A New Soap

EPISODE FIVE:
PART ONE

Narrator (Anna Ford):
Before the events of the New Soap, other things happened.
At long last, here is the New Soap Prequel:







A/VWoman productions logo and fanfare.
Starscape.

Caption:

 A long time ago in a Driffield Council Estate...
 

Scrollpast:

 It is a period of all-out conflict. We haven't got a clue what's going
on so you probably won't either. There's some people: Queen Pate,
Ric Ole, a couple of Greyskull Knights and assorted others running
around shooting things. Go with it.

The above is accompanied with music by Major Tom Williams and his Millitary Band.

INT - LARGE WAREHOUSE - DAY

Lots of shooting.
TWO EXCITING ROBOTS roll up and shoot a lot.
NICK (Bill Bailey) and OMRA (Ewan McGregor) draw bicycle pumps from their utility belts.
They extend their (very ordinary looking) pumps and deflect the energy beams.
PATE (Nicola Walker) and the others: RIC (Jean Reno), J3PO (Angus Deayton), ATOO (fx), JAM-JAR (Vincent Perez) and JACK (Christopher Eccleston), run around shooting things. They reach a pair of blast doors.
Paté hits the door control mechanism and the huge iron doors whirr apart revealing DARTH CASTRATE (Mark Curry).
 
Darth wears a Jewish mother's shaul and skirt, and a small child's face paints. He has wild and unkempt hair.
He grins and holds out his bicycle pump (unextended) in the horizontal.

Castrate
 Stick the Pig.

The pump extends to the left. Then after a short pause it extends to the right also.

There is general shock at the two ended bike pump.

Rick
Pate, get these people out of here.

Pate and the rest move the fight off into the distance where SOME HORSE-SKELETON-LIKE ROBOTS (fx) lurk.

Robot1
(vocoder)
Exterminate them!

Robot2
(vocoder)
Roger Roger.

Robot1
That sounds silly.

Robot2
Roger Banister.

Robot1
Shut up.

Robot2
Roger Waters.

Robot1 shoots Robot2.

Meanwhile, a bike-pump battle, superbly choreographed, is taking place in:

INT - REACTOR ROOM - CONT.

(as all bike-pump battles should).

Castrate seems to be winning when suddenly he accidently chops off both his legs with his rediculous weapon.

Omra cheers and throws his bike pump up in celebration.
Unfortunately it  falls down the reactor shaft.

 Omra
Bugger.

Nick
Salright, I'll get it.

Nick dangles at the edge of the pit and stretches. But it remains inches  from his grasp.

Nick
If I can get just a little bit nearer... ...argh!!!!!

Omra rushes to the edge of the pit to see Nick falling to his death.

Omra
Noooooooo!!!!!

Nick hits the bottom with a splat.

Omra leaps to the bottom of the pit. The two corpses are laid side by side.

Omra mopes a bit, then grabs his master's bike pump and mournfully exits.

Wipe to:

EXT - CENTRAL HALL, YORK UNI - DAY

INT - CENTRAL HALL - DAY

YOGA (fx; voice of Ben Kingsley), a Ghandi-like troll character, strolls from one side of the room to the other. Omra looks on.

Omra
I can train the kid. Honnest.

Yoga
Can you doubt don't I. But. Liability bloody a he's think I.

Omra
No! Nick said he'd bring balance to the fish-force.

Yoga
Bollocks is that. Miner's-Lung develop will he.
Cough and splutter will he. Difficulties have and!
Words my mark. Un Wrong is he. Nasty turn will he. Yes.

Omra
Get stuffed then, you miserable green
bastard. I'll train him without your help.

Yoga
Yourself suit. But. shopping gasmask
goes he when me to crying go don't.

Omra
What?

Yoga
Ah! Scoff may you.

Omra
I'm going home.

Yoga
Church dark the by go don't. Side bleak the to way the is that.

Omra
You are a very silly little man.

Yoga
Impatient are you.

Omra
No. I just can't be bothered to partake
any further in this stupid conversation.

Yoga
Be will you! Be will you!

<beat>

Yoga
Said I: Be will you!  Hello?! Gone you where've?!

EXT - OMRA'S COTTAGE - EVENING

Omra carries a bag of chips as he walks home to his cottage.

INT - OMRA'S KITCHEN CUM DINING ROOM - CONT.

In the room, his wife - CAROL (Heather Nova), J3PO, Atoo, Jack and Paté are playing Real Money Monopoly.

Omra
Hi honey! Home I am!

Carol
Have you been talking to that strange Yoga person again.

Omra
Sorry. Yes, dear. It screws you up for a while. In the chippy...

Carol
Never mind that, your tea's ready.

Omra
What?

Carol
Your tea.

Omra
I said I'd get a bag of chips.

Carol
Oh. I see. In that case I'll just throw it away.

Omra
What is it?

Carol
Zardonian salad.

Omra
Fine by me. Sling it.

Carol picks up the plate and places her foot on Atoo's centre pod. Atoo's head flips up and she scrapes the dinner in.

Jack rolls a double six. Pate laughingly mocks.

Pate
That'll be fifteen thousand Republic Aerials please.

Jack playfully chokes her with the power of greyskull, henceforth referred to as POG.
Pate slumps to the floor. Jack pounces on her and the two roll about for a while.

Carol
Ah... look at those two young uns.

Omra
Yes. Though his persistent use of bleak technique worries me.

Carol
Yeah, but they're just messin'.

Omra
Mmm. Jack, how's your bike-pump praccy coming on.

Jack
Mmm? Not done any. Why? Should I have?

Omra
Well I did tell you to.

Jack
I washed the pots.

Carol
He did wash the pots.

Omra
Be mindful of your pot-washing.

Jack
Oh, I was.

Omra
Good.

Pate
I dried.

Omra
Did you?

Pate
Yes.

Omra
Good. Jack. I think you need to
get in a bit of Greyskullian Telekenesis.

Jack
Must I?

Omra
Yep.

Jack
I'll do some later.

Omra
Now.

Jack
I'm busy.

Omra
Now.

Jack concentrates.

Omra
Ow! That hurt! That's not funny.

Jack
I thought it was.

Pate
No. That was a bit harsh.

Jack
Who cares.

Omra
I bloody well do.

Jack
Sorry. Let me get a cloth.

Omra
Hmm.

Jack
Then I'll get some decent practice in.

Pate
Can I help?

Omra
No. You must work alone. POGing with your
girlfriend around leads to distraction, and
distraction leads to fornication, and from that
you wind up experimenting with bike-pumps.

 Carol
I still bear the scars.

Omra
Yes.

Jack
Okay.

Carol
And when you've done, you can have some ice-cream.

Jack
Yippee!!

Omra winces.

   INT - DARK WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Darth Unpleasant (Guy Siner) is the only one there, but talks as if there is an audience.

Darth
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you...
<he tugs on a big black sheet>
The Sithomatic Cloning Machine.

The sheet slips away to reveal a shower cubicle. Various sheep sit inside it. They baa.

 ...

   EXT - TACKY '50s DINER - NIGHT

In the carpark, Rick Ole and Jam-Jar are hopping about outside their rented space-ship.
Jam-Jar carries a light hat-stand, a cunning new weapon.

 Rick
Yo, funky Jam dude, lets go cruise in your pa's new ship.

Viewers should note that Rick wears a leather jacket, white t-shirt and jeans, and bears upon his head a brylcreamed goose's arse of hair.

The ship of which he speaks is a Ford T-Wing. It's all chrome and curves.
The bits that aren't chromed are pink.

The two of them get in.

Jam-Jar
Yo, skin-sole dude. Wowsa bout we slam on sum Max Romeo!

Rick
Cool! But we gotta get some rock 'n' roll
before we reach the diner at Tetsoowt.

Jam-Jar
Sure-ding, bro. Buts I wanna dig dem celtic
bag-pipes den we ged down de levvy an sandown.

 Rick
Whatever you do, man! I'm cool...

The reggae starts up as the ship speeds off into hyperspace.

EXT - CROISSANT - NIGHT

Long shot over the Republic's capital of Croissant. The city is full of sheep. They go baa.

INT - MYSTERIOUS GALLERY - NIGHT

In a gallery high up above the city, amongst several thousand sheep of varying different breeds stands a jostled looking Yoga.

He nervously talks  into a mobile-phone.

Yoga
Problem a got we've. Omra?!

INT - OMRA'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Shot of Omra on the phone.

Omra
Erm... Oh, you've got a problem. Yes, what?

Yoga
(vo)
Sheep with over-run is city the!

In the background, Jack is chasing after Pate with a bike-pump.

Omra
The city is run over?
<to Pate and Jack>
Would you two stop making so much fucking
noise?!! I'm on the phone!!! Sorry, Yoga... Run
over with... Oh! Over-run. Don't do hyphons eh?

Jack chases Pate outside.

Cut to:

EXT - OMRA'S COTTAGE - NIGHT

Darth Unpleasant stands by a wall.
Jack nearly runs into him.
Darth stops him.
Jack looks up.

Darth
Hello, little boy. Would you like a sweety?

He offers Jack a sweety from a bag.

Jack quickly takes a sweety and puts it in his mouth.

Pate
Orrr! I'm getting you done!

Jack
Shut up. I AM twenty-two.

Darth
Would you like to see some puppies?

Jack
What, real ones?

Darth
Yes. Real ones.

Jack
Wow!

Darth
Is that a yes?

Pate
Jack, you know what Auntie Carol said
about going to see a stranger's puppies.

Jack
Yes. Show me your puppies.

Darth invites Jack into the passenger seat of his Vauxhall Speeder.
It speeds off into the distance, flying just above sheep level.
The baaing is drowned out by the engines.
Pate looks on, clutching her dolly. She runs into the house.

INT - OMRA'S COTTAGE - CONT.

Omra puts the phone down.

Omra
I'm sorry, Carol, I'm wanted at the office. Yoga says the
     place is crawling with sheep. It seems I have to help the council.

He puts on a cloak and reaches for his crook.

Carol
Don't forget Zed.

Omra whistles, and an insane Welsh Border Collie appears, bounces a lot, and follows Omra past Pate and through the front door.

CU of Pate's shocked face.
CU of Carol's concerned face.
Wide angle as the two of them, and the two droids stand side by side facing forwards.

EXT - CENTRAL HALL - NIGHT

Establish. Many sheep.

INT - CENTRAL HALL - NIGHT
Omra enters a large pillared foyer filled with sheep. The sheep look slightly worried as Omra's dog, Zed enters behind him. Jemimah (Janet Ellis) from Ep1 approaches.

Omra
I'm looking for Yoga.

Jemimah
He's through there.

She points to the bathroom.

Omra
Thankyou.

INT - BATHROOM - CONT.

The bathroom has only one or two sheep in, and Omra has to struggle with the door to prevent the rest from bulging through.

Yoga is in the bath playing with a rubber duck.

Yoga
Quack quack quack...

Omra coughs. Yoga looks up, a slightly surprised expression on his face.

 Yoga
Omra, Ah. There you see not did I. Seat a take.

Omra sits upon the toilet.

Yoga
Plans big have we. Trouble in are we.

At which point the door falls open and several feet of writhing wool tumble in, followed by Carol. Carol holds some sandwiches in her hand.

Carol
You forgot these.

She seems somewhat embarrassed.

Yoga
Hem-a. Omra. Cloned be to are you.

Omra
What?

The rubber duck swims forward.

Duck (fx; voice of Robert Wyatt)
Excuse me. Allow me to expain for the sake of general sanity.

Yoga
Way own you have.

Duck
Thankyou. Now, the nasty Darth Unpleasant has developed a cloning
 technique. We believe he plans to create an army of evil Zen Flamenco dancers.

Omra
I was once being trained as a Zen Flamenco dancer.
The Zen  Flamenco dancers are the most honorable and
solid latinate rhythm -wielding people the universe contains.

Yoga
Yes. Bad be would dancer Flamenco Zen evil one.

Duck
An army of them would be catastrophic.

Omra
But why do you need to clone me.

Duck
The Greyskullian institute is short of members,
you know that. In fact, there's only us and Key Adi Mundi
left, and what with his cookery programme and all...

Omra
Go on...

 Duck
To be frank, we need to clone you so that one of you can round up
the sheep while the other can protect the Zen Flamenco dancers.

Omra
Surely they can protect themselves.

Duck
They can indeed, but their loyalties are
far from clear... If they could be persuaded...

Omra
I understand.

Yoga
Cloned be to ready you are?

Omra
Yes.

Duck
Then step into the shower cubicle.

Omra kisses Carol and then steps into the cubicle.

Carol
I love you.

Omra
Sorry? What did you...?

At which point the showercurtain closes and a huge hissing noise is heard.

Yoga, in a towel, opens the curtain. In the cubicle stands Omra in a block of ice. His hands claw out of the surface.

Yoga
Settings shower the with around messing been who's?

He presses a button, the ice melts, and Omra continues his Nietzche impersonation.
Yoga then closes the curtain, another whoosh, opens it again to reveal two Omras.

Omra
Wow.

OmraClone
Hello.

EXT - DONCASTER - NIGHT

Establish cityscape.
Centre on a police station.

INT - POLICE STATION - NIGHT

Inside, amongst some sheep the head of Commisioner Gordon  (Greg May) lies on a silver platter, garnished with salad.

This is normal. He addresses his beautiful daughter, played by Judi Dench.

Gordon
It's no good. I can't understand it. Twelve robberies, each time
all that were stolen were calculators, and every scene, the only
clue was a poker hand instruction card. I've tried everything.

Judi
There IS one more possibility....

 Gordon
What...?

Judi
This town has a super-hero.

Gordon
Of course, Con-man! He may be a crap
super-hero, but at least he gets the job done. Call him.

Judi walks towards the camera where, in the foreground is a normal late-seventies trim-phone, and a big red glowing phone with no buttons.
Judi picks up the trim-phone, and dials a number.
The screen wipes diagonally from bottom right to top left revealing:

INT - THE EDITING SUITE - NIGHT

Con-man (Bill Oddie), in tights and y-fronts, and hero-cape, puts down the trim-phone at his end. His end is a video-editing suite. There are several Kodak camera films in a huge pile by his desk.
He heads in that direction and tweaks the beard of a bust of Lenin.
The nose then extends and Con-man twists it around causing a copy of the Communist Manifesto to pop a few inches out of a bookcase.
Con-man pulls on the book and the bookcase rotates 180 degrees such that the books are now upside down.
In the place where Marx's book was is now Chairman Mao's little red book which Con-man presses.
The rug slides across the carpet revealing a wooden trap-door.
Con-man then bends down and opens the door, before walking down the revealed stairs to the cellar.

 INT - CELLAR - CONT.

In the cellar is a little Vauxhall Nova. It is red.
Con-man opens the garage doors and then drives out into the road.

EXT - ROAD - NIGHT

As Con-man's car speeds away, it passes Rick and Jam-Jar's speeder.
The speeder drives at great speed before spluttering to a stop in a:

EXT - DARK COUNTRY LANE - NIGHT

It is raining heavily and lightening. Some sheep mill about.
Jam-Jar gets out and looks at the smoking engine.

Jam
Da shit!

Rick shades his eyes from the rain and looks across the landscape.
The sillhoette of a scary castle is just visible upon the dark sky, a village beneath it..

Thunder.

 \                 \                 \                 \
  \                  \                 \                 \
                      /                 /                 /
                     \                /\                /\                 Lightening strikes.
                                     /  \              / /\
                                                         /  \
                                                            /

It hits a tree. The tree burns. A branch cracks off and the burning timber crushes the speeder. The two characters rush off to the village.

Another flash of lightening illuminates a sign which points in the direction they are heading.
The sign reads 'Certain Death'.

   Wipe to:

EXT - DRIFFIELD PASSENGER SPEEDER STATION - NIGHT

Omra, Carol and J3PO board a bus-speeder which has 403 Birmingham written on the front.

Carol
Why are we going to Birmingham?

Omra
It is where the Zen Flamenco dancers stand vigil,
guarding day and night the powerful crystal of Enderon.

INT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

J3PO
What's that then?

Omra
The crystal of Enderon is a powerful crystal
that is rich in the power of Greyskull.

Carol
And why's it in Birmingham?

Omra
Birmingham is the perfect place to hide the crystal.
Nobody dare go there. Even the most evil forces of the
universe quiver at the thought of the bull-ring and the rotunda.

J3PO
Wherein lies the crystal.

EXT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

The bus starts up.

EXT - CERTAIN DEATH - NIGHT

Meanwhile, Rick and Jam-Jar find themselves at the base of the castle, within the small little village. There are one or two sheep in the vacinity.

Rick
What are we going to do?

Jam
Mesa thinkin we ged ouda dis rain.

Rick
Cool thinkin. Hey, look! A cinema.

Jam and Rick go in.

INT - CINEMA - CONT.

The film is Jazz Bears from Sector Seven.
They sit down, butter some breadcakes and eat them with cheese whilst the film plays.
Suddenly, there is a loud bang.
Shot of:

EXT - CINEMA - NIGHT

Village struck by lightening.

INT - CINEMA - CONT.

Sparks inside theatre.
Sound goes off, but film continues running. The Jazz Bears dance and mime an unheard song.
The auditorium empties on account of the lack of audio.

EXT - CERTAIN DEATH - NIGHT

The two characters move to a pub next door.

INT - TAVERN - NIGHT

The pub is in darkness. As they enter, the strains of accordian music cut out and all talking ceases.
The only movement is the flickering of the candle flames.
Rick goes to the bar.

Rick
A pint of Sunwobbler please, landlord.

The landlord (Fred Harris) pulls a pint.
Jam over-animatedly looks around the room.
Several bearded locals (all of whom are male) clutch beer-steins full of foaming cider and glare in the direction of the strangers.

Jam
(to landlord)
Wad is dis pleece?

Landlord
This be the Merry Coggler. Will you be 'avin' a drink azell, zir?

Jam
Um... A rum, ple.

The landlord groans and pours the shots.
There is changing of money and much grunting from the landlord.
As they take their drinks, one of the regulars propping up the bar taps Jam on the shoulder.
Jam turns his head to face the tapper, and his animated dreads follow behind.

Regular1(Gareth Bowley) grunts something unintelligable in an alcoholic stupour. Jam looks confused.

Regular2 (Eddie Izzard)
He don't like you.

Jam
Mesa sorry.

Regular2
I don't like you either.

Regular2 lifts a bike-pump from by his side, but before he can ignite it he is shot dead by Rick.
Rick stands holding a smoking gun to his chest.

The accordian begins to play and the customers return to their drink and conversation.

Jam
(whispering)
Waz widda shoota, Rick?!

Rick
I am not Rick Ole.

Jam
Ya jigglin mesa.

Rick
I am Leon, the assasin.

Jam
Wah?!

Leon
I am here to kill Darth Unpleasant.

Jam
Whodee?

Leon
He lives up in the castle.

Jam
Ooh...

The pub goes silent again.
A local (Brian Cant) taps Leon's shoulder.

Local
Did I just 'ear that you be plannin' to go up to that castle?

Leon
That's right, yes.

Local
You aren't from these parts are you?

Leon
No.

Local
I can tell.

Leon
Really.

Local
You don't wanna be goin' up to that castle.

Leon
Whyever not?

Local
There be nasty things up there in that castle.

Leon
Yes. And I plan to kill them.

Local
Then I wish you good luck. But
no luck I can wish you will be enough.

Jam
Escooz me.

Local
What?

Jam
Wha dis village nemd?

Local
This village be called Certain Death, on account o' the
fact that no cartographer 'as ever returned to the OS alive.
Always insist on goin' up to that there castle see. Damn
fools. And you'll be next, mark my words. Cartons of milk
twelve foot high in the corner shop these days so's to fit on
the missing persons. Townies, all of 'em. Outsiders.

Rick
Quite.

Local
Does nothing for the tourist trade. I own a caravan site. Nobody
comes. Certain Death. What type of name is that for a village? Pah.

He drinks his cider.

Rick
Come on, Jam-Jar...

They leave.

Meanwhile:

EXT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

INT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

The three sit on the back seat as a drunken woman (Carol Vorderman) staggers up the aisle and goes to the toilet.
Every time the door opes there is a bad smell.
She is having difficulties with the door. She eventually gets in.
Omra is sleeping on Carol's knee. She prods him.

Carol
You snore like a god.

Omra snuffles and stirs.
Suddenly, the fire alarm goes off.
The woman appears from the toilet, fag in hand, and proceeds to waft with the toilet door.

EXT - DRIFFIELD COUNCIL BUILDINGS - NIGHT

INT - CONFRENCE ROOM - NIGHT

Hay-Bails (Kevin Spacey) paces around the confrence room as the last of the sheep are rounded up by Zed and the Cloned Omra.
There is a lot of sheep-shit on the expensive red carpetting.

Behind Hay-Bails is a great window. At the outside of the glazing shoots past, in the vertical, a rope.
The line pulls taught, and Con-man begins to walk up the window.
As he begins to dissapear out of the frame of the window, Hay-Bails notices, is somewhat surprised, and moves over to peer up.

INT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

Shots of passing scenery as the three passengers of importance play cards on the bus.
There is a struggle in the adjacent toilet as a strange man (extra) emerges and goes to his seat.

Omra
Fourtyseven minutes.

Carol
What?

Omra
That's how long he was in there.

The drunken woman staggers up the aisle again.

Woman
I set off the alarm lasht time dinint I...

Omra
Yes.

Woman
Silly me. (hic). Fancy 'em putting alarm in the toilets.

She struggles to open door. Omra helps her. She studies the toilet.
Everyone else hold their noses except J3PO who doesn't have a nose.

Woman
You can't see it you know.

Omra
No.

Woman
Hmm.

She steps in and closes the door.
The three of them look at each other and continue with their cards.
The alarm sounds again.
The woman emerges.

Woman
Whoops.

Carol
Still there, is it?

Woman
Must be.

She walks back down the bus.

Omra
I can't stand it any longer. Let's sit up there.

They move up the bus.
J3PO sits at the other side of the aisle.
The bus continues for a while then stops.
A small asian boy (extra) gets on and sits next to J3PO.
An old woman (Anna Ford) sits in front of Omra and Carol, and to the window seat by her is an extra.
The seat in front of J3PO is occupied by extras, and in front of that is a seat on which sits the small boy's mother (Madhur Jaffrey) and his little brother (extra).
Opposite them sit two further old women (Glenda Jackson and Helen Atkinson-Wood).
All the characters here were there before the bus stopped with the exception of the boy and his family.
The bus starts up again.

Back to Leon and Jam-Jar...

EXT - THE CASTLE GATES - NIGHT
Jam-Jar is a little knackered having climed up a steep hill.
He collapses in a cartoon manner, as Leon goes to knock on the huge Gothic wooden door of the castle, but before he can make contact, the door swings open.
He drags Jam up and they enter a barbican, at the other end of which is a  portcullis.
By the gate is a doorbell. Leon presses it. It makes no noise. Leon releases it. It makes a small, pathetic, mid-pitched thunk.
There are distant footsteps.
Igor (Geoff Drewitt) approaches.

Igor
Yes?

Leon
We have come to see Darth Unpleasant.

Igor
This way.

He winds up the portcullis and the two visitors enter, Jam shiverring visably.

EXT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - NIGHT

INT - THE SAME

Back on the bus, the small child looks unwell.
The two old women on the same seat as each other are chatting.

Old Woman 1 (Glenda Jackson)
Yes, I think it's like that isn't it.

Old Woman 2 (Helen Atkinson-Wood)
Ooh, I don't know. I thought it was a little more blue.

Old Woman 1
More blue, oh yes of course, but like that. Just like that.

Old Woman 2
Yes, I see what you mean.

Old Woman 1
Only completely different.

Old Woman 2
Completely different, yes. Like that Terry Wogan.

Old Woman 1
Yes... Oh I do like that Terry Wogan. He's got such lovely skin.

Old Woman 2
Not like Noel Edmonds.

Old Woman 1
No. Well, they're having him put down, aren't they...

Old Woman 2
Are they really?

Old Woman 1
Oh yes. It was on that Teletext thingummy.

Old Woman 2
Oh. I can't use that me...

This is all seen from the point of view of our three main characters.
The conversation is going on in the background. It is not central to the action, and we never see the old womens' faces.

Small Boy
(to mother)
Maaam...

Old Woman 1
Well no, I don't, but it was my Frank...

Mother ignores him.

Old Woman 2
Your Frank, oh yes. How is he these days?

Old Woman 1
You know... still got that thingy.

Small Boy
Maaam...

Old Woman 2
That remote control thingy for the teletext?

Old Woman 1
Yes, that's right...

Mother
Ak addak latta na fadu ka.

Old Woman 1
Anyway, they're having him put down or something...

Old Woman 2
Who, Frank?

Old Woman 1
No. Noel Edmonds...

Small Boy
Maaaaam....

Old Woman 2
Ooh, Can they do that sort of thing nowadays?

Old Woman 1
Apparently. If eighty percent of the people think they should.

Small Boy
Maaaaaaaaaaaaaam....

Mother
Ak adadak latta nuda kaduk!

Old Woman 2
Oh. And did they?

Mother thrusts a plastic bag in the child's direction. The little brother crawls over her head and on her shopping.

Old Woman 1
Apparently.

Old Woman 2
How do they do that then?

Old Woman 3, who sits in front of Omra turns to the child.

Old Woman 3 (Anna Ford)
I feel like that too.

Old Woman 1
They had a phone poll or something.

Old Woman 3
Would you like a boiled sweety?

Old Woman 2
Oh, I see... And is that enough?




Old Woman 3 passes the kid a sweet.
 
 

Old Woman 1
Eighty percent or something, that's what they got.

The kid unwraps the sweet apprehensively.
 
 

Old Woman 3
That's it. You suck on that.

Old Woman 2
Who?

Old Woman 1
The people who did the poll.

Old Woman 2
Oh, I see.

The kid sucks for a while.

Old Woman 2
So when are they putting him down?

Old Woman 1
I don't know.

Old Woman 2
Will it be on telly?

Old Woman 1
On radio I'd imagine, like political things and stuff.

Old Woman 2
No, that's on telly too nowadays. Instead
of Bazaar with that nice Nerys Hughes.

Old Woman 1
Ooh she has lovely eyes.

Old Woman 2
Yes.

Old Woman 1
Oh well, it might be on telly then...
That's how the Americans do it.

Old Woman 2
Really?

Old Woman 1
That's what happened to Perry Como.

Small Boy
Maaam...

Old Woman 2
No. Perry Como's still alive.

Old Woman 1
He's not, you know. He died. They showed it on telly.

Old Woman 2
No. He did that concert just the other week.

Old Woman 1
That was Roger Whittaker.

Small Boy
Maaaaaaam...

Old Woman 1
Perry Como was gassed in his own living room.

Mother
Ak adi ut matajar. Nakada!

Old Woman 1
That Noel Edmonds did it.

Small Boy
(Mumbling)
Toilet?

Old Woman 1
Lovely living room it was...

Old Woman 2
Was it?

Old Woman 1
Lime greens.

Mother
Nadak noggan tik tala aduk!

Old Woman 2
Ooh.

Old Woman 1
And this nice oak cabinet.

Old Woman 2
Lovely.

The child is forced to throw up in the plastic bag.

Old Woman 1
This lovely green formica sideboard, just like Margaret's.

Old Woman 2
I prefered that yellow thing she had.

The child continues vomiting.

Old Woman 1
No. That was nasty.

J3PO pushes as close to the window as possible.

Old Woman 1
Anyway, I think it's Thursday.

Old Woman 2
What?

Old Woman 1
When they kill him.

Old Woman 2
Terry Wogan?

Old Woman 1
No. Noel Edmonds.

Wretching reaches new heights.

Old Woman 2
I'm going to say, because Terry Wogan's got such
nice skin. It'd be a shame if they had to spoil that.

Old Woman 1
Yes. They'll probably pickle it when
he dies. Just like that Jeremy Bowen.

Old Woman 2
Oh I like him. He does that darts thing.

The bag is half full.

Old Woman 1
No, JEREMY Bowen. He reads the news.

Old Woman 2
And did he die.

Old Woman 1
Yes. He died of cancer this week.

Old Woman 2
Tut. And they pickled him.

Old Woman 1
Yeah. They've got him in a jar, sat in the foyer at the BBC.

Old Woman 2 tuts some more.
The child's vomit is transparent red, and has a goldfish in it.

Wipe...

INT - GOTHIC ROOM - NIGHT

Igor leads Jam and Leon into a gothic room complete with suits of Mandalorian armour, and portaits where the eyes move.
Daphne, Shaggy and Scooby Doo might walk in at any minute, but they wont.

Igor
Doctor Unpleasant will be with you in a moment.

He leaves.
Jam makes himself comfy on a big red sofa. Leon paces around, assembling a gun from the silver studdy bits of his leather jacket.

 Jam
Dis is kool!

Leon
I'm unconvinced.

There is a distant knock on the door.
 Leon prods the eyes of one of the paintings. There is a faint scream.

Leon
Hmm.

Suits of armour slowly turn their heads to follow him. Leon turns back quickly and the heads snap back in place.
Igor enters. Behind him is the Omra Clone.

Igor
Wait here, if you please.

The clone sits on a big chair, his dog by his side.

Jam
Mesa say hi!

OmraC.
Hello.

Leon
Why are you here?

OmraC.
I am rounding up sheep. There are some
here. I must round them up. Who are you?

Leon
I am Leon.

OmraC.
Where's Rick?

Jam
Dat was a disguise! Leon's actually here to kill Darth Unpleasant.

At which point the walls begin to shake, and move in on the three of them, compacting chamber style.

Jam
Oops. Mesa thinking we people are gonna die...

Leon
Shut up. There's always a way out of a compacting chamber.

He tries the door to the room but it is locked. He tries various other ideas, all of which are fruitless.

Leon
Maybe not.

OmraC. jumps to his feet, extends his bicycle pump, and through sheer POG effort, is able to blow the walls back into place.
Then, with newly bought time, he kicks the door in.

INT - CASTLE LOBBY - CONT.

The three of them step into the lobby.

Jam
Phew.

But the lobby begins to flood.

Jam
Uh-oh.

OmraC.
Quick! This way!

He points to a conveniently placed water-slide thingy like what you get at exciting swimming baths.
Tracking shot of the water-slide tube, supposedly following the three of them.
The tube leaves the room through the wall, and we follow it spiralling down the inside of a turret, then out of the turret into the stormy night, spiralling and twisting along the side of the wall, before re-entering and passing over a children's swimming pool, then through the far wall and across a shopping mall, down through WH Smiths, where the Poker (Dave Allen - library fx), a pervy old bloke, can be seen glaring at the stationary, then out into the Ghobi desert where Rod (Peter Davison) walks across the set, then the tube digs into the earth, and into a lava filled cavern.
The three of them, and the dog pop out on a rock within a sea of lava.

INT - CAVERN

Across the cavern, in a huge gothic throne, sits Darth Unpleasant. He is feeding raw meat to a crowd of gargoyles gathered around his feet.
He strokes their heads. They turn and look in the direction of Jam, Leon and the clone, then fly off into the darkness.

Darth
Hello.

Leon
I have come to kill you.

Jam lurches violently and falls to the floor in a faint.

  Darth
Then I hope you are prepared to die in the attempt.

Jam
Oh boy.

Wipe.

EXT - 403 TO BIRMINGHAM - DAWN

The bus flies through spaghetti junction before enterring:

INT - DIGBETH SPACE-PORT - CONT.

The three get off. Omra and J3PO are filled with terror.
NOTE: All scenes in Birmingham are in Black and White.

The space port is filled with several thousand Jews and Romanies milling together. They seem terrified. There is a definite cattle-market feel.
Several scores of people are forced onto the back of a truck by scary leather-clad National Express operatives. There are many people crying.
There is an overwhelming sense of doom and desperation. There is little space.
In the background, beyond the inapproachable vending machines, a girl in a RED coat (Special FX) runs about, trying to get away.
The three main characters pass through this terrible scene. And into:

EXT - THE STREETS OF BIRMINGHAM - MORNING

All three of them wear Greyskullian breather masks, and a general frown of painful displeasure.
Birmingham must look on film worse than hell itself, as can be contrasted with the intercuts from the other story-line.
It is difficult to describe the pure evil of Birmingham in the confines of text. I will therefore be forced to merely hint at its disgustingness.
The three walk towards the bull-ring, being nearly killed at every road crossing.

Back then to:

INT - CAVERN

Leon leaps forward to another rock, and cocks his massive gun. He aims at the chest of Darth.
Darth whips the gun from Leon's hand with POG.
OmraC. leaps up, igniting his bike-pump. Darth stands also, but does nothing else.
Omra skips forward, but suddenly, from high above, drops Jack, dressed in black, and brandishing a glowing electric bike pump of the latest technology (like the ones in previous episodes).

OmraC.
Jack?

Darth
He is no longer Jack. Now he is Siddor.

Siddor
Come to the bleak side, Omra. It's nice here.

OmraC.
Nice?

Siddor
You get paid better, and there's a lovely
canteen. And you get one of these aswell.

He waves the pump.

OmraC.
It looks a little dangerous if you ask me.

Siddor
No. It isn't.

OmraC.
Then why do you only have three fingers?

Siddor
I had... an accident.

OmraC.
I will never join the bleak side.

Siddor
Please yourself. I was kind of banking on a good scrap anyway.

He slices the end off Omra's bike pump.
Omra leaps back.
Jam-Jar has stood up, and appears to be talking to thin air.
We see, from Zed's POV:

Al (Dean Stockwell)
(where the thin air is)
Well according to Ziggy, you're in a kind of cavern thing below
this big scary castle. That scary guy there is Darth Unpleasant.
He'll die soon, he gets killed by that guy there, Leon... um..
(he hits his hand-link which squeaks)

Sam (Scott Bakula)
(in Jam's clothes)
Al, you've got to get me out of here.

Al
Yeah...yeah, Ziggy's working on that one. Right. Now that guy there,
with the mask on, he's Siddor. He's been turned to the bleak side
by Darth Unpleasant. He goes on to be pretty big as villains go.

Sam
But he's only a kid.

Al
Yeah, at the moment... The guy he's fighting is Omra.
He's one of your pals, he goes on to kill himself.

Sam
What? Suicide?

Al
No. He kills an identical copy of himself. He's a clone...

Sam
Oh. So what am I here for?

Al
I don't know...um... I'll try to get back to you later.
Gotta meet a girl in the Kachoola bar.

A brilliant white door zzjooms up and Al walks through it.

Sam
Al!?!

The door dissappears.

Wipe to:

EXT - BIRMINGHAM - DAY

The three of them are walking through the bull-ring towards the rotunda. The weather is bleak.
Suddenly, from the darkness, three Zen Flamenco Dancer Guards approach, clad in the Zen Flamenco dresses of the period: Black with orange and gold frilly bits (all filmed in b&w).

Omra
Zen Flamenco guards. Do not be deceived by their garb.
Zen Flamencoists can be dangerous if provoked.

The middle guard (Anna Ford) approaches. She wears glasses and has dark hair. Her guitar is slung behind her back.

Zen1
Who goes there!?

Omra
It is I, Omra Dagar DiTetsoowt of the
Greyskull Consolate. We ask for your help.

 Zen2 (Germaine Greer) has shortish blonde hair and glasses.

 Zen2
Why do you require our assistance?

Omra
We wish to protect the Universe from
the evil schemes of Darth Unpleasant.

Cut back to:

INT - CAVERN

Darth Unpleasant laughing maniacally as Siddor chases OmraC. around the stepping stones in the lava.
Jam tries his best to keep out of the way, and Zed follows him.
OmraC. clambours up a pot hole, closely persued by Siddor. Leon follows too.
Jam and Zed are the only two left in the throne room. They huddle in a dark corner.

Darth
Come out of the shadows little one.

The two of them are suddenly catapulted to the side of Darth's throne.

Meanwhile:

INT - SUB-CHAMBER

OmraC.  has snapped off a stalagtite which he is using to fend off the blows of Siddor.
But with every blow the stalagtite gets shorter.
In the background, Leon edges as far away as possible, and spies a shower-cubicle in-which he then hides.
The stalagtite is cut too short and is discarded.

Back to:

EXT - THE ROTUNDA, BIRMINGHAM - DAY

Zen3 (Jilly Cooper), who carries a horse-whip, steps foreward.

Zen3
You may not pass.

Omra
What?! Why not?!

Zen2
We will not assist you.

Omra
That's it. I want to speak to your Lama.

He steps forward, and Zen1 produces what appears to be a bike-pump.
It extends forewards and then eight spokes of light rise from the central column to stick out from the hub.
Zen1 brandishes the light-umbrella.
Omra extends his bike-pump.
Carol and J3PO look at each other.
Zen1 charges, rotating the umbrella in many and various directions.
Omra leaps over her... a maniacal grin can be seen across his face.

Omra
I'm... going... to kill... you all.

Carol looks on, a little worried.

J3PO
I think master Omra is unwell.

Omra produces a thermal detonator from his utility belt, and tosses it nonchelantly over his head.
Carol and J3PO run as far away as they can and dive, Omra leaps up out of shot, and the bomb goes off.
The rotunda explodes into a million tiny fragments.
The explosion subsides. Omra lands gently on the wreckage.
He grins, evilly.

J3PO
Maam, I believe your husband has gone insane.
I fear that Birmingham may have addled his
brain slightly. I think the place has got to him.

Carol
You mean...?

J3PO
Yes... he's turned to the bleak side...

Carol
N...

The 'ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!' of the above dialogue is carried over a long shot of the scene showing the
effectiveness of the blast. At the centre, Omra chuckles, before heading down some steps towards the Crystal of Enderon chamber.

INT - SUB-CAVERN

The battle in the sub-cavern continues...
OmraC. leaps up, kicking Siddor's mask. But he misjudges his jump, and falls against the shower cabinet. There is a whine from some machinery.
OmraC. dusts himself off, and dives back down the hole to the main throne room. Siddor follows. Then the whole room is filled with a flash of light.
The light dies away, and the room is filled totally with Leon clones.

INT - MAIN CAVERN

OmraC. slides into the throne room, and leaps over the lava to the throne itself, taking Darth by surprise.
In the commotion, Jam and Zed crawl to another hole and clambour up it.
OmraC. stands before Darth and is about to give him a damn good kicking.
Siddor rises from behind.

Meanwhile:

INT - THE CRYSTAL CHAMBER

The original Omra enters the crystal chamber. At the centre, the crystal of Enderon glows a beautiful blue.
Around it, Fifteen Zen Flamenco Dancers (extras) stand in wait, in a half-circle. Each rides a STAP emblazoned with green neon.
Suddenly there is a flash, and From directly opposite Omra appears a bounty-hunter: BabySham (Guy Pearce).

 BabyS.
I have come for the lives of the Zen Flamenco dancers.

Omra
Be my guest.

BabyS. instantly shoots them all, and leaves by the stairs Omra used.
Omra grabs the crystal and leaves..

INT - CAVERN

Siddor is about to lay waste to OmraC. who is about to attempt to kick Darth's teeth in when suddenly the whole place overflows with Leon clones.
The Leon level rises, OmraC. finds a pot hole up which he might escape, and goes up it.
Siddor too finds an exit.
The scene ends with Darth Unpleasant being crushed by the Leons. It is messy.

EXT - BIRMINGHAM - DAY

Shot of Omra walking out of Birmingham, tossing the crystal about in his hands, and grinning unpleasantly.
Birmingham in distance.
Omra puts on a pair of eclipse-viewing glasses.
Suddenly everything is engulfed in a brilliant white flash, and colour returns to this footage as a beautiful greenish mushroom cloud rises from the ashes of the city beyond.
Omra walks past the camera, grinning.
Shot of mushroom-cloud dispersing...

to Episode 5 Part 2

to Episode Index