EPISODE SIX:
PART TWO:

Caroline
My contractions!... The baby's coming!!

Suspenseful music.

Sally
Quick... get her stuff - there's no time to loose. Get her in the car!

Jim
We haven't got a car.

Caroline
Argh!

Sally
Then help me carry her to the nearest bus stop! Hurry!

They drag her up and cart her to:

EXT - PAVEMENT BUS STOP - NIGHT

A bus stops and they drag her on board... dramatic music.
Dramatic music becomes Benny Hill-esque chase music as the bus speeds away. The footage is sped up.

A nurse runs to the stop and waves about a bit.
She is then chased by a doctor, an old wino and a man in a gorilla suit.
Cue shots of the chase scene as the people run around flower-beds several times.

Use:

EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS - NIGHT

as the flower-bed setting.

A mysterious gardner stands by his shed brandishing a trowel. He bends to dig at a flower bed.
A nurse trips on a banana skin and kicks the gardner in the buttocks.

The gardner turns and reveals himself to be BabySham. He hurls the trowel which embeds itself in the nurse's back.
The three persuers round the shed and fall in a heap on the nurse.
Cut back to Babysham who pulls a pin from a grenade and hurls it at the pile. The four characters are destroyed.
BabySham walks away from the carnage, to camera, completely unscathed.

Meanwhile:

INT - BUS - NIGHT

Caroline is breathing heavily.
Sally squeezes her hand.

Sally
It's okay... we'll be there soon...

She looks at the others nervously.
The bus comes to a stop.
BabySham boards.

BabyS
One to Arnold please.

The driver is Chris (Christian Slater).

Chris
Eighty-five pee.

BabyS struggles with his change.

BabyS
There you go.

Chris
Ta.

BabyS heads up the bus to our heroes.

BabyS
Hi!

Alex
BabySham.

Alex moves away from the rest. His hand hovers by his waist.

BabyS
Alex...

The bus stops.

Chris
Hey! What's going on back there?

BabySham turns.

BabyS
Nothing.

He and Alex sit back down.

The bus moves on.

BabyS
Are you alright Caroline? You look unwell...

Alex growls.

Jim
She's having a baby.

 BabyS
Really? You mean you're pregnant?

Leon
Can't you tell with the size of her?

BabyS
I wasn't going to say anything... I thought she'd put on weight.

There is a massive splosh, and Jim, Leon, BabyS and Alex are covered in yellowish fluid.

Caroline
Oh my god! My waters have broken.

BabyS stands up and dives to the front of the bus.

BabyS
Does this bus go to the hospital?

Chris
No.

Jim appears.

Jim
You told me it did!

Chris
Did I?

Jim
Yes. You charged us ten fifty for it.

Chris
Oops.

BabyS
There's a woman back there about to have a baby.

Chris
Not in my bus she isn't!

Jim
I thought you only had one arm now...

Chris
Yeah.

Jim
Are you allowed to drive a bus with only one arm.

Chris
It's a fair cop.

BabyS
What?

Chris
This bus is stolen.

Jim
You what?

Chris
I stole it. Everything was alright until I accidently picked up
some passengers and now I don't know the route and I've
just been driving blindly round a flowerbed ever since.

Shot of:

EXT - MUSEUM GARDENS - NIGHT

Bus motoring round flowerbed at comic speed, being chased by a neuro-surgeon, a tailor, an undertaker, a busty woman in a neglige and a frenchman.

INT - BUS - NIGHT

BabyS
You twit.

Chris
That's it! I've had enough.

He stops the bus.

Jim
You can't just stop here. That woman needs to get to a hospital!

Chris
Which woman?

Jim
That one there.

Chris
Urgh.

Jim
What?

Chris
Nothing. Look. I don't know the way.

Jim
Well let's think about this logically. First
things first, drive us out of this municipal park.

Chris restarts the engine.

Jim
Right... now...

The engine cuts out.

BabyS
What now?

Chris
We're out of petrol.

Jim
What?!

Chris
There isn't a petrol station in this park.

BabyS
Hmm.

Jim
We have to get her to a hospital.

Chris
What's wrong with her again?

BabyS
She's having a baby.

Chris
Well that's a stroke of luck!

Jim
What?

Chris
It just so happens that I am a trained midwife.

BabyS
Now is not a time for joking.

Chris
No, really!

 He marches down the bus.

Sally
What's going on?

Jim
Chris is a trained midwife.

Caroline
Oh christ!

Chris dons a surgical mask and rubber glove. He produces a pen-light.

Chris
Right, let's have a look.

Vagina-cam shot of Chris bending in.
The back of Alex's head rises between the camera and Chris.
Alex is growling a lot, and baring his teeth.
Chris returns in kind.
The two circle each other, growling and stamping their feet.
Then, with tension built, they rush at each other, pawing at the ground and waving their heads about.
Their heads lock and they push against each other. There is much roaring.
In the height of it:

Caroline
Gentlemen!!

They turn and look at her.

Caroline
I think it's coming...

Sally squeezes her hand.

Sally
Push.

Chris returns to his midwifery.
There is much damp facedness and scrunching of eyes from Caroline.
Then a popping noise and a relaxed countenance.
Chris holds up a bundle of toweling and hands it to Alex.
Alex looks at it. Alex laughs a lot. He becomes hysterical.

Sally
What is it?

Alex passes it to Leon.

Leon
Tis a pineapple.

He removes the towels to reveal a pineapple.

Jim
Gosh! Then Stew really WAS a demon...

Leon
Not necesarilly. He could still be held captive by the demons.
But now we know that He was a demon at the time of the conception.

Jim
I see.

Caroline is holding the pineapple at he breast in a tender caress.

Sally
Ah, isn't it sweet... the fruit of her loins.

Leon
You definitely ARE Stew's sister...

Alex
Stay back, you snaggletoothed rogue!

Jim
Is it God who makes all the bad puns?

Sally
I guess that IS where I get it from...

Alex
I have lost all faith in anything at all ever.

Leon
Is that a new thing?

Alex
No.

Leon
Oh.

Show Chris. His face is blooded, and a bit of umbilical cord hangs from the side of his mouth.

Sally
Chris, you haven't?

Chris has a full mouth:

Chis
Mammum moh?!

Sally
Urgh...

The bit of umbilical cord snakes in to his mouth, accompanied by a sucking noise. Then lip-smacking.

Jerk cut.

Black screen. Caption:

"BabySham's unexpigated guide to the religions of the world"

"Chapter 2 - Buddhism"

INT - CLICHED SEVENTIES O.U. SET

BabySham is depicted with large side-boards and seventies clothes.
The film is bleached. There is a blackboard. The set is lilac.

BabyS
Buddhism is a path of teaching and practice. Buddhist practices
 such as meditation are means of changing oneself in order to
develop the qualities of awareness, kindness and wisdom. The
 experience developed within the Buddhist tradition over thousands
of years has created an incomparable resource for all those who
 wish to follow the path of spiritual development. Ultimitely, the
 Buddhist path culminates in enlightenment or Buddhahood.

Caption:
Transcendental Meditation.

Cut to:

INT - RED LION, BOTTOM END - NIGHT

BabySham in the Red Lion with our heroes. Caroline is breast-feeding her Pineapple.

BabyS
Well I've been joined here by a few friends, and we're going to attempt
to gain enlightenment through a process called meditation.  According
to several Llamas I've met, the best way to enter a meditative state
is through the consumption of several pints of cider. Let's give it a try.

Clockwipe.

The team several pints on.
BabySham stares emptily into space.

BabyS
Well, we've been meditating now for several hours, and I have to
admit I'm finding it a little tricky. What do you think, Jim?

Jim
Er, um, yes... tricky... yes.

BabyS
Does anyone else find it hard to focus on things that aren't there?

Sally moves her index fingers together and apart at arms length.

Sally
Mmmmm.

Caroline drops her pineapple. She is staring blankly.

Caroline
Momamomagobagobgob.

 BabyS
Profound. Well there is a simpler way to learn about religion, but it involves
Civ Two. Don't miss next week's show when we examine Jainism.
Until then, have fun, and remember, for every Cher, there's a Ginger Spice...

Jim
What?!

BabyS
Think about it.

Sally picks the pineapple up and puts it on the table.

Sally
Does this have a name yet?

Caroline
Percy.

Sally
How sweet...

Leon
Eye-eye... Siddor's in.

Jim
Gulp. This is it...

Alex
Good look, Jim.

Caroline
Yes, good luck.

Jim steps up and walks calmly towards Siddor.

Jim
Siddor... Father... Your presence here is
not welcome. I demand that you leave.

Siddor
Make me.

Jim
You leave me with no alternative but to fight you with logic.

Siddor
Your mind is weak. You have not the ability. I am pure logic.

Jim
I am applied logic... I am stronger than you can ever be.

Siddor
You are a stranger in a foreign land. You reach a fork in the
 road. You know that one path leads to a village of prevaricating
cannibals who always tell a lie whilst the other leads to a
 village of vegetarians who always tell the truth... You are unsure
 which route leads to which village. At the fork stands a native
but it is unclear from which settlement he comes. You may ask him
any simple none-compound question. What do you ask him?

Jim
Your powers are weak, old man...   I should point down one road and ask
"Do you live down that road?"   If he answers yes I should take that road. And
if he answers no I should take the other. A simple puzzle, father... quite unworthy.

Siddor
You are wise indeed but this is only basic logical reasoning.

Jim
Indeed. Try this: A man has a boat. He must take a wolf, a goat and
a cabbage across a river, but his boat only carries one object at a time.

Siddor
A local riddle! How apt. Well he takes the goat then takes the cabbage,
returning with the goat. Then he takes the wolf acrosss and leaves it with the cabbage.
He can now pick up the goat. Easy Peasy. You disappoint me son.

Jim
Then perhaps we should move on to formal logic?

Siddor
A little predicate calculus! Ha ha ha.
You do not know what you are dealing with...

Jim
For all x there exists an x such that it is brown and made of flannel...

Meanwhile, Leon is poking faces at the pineapple.

Sally
Oh my god!

Leon
What is it?

Sally
I've just realised... I'm an auntie!

Alex
You're only an auntie if this is Stew's child.

Leon
Yes, he may well have been kidnapped by the demons.
I never thought I would ever deliver a line like that...

Caroline
Are you pulling faces at Percy?

Leon
No.

 She snatches the fruit to her breast.

Caroline
There there... mummy will make the nasty man go away.

She covers the pineapple with a coat.

Back to the logic battle, and the action has moved on...

Siddor
A knave wants to marry a princess, and so goes to her father to
ask his hand in marriage. The king says "Aye, alreyt, but first you must
pass a test." The knave is placed in a small room. The only thing in it
is a light-bulb. There are no windows or anything, and the light is off.
The door has a tight seal. No light can escape. The knave is then
removed from the room and the door is shut. The knave is shown
three light-switches. All are in the off position. One of these controls
the light in the room. The knave has one hour. He may flip the
switches all he wants. Then he must open the door. He can only
open the door once. The king returns after the hour, and the
knave has devined the correct switch with total accuracy. How?

Jim
Pitiful, dad, pitiful... This one is soooo simple...

Return to the corner where BabySham is still entranced. He is dribbling now.

Leon is watching the logic battle...

 Leon
ooooh... that was clever. I wouldn't have got that one...

Sally
Is Jim alright there?

Leon
I think so... they've moved on again. They've just had a second
logic puzzle round and now they're on to definitions and linguistics...

Sally
Oh. He seems to be sweating a lot.

Leon
Yes. This isn't his favourite subject...

...

Siddor
Well? I'm waiting? What is the soloution?

Jim
Er...

Sally
Ooh... come on Jim...

Siddor prompts:

Siddor
Once you saturate the...

Jim
Once you saturate the compliments of a noun you can't do it anymore.

 Sally
Eee....

Siddor
Your powers are growing weak, son. You
lack the stamina. I sense your tension...

Jim
Given the above what is the result of saturating a verb?

Siddor
You are hiding something... Omra cannot help you now...

Jim
Three people are stood in a row and there's
another behind a wall... hang on let me draw it...

Siddor
You seek the help of another... ...your... sister! You
have a sister? Such thoughts cannot be hidden from me...

Jim
Noooo.

Jim is shaking.

Siddor
Let R be a binary predicate symbol.

Jim clutches his head.

Siddor
Consider a sentence which has models
but does not have any finite models.

Jim
Noooo!

Siddor
Is it possible to find such a sentence using only unary predicate symbols?

Jim falls to his knees.

 Siddor
You must either give a sentence p using only unary
predicate symbols such that p has models but no finite models,
or prove that any such consistent p has a finite model.

 Jim rocks on the floor, holding his head. He whimpers.

Siddor
Is it possible, using any set of predicate symbols, to find a set of
sentences which has arbitrarily large finite models, but no infinite model?

Jim is crying.

Sally
Nooooo! Stop that!

Caroline
It's the end...

Siddor
Enough. I have gained much from this encounter.

He kicks Jim asside.

Siddor
A sister, heh?! Ha ha ha hah ah ah ah ha aha hah ah!!!

Jim
You will never find Anna!

Siddor
Really? And why is that?

Jim
She is far from this planet, safely aboard the Starship Tonka.

Alex
Why don't you give him her phone number while you're at it...

Jim
01 811 8055.

Leon
That's Saturday Superstore.

Jim
Is it? My brain is all peculiar-feeling...





&>


Transfer interrupted!

bsp;
 
 

Sally
Hmm.

Siddor steps back.

 Siddor
Excuse me... I have to find my daughter.

And with a sweep of cape he walks out of shot.

Alex
We have to find Anna before he does...

Sally
But where will she be?

Jim
It's too late. She's doomed... we're all doomed...

Leon
We're going to die. He's probably poisoned these drinks anyway.

Caroline
No. Think straight.

Leon
I don't know why we bother carrying on
living. We might as well end it all right now.

He produces one of Alex's knives from behind his back.

Leon
Is this yours Alex?

Alex
Yeah, where was it?

Leon
Stuck in my back. I wondered what
it was. It's been giving me hell...

Alex
Sorry... I must have left it there by accident.

Caroline
Hang on a minute, everyone, there's
something wrong with Percy. She's vibrating.

Leon
She?

Caroline
Yes.

BabySham is starting to buzz, in his trancelike state.

Jim
Wh-wh-what's going on?

Alex
Let me see... I understand pineapples... My god!

Caroline
What?

Alex
She's got a scent!

Leon
What?

Alex
I thing she can sense Anna.

Sally
Really?!

Alex
Strange, I know... but look!

Sally
Gosh!

Alex
It's saying this way...

He points in an arbitrary direction.

Sally
Come on, we've no time to lose!

Alex rushes out carrying Percy.
Everyone else follows. The footage is humerously sped up.
The film accelerates out of control and the feed flies through the projector.
WHITE.
Projector noise and the flapping of loose film on the spool.

Shadow finger rabbits rise into shot. A shaddow fight ensues. The left rabbit dies. It is a rabbit and not a kangaroo.
The right rabbit finds a shadow sledge and drags it off shot.
A shadow sledge laden with shadow rabbits undulates across an unseen vista on the white screen.

Narrator walks on dressed as an usher.

Narrator (John Cleese):
You have one minute before thie next sequence of A New Soap,
which gives you just enough time to sing the New Soap Cantata!

Funky manga-esque visuals - this sequence is entirely (and badly) animated...

Music with a beat.

Choir:
New Soap New Soap
It's A New Soap
 Buy the New Soap Trading Figures
Buy them all!
Buy New Soap Monopoly
It's really good!
Trading Figures available from all good stockists and Woolworths.
 Jim, Sally, Leon, Stew,
Alex, Siddor, Omra, Atoo,
Collect the lot and make them fight!
Percy, Caroline, Chris, Esteban
BabySham, J3PO, Ant, Alan...
They're priced at four ninety-nine a piece
Buy them now. Please.

Cut to an Archery target. A blooded arrow embeds itself in the centre circle.

 Narrator:
 You join our heroes mid-way through an
archery training session with  BabySham...

Caroline lowers her bow. We are in:

INT - LORRY TRAILER - NIGHT

A hi-tech training ground in the back of a lorry. Very Challenge Aneka.

 BabyS
Well done, Caroline.

Caroline
Thankyou. I think you are training us well.
Soon we will have made seven golds and will therefore
be ready to fight against the evil Siddor action figure.

BabyS
But remember that you must train hard, and that success comes only
 in numbers. You will have to stock up on your own good action figures.

Jim moves to the target and fires an arrow.

Meanwhile, in the corner of the room, Leon and Sally are playing A New Soap Special Edition Monopoly.

 Leon
Oh dear! You've landed on MI7, that'll be two thousand
three-hundred and seventy five pounds please.

Sally
Damn! If only I'd have thought of buying that add-on properties set.

Leon
Ah! But you are not so shrewd. You should be alienated for
your unwillingness to participte in the collection of our products.

Sally
You are so right. I appear to be bankrupt.

Leon
Never mind. You are undeserving of a
victory. You only bought the cheap set...

Sally
Yes. You are right. I see now.

Caroline is playing with Percy the Pineapple.

Caroline
Hideee.... Peek-at-you!

Alex
Oh, that is so cute!

Caroline
Yes. Did you know you can buy
Percy models from all good retailers?

Alex
Yes. I always buy our products. And so should our viewers.

Caroline
They should buy them all.

Alex
Every last one.

Caroline
Otherwise the viewers are worthless entities.

Jim
I place you in spoons!

Caroline
Nak nakketty nook!

Jim
Damn! You are too quick!

(animation sequence ends)

Caption:
 "Meanwhile..."

EXT - IMMINGHAM DOCKS - NIGHT

Starship Tonka docks. Anna (Julia Carling) disembarks.
She is wearing a long black PVC coat, and a black cat-suit.

EXT - DARK RAINY STREET / ALLEYWAY- NIGHT

She is walking down a dark rainy street.
She opens a ricketty old metal door down a dark alleyway.

INT - DARK AND POORLY MAINTAINED STAIRWAY / LANDING - NIGHT

She climbs a dark and poorly maintained stairway.
She unlocks a door - The room number is 111.

INT - ROOM 111 - CONT.

Reveal inside the room a massive expanse of computer and peripheries.
She sits herself down at the machine and produces a mobile phone.
She starts tapping away at various keyboards.
The phone rings.
She answers it:

Anna
Hello?

Jerk cut.

INT - TRAILER - MORNING

The team are at the dartboard now.
They are playing darts.

Split screen as Leon approaches the ockey

Sid Waddell
(VO)
And Leon comes to the ockey now. Here's a man who
  knows his way around the board. Happen he could throw those darts
with his eyes closed, his ears bandaged up, and his nostrills
plugged. Though I don't suppose he'd get much of a score.

Leon throws a dart.
Split screen shows Twenty zone. A dart embeds in the board.

Tony Green
Twenty.

Sid
That's a good start there by Leon. They call him the hairy
streaker here at the Lakeside, and I think you can see why.

Tony Green
Another twenty, that's fourty.

Sid
It's a fairly good start. Just look at the graceful way he
throws that dart... there's something almost sexual about that.

Tony
And a double twenty. Leon scores eighty.

Sid
Well showing tremendous skill there. Next up is Jim. Now
here's a man knowledgable in the science of mathematical ballistics...

Tony
Twenty.

Sid
A nice, clean start for a nice, clean man,
here. Far less oily than the bronze adonis...

Tony
One.

Sid
Ooh dear... Not nearly so tasty.

Tony
Treble twenty! Eighty one!

Sid
Well as a wise man once said... "I'm gonna rock down to
Electric Avenue, ooh I'm gonna take you higher!"

Caroline steps up. Western gunfight music. Caroline adopts gunman stance. Hand wavers by hip.

Sid
Caroline to play now... and hasn't
she got a lovely way with those darts.

Caroline moves in a blur.

Tony
Twenty-five-trebletwenty. eighty five.

The darts are so well embedded that only the flights themselves are sticking out of the board. Tony struggles for several minutes.
Eventually a new board is brought on.

Sid
Sally comes up now... I haven't seen a mover like her since Cliff Lazarenko...
She feels those darts up as if they were turkish eunuchs in a bath of asps' milk.

The split screen shows the twenty zone.
Sally throws a dart. We hear it impact but see nothing on the split screen.

Tony
Sixteen.

Sid
Not a bad little starter there. But curvey.
And crunchy as a dog's whiskers.

Another dart is thrown. Again we see nothing.

Tony
Ooh, a miss.

Sid
Slippery as a badger, these darts can be...
she'll be regretting that start and wishing she could
have a chocolate biscuit instead I wouldn't wonder...

Sally throws another dart.
Tony screams.
Blood splatters on split screen lens.

Sid
Ooh deary me... Well I think she was aiming for the spleen there
but that will do just as well. A very good score there for Sally.

Cut to:

INT - BATHROOM - MORN.

Split screen is wiped down by cameraman and we see that the twenty zone has been replaced with the left hand side of BabySham's face.
BabySham is looking in a mirror. He is playing with his robotic eye.
He has in his hand an eyeball. The socket is empty.

 Sid
And BabySham comes up now. I love the way
he handles his tool. It's got poetry about it.

Babysham tries to get the eye in.
He screams.

Sid
Oh dear... a miss... but... Another try... this is immensely difficult
with only one eye of course... eye eye! He seems to have got it.

Shot of everyone outside bathroom. Scream over.

Sid
Nope... well that's a shame. I was hoping he might've
beaten at least Leon... But hang on a moment...

Babysham gets the eye in its socket.

Sid
Bullseye! Well, Droidseye, but you can't quibble really.
Well that's some excellent work there by the robotic
kid there. Gonna be tough to beat I shouldn't
wonder. But bendy bullys all round certainly.

Split screen section over.

Shot of:

EXT - LORRY - DAY

A big blue lorry driving along a motorway.
This should be sufficient to establish that our heroes are inside the trailer.

INT - UPSTAIRS IN TRAILER - DAY

There is a kitchen area, and a living-room section with a little portable telly. It looks like a large caravan in here.
There is a ladder too. Up the ladder come BabySham, Leon, Jim, Sally, Alex and Caroline. Caroline carries a bow and arrow.
Leon, Jim, BabySham and Sally collapse on the settee. Caroline stands on a settee, circles a couple of times, curls up and falls asleep.
Alex goes into the kitchen area and starts cooking with exotic ingredients. Perhaps there is a placenta involved in the recipe... perhaps not...

 Leon
Are we nearly there yet?

Jim
I sense her presence.

Sally
Whose presence?

Jim
My sister's.

Sally
Oh! Is that what we're doing. Nobody tells me anything round here.

Leon
Yeah... I only found out by bugging Alex.

Jim
That's because Caroline came up with the plan.

Sally
The Plan?

Leon
To get BabySham to train us up, and drive us to Jim's sister.

Sally
So who's driving now?

Jim
Some mate of Chris's from the bus company.

Shot of:

INT - CAB - DAY

Alan is driving. He wears a leather cap. He squints and goes "Meep Meep."
He simultaneously slaps his hand to his forehead. He wears an ID badge which bears the acronym CSB.

Cut to:

EXT - TOP OF HUMBER BRIDGE - EVENING

Siddor stood on the top of one of the towers on the Humber Bridge.
He has some binoculars which he is looking through.

Binocular vision:

EXT - IMMINGHAM CITYSCAPE - EVENING

Various windows.
He rests on a woman taking her clothes off.
He rests here for several minutes as she removes layer after layer but never ever seems to get completely naked.
He gives up eventually and moves on.
He sees a woman being beaten up in another window.
He moves on quickly.
He sees Cliff Lazarenko milking a cow.
He zooms in on cow's udders.
He watches for a long time. Squirt squirt.
He moves on.
He spots a mime troupe performing an hilarious comedy.
He moves on quickly.
There, in a dark warehouse window, is Anna.
Siddor smiles behind his gas-mask.
He chuckles evily.
Dramatic chord...
Below the window, down in the street, a lorry pulls up.
Cut to where the action is:

EXT - ANNA'S FLAT-BLOCK - EVENING

Jim steps out of the trailer and rings the bell of Anna's flat.

Anna
(vo)
Hello?

Jim
It is I, your brother.

Anna
Oh. Wow! Long time no see! Come in!

Buzz.
Door opens. The cast enter.

INT - ANNA'S FLAT - NIGHT

They reach Anna's room with its black decor.

Alex
Wow! Nice place you've got here!

Anna
What you see is not the reality of things.

Jim
What?

A mysterious black clothed figure approaches from the shadows. It is Craig (Tom Cruise).

Craig
She's right, you know...

Sally
What do you mean?

Craig
Take a sweety.

He holds out two sweeties. One is red and one is blue.

Sally
What are they?

Craig
That's strawberry and that's... something else.

Sally
Ooh. I don't like the sound of that. It could be
blueberry or something equally unpleasant.

Craig
No. No it's not... It's nice. Really.

Sally
Well, I think I'll stick with what I
know... and I know I love strawberry.

Craig
But if what you know was false... would you rather know the truth?

Sally
What?

Craig
If say strawberry was blueberry would you still have it?

Sally
Would it taste of strawberry?

Craig
It would seem to taste of strawberry...

Sally
Well that's alright then.

Craig
Oh.

Jim
What are you trying to say?

Craig
Suppose the world in which we live is false
and that the reality is scary and unpleasant.

Jim
I think I'd rather be blissfully ignorant and continue
in the dream of the reality I've come to know and love.

Sally
Otherwise it's like going to be unpleasant...

Jim
Er... yes..

Craig
Well it's a good job that the world ISN'T really nasty then.

Leon
Oh, well that's a relief.

Caroline
(to Anna)
What's he talking about?

Anna
We've managed to tap into the real world...

Craig
Beyond the fascade our minds create.

Sally
Sounds painfully Kantian to me...

Anna
No, really... do you want to see?

Jim
Will it hurt?

Anna
No.

Alex
Oh!

Jim
Okay. Show us.

Craig
Put these on.

He passes round pairs of mirrored sunglasses with PCBs stuck on.
People put them on.
We see the room as it really is. Lush pastel shades and floral borders.

The people we know are also slightly different:
Jim is a walking jar of peanut butter.
Alex is a dancing pixie in green and red pixie clothes.
Sally is a giant badger.
Babysham is a large shrew.
Caroline is a cat, curled up asleep on a settee.
Alan is a foppish dandy with a flower up his bum.
Anna is a gold-fish in a bowl.
Craig is a bottle of hair gel.
Leon is just Leon.

They take their glasses off and shivver.
They then break out in a cold sweat.

Jim
That wasn't very nice... What was I?

Sally
Peanut butter.

Jim
Oh... that's alright then.

Sally
What about me?

Jim
A badger.

Sally
Weird...

Caroline is asleep on the settee.

 Leon
Well. That was fun.

Alex
I don't want to know anything about
me. Don't tell me anything about me.

Sally
Okay.

Alan
I feel dirty.

Jim
Well anyway, Anna... we're here to put a stop to
our evil father Siddor. Has he approached you yet?

Anna
No. But he's over there
on the Humber bridge.

She points to camera.
180 to show a startled Siddor.

Jim
We have to put a stop to him before he does something nasty.

Leon
We have to get him out of our pub is what we have to do.

Jim
Yes. That's it.

Anna
Good. I have a plan.

Dramatic stuff. End.

Episode 7