A New Soap
EPISODE 7:
PART ONE:

Announcer (Anna Ford)
And now on ACNC TV, the final episode of The New Soap.
Viewers are warned that they may find some of the
scenes in tonight's fabulous episode slightly icky.

Fade up on:

INT - GLITZY THEATRE

The audience are silent.

Our trusty narrator (John Cleese) walks onto stage, from the right. He wears a dinner jacket.
 
 

Narrator:
"Tonight, we say a fond farewell to a show that is more well loved than
any other show has ever been well loved, ever. I talk of course of the New
Soap. Originally a parody of life in University Halls of Residence, the
story has encompassed more genres than any other show and has broken
 all records for production costs. The now somewhat aged soap will tonight
 go into retirement. I know you will miss it. You will miss it almost as
dearly as me. But not quite as dearly. You aren't going to be suddenly
worried about where your next meal will come from! You aren't going to
wake up tommorrow, unemployed and hungry. Well, most of you will cos
the majority of you are lousy good for nothing students. Pah! Well I'm
in my sixties! It isn't easy to get work when you're my age! And I need the
money... god I need the money... What with that bitch taking everything
I worked so hard for these last fourty years. And then shacking up with
that cunting TV chef. TV chef! For christ's sake... In those rediculous bloody
trousers, and his estuary accent... Whatever happened to good diction in
broadcasting? When I came into the business you needed all your vowels
sharpened and a certificate proving direct lineage to the Queen or Lord Reith.
These days anything fucking goes. So long as you're under forty years of age,
with spiky hair and a speech impediment. This fucking country. It makes
me fucking sick. Sick! Bloody hell...And now... Now, just as I feel
even the smallest hint of success again... and god, talk about fucking small...
Embarressing really... When you consider what Michael fucking Palin gets...
and all he does is piss about on tightly packed trains, in arrid,
politically hostile locations. God. I have to do that in London, and pay
for it myself! On these wages... But it was something... this poxy narration gig.
It paid my bills. Just about. This and the bank holiday sales ads.
And not forgetting that dodgy corporate film I did for BNFL
- though I hardly consider a hundred quid, two omellettes,  a plastic atom,
and having my gonads permanelty steralised particularly good payment.
Not that I had any use for them anymore anyway. The fucking cow.
Saggy old bitch anyway. Dunno what he sees in her, frankly. 'Part from my
fucking money, o' course. Shitting bastard. And don't get me started
on Michael fucking Palin... Fucking cunt...

A stick prods him, from off screen-left.

Narrator
A-hem. But enough about my problems.
Musn't bore you with those... No, no...

Voice (from the Audience)
Too Right!

Narrator
Out! Get him out somebody. No respect, these people.
Working with ammetures. No. I mean it. I want him out.
I'm not continuing until he leaves the auditorium.

Scuffling from the audience.

Narrator
Thankyou. Anybody else out there want to join him?
Now's your chance. No? May I continue? Good. Now then,
before we get on with tonight's final performance,
I believe we are to be offered something of an hors d'ourve
to wetten your appetite. Hors d'ourve. That's good.
You can't get Angus Deayton to say hors d'ourve, you know...
Not unless you spell it phonetically for him. Barbarians...
So here, now, for your pleasure, all the way from Oslo, Scandanavia...
put your hands together for Morten Harket and A-Ha.

Applause starts, and the band make their way on stage.
Under the applause, simultaneous, and barely audible:

Narrator
Put your hands together...
put them over your ears more like.
Who wrote this crap anyway? Jesus.

The Narrator then swigs heartily
from a flask in his inside jacket pocket.

Magne
Jeg vil sprekk apen din leder
og lrt inne din hjerne,
du mokkete fisken-kvinne jomfru!

Subtitle:
I thought we agreed to ditch
the Morten Harket bit, Morten.

Morten shrugs. They start to perform an exciting new version of the theme tune, complete with lyrics.
But this plays only in the background. Instead we:

Track around to:

INT - BACKSTAGE

Gus, Gordon & Berlin are bickering.

Gus
Well where could he have got to?!

Berlin
Well I don't know!

Gordon
Where did you see him last?

Berlin
I don't know. He got a call from Jane last night. He went
out this morning and said he'd be back for the concert.

Gus
He didn't say where he was going?

Berlin
No.

Gordon
And he knows where we're playing?

Berlin
Yes.

Gordon
It's certainly not like Rod to miss a gig.

Gus
Hmm. Still. He's cutting it rather fine.

Wipe to Rod and Jane caught in a:

INT - LUCASFILM STYLE COMPACTING CHAMBER

Rod is stood, arms stretched out, trying to hold back the walls.
A painful expression is on his face.

Jane
We're going to die!

Rod makes straining noises.
There is a flash and all goes pitch black.

Jane
Oh, Valhalla, I can't see! I'm blind!

Rod
The...walls... have... severed... power...urghhh....

There are two unpleasant snapping noises followed by a scream from Rod.

Jane
Rod?!

Rod wails some more.

Jane
Oh, shit. This is it... this is the end...

There is a disturbing squelching, crunching, plopping noise followed by a loud thud.

Silence.

Run titles:

Stew on corridor
Group in Roy
The explosion
Naked in MI7
125 Main Street
 Stew and Leon in the living room
The two Bonds touching
Stew and Leon in the Living room
The big white happening
Jim training with Omra, and killing him
The others extracting cheese from Bessy
Rod coming out of Bessy
Jim and J3PO in the cell
The two teams meeting in the corridor.
Babysham destroying things a la Crystal Maze
The Crystal
Hannah getting eaten
15-1
The Alien shootout
The bridge in Brookhouse
Stew's first death
Craig T. Nelson
 Mr Frizzard
Heaven
Stew and Mary
Che F and BabyS
 Sarah's death
In the trench with Chris
The retune
Grange Hill
The escape
Static land
Rod and Jane
The computer games quiz with the tubs
 Fred Harris and Chocabloc
Fred in the prison with Berlin
Siddor fighting Johnny Ball
Siddor killing Berlin
Siddor killing Johnny Ball
Siddor killing Fred Harris
Fred Harris killing Fred Harris
BabySham killing Fred Harris
Assorted dramatic scenes in the rigging of the ships
Stan, Rita and Gilbert
Stew being sacked
 Darth Castrate's bike-pump
Reactor-shaft montage
AV-Woman and ConMan in the Lion
Siddor appearing behind them
Stew's second death
Caroline's pregnancy scene
The team in the lorry
The humber-bridge shot
Climax with:
The classic title anim of the soap bar being lasered.

A rubber-gloved hand comes into view and picks up the soap...

INT - COWSHED (same one as Episode 1) - DAY

William G Stewart lathers his gloved hands. He wears a long green apron.
Laura Calland, his dashing assistant, sits by the head of Bessie the cow, comforting the animal.
Brian Cant, in farmer attire, looks on nervously.

Brian
It was a good thing you were round, Mr. Stewart.

Laura
It's a good thing Bill's a fully trained vet, Mr Cant.

Brian
Aye, aye... well that's as maybe.

Stewart sizes up the task.
He peers in through the appeture.
Shot of the elgin marbles.
Stewart looks confused.
He thrusts his hand firmly in.
Bessy moos...

Laura
There, there, Bessy...

J3PO and Atoo enter (the room, as opposed to the cow).

J3PO
Master Brian, Master Brian, come quickly!

Brian
Wha-what is it, young lad.

J3PO
Petra's not well.

Brian
Not well? Petra?

J3PO
Yes.

Brian
Are you all right there Mr. Stewart.

Sterart
Yes, I'm fine... You go off and see to
Petra. I'll be there as soon as I can.

INT - FARMHOUSE - DAY

Petra lies before a fire. She looks old and sad.
Sarah Wriggly (Sigourney Weaver), from Episode 1, lies beside her, stroking her. Sarah looks up.

Brian
Now, love...

Sarah
Daddy, don't let her die...

Brian
Now now, when I bought her off that Norwegian fella she was already very old.
He was sad to part company with her, and so will I be, but life must go on.

Sarah
Daddy?

Brian
She's clearly suffering. There's only one thing we can do...

Sarah
Surely...

Brian
We've got to put her to sleep.

He whacks the dog round the head with a brick.
Sarah bursts into tears.

Brian
It brings a tear to the eye does that...
God... She was a great friend to me, that dog.

Sarah cries into her skirts.

Cut to:

INT - CLICHED O.U. STUDIO (The one Babysham was in last Episode)

Han (Stephen Tompkinson), from episodes 1 & 2, stands in front of a formula ridden board. He wears a bad tie, brown suit and sideys.

Han
An excerpt from Shelly's masterpiece "Dog and a brick".
Now there's a much easier method we can use to solve this
algorithm, but for this we need a supercomputer. It just
so happens that Fred has one in the next studio. Fred.

Fred Harris sits by an Acorn Electron.

Fred
Yes, now if you recall, the coordinates in question were 731425,
    so if I type them in here, then ask the computer for an answer...

AX3
Nine.

Fred
Yes. There you see, obviously much
quicker than the method Han used earlier.

AX3
That's right. I'm obviously much smarter than he is.

Fred
Yes. I guess you must be.

AX3
But, what does this complicated mathematics
have to do with washing powder?

Fred
Johnny?

Johnny Ball holds a cylinder full of washing powder

  Johnny
Well, what I have in this tube is just ordinary washing powder like your mum
uses for washing your clothes. Now if I turn the lights down...
That's it. Now can you see, it's glowing blue. That's because it's electric.

AX3
Like me.

Fred
That's right.

Johnny
Of course, you can do more with an AX3 than simply calculate
 algorithms for washing your underpants. Violet Berlin checks
out just a few of the games available on the AX3 at the moment.

Berlin
First up for scrutiny is A New Soap Prequel.
You play feisty young pog Omra as you attempt
to reach the scary castle and rescue the princess.

Screen shots involving Omra (Matthew Perry), Yoga (fx) and Steph (Sarah Lancashire).
Steph, the nun, is taking the role of the princess which must be rescued.
Yoga is a troll you meet on the way.
Bad Influence (Michael Elphick) appears in shot. He is a baddy. Omra fights him.

Berlin
It's a typical adventure beat-em-up platform
puzzle game. Let's see what our pannel thought of it.

Cut to:

INT - INDUSTRIAL WASTELAND (as per Ep.3) - NIGHT

Several tubs of margerine, and John (Gareth Bowley).

 John
We felt that the game was utterly unplayable.

INT - O.U. STUDIO

Berlin
Oh dear, well next to a new souped up version of an old classic.
Fighting Cobra Demons is a reworking of one of the
bloodiest beat-em-ups of all time. Let's take a look.

Stock footage of Princess Rae fighting from the Games Disaster episode.

John
This game is a vast improvement on the
already great original. We strongly urge you to buy it.

Berlin
Well finally, next monday marks the long awaited release of
 Starship Tonka, a space age flight-sim with a difference.

Cut to:

INT - BRIDGE OF STARSHIP TONKA

Midge, Yvette, Elsie, Ivy, Carl, Death, Dale Winton and the disco dancing aliens are having a party.

Death
This gig rocks.

Enter Walsh, the scatman postie. He carries a parcel on his back.
He puts it down and skats out of here. Carl goes to the parcel and opens it.
Inside is a refrigerator. He opens the door. Out comes Fridge (Tim Roth).

Fridge
Hi! I brought some sandwiches!

Carl
Alright! Can I offer you some Chateaux Chapman?

Fridge
Cool.

Carl pours some orange liquid into a plastic tumbler. Fridge drinks from it. He puts the tumbler down.
The tumbler melts on the table. Fridge's face now has green scribbles across it.

Fridge
Wow!

The hypolift doors pish open and in bounce Che F (Art Malik) and Mary Magdalen (Sophie Ellis Bextor). Che F hands around the hotdogs.

Che F
Yah! Dig dees fancy hod-dorgs!

They do.

Narrator (over)
Meanwhile, across the fronds of time... do you really mean that?
I can't say the fronds of... well ok. You're the ones with the money...
It's just I... Well yes. I do, yes. It's just rediculous.
Ahuh... Well I think you're mad, but... sure, sure... Right then.
Meanwhile, across the fronds of time, an old crew-mate
is also indulging in a lavish meal with her friends.
You see that's just rubbish... I dunno what you...

Narrator fades out as we mix to:

INT - ANNA'S FLAT - NIGHT

Anna, Craig, Jim, Sally, Caroline, Alex, Leon, Alan & BabySham sat round a table.
The pineapple sits in a high-chair at the head of the table. At the centre of the table is a large turkey.
It walks around going Gobble. Alex stuns it with a brick, and begins the carving with a scary big knife.

Caroline
Wow! Crackers. Someone pull a cracker with me.

Alan
I'll pull a cracker with you.

They pull. Alan gets the joke.
He puts a silly hat on as he reads the joke.

Alan
Why do anarchists only drink herbal tea?

Leon stares blankly.

Leon
Because proper tea is theft.

Alan
You know it!

Leon
I wrote it.

Alan
Wow. It's good.

Leon
yes.

Caroline
I want a joke.

Simultaneously:
 

Sally pulls a cracker with her.

Sally wins, but hands her the joke.

She keeps the novelty scissors though.

Leon turns to someone out of shot and says:

Leon
I hope you're gonna pay me for that.
Yes... well you'd better. I see...

 Caroline
What's brown and sticky?

Sally
Dog shit.

Alex looks at her menacingly.

Caroline
No...

Jim
I don't know. What's brown and sticky?

Caroline
A stick!

Jim and Anna laugh simultaneously, both heads moving backwards in perfectly identical arcs.
Sally starts to melt the novelty scissors in the candle.

Alex
So what are we doing once we've had dinner?

Anna
Once we've regained our strength through eating this delicious meal,
we will seek out AV Woman and Con-Man. Only they can help us now.

Leon
Right.

Leon nods, subtly, to someone out of short.
In the background Caroline is trying to feed peas to her pineapple.
In the middleground Sally is trying to burn the tablecloth.
In the foreground Alan is playing with the novelty car he got from his cracker.
He rolls the car across the table.

Mix to:

EXT - THE STREETS OF BELGIUM - DAY

A Fiat Uno is driving around at high speed.

INT - FIAT UNO - DAY

Bond (Piers Brosnan) is driving. He checks rear-view mirror.
A red Lambourghini Countache is chasing him at high speed.

 Bond
The Buckular. Pfah!

INT - LAMBOURGHINI - DAY

 Karen is driving, and flicking a switch by her side.

EXT - STREETS - DAY

Side shot of the two cars.
A torpedo fires from the sports car.

INT - FIAT

We see it in rear-view mirror of Fiat.
Bond presses a button on his radio. It tunes to ACNC FM:

 Pepperpot on radio (Lee Pilich)
"Ooh, you won't find anything in there, officer."

Bond winds the window down, pulls up the aerial, opens a dashboard compartment and flicks a switch therein.

 EXT - SATELITE IN SPACE

 A green laser fires from it.

EXT - STREETS

The torpedo is hit by a green light and explodes.

INT - LAMBOURGHINI

 Karen (Helen Atkinson-Wood)
Shit!

INT - FIAT

Bond
Time for some evasive action.

Inspector on radio (Steph Jesper)
"This is the largest John Grisham collection I have ever seen."

Bond presses a button.
A cup holder appears from below the radio.

Bond
Bollocks.

EXT - SQUARE - DAY

The car bounces down a flight of steps and through a pidgeon filled square. Many of the pigeons are crushed under the wheels.

INT - FIAT

Interior shot as feathers fly up obscuring view through windcreen.

Pepperpot
"...Pollockson planning the murder of one Leonard Vice."

Inspector
"I think you're pushing that one a bit far, madam."

EXT - SQUARE

INT - LAMBOURGHINI

Karen is jolted around as dead birds crack into her windscreen. She turns on the wipers.
Blood smears across her field of vision, along with little bits of pigeon flesh.
A single pigeon attatches itself to the wiper blade and swings comically from side to side as if to taunt the mysterious Luxemburgian agent.

EXT - ANOTHER SQUARE

Sam (Kit Hesketh Harvey), the customs man from episode 1, stands in a peaceful square. He is playing an accordian. He wears thick black glasses. He is probably blind.

The Fiat enters from the left of shot, breaking the calm, and knocking Sam over. Sam tumbles over a balcony and out of shot.

The Fiat skids round a corner.

INT - FIAT

Pepperpot
"Mrs Tablecloth Hairdo?"

EXT - SAME SQUARE AS JUST THEN

Sam clambours back over the railings and into the street.
He pauses.
He listens carefully as if expecting another car to come and fulfil comic convention.
He hears nothing.
Silence.
He starts to cautiously make his way across the road.
He manages to stumble to the other side.
He sighs.
A red sports car comes into shot, skidding all over the place. It does not run him down but continues out of shot.

An old woman (Glenda Jackson) with a green wine bottle enters from the right. She makes her way slowly up to Sam and koshes him round the head with the bottle.
Sam slumps to the ground. Blood trickles artistically into the gutter.

INT - FIAT

Pepperpot
"Mrs Jeffery Archer. Oh damn..."

INT - LAMBOURGHINI

Classical music plays.
Karen flicks another switch.

INT - FIAT

Pepperpot
"Oh Bugger."

Rear-view mirror. Oil slick shoots out of front of sports car.

INT - LAMBOURGHINI

Karen
Shitty death!

EXT - ROADS

Karen's car skids out of control.

INT - LAMBOURGHINI

Karen flicks another switch

 EXT - ROADS / CLIFF

Tacks fly out puncturing her own tyres.

The car skids off a cliff and explodes.

INT - FIAT

In the Fiat, Bond taps the steeringwheel along to Hefner's Hymn for the Cigarettes.

EXT - CLIFF ROAD

The music continues over helicopter shot of the Fiat driving along the cliff road.
It drives on past a bus that is teetering on the edge of the cliff.

INT - BUS (pref. the one from last episode which should ideally have been the 403) - DAY

In the bus, Our heroes, Jim, Leon, Alex, Caroline (w. pineapple), Sally, Babysham, Anna and Alan (but not Craig) are stood at the cab end. Chris is stood a little further on.

The bus sways.

Chris
For god's sake, don't move.

He holds his hand out to steady himself.

By the door:

Leon
I told you we shouldn't have taken this nutter's bus.

Sally
The lorry broke down. What else could we do?
We have to find AV Woman and save the world.

Jim
And Con Man. Don't forget Con Man.

Chris
Quiet. I think I know what to do.

Sally
What?

Chris
Everyone back up as far as they can, but don't get out.

Leon
(out of shot)
What?

EXT - CLIFF ROAD - DAY

Show Leon, sat on a bollard, outside the teetering bus. He is eating a mars bar.

The bus lurches uncomfortably, and much dust falls down to the rocks below.

INT - BUS

Chris
Shit.

He dives to the grounded end of the bus.

EXT - BUS

The bus wheels slightly on its axis of tilt.

INT - BUS

Jim
Can't you do anything, Sally? You're the daughter of god after all.

Sally
Do you seriously think god gives a shit about anybody?

Jim
But you're his daughter.

Sally
So? He lumbered me with you lot din't he?

Alex
I see.

Anna
I'm sure Craig'd know what to do.

Jim
If Craig were here we'd blow up.
I thought we went through the
whole anit-matter thing already?

Chris
Yeah, I'm really sorry about all that.

Anna
You said.

Alan
Can't see as it matters... we're all going to die anyway...

Sally
That's very positive of you, Alan. Keep it up.

Leon
(off camera)
Hey, it's snowing, everybody!

Alex
Is that a good thing?

EXT - BUS

A small pile of snow forms by Leon's side. A parachutist lands clumsily in it.

Daevid Allen clambours out of the drift. It stops snowing. Daevid dusts himself down and releases his paracheute.

Daevid
Gdday!

Leon
Hello.

Daevid
You seem to be havin' a spot of bother.

Leon
Do I? Oh, yes.

Daevid
Do you mind if I lend you a hand?

Leon
Er...

Daevid strikes up into song...

Daevid
In case you don't remember, this is what you do
Get up off your stump now.

Yoni (Gilli Smyth) appears from behind a tree and pushes Leon up to his feet.

 Daevid
If you got a problem to know what to do
Here is Yoni with the clue...

Yoni dances about.

Yoni spacewhispers:

Yoni
What's brown and sticky...?

Leon
A stick?

Yoni
A melting strawberry from within my brain!

Leon
I see. That's not very helpful is it...

Daevid
Use your third eye.

Leon
I don't have a third eye.

INT - BUS

Sally
I thought that was your pinial gland...

Chris
Not your arse then?

EXT - BUS

Yoni
You can try!

Leon
Can I?

Daevid
Yes.

Leon
Ooh.

<beat>

Yoni
Go on then.

Leon
Sorry?

Yoni
Try.

Leon
Try what?

Daevid
Counting again and again from one to nine.

Leon
Well... if you think it would help.

Yoni
It would.... It would!

Leon
One...

Deavid
Yes...

Leon
Two...

Daevid
Keep going...

Leon continues...

Narrator (off mic)
Oh fucking hell...

Narrator (on mic)
While Leon attempts to rescue his colleagues, let's take a look
at how the lives of some of our old friends have changed over
the years... We start our journey on an uncharted desert island...

Narrator (off mic - sarcastic)
Was that alright for you? Was that slick enough?

Mix to:

EXT - DESERT ISLAND (from Ep.4) - DAY

Establish a middle-class household like what you might find in an american soap/sit-com,
but made from bamboo and palm fronds.

Mix to:

INT - SITTING ROOM - DAY

Stan sits in a bamboo chair. He wears a suit sewn from fig-leaves.
He is drinking from a fancy cup, and watching two beetles fighting in a bamboo box where a TV would be.
Rita enters. She wears a fig dress in early sixties housewife cut, like Samantha from Bewitched might wear in one of the earlier series, before they realised she was a sex symbol.
Rita also wears a fig apron over the top of her fig dress.
She clutches a clay bowl and is mixing something in it that would appear to be made from bananas.
On the mantlepiece and windowsill are shells crafted to resemble porcelin figures.

Rita
Gosh, Stanley, are you still watching that wrestling?

Stan
Oh, Rita. Do you mind if I bring a few friends
over tonight to watch the football game?

Rita
But it's my sewing class tonight.

Stan
Well why don't you have your sewing class in
the study and me and the fellas will stay in here.

Rita
Okay, sweetheart.

She pecks his cheek.

Clock wipe.

Stan and several baboons watch some ants running around in the bamboo cage.
Through the hallway, Rita attempts to teach bush-babies how to embroider testers.

Clock wipe.

Rita is tidying up.
Stan is eating a sandwich. Within the slices of bread are what appear to be elaborately coloured feathers.

Rita
Well that's that mess cleared up. That's the last time
I'm letting you have a boys night in our living room.

Stan
Oh, Rita.

Rita
With all the noise we barely got any sewing done at all.

Stan
We kept it down as much as we could. It was a big game.

Rita
Hmm. Well have a good afternoon at the office, wont you...

Stan
Sure, dear.

Pecks on cheeks.

EXT - DESERT ISLAND - DAY

Stan walks down the garden path and into the sea.

INT - HOUSE - DAY

Rita goes into a little room, the door of which she unlocks with a twig.
In the room is a large bamboo cage. Inside is Mitch Carabina. Her hair is wet and she is gagged. Her hands and feet are tethered to the bars.
She wears a pair of shells and a clump of feathers. She girates frantically. Rita removes the gag carefully.

Mitch
...you evil demented psychopathic...

Rita pinches Mitch's nose and feeds her some seed. Mitch bites Rita's hand.

Rita
Bitch!

She knocks Mitch unconscious and replaces the gag.
We follow Rita out of the room.
Rita locks the door again.
Fade to black.

Advert break:

INT - MR CHOPS - DAY

Ant, Jim2, Est & Jemimah (Janet Ellis) appear on screen.

Ant
Sick of greasy stains in your kitchen?

Jim2
Tired of all that gunk clogging up the plughole?

Est
Fed up of having to do the bathroom all the time?

Jemimah
Cleaning up couldn't be easier with... a cleaning lady.

An old woman wanders around, grumpily, beating the wall with her stick and going "Ooh" a lot.

Jim2
Yes. Cleaners are fast and efficient, and completely service-free.

Ant
Remember, Cleaning ladies are not available in the shops.

Jemimah
To order your own cleaning lady now, call free on 0898 882832.

Est
Call today and receive this wonderful pen set.

Cut.

INT - MAGIC SHOP - DAY

Tim is stood in his shop.

Tim
Ha! Herro! Come to my magick shop!

Cut.

Record ad: Voice over by Nicholas Parsons:

Parsons
Yours to own now, on cartridge, for the first
time ever... ... Santana's Symphony for a Frog.

Shots of Santana straining with his guitar.

Parsons
Available from all good record shops, while stocks last.

Cut.

INT - STUDIO
Econ (Phil Daniels) and Tomy.

Tomy
Listen up, and listen up good.

Econ
The New Soap will be available to buy on DVD from February.

Tomy
Yeah.

Econ
It will be priced at $352.95

Tomy
Yeah.

Econ
It will last three seconds due to copyright problems.

Tomy
Yeah.

Econ
Buy it, or I'll send Tomy round to
your house to play on your computer.

Tomy
I like most games.

Econ
Yeah.

Cut.
End of ad break.

Fade up on:

INT - STUDENT HOUSE - NIGHT

Dark, squalid, student accomidation - the same house that was owned by Frizzard in Ep.2.
Igor (Geoff Drewitt) and Alana (Shirley Manson) are playing scrabble.
They are wrapped in blankets. They are shivering. The scrabble tiles are frosty.
The sequence is filmed through a blue filter.
Frizzard (Clive Dunn) lets himself in.

Frizzard
Hey, this carpet's coming up. Go out and repair it.
And if you can't repair it, get yourself down to
Mike's carpets and get a new one. A good one.

Alana
We have no money.

Igor
We are mere students.

Frizzard
Are you using blankets again?

He rips away the blankets.

Frizzard
I've told you! No blankets!

He sets the blankets on fire with his lighter.

The two students lean pitifully towards the flame.

 Frizzard
I've come for my rent.

Alana
We can no longer afford it. Ever since you made us pay
for that loft conversion we have been heavily in debt.

Frizzard
Well this Scrabble set ought to fetch something.

He tears up the board. The tiles stay on, attatched by the frost.
Make much use of mise en scene with the scrabble words.
The following words should be included on the special edition release:
Dafydd, Paul, Chris, Tanya, The, Mole, Is, Female, If, Sedate, Tmesis, Plinth, Antidisestablishmentarianism, Guiness, Jzyqxky.

Frizzard
And I'm sure I could get a few quid for these
clothes you're wearing. Come on. Take them off.

The students reluctantly strip.

 Frizzard
Everything.

Naked. And cold.

Frizzard
Right then. Let's take a peek at this loft conversion...

He heads up the stairs.
He comes across a great oak door. He fiddles with some keys. The door creaks open and a blinding white light shines out.

Peter Simon stands a few yards in. He wears a turban:

EXT - HEAVEN - DAY

Peter
Ah, Frizzard. About bloody time you showed up.

Frizzard
Something a-matter, Pete?

Peter
This bloody loft conversion. What were you thinking?!

Frizzard
What's up? Don't you like it?

Peter
You seem to be forgetting that your loft contained
the judaeo-christian after-life... well it did.

Frizzard
I fancied a change.

Peter
Well you got one!

Pontius Pilate (John Thaw) runs up. He wears a yashmak.

Pilate
Hey, Pete. You better come quick. There's real trouble!

Peter
What?

Pilate
It's God... He's run out of peanuts!

Peter runs towards a large Indian temple at the centre of a beautiful moat. On a pillar to the left of shot, Roy W (Roy Walker dressed as Roy Wood) plays a flute.
He leaps up when he sees Peter.

Roy W
You gotta do something. He's real mad.

INT - TEMPLE

Inside, God (voice of Brian Blessed) is stomping around. He has an abundence of limbs and the head of an elephant.

God
Give me more peanuts!

Peter
Lord! We have run out of peanuts.

God
What?!

Peter
We have doughnuts.

God
I have no desire to know about your doughnuts.

Frizzard enters.

God
Frizzard?

Frizzard
He remembers me.

God
Of course I remember you... I'm god!

Frizzard
Of course.

God
I'm really pissed off with you.

Frizzard
Me?

God
Yes. You.

Frizzard
Why?

God
Why do you think? You moron.

God thwacks Frizzard round the head with his trunk.
Frizzard falls backwards down the stairs into his house, slamming against the kitchen door, rolling through the kitchen, down the cellar steps and breaking through the cellar door into the flames of hell.
Alana and Igor rush to the cellar and bask in the heat.

  Narrator (disinterestedly)
Meanwhile, our heroes have managed to escape their predicament
and have located AV Woman and Con Man in their holiday villa in Spain.

EXT - VILLA PATIO - DAY

Con Man (Bill Oddie)
We're just after a quiet life. We've retired now.

Anna
Please! We need your help.

AV Woman (Judi Dench)
Really, our powers aren't what they were in the old days.

Con Man
And what with my arthritis.

Jim
It's the psychological edge we need
more than anything else really...

AV Woman
Okay... we'll help you. but just this once.

Chris kisses AV Woman passionately. The kiss lasts three days. AV Woman is stunned afterwards.

Jim
Okay then... to Siddor...

Caption:
Meanwhile, deep in the flames of hell

INT - CAVERN (the same one as in Ep.5)

Frizzard stands, cap in hand before a huge throne. We do not see who occupies the throne.

Voice
(of the person who occupies the throne, who we do not see)
Frizzard. You have been sent before me on a matter of great delicacy.

Frizzard
I - I...

Voice
I understand you have upset 'him upstairs'.

Frizzard
Er...

Voice
Well, here in hell we like people like you.

Frizzard
You do?

Voice
Yes. Allow me to welcome you to hell.

Two scantily clad women come up to Frizzard and rub themselves against him.

Voice
Most people expect hell to be nasty and unpleasant. This simply
is not true. Hell is a place for all those people who didn't believe
in god, and frankly, they were right. He never existed.

Frizzard
But...

Voice
Funny that, isn't it. Anyway, here's the place where people who
know how to enjoy themselves come. Up there was for the loonies
who like singing dull hymns, for the warmongers who blow up busses
 full of people who aren't thei own faith. Heaven is a place full of
bloodshed and hatred. Hell is full of entertainment, peace and love.

Frizzard
Hippies?

Voice
Yeah. But if you don't like them you need
never meet them. What is your vice?

Frizzard
I like torturing students...

Voice
What?! Oh, of course... you're a believer aren't you.

Frizzard
That's right.

Voice
I nearly forgot. You just got on the wrong side of god.

Frizzard
Yes.

Voice
I mean I just said it myself earlier while I was welcoming you.

Frizzard
Did you?

Voice
Yes. I should've known. Oh, well, you're a nasty piece of
work. We don't want you here. If we had you here, in
no time at all you'll be organising coffee mornings and
marches and things. We can't have that. It just won't do...

Frizzard
What?

Voice
No, there's only one place for people like you.

Frizzard
Wha-

Voice
Take him... to Leeds!

Frizzard
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo-
ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

Voice
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!

Narrator
Back to our main feature, and Siddor is getting attacked
by the two ancient super heroes and the regular New Soap cast.
How do you get away with this shit...?

EXT - WALMGATE STRAY - NIGHT

Siddor getting beaten up by the crowd of people:
AVWoman, Conman, Jim, Alex, Leon, Caroline, Sally, Alan, Babysham, Chris, Anna.
I think that's it. Yeah... Oh. The pineapple's there too.

Narrator (intensely bored)
This went on for several hours... until:

Siddor
Alright, alright! I'll be good. Okay? But these two old people are
 fed up with their pub. They don't want it anymore. They want to retire.

AV Woman
He's right, you know.

Jim
We'll buy it.

Siddor
You can't afford it.

Jim
I can. I'm rich.

Leon
He is.

Siddor
But you are my son. I cannot sell my son a pub.

Jim
Why not?

Siddor
Instead, I will bequeath you the pub in my
will. And Anna, you can have my gas mask.

Anna
Thankyou.

Sally
But that could be ages.

Siddor
You are young and foolish. Death can come
at will. And my time on this earth is done.

Jim
Father, no!

Siddor
Yeah. It's dull here, and I hear that
hell's got some swinging night spots.

Anna
Don't go yet, father.

She hugs him.

Siddor hugs her.
Then he grabs her in a hostage taking kind of way and points a gun at her head.

Siddor
Alright you sentimental scum! Nobody
move an inch or the chick gets a new ear.

Everybody stands perfectly still.

Siddor
Right. Now I'm going to kill you all. Each and every one of you.

He points his gun at Chris. Chris gets a bullet in the face.
He then shoots Sally in the chest and she crumples to the floor.
He takes out AV Woman and Conman in one shot.
Alan gets it next, then BabySham who shorts out and drops to the floor.

Just Jim, Leon, Caroline, Alex, the pineapple and Anna remain.

Tension.

Caroline clutches the pineapple to her breast. The bullet passes clean through the pair of them.

Alex leaps up with a knife and charges at Siddor. Siddor snaps Anna's neck.
Then Shoots through Alex hitting Jim down with the same shot.

Leon draws a pistol and gets Siddor right in the mask.

Siddor crumples to the floor.

Leon bows his head. He is surrounded by corpses.
After a pause he walks off into the sunset.
As he disappears over the horizon, a flying saucer sillhoette spins over and a white beam shines down to where we would expect Leon to be.
A sillhoetted figure rises up into the ship which zips away into the sky.

Tilt down through the piled bodies and into:

INT - CAVERN

Jim, Alex, Caroline, the pineapple, Babysham, Anna, Sally, Alan and Chris stand before the great throne.

Voice
Hi. Long time no see.

Reveal the voice to be that of Stew (Ewan McGregor).
Stew sits in the throne. He wears a lot of black.
He smiles.

Caroline
Stew?

Stew
You're dead.

Caroline
Why did you become a demon.

Stew
It wasn't my call. My dad wanted someone
to look after this place while Lucy was away.

Caroline
You just left without a word...

Stew
I left a clone in my place.

Caroline
You can't sustain a relationship that way.

Stew
I guess not. But I bet you'd never have noticed
if pillock features here hadn't've done him in.

Alex
Demons are bad.

Stew
It's not your fault I suppose, really.

Jim
So we're in hell.

Stew
Yeah. But hell's the good place. You can do what you
like here. You get to live out your dreams. It's brill.

Alex
I think you're confusing that with heaven.

Stew
No. Heaven's full of religious fundamentalists, terrorists,
murderers, racists... that sort of thing. Come on, you
were there yourself. The only fun thing in heaven was
Che F's hot-dog stall, and even that was a bit grotty.

BabyS
Well it's good to see you, anyway.

Stew
Yeah... well, my time here is done I'm afraid.

Jim
What?

Stew
I was only standing in for Lucy.

 Lucy enters.

 Lucy is played by Sarah Michelle Gellar.

Lucy
Hi, folks.

They return the greeting.

Stew
No, I'd love to stop around, but...
duty calls. I'm needed upstairs.

Sally
What about me?

Stew
Dad say's you can fuck off. He wants
you to stay here, out of the way.

Sally
Sounds good to me.

Stew
But I have to be getting away. I have to look after the nutcases
up there... and Mary needs me too. I need her for that matter.

Jim
Where's Leon?

Stew
Leon's fine. Leon is with all the other Leons on Glecon. Look,
there's something I have to tell you.. All this... all this exists.

Jim
What?

Stew
But I don't. I never did. I never will. None of that up there is real.
Once you know that, and get on with real life... with you where you
are in yourselves, with yourselves... then all for the better. You exist.

BabyS
I don't understand.

Stew
It doesn't matter. I have to go.

Jim
You can't stay a little longer?

Stew
No. Sorry. You will understand, BabySham. Sorry. Bye.

Stew is crying.
 
 

BabyS
Bye.

All
Bye.

Stew fades from existence.

Alan
Did any of you get that?

Jim
No, not really.

Lucy
I think he'd been sniffing the sulphur, to be honest...

Alan
Ah.

Out of the flames rises Robert Wyatt behind an organ.

He sings and plays:

Robert:
Peter's on piano and I may play on drums
And we try to make the music
We'll try to have some fun,
But I just can't help thinking
That if you were here with me
I'd get all my thoughts in focus
And play more excitingly.

I love you still, Caroline.
 I want you still, Caroline.
I need you still, Caroline.

Several demons enter and augment the music.

Robert:
 If you call this sentimental crap
You'll make me mad
Because you know that I would not sing
About some passing fad.

Demons:
 Doo doo, doo doo

Robert:
And if my attempts of rhyming
Aren't convincing to your ear
Then memory's betrayed you
 Through the passing of the year.

Alex holds a tearful Caroline who clutches her baby into her neck

Robert:
I love you still, Caroline.
I want you still, Caroline.
I need you still, Caroline.

 You must think it doubtful
  That I mean the words I sing
Or that all attempts to reach you this way
 Could not mean a thing

Demons:
Doo doo doo doo

Robert:
But you must admit we both thought
We'd be man and wife
And that I could make you happy
For the best part of your life.

Demons sing chorus again.

Stew
(VO)
Goodbye, Caroline. Love Percy for me...

Caroline
(tearfully, to camera)
You don't exist!

Music cuts out suddenly, before end.
 Cut to black.

AV Woman Productions MM.
 Written by Jesper & Jesper.
Special sequence by Lee Pilich.

  Fade up in:

INT - MORTUARY - NIGHT

Two anonymous morticians zip up a bag over Barnie the cleaner's face.

They push in the drawer.

The label on the draw says "The End."

Episode Seven Part Two

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