're in California? How'd that happen?

Han
(entering from stage left, clutching the Chronicle of Enderon)
You're not so much "in California" as trapped in your television.

Jim
What?

Han
You were sucked into the TV.

Stew
Oh. Yeah. I remember.

Jim
(shoots Stew a dismissive look)
Then how can we get back?

Han
It is written: They shall get back by the only way...
<turns page>
Err.. it appears that this page hasn't printed properly.

They crane in to look. The page is all silly and to pot.

Stew
Well is there another copy?

Han
I don't have one.

Narrator (John Cleese)
And so began the legendary journey: The quest for the Chronical
 of Enderon (Second Edition - With a foreward by Uri Gellar).

EXT - SAN FRANCISCO - NIGHT

Establish...

EXT - A STREET THERE-IN - NIGHT

Stew
It's amazing how much like Hull San Francisco is...

Sarah
Eh?

Stew
Well you've got your humber bridge and your golden gate bridge...

Jim
Go on...

Stew
It's also a lot like Sheffield. All those hills, and the music: The culture...

Jim
Stew... You're a fool...

Stew
No I'm not... Hey... look what I bought in that shop.

Stew has produced a jar of crickets.

Jim
What are they? Grasshoppers or something?

Stew
No. They're crickets.

They reach a phone box just as Alex steps out.

Stew
Alex, you seen my crickets?

Alex
Cricket's shit.

Stew
It's a good excuse to get pissed.

Jim
I never thought of that.

Alex
They're pregnant.

Stew
What?

Alex
You're crickets are in labour.

Stew
What do you mean, my crickets are in labour?

Alex
What I say. Look! That one's about to give birth.

They all look on...

Stew
Oh yeah...        ...wow!

Jim
The miracles of childbirth.

Sarah
Look. I'm going to do something now which might shock you.

Jim
What? You're gonna have a baby?

Sarah
No...

Stew
Does it involve showing us your breasts?

Sarah
No. It's far worse.

Stew
Fire away.

She draws a crossbow from her bag and shoots Stew through the heart.

Stew
Arghhhhh!

Stew dissolves into dust

Jim
Who'd've thought it... You know,
I always had Alex down as the vampire.

Sarah
Appearences can very often be deceptive.

Alex
How did you know?

Sarah
From the very moment he became attracted to my Hellmouth.

Jim
Hmmm. Look, we've got to get on.
Let's scoop up what's left of him and burn it.

EXT - ST JOHN'S WOOD CREMATORIUM - DAY

It is snowing.

INT - ST JOHN'S WOOD CREMATORIUM - DAY

Jim, Alex and Sarah are gathered around a coffin.

Jim
He was a prat. We won't miss him.

The coffin burns.

EXT - ST JOHN'S WOOD CREMATORIUM - DAY

As they leave they are greeted by a MAN IN A FISH COSTUME.

Man
I am the salmon of all knowledge!

Alex
Are you?

Man
Yes.

Jim
Leon?

Leon removes his fishy exterior.

Jim
But I thought you were dead.

Leon
Hmm

In the distant left, DAEVID ALLEN (himself) falls into the snow..

Jim
Well now you're here you can help us get back to the real world.

Leon
Okay. What are we doing?

Jim
We've got to find this book... the Chronicle of Enderon.

Alex
Then we can get home.

Leon
How?

Jim
It's a kind of black magic.

Leon
I see.

Sarah
Come on, we've no time to lose.

Jim
Really?

Sarah
Hmm.

Alex
Hang on, I've just gotta make a phone call.

Alex makes another call using a wooden phone-box. The others kick dust about, shuffle, and don't say anything. The crem chimney smokes in the distance, and briefly forms the letter 'R'. Alex steps out of the phone-box and then they set off.

Jim is about to step on a half buried Daevid when Daevid leaps up.

Daevid
Woah! How y' goin', pixie people? I hear
you wanna find the Chronicle of Enderon...

Alex
(catching up)
I'm going to be really nasty and evil to you now.

Daevid
 Woah! Hold your knife back a minute... I'm trying to tell
you all about where you are and what you're doing...

Jim
We're outside St. John's Wood Crematorium, and
we're off on a mission to locate the Chronicle of Enderon.

Daevid
And I know where to find it.

Leon
Do you?

Daevid
Yep.

Sarah
Where?

Daevid
On the third shelf down in Craig T. Nelson's library.

Jim
But where's that?

Daevid
Craig T. Nelson's house.

Leon
 Which is where?

Daevid
That, I do not know.

Jim
Wasn't Stew always going on about Craig T. Nelson?

Leon
Okay, who killed Stew just before he might be some use to us(!?)

Alex and Jim point at Sarah

Sarah
Then we must find Craig T. Nelson... Immediately!

Daevid
You might try America.

Alex
But we just came from there.

Daevid
There's a flying teapot just above you that's bound for Indiana.

Jim
But how do we get on it?

Daevid
Two methods lie open to you.

Leon
Do any of them involve having our ears drilled by Gilli?

Daevid
One of them does.

Leon
Then tell us the other.

Daevid
Okay, you've turned down the groovy quim of
the moon type thing for a parascend.

Jim
Eh?

Daevid
Put these parachutes on and ascend to the teapot taxi.

Leon
Look, there isn't glidding involved in this is there?

Daevid
Only a bit, you'll hardly notice it.

The three put on their parachutes and float up...

EXT - CRAIG T. NELSON'S GENERIC SUBURBAN HOUSE, L.A. - DAY

CRAIG T. NELSON (himself) enters carrying an ancient leather-bound book. He sees a table with chairs stacked intriguingly upon it.

Craig T. Nelson
 That's weird, I could've sworn I didn't leave these chairs stacked
intrieguingly on this table. Oh. Maybe it was the missus. Never mind...
<a quiche flies past>
Hey, who threw that?!... Oh well, maybe I'll watch some television.

Craig begins to watch "A New Soap" on AVWoman1.
Then, suddenly, a huge blue fork of lighty stuff shoots out and drags him into the TV.
On the screen we see the closing titles.

EXT - INDIANA INTERNATIONAL GLID-PORT  (air-port with amended signs) - DAY

Our heroes disembark a big yellow teapot. All of this takes place on the runway.

Leon
Okay, so do any of us have an idea
where to start looking for Craig T. Nelson?

Jim
Well I don't.

Sarah
 Stew once spoke of a man...

Leon
Go on..

Sarah
A man who would one day come at our
darkest moment... in our hour of need...

Jim
Yes?!

Sarah
A man whose name I can't remember...

Leon
Try! Try to remember!

Sarah
<she tries >
It's no good... I can't. But...

Alex
Hmm?

Sarah
There was something else...

Leon
What? What?

Sarah
An expression...

Jim
An expression? Like a phrase he used to say?

Sarah
 No.

Jim
No?

Sarah
 No.

Jim
Then...

Sarah
When mentioning this man... Stew
would accompany it with an action...

Leon
And what was the action?

Sarah
It was... this:

And she raises her hands into the grip of a very small air guitar, twiddling with her left hand whilst grimacing in the most terrifying manner.

Leon
My god!

Jim
 What? What is it?!

Leon
That... is... the international gesture for Santana...!

Jim
I'm sorry?

Leon
Quick... copy her actions. Only together will we invoke him...

They all begin grimacing.

Suddenly, SANTANA (Carlos Santana) appears before them.

Santana
What is thy bidding my master.

Leon
We must find Craig T. Nelson.

Santana
Oh dear.

Leon
Sorry?

Santana
Craig is on telly at the moment.

Leon
Where?

Santana
This way.

He beckons them to follow him with a skeletal hand. Suddenly, the group finds itself in:

INT - CRAIG T. NELSON'S LIVING ROOM - EVENING

The telly flickers with static.

Jim
What channel's he on?

Santana
This one.

Alex
Eh?

Santana
Through there is your own world. You
are trapped here, he is trapped there.

Alex
We've switched places...

Santana
It would seem so.

Jim
Well how can we switch back?

Santana
I can see no way.

Leon
Well we're stuffed then.

Sarah
(by the book shelves)
There's no sign of that magic book of his here...

Jim
You sure?

Sarah
A-huh. Just empty space between
"Charlie and the Great Glass Elevator",
and  "Coach - The Annual"...

Leon
Any ideas, Santana?

Santana has disappeared, unseen by camera.

Jim
Hey!

Alex
Where's he gone?

Leon
Well that was worthwhile.

Sarah
Terrific. He's just vanished.

Enter ALANA (Shirley Manson), Craig T.'s live in lover.

Alana
Who are you? What's going on? Where's Craig? Alex!

Alex
Hello.

<note the eerie way in which he stresses the 'hell'>

Alana
What are YOU doing here?

Alex
I was going to ask you that.

Jim
Hello?

Alana and Alex continue their conversation at a level inaudible to the average human ear, indeed perhaps they communicate telepathically.

Jim
What's going on?

Alex spins on his heels and flicks over through the channels.

Leon
What are you doing?

Jim
What is he doing?

Alex
Hmm?

There's Ice Hockey on the telly now... this is the case for a short while.

Leon
Is now really the time for watching Ice Hockey?
Put on teletext, How did Yeovil do?

Alex
Huh? Oh...

He flicks on to a black screen looking remarkably similar to a UNIX terminal. The green type flashesacross the screen.

AX3
Halloo!

Jim
I know that voice... He was in Babylon 5...

AX3
No.

Leon
Well I don't have a CLUE who it is.

Alex
Nor me.

Alana
That's AX3, the pan dimensional computer system.

Jim
Ah... yeah. Hey, AX3!

AX3
What's the problem, guys?

Jim
Hello...!

Leon
We have to find a way of swapping places with Craig T. Nelson.

A vase flies between them and the screen, and fragments against the wall.

AX3
You're talking to the wrong guy.

Alex
Well put us in touch with the right guy...

AX3
You need Tosh, but I don't know how to get in
touch with him... He's on the other side, you see...

Leon
Any ideas?

AX3
One.

Sarah
Go on...

AX3
You'll not like it...

Leon
What...

AX3
Are you familliar with a Mr. Frizzard?

Leon
In what sense 'familiar'?

AX3
Do you know him?

Jim
We've met him.

Leon
We tried to rent a house from him once...
It wasn't a pleasant experience.

AX3
Find him. And get inside his house...

Leon
But that would mean total inversion of everything we hold dear.

AX3
It is your only hope...

Sarah
I'm confused...

Narrator:
And so they set forth towards Mr. Frizzard's place
in order to seek a path to the devine Tosh.

to Episode Two Part Two