EPISODE FIVE:
PART TWO:

STARSCAPE
Old Omra (Matthew Perry)  provides a voice over:

Following the destruction of Birmingham, a new galactic empire
has been able to rise to power. Under the corrupt guidance of the
recently elected Emperor Palantine, a new Birmingham, twice the size and
thirteen times the nastiness is being constructed. The emperor's protege,
Siddor, makes preparations for his master's forthcoming diplomatic visit.

Tilt down...

EXT - BUILDING SITE - MORNING

Hazy misty morning. A half reconstructed Birmingham.
Focus in on Siddor (Frank Skinner), who paces along a gantry. Above him, a banner reads "Welcome to Birmingham, Emperor Palantine".
There are many balloons, and a big table is laid out. Siddor straightens out the tablecloth before tasting a little of the large bowl of trifle.

Old Omra:
 Meanwhile, in a large room overlooking a reactor shaft, for some reason we
don't have sufficient time to explain, Omra is pitched in a duel with his clone.

INT - REACTOR SHAFT THING - WHENEVER

Another gantry. Suspended precariously over a big reactor shaft.
Omra has a green bike-pump. Clone has a blue one.
The fight scene is gripping.
The sparks fly all over the place.
Tilt down the shaft.
At a further area down below, Shotgun (Neil Pearson), a gumshoe, sits in an shady corner.
It is raining down here. A lilting sax plays.

Shotgun
(voiceover)
Commisioner Gordon had called me into his office.
Said he wanted me to track down some guy called
 the Poker. I told him I'd do it. That was before
I'd met the Poker's stunningly attractive wife...

Mix to:

EXT - POSH BACK GARDEN THING - DAY

The Poker reading a paper by a pool and GiGi (Meryl Streep) swimming.
She steps out, dripping with water. Shotgun holds a towel, which she steps into.

Shotgun
(vo)
It was no good...

Shotgun produces a sawn-off shotgun and shoots the Poker dead.

Shotgun
(vo)
He had to die. He was the bad guy, I was the good guy. I got the girl...

Mix to:

INT - REACTOR SHAFT

Shotgun and GiGi on the gantry over this reactor shaft. GiGi pulls away, draws a gun and shoots.

Shotgun
(vo)
...the girl got me.

Shotgun falls off the shaft.
Mix back to initial scene within the shaft - Shotgun clutching a gunshot wound in his side.
A small urchin child (Jake Lloyd) appears from the opposite shadows.

Child
Are you alright, mista?

Shotgun
Ha. Why hello, little guy... Didn't see you there.

Child
Are you shot?

Shotgun
Just a flesh-wound. I'll be alright.

Child looks on.

Shotgun
What are you doing here?

Child
Ain't got no where to go.

Shotgun
Where's your folks?

Child
Daddy got shot. Mummy never cared.

Shotgun
Come here, kid... What's your name.

Child
Stanley.

Shotgun
Well, Stanley... it's gonna be fine.

Stan Roberts (Fred Ward)
(vo)
Then that kind old man died. I must have used
      up all my tears in that one moment.

Violin music rises to a climax.
And cuts out as we cut to:

INT - TINY OFFICE

Stan tied up in a chair in a tiny room, desk-lamp shining in his eyes.

Stan
I've told you all I remember.

Reverse angle: Mick Aston from Channel Four's Time Team flicks off the light and leaves the office, throwing an empty polystirene cup at a bin and missing.

INT - POLICE STYLE CORRIDOR - CONT.

In the corridor, he heads for a coffee machine and punches it. Tony Robinson heads up to him.

Tony
Well, Mick, what have we got?

Mick
Not a lot actually... We've got a couple of murders
and an annoying kid in this trench, but that's about it.

Tony
What about in trench two. I know Carenza found something there.

Mick
Well yes. Actually, what we have there is a big fight over a
reactor shaft, but there's a bit of a puzzle there, Tony.

Tony
Really?

Mick
Yes. The problem is that, we've looked at the finds
but none of  us can actually make much sense of them.

Tony
I see,
<turns to camera - Mick pretends to talk to Stewart in the background>
Well um in trench three today we had something
particularly exciting, as Sandi is about to explain.

Cut to:

EXT - A BIG HOLE - DAY

Sandi Toxfig is stood in it. A JCB is filling it with soil, up to where her neck should be.

Sandi
Well here, Phil has managed to unearth a series of
mysterious caves, but he's also found something that particularly
excites him. What have you got there Phil, show us.

Phil Harding's boots come into shot at the edge of the trench alongside Sandi's head.

Phil
It's a piece of flint.

Sandi
And this was found in the cave was it?

Phil
No. It was in my pocket. I always carry a piece of flint around
with me in my pocket. Flint's really good. I like it.

Mix to:

INT - SOME CAVES

Jam and Zed crawl through a cavern. They look very tattered.
Zed pants at Jam

Jam
What is it boy? Have you found a way out?

Zed shakes his head.

Jam
Oh boy. I'm gonna starve to death.

Zed shakes his head.
Jam looks up. In a big cavern stands a minotaur (fx). The minotaur growls.

Jam
Oh boy. Al! I'm about to be eaten!

Zed nods.
Jam gets eaten.

Tracking shot down the oesophygus. Mix to tracking shot up...

INT - REACTOR SHAFT

As we track up, one of the Omras falls past. He falls past in three parts.
The Omra that didn't fall past closes his blue bike-pump and walks off down the gantry.
Fizzle and static.
Then down the screen tracks half an advert for Bounty kitchen roll.

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - EVENING
Smaller than last episode. Not quite so warehouse big, but still rather sizable for a living room. Same decor.
Wide angle shot sees Leon, Jim, Alex and Stew sat in their living room in  front of the television. Stew turns the telly off.

Jim (Frank Skinner)
I'm confused.

Leon (Jean Reno)
Yes.

Stew (Ewan McGregor)
Well it's simple. The Omra that trained Jim was the clone.

Jim
Yeah, but what happened to the crystal of enderon?

Stew
Um...

Alex (Vincent Perez)
Hmmm...?

Leon
What's so special about that bloody crystal.

Alex
It didn't stop Omra getting slashed into three.

Stew
Ah, well... that bit's on a different tape. I'll show it you if you like...

Leon
No. Don't bother... I'd rather you just told us.

Stew
Well. Omra was walking home from the newly destroyed
Birmingham, and he was tossing the crystal in his hand.

Alex
That was how the Birmingham sequence ended.

Stew
Yeah. Well what you didn't see was that a few
tosses later he dropped it and it fell down a grate.

Leon
I see.

Stew
Yeah, so then he didn't have it, so when his clone caught up with him
and saw that he'd turned to the bleak side he had no choice but to kill him.

Alex
Oh.

Leon
So what happened to the crystal then...

Stew
Ah! Well...

Leon
I wish I'd never asked...

Stew
The crystal bobbed along in the drains until it got stuck in a drain under Omra's back garden...

Mix to:

EXT - OMRA'S BACK GARDEN

Pate is playing. She is heavily pregnant.
An open drain is suddenly clogged by some leaves and a crystal.
Pate sees the crystal and picks it up. She immediately goes into contractions.
Cut to static.

Wider shot and we see we are:

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM

Leon has pressed stop on the video.

Jim
What?! Pate's pregnant?!

Stew
Yeah. She was going out with Siddor. Give me that!
<steals back remote control>

Alex
Going out with Siddor?

Stew
Yeah... well, Jack as he was then.

Jim
So then what happened?

Leon
What did you ask that for?

Stew
<fastforwarding the tape>
Well, she gave birth to twins, and the Omra clone hid them from
Siddor so that Siddor couldn't pervert them to the bleak side,
and eventually they grew up to be... well  just watch.

Leon groans.

INT - A LARGE, BLEAK WAREHOUSE - WHENEVER

BabyS
It has been seventeen years since Omra placed you in my custody.
Now you are a trained bounty-hunter. Let us see what you can do.

Anna (Julia Carling), a seventeen year old girl, in a PVC cat suit, matching full-length jacket, and slicked back hair, carrying a mobile phone, leaps up and does a lot of gravity defying acrobatics. Lots of cartwheels are involved.

BabyS
I have taught you well.

Anna
But I don't want to be a bounty-hunter.
I want to work on the crew of a starship.

BabyS
Pah! Get out of my sight.

Stew
(vo)
And so Anna joined the crew of the
Starship Tonka. As for the other child...

Stock home-movie footage of Jim as a young child, being brought up somewhere in London by a typical sub-urban middle-class couple.

Jim
(vo)
That's me!

Stew
(vo)
Yes.

Leon
(vo)
Is it me or is this episode very disjoined.

Cut to:

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Alex
I think that's a bit of an understatement.

Jim
Are you trying to tell me that my dad is Siddor?!

Stew
Yes.

Alex
You could've broke it to him a little gentler...

Stew
Sorry.

Leon
Weren't we supposed to be on some pirate ship or something anyway?

Stew
No. That's a different storyline, set at a different point in time.

Leon
Is that forwards or backwards in time?

Stew
Who knows...

Jim
So I'm Siddor's son?!

Stew
Yes.

Alex
And is he dead now or what?

Stew
In various different dimensions he is dead... but perhaps not all...

Alex
I see.

Leon
I wish _I_ did.

Stew
And of course all the Leons moved to Glecon 7.

Leon
Well I knew that much.

Jim
I'm Siddor's son...

Alex
Get over it.

Jim
Get over it?!

Stew
Yeah...

Alex
So what I want to know was what
happened before all of this took place.

Stew
What? Before the prequels?

Alex
Yeah.

Stew
Well before all of this, there were two
super heroes... ConMan and  A/V Woman...

Leon
So that's what all that crap were about...

Stew
Yes. They would fight all crime in the universe.

Alex
So what happened to them then?

Stew
Well, they retired when Emperor Palantine took control.

Leon
Emperor who?

Stew
Darth Unpleasant.

Leon
Darth Unpleasant took control? Took control of what?

Stew
Ah well.. that's another story.

Jim
Siddor's son...

Alex
Tell us.

Stew
Well, there's not much to tell really. Darth was in power
from 1979 and eventually, after over a decade of evil
tyranny and screwing the electorate, he was voted out.

Leon
Voted out?

Stew
Yeah. Hay-Bails Organism got the job.

Leon
You mean Hay-Bails Organs.

Stew
Do I? Yeah, right, sorry. Anyway, then his daughter got
kidnapped by Siddor and we got involved pretty much then.

Leon
Hang about... why did Siddor kidnap his daughter?

Stew
Well, she knew where the crystal of Enderon was.

Leon
How come?

Stew
Well she used to play with Paté as a little girl,
and the two of them buried the crystal in a hill at
their school. Later Pate died at the hands of Siddor.

Alex
How?

Stew
Well he was trying to find the crystal and
she wouldn't tell him, and so he killed her...

Jim
My mum...

Stew
Yeah.

Leon
What happened to Darth thingymibob?

Stew
He's still knocking about somewhere. But he's losing what little
marbles he had. They put him in a home. Siddor then went into hiding.

Alex
Why?

Stew
He was about to be tried for his involvement in the rebuilding
of Birmingham. Birmingham of course was then sealed off from
the rest of the world and there was a proposal that it should be used
as a prison but the International Court for Human Rights rejected it.

Alex
And how did babysham come into it?

Stew
He was sent back in time to kill the Zen Flamenco dancers.

Alex
Who sent him?

Stew
Dunno.

Jim
I'm Siddor's... ...son...

Leon
Yeah, yeah, we've heard you.

Alex
And where did Leon come from?

Stew
Ah! Well... That is a good question...

Alex
Well?

Stew
Leon was a postman.

Leon
It's true.

Alex
I thought you were an assasin.

Leon
Ah well... I wasn't any ordinary postman...

EXT - CONISBROUGH - EARLY MORNING

Misty. Four cyclists (Guy Siner, Mark Curry, Jean Reno and William Hurt) appear from behind the horizon of a hill.
The castle is in the background. The cyclists approach the camera. They are clearly postmen.

 A caption in scary `blood-drip' text:
The Four Postmen of the Appocalypse

They cycle past us.
Empty road.

Scrollpast:
The political world is changing. The old order is slipping away.
The capitalist and communist powers of A/V Woman and ConMan
have joined forces and are working together to tackle all bad things in the world.
But they must never succeed in wiping out all evils, for without evil there
can be no balance in the universe. This is the view of Yoga, a Flamenco
dancer and part time philosopher.

Pan up the street to reveal a cafe window. Zoom in to reveal Yoga and several other Zen Flamenco dancers seated inside.

Yoga
And so I say we must take up arms agains the post office.

INT - CAFE - CONT.

Zen1
What?!

Yoga
It is the only way to maintain balance in the universe.

Zen2
Why the post office?

Yoga
By disrupting communications we can destroy society and
  only then can we cripple its two foolish superheroes.

Zen3
Oh. I see.

Suddenly, A/V Woman (Judi Dench) appears.
 
 

A/V Woman
You rebels are to be destroyed.

She produces a remote control and aims it at the assembled group, pressing one of the buttons. She presses again. The group are grimacing.
She shakes it. Then she opens the battery compartment. She rolls the batteries around.
She gets out a kit-kat from her pocket and tares the foil, wedging some of the foil into the side of the remote control. It still doesn't work.

A/V Woman
Shit!

Yoga bashes her over the head with a guitar and she slumps to the ground in a heap.

 Yoga
To the post office!

Yoga leads the flamenco dancers outside.

EXT - EMPTY STREET - CONT.

Suddenly, all is deathly quiet, but for the clicking of bicycle wheels.
The street is deserted. The door to the cafe flaps gently in the breeze, and a coke can clatters across the road.
The flamenco dancers grip their guitars as four cyclists surround them.
Darth Unpleasant is upon the bike directly before the group.
He drops his mail-bag to the floor.

Darth
We are the four postmen of the appocalypse. We will not tolerate
your hostile motivations. I am brother Unpleasant. This is brother
Castrate, this is brother Walsh and this is brother Leon.

Yoga
Attack them!

The postmen leap from their bicycles and call their bike-pumps to their hands by utilising some un-natural power. The pumps extend.
The bicycles fall to the floor.
A big fight ensues between the postmen and the flamenco dancers. The guitars are destroyed.
The dancers collapse in a heap, and the postmen are victorious.

Alex
(vo)
You've never been great at writing action scenes, have  you...

Stew
(vo)
No...

They close their bike pumps.

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Leon stops the tape.

Alex
So you were a postman of the appocalypse?!

Leon
Yes.

Alex
Wow.

Jim
Siddor's my dad...

Alex
What happened after that?

Leon
Well, A/V Woman and ConMan decided we were baddies,
and so the group was forced to disband. Yoga stole our
bike-pump technology,  worked out how we did the telekinesis
trick and started up the Greyskull Institute. Darth Unpleasant
and Darth Castrate got a scholarship there, and I decided
to become an assasin. I think Walsh still works for the post office.

Alex
So you can do the telekinesis thing then?

Leon
Not me. Never got the hang of that myself. Used to use a bit
 of cotton tied to my finger. Worked just as well...

<beat>

Jim
I'm his son.

<beat>

The door opens and in walks Caroline (Heather Nova).

Caroline
Hello!

Stew greets her.

 Stew
Well then... are we off to the pub?

Alex
Yeah.

Leon
It's about time.

Jim
Uh... yeah...

Caroline
Come on then...

Music: I Don't Like Mondays by The Boomtown Rats
Credits.

At the end of which, the music ends and is replaced with something really crap by the Light-house family.

EXT - THE RED LION PH - NIGHT

INT - MIDDLE BIT OF THE RED LION PH - NIGHT

Jim, Alex, Leon, Stew and Caroline are sat at a table drinking.
Behind them at another table, a covern of witches eat cheese in order to experience frighteningly vivid dreams.
The song on the juke-box fades out prematurely and is replaced with The Joker by the Steve Miller Band.
Bill Oddie appears from behind the bar and plugs in a microphone.
He proceeds to sing along.

Stew
I have a strange feeling of de ja vu...

Judi Dench also appears from behind the bar. She is a little drunk.
She dances to the music. She comes across to our heroes.

Judi
What are you drinking?

Leon
What?

Judi
Is that bitter?

Leon
Yes.

Judi
<to Stew>
Bitter?

Stew
Er, yeah.

Judi
What are you on, love?

Alex
Guiness.

Caroline
Oh, erm... cider.

Judi
What about Big Mouth ere?

Jim seems clearly distracted.

Jim
What... er... um... my dad...

Caroline
He's drinking cider too I think.

Judi
He's very quiet tonight. What's up?

Stew
Dunno...



Judi dissapears behind the bar.

Stew
Is she getting us a drink?!

Leon
Surely not.

Alex
She can't be.

Stew
She is. She's getting us a drink.

Alex
Whoa.

Leon
What's the occasion?

Stew
Search me.

Caroline
I think it's twenty years since they got this pub.

Stew
Yeah?

Caroline
It's just a guess.

Judi brings them all half pints of their respective drinks.

Leon
I know what it is. She's seen a gang of really drunken  football
hooligans heading this way and she's trying to get them to kill us.

Alex
She's cunning.

Bill Oddie is still singing.

Stew
I wonder what it really is.

Leon
God knows.

Jim
Siddor's my dad.

Leon
Yeah. We know.

Caroline
Tastes alright anyway.

Leon
Hang on.
<swills it round his mouth>
I'm not getting any numbness. I don't think it's poisoned.
It's the crappest bitter in the pub but I don't think it's actually toxic.

Jim
My dad.

Stew
Yeah yeah...

Jim
Siddor!

Alex
We know.

Jim
no...
<he points behind them... and then faints>

The rest look at each other and shrug.
Little do they know that directly behind them looms Siddor (Mark Curry).
He raises his arms high above them and seems about to descend upon them with monsterous force, but instead takes the microphone of Bill.

Siddor
Ladies and gentlemen! Can I have your attention please.

The group see him and freeze.

Siddor
I'd like to thank you all for coming tonight. I can't
wait to get settled in here. I'm sure you'll miss
A/V Woman and ConMan as they leave for pastures
new, albeit somewhat richer. Three cheers for them methinks.

He leads three cheers. Our heroes don't join in, or move in any way.

Siddor
I wish them all the best at their new pub in Wales. For
those of you who don't know who I am, let me introduce myself:
 I am Siddor, scourge of the universe, and from tonight I'll be
your new land-lord. All drinks on the house for the next hour!

Lots of raucous cheering.
But not from our heroes who are still frozen.
Siddor puts his head round them.

 Siddor
Alreyt, kids? Things'll be pretty fun with me around, don't you think?

He smiles a menacing smile and leaves.
Still frozen...

Fade to red.

Black final credits card:

A/V Woman Productions 1999.

Visit the AVWoman Site:
http://www.avwoman.co.uk/newsoap
 

Fade to black.

Static.

EXT - UNDER THE FLYOVER OUTSIDE GOODRICKE TERMINAL ROOM, YORK UNI - NIGHT

Camcorder quality as Karen appears, straight to camera:

Karen
Hello. Hello? Are you there? Hello?

A pause.

Static.

Fade out.

The end.

Episode 6