INT - STEW'S ROOM, YORK UNIVERSITY - DAY
Stew (Ewan McGregor), a long haired philosopher, wakes up in a cold
He shakes and gets dressed, then walks out the door of his room, passing the sleeping form of his room-mate, BabySham (Guy Pearce), who is hidden under the covers.
Outside the room is:
INT - MR CHOPS: THE CORRIDOR - DAY
Stew walks down it, and then out into the real world:
EXT - GOODRICKE SQUARE - DAY
On entering the real world, he leaves it again quickly for the safe refuge of:
INT - COMPUTER TERMINAL ROOM - DAY
He sits at a computer and types:
The bees are making cheese.
There's no money in honey.
They've cornered the market for christmas.
INT - ALEX'S ROOM, YORK UNI
Alex (Vincent Perez) waking up, screaming.
He is in a coffin, surrounded by candles. A pentangle is drawn onto the floor.
He gets out of his coffin, and slips on a banana skin.
INT - SPACE-SHIP FORUM AREA (LIKE MILLENIUM FALCON LIVING ROOM)
Leon (Jean Reno), waking in terror.
He is in a spaceship.
Another character, looking not entirtely dissimilar to Leon, speaks.
We shall call him Leon 2.
What you have observed is most intriguing.
Yes. I thought so.
But the information you were sent to
find would appear to be unavailable?
Indeed, commander. I conclude that the humans have
never once been involved in Intergalactic freud-hopping.
Is this conclusion backed by the sufficient evidence?
It is. However, might I be so bold
as to raise the following issue?
I think only you can answer that one.
There is a non-human amongst them.
Yes. A droid.
What of him?
I believe he is part of a clandestine organisation.
I found these on him.
He holds up a pair of glasses.
Not just ordinary glasses.
No. They're fluted.
Exactly. Sir, if I may say so, I believe
that the droid, BabySham is involved in
a Lead-crystal decanter smuggling ring.
I'm sure you may.
Very well sir.
However, there is the problem of...
There is another.
Sorry... I was...
What are we talking about?
Do you have any more details on
the erm... rather embarrassing...
The Fred Harris situation?
It appears that those involved may
well be damaged beyond redemtion.
It is a shame.
And the ware-abouts of this BabySham?
Erm, unclear at the present moment.
I want you to find him, and then I want you to
put a stop to this smuggling thing he's on with.
Very well, commander.
Leon turns and walks away.
Oh, and, erm...
Get us a packet of crisps while you're there.
Whizz across the universe to our gallant heroes, who are sat entranced before the evil-supercomputer Chocabloc.
EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY
They chant nursery rhymes.
Mix up through crystal ball.
INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY
The ball is covered in blood, flesh and bits of brain. Pull out to
that Berlin is slumped in her chair, with large portions of her head
Bad Influence is backing away towards Fred Harris's cage, looking up the barrel of a light-gun held by Siddor.
As Bad Influence gibbers, Fred is able to grab the keys from a bumbag around Bad Influence's waist.
Hah ah ah hahha hhah ah ah!
Bad Influence recieves a bullet of pure light energy to the chest.
collapses and dies.
The blood is of a slightly darker shade than his outfit. Cue something quite arty with the blood and stuff.
With a lightening movement, Fred opens his cage, leaps across the room, and karate-kicks the light-gun from Siddor's hand.
But Siddor is a grand master of the ancient art of Tang Hall Do and the two fight.
The fight scene is a near replica of the computer game fight with Princess Rae. The only difference is that both men are juggling a ming vase and one of those glass ships respectively, and endeavouring to protect them from any breakage.
At one point in the action, Siddor snaps one of the little sailors off the mast. They both stop.
I believe that means that I win.
No it doesn't.
Are you sure?
I think it does.
We could toss for it.
We could toss a coin.
Oh. Right. Yeah.
Siddor puts his hand into his pocket, and with a great deal of
he pulls out again and knocks Fred Harris flying. Fred flies into the
In the corner, on a stool, outside the ropes, JOHNNY BALL (himself) stretches his arm out. Fred tags him, and Johnny enters the fight. He limbers up.
INT - DISUSED BUILDING - DAY
J3PO is now a molten goo. Jim2 sticks his pike in and prods around.
Do you mind?
No, he babysits...
That is a crime punishable by death on most civilised worlds.
This is Leeds.
The shock of this comment takes a while to manifest itself on the
of the molten gloop.
There is a distant scream.
This is followed by a flock of extras running around before the camera, dressed as crew-members, and exuding a general air of panic and desperation.
Throw a few geese, ducks and chickens in for good measure.
Then add one or two fish.
Season with parsley and stir gently over a warm hob for ten minutes or till golden brown.
Bringing me here is against the Jupiter convention.
Ha ha ha! Nurgh!
Jim2 scoops up J3PO's eyes with a woden spoon and carries them to a
window. The window is very high and looks over the city.
J3PO releases a blood-curdling scream which can still be heard over the next scene:
EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY
See the dog.
See it run.
See the ball.
Pan and cut to:
INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY
Johnny Ball struggling with Siddor. They continue to struggle in
manner for a long time. The fight is to be chorreographed by Jackie
Throughout, the corpse of Bad Influence lies in shot, and is a
obstacle for the two adversaries.
In the back-ground, Fred Harris can be seen crawling to the door. As
the fight gets really brutal, he makes his escape. The door zjungs
Johnny turns and gives an open-ended expression in Fred's direction.
Fred gives a seemingly equally uninterpretable glance back. Then he
Johnny is struck by a blow from Siddor, and mysteriously, his
fall to the floor in a crumpled heap of cotton and nylon.
Johnny stands. Embarressed and naked. He leaps up into the air, and
out of the top of the frame.
We see his feet flaying. He is clearly clinging to something up in the roofing.
Siddor recieves several kicks to the mask, and shudders from side to
Cut to Johnny spinning around a metal cross beam in the roofing,
at bits of roofing felt with one hand whilst clinging to the bar with
In a whirl, he sews together a black robe, and re-clothes himself. Still spinning, he leaps off and falls into Siddor, sending the gas-masked one flying into the wall.
INT - SPACE-SHIP
Leon paces up and down on a gantry. He addresses a SELECTION OF
One of them is wearing a suit of armour with an over-sized lipstick stuck to the back.
I don't care how you go about it, but I want BabySham alive.
No bounty will be payed unless he arrives to me in full health.
The suit of armour man
You can rest assured, no harm will come to him.
I will not rest until he is in my grasp.
the suit of armour man lifts his viser revealing his true identity as STAN (Fred Ward), the gumshoe.
Now go and find him. I want him alive.
Yeah, you said.
Cut back to:
EXT - CHOCOBLOC - DAY
Stew, Jim, Rod, Jane & Alex
Dies Sine Lumine, Dies Sine Lumine...
The Evil Fred Harris chuckles nastily.
Suddenly, the monitor flickers and dies.
Stew, Jim, Rod, Jane & Alex momentarily snap out of their trance.
The Evil Fred Harris moves the mouse and the monitor comes back to life.
Once again our heroes are entranced.
INT - EVIL CASTLE - DAY
Siddor struggles, trapped between the radiator and Johnny Ball. He
about, scratching at Johnny's face.
Johnny whinces and falls back.
Now Siddor is in the dominant position. He rises to his full height and looms towards the ageing maths god.
Johnny backs away, tripping over Bad Influences corpse, and knocking himself unconscious on the floor.
Dramatic music rises to a crescendo. Siddor looms above the camera.
Cross fade to:
INT - TERMINAL ROOM - DAY
Stew ratters into the keyboard:
Fade to Black, closing titles.
At this point, Stew looks up from his UNIX terminal monitor and
cracks his knuckles.
The room is empty but for five others:
Three are extras.
One is KAREN,
and another is ALAN.
Alan walks over, grinning.
Yeah, you know what that's all about don't you.
I got wet just for that.
So it's just half an hour of some guy talking on a tape?
Well twenty minutes. You're on about the lecture?
Thank god for that. For a minute there
I thought I'd gone stark-raving mad.
A message flashes on the e-mail. It is from Leon.
I knew there'd be a bloody CD sale in Vanbrugh. I don't know whether I dreamt it. Shit as usual I suppose.
Stew presses D, then flushes his Inbox.
He logs out and leaves the terminal room.
EXT - WALMGATE STRAY - MORNING
He walks across a long dark impossible field.
At the end he finds a wall.
There is a door in the wall.
He opens the door.
It leads to:
INT - LARGE PRACTICE ROOM - CONT.
Inside the room, GUS (Bill Bailey), a hirsuit percussionist, assembles some sort of mechanical device from wing-nuts and other assorted parts.
On entering the room, a thunderous noise is suddenly apparent. The
comes from GORDON (Russell Senior), a gaunt man with artificially
Gordon is playing the electric sitar. He renders solos from Radiohead that are capable of tearing apart the very matter of the brain. In a nice way.
Stew walks to the far corner, moves a curtain and reveals a
bass and amp. He plays Another Brick in the Wall pt2 as usual.
Meanwhile, Gordon is messing with various knobs and switches, trying
to get something to work.
By this point, Gus has manufactured something almost remotely like a scaffold. He continues his building.
Enter CAROLINE (Heather Nova), an attractive woman in slightly
bohemian attire. She
carries a KORG under her arm. A Korg is a type of dangerous animal.
She struggles with it. It gnashes its teeth. She taps it on the nose. It obeys.
She puts it on the floor and it scurries into a small room at the back where there is a fridge. The fridge doesn't work.
People reply accordingly.
She sits at a large piano that has appeared to the left of Gus's construction. The construction is slowly taking on the form of the Blackpool tower.
There is a short period of noise-making, after-which CRAIG (Tom Cruise), ROD and BERLIN enter. All three characters are dressed in their usual attire, but Berlin no longer has an outrageous lisp.
The construction atop which sits Gus can now clearly be identified
as a drum-kit. But the cymbals are made of papier masche and the drums
out of tins and pans.
Everybody looks at everyone else, expectantly.
Um, er... right, are, um, shall er...
are we gonna play something?
Yeah, er... what shall we play?
What shall we play? Any ideas?
Rod is wandering aimlessly round the room trying hard to look as if
he's doing something. Berlin is scrawling his actions onto a
Gordon starts ad libbing. Caroline and Gus tilt their heads.
We could do one of Berlins?
Berlin stops. Freezes. Looks around. She has the expression of a
midway between hearing a gun and getting a bullet in the hind quarter.
She turns her head.
She gets a guitar.
Rod hides behind the blackboard, hoping no-one will notice him.
Do I know this one?
Stew throws him a paper aeroplane which he unfolds. On it are some cryptic letters.
Use the cipher.
Gordon takes from his pocket an excitingly holey piece of card,
when placed over the sheet of paper reveals the actual structure of a
He kicks his pre-amp a few times and his instrument makes interesting noises.
Which one are we playing?
Craig steps out for a short while. The rest of the band look at each
other, then suddenly they kick into a piece of scary music.
Berlin sings into a microphone but no vocals are heard.
Pan around the room a bit, then crane up, for the room is tall.
On a gantry some distance above them, Johnny Ball battles it out
the evil Siddor, for this room is within the Evil Castle.
The dramatic music continues over the action in a suitable manner.
Johnny falls and stumbles backwards, tripped by the corpse of Bad
Siddor looms up over him. He raises a gauntleted hand and using un-natural forces, he reaches to his utility belt and draws from it a bicycle pump.
The bicycle pump extends in the appropriately dramatic manner, and as he wields it, sparky, whizzy noises are exuded.
POV of Siddor as Johnny Ball looks on in terror.
POV of Johnny as the bike-pump zjungs in a figure of eight at the hands of the evil Siddor.
Much use of light and shadow as Siddor raises the pump high above his head, ready to bring it crashing down through the old maths-diva's skull.
Tense music rises to a head, when all of a sudden, a strange man
from the door behind them.
He is called FRIDGE (Tim Roth) because that's where he keeps his sandwiches.
Hold up. What's going on in here?
The adversaries turn and look at him gone out.
You can't have a fight here. What
do you think you're playing at.
He grabs the bike pump.
I'll have that, I think.
He walks to the railing and peers down to the musicians.
Craig enters, looks up, sees Fridge and leaves again.
Hey! Are you using that piano!? That's not your
bloody bandsoc's piano! It's miiiiiiiiiiiine! So get off!
Oi!! You haven't turned off my bloody fridge 'ave
you?!!! Nooooo!!! My poor sandwiches!!
He runs off and down the stairs. Pythonesque shot from above,
the wonders of repetition.
He finally reaches the bottom where we see him run across between the band, and into the back room with the fridge.
In the back room, he kneels before the fridge, holding his sandwiches to his chest and sobbing.
Pull well out and exploit movingly emotive music to full potential.
Perhaps have a distant 360 round the blubbering wreck of a man.
The band look on and shrug it off. They
As they play, Johnny Ball plummets into shot from somewhere high up above, landing in a pile of pre-amps.
He bounces up KungFu style, and runs out of the door.
Shot of Siddor turning his head.
Long shot of Siddor running down gantry, then leaping over railing and down to where the band are playing.
They have opted now for chase-scene funk; a genre in itself.
INT - WENTWORTH COLLEGE CORRIDOR - CONT.
Johnny runs up a sloping corridor. As he rounds the corner, passing
Craig, Siddor can be seen entering the corridor back in the distance.
EXT - WENTWORTH CAR PARK etc - EARLY MORNING
Johnny is outside now, and he skids down a grass verge and into a
Siddor can be seen exiting the building.
Johnny runs across the tarmac but is forced to a halt by a passing car. Obligatory chase-scene handling of bonnet by Johnny. He rounds the car and runs on.
Siddor, for no discernable reason, chooses to bounce across the cars
from roof to roof.
Johnny looks back. He nearly trips over the kerb, and he's back on
There is a tearing noise. Shot of Siddor struggling free of a soft-topped car.
Johnny charges through some bushes and inadvertantly falls into a big ditch.
He pulls himself out and flops pathetically over a barbed wire fence.
EXT - WALMGATE STRAY / ALLOTMENTS - CONT.
Rolling in cow shit, he picks himself up and picks his way across
A cloud passes over the sun and it is suddenly night-time, complete with eerie moon. There are no stars. Except Johnny Ball. And one or two celebrity cows.
Siddor leaps the bushes, the ditch, and the fence with super-human
But slips on a cowpat as he lands.
The chase continues over the dangerous terrain of the stray.
Rabbit holes and other chasms cut their way across the ground and all are obscured by a dense mist that goes up as far as your thigh.
Exciting tracking shots and eerier music to make the most of this
Johnny Ball reaches a stile and Chans over it gracefully before
the alotment run.
Siddor is in hot persuit.
Bits of vegetable fly in all directions as Siddor makes use of an
laser cannon which he is now close enough to his target to use.
He is, like all baddies, an attrocious shot.
Johnny sees that Siddor is almost onto him and so locks himself in a nearby shed.
INT - SHED - NIGHT
He breathes heavily.
The sound of his breathing is drowned out by the noise of Siddor's respirator, as the gasmasked one peers through the shed window.
Johnny looks around for something he might be able to use. He sees
a huge silver lever with a large red knob on the end. He pulls it.
Through the window he sees Siddor fall out of view. Johnny edges towards it and peers outside.
All the ground has gone.
Johnny opens the shed door and peers down.
EXT - SHED - NIGHT
Distant shot of the night sky. At the centre of the shot is a rather
unstable looking pillar of earth several miles high, atop which is the
In the door is a somewhat confused looking Johnny Ball.
INT - SHED - NIGHT
He shuts the door and pulls the lever back up.
Siddor's face reappears in the window.
Johnny wiggles the lever up and down.
Siddor rises and falls in unison.
Johnny leaves the lever in the down position such that the window is sans Siddor.
He sits down in the centre of the shed and ponders.
EXT - SHED - NIGHT
Shot from outside again. Shed on the pillar. Eventually, the door
Johnny tentatively backs out, and gently rolls down past the pillar, on a revolving hosepipe wheel.
DEEP HOLE - CONT.
Johnny abseils and the camera follows him. The parallel lines of the
hose and the column of earth get quite entrancing.
Suddenly, the hose runs out, and it flies off the end of the metal canister.
Johnny Ball gains velocity and the column of earth blurs.
We stay with this for a short while.
Fade to black.
Fade up on Johnny still falling.
Fade to black again after a while.
Fade back up on it.
Shot up the column where a distant moon illuminates the distant shed.
Shot down showing the column tapering away into the black mass of nothingness.
Shot of Johnny's panic stricken expression.
Long shot of him falling.
CU of Johnny, thinking.
He gropes in the direction of the column. A large section of it winds slowly in the direction of his fingers.
There is blood and scraping, but slowly Johnny is slowed down by this brutal friction, his fingers digging deep into the dirt.
He brings his legs in too so as to stop himself being thrown out through momentum.
Gradually he comes grinding to a halt.
Long shot of a very small Johnny clinging foetally to the immensely
Johnny's POV as he surveys the column.
On the column is a small window such as might be
built by a character from Wind in the Willows, if they happened to live
in an infinite column of earth.
In the window, at the other side of the pane is a vase with two wilting flowers in.
Johnny smashes the window with his head and tries to clamber through.
But the window is very small, and, clinging as best he can with the holes he has dug into the earth, he digs out a Johnny Ball size apperture around the window.
INT - TROLL BATHROOM - CONT.
Reverse angle as Johnny squeezes through into a tiny little
There is distant humming.
Johnny stoops in the small room and edges towards a tiny little door.
He opens the door, and walks out into:
INT - SMALL HALLWAY
At the far end is another tiny little room:
INT - TROLL KITCHEN
In it potters a tiny little troll (voice of Ben Kinglsey). The troll is humming happily to himself.
Dumbedum da da da tra la la lala.
As he turns around, he catches a glimpse of Johnny, double takes and
drops a piece of crockery which fractures on the floor.
The little troll steps back. He still hums. But is clearly scared.
Johnny raises a hand.
Dub bap-abap mmummanum....
It's alright... I won't hurt you.
Doopbapadapapa... He still looking
at me... fa da doot da dee...
Is there any way out?
Troll screws his eyes up and opens them again. He is dissapointed.
I fell down this hole... Is there any solid land?
Johnny jumps back, somewhat startled and bangs his head on the
with such force as to render him unconscious.
Fade to black.
Fade back up.
INT - TROLL BEDROOM - DAY
Johnny's POV: laid on a bed facing up at a mud built ceiling. A tiny
troll pokes his head over the camera and jabs at it.
Side angle of the troll jabbing Johnny's nose. Johnny gently pats the troll's arm away.
Hmm... I see.
Troll tilts his head, quizically, like a dog might.
Johnny rubs his tummy and makes a satisfied gasp of air.
Johnny offers the troll a highland toffee bar from his pocket.
Troll snaps it off him and puts it in his mouth. He chews satisfyingly.
Troll sticks out five fingers.
Johnny fishes out five more bars. The troll stuffs his mouth with
The troll then tries to speak but the Highland toffee prevents this action.
He mimes aswell.
Is there an outside?
The troll mimmicks him and nods eagerly.
Show me. Show - me?
The troll leaps up, swallowing hard. The ball of toffee visably passes down his neck.
He simultaneously makes a follow motion and then scurries off down a passage.
INT - TROLL PASSAGEWAY AND BEYOND
Johnny crawls after him.
The troll opens a door. Outside is darkness.
Johnny peers out.
Shot of column of earth etc...
Troll looks at Johnny, then flicks a lightswitch.
The longshot is slowly illuminated, in the manner of strip-lighting.
Surrounding the column is a deep yet small gap, about four foot wide, and beyond that is a beautiful forrest, firmly anchored into ground.
Johnny thanks the troll, and leaps across to the other side of the chasm.
He turns and waves. The troll turns and shuts the door.
OMRA (Matthew Perry) materialises in his ghostly form.
You are too hard on them, Yoga.
(for that is the troll's name)
Nah. That one stupid. Will not learn.
He will not succomb to the bleak side.
Succumb he might. The bleak side is strong in that one.
There is another.
You mean Jim?
He is a clumsy oaf.
He is our last hope.
You can pah all you want. But the fact remains that
there's only Jim and Johnny left. And Siddor of course.
Melt evocatively to
EXT - FOREST / VALLEY - MORNING
Johnny cutting his way through the forest. It is a lovely sunny day,
but the grass is moist with dew and the birds are so loud as to drown
the incidental music.
The trees are scarily arranged in rows, like modern pine plantations. Deer scurry around in the shadows.
Johnny is quite tired now. He is struggling to keep moving. But move
Suddenly there is a clattering in the trees. He looks behind him. A
strange kite contraption is gliding through the canopy, and sat upon it
is the evil Siddor.
Johnny staggers onwards.
The glider crashes through and Siddor jumps off, landing on a deer and manouvering it into persuit.
Johnny jumps a ravine. The deer halts at it and starts drinking.
Siddor kicks his heels but the deer doesn not budge. Johnny is disappearing into the distant valley beyond.
Siddor throws a hat to the ground, leaps off the deer and stamps a bit.
Then he runs at the ravine, leaps and falls over at the other side. Picks himself up and runs on...
Meanwhile, Johnny drags himself up the limestone valley.
He turns. The tiny form of Siddor is visable in the distance.
Johnny drags himself to the top.
EXT - GREEN FIELD - CONT.
There, across a long green field he can see Chocabloc.
Completely knackered, he crawls painfully through the field. Siddor is halfway up the valley.
EXT - CHOCOBLOC - CONT.
...looking across field, showing Johnny collapsing some way away,
the gauntleted hand of Siddor looming from the valley horizon.
The evil Fred Harris looks on, smiling, evily.
Stew, Rod, Alex, Jim, Leon and Jane are sat before him, chanting "Um
tiddle tiddle um tiddle tiddle um tiddle tiddle bong"
Long shot of field as, in the distance, and soundless, Siddor looms
over the catatonic form of Johnny.
Shot of Evil Fred laughing.
Long shot POV thing from evil Fred, as Siddor beats Johnny with a
stick or something. Hard to make out... very far away.
Evil Fred is in hysterics when a chain moves
in around his kneck and he is garrotted.
Evil Fred's deceased form slumps down and out of shot. Behind where he stood stands Good Fred Harris.
Good Fred leaps across to the computer and types something into the
This is what he types:
The monitor fizzles and the previous image is replaced by a picture of Mr Chips from the TV quiz show Catchphrase.
What's Mr Chips doing now? Remember, just say what you see.
Fly me to the moon?
It's good but it's not right.
Fish and Chips?
How can it be? What's the fish?
Don't talk to me about fish...
What is it?
My wife gave birth yesterday... to.. a...
To a fish?
Very David Lynch.
You shouldn't feel down.
He's right you know.
We'll show you.
The computer opens up to reveal Gatherer's Moon, an intriguing musical collective.
On drums, Gus Mason!
Gus performs a solo.
On cars, his dad, Nick!
The pink floyd drummer revs the engine.
On keyboards, Caroline Burnholm!
Caroline gives us a charming flourish.
On vocals, the Wicked Witch of the
West and the Good Witch Yoni!
Berlin and Yoni take the mics.
On bass, Stew Jester!
Stew plays down the A chord.
On Guitars, Gordon Frizzard and Rod, Lord of Maygar!
They wield their instruments with glee.
And on multifarious excess percussion, Jim, Leon, Alex and Jane!
Bongos et al, then Gus fills spectacularly.
Roy W. watches on as Berlin begins to sing:
Hang on! The party's on,
The milkman's on his way!
Get up, get ready to rock,
The gasman's made of hay.
Hey you, you make the things I really do
Feel just like goo-a-oo-oo.
Hold up! Getty ready get up,
The taxman's gonna say...
See my baby dive
See my baby dive
She's got scales and fins
And she really swims
Oh-oh oh-oh a-oh-oh-oh.
See my baby dive
Mango, pear and chive...
Such a crazy dive
And everyone you meet walking down the street
Come to see my baby dive.
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah
Rod & Gordon:
dangangar dangangar dangangar dangangar dang... dat dar!
Gus hammers pationately on the skins.
Thanks, guys. I feel much better!
Don't mention it...
It was nothing.
Roy W. walks off, humming that song and generally feeling very happy.
Fred Harris, what's going on?
It's a long story, and the details are unimportant.
Let's just say, It's time you went home...
But how can we be sure it'll work? I mean,
last time we wound up trapped in static!
He walks to the back of Chocabloc and shows them a door.
This door leads...
But as he speaks, he is stabbed through the throat by the evil
Fred crumples to the floor in a dead and bloody heap.
Siddor looks up at our heroes and smiles from behind his mask.