EPISODE TWO:
PART TWO:

EXT - LAWRENCE STREET DISTRICT YORK - DAY

Crane shots as our trusty heroes: Alex, Leon, Jim, Alana and Sarah arrive at Mr Frizzard's house.
Jim knocks on the door. Beat.

Jim
I don't think he's in.

FRIZZARD (Clive Dunn), an old man with a bulbous nose that looks like a pommigrannit, opens the door.

Frizzard
Hello?

Jim, has not noticed that the door has been answered, and begins to knock on Frizzard's unpleasant looking large nose.

Jim
Urgh! I touched his nose... I touched his nose...!!

Frizzard
Mr Barrett, I presume.

Jim
Yes.

Leon's nose begins to hemarage.

Leon
Urgh... Ne'mind HIS nose! I think I'm going to die.

He passes out for a while. Sarah catches him and props him up until he comes round again.

Frizzard
Oooh, I don't think I can let him in...

Jim
Why not?

Frizzard
Well, he might die..

Jim
It's alright, we'd take him out afterwards.

Alana
It's a sign of affection...

Frizzard
It's just we've never had anyone die in here before...

Jim
It's okay.

Frizzard
I'd have to check with my bosses...

Alex
Can we look around your house please?

He smiles threateningly, brandishing a pick axe, and Frizzard leads them in.
Leon starts coughing up blood.

Leon
I think that was a piece of my liver...

Sarah
Shut up, Leon... Come on.

INT - FRIZZARD'S HOUSE - HALLWAY / STAIRS etc - DAY

Frizzard
This is the bathroom, and upstairs here... ooh... Igor!

IGOR (Geoff Drewitt) is a student passing into the hall from an adjoining room. He looks disheveled and bent.

Igor
Yes, master?

Frizzard
There's some paper coming up here. Paste it down.

Igor
Aye, m'lord...

Frizzard leads them upstairs. Followed by Jim, Sarah, Alana, Alex and Leon. Leon's nose is still spewing forth jam. As they climb:

Alex
Would it surprise people very much if I were to come out
and say that I'm actually a fluffy little bunny-rabbit?

Alana
Yeah.

Alex
Well I'm not...

Leon
Good...

Alex
grinning scarily:
I am the sunshine.

Frizzard has reached the top now.

Frizzard
Up here is the living room, and the kitchen. And... Oh,
hello there, I'm just showing these people around.

This is addressed to a bare footed man in a white smock, with scraggly hair, a beard, and some pretty serious scabs... on his feet mainly.

Sarah & Jim
Stew?

Alex
What the..?

Stew
Hello. Sarah, come to my arms.

Sarah
<grudgingly>
Er... Hi.
<she looks back at Jim>

Alana
I'm confused.

Stew
Ah, Alana, hello...

Alana
Eh?

Stew
Let me introduce myself... I'm the son of God...

Leon
I thought your dad was Dennis Taylor.

Stew
So did I... but apparently, would you believe it, it's not Dennis
TAYLOR after all. It's Dennis POTTER!

Jim
You mean Dennis Potter's God?

Stew
Yup. Can't you see? That's why our lives mimmick
that soap opera thingy on AVWoman1 so well.

Alex
Well if your dad's God, then surely he can get us back home.

Stew
You'd think so, wouldn't y'...

Alana
Well can you take us to Tosh?

Stew
Um... I don't know... My dad doesn't
like me going round his place.

Sarah
What?

Stew
Follow me and I'll show you.

He leads them through a hole in the ceiling to a wonderfully beautiful cloudy place.

EXT - HEAVEN (C-KEY)- DAY

They eventually reach some big rought iron gates by which stands Peter Simon (hismelf), host of TV's Double Dare programme. The gates are strewn with doughnuts.

Stew
Hiya, Pete. Got a few people to show around.

Peter opens the gate. Everyone wanders in.
At the other side of the gate, the clouds turn grey and damp, and explosions can be seen in the distance.
One particularly unpleasant cloud is mushrooming up, out to the left on the horizon.
In the distance we can make out a settlement of concrete buildings ...all very Birmingham.

Stew
You see, the thing is, there's a bit of a war on at the moment...

Jim
A war? In Heaven?

Stew
Tosh and my dad are having a bit of a scrap....

Alex
Ah. So let's get your dad to sort things out.

Stew
That's the catch. Dad can't put things right cos he's too
busy fighting, and Tosh can't put things right because
he's... well, he's pissed nine times out of ten.

Leon
So what are we going to do.

Stew
Well I think the first thing on the agenda would
be to stem that flow of blood from your nose.

Stew touches Leon's head and the nosebleed stops. All evidence of it is cleaned away.

Leon
Halleluliah! I'm cured!

Alex
And then?

Stew
Well I vote that we all get pissed. Anybody got any water?

Leon
Sounds like a good idea to me.

Alex
Only if we can go to the Mucky Irishman.

Stew
Ooh no, there's no Mucky Irishmen up
here... They're Catholic see...

Alex
And Catholics don't get in heaven?

Stew
Not in this bit. They insist on living in a segregated area.

Leon
Really?

Jim
What about the other faiths?

Stew
They're all around, someplace... They all live in their own little enclaves...
nine times out of ten, they're replicas of Jerusalem. I don't see the
attraction in it myself...They don't let you use blu-tak there...

Alex
What?!

Stew
It's true...

Leon
You think that's bad... They don't even have the stuff in Indonesia.

Stew
Really?

Leon
A-huh.

Sarah
Shouldn't we be finding our way back home...
or finding someone who can help us?

Stew
Yeah, alright. In a minute. There's no rush is there?

Alex shrugs.

Leon
You know, I'm not sure I like you being Jesus.

Jim
Yeah, this is a bit of an ego trip for you isn't it..

Sarah
And if it inflated anymore it'd burst.

Stew
Heh heh.

Leon
Look, are we going to get on with this or what?

Stew
What?

Alex
Ahem.

Stew
What? Get on with what?

Alex
Did I ever tell you all about the time I was polishing
my knife and I was having real difficulties in getting
these marks off until I realised they were my fingers.

Stew
Ha! It's funny because It's true!

Jim
Yees.

Stew
Oh Marge!

Jim
Was that supposed to be Homer Simpson?

Stew
I thought it was quite good.

Leon
It was awful.

Stew
Oh Marge!
<croaky:>
Oh Homer!

Jim
(getting annoyed now)
Stop that. Just stop that will you!

Stew
Sorry.

Jim
You're not though are you?

Stew
Not really, no.

Leon
Are we going or not?

Stew
Where?

Leon
To find a way out...

Alex
Yeah.

Jim
After you, Stew.

Stew
Hey! That rhymes!

Jim
Are you trying to avoid leaving or something?

Stew
Er...

Jim
You are!

Stew
No, no, it's not like that! It's just... It's just that if I go
back to Earth, people'll think it's the end of the world or
something. There'll be total chaos and it'll be all my
fault! I don't think I could handle that...

Jim
I don't think that'd happen...

Alex
And if it did, think of the fame, think of the notoriety...

Stew
It may or may not have escaped your notice, but as the son of god
in my many and varied forms, I am the most popular figure in the
world ever! I have all the notoriety I need, and frankly, it's
getting to me. Did you know, I can't even appear in a banana
anymore without being spotted and broadcast on the local news!
I can't even get a pint of milk from the local shop on account
that they don't serve shoe-less hippies because it contravenes
the hygeine regulations. But that's beside the point. Everywhere
I go, I'm followed by styleless youths in jumpers and slacks
waving tambourines and trying to touch me. I take my bed linen
to the laundrette, it doesn't clean. I take it to the dry
cleaners, I go back the next week and they've sold it on as a
religious ikon. I can't take it anymore!!! I just want to be
 a normal insignificant crap philosophy student who's shit with
 girls. As it is I have nuns coming up to me all the time, praying
for imaculate conception. I mean, it wouldn't be so bad, but
have you ever seen a nun? They're nuns for one reason and one
 reason only: they can't get any... I mean there's not one,
  not one who looks even remotely as attractive as Sister Stephanie
  from Father Dowling. It makes me maaaaad! I'm supposed to be
this pacifistic hippy who loves everybody, but there are some
people that, you know, even the best of us want to beat them to
death with a brick... It's no good. I'm ditching this. I'm
getting a moheican and joining a punk band! And now I'm going to
stop because I've run out of breath.

Silence.

Leon
Finished?

Stew
Yeah.

Leon
Good.

Jim
Come on then... let's find someone who can get us out of here.

Stew
I mean, Mary Magdalen... I fucked that one up reyt didn't I...
Where'd I go wrong, eh? It was going so well, and then I go and
blow it. I don't know. It was Easter, so I bought her an egg.
 Well you do that don't you. Okay, so the cuddly chicken was a bit
much, but you'd've thought she'd be flattered... And the sheep,
well that was just a joke... I don't know. Mary Magdalen. Only
  girl I ever got near... You know, if it hadn't been for getting
 crucified mid-courtship... Oh, I don't know... maybe I should
just slash my wrists. Some good it'd do me though... I only want
a simple life... I only want to live like a badger... It's not
much to ask. Me and my badgerette scrape together enough to
drop out of society and live a subsistent life without TOO much
hard work... Mary'd've been great for that... Oh... screw this
immortality lark. Hello? Hello!? Where've you gone?! Wait up.

He runs to catch up with the rest of them, smock-thing billowing in the wind.

Jim
I shared a prison cell with a nun once.
She wasn't bad looking... till she died...
I don't know what he's on about...

Sarah taps her head to imply that Stew is mentally deficient.

Mix...

Our heroes have been wandering for hours in war-torn heaven. It's getting dark. They stop at a traffic lights.

EXT - TRAFFIC LIGHTS, HEAVEN - EVENING

Concrete buildings abound.

Mary (Janet Ellis)
(appearing from an alleyway)
Hello, boys.. want some entertainment?

Stew
What?... Mary?!

Mary
Oh, hello, Stew... Didn't see you there... How you doing?

Stew
Fair enough. Yourself?

Mary
Yeah. Want a sausage?

Stew
Yeah, go on...

Mary
Anyone else?

General murmur of agreement.
She leads them to a nearby hot-dog stall.

EXT - SQUARE w. HOT DOG STALL - EVENING

Buildings surround in the three seen directions.
Unseen, behind camera, are sand dunes, and war-torn clouds, stretching off towards barbed wire installations and unpleasant darkness...
The Hot-Dog Stall is one of those portable trailer types.
A Turko-Chilean man, CHE (Art Malik) serves.

Che
Yaw! Hawwaya, Mary?

Mary
Tengo Treinta anos, bebe..

Che
Lapsang Taeshoq.

Mary
Allah Shamol!

Che
(to Leon)
Yo, muerte grande!
Whadda you have?

Leon
A sausage please.

Che
Just one, sausage?

Leon
Yes.

Che
You no wanna more?

Leon
No.

Che
Okay,
(to Mary)
Y tu, vulva abierta?

Mary
No es sympatico, bebe!

Che
Moi?

Mary
Zsa zsa zsa!

Che
Chino!

Sarah
(mainly to Jim)
What's going on?

Mary
Oh, I'm sorry... This guy is Che F. Gurdwara.
He's like the hot-dog equivalent of a cocktail waiter.

Che F
(to Sarah)
Do you often go to cocktail bars?

Sarah
Not really.

Che F
So you go to cocktail bars?

Sarah
I have parties occasionally.

Che F
So you like cocktails?

Sarah
A bit.

Che F
You're crazy. Cocktails are like vomit.
And, hey, that's where I vomitted.

points to floor

Mary
He comes round when I have parties.

Che F
There, right where you're standing.

Alex
(to Mary)
So you have cocktail parties?

Mary
No. Fondu parties.

Alex
You have fondu parties?

Jim
(to Mary)
Wow. He does fondus?

Che
I am the fondu king, penis piquenno.

Jim
Wow... Do you sell fondus here?

Che
Do bears shit in the woods?

Jim
I imagine so.

Che
Is the pope cathartic?

Leon
Do you sell fondu?

Che
Yup, doo-doo de pollo.

Jim
I'll have a fondu then please.

Che
One fondu.

Jim
Yeah.

Che
That'd be two quid.

Jim rummages in his pocket and pulls out a £2 coin.

Jim
Here's a wodgie.

Che
Why thankyou. Ow!

Jim
(to Sarah)
Yes indeedy.

Che
(to Leon)
Your sausage, beaver cunt.

Leon
Er, thankyou.

Mary
Dos willies aqui tambien, Che F.

Che
Yo ho.

Alana
(to Sarah)
This is a very bizzare day.

Che
Is no non other gonna get some food yo son of a rat whore fish?
    You know my local pheasant is so local, even the local police want a piece.
<beat>
I'll take that as a non.

Mary
(heading over to Stew)
So what brings you here, Stew?

Stew
Er, y'know... erm.

Jim
We're looking for a guy called Tosh.

Mary
Tosh?

Jim
Yeah.

Mary
And you are..?

Stew
Sorry... this is Jim, this is Alex, this is Leon,
this is Sarah, my wife, and this is Alana.

Mary
Your wife?

Stew
No, Alana's not my wife. She's just someone who Alex knows.

Mary
No, Sarah.

Sarah
Yes. I'm his wife. You must be Mary.

Mary
Yeah.

Che
(to Jim)
Wow! One fondu, cocina de la bastardes.

Jim
Thanky' duck, ta...

Che
Sorry?

The group sit on a two-tiered cloudy tuft nearby (kind of like steep steps, but made of cloud). Jim sits on the tier directly above Leon.

Jim tucks into his fondu.

Jim
Wow! This is the best fondu I've ever had!

Che
Y tu es un cabeza de un hijo caramel.

Jim
Er, thankyou.

Che
Ha ha!

Mary
(to Jim)
He said you have a striking personality.

Jim
Well, I do...

Stew
He hits me all the time!

Leon
With good reason.

Stew
That's not fair.

Mary
Che?

Che
Mary, my cervaza de amore...

Mary
Y tu es un merda grande de un lobster,
perro ?donde es, erm... Tosh?

Che
?Tosh?

Mary
Yes, Tosh.

Che
Tosh is, erm... how can I put it... Tosh is... I don'know.

Mary
Ah.

Stew
Well who does?

Che
Erm... Tosh's henchman is back here...
Shall I, erm... D'y'wanna speaka widdim?

Stew
A-huh.

From behind the counter pops up the bespectacled face of the fearsome warrior android we all know and love...

BabyS
Ah! Good afternoon!

Jim
<dropping his steaming fondu on Leon>
Argh!

Leon
Ow! Owwwowowowoowo!!!!

Stew
Babysham?!!!

Che
Do you know this guy then?

Stew
Babysham is the droid that destroyed us all several months ago,
and would've done so again had we not been saved by the goddess, Jane...

BabyS
You need not fear me, Stewart. I am not as I once was.

Jim
But weren't you presenting fifteen to one?

BabyS
I WAS, until Laura realised the prize had been nicked. Then
 we had to give up, and I was out of a job. Needless to say, if
 I ever find who stole that arsing crystal, I'll kill them.

Jim
Well yes, but apart from that, you have no plans to kill anybody...

BabyS
Not unless my master, Tosh, commands me to.

Jim
And is he likely to?

BabyS
I shouldn't think so.

Jim
Good.

Stew
Do you know where your master is?

BabyS
Well... not exactly.

Stew
What do you mean, not exactly?

BabyS
I've lost him... So I'm trying to find him again.

Stew
Like a little doggy.

Jim
Then we shall help you to find him.

Alex
Are you sure that that's a good idea?

Jim
Yeah. Where were you planning to look for him?

BabyS
I have heard tell that he is over at the
other side... In commune XR3I.

Mary
Commune XR3I? What's there?

BabyS
I know not the answer to that question.

Mary
Well I've got nothing to do. I may as well accompany you lot.

Che
Commune XR3I is far away, across the battle zone.
<Reveal the dunes etc, that were until now unseen behind the camera.>
You will need an experienced guide.

Leon
Do you know one?

Stew
I knew an experienced guide once... On a Scout camp...
they found my mates keks in her tent...

Jim
Shut up, Stew.

Che
I have a basic knowledge in that area. I am also
an expert in gorrilla warfare, you correos.

Stew
Or we could just go with an ape.

Jim
What?

Alex
But not with a wombat.

Stew
Oh no, not with a wombat. Wombats have no sense of direction.

Jim
Are you making some sort of convelouted pun on gorilla warfare?

Stew
Erm.

Leon
It's not a very good one.

Sarah
I'd like to say something now, because you're paying me quite a
lot, and yet I seem to never ever get used. In fact, I expect
I'll be killed off as we travel through this warzone.

Alana
That's a point. And what about me? I say fuck all.

Stew
Yeah, but that's your character trait.

Sarah
It's not mine. I'll be dead if I come with you lot, I can sense
 it. You've clearly run out of ideas for what to do with me.

Stew
I've got plenty of ideas as to what to do with you.

Sarah
Shut up, Stew... I'm off to play golf.

Alana
Golf?!

Sarah
Golf. Are you coming?

Alana
No, I think I'll stick around.

Sarah walks off in the direction of some dunes and a bunker.

Stew
Sarah!

Sarah doesn't reply.
Suddenly, as she approaches the bunker, an aircraft swoops past and drops a bomb which explodes, showering sand and gunk.
Amidst the sound of the explosion, we hear:

Sarah
Argh!

Alana
Oh my god! Sarah's dead.

Stew
Oh yeah! Oh well.

Jim is in shock.

Che
!Come on, spatulas del mi arse, let us cruze la battlezone!

Stew
Onwards, to Tosh!

Melt to:

EXT - DENSE MANGROVE SWAMP - DAWN

It is very foggy. We pan around trying to locate the voice:

Stew
<off>
Leon?!      Leon!!       LEON!!!!       Anybody?

Jim
<distant>
Will I do?

Shot of Stew squatting in the mangrove - tastefully framed.

Stew
We've run out of bog roll.

Jim
<off>
Well can't you use some leaves?

Stew
Er... not really... they've all got ants and shit on them...

Leon appears chewing the hind leg of a wombat.

Leon
Did someone want me?

Stew
Go back to base camp and get some more bog-roll.

Leon
Right.

Time-lapse through the day as Stew sits patiently, with moulding trousers round his ankles.
Eventually a hand appears from some folliage, passing a roll of bog paper.

Cut to Stew chasing the rest of the team, who have marched on and reached dense thickett.

Che
Our way is barred.

Alex
Hang on.

He produces a big machetti and begins to hack through.

Jim
I never knew you had one of those...

Alex
I keep it for special occasions.

Stew
I'm pissed off.

Leon
Shut up.

Alex
It wasn't a good night last night. I hardly got any
sleep, what with all those tanks driving past.

Stew
You got that at our house...

Alex
I couldn't sleep then either.

Jim
What?

Alex
I haven't slept for fourteen years...

Menacing glint in his eye.

The team reach a bridge.
In trenches to the side they come across a weary captain. It is CHRIS..

EXT - TRENCH - NIGHT

Explosions go off in the distance. Occasionally the occupants are showered in filth / jam.

Lots of crouching in mud.

Leon
If it isn't...

Chris
Leon! Leon!!

<he gives him a friendly drunken punch on the arm>

Stew
Is he pissed?

BabyS
In both senses of the word, probably...

Stew
Why?

BabyS
He appears to have lost his leg.

Stew
Well I can see he's legless...

Alex
You're forgetting I have a very large knife.

Chris
Stew! How are you? As you can perrobably see, I'm more than a
lickle derunk... so if I say anything then you are more than... Jim!!

Jim
 Hello, Chris.

Chris
I haven't seen you in... ooh, two years...

<he holds up a single finger>

Jim
Er yes...

Chris
Stew, stew...

Stew
What?

Stew comes in close and is dragged down by Chris.

Chris
How are you going on with your guitar?

Stew
Er... alright, I suppose...

Chris
Can you do bar chords yet?

Stew
Not exactly, you see, you've got to remember that I sort
of bought it because it looked pretty, played it once
and then regretted the cash flow problem ever since...

Chris
Yeah, yeah, but what about.. .I'm having a bit of
trouble with this song. It goes Am, E, G, B.

<throughout his jibbering he demonstrates fingering on an air guitar.>

Stew
Ah, well you see I can't do Bs very well at all.

Chris
No, no, well I tend to find it's easier
to play B suspended second.

Stew
Oh.

Chris
Are you getting this?

Stew
Er, yes... B suspended second...

Chris
Are you sure you don't want a drink?

Stew
Certain. There's plenty of water here anyway...
I can always do one of my tricks.

Chris
Yeah. I got to hand it to you, that Jesus thing.

Stew
Yeah?

Chris
Yeah. I mean, You've got the hair for it and everything.

Stew
Ta.

Chris
Yeah, while I could like be really good at all the Jesus stuff,
 I could never be Jesus... unless I had hair like yours.
You've got to have the hair for it.

Stew
Yeah... So what happened here then?

Chris
Big bomb went off.

Stew
Oh. Must've smelt a bit.

Leon
I really will hit you.

Stew
Shut up or I'll smite you.

Alex
I thought you were supposed to be a pacifist...

Stew
I'm the son of Dennis Potter, I can be whatever I want to be.

Chris
Although you can only really be whatever we choose you to be.

Leon
(intrigued by Chris's moment of drunken lucidity)
What?

Stew
(confused)
Indigo, I think...

Suddenly, from down the trench runs WILLIAM G. STEWART (himself), waving a can of film.

Will
BabySham, BabySham!

BabyS
Ah! Billy G. I see you have the footage.

Will
Yes.

BabyS takes the can and threads the reel onto a cine projector.
The projector projects images onto the smokey sky.

Alana
It's beautiful...

BabyS
This is the security film from the Fifteen to One camera seven.

Jim
Not the one watching the crystal?

BabyS
The very same.

Stew
Oh dear.

BabyS
When I release the pause, we shall all see the true
identity of the evil thieves that stole the crystal.

Che
Begin la beguinne...

The film rolls and we see black and white footage of our heroes and their antics.
The explosions die away over the next few lines and will be forgotten about...

BabyS
Jim!? How could you?

Jim
I think you'll find it was Leon who stole it.

BabyS
Leon?

Leon
Alex told me to.

Alex
No I didn't, it was Stew.

Leon
Yes, Stew was behind it all.

BabyS
Then Stew will be tried before the Sanhedrin.

Stew
But... But.. That Sarah had something... wha... thanks guys!...

Stew is taken off by two Legionaries who appear from behind camera.

Jim
There must be something we can do.

BabyS
Your only hope is to raise the money needed to pay his ransom.

Jim
How much is that?

BabyS
Three yizzles.

Jim
I'm skint.

General nods of "so am I".
Mary subtly presses Will to respond.

Will
I have three yizzles.

Mary
Please...

Will
No. I'm not going to give them to you.

Jim
Why not?

Will
Because I'm on the side of BabySham in
this. Frankly, Stew must be punnished.

Mary
What about if we were to... erm...

Will
Well...

Mary
Step this way please.

The two dissappear behind a nearby tabernacle in a wide forum-section of trench.
And reappear seconds later, looking somewhat dishevelled.

Mary
That'd be three yizzles please.

Will
There you go.

Mary
That's three plinks!

Will
I'm sorry, I must have got it wrong. They're not yizzles?

Mary
No. They're plinks.

Jim
Damn!

BabyS
(interrupting from right-of-shot)
Your friend has been tried before the sanhedrin.

Jim
He has?

BabyS
The result of the trial is that he should be crucified until dead.

PONTIUS PILATE (John Thaw) appears from the tabernacle, brandishing a hammer and some nails.

Pilate
Erm, crucifiction's out I'm afraid..

BabyS
How come?

Pilate
You can't get the wood, y'know. We're right out.

BabyS
In that case...

<he shoots Stew with a gun>

Stew
Argh!

Stew dies.
Dramatic chord...

Jim
You killed him!

Leon
Yey!

Jim
He's dead!

Leon
Again!

Jim
Ooh...

Leon
Excuse me.

Pilate hands leon a purse of moneys. Leon looks smug.
Stew's body is dragged into a nearby cave in the edge of the trench. A stone is rolled over the enterance.
Mary and Alana sit and mourn.
Meanwhile:

EXT - GRASSY HILLOCK WITH TREE, BY BRIDGE, ABOVE TRENCH - FIRST CRACK OF DAWN

Leon sits under an old tree, counting his money.
All signs of the war have vanished, and dawn is just beginning.
Jim approaches.

Jim
What was the money that roman gave you?

Leon
It's miiiiiine...

Jim
You didn't betray Stew did you?

Leon
Meeeeeeeeee?

Jim
And why do you keep stretching your vowels like that?

Leon
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!

Jim
This is silly.

Chris approaches.

Chris
Hello.

Jim
Hello, Chris.

Chris
My name is Kieth Chegwin.

Jim
Ah.

Chris scratches in a strange manner.

Jim
Where did you get that mixing desk?

Chris
My name is Kieth Chegwin and I eat plants.

He then eats several snooker balls all glued together by the props department so as to appear as a plant in the snookering terminology.

Jim
Something strange is going on here.

EXT - TRENCH - DAWN

Return to the cave entrance where suddenly the rock begins to roll. Back this with something by Gene Vincent.
The two female members of the cast enter the cave, somewhat nervously, and discover the coffin empty.
Confused, they turn to find Stew standing behind them, reborn, with shorter silly hair, and lots of blood.

Stew
Hello, my name is Norris McWherter, how are you?

Return to Jim et al:

EXT - HILLOCK - DAWN

Where Chris is eating from a bag of sweeties.

Chris
Would you like a skittle?

Jim
Yes please.

Chris hands Jim a bowling pin.

Jim
Hmm.

Alex enters eating a whale.

Jim
Alex! What are you eating?

Alex speaks in the manner of Clement Freud.

Alex
I am eating a whale. There are many kinds of whale.
There is the blue whale, the white whale, the sperm whale,
the narwhal, and of course the hump-backed variety of this
great beast. It was while dealing with a blue whale in...

There is a buzzing noise.
Cut to Nicholas Parsons (himself) sat at a desk at the bottom of the hillock.

Nicholas Parsons
Leon interrupted there.

Leon
(with the voice of Derek Nimmo)
Repetition of blue.

Parsons
Yes, one two many blues there, so Leon,
with ten seconds remaining I'd like you to talk on
the subject of whales starting... now.

Leon
I once went on holiday to an absoloutely gorgeous, a positively
devine area of that principality of the United Kingdom of Great
Britain and Northern Ireland which we refer to as Wales, or, if
 you were to speak their quinsitentially terrific little language, Cymru...

Buzz.

Parsons
Jim?

Jim
with the voice of Peter Jones
Deviation from the english language.

Parsons
Sorry?

Jim
Cymru. It's Welsh, isn't it...

Parsons
Well, er.. quite right. An interesting challenge and so...

Jim
Er.. yes... I thought so.

Parsons
Okay, on that bombshell, with point nought
two seven of a second remaining...

At which point, a bomb drops on them and our heroes are destroyed.
As the dust clears we see that the scene has been transformed into:

EXT - A GENERIC LONDON COMPREHENSIVE SCHOOL - MORNING

Establish.
At the gates, Jim walks into school with MIDGE (still Mel Giedroyc).

Jim
The dating agency is just bound to make
me increadibly-creadibly rich.

Midge
Yes. And may even result in the
successful pairing of loving couples.

Jim
Yeah. I can smell that money. It's a good job no-one
realises that our highly sophisticated computer dating
system is actually just a program typed in BASIC on an
archimedes and linked on the Econet to a computer where
all the complicated data management is handled by you.

Midge
Yes. Ow!

Jim
Are your contact lenses hurting you again.

Midge
Yes.

Jim
You'll get used to them.

Cut to:

INT - ART CLASS - DAY

New art teacher, Leon, is demonstrating how to draw stick men.
Suddenly, from the centre of the class there is raucous panic as ROWLAND (Gareth Bowley), a fat kid, shrieks in agony from having a pointy stick thrust through his body by a ginner kid called JACK (Mark Curry).
Leon laughs.

INT - SCIENCE LAB - DAY

A silly haired, bespectacled teacher called Stew demonstrates to a student called RALPH (Matthew Perry) how to make a bomb.
Suddenly, the door bursts open.
Rhymthic music pounds as Chris cartwheels in in slow motion, wearing a big black leather trench coat and sunglasses, and firing off a gun in each hand.
General destruction. Time slice photography. More slow motion cart-wheeling.
Chris hides behind the blackboard and discards his spent guns. Pulls out two more.
More firing.  The surviving children build barricades from school furniture, but to little avail.
Then we cut to the forgotten about bomb which blinks 00:03 00:02 00:01.

INT - CORRIDOR - DAY

TWO TWIN GIRLS stand next to each other in the foreground.
In the background, a double door blows open with some explosive force, and a river of blood cascades forwards, lapping at the girls' ankle socks.
We zoom past the girls as the corridor floods. Debris passes by.
Shot from deep within the blood, the corpse of Alana drifts past.
Mix to the flashing blue of an ambulance light.

EXT - PLAYGROUND - DAY

There are three ambulances parked in the playground as the school burns quietly behind.
Another ambulance approaches.
Council workers pour out sand on the rivers of blood.
The corpse of Chris, in his long black trench-coat, still clutches the guns.
Pull away.
Midge shrieks in the foreground.

Jim
What is it?

Midge
I've lost one of my contact lenses.

The two hit the floor, feeling around for the offending piece of plastic.
Their hands touch, and we cut away from something soppy.

Meanwhile, at the flaming edge of the school, Ralph runs, persued by a painted Jack.

Jack
Die Ralph Die!

The fire catches Ralph who dies in the inferno. Jack laughs.

Jack
Hah hah ah hahah hah ha hha hah ha ha hha ha ha hah ha hah ah ah !
From this day on I will be known as the evil Siddor!!! Ha ha ha ha
ha ha hah ah ah ah ha ha hah ah hah ah hahah ha ha hah ah a hahah!

Stew appears from a random piece of rubble. He clutches the disembodied robot head of Babysham.

Stew
Alas, poor babysham. I knew him, Che.

Che
(appearing at Stew's side)
Did you?

Stew
Yes. He tried to kill me many times. But he grew to be a wise,
peace-loving robot. It is in lasting testament to him that I
should try to live my life exactly as he would've done.

Che
That is why you have the silly hair?

Stew
No, that was because of the lego. I told you that...

Che
Ha!

Stew
From the ashes of this school, let us all stand tall
and proud and remember that we won this battle.

Che
What battle?

Stew
Here, have a piece of cardboard.

Che
Thankyou.

As he passes Che a piece of cardboard, they trigger another bomb.
A mushroomcloud ejaculates into the atmosphere.

EXT - A NEARBY HILL - LATE AFTERNOON / EARLY EVENING

Jim and Midge survey the rubble from a local peak. They begin to embrace in the sillhoette of the sun.
At which point Leon walks before the camera, obscuring such antics.

Leon
Now, you may have noticed that events have taken a turn somewhat
on the odd side. This is because Juliet Bravo is on at the moment.

Alex appears from behind him.

Alex
Have a scone.

Leon
Thank you very much.

Leon walks out of shot a little and chews.

Alex
(to camera)
Hello. I'm Alex. Would you like to die today?

The camera shakes horizontally.

Alex
Then be very very quiet. Because I'm going to destroy the world now.

Leon
Mrmmph!?!

Alex
Only joking. I'm just here to explain what's happening.

Leon
Mmrm. Mmmrm mrmm mr..

Alex
Thankyou. So Stew was born again again, but everyone got killed in
a bomb, but being as we're in telly world, we were all recasted in
Grange Hill. Then some of us died again, and Maria Callas is very nice.

Leon
German bite.

Che
Are these your spoons?

Han paracends into frame.

Han
 Excuse me. What do you think you're doing? What's all this?
Have you found the Chronicle of Enderon yet?

Leon sticks a finger in his direction.

Alex
You see, we now know that you were the evil snuff king of Jenga 4.

Han
(to camera)
Damn.

Alex
And this quest you've sent us on is an incredibly
dangerous thing designed not for our escape but for
your acquisition of a particular snuff recipe.

Han
Curse you meddling kids.

Jim
(clutching the still half blind Midge)
And all we needed to do to escape was press the off switch.

Midge
Which we're off to do now.

Han
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Leon
Shut up.

INT - CROSS-DIMENSIONAL PORTAL

Leon, Jim, Alex and Midge approach a mystical television set of massive dimensions.
They approach the static screen and begin to step into the picture.

But Midge spots a poor little UNICORN in distress

Midge
Wait! Look at that poor little distressed unicorn. I must save it!

Midge runs back.
The unicorn turns into a huge demon: VENGER (fx). Who eats her.

Jim
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Jim chases at Vengor. Vengor looms up to his full size, and begins to summon all his power.
At which point, only hundredths prior to Jim's zapping, Stew and Che fall onto Vengor from out of the sky, and Vengor breaks his neck as he hits the floor.
Jim kicks him in the goolies and Vengor dies.

And thereupon the DUNGEON MASTER (voice of Paul Daniels) appears.

DM
You see. You can never go back...

Penfold
Crumbs.

Stew
Damn you, Dungeon Master!!!

DM
Ha. That's magic.

Leon
It's fucking Paul Daniels!

At which Leon kills the dungeon master.
At which SIX MILLION KILLER WIZBITS (sort of yellow, conical minnions) fly into the room.
Leon produces a protective shell which he hides in.
Stew hides under a table.
Alex runs through the TV screen (still on static)

Jim
Wait! You can't go yet! It's not tuned in!

But Alex is gone.
And the Wizbits kill Jim and Che before flying off again.

Stew and Leon survey the carnage.

When all of a sudden, Jim starts coughing and spluttering.

Stew
Jim?!

Jim's face begins to contort and go a funny colour.

Leon
What's going on?

Narrator
Find out in the next thrilling instalment!

Episode 3