A New Soap

EPISODE THREE:
PART ONE:

Narration (Anna Ford):
Having found their way safely home, our heroes: Jim, Stew, Leon, Alex and
American actress Sarah Michelle Gellar find themselves sucked into the world
of television. Here they are reliably informed that the only way back is to locate
the mysterious Chronicle of Enderon. After Sarah kills Stew for being a vampire,
The remaining team, plus an old friend of Alex called Alana, quickly embark on
a breathtaking search for the amazing book; a journey that allows them to meet
Daevid Allen, Carlos Santana and Craig T. Nelson. They finally discover that the
book lies in the hands of the mystical Tosh, and attempt to locate him through a
pandimensional portal in rented accomadation. Here they are reunited with Stew
who turns out to be the son of  God. He guides his old friends through the kingdom
of heaven, which is currently a war zone. Sarah dies, but the team is further
augmented by Stew's old girlfriend- Mary Magdalen, and a strange hot-dog stall
owner come revolutionary called Che F. Gurdwara. In a bunker, deep in enemy
territory, they are also reunited with Chris and BabySham, and great fun is had.
But then the televisual firmament becomes unstable and the viewer tires of the
programme. Resultantly our heroes are flicked from channel to channel until
finally they realise that the whole Chronicle of Enderon affair was a big dupe
and that the way out is easier than they imagined it to be.

INT - CROSS-DIMENSIONAL PORTAL SPACE

It would appear that Jim is dead. But all of a sudden, he starts coughing and spluttering.

Stew
Jim?!

Jim's face begins to wizz and turn many exciting colours.

Leon
What's going on?

Jim
Argh!!!!

Leon
What's happening?

Jim
Ooh...

Slowly his face begins to alter.
With slightly different features, Jim gets up and dusts himself off.
He now talks with a brummy twang. He is played by Frank Skinner.

Jim
Phew. Thank god for that.

Stew
What's going on? Who are you?
What have you done with Jim?

Jim
Hello?

Leon
He's regenerated, like a timelord...

Stew
You're a timelord?

Jim
Urm. Yep. Yeah, that's right. Of course, er...
I'm alright now. But, erm...  didn't we ought to
find Alex and get out of here? Now where is he?

Leon
You don't remember that he stepped through into static then?

Jim
What?! No! He could be anywhere! Come on, we'd better find him.

Jim drags the two of them into the static picture.

Cut to:

EXT - SNOWY LANDSCAPE - NIGHT

There is a blizzard. In the distance we make out the three of them, labouring through the drifting snow.

Stew
I'm freezing my bits off 'ere.

In the distance, a sillhoette of a figure can be made out, battling through the snow. It is ROD. Rod walks determinedly towards the camera.
Shot of a piece of cheese. Rod again. JANE sat in the door of an igloo, suckling a baby at her left breast. A viking helmet. Rod. An entire smorgesbord. Rod. Marching through the snow. He approaches our heroes.

Jim
Rod of Magar!

Rod
Jim. Hello. You're just the people to help me.

Stew
We are?

Rod
Yes.

Jane appears from behind them.

Jane
We have settled our differences and have teamed
up to fight the gods for our right to be amongst them.

Stew
Oh.

Jim
And we can help you, how?

Rod
We must perform 12 unearthly tasks.

Stew
How many you done so far?

Jane
Three.

Stew
Oh. Cool. I was kind of expecting you to say less than that.

Rod
No, three it is.

Stew
Oh. Great..

Jim
Well how can we help you?

Rod
First we require a computer.

Jim
Then I'm your man.

Rod
No. Not just any computer.

Jim
No?

Rod
No. We require a BBC.

Leon
Demanding, these gods o' yours.

Jim
We'll help you, but only if you help us locate Alex.

Jane
Very well.

Stew
Are there any other tasks we could
be getting on with in the mean time?

Rod
We need to gain access to an office.

Jim
Well, if _you_ look after that one, Stew...

Stew
What, when where, how? Office?!

Jim
Yes.

Stew
I can't enter an office. It's against my religion.

Leon
 Not this again.

Jim
We've been through this before.

Stew
I'm sorry.

Leon
I should think so too.

Jim
Leon, _you'll_ have to do it...

Leon
Oh alright...

Leon goes off to buy a paper.

Leon
I'm off to buy a paper.

Into the wastes of snowy white he vanishes.

Jim
We must find Alex.

Rod
We require a BBC.

Jim
Yeah, I know, you said...

Rod
Good.

Stew
 Well what are we gonna do then?

Jim
Let's get the audience to help us.

Cut to a Where's Wally type screen.

Narrator (John Cleese)
Hidden within this page is Alex. You have one minute to find him.

the minute ticks down on a clock.

Narrator
Yes. He was here.

highlight Alex. Back to snowscape.

Alex
Thank god you found me.

Stew
It's the audience you should be thanking.

Alex
(to camera)
Thankyou. I really mean it. If you hadn't've found me...
well... I don't know.. I... I'm just glad you really took the time
 out to have a damn good root around. In fact I'm so appreciative
of the fact that you actually tried to do that puzzle rather than just
sitting there twiddling your thumbs, or making a cup of tea,
that, as a present, I feel I must reward you with a song.

Music starts up.

Alex
I work all night, I work all day
To pay the bills I have to pay...

There is a huge scratching noise.
The NARRATOR steps in.

Narrator
Erm... excuse me, but I've just found out... that, erm...
nobody actually really looked around, and erm...
consequently, you haven't been found, Alex.

Alex
What?

Narrator
You're still missing. The viewers didn't look for you.
Well, most of them didn't. One or two scanned
through it, but they couldn't find you.

Alex
(producing a small knife)
What's that?

Narrator
It's not me who makes the rules.

Alex attacks the Narrator. Camera pans left to Jim, Leon (with paper) and Stew's various facial expressions as they observe the events out of shot.
At one point, a shot of blood squirts into Stew's eye. Stew wipes it away.
Alex walks into shot, bits of flesh hanging off his clothes, and various smears of bood across his face. He wipes himself down with a cloth.

Alex
Y'alright?

Jim
Er, yes.

Rod
(stepping into frame and whispering politely into Jim's ear)
Computer.

Jim
Yeah. Right.
(looks around at sparse landscape)
And where we going to find one?

Jane
(also entering shot, and pointing north)
Over there lies an  industrial waste-land.

She walks off in that direction (which is to the back of the shot), and is
followed by everyone else. Pull out showing red stained snow.  Alex rotates a knife as he walks.

INT - INDUSTRIAL WASTELAND - NIGHT

Due to budget restrictions this set will be constructed from four aluminium planks stood on a black backdrop, with a couple of bits of copper piping leant into the middle two. A red sofa sits at the centre, and bits of PCB are strewn across the sound-stage. In front of the sofa is a big square telly designed to resemble the electron-beam source deep in the TV, and surrounding it are lights so bright that the TV screen is rendered almost invisible.
Polystyrene snow blows into shot from behind camera, as our heroes enter the set.

Jim
What's this?

John (Gareth Bowley)
(appearing in a DJ - Johnny Walker if we can get him - Boom boom... no, a dinner-jacket)
Hello, and welcome to Task Four. In order to
attain the BBC computer, you must prove victorious,
er, against these three tubs of molten margerine.

The THREE TUBS OF MOLTEN MARG turn to our heroes and wave.
Everyone assembles round the sofa.
Strange plinky music eminates from the electron source.
The electron source then produces an image of two figures bouncing up and down. The left figure is a rendering of Alex, the right a rendering of PRINCESS RAE. Princess Rae's breasts bounce up and down in a curious manner not unakin to that of water-filled balloons. In the two top corners are coloured bars.

John
Round one is the beat em up round, and today we've elected to
play 'Total Death Killer 7' on the Playdoh. Are you ready, Alex?

Alex
Yeah.

John
Are you ready, 'Buttery-marg'?

Marg1
 Yes.

John
Then er, somebody press start or something.

John then provides an inept comentary for the following fighting scenes depicted before our heroes by the electron beam:
Rae gets the first kick in, scraping the flesh clean off Alex's left ankle, but the manouver causes her skirt to ride dangerously high, revealing her knickers. The embarresment caused allows Alex to draw his big knife, and he lunges, but Rae manages to do a double kick to his face and groin. Alex falls back, wincing, and Rae just stands and bounces, but the bouncing causes her breasts to fly up and knock her unconscious. She collapses to the floor. Alex gets up, noticing that both require only one more hit to win. He utilises the half-techno-head-butt, but instead pulls a completely different special move which turns him upside down. Rae tries to get up, but her breasts fly back up into her face and knock her out again in such a way that Alex wins.

John
Well a win there for Alex. Marg, are you disappointed?

Marg1 blubbers.

John
And cut.

There is a long pause as John talks into his microphone at some people who obviously think he's a prick.

John
Hello? Are you there? I'm ready.

An episode of the Simpsons can be heard over the tanoy.

John
We're ready!

A VOICE, not unlike that of Davros, comes through.

Voice
 Fuck off, we're having a curry.

John
Er... right, the next round is the retro
round, and this week's game is chuckie egg.

Stew
That's mine. I'll do this, right?

Jim
Yeah. Okay.

John
And of course, because they're winning, the mortals don't get to
 play this game. In fact nobody plays this game, we just
 automatically give the margarine team thirty-five points.

Jim
What? How does that work?!

John
Shh..

Stew
Orrr...

John
Which brings us to the next round. Lotus 3, and who's
going to play this game for your team, Rod?

Rod
Er... Stew can.

Stew
Orr, cool.

John
Okay, so you know what to do?

Stew
Yep.

John
Great. Okay. Erm. Right. Go.

The game starts. It is Sonic the Hedgehog.

Stew
Hey, hang on, this is Sonic.

John
Er, yes.. that's right.

Jim
Press down and fire.

Stew
I am doing.

Jim
No! Just down.

Stew
Yeah...

Jim
Just down..

Stew
 I am doing! Ah!

Alex
 Noo! Don't jump the rings.

Jim
You're supposed to pick them up.

Stew
I'm trying.

John
And the margerine is way behind...

Stew
Hey, I've nearly done it.

John
And Stew is through to the finish.

Jim, Alex, Leon, Stew, Rod and Jane cheer.

John
So, you've got a minute to finish marg...
ooh.. you've gone the wrong way. Hurry now...

Jim
There's no rush.

John
Ten seconds... nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three,
two, one... Ooh. You failed to reach the end.
Okay, so let's see who the computer says won...

The electron beam displays the legend:
"'I Can't Believe it's Not Banned' wins"

Jim
What?!

Alex draws his knife.

John sniggers politely.

John
So that means that the margerine wins this magnificent BBC
 computer, and you mortals win a kick up the arse.

They receive their kicks from Princess Rae (Rikki Lake) who has agreed to present the awards.
The set clears of all bar our heroes.

Jim
So what are we going to do now?

Rod
You must help us complete our tasks or else
we will return Alex to his state of being lost.

Jim
Why?

Rod
Because that was the agreement.

Alex
But you didn't help find me in any way shape or form.

John
(coming over)
Is everything alright?

Leon
Go away.

John
Okay.

Jim
Wait...! Where's the margerine?

John
Here. It can't move of its own volition. It's a tub of fat.

Jim
Good point.

Leon
We could steal the computer.

Jim
No, that wouldn't be ethical. I've got a better idea...

Rod steals the computer.

Rod
Task five then.

Jane opens up her lap-top, and a blatently fake e-mail appears on screen

Jane
We've got to get into an office.

Leon
I'm already onto that one... what's task six.

Jane
Er, We've got to find Fred Harris.

Stew
Wow! Cool!

Rod
Who is this Fred Harris of which you talk?

Jim
I dunno...

Stew
Fred Harris? He's a god!

Rod
Really? I don't know him.

Leon
No, he used to present Me & My Micro.

Stew
He is the one man who can truly understand the BBC.

Rod
The television company?

Stew
No, the computer.

Rod
I see.

Stew
Leon doesn't.

Leon
Myopia is not something to be laughed at.

Jane
So where might this Fred Harris person be?

Jim
Is he related to Rolf Harris?

Alex
No.

Stew
I think we should just aimlessly wander.
That way we might just bump into him.

They aimlessly wander out of the set.

EXT - MOORLAND - EVENING

They walk through the set of Last Train because our filming schedules clash.
The set is actually just a moorland area of Scotland with a few bits of rubbish strewn everywhere, and some dodgy computer graphics.
There is a small piece of what appears to be human flesh on the floor.
There is no-one else around.
To the north there is a barn.
You can either go north, south, or west.

Jim
I think this is the infra red unit.

Alex
How can you be so sure?

Jim
I'm not sure. Hey, is that  Martina Navratilova?

He points into the distance.

Stew
Martina Navratilova? In this part of the Infra-red unit?

Leon
Where are you looking?

Jim
I'm not looking anywhere, well, I mean, I am,
but I can't see anybody who looks like Martina Navratilova.

Rod
Who is this Martina Navratilova of which you speak?

Leon
Then why did you say you could see Martina Navratilova?

Jim
I didn't say I could see Martina Navratilova.
I asked whether that was her?

Alex
What?

Jim
Nothing.

Stew
Eh?

Alex
I'm confused.

He draws a knife.

Stew
What a pretty picture.

Leon
There's no need for that!

Jim
Put that knife away.

Alex
Oh, alright.

He does.

Jim
You and your knives.

Leon
We have to get to Ark.

Stew
Fred Harris. We have to get to Fred Harris.

Leon
Sorry, yes...

Rod
Well where is he?

Jim and Leon
We don't know!

Stew
Nobody's seen him since the Archimedes came out.

Alex
The Archimedes was gay?

Stew
That's Greeks for you.

Jim
I thought they prefered donkeys.

Leon
We need to get to Jonathan. He'll have everything we need.

Stew
Is this setting getting to you.

Suddenly the heavens open and it starts raining.

Jim
Is this usual in television sets then?

Leon
It's acid rain.

Stew
It must be battery-powered.

Alex
What?

Leon
We'll have to move before the panthers get us.

Stew
Let's go this way.

He points in the direction of a St. Andrew's Cross.

Leon
No! We can't go that way! It's a plague warning!

Stew
Shut up.

EXT - GOLF COURSE - LATE AFTERNOON

There are some bunkers, and lots of trees.
There is a sign saying `Tee 1 this way'. It points North.
You can go North, South or East.

Leon
Is this another pun? It's very convolouted.

Stew
Sorry, I'm getting desperate. Anyway, you can
shut up! You haven't completed your task yet!

Leon
Ah! That's where you're wrong!

Alex
You mean you have?!

Leon
Yup. Did it when no-one was looking.

Jim
You can strike that one off the list now then, Jane...

Jane
Whatever.

Janet Street Porter (archive) picks her way across the fairway, moaning.

Alex
I can't see Fred Harris.

Stew
No. We'll have to move on.

Jim
Come on then.

They wander over the hill and find themselves in:

EXT - FIELD OF ELECTRONS - DAY

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
 Moooo

Electron 2
 Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
 Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
 Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
  Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

Electron 1
 Moooo

Electron 2
Beeeeeeeeeeeep

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> Good Witch Yoni  5F 64B2

The GOOD WITCH YONI (Gilli Smith) appears. She wears a white satin dress.

Yoni
hello. i'm the good witch yoni, and these are my electrons.

The Electrons nuzzle at her side.

Jim
Er, what?

Yoni
you seek fred harris, do you not?

Leon
How come you don`t use capitals?

Stew
Yes, we seek he of whom you speak.

Alex
What?

Yoni
he lies in the saphire city.

Jim
And where is that?

Yoni
simply follow the yellow-soldered p.c.b.

Stew
Oh, right... Thanks.

They follow a path of yellow solder marked onto the PCB that is their floor. In the background, Pink Floyd music plays backwards.
Mix to:

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

THE WICKED WITCH OF THE WEST (Violet Berlin) is scrying our heroes in the company of her servant, BAD INFLUENCE (Michael Elphick). Bad Influence is a metaphysical construct. He has short cropped hair and wears a red satin dress. The dress is exactly the same as that worn by Yoni only a different colour.

Berlin
(for that is the witch's name)
Tell me, who ith it theeth thtrangerth theek?

Bad I
They seek Fred Harris, ma'am.

Berlin
Fred Harrith, eh? We thall th(f)ee about that!

Bad I
What are you going to do, ma'am?

Berlin
I thall thmite them with thome opium.

Bad I
Do you think you should do that? It sounds a bit naughty.

Berlin
Of courth I thould do that. I'm the Wicked Witch of the Wetht.

Bad I
Yeth, ma'am.

Berlin
Thorry?!

Bad I
Yes, ma'am.

Meanwhile, back on the path of light entertainment...

EXT - YELLOW SOLDERED PCB - DAY

Jim
What about marsupials?

Rod
Marsupials don't count, I'm afraid.

Jim
What do you mean, they don't count?!

Stew
They're incapable of mathematical reasoning.

Leon
Shut up.

Stew
I'll have you know, punning is the noblest form of comedy.

Jim
Now, see, what you've done there is,
you've confused noblest with lowest.

Stew
No.

Leon
He's right.

Stew
No!

Alex
That's true, there is a lower form...

Jim
You mean...?

Alex
Yes. Taking the piss out of people's disabilities.

Leon
At least this programme would never stoop so low.

Stew
Yes, you see, I'm not going to do a pun on stooping for fear
of contravening my high standards regarding this issue.

Jim
Yes. Only a really bad programme would resort to ripping into
the likes of say Jonathan Ross or Cheryl Baker. Poking fun at
speech impediments is not comedy material. It is sad and
pathetic and we would never be a party to such trash.

Stew
Here here.

Alex
Mmrmhm mrhm mhrhm mhm.

Leon
Exactly.

They pass by a SCARECROW.
It doesn't say anything because it is an inanimate object.

Stew
What's a scarecrow doing on a printed circuit board?

Jim
Scaring crows.

Stew
Hmm. I mean, a tin man would make sense.

Leon
What about a cowardly lion?

Stew
Could be a type of resistor.

Jim
What!?

Stew
I don't know.

Stew accidently chops off Alex's arm with an axe at this point.

Alex
Ow!

Stew
Sorry.

Alex
I was using that arm.

Stew
I didn't know. You never said you were using it.
I assumed you'd finished with it.

Jim
What?!

Stew
I'm sorry.

Alex
Of course I was using it.

Stew
I didn't know.

Alex
You might've asked.

Stew picks up the arm and tries to push it back in place on Alex's shoulder.

Stew
It's a clean cut. You're not missing much blood.

Alex
I suppose that's alright then is it?!

Stew
There. Hold it, and it should stick back.

Alex
How long's that supposed to take.

Stew
The tissues will tie themselves in a matter of hours. Trust me.

Alex
You chopped my arm off! What were
you doing with that axe in the first place?!

Stew
It's my tin man impression.

Alex
Well it's crap.

Alex walks on, holding his arm in place, and dripping blood on the circuit board.

Jim
My god! The Sapphire City!

Jane
Good.

Stew
Hang on, man. Dig these funky poppies.

They dig some funky poppies in an adjacent field, and get high.

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Berlin
Ha ha ha ha ha! It'th working.

Bad I
 Do you really think you should be doing that, ma'am?

Berlin
Ha! Thilenth!

Bad I
 Very well, ma'am.

EXT - SAPHIRE CITY ENTRANCE - DAY

Our heroes stagger, led into the city behind a PSYCHEDELIC YAK.

Jim
Ik inh dang dong, yek at tekitokimen vernank yok pah.

Stew
Eh?

Jim
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. (=

Leon
 <|

Alex
C:

Stew
{;

Jim
>=

Leon
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Rod
Nip nip nip.

Jane
Ooh. Look at the pretty colours...!

Jim
There's something not quite right here.

Stew
Ah.

Leon
Yaks are nice.

Stew
I seem to be minutes away from total cash flow crisis.

Jim
What?

Stew
These yaks cost money y'know.

Rod
Ooooh-er.

Stew
770+180+50=1000

Jim
Sorry?

Alex
Ooh.

Stew
I feel ill.

Alex
I've not had any money for ages...

Stew
I think I'm gonna throw up.

Leon
You prick.

Stew throws up.
The action is quite messy.

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Berlin
Damn! The opiate hath releathed thubconthiouth finanthal
 reathoning cauthing that thilly looking one to thnap out of  it.

Bad I
 Yes, ma'am. Ma'am?

Berlin
Yeth?

Bad I
 Shall I instigate the back-up plan?

Berlin
Yeth.

INT - SAPHIRE CITY ENTRANCE - DAY

Stew throws up some more.

Stew
I'm depressed...  ...My god! We're in the Saphire City!

Jim
Urgh?! What?!

Stew
Snap out of it, guys! We're here. I can smell Fred...

INT - SAPHIRE CITY CORRIDOR / GREAT FLAMING CHAMBER - CONT.

They run down a blue corridor and into a great flaming chamber. On a throne at its centre sits FRED HARRIS (himself) in a blue satin dress.

Stew
Fred!

Fred
I am he.

Jim
Fred, these two Norse gods need your help. Can you help them?

Fred
Yes. Yes, I can.

Stew
Great...

Mix through to crystal ball and Berlin:

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Berlin
Ha ha ha ha!

Bad I
 Very amusing, ma'am.

Pull out to reveal that Bad I stands beside a cage, in which a blue satin clad Fred Harris struggles.

Fred
You'll never get away with this! Mark my words!

Berlin
Ho! I thall! I thall!! Ha ha hah ah hhah hah ha ha ha hah!

Meanwhile, back with our heroes...

INT - FLAMING CHAMBER - DAY

Stew
So Fred, this is what you've been
up to since the demise of Acorn.

Fred
It is. Here, I can surround myself with the latest Archimedes
machines and indulge myself in exciting RiscOS software.

Jim
It must be very pleasurable for you.

Fred
Oh. It is. It is.

Stew
Show us a computer then.

Fred
Very well, but first... what is it that you have saught me for?

Rod
What is the next challenge?

Jane
We must build a super-computer using this BBC.

Fred
 I see. Very well. I shall help you.

Alex
Oh, that's very good of you.

Melt to Berlin and her crystal ball.

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Berlin
Ha ha ha ha ha! Thoon they will be mine to control!

Bad I
Very good, ma'am.

Caption:
Meanwhile, at a far off corner of the galaxy...

EXT - GENERIC DRIFFIELD STREET - DAY

J3PO (Angus Deayton), the golden droid we left playing 15-1 waddles down the street carrying a piece of old pottery.
He whistles as he walks. This is not a medical condition. It is voluntary whistling.
LES DENNIS (archive) walks past, an inane grin on his face.
J3PO continues to walk. He examines his old pot. It is a little dusty. He wipes it. The pot vibrates. The droid drops it and it smashes at his feet.

J3PO
Shit.

There before him, from the broken pottery, rises The Evil SIDDOR, and his band of cronies: ANT, JIM2, ALAN and ESTEBAN.

J3PO
Fucking hell.

Mix back to:

INT - FLAMING CHAMBER - DAY

Rod
So you can definitely help us?

Fred
Oh yes.

He goes out of shot.
Jim sits down. He looks ill.

Stew
What is it?

Jim
I sense a deep disturbance...

Stew
What, like a million screaming voices
being suddenly silenced or  something?

Jim
Not really, no. More like a kind of cold, clammy shiver.

Stew
Oh... that's a bit dull isn't it?

Jim
Do you want a kick in the teeth?

Stew
Er. No thankyou.

Jim
Well shut up then.

Stew
Okay... Wait a minute!

Jim
What!

Stew
<whispers>
Look...

Jim
<whispers>
What?

Stew
Can't you see?

Jim
I can't see anything.

Stew
Exactly!

Jim
Hmm

Fred returns to the frame

Fred
I have built you a super computer.

Stew
Cool. Can you play blockbusters on it?

Fred
No.

Stew
You're supposed to say something about Bob Holness now, Jim.

Jim
Bob Holness?

Stew
That's it, yeah.

Leon grudgingly hands stew a fiver.

Leon
Bastard.

Stew
Heh heh.

Alex
Where's this super computer then?

Fred
This way.

Cut to:
INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Berlin
Ha ha ha hah ha hah hah ha hah hah hah hah hah hah haha!

Mix to:

INT - PLAZA BALLROOM, CHEPSTOW

A crowd of ALIENS groove on down to the funky beat of an eighties night.

Mix back to:

EXT - THE WALLS OF THE SAPHIRE CITY - DAY

Our heroes are stood on a grassy bank that sweeps down from the walls.
We don't see where it sweeps to as our cameras are in the way...

Alex
What was all that about?

Stew
Search me.

Rod
Wow!

We see the computer.
It is six foot tall, and eight foot wide, with a monitor fixed into a tower at the right hand side.
It is a long way away and our heroes are viewing it through a large magnifying glass.

Stew
Wow!

Jane
!

Fred
Okay, you'll need to put these on.

He hands our heroes a pair of goggles each.
They put them on.

Fred
Hop in.

They each get into little cars that have appeared before them.

Fred
Right then! Follow me!

Berlin
(vo) Ha ha ha hah ha ha ha hah hah ah hah ah ha hah ah ah!

Stew
Did you hear something?

Alex
Huh?

Melt to:

INT - DISUSED BUILDING - DAY

J3PO sits in a pot, being melted by Esteban and Jim2.

Est.
Tell us where they are!

J3PO
Where who are? What the fuck are you talking about?

Jim2
Answer the question.

J3PO
What question? The one I asked? What are you on about?

Est.
Don't give us any cheek!

J3PO
Look, do you think you could turn this down
a bit. It's getting rather warm in here.

Jim2
Silence, scum. Now tell us where they are.

J3PO
Who?!

Jim2 picks up a pike (which is a type of fish) and thrusts it through J3PO's head.
J3PO fizzles and sparks.

J3PO
Ow!

Est.
If you don't tell us where they are we'll kill you.

J3PO
Alright then, kill me. Boring existence anyway.

Jim2
How do you kill a robot?

Est.
Dunno...

J3PO
You blow up this PCB here.

Jim2
He's bluffing.

Est.
Yes.

J3PO
No. Really.

Jim2
We don't believe you.

J3PO
Guh.

In the other plot-line, Alex is driving badly.

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY

Jim
You're crap at that.

Alex
I am not!

Fred
We're here. Chocabloc, choca-mate, checking in.

He swipes a card across the door. It doesn't work.

Fred
Chocablock, chocka-mate, checking in.

He swipes and the gateway before the super computer opens.

Jane
Chocabloc...!

Fred inserts a videocassete. The 20th Century Fox logo appears.

Mix to

INT - PLAZA BALLROOM, CHEPSTOW

Where the aliens are brakedancing.

Mix to:

INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY

Bad I
A visitor, ma'am.

Berlin
Pardon?

Siddor looms behind Bad Influence. He is breathing heavily through his gas-mask.

Berlin
Tho THiddor, we meet again.

Siddor
And what an absoloute pleasure it is too.
Tell me, what exactly is it that you are doing?

Berlin
Pardon?

Bad I
 He was sent by the script writers, ma'am. He's here so
that you have a plausible reason to explain the plot.

Berlin
 I thee. Well, thinth you athk...

Siddor
 Talk normally, for the script teams' sake.

Berlin
What?!

Siddor
You heard. Do you realise how dull your lithp is?

Berlin
Very well. I thall employ my digital lithp irradicator.

Berlin begins to talk in a strange vocoder voice.

Berlin
Those cretinous fools have been led, by a fake Fred Harris to an
evil super-computer which will reduce them all to jibbering wrecks.

Siddor
Ah! Very cunning.

Berlin
Yes. I think so. Shall we see how they're getting on?

Siddor
Yes. That seems a good idea at this juncture.

They peer into her crystal ball and we mix to our heroes watching the computer screen:

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY

Rod
The fat cat sat on the mat.

Jim
The dog sits on a log in the bog, with a frog.

Stew
The bees are making cheese...

The camera zooms in on the chanting Stew's eyes. Wibbly stuff...

to Episode Three Part Two