A New Soap

EPISODE SIX:
PART ONE:

Narrator (Anna Ford):
Our heroes have found themselves back in York.
On a visit to their favourite pub, they discover
that the new landlord is to be their arch nemesis,
Siddor, who has been revealed to be Jim's father.

EXT - ONE OF THE SNICKETS OFF SWINEGATE, YORK  - NIGHT

Caption:
York. Midnight.

Jim, Stew, Leon, Alex and Caroline pick their way through the dark snickets and alleyways. They look glum.

Stew
Do I take it that we never go there again?

Leon
It seems a lot to be missing out on.
So what if it's under new management?

Alex
This new management has tried to kill us before now.

Leon
You've tried to kill us before now...

Alex
Me?

Caroline
You can't be serious going back in there.

Jim
Think of it like this: My dad's running
my favourite pub. How good is that?!

Stew
Yes, but you've gone loopy with the stress of discovering that
your dad is a genocidal maniac who wears a gasmask for fun.

Leon
He's bound to change the decor.

Alex
Oh well, there's a few weeks before Siddor's management of the
Red Lion becomes effective. We still have some time to kill.

On saying this, Alex slopes off down Grape Lane and knifes a sillhoetted old woman (Vanessa Feltz) between the shoulder blades.

The figure crumples to the floor in a heap.

Caroline
How could you, Alex?

Alex
Ah! That was no innocent old woman...

Stew
What?

Alex
That was Elsie MacTavish, the Evil.

Leon
Who?

Alex
She ate babies in Donagall.

Jim
Still. The death penalty is an outmoded form of justice.
Violence against violence is fundamentally flawed.

Alex
She wasn't human.

Caroline
Eh?

Alex
She was a demon. A big, blood red, hideous
monster in a blue rinse and floral twinset.

Stew
Oh. Is that alright then?

Jim
Yeah. It's perfectly justified to kill demons.

Stew
Oh.

Caroline rushes over to Alex.
 
 

Caroline
My hero!

Stew
Hey! Hang on a minute!

Stew pushes over to catch up with Caroline.
Alex pulls a gun on him. He fires.
A hole is forced through the centre of Stew.
Moonlight shines through the hole.
Stew collapses to the floor.
Alex fires some more. A lot more. The corpse jerks.

Jim
What are you doing?

Alex
Jibbing him.

Leon
Sounds quite unsanitary.

Stew's body explodes beyond hope of resurrection.

Caroline
Why?!

Leon
Yes, why?

Alex
Well HE's a demon too.

Jim
No he isn't... wasn't... HE was the son
of god, much as it pains me to admit to it.

Alex
Come off it. Then why did he keep rising
from the dead every time he got killed a bit?

Jim
He was the son of god! That's what sons of god do!

Alex
Then what's this?

Alex pulls from Stew's coat pocket a bloody card.
The others examine it. Jim reads aloud:

Jim
Stew Jester - Demon; 1st Class.

Leon
Well that raises some fundamental ecumenical issues.

Alex flicks through Stew's wallet:

Alex
Membership of the Devils' Guild; Order
of sprites and goblins; Ye Olde Daemones Clubbe...

Jim
I think this is quite conclusive.

Caroline
But I was carrying his child!

Leon
Demonic spawn...

Alex
Well come here... let me knife it.

Caroline
No! Wait! Stop!

Alex
Oh...!

Jim
We must consider this logically. The child is part human.

Leon
Maybe it is all human.

Caroline
Maybe this is a demon imposter and the demons stole Stew!

Jim
These are all possibilities.

He gets out a calculator.
After much tapping and deliberation:

Jim
We spare the child.

Alex
I'm not happy about this.

Leon
Neither am I.

Jim
I don't care.

Caroline
Get me a pickled onion!

Jim
Later. We're nearly home.

EXT - 69 HES RD - NIGHT

The four of them approach from bg.
There is a crunch as they make their way to the door.

Caroline
Noo. I killed another snail!

Leon produces a ring of keys and gradually unlocks the front door.
The door swings open. A grand hallway is revealed.

INT - 69 HALLWAY - CONT.

They make their way through to:

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - CONT.

It is as per last episode. Very high ceiling. Rather large room.
Caroline is already visably pregnant.

Swing to:

INT - 69 HALLWAY - CONT.

Coats are taken off.
Stew's peg is empty.

Shot of Jim's coat on peg in the adjoining hallway. Timelapse to daylight shot.

Swing back to:

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - DAY

...to reveal coffin in centre of living room.

Dennis Taylor and Amanda Barrie stand over the coffin. They are crying a lot.
There is a knock at the door.
Jim, dressed in a black suit, goes down the HALLWAY to the door.
He opens it. Cut away before we see who's there.

Dennis Taylor is now stood next to Harriet Harman. They embrace in their woe.
Leon is hiding in a corner. He always wears black and today is no exception.

Caroline looks heavily pregnant. She is drinking coke. She is wearing a stereotypical seventies maternity dress.
She looks a little bit like Hattie Jacques, but not too much.

Caroline
Who is it?

Jim
It's Stew's real dad.

Enter God (fx - Dennis Potter - voice of Brian Blessed). He has a kind of ethemeral glow around him. He looks a bit like the ready brek kid but with a big white father christmas beard. He wears some large quantity of Daz-white cloth.

God
(in a booming kind of way, very slightly Jewish)
I've brought my daughter along, if you don't mind.

Leon
Your daughter?

God
Yes. My daughter. Gods are alowed to have daughters
aren't they? I mean, I'm god. Surely I can do what I like.

Leon
This'll rock the world of organised religion.

God
I don't know why it should.

Leon
No. I suspect you're right.

God
Infalibility. I can't get enough of it. You know, I did Bamboozle
the other week, pressed red all the way through. Still got twelve.
Who's the patron saint of Turkey? Bernard Matthews is. You know
those silly answers they put for C in 100%? Every one's a winner when
you're god. Shame they banned me from doing those quiz-shows...

Jim
Wait... I feel we are straying from
the issue at hand... You have a daughter?

God
Yes.

Jim
I see. Or rather I don't see. Where is she?

God
What? Oh. Um...

 God lifts his toga-type thing and out ducks Sally (Deborah McAndrew).

Sally
Hello.

God
This here is my daughter, Sally. Say hello, Sally.

Sally
Hmm.

God
Sally, these are some slime I accidently
created in roughly my own image.

Jim
Pleased to meet you.

Leon
Hello.

God
Now, if we could get on with the service...
Is this the disgusting little wretch?

Jim
This is Stew...

Leon
Or what's left of him.

Alex walks in from the kitchen (opposite wall to hallway, and at far side) wearing a hawaiian shirt and jeans. He is drinking from a martini glass with a cherry on a stick in it.

Alex
Oh, hello there!

God
Alex.

Alex
God.

God
How's the reaping going?

Jim
What?

Alex
Fine. When's Grimm back?

God
He's staying in Leeds for another week. Loves it
apparently. You will give him his scythe back won't you?

Alex
The scythe's mine. He was just borrowing it.

God
The scythe is Old Father Time's and don't you
forget it. Permanent Loan is not the same as ownership.

Alex
Yes.

God
And it's nearly new year. He'll be needing it.

Jim
If we could perhaps get on with the celebrations.

Leon
You mean the... no, sorry...

God pushes Dennis Taylor and Una Stubbs asside.
 
 

God
Right, I'll take the snivelling little bastard.

Jim
Sorry?

God
(to coffin)
This'll teach you for all that pacifistic
ultra-moral turn the other cheek crap! Ha!

Jim
Excuse me?

God
There's only one way to go about
things and that, my lad, is violence.

He points a finger, and a lightening bolt blasts the coffin into non-existance.

God
Told you you'd succumbe to temptation eventually, you gret drip!

Sally
Daddy!

God
Now now, dear.

Dennis Taylor and Christa Akroyd are doubled in their grief.

Sally
Daddy, really.

God
If you want to get a job done properly...

Jim comforts Dennis Taylor and Claire Frisby.

God
Send yer bleedin' daughter.

Sally
Daddy?

God
Yes dear, I want you to stay here with these measly
excuses for whatever they purport to be, and show them
the ways of the lord. Do you think you can manage that?

Sally
You're seriously throwing me out of paradise and leaving me here?!

God
Yup. I'm sick of you. Constantly in my hair.

Sally
Why don't you just send me off to mother's?

God
For the sixty-eighth beedin' time, you haven't got a mother! I'm
god, I can do what the hell I like! And you're staying here!

Sally
But...

God
No buts! I'm outa here.

And with a puff of smoke he vanishes.
Sally starts crying.

Voice of God
And quit yer snivellin'!

Jim
There there, come on... It's not that bad.

Sally
I think you fail to understand the gravity of the situation.

Jim
Sorry?

Sally
I was brought up in a place where whatever you want you get;
 where you eat what you like without putting on weight...
In a week, at the rate I eat, I'll be thirty-eight stone.

Jim
Now come off it. I've been to heaven. It's a war zone.

Sally
Not where I live it isn't. Do you think that my dad, in his
omnipotence would live in a war zone? He's well away from the
fighting. We live in a different dimension entirely. Lived...

Caroline
York's not so bad.

Jim
In fact York's the bestest place in the whole wide world.

Caroline
And we know this brilliant pub...

Alex
Yeah, the Red Lion. It's great!

Jim
My dad runs it.

Leon
Unfortunately, Jim's dad is the anti-christ.

Sally
What?! What!?!?!

Leon
N-not literally... At least I don't think...

Caroline
But he's a pretty nasty piece of work.

Alex
Yeah, he's tried to kill us before now.

Sally
Thanks. This is really making me feel good about my position.

Alex
And he's been killed several times but keeps coming back.

Leon
A bit like your brother.

Sally
Hmm.

Jim
Anyway, you're welcome to stay.

Alex
Yeah, we don't know many women.

Sally
Er, thankyou, I think.

Jim
You can have Stew's old room.

Leon
The bed should still be warm.

Sally
Yes...

Jim
And the rent's £183 a month.

Sally
Ah. Do you take Rhino card?

Jim
Sorry?

Sally
Rhino card. The principal bartercard from the Bank of Heaven.

Jim
Will they accept it at Midland Bank?

Sally
Well it'll definitely open the door during closing hours.

Jim
I suppose so, what do you think Alex?

Alex
I think we should kill her as a sacrifice to Paul Coia.

Jim
I see. Leon?

Leon
I don't care.

Caroline
Come on. I'll show you round.

INT - THE GREAT GALLERY (UPSTAIRS CORRIDOR) - DAY

The gallery is laid out with paintings of fundamental events in our heroes' history.

Caroline
This here is Mr Chops, the corridor where the lads first met up. And this is a group photo.

Sally
Who's who here then?

Caroline
Well that's Stew, and that's BabySham, his room-mate. Now
he was an android created by Bill Gates. He later malfunctioned,
and killed a lot of people, and I'm not sure what he's doing these
       days. He might be better, I don't know. This is Alex, you met him
downstairs. Now he is a bit scary, but nice with it. We don't
see him too often, tends to spend most of his free time at
 Sainsburys. But he's alright. You'll get to know him. That there
is Jim, he's nice enough, but he's having a bit of a personal
crisis at the moment, what with his dad turning out to be Siddor
an' all. That's Chris. He's at MI7 now. They're a big scary place
in Fulford where Jim works too. Not entirely sure what they do. I
think Chris might be dead in this dimension though. Not sure.
Er, that one there is Leon. He's supposedly an assasin, but I
don't think I've ever seen him kill anyone. I think he's having
problems getting work. Anyway he's alright. He comes from this
 planet full of Leons. They were all cloned or something.
Anyway, that last one is Tomy. Don't know what
happened to him. The others didn't like him much though.

Sally
Oh.

INT - THE VIOLENT PIG (STEW'S ROOM) - DAY

It is a hideous pink. The curtains are made from butcher's bags.

Caroline
And this will be your room.

Sally
Ew, what a disturbing shade of pink.

Caroline
Yes.

Sally
Where else is there?

Caroline
Well that's about it. Apart from the
shed, but I think the rabbits are in there.

Sally
The rabbits?

Caroline
Yes. They're making a sledge.

Sally
But it isn't snowing.

Caroline
Not yet.

Sally
But when it does...

Caroline
They'll be prepared.

INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

Jim and Leon are sat on the Patio/Hallway-side settee, twiddling their thumbs.
Leon is sat on the patio side (left) and Jim on the hallway side (right).
Through the patio door, the glow of oxyacetaline can be seen beyond the shed window.
Sparks fly and the squeaking of bunnies is faintly audible. Leon in forground:

Leon
I've been thinking.

Jim
You better watch that. It could be dangerous.

Leon
Yes. Do you think that demon was Stew?

Jim
I don't know.

Leon
He did come up with that prayer.

Jim
What?

Leon
Give us this day our daily bread, and deliveries from evil.

Jim
Are you suggesting that Jesus was always a demon?

Leon
It'd be one in the eye for the Christian faith.

Jim
If that were ever to get out, western civilisation would crumble.

Leon
Do you think so?

Jim
Yes.

Leon
It's worth a thought is that.

Enter Alex from Hallway.

Alex
Wouldn't work.

Leon
What?

Alex
Western civilisation and all that... they wouldn't believe you.

Leon
Maybe you're right.

Alex
<sitting on the opposite settee - kitchen side (right)>
Now if you had proof...

Leon
You mean like his demon-cards?

Alex
No. That would only prove that he was a demon when he died.

Leon
Oh.

Jim
I think that we're treading on dodgy ground here.

Leon
Nargh.

Alex
I have a better idea.

Leon
What? An idea of how we can prove that western morality was
founded by a force of evil, and henceforth bring the globe to anarchy?

Alex
Yup.

Jim
Is that really a good idea?

Alex
I'm up for it.

Leon
It'd give us something to do now we can't go to the Lion.

Jim
Hmm.

Leon
What are you going to do then?

Alex
Well, Leon, I'm going to buy a time machine.

Jim
What?!

Enter Caroline and Sally from Hallway.

Carolione
What's going on?

Leon
Alex is going to but a time machine.

Sally
Where from?

Caroline goes in the kitchen.

Jim
I think you're missing a more fundamental element here.

Alex
Well you know that shop over the road...

Leon
The magic shop? Oh of course!!

Sally
The magic shop?

Caroline
<in kitchen, washing a cabbage or something - shot from living room>
Yeah. It sells everything. You just have to go in there thinking
of what you want to buy, and it'll be full of that. Stew did it
 with wrapping paper. The place was packed full of the stuff.

In the forground as this is said, Sally sits on Alex's settee, to the left (alcove side).

Jim
There's a bit of a difference between
wrapping paper and time-machines though.

Alex
This coming from a man who once died, and who
has done battle with aliens and travelled through televisions.

Jim
It's still not time-travel.

Leon
They sell houses there.

Caroline
It's true.

Alex
Right. I'm off.

He gets up and walks to a pouffe in the middle of the back wall, where his bag is laid.

Caroline
<entering, clutching the dripping cabbage>
But I didn't think you had any money...

Alex
I've been saving some up.

He produces a coffee-jar full of coppers from the hinged and hollow pouffe.

Leon
How much have you got then?

Alex
<opening the jar and sniffing>
£18.20 by the smell of the jar.

Sally
Will that be enough?

Alex
We shall see!

EXT - HES RD - LATE AFTERNOON

Shot of Alex walking determinedly across the road to what appears to be a perfectly ordinary corner shop.

INT - MAGIC SHOP - CONT.

Shop interior from POV of shopkeeper. The door goes ting in the traditional manner.

Tim (Bert Kwouk)
Ah! Customers!

Alex
Hello. I'd like to buy a time machine please.

Tim
Ah. Step this way, sir. Mind the step.

He leads Alex into:

INT - STORE ROOM - CONT.

Tim
How much were you pranning to spend?

Alex
I have £18.20

Tim
I see. Then you wirr be wanting this.

Tim passes Alex what appears to be some kind of vegetable steaming device.

Alex
What is this?

Tim
This is an Invigirator.

Alex
But I wan't a time machine.

Tim
Ah! But is a time-machine too. And a budgie-defroster,
and a spaghetti-burner, and arso a Doreen.
And arr for seventeen pounds ninety-nine new pence.

Alex
Sounds quite reasonable. I'll take it.

Narrator:
And so Alex took the device. And so began the legendary journey of Alex.

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - EARLY EVENING

Caroline
<sat where Alex was, munching on some toast and paté from a plate on her knee>
When do you think he'll be back?

Jim
Who knows.

Door slams (off), Alex marches in from hallway.

Leon
Did you get a time-machine?

Alex
Yes.

He sounds a little annoyed.

Jim
Did you go back?

Alex
<slinging his bag down on the pouffe>
Yes. And then I had to pick my way across Europe to
Judea.  The public transport system then was worse
than it is now. I am more than a little saddle sore.

Leon
And was Jesus a demon?

Alex
Ah. I almost forgot... I met Stew, and he WAS Jesus,
and he cheated with those miracles: him and his mates had
a van-full of bread and turbut... but he wasn't a demon.

Caroline
Then he still might be alive...

Alex
Maybe. But here's the interesting bit.
Remember what that porter, Economics,
told us about donkeys that time?

Leon
About what the Greeks did to them?

Alex
Yeah. Well it was true.

Jim
Did you go anywhere else.

Alex
Well to be honest, I was kind of worried about the
time-machine breaking down. And I didn't want to be stranded.

Caroline
No.

Alex
So I just came straight back, which is
lucky really, because then the legs fell off it.

Sally
Off the donkey?

Alex
Off the time-machine.

Leon
You might've took us with you.

Alex
Only a one-manner I'm afraid. Otherwise I would've.

Leon
Hmm.

Alex
Anyway, I fancy a drink.

Caroline
But the Lion has been taken on by Siddor.

Alex
This is a problem we are going to have to face up to.

Leon
Well I COULD do with a drink.

Jim
I'm not sure.

Sally
Maybe he's turned over a new leaf.

Caroline
Siddor? I'm not convinced.

Alex
Well I don't care. I've got my knives.

Leon
A warming thought.

Caroline
Hang about.  It's Wednesday tomorrow. That's quiz night.

Alex
We've not missed a quiz night ever.

Jim
Apart from when we were in heaven, and
television, and the caribbean and so on.

Leon
Well I can't afford two days in a row.

Alex
Then let us pluck up our courage over the next twenty four hours.

Jim
Hmm.

Caroline
Okay then. Tomorrow it is.

Cut to:

INT - A WHITE ROOM - DAY (NOT LIKE IT HAS WINDOWS OR OWT, MIND)

Jim, in a robe of black silk, swirls around the place brandishing a bicycle pump.
Following a particularly triumphant flurish, he contracts it, and bows at the floor towards the camera.

Jim
For the mighty will fall, and the forces of darkness
will shrink back out of the way. The glorious
will rise and the sun will shine once more.

Sally
(off)
The sun IS shining.

Reveal her at the side in a dark doorway.

Jim
Yes. I know. It was a metaphor.

Sally
Hmm... Dinner's ready.

Jim
Oh. Right.

 INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - DAY

Sally comes up the stairs from the basement into the Lego alcove cum bar area - this is the first proper view
we've had of this section of the room. It is an alcove under the stairs, with a bar fitted in it.
Behind the bar, on the back and right hand walls, are optics.
On the left wall, under the stairs, is a door with stairs leading down to the basement (which Sally is coming through).
Over the bar hang Lego Star Wars space-ships, and a section of bar sports a Lego castle.

Track back through galley kitchen and into toilet such that we have full view of:

INT - KITCHEN - CONT.

...as Sally walks through.
Reveal Alex poking in fridge (left fg.). Alex comes out revealing him covered in jelly.
Tilt down to reveal jelly all over the place. The stuff is oozing from the fridge.

Jim enters kitchen after Sally.

Jim
Not more jelly?!

Sally
Aren't you sick of it yet?

From a nearby mound of jelly, Caroline tunnels out.

Caroline
You can never get sick of jelly.

Sally
Hmmm...

Leon appears from behind camera.
We do not see his face. His voice sounds odd (distorted).

Leon
Everyone's going fucking mad.

Sally
Yes.

Caroline is whelping with excitement.
Jim is looking for his peanut butter in amongst a jelly-ridden cupboard.

 Leon
Maybe we will wake up soon...

This chaos continues...
 
 

Leon
Okay, maybe not.

Sally walks past camera and into toilet. Camera rotates 180 and cameraman wipes jelly off lense.

Sally
(to camera)
Go away.

 Leon
Who let this bloody fly-on-the-wall documentary team in here anyway?

Camera whips back round to see action.
Out of tune singing is heard from toilet.

Jim
Get this jelly out of here.

Caroline whimpers.

Alex
Jellllly!!!

Narrator (John Peel):
This is Alex. He is an astrophysics expert at
MI7, he is also the owner of a combine harvester.

Shot of:

EXT  - HES RD - DAY

Harvester parked outside house. It is a yellow New Holland TR 85.

Narrator:
Alex shares a house with four friends. Jim is the son of a dark lord and
 is trained in the ways of Greyskull, an ancient martial art and
discipline. He works as a computer programmer at MI7.

INT - 69 LIVING ROOM - DAY

Shots of Jim picking bits of jelly from his clothes as he walks back into the living room and sits down in the seat nearest the alcove.
The TV set (middle of Alcove/Hallway wall) is on. It is showing Bamboozle or something else teletextual.
Reverse angle to show Leon on other settee (patio seat), clutching the remote. His face is pixelised or soft focus.

 Narrator:
This is Leon, he is wanted for various crimes across the galaxy and as
such, his voice and features have been electronically distorted.

Leon
Oi! Get out of it.

He prods down the back of the settee.
The narrator squirms out and runs to hide in the hallway.

Narrator:
Caroline has been living with the group now for thirteeen months. She is a
cleaner at MI7, and hopes to win the Eisteddfod on her pony, Simon.

EXT - PATIO AREA - DAY

Caroline, who is of course heavilly pregnant, swims in Jelly which is flooding into the back garden.
She swims past the shed. Through the window of the shed, sparks can be seen.
All this is shot through the patio doors. Leon isn't in shot.

INT - KITCHEN - DAY

Sally exits the bathroom. Using a can of deoderant and a match, she burns a path through the jelly filled kitchen.

 Narrator:
This is Sally. She seeks justice in a land where
justice is but a word in a largely inaccurate dictionary.

Through the back door and window (Kitchen to Patio) we see:

EXT - PATIO - CONT.

Caroline is eating pears that fall into the jelly from a large tree outside.

Narrator:
Today is wednesday, and Alex and his flat mates must face their greatest task yet,
for tonight they return to the Red Lion public house, now under new management.

EXT - RED LION - DAY

Establish.

INT - RED LION BAR AREA - DAY

Inside Siddor commands over new bar staff: Ant (Ben Kingsley), Jim2 (Kevin Spacey), Alan (Hugh Hopper), and Est (Guy Siner).

Narrator:
Since taking on the Red Lion, Siddor has made a number of changes, not
least, restaffing the bar with his favourite cronies. Fundamental though to
the changeover has been the redecoration of our heroes' favourite seating area.

Shot of a violently pink, well lit seating area.

INT - 69 VIOLENT PIG - DAY

Shot of Sally sat on her bed. She talks to camera.

 Sally
Well, I'm very nervous, I've heard so much about the Red Lion,
and this'll be my first visit. Also I'm quite scared
about Jim's dad. I've been told he can be quite unpleasant.

INT - 69 JIM'S ROOM - DAY

Jim sits at his computer, killing things.

Jim
Siddor's my dad, and that's posed more than a few personal problems.
I've also got this sister who I've never met. That's quite exciting.
But um... we'll have to see. Siddor might've mellowed with age.
I don't believe that one bit, but if I keep saying it, well you never know...

INT - 69 LEE'S ROOM (C-KEY) - DAY

Leon sits atop the Dali Llama who is waterskiing.

 Leon
Well all I can say is, I hope he's changed the beer.
Some decent real ales would be more than favourable.

Narrator:
Today is also important because it is Alex's auntie's birthday.

INT - LIVING ROOM - EVENING

Alex is sat reading "Persuasion" (centre of alcove/kitchen settee). The title should not be obvious.

Alex
Is it?

Narrator:
Yes.

Alex
Oh.

Sally and Caroline enter with several bags of shopping.
They collapse on the settee either side of Alex, as Alex gets up and leaves the building.
They simmultaneously reach for bottles of coke and swig heartilly.
Track to Leon's room.
He wears a smoking jacket and bunny-slippers, and is polishing an automatic weapon.

Leon
Fuck off!

He aims the gun at the camera.

Cameraman (Graham Berry)
Sorry... I'm going.

Camera tracks through living room to toilet.

INT - TOILET - CONT.

Shot of toilet being peed into.
Whistling.

INT - LIVING ROOM - 7:30pm

Narrator:
 It is seven thirty, and the five house-mates must leave
for to meet their destiny at the hands of the evil Siddor.

 Sally
That's very negative.

Sally wears a big tartan duffle-coat with a hood.
Caroline wears a long camel coat affair, Alex wears a cowl, Jim wears an anorak, and Leon wears a gestapo-esque long leather coat.

INT- HALLWAY - CONT.

Each press a button on the alarm console, and leave.
The door locks from the outside.
Vignette iris in on keyhole as door locks.


Narrator:
We leave our heroes now, to take a peep at the antics of one
Professor B. Sham as he attempts to kill everyone in the entire world.

EXT - BOOTHAM CRESCENT - EVENING (FLOODLIT)

BabySham (Guy Pearce) parascends into the football "stadium". Runs around the field, kicks an anarchist-bomb into the net, it tears through into the seating and explodes.
Flesh rains down onto the pitch. Booing.
BabySham approaches camera. His eye glows red.
The lens of the camera begins to melt. Then everything goes brilliant white.

EXT - SNOWSCAPE - EVENING

Rod's dog Petra drags a sledge. Rod (Peter Davison) is sat on the sledge. The sledge goes past and out of shot.
Then a group of rabbits appear from left and sledge down a hill to the left of frame.
Babysham enters shot and kills all the little bunnies.
He smiles at camera.
Enter Alex from other side. He seems upset.

Alex
Nooo! NOOOO! They were MY bunnies! I'd sharpened a knife, specially!

BabyS.
Hasta Manyana, Bebe!

He pulls a gun on Alex. Alex makes like a snowman and melts out of shot.

BabyS.
A minor setback.

Jerk-cut to:

INT - RED LION, BOTTOM END (nr. KITCHENS)

The ceiling over the step is dripping. Leon walks under drip, carrying a pint.
He sits at a nearby table, where Sally is making herself comfortable, and scrutinises the beer mats.
Jim follows with a guinness and a cider and Caroline carries two pineapple & lemonades.
After they all pass under the drip, through the magic of CGI, the drips coagulate into Alex who then sits at the table.

 Sally
Wow! How did you to that.

Alex
Special effect.

Jim
We're big budget now you know...

Siddor enters from kitchen wearing stupidly large checked trousers, a white coat, and a chef's hat, and carrying a blooded meat cleaver.
He throws it at our heroes' table and it imbeds itself deeply.
Blood trickles across the table and Sally does her best to mop it up with a beer mat.

Siddor
Hello, young 'uns!

Jim
You do not frighten us, old man!

Siddor
Now now, son...

Jim shivers.
Siddor wanders back into kitchen, shrugging.

Narrator:
 It is the pub quiz snowball now, and Alex and his friends
have all entered. It has cost them fifty pounds each and they
were forced to pay on pain of death by the landlord, Siddor.

Siddor sits on the drawers (middle section) with a microphone.

Siddor
Okay, earlier I set tonight's snowball: an evil question set by
an evil man. The question was: How many people at that table there
<points at heroes' table>
will I kill tonight? I know what the answer is, but first,
let's see what you put. Christine and John: 32, Axis Carpark: 27,
The taxidermists: 10, 100, 1586, 0 and 794532... erm,
I'm not that young anymore! Jean: 42, The Minster Crackpot -
If you take all the scaffolding away there won't be any: 52,
Livid Merecat: 2. Hopeful there I think. Pineapple Strogannoff: 0.
Don't think so! Ha ha ha! You are not my father: 4 I think you'll find I am...
Spagghetti Burner: -1. Nope. Willy Muffler: 92, I.P. Freely, again: 8...
Here we go... Carry Grant, Emmilou Harris and Esteban from
behind the bar are sat in a barrel of turgid snot, extracting
fine wines and cress from the warm clefts of Siddor's buttocks: 33.

Alan behind the bar laughs animatedly.
Siddor tilts his head and outstretches his arm.
Alan chokes and crumples to the floor.
Laughter.

Siddor
The right answer is five. And "Damp recepticles
of ultimate dispair" said exactly that.

Sally is congratulated by her team mates.

  Siddor
Well done, if you'd like to come and collect your prize. Your prize
of course being five grusome deaths for you and your friends...

Our heroes look at each other nervously. Siddor holds his microphone up.
From the end extends a beam of sonic energy.
It is a sound-sabre, an ancient weapon of the Bleak Side...

Zjung. Zjjjerrr-zjerrr-ung... goes the sound-sabre.

Siddor rises high above our heroes.

Fade to black.

There is a scream.

Closing credits on black.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Fade up on:

EXT - STREETS OF YORK - NIGHT

Our five heroes running desperately through the streets of York.
They find an alleyway (maybe Whip-ma-who-ma-gate) and rest a while.

Alex
(panting)
It was a good idea of yours, Leon, fading to black and running the credits like that.

Sally
Yeah, Jim's dad didn't know what hit him...

Jim
I'm not sure I like him being referred to as 'my dad'.

Caroline
Still, it worked. Siddor didn't have a clue what was going on.

Jim
Nor did I.

Leon
Must be genetic.

Jim
Thankyou.

Leon
Don't mention it.

 <beat>

Sally
What are we gonna do?

Jim
Good question.

Alex
You have to do something about him.

Jim
Why me?

Leon
He's your dad. We can't deal with your parents.

Sally
Yeah, that's kind of personal... family buisness and all that.

Caroline
Plus the fact that you are versed in the
ways of Greyskull and none of us are.

Jim
I think it will take more than Omra's training to beat Siddor.

Sally
Really?

Jim
Siddor is using something else... a power
much darker than I can deal with using POG alone.

Alex
What?

Jim
I sense... Logic...

Leon
Ey?

Jim
Siddor is using logic against us.

Sally
Since when.

Jim
I don't know. He hides it but it is there.

Alex
So... go head to head with him in a battle of logic.

Sally
Leon could play him at chess...

Alex
No, it must be Jim.

Leon
Besides, you can't get much more logical than Jim.

Caroline
That's true.

Jim
Then it is decided. I must lock horns with
Siddor in a battle of pure logical thinking...

Sally
Doesn't sound enough to me.

Jim
Trust me, it will be.

Sally
Okay...

<beat>

Caroline
Oh my god!

Jim
What?

<beat>

Caroline
My contractions!... The baby's coming!!

Suspenseful music.

to Episode Six Part Two