A New Soap

EPISODE FOUR:
PART ONE:

Narrator (Anna Ford):
The story so far...
Our four heroes, Stew, Leon, Alex and Jim, find themselves sucked
into the wonderful world of television. Realising that their only way to escape
is to envisage a mystical televisual portal back to reality, they do so, but
as they make their escape, Jim is killed, and Alex is lost in static.
Jim quickly regenerates in a manner not unakin to that of Dr. Who, and
he, Leon and Alex venture out into the static wastelands in search of their
colleague. In no time at all they come across the Nordic gods Rod and Jane
who agree to help our heroes find Alex on the condition that in return our
heroes help the two gods who must complete twelve tasks. Reunited with
Alex, they are held to their contract, and begin the arduous tasks: first they
find a BBC computer, and then the one man who can operate it: Fred Harris.
But the Fred Harris they locate is an evil replica of the real eighties celebrity
genius, set in place by an evil witch called Berlin. In no time at all though,
Berlin is killed by the evil Siddor who is risen again, but not before our heroes
have been entranced by the evil Fred Harris's brain-washing super computer.
Fortunately, the good Fred Harris is able to escape thanks to the intervention
of Johnny Ball, and is just about to lead our heroes to freedom when Siddor
shows up and kills him.
 

Somewhere in TV land the saga continues...

EXT - CHOCOBLOC - MORNING

Siddor stares a killing stare.

Jim
So, we finally meet, Siddor.

He steps forward and draws his bike-pump.

Siddor
Your weapon is of no use to you now.

Jim tries to ignite his pump. But it fails to extend, and then wilts.

Siddor
You left it switched on, didn't you...

Jim
Nooooooooo!

Siddor produces a very large automatic weapon from somewhere deep within his robes.
He is about to fire when, all of a sudden, the presumed dead Good Fred Harris, reaches up, and in a last burst of energy, twists Siddor's cod-piece.
Siddor squeals and doubles up.
Fred, in his last gasps says:

Fred
Chocabloc, chocamate, checking out...

He then is well and truly dead.
Honest.

All assembled: Rod, Jane, Berlin, Leon, Jim, Stew, Gordon, Gus,Yoni, Alex, and Caroline, attack the foetal Siddor with whatever they can lay their hands to.
But Siddor rises up, stretches out his arms, stands on left tip-toe, right tip-toe then floats into the air. Lots of lightening strikes at him. He screams powerfully.
Then he stands back on solid ground and growls at people. Our heroes step bac
k.
Behind him, Fred's door opens, and BabySham casually steps out. He shoots Siddor in the back. Siddor crumples to the floor.

BabySham grins. Then he cocks his arm mounted laser cannon and aims it at the ensembled throng.

BabyS
It was my birthday last week. Do you know how many
presents I got? None. I wasn't even in the bloody episode.

He points the gun at Stew.

BabyS
 Why wasn't I in last week's episode?

Stew
Ah, well, erm... I can explain.

BabyS
Go on then.

Stew
It was so you could spend all of last episode out in the Caribbean
making a birthday special that will only be available on video.

BabyS
I see.

Stew
So did you make it?

BabyS
Hmm?

Stew
The special?

BabyS
Oh. Oh yes.

Stew
And is it out on video?

BabyS
It was out for three days.

Stew
Did it sell?

BabyS
Sort of.

Stew
Good.

BabyS
 Then you took it off the market.

Stew
I deleted it, yes.

BabyS
Why?

Stew
Limited editions always sell better.

BabyS
Do they...?

Stew
Hmm.

Jim
Of course, it goes without saying that the Caribbean
special will be broadcast in the usual manner.

Stew
Well, yes. In fact, this is it.

BabyS
What?!

Stew
Yeah, you see... being as we are, stuck inside television, we
are existing outside the usual constraints of time. As soon as we
step through Fred Harris's magical door, we will probably find
ourselves living in the reality of last wednesday.

Caroline
Does that mean we get to do the Red Lion quiz again?!

Stew
Yes.

Caroline makes an excited noise.
They all make their way through the door. Exciting wibbly effects ensue.

CUE NEW OPENING TITLE SEQUENCE:

Usual dum-durdur-dadada ominous music... Starscape. Bar of carbolic hoves into view over top of screen. Lasers blast "A NEW SOAP" into the block.
It then cracks open. The credit sequence utilises highlights from the last 3 episodes plus new stuff and is backed with a funky new score. The clips are:
Stew peering through the window with a crucifiction pose.
Jim training with Omra.
Leon fighting with BabySham.
Rod walking through the desert.
Stew and the band.
Alex grinning maniacally, in the rain.
Jim leaping from a varander and igniting a double ended bicycle pump as he touches down.
Caroline, in an eye patch, sliding down a sail with a cutlass.
Caroline with a knife between her teeth, holding a smoking pistol.
BabySham running down a corridor, carrying J3PO, and firing a laser-pistol.
Gus and Gordon digging on a beach.
Alex and Death arguing over the scythe.
Leon talking to another Leon.
Stan and Mitch embracing.
Stew and Caroline embracing.
Jim and Midge embracing.
Alex as a goose.
Stew, Leon, Jim and Alex in a dark cave, Jim at the front, wielding his bike-pump. They are illuminated from below.

END OF CREDITS

Illumination bleaches and mixes to a sunny sky.

EXT - SEASIDE - DAY

BabySham sups cocktails as he reclines on a deckchair.
In the distance, Gordon, Craig, J3PO, Leon, Jim, Stew, Caroline, Gus, Rod, Berlin and Alan play cricket.
Ant, Jim2, Chris, and Esteban are sat on the sand talking about computers with BabySham.
Jane and Alex are splashing around in the sea.
Suddenly, the sky darkens, and the moon passes over the sun. The scene is plunged into blackness.
Then, a short while later, it is light again, and people are very happy.

Stew is trying to catch the ball, but misses and has to run several miles to fetch it.

Craig
Good 'ands!

Yards away:

Alex
This is the life.

Jane
Too right.

The two of them start building sand castles. Not normal little sand castles but big fairytale castles.
Over at the game of cricket, Jim and Leon have wandered off. There is general grumbling.
Stew eventually returns with the ball, but the interest in the game has floundered.
The cricketers join the other conversation.

Jim2
No, no... Linux has the better interface.

Chris
Yeah, but...

Stew
Helloo.

He and Caroline sit on top of each other in a heap of sand at the near side, whilst over at the opposite end Rod and Berlin are rolling around with their dog.

Craig
Just because you're paranoid...

This sentence was never completed.
Chris and Craig were again in close proximity. There was a crackle and a fizz.
Then, suddenly, the entire beach exploded. Kaboooom it went, and a huge shower of sand rained down.

BabySham sits, undisturbed, at the centre of the blast, but his clothes are stereotypically ragged and charred.

BabyS
Happy birthday to me, happy birthday to me...

He sings, to himself, in a slightly disturbed tone.
As he sings, his head jarrs and sparks in the typical malfunctioning android manner.
There are seventeen plops in the sand as seventeen bodies flop down from a great height.
Long shot of BabySham gyrating at the centre of a lumpy beach.
Close up of some sand. There is movement. A hand emerges. It is Jim's.
Others emerge behind him.
Jim, Stew, Leon and Alex approach each other, dusting themselves off.

Stew
What the fuck was that?

Alex
Mmm.

Leon
Look over there!

Behind them, some way out to sea is a huge galleon. It's name is The Tonka.
Closer inspection reveals cannon fire. A section of the coast explodes.
Our heroes duck for cover from the showering sand.

Jim
What the...!?

Another kaboom.
The four of them run inland. But they stop when they hear a scream from below. Out of the sand, beneath Stew's feet, tunnels up J3P0

J3P0
Watch it!

Stew
Oh, sorry, mate... I didn't see you there...

He drags J3PO up out of the sand.

Leon
Where's everybody else?

The five of them look around. Suddenly they begin furious sand rumaging.
But to no avail.

Jim
Where are they?

The water before them splashes under cannon-ball impact. Our heroes get a little wet.

Alex
This is getting annoying.

J3PO
Is BabySham alright?

Shot of vibrating BabySham

Stew
Seems fair enough to me.

Jim
Look. Over there!

They look.

Jim
Isn't that Martina Navratilova?

Stew
Martina Navratilova? In this part of the Caribbean?! No.

Alex
It looks like two people.

Stew
Hey... isn't that Gus and Gordon?

Leon
Who?

Jim
Gus and Gordon. From the band. I can't
see properly. They're too far away.

Alex
Whoever it is, they're digging.

Stew
Let's go an' have a look.

They wander off across the beach.
Throughout these scenes, there are occasional explosions from the cannon-fire.
Reverse angle as we see Gus and Gordon digging a hole.
In the background, beyond an explosion, are the approaching forms of our five intrepid current central characters.
In the foreground:

Gordon
Have you found it yet?

Gordon is scrutinising a piece of parchment. He has his shovel stuck in the sand at the pit-side.

Gus
Still just this mud. It goes on forever.

Gus is wading up to his waist in brown gunk. Above ground level he is merely chest up.
Gordon is pacing backwards towards a rock, and into the back of the shot.
He counts silently, mouthing. In the background are our heroes.

Gus
Hang on...

That line is seen from Gordon's POV.
This is from Gus's:

Gus
I think I've found something.

He grapples with something deep in the mud.
Shot of Gordon taking six side steps to the left, and squinting at the map.
Gus draws from the mud an object roughly rugby-ball sized.

Gus
A-ha!

He wipes off the mud. He looks about for a moment, expecting a Norwegian band.
Gordon rotates the map, quizically, as he paces backwards again. A comp-gen head flashes up in the corner of the screen. Flesh is peeling away from it, slowly.
Gordon makes a side-step to the left, and steps into the path of Stew.
The head is no longer in the shot, and we have changed to a closer camera.

Gordon
Woah.

Stew
Sorry, um...

Gus's head appears above ground. Stew approaches.

Gus
I found a... oh...

Stew
Hello!

Gus
Um... er... hello...

He fumbles with the muddy object behind his back.

Approx. plan of set for next wad of lines:
<- denotes approach during sequence

Gus      Stew    Gordon
        Jim<-    Alex<-  Leon<-

The following dialogue occurs simmultaneously:


 
Stew
 
Jim
(turning back to Gordon)
 
(to Gus, simultaneously)
What you doing?
 
Having fun? What've you got there?
   
 
Gordon
 
Gus
(to Stew)
 
(to Jim)
We're just digging.
Alex approaches.
Nothing. I don't have anything here.
   
 
Alex
 
Lifts his muddy hands up to show them.
(to Gordon)
Leon approaches.
 
Why?
 
Gus
 
Leon
See. Nothing. Except for this mud.
Gordon
(to Gordon as he's talking)
 
We're... 
What's that..?
Jim
   
Come off it. I saw you with
Gordon
He tugs at the parchment in Gordon's hand.
 some rugby-ball sized object. 
(to Leon, as he snatches back the parchment)
Gordon snatches it back.
 
 It's nothing... just a piece of paper.
 
(turning to see the commotion 
   
between Gordon and Leon)
Stew
 
 
What's it got on it?
 
Hey! Is that a treasure map?
   
     
Jim approaches the main group,
   
leaving Gus in his hole.


The parchment does indeed look astonishingly like a treasure map.

Gordon
What? No. It's a shopping list.

Jim
'Here be dragons...' It says here be
dragons... What's all that about?

Alex
What type of shopping list has a map drawn on it?

Gordon
It's a plan of the aisles in Sainsburys.

Stew
Sainsbury's selling dragons now, are they? Hey, Gus!

He wanders over to Gus.

Leon
Well what's that big X?

Gordon
 That's where, um, the...

Jim
And this bit here... 'Here be the treasure'...

Gordon
It's erm... the Golden Graemes. I love Golden Graemes.

Alex
Eurgh...

J3PO
(finally catching up with the group)
This lot've got a box o' frosties that 'ave
been in their kitchen since 1982.

Alex
Slight exaggeration...

Panning over to Gus's hole:

Stew
What's this down here?

Gus
Um? Eh? There's nothing down here. Just mud.

Stew
Mud?

Gus
Doctor's orders.

Stew
This isn't mud... It's some sort of rugby-ball sized casket.

There is a blurring of actions, and in the long shot we see that Gus has grabbed Stew and holds a big musket at his head, while another is trained on the rest of the group, wherein, Gordon has also produced a pair of large guns and is also pointing them at the five. Also.

Gordon
You couldn't let it lie.

Gus
We've no choice but to take you prisoner.

J3PO
Oh. Great. Fucking marvellous.

Jim
Nice people, these friends of yours, Stew.

Stew
Hey, guys, what's wrong?

Gus
I'm sorry. You know too much.

Stew
Know too much?

Alex
I haven't got a clue what's going on.

Stew
You can say that again.

Gordon
Silence. Now walk over there.

He points beyond a dune, where a rowing boat is grounded.

Gordon
Have you got the casket.

Gus
Yes.

They march our heroes to the boat where all seven get in. The guns are chiefly trained on Jim, Leon and Alex. Stew and J3PO are restrained in headlocks.
The boat is pushed out and makes its way gracefully towards Tonka.
There is a beautiful purple and orange sunset and pretty reflections.
The shot pulls back to incorporate the jerking head of BabySham in near sillhoette, to the right of the shot. The tonka is to the left.
The head sparks and bits of it light up with LEDs and things.
Reverse shot ECU of the burnt out face of BabySham. No flesh on it, just a metal meshwork structure, revealing the whirring, clicking right eye, with red/blue glow, and left eyeball, still in place. The hair is also still there, flopping down at each side.
The shot is not well illuminated: A hint of the sunset colours come through, but mainly all we see is the eye.
Mix with sunset again, and the distant Tonka hauling up the rowing boat.

Calm, Monkey Island style music as the sun sets across the water.
The Tonka lifts anchor and slowly sails off.

EXT - DECK OF THE TONKA - EVENING

At the port side, the rowing boat is heaved onto deck, and the occupants step out.
Our five central characters: Stew the philosopher, Jim the compsci, Leon the observer, Alex the psychopath and J3PO the robot are marched onto deck by their two captors, Gus and Gordon.
As they make their way along the gantry, a number of clickings are heard.
Series of wide angle shots depicting a crew of fierce pirates surrounding both our heroes and their captors. Each pirate is well armed.
Four scantily clad female pirates: Anna, Elsie, Midge and Ivy, surround the seven. They say nothing and just look pretty.
This is the instruction from Carl, the red headed and dashing captain of the Tonka, who drops in on a rope. He wears a big sweeping leather coat and a polo-kneck.
The scene is lit with flaming torches.

Gordon
Oops.

Carl
Good evening.

Gus
Ah.

Carl
May I be of assistance.

Gordon
Whoops.

Stew
What's going on?

Midge
Silence!

Stew
Oh. Hi, Midge!

She cocks her musket to fire at him.
Stew puts up his hands and makes a mouth zipping action in the process.
He also grins.
Jim and Alex shrug at each other.

Gus
We'll, er...

Gordon
We'll just be leaving.

He prods Alex in the back and starts marching him round.

Carl
I think not.

J3PO
What's going on?

Gus
We're on the wrong ship.

Leon
Might I take this juncture to say that we five are nothing
whatsoever to do with these two gun toting gentlemen.

Carl waves discretely. Elsie butts Leon in the goolies with her gun.
Leon prostrates himself.
Stew has a painful expression on his face.
Carl goes over to Gus.

Carl
What are you doing here?

Gus
It was an honest mistake... Vix must've double booked the bay.

Carl
I see... I see...

Gordon
Like I say... we'll just be on our way...

Gus
Sorry for any inconvenience.

Much gun clicking.

Carl
I think not... I think not.

Jim and Stew shrug at each other.

Carl
Anna!

Anna steps forward.

Carl
Inspect them.

She steps over to search them.

Cross fade to later that night, where, in the light of the moon, and some torches, the seven captives stand in a row with their kit out in front of them.
The objects are as follows:
Jim: Some tissues, a bike-pump, two AA batteries (dead), a Sony Discman, several hundred pens, a zip-disk and some small change.
Alex: 2,762 assorted mystical cards, some tissues, a lego necromancer, an arm, a scythe, a wax effigy of Rod of Maygar, some viscious looking pins, dark glasses, a gourd of rum, assorted knives of various sizes, several verses of depressing poetry, a script and a blood stained cloth.
Stew: A moulding hankie, a large bunch of keys, a Rhino Card, some moneys, a small pile of blank disks, a magic rune, some bits of badly drawn card, an irredescent ten pence piece, a grease encrusted five pence piece, some safety pins, a green biro, a black ink pen in six parts and a foldback clip.
Leon: Several hundred crumpled up pieces of paper with heiroglyphic writing scrawled across, some old bus tickets, twelve pens, some change, and an unidentified electronic device that goes beep when pressed.
J3PO: A recent copy of the Wisden Almanac, a Lindrick Golf Course score card, several bits of spare PCB, and a car key.
Gus: some drum sticks, a pen-knife, some sellotape, a pair of socks and some keys.
Gordon: Fifty-two plectrums, a bottle of unidentified potion, a root of hemlock, the salad bowl, a ticket for the Governess's ball, two spades, a map/shopping list, and a rugby-ball shaped casket.

Carl
What is this?

He holds up the device from Leon's pocket.

Leon
It's a Strangeometer.

Carl
 Pardon me?

Leon
Very well. But first I must don my ecclesiastical purple.

Leon then hits his own arm.

Alex
It's a device for measuring strangeness.

Carl
Tell me more.

Alex
I would but it's too complicated for the average audience member
to cope with. It involves three dimensional bell-shaped distributions.

Stew
This particular device measures Strangeness by the Aidan.

Jim
But today the Aidan is largely superceded
by the metric SI unit: the Norris.

Stew
Named after Norris McWerter.

Alex
There is however, a simple conversion which we apply to the
results of Leon's device for when we need to use Norrises as part
of metric formulae. You see, one Norris is equal to two-hundred
and thirty-four point six minus the number of feet of the
candidate, all multiplied by the current siderial time.

Jim produces a Blackboard. He rubs off:
CheF's soup is so soupy even the local meteorological society want a slurp.
He writes in chalk:
1Nn=(234.6-Nft)SdT

Carl
Never mind. This device is of no value
to me. This casket on the other hand...

He picks up the rugby ball shaped casket and fumbles with the lock.
ECU of Carl's face as he begins to open the casket.
Melt to...

EXT - IMMINGHAM DOCKS - DAWN

 The Humber Bridge stretches across the misty background.
In the foreground, Stan, the gumshoe, is trying to hire a small boat from a small spanish person:

Esteban
Is a nice boat. You take it?

Stan
Twenty pesos.

Esteban
 I no like you hard wallet.

Stan
Twenty pesos is my limit.

Esteban
What da fuck is a peso anyway?!

Stan
Are you turning it down? I can
always find another ship to charter.

Esteban
You drive a hard bargain, meester.

Stan
Yes. Do I take it we have your ship?

Esteban
Twenty pesos.

Stan
Done.

Esteban
You are a flinty-skinned one,
shrewd in the ways of commerce.

Stan
Yes, I rather think I am.

Stan
(voice over)
And so we boarded the Saucy Sue: Myself, the dangerous
Mitch Carabina, and her younger sister, Rita. Rita was hard.
Staunch. Straight laced, and yet, deep within her eyes, there was
a little region of Switzerland, trying to break free.

Rita (Nicola Walker)
Are you sure she can float?

Esteban
She is all in order now. Please get up.

He pushes her up with her bottom.
Up on deck, the two women hold their arms in tight to their chests and distastefully sniff the sea breeze.
The crew ogle them. The crew are:
Esteban - captain
Alan and Jim2 - two important people near the front
Ant - navigator
Chris - Somewhere at the back, probably steering.
Chris is clearly drunk on grog.
The Saucy Sue casts off, with appropriate crew noises. It is a grimy old industrial steamer thing.

Stan
(vo)
As she set out into the sea, I sensed that all was not well...

Back to:

EXT - THE DECK OF THE TONKA - NIGHT

Carl opening the casket.
It is inches open now. There is a faint glow appearing around the edge of the casket.
Suddenly, there is a cry from high-above.

Voice
Ship astern!

Carl quickly closes the casket and pops it in his pocket. Then he grabs onto a rope and swings into position on the bridge.
The helmsman steers the ship with great difficulty, and Carl stands before him.
He reaches out of the top of the frame, and brings down a periscope, which he then looks through.
Carl whistles as he surveys the following sight, seen in Periscopic vision, complete with sub noises:
A mighty galleon approaches, The name on the bow is Gatherer's Moon.
There is a flash.
On the bridge, Carl staggers back, clutching his eyes.
There is a general sense of panic.
On the deck below, the seven look at each other, a little confused.
They scoop up their belongings.
Gus turns to Alex

Gus
 How many knives do you own?

Alex
Ninety three.

Gus
Scary.

Alex
The most scary thing is I don't know where all of them are.

Stew
Left in coprpses mostly...

Jim
I'd imangine you're right.

beat

Leon
I'm fed up.

Stew
What?

Leon
I want a bigger role.

Jim
Oh.

Alex
But you've never said much.

Stew
Yeah, you're an observer... That's your role.

Leon
Still... I want more...

Alex
I know what you mean...

Jim
You've got more lines these days than you ever had!

Leon
Yeah! All you used to do was go "Mmn mnmrmm mrmhhh"!

Alex
Mrhh.

J3PO
Hello!

Gordon
You should start up a rival soap if
you're so bothered about getting lines.

J3PO
Hello?!

Alex
Hmm. It's an idea. And a very good idea at that!

Alex disappears down into:

INT - THE HULL OF THE TONKA - CONT.

He produces some paper. In the absence of a pen he writes in his own blood, which he keeps in a small bottle under his armpit.
Meanwhile:

EXT - THE DECK OF THE TONKA - CONT.

The scene is getting a little darker as the large galleon appears by the port side.
There are a number of small explosions, and then various characters, most of whom are extras, leap from boat to boat, getting slightly injured by the bad pyrotechnical special effects that we have laid on within the confines of our tight budget.
Carl staggers backwards as down the main sail slices a fiendishly cunning pirate woman.
Her name is Caroline and she cuts her way across before swinging to the bridge and drawing her cutlass.

Caroline
(amongst the background melee)
Give me the casket and the prisoners.

Carl draws a pistol from deep inside his long coat.

Carl
Never!

Caroline slices across him with the cutlass and two black buttons fall to the deck.
Carl fires, but Caroline leaps up and swings around, clutching the big wooden bit at the bottom of one of the sails (the boom) and spinning round, kicking Carl through the fencing and onto the deck proper.
Our camera man tracks her path over to him, and our sound man gets kicked in by an extra.
His boom is stolen and used as a weapon by someone else who does some exciting moves in the distance, involving the helmsman.
J3PO dives as the ship lurches, and he grabs the weapons from two of the crew members mentiond earlier.
Leaping up, he shoots a few times for no good reason, then hides in a barrel.
There is distant cannon fire.
Meanwhile:

INT - THE HULL OF THE TONKA - CONT.

Alex scrawls away at his rival soap, while water rushes in from breeches in the hull.

EXT - THE DECK OF THE TONKA - CONT.

Gordon, Gus, Caroline, Stew, Jim and Leon are fighting side by side.
Carl is crawling towards the deck stairs, the casket clutched to his chest.

INT - THE HULL OF THE TONKA

The water is just below Alex's script.

EXT - THE DECK OF THE TONKA

Much cool fight scenes. Use your imagination.

INT - THE HULL

Up to his nose in bilge.

EXT - THE DECK

Rats scurry off the edges of the ship and struggle to doggy paddle their way to shore.
So do a number of crew members.
Caroline leaps across in persuit of Carl.
Carl is sliding down the stairs.

INT - THE STAIRS OF THE TONKA

Alex appears and bars his way.

Alex
I've finished.

Carl sidesteps but so does Alex. Much confusion as the two simultaneously attempt to give way.
Caroline leaps at Carl, knife between teeth, and plunges her cutlas within his back.
Carl staggers, and falls to the deck, rolling down the steps and splashing somewhere deep within the sinking ship.

EXT - THE DECK OF THE TONKA

The eight of them rush, Caroline in front, over to a gang-plank, and scurry towards the Gatherer's Moon.

EXT - THE DECK OF THE GATHERER'S MOON

Caroline
The casket!

She turns back. The boat is sinking fast.
She dives in.
Splosh.

INT - WATER - CONT.

The others look at each other.

Cue very boring underwater sequence, a la James Bond.
Caroline swims down, swimmy swimmy, and there are some sharks. Cameraman bobs up to surface for air.

EXT - SURFACE OF WATER / GATHERER'S MOON - CONT.

Alex, leaning over the side of the ship, grabs his attention.

Alex
Hey!

camera tilts, quizically.

Alex
Do you want to do my script?

camera tilts the other way.

Alex
You won't have to get wet.

camera nods violently.

Cameraman (Graham Berry)
(over)
Uh, alright!

Alex
Cool.

Side pan and mix, to

EXT - WOODLAND CLEARING / WOODS - NIGHT

Alex sat at a camp-fire, beside a warm and cosy camera-crew.

Alex
You see, the hand is effectively a particle accelerator.

As he explains this, a herd of stampeding elephants stampede through the woodland clearing and gather around the campfire in a manner suggesting that they are attracted by the light.
Jim appears, carrying a lightsabre. He ignites it, and the elephants are distracted. He runs, and the elephants give chase.
Jim runs a lot. We track as he runs away from elephants. Lots of arty shots and things.
In another clearing he stops and turns round. Out of his body come Leon and Stew.
The three of them stand facing the elephants, rhythmically bobbing up and down to some funky new music.
Jim kills all the elephants by conjuring up a big penguin that sits on them.
The elephants die and Jim, Stew and Leon do a celebratory dance.
They then turn into penguins.

EXT - DESOLATE STREET-GHETTO AREA - NIGHT

The penguins waggle across a desolate street-ghetto area. Some youfs play roller-hockey. The penguins join in.
Alex rises from the ground. He chuckles. He has multiple arms in the manner of a Hindu god, and each hand carries a differently shaped sharp knife.
The knives glint in the moonlight.
Full 360 pan to show the world around him in dawn-light:

EXT - AN OCEAN OF BLOOD - DAWN

POV of Alex, as he sees, in the distance, Caroline come up from the ocean, breathing heavily.
Reveal, in close up that the ocean is of salt water but with a red sky giving the impression of blood.

EXT - OCEAN'S SURFACE / GATHERER'S MOON - DAWN

Caroline lifts an arm to the ropes that dangle from the side of the galleon, and slowly she clambers aboard, clutching the casket.

EXT - THE DECK OF THE GATHERER'S MOON - DAWN

Stew
That was very entertaining, Alex. Thankyou.

Alex
Mmrhm. Mrhmrhm hm hhrhm hmrm mrhm.

Caroline hauls herself up onto the deck, and everybody looks at her expectantly; everybody being:
Gordon and Gus, Leon, Stew, J3PO, Alex and Jim, and Berlin, Craig and Rod.
She grins at them, and then stashes the casket away into her inside pocket, before grabbing a rope, and disappearing upwards out of shot.

Rod
Full speed ahead.

Gus nods and through exciting and unclear (or nuclear) means, the galleon speeds up.

Caroline's voice from above
More sail!

Stew
Very good!

Stew turns to his colleagues.

Stew
This is fun, isn't it!

Jim
Hmm...

Leon
What's going on?

Stew
I'll tell you later. First we must find Fort Condom!

J3PO
Where's that?

Stew
Haven't got a clue...

Jim
Oh. Right. Good job we don't have to steer this thing.

Stew
Yeah.

Longshot of galleon speeding through the high seas.

Leon
How do you know we have to find Fort Condom?

Stew
I don't.

Leon
Oh.

Jim
What?

Stew
I'll tell you later.

Alex
What?

Stew
Look... Um... er...

Alex
Hum.

Leon
Fah!

Jim
Griiiiiiip!

J3PO
(same footage as earlier)
Hello?!

Stew
Erm... It... ouch.

J3PO
You shouldn't talk so much shit.

Jim
What's going on?

Leon
I imagine it's the sea air.

Jim
Oh.

Stew
Would anybody object strongly if I were to play the bagpipes now?

Everyone
Yes!

Stew
They're not real bagpipes. They're special olde engishe bagpipese.

Leon
Eh?

Stew
They're made out of real life cat.

Alex
Oh.

Jim
Don't play them.

Stew strikes up a tune.

Jim
 Stew...

Jim
Stew...!

Jim
Stew!

Jim
Shut the fuck up!!!

Alex
Where are we going really.

Stew
I told you...

Leon
You mean we're really going to a place called Fort Condom?

Stew
Have a rusk.

Jim
Is that a yes?

Stew
How the fuck should I know?!

Leon
I see.

Alex
You write this.

Stew
No I don't.

Leon
Yes you do.

Stew
No I don't.

Jim
You do, Stew.

Stew
No.

Jim
You do write this.

Stew
Well, yes, but... not really.

Alex
Not really?

Stew
 Well it isn't me is it...

Alex
Eh?

Stew
Look, can we do something funny please.

Leon punches Stew.

Stew
Ow!

Jim
So where are we going?

Stew
I don't know.

Leon
Well if you don't know, who does?

Stew
Who indeed...

Leon
Well, yes, who?!

Stew
Um...

Jim
I'm going to kick you now. It might hurt.

Stew
Argh! Owo owoow ooo!

Alex
Fancy a game of Atomic bomber-man?

Jim
I would, but we're at sea on a strange galleon.

Alex
Good point.

Stew
Tell you what I'll do... I'll go and ask some-one.

Stew goes towards Gordon.

Stew
Where we going?

Gordon
Sainsburys.

Stew
I see.

He goes back to the others.

Stew
We're going to Sainsburys.

Jim
Oh.

Alex
Do they sell Lego?

Stew
I don't know.

Jim
Tescos might.

Leon
Hmm.

J3PO
Hello?

Long shot of Galleon sailing into the morning.

INT - WATER - CONT.

Underwater shot of boat's keel. Clutching to it is BabySham.
Sparks fly off his jerking form, and dolphins are attracted to him.
Babysham and the dolphins swim side by side.
Keen eyed viewers may notice a slight change in appearence.
The glasses have gone, but that is not all...

to Episode 4 Part 2