EPISODE FOUR:
PART TWO:

Establish shot of:

EXT - E.D.S. WAREHOUSE - DAY

-the offices and stores of a delivery company.
The building is generically caribbean in its shack-like disposition. There are some palm trees too.
We zoom into a round large window at the top of the building. Utilise music from Play School.
Within the room beyond the window is the shadow of an obese man at a desk.
He has his back to us. He is in shadow.
Upon his body is a blue fleece jacket over a black and white horizontally striped jumper. These details will be more apparent later in the scene.
The figure is Tomy (Robbie Coltraine).

Tomy
We need better scripts if this soap is to continue.

He paces to the right to reveal Econ stood before the desk.
As we zoom closer, revealing more of the interior, we see that Stew stands by his side.

Econ
Yeah, because it's like... really going crap(?)

INT - E.D.S. OFFICE - CONT.

Tomy paces behind the desk / in front of the window.
Shot between Econ. and Stew who might frame the shot in a dark, blurry way.

Tomy
We have received a number of scripts from rival writers.

Stew hangs his head in shame.

Tomy
Would you like to see them?

Stew
Yes please.

Stew reads the scripts.

Stew looks up.

Tomy
Any questions?

Stew
Why are you here? I thought you were dead.

Econ
Damn your insolence.

Stew
Eh?

Tomy
We are here because you have dissapointed us.

Stew
Eh?

Econ
Mother here is dissatisfied with your output, like(?)

Stew
No, you've lost me there.

Econ
Excuse me.

Tomy
Is something wrong, you stupid fucking wanker?

Stew
Ah... Things are felling more like they should...

Econ
I am receiving like a... one of those things
when they call you from our home planet(?)

Stew
A transmission from your home planet?

Econ
Is it? Right. hang on.

He goes over to a corner(?) and there he like sort of groans a bit(?) and comes back(?) And he says to Stew:

Econ
Can I borrow your lead?

Stew hands Econ a guitar lead.
Econ goes back into the corner(?) right, and there he sort of plugs what looks like a guitar(?) into the wall(?) and these hideous other worldly noises are made(?) and this is how he communicates, cos it clearly isn't a guitar(?).
Stew screams in agony.
Econ stops the noises(?) and comes back over to the desk(?).
Note that the desk is scratched badly, is free from varnish, and includes at one corner a small pile of varnishlike substance that may or may not have been scraped free of the desk's surface.
Stew looks on expectantly.

Stew
Can I have my lead back, please, only I kind of need it...

Econ
Oh, right, sorry, sorry, you just... sorry...

Stew
Thankyou.

Econ
Master, They called right, and they said like
that we're sort of got to give him a second chance(?)
right because they still need to observe some more(?)

Stew
Observe?

Tomy
Fucking brilliant that(!) Fascists.
Alright. You've got one last chance!

Stew
Thanks.

Tomy
If this episode doesn't get up to scratch soon then the
contract gets given to somebody else. Fucking hell.

Stew
Right you are.

Econ escorts Stew out into another room:

INT - E.D.S. WAREHOUSE - CONT.

Here, Stew is placed onto an assembly line. By the end of it he is parcelled up, addressed and stamped.
The address reads:
12A The Grove, Chepstow.
Several people, all of whom appear to be Econ, load the package into a van.

EXT - OUTSIDE THE WAREHOUSE - CONT.

The van speeds off into the distance, and over a hill to the horizon.
Cue music played on tinky guitar:
D Gsus2 D Gsus2 D Gsus2 Gsus2 Bm Bm Bm Bm
G G A A G G A A G G A A D D D D
G G A A D D Bm Bm G G A A D D D D
G G A A D A Bm A G G G G A G A A
D Gsus2 D Gsus2 D Gsus2 Gsus2 Bm Bm Bm Bm
G G A A G G A A G G A A D D D D
G G G A A A D Gsus2 D Gsus2 D Gsus2 D A D D.
As the music plays, we see a montage of the red van with the parcel in it, going over ludicrously steep hills, and through idiotically deep valleys, across beautiful countryside.
In the cab is POSTMAN WALSH (William Hurt) and his pet cat, HEDGEHOG.

Walsh
Dum bum dee, da-ba dat dah,
dum pum da-de da-da da-ba dum dah...
Dup dup dee dum dah dah,
a-rump-i-dump dee dump dap dah,
scoopy-doopy deepy-doopy dappy-doppy dub-oop dah,
shoopy-doopy doopy wak wak!

The music takes a sudden turn as three black backing singers, clad in shimmering sequins appear behind the skat king.

Singers
Ooh, Shoopy-shoopy shak shak, Shoopy-shoopy doopy-doopy wak wak!

Walsh
Bap ap dee de-wap ap doopy doopy dee-dat,
rumpy-skumpy-watchi-kotchi deebi-luppy-dee..

Singers
Shoobi-doobi-scoobi wat wat!

Walsh
Rampi-dampi-gampi-scampi

Singers
Ghandi-shuggi-doo-wabbadi-wobbidi

Walsh
Rumplestiltskin-nicker-badger

Singers
Willy-bum-shoobadi-nak nak!

Walsh
Nicketty nacketty bibbitty bobbetty boo...

Singers
Wak wak... ooh... wak wak...

The van stops on the deck of a huge galleon...

EXT - DECK OF THE GATHERER'S MOON - DAY

Walsh gets out and goes to he back of the van, opens the doors and pulls out a large box.
Alex, J3PO, Jim, Leon, Caroline, Gordon, Gus and Stew gather around.
Walsh opens the box, and pulls out of it a big axe.
Walsh then runs around deck with the axe, chasing people and screaming a lot.
Alex closes his eyes, and a beam of energy materialises in his hands.
The energy becomes a bigger axe.
So Alex chases Walsh who chases everyone else.
And then, from high above, from somewhere up in the rigging, Berlin and Rod leap down, casting a large net over Walsh.
Cut to Long Shot of the ship sailing.
Closer to reveal Walsh being forced along a gang-plank. Below it, three crocodiles circle.

Caroline
A-har! Walk! Walk!

Walsh steps off and gets eaten.

Caroline
Na-har, me harties!

By her side we notice a farmer, played by Brian Cant.

Cant
Ooh-ar!

By his side are two Russell Harty lookalikes.
Fade to grey.

Fade up on Stan who has been washed up on a desert island with Rita:

EXT - DESERT ISLAND - DAY

Stan
(VO)
We'd been sailing for two days when the crew had decided to
mutiny, and in the ensuing conflict we were cast overboard. In the
confusion I was unable to find Mitch Carabina. Somehow my life seemed
worthless now, but Rita dragged me to safety on this strange deserted  island.

Rita mimes some actions to him.
She mimes building a hut.

Stan
You want a cup of coffee? Here? Tea? Um...? Er? Oh build... Erm.
Hang on... its a film? Its not a film... oh... er, three words...
First word...First word build. Got that. Yeah, Tent? Second word
tent? Build tent? Oh! A! Build a! Build a tent? Like a tent... A
um... ear... no, erm soundslike dog. Frog? Oh, not dog. Bitch?
Cat? Build a flat? No... a... soundslike spread. Margerine? Oh,
Butter... Very small butter? Oh shorter than butter... Ter? Oh,
 Soundslike Butt. Very good. Erm, Build a nut? No? A-ut, but, cut,
dut, e-ut, foot? Build a foot? Two feet? no, gut, hut... Hut?
You want me to build a hut?

She nods furiously.

Stan
Out of what?

Rita continues to mime.

Stan
Three words. First word, hook? I don't have a hook. In? Sex? Not
sex... um no, not in? Oh, out. Yeah, second word, of, good, third
word, um... fingers? trees... ah, right yes.

Timelapse as he builds a hut, overwhich:


Stan
 
And so I built a hut for us both. And there we lived happily. At
Stan builds the hut.
first we found things difficult in this strange environment but
The two of them drink elaborate cocktails in the hut.
eventually I began to understand her signing, and we developed
Rita signs. Stan understands and laughs (no sound). 
an elaborater system of communication using feet. From there,
Rita and stan lie on the floor and wave their feet around.
romance blossomed. Beyond the trappings of society, we shook off
They roll into each other and hesitantly kiss.
our civilised ways, forraging for fruit and veg, and fishing in
Shots of them foraging and fishing in a lewd and suggestive manner.
the nearby sea. One year, a storm raged, and our hut was
Kissing as the storm tosses the hut away.
destroyed, but together we built a new one, and with a few shells
Building a hut while stroking each others' bodies.
and some vine, we built an elaborate synthesiser. As the days went
Building a synthesiser while stroking each others' bodies.
on, we found ourselves growing ever closer, and together we shared
Making love on the beach with no clothes on ever.
the beautiful harmony of this paradise. Until...
 

Now we cut to Rita by a fig tree.
A gecko (voice of Jeremy Irons) appears.

Gecko
Alright?!

Rita
Uh?

Gecko
I'm Gilbert, Gilbert the Gecko. Who are you?

Rita mimes two syllables.

Gilbert
S'alright... You're Rita, aintcha.

Rita nods.

Gilbert
How d'ya like my fig tree?

Rita smiles appreciatively.

Gilbert
Fancy a fig?

Rita shakes a head.

Gilbert
Do you not like them?

Rita mimes "They bring me out all in a rash".

Gilbert
They... bring... me... out... all... in... a... rash...
 Do they? These wont. I promise.

Rita makes an expression of "Won't they?"

Gilbert
No. Here. Try one.

Rita tries one. She nods appreciatively.
Stan approaches.
Rita points out the Ghecko to Stan

Gilbert
Watcha, squire. Just showing yer old lady me figs.

Stan
But you're allergic, dear!

Gilbert
Not these ones. These ones are special.

Stan
Really..?

Rita offes a fig to Stan.
Stan tastes it but chokes.

Gilbert
Of course, there is a slight side affect...

Stan
What have you done?!

Gilbert
They DO make you completely bonkers. You'll be obsessed about
 pointless things, and illogically paranoid about your nudity.

Stan
You bastard! Shit! I'm not wearing any clothes!

Rita is equally distressed.

Stan
Quick! Let's join a bank! Let's trade in this peaceful
self-sustaining existance where our afternoons are spent with
ourselves and our synthesiser, and get jobs instead!

Rita nods. They run off into the jungle.
Gilbert grins.

Cut to the Gatherer's Moon weighing anchor by a small island. The island has a big sign nailed to a tree. It reads: "Stan's ship repairs"
Below it is another sign: "Rita's Kabin"
The rowing boat contains Stew, Leon, Alex, Jim and Caroline. It grounds on the beach.
Our five heroes head into the jungle and reach a concrete structure.
They ring on a doorbell. Two huge wooden doors open, and they are greeted by Stan.
Stan wears a suit and tie.

Caroline
We need some timber, and some tar to make general repairs on our boat.

Stew
There's going to be a flood.

Jim
Yeah, you better watch out. It'll take this place with it, I tell  you.

Rita runs down some steps within the building (seen through the doorway). She wears a twin-set and pearls, and a floral apron. She stands by Stan.

Stan
They say there's going to be a flood.

Rita
We have to get to Ark.

Stew
You can come on our galleon if you want.

Leon
Are you sure we want them on board?

Caroline
Just kit us out, then you can hop aboard.

Alex
Do you have any animals here?

Stan
Just our pet ghecko, Gilbert.

Caroline
Do Gheckos have long ears?

Stew
Nevermind, he can come aboard too.

Stan
This boat of yours, does it have all mod cons?

Caroline
(a la James Mason)
It's got a big room for poo.

Jim and Leon kill themselves with big knives that they found lying around.
Presumably the knives were once Alex's.

Alex
Look what you've done now.

Caroline
Oh dear.

Stew
Nevermind... More room for the rest of us.
(To Stan)
You should see our cabin. Huge. Okay, the taps whistle
annoyingly, and the decor's a bit sickly but the place is huge!

Alex
And so sooooo quiet...

Stew
Yeah!

Alex
And there's this gangplank, which I'm not supposed to go on, but I do...

Stan
Okay, we'll come with you. I don't suppose you're going past a
supermarket on your travels are you? Only we need some mangoes.

Stew
As a matter of fact, that's right where we're heading!

Distant shot of all this from someone's POV.
Reverse angle to show that it's another Leon, hidden behind a palm-tree.
He scurries off into the dense mangrove.
At the other side of the island, we find ourselves at the establish shot of:

EXT - E.D.S. WAREHOUSE - DAY

In through the window again.
Tomy sits at the desk. Leon stands before him.

INT - E.D.S. OFFICE - CONT.

Tomy
How goes this week's episode?

Leon
Not good I fear.

Tomy shouts to Econ, who is stood by the door.

Tomy
Fetch Mr Jester!

Econ leaves.

Tomy
Care for an egg.

Leon
No thankyou.

Econ re-enters, with Stew.

Tomy
Stew, I'm afraid, you have failed.

Stew
What?!

Tomy
Your scripts are incoherent...

Stew
They're supposesd to be.

Tomy
And not very funny.

Stew
Therein lies the comedy.

Leon
No it doesn't.

Stew
Why, Leon, you double crossing, good for nothing...

Leon
You always knew I was an observer...

Stew
Still... for Tomy?!

Leon
Tomy pays me well.

Tomy
Consequently, Mr. Barrett here will be
taking the contract for the forseable future.

Jim enters and grins an embarresed grin.

Tomy
As for you, you will be cast into the sea.

Stew is catapulted through the roof and into the vast ocean.

INT - OCEAN - CONT.

He sinks into the murky blue.
Closing credits as he sinks deeper and deeper. Lots of bubbles.

Episode 4: A New Soap
Written by Stew Jester, with sections by Dennis Potter.
Conceived by Stew Jester
Key Grip - Stew Jester
Foley Editor - Stew Jester
Music - Stew Jester and Gatherer's Moon
Produced by Tomy at EDS
Directed by Stew Jester
Copyright A/V Woman Productions 1782.
 

At the end of the credits, Stew's limp body is approached by a number of dolphins.
At their head is a slim, human sized dolphin, dark cyan in colour but with yellow dorsal points.
This dolphin exudes an aire of having spent the night round at a dragon's place. This dolphin doesn't have wings or legs.
It prods at Stew's body with its nose. Stew drifts lifelessly. The dolphin makes a ca-ca-ca noise like what dolphins do.
Fade to black.

Fade up on:

EXT - SPACE

Stew's limp body floating  in a star-scape. A large baby, the size of a planet, drifts towards him and then rebounds in the opposite direction.
Stew is sent spinning across the universe.
He spins out of sight in the far distance, and then springs back at tremendous speed towards the camera. His body hits the lens and cracks it.

Shot of breaking glass falling to the floor.
Black background.
A brush enters shot and sweeps the glass away. The brush is controlled by Barnie.
Barnie turns to the camera and winks. Her hooped ear-rings jangle mysticly.
As she winks, stardust twinkles.
She passes by the camera, revealing behind her a sliding door.
There is a short pause, and the door slides open at speed.
Stew is stood in the doorway. He looks replenished.
He steps forward.
All this is seen to be:

INT - MR CHOPS: THE CORRIDOR

POV as he looks up and down Mr.Chops, the corridor from episode 1.
He wanders up the corridor.
The corridor is much changed. All life and vitality is absent.
He opens the door to the kitchen and steps in.

INT - RAY: THE KITCHEN - CONT.

This shot is taken from the far side of the kitchen.
Stew falls out of shot. There is no floor.
Stew falling through:

INT - DARK CHASM - CONT.

Narrator (Anna Ford)
It is two years ago since Mr.Chops was destroyed.
Since that time, the inhabitants have crawled through countless
dimensions, escaping death at the hands of various unpleasant characters.
Many said that it was all a dream. Some said that it was the fevered imagination
of a man with an over-inflated ego.
But then he got the sack.

Stew lands in a hessian sack. The sack is on a production line in:

INT - E.D.S. WAREHOUSE

The sack moves along and is sealed with a knot at the top. Stew writhes inside.
The sack goes down a chute.
Shot of a skip full of hessian sacks.
Stew's sack falls on top.
The sack rolls off the pile and hits the ground with a thud.

Like a tiny bird from an egg, Stew slowly emerges from the sack.
As he is about to crawl free, a pair of heeled ankle-boots stride into shot.
Stew looks up, timidly.
Long shot. Reveal a girl, slightly younger than Stew, with a slight family resemblance.

Narrator:
This is Stew's sister, Sally.

She smiles to camera.

Narrator:
She has infiltrated the soap.

Contrast becomes darker. Orange strobe glow. Sirens and claxons.
Stock footage of firemen going down a pole.
Engine pulls out of station. Drives down the road.

EXT - E.D.S. WAREHOUSE - DAY

The engine passes by the front of EDS.

In the window stands Tomy, looking out. Pan and zoom.

Tomy
And so, it proved to be a dream.

Stew
(on his knees beyond the desk - revealed by the pan)
I'm dreaming?

Reverse angle:

INT - E.D.S. OFFICE - CONT.

Tomy turns. Shadowed with the contrast at the window.

Tomy
Yup.

Stew
Then that would explain why the rabbits
are in the shed making a sledge.

Tomy
They are making a sledge in preparation for the snows.

Stew
Oh.

Barnie
Sat where Tomy was stood, the crystal of enderon on the table before her
I see a great death will befall thee.

Stew
Sorry?

Barnie
Mark my words, you shall not live longer than these three days.

Stew
I am not afraid. I have died several times already.

Close shots:
Barnie
Your arrogance will be your undoing.

Reveal that the room is no longer there, and that they are suspended in black.

Stew
What is happening?

Barnie
We are due another episode.

Around them materialises a living room. It is mushroom in hue.

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - EVENING

All we see of the living room is a settee. On the left sits Stew.
On the right sits Barnie. To the left of the settee is a pair of patio doors.
To the right is an interior door. Continue to keep the shots close so that we see little or none of this detail.

Stew
What happened to the carribean?

Barnie
You ran over budget.

Stew
So we're just going to move the storyline somewhere else?

Barnie
The storyline will be completely new.

Stew
But what about continuity?

Barnie
Beware, Stew Jester!

She begins to fade out of existence as we get a wider shot of the settee.

Stew
Oi!

She is gone.

Through the patio door is a shed. Banging noises eminate from it.
Stew's head is in the foreground. He turns to look beyond camera.
Wide shot of settee:
Leon enters the room from the door in the opposite wall to the patio doors.

Leon
Good morning.

Stew
Hello

Leon
Are the rabbits still using my shed?

Stew
Um...

Leon
Sounds like it.

Stew
Where's Jim and Alex?

Leon
Dunno. Hiding, I wouldn't wonder.

Stew
Hiding?

Leon
Yes.

Stew
What from?

Leon
No idea. Pretend I never said anything.

Crane shot: Pull back and rise up to show that the room is much bigger than we initially thought (use a warehouse sized studio).
At the bottom edge of shot, on the opposite wall to the settee Stew and Leon are on, is another settee with Jim and Alex on it.
Reverse angle showing this other settee with Jim and Alex on it from the POV of Stew and Leon.
There is a door to the right of the settee, and an alcove to the left which leads out of shot...

They shout.

Jim
Hello!

Perhaps shot from behind the first settee, with a wide angled lens:

Leon
They're over there.

Stew
 I didn't see them. Sorry.

Alex
Hmph!

Shot more closely again to give an illusion of closeness (also slightly less shouty):

Jim
I'm his son. I can't believe it...

Stew
What?

Leon
He can't hear you.

Stew
Why not?

Leon
He's in shock.

Jim
Siddor...

Stew
Did he just say Siddor?

Leon
Probably.

Stew
Well why?

Alex
Siddor's his dad!

Stew
What?!

Alex
Siddor's his dad!

Stew
His what?!

Alex
His dad!!

Leon
It's true.

Stew
Well how'd that happen?

Leon
Well you told him.

Stew
Did I?

Leon
Yes.

Stew
 Something's not right here.

Alex
That'd be another parallel universe you've crossed!

Stew
Oh.

Leon
You see all of this has probably already happened.

Stew
I see.

Leon
Is that all you have to say? I see?!

Stew
Er..

Leon
Well that's not very funny is it...

Stew
Erm...

Leon
You could've said something like knees or canary or something.

Stew
Um...

Alex
I think you're just confusing him.

Leon
He confuses easy, that's his trouble.

Stew
Er...

<beat>

The door Leon entered by opens again and in walks Caroline.

Caroline
Hello!

Stew greets her.

Caroline
Well then...  are we off to the pub?

Alex
Yeah.

Leon
It's about time.

Stew
Er?

Jim
Uh... yeah...

Caroline
Come on then...

EXT - THE RED LION PH, MERCHANTGATE, YORK - NIGHT

Establish.

INT - THE RED LION PH - MIDDLE BIT BETWEEN BAR AND TOILETS - NIGHT

Jim, Alex, Leon, Stew and Caroline are sat at a table drinking.
Behind them at another table, a covern of witches eat cheese in order to experience frighteningly vivid dreams.
The song on the juke-box fades out prematurely and is replaced with The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.
Bill Oddie appears from behind the bar and plugs in a microphone. He proceeds to sing along.
Judi Dench also appears from behind the bar. She is a little drunk. She dances to the music.
She comes across to our heroes.

Judi
What are you drinking?

Leon
What?

Judi
Is that bitter?

Leon
Yes.

Judi
<to Stew>
Bitter?

Stew
Er, yeah.

Judi
What are you on, love?

Alex
Guiness.

Caroline
Oh, erm... cider.

Judi
What about Big Mouth ere?

Jim seems clearly distracted.

Jim
What... er... um... my dad...

Caroline
Hes drinking cider too I think.

Judi
He's very quiet tonight. What's up?

Stew
Dunno...

Judi dissapears behind the bar.

Stew
Is she getting us a drink?!

Leon
Surely not.

Alex
She can't be.

Stew
She is. She's getting us a drink.

Alex
Whoa.

Leon
What's the occasion?

Stew
Search me.

Caroline
I think it's twenty years since they got this pub.

Stew
Yeah?

Caroline
It's just a guess.

Judi brings them all half pints of their respective drinks.

Leon
I know what it is. She's seen a gang of really drunken football
 hooligans heading this way and she's trying to get them to kill us.

Alex
She's cunning.

Bill Oddie is still singing.

Stew
I wonder what it really is.

Leon
God knows.

Jim
Siddor's my dad.

Leon
Yeah. We know.

Caroline
Tastes alright anyway.

Leon
Hang on.
<swills it round his mouth>
I'm not getting any numbness. I don't think it's poisoned.
It's the crappest bitter in the pub but I don't think it's actually toxic.

Jim
My dad.

Stew
Yeah yeah...

Jim
Siddor!

Alex
 We know.

Jim
no...
<he points behind them... and then faints>

The rest look at each other and shrug.
Little do they know that directly behind them looms Siddor.
He raises his arms high above them and seems about to descend upon them with monsterous force, but instead takes the microphone off Bill.

Siddor
Ladies and gentlemen! Can I have your attention please.

The group see him and freeze.

Siddor
I'd like to thank you all for coming tonight. I can't wait to get settled
in here. I'm sure you'll miss A/V Woman and ConMan as they leave for
pastures new, albeit somewhat richer. Three cheers for them methinks.

He leads three cheers. Our heroes don't join in, or move in any way.

Siddor
I wish them all the best at their new pub in Wales. For those
of you who don't know who I am, let me introduce myself:
 I am Siddor, scourge of the universe, and from tonight I'll be
 your new land-lord. All drinks on the house for the next hour!

Lots of raucous cheering.
But not from our heroes who are still frozen.
Siddor puts his head round them.

Siddor
Alreyt, kids? Things'll be pretty fun with me around, don't you think?

He smiles a menacing smile and leaves.

Still frozen...

Fade to red.

Black final credits card:

A/V Woman Productions 1999.

Visit the New Soap Web Site:
http://www.avwoman.co.uk/newsoap

Fade to black.

Static.

EXT - UNDER THE FLYOVERS BY THE TERMINAL ROOM AT GOODRICKE - NIGHT

Camcorder quality as Karen appears, straight to camera:

Karen
Hello. Hello? Are you there? Hello?

A pause.

Static.

Fade out.

Episode 5