EPISODE SEVEN:
PART TWO:

Trailer break. Then:

EXT - YORK UNIVERSITY - DAY

Comp Gen. futuristic central hall seen from Goodricke Beach.
Statues on the Goodricke Plaza. Behind which is a vast lake.
Beyond the lake is the magnificent Central Hall, the plexiglass extension not visible from the current angle.
From the centre of the lake rises an enormous stainless steel rose which opens before us.

Focus on a group of students who are making their way towards central hall from Vanbrugh.
We track within the student ensemble as they talk about stuff in general.

Dialogue is ad libbed at this point.

As the collective reach Central Hall, we see that the ancient concrete walls are beginning to shake.
The students have not noticed this.

A moorhen darts suddenly across the bridge. It squawks frantically and takes clumsily to the air for a few yards before flopping into the water in a panicked splosh.
Ducks and coots enter a chaotic fervour. Something is amiss.

The walls are not shaking as the students notice the unusual action of the waterfowl.

Student1
What's wrong with the ducks?

Student2
Dunno...

The wall shakes again.

Student3
Hey... guys... look...

The wall shakes a lot.

The camera gradually rounds the approaching corner, panning as it does so.

From behind the vibrating masonry appears first one goose, then another, then another.

Reveal the hall surrounded by Greylags. The geese stand proudly. They bow their heads in rhythm.
They are at one with each other and the central hall.

Central hall perceptively rises a few inches.

Much gurgling and bubbling from the adjoining muddy waters.

All around, seagulls circle in panic.

Central Hall rises gradually. The students run.

A mass of geese edge into their path and block their way.

The students turn promptly and dash the other way.

More phantom geese step into view.

The students turn and look each way.

The geese edge forwards.

Shot of students on the bridge, with two sets of geese approaching them from both sides.

In background central hall rises completely out of the ground. It wobbles slightly.
An unnatural orange glow can be seen between the bottom of the building and the ground.

Parts of the building are spinning... slowly at first, but gaining speed... like a helicopter rotor.

The students exchange worried glances. The geese edge closer. The students dive into the water.

The geese peer over the side of the bridge.

Central Hall rises high over the campus.

Shot of this from below water level.

A very large fish swims past the camera.

Students have re-grouped in the water. They have slimey hair and algae on their faces.

In the water, big scary fish circle the students like sharks might.

The students are clearly scared.

The geese circle is still in formation, worshipping the hovering building.

There is a loud crash

The camera goes black.

INT - PRETTY LITTLE COTTAGE - DAY

Camera rises from back of sofa. We see the backs of  the heads of two old people.
Between their heads can be seen the TV set. It is showing an old episode of the New Soap.

The old couple look at each other and smile.

Old Woman is Anna in latex make-up. Old Man is Craig, also aged with latex.

CAPTION: "Hell"

The old couple hold hands.

Narrator (Anna Ford):
"Little do Anna and Craig know that at any second they will
receive a letter that will change their lives... forever..."

The old couple kiss... ...passionately.

Shot of a letter coming through the door. The envelope is white. The italic handwritten text reads: Craig and Anna Branwell.

The letter falls on the mat.

Passionate noises over.

Cardigans and reinforced Y-Fronts fly into shot and obscure the envelope.

EXT - THE ABADONNA HOTEL - NIGHT

Establish (neon sign or something with name on).

INT - THE ABADONNA HOTEL

A waiter approaches a table near the centre of the room.

Waiter (Bob Holness)
Your bill sir. Oh, and a letter has arrived for you.

The letter and bill are taken by Alan.

Alan
Oh. Thankyou. Now what could this be?

Alan is sat by a bookish looking woman in glasses with her hair back.

Woman (Juliet Landau)
Were you expecting any news?

Alan
Er. well no. Oh well, I'll look at that later. Oh. Oh dear.

Woman
What is it?

Alan
Er... it's very expensive here, isn't it.

Woman
Sorry?

Alan
Er.

He draws out his wallet and fishes through. He lays out twenty pounds in assorted notes. Then he plucks out a few pound coins.

Woman
Are you alright for money?

Alan
Er.. yes.. I think so...

He shakes his wallet over the table. Coppers roll around the place.
He starts scooping them and counting them out.

Woman
How much is it?

Alan
Sorry? Er... oh... It's er... um...
fifty-seven pounds ninety-eight.

Woman
Well, are you sure you've got enough?

Alan
Oh yes. Er. Yes. Hang on. I've got it.

He draws out a series of credit-cards.

The waiter returns.

Alan
Ah, waiter. Do you perchance,
perhaps happen to accept Rhino-Card?

Alan reveals a piece of yellow plastic with a rhino on and smiles beside it.

The waiter takes the card and looks at it, rotating it in his hand.

Waiter
Sir. Zis is a library card.

Alan
What? Is it?

He plucks it back. He fingers it somewhat. He examines it carefully. It is not the Rhino-card we initially saw.
The rhino is now a goose. The card says University of York Library Card on it.

Alan grins embarresedly.

Woman
It's okay, dear. I've got some money.

Alan
No.. no.. it's fine. I'll sort this
out. It's my fantasy after all.

Woman
Sorry?

Alan
What? Er, nothing. Erm. Excuse me waiter,
do you mind if I have a quiet word with you?

Waiter
Sir?

Alan
(whispers)
Would you like to give us this meal for free?

Waiter
Sir?

Alan
I mean... You know... forget about the bill and everything?

Waiter
Sir!

Woman
Here. Take this.

The woman hands the waiter a red credit card.

Waiter
Thankyou madam.

He smiles at the woman then turns and glares at Alan before stepping away.

Alan
Look. I'm really sorry about that. Here. Take this.

He tries to give her the money.

Woman
No. No. Look, it's alright. You weren't to know it'd
be so expensive. And I had a really great night.

Alan
Yes?

Woman
Yes. It's been lovely.

Alan
It's not over yet.

Woman
Sorry?

Alan
We could go to a pub or something... the cinema?

Woman
I'm not sure...

Alan
Back to my place to watch a video or something... or just talk...

Woman
I don't think so...

Alan
Was it the bill? Was that the problem?

Woman
What?

Alan
Why you wont stay...

Woman
No. I... it's been a great night. Let's not spoil it.

Alan
It wouldn't spoil it.

Woman
Look. Really. Let's just leave it here.

Waiter
Your card madam.

Woman
Thankyou

She picks her handbag up and makes to leave. Alan puts out his hand to stop her.

Alan
Please. I love you.

Woman
We only met three hours ago. You don't even know me.

Alan
I'm very perceptive.

Woman
What?

Alan
I mean, I know you work at the library.

Woman
Yes.

Alan
And I know where you live.

Woman
I'm going. It was nice. The meal. But I have to go.

She walks quickly out.

Alan chases after her.

Alan
Sorry. That sounded bad.

Woman
 Ha.

EXT - OUTSIDE THE HOTEL - NIGHT

In the street. The Woman tries to cross the road - waiting for a break in the traffic.

Alan
Look. I'm sorry. Just say you'll see me again.

Woman
What?!

Alan
Call me at least...

Woman
You're sick.

Alan
What?!

Woman gives up crossing the road and heads up the street.
A black car makes to pull up as Alan chases on after her.

Alan
Look, I'm sorry about the bill and
everything. I mean.. I'll pay you back.

Woman
You're crazy.

EXT - DARK ALLEY-WAY - CONT.

Alan
No. I'm not crazy. It's just... I love you.

Woman
Leave me alone. You're scaring me.

Alan
No. Don't be scared. I'm not scary. I'm not a scary person.

Last line said with CU low angle shot; face bathed in streetlighting.

Woman
Please. Just go.

Woman realises she has taken a wrong turn and reached a dead end.

She stands, then turns back along towards Alan.

Alan
Please... I'm sorry.

Woman
Get out of my way.

Alan
 Look...

Woman
 Get out of my way. Please.

She is crying.

Alan
What? No, don't cry.

He grabs her by the arm, to comfort her.

Woman
 Argh!

Alan
Sorry...

Woman
 Help!

Alan
 Shh! I'm not trying to hurt you.

Woman
 HE-

Alan covers her mouth.

Woman
mm-mm-murghmmm!

Alan
Please...

Alan looks for a wall to lean her against so he might calm her down.

He places her against a nearby wall.

Woman gags. Alan looks puzzled. Blood trickles from between his hand and her mouth. He pulls his hand away. There is much blood.

Alan is confused. Eventually he sees that he has inadvertantly stabbed her with a sharp object that was protruding from the wall - a pipe or  bracket or something.

Alan slips down her body.
He cries and screams.
It is raining on him.

Fade to Black

EXT - THE HOTEL - CONT.

Night time, raining.
A black car has pulled up outside the Abadonna Hotel.

Out steps Jim wearing a posh suit. He holds his hand out to help Caroline from the car. Caroline is slightly different to how we remember her.
Her nose is a little prettier, and her hair better coiferred and browner.
She wears a small black satin dress.

The two of them link arms and enter the hotel.

INT - HOTEL - CONT.

Tim is on reception.

Tim
Ah! Herro Mister Ballett!

Jim
Good evening, Tim. I trust our table is ready.

Tim
Celtainry, sir. Oh. You have some mail arso mister Ballett sir.

Jim
Oh right. Thankyou.

Jim opens a white envelope with fancy writing on it, and produces a similarly styled letter.

Caroline
What is it, dear?

Jim
It's from Leon.

Caroline
Leon?

Jim
Yes. You remember Leon.

Caroline
Yes. I remember Leon. What does it say?

Jim
It says: "Jim & Caroline Barrett, you are formally
invited to a get together at the Great Hall of Calvados in
three cycles time to reminisce about the past and work
out how to save the universe from its impending destruction."
He also mentions cataclysms and bloody death in there.

Caroline
Shall we go then?

Jim
I think we ought to really.

Caroline
Okay then.

The two of them step into the restraunt. They sit at a table at the edge of the room.
As they sit, the camera picks up on a passing waiter and tracks along with him as he makes his way to a table near the centre of the room.
He spies an envelope that has been left on the table.
It has fancy writing on it that says "Alan Quinn".
He plucks the envelope up, and puts it in his pocket. He then walks away.

EXT - DARK CITY-SCAPE - NIGHT

Baby Sham stalks through the high fire-escapes, and down through dark alleyways.
Lengthy sequence - long enough to get Alan out of the way...
Babysham inadvertantly comes across the corpse of the woman Alan was dating, slumped in a heap in the alley, blood all over her.

BabySham touches the blood and tastes it. He looks up. He spies a fire-escape and makes his way up it.

His electronic eye glows in the night.

He reaches a rooftop and makes his way across it. He suddenly stops.
He turns round. He sees nothing. He moves on.
After a short burst of movement he stops again, and turns.
Cut to a shot some several yards behind him. See him leap up into a scafolding area around a chimney. He can no longer be seen in the darkness.
Camera tracks forward (POV of persuer) and reaches the scafolding.
Peer up. See cold blue glow of eye for a split second and then eye increases in size as the black shadowy body of BabySham leaps upon us from above, scaring us a bit.

Noises of guns cocking, whirrings etc. Pan round to reveal BabySham stood, holding a gun to the head of a young woman with long brown hair.

Woman
Wait wait!

BabySham
Willow?

Reveal woman to be Willow (Alyson Hannigan), Babysham's secretary.

Willow
BabySham.

BabyS
What are you doing here?

Willow
There's a letter come for you.

BabyS
Why didn't you use the com link?

Willow
The server's down.

BabyS
Oh. Right.

He puts his gun away, and Willow stands up and dusts herself off.

BabyS
Couldn't it have waited?

Willow
It was marked Urgent.

BabyS
Oh. Let me see...

Willow passes him a letter.

BabyS
I see.

Willow
Yes. Leon wants us to all get together and save the universe.

BabyS
You read it?

Willow
Yes.

BabyS
Oh. Right. Whatever.

Willow
Fancy a game of Yellow Pages?

BabyS
Okay.

Pan across the dark ghetto. Lots of garish neon.
High up above the skyscrapers is a gothic tower. Black.
Crane up the tower, through dark clouds. Peer through dark window.

At the end of a long, ebony table, sits Alex.
He wears black.
He wears a long leather coat.
He is eating eyeballs.

INT - TOWER - NIGHT

From a large gothic doorway behind him appears Alana.
She stretches gracefully.
She wears black lace.
Her hair is white with black bits.
Her make up is heavy and black, her skin is pale.
She slinks forward and stretches her arms around Alex's shoulders, revealing her long black
nails in all their glory.
Alex raises his head and gnaws at her neck.
She stretches beyond human capacity, her body a perfect arc.

As the two do all this business, a black-bird flaps in from another arch-window. It lands clumsily on the table before the couple. It squawks a bit.

Alex
What is this?

Alana
A bringer of news, dearest.

Alex grabs the bird and twists its leg a bit drawing away a note. He throws the bird over his head and it flies away.

Alex reads the note.

Alana
Is the news good, my prescious?

Alex
No dear. It is grave word from Leon.

Alana
Leon?

Alex
You don't know him.

Alana
I have seen him in my dreams. He is a great man: Seven
feet tall. Many arms. The strength to kill eighteen doctors.

Alex
That is not Leon you have seen, my jibbering beauty.

Alana
No? He calls himself Leon.

Alex
Does he?

Alana
Or is it Simon...?

Alex
Never mind, oh shadowy shellfish, my petal, my love...
It is news from Leon. Something dark is afoot.

Alana
Dark?!

Alex
Yes.

Alana
Ooh. Dark...

Alex
Indeed, my satanic breakfast cereal... blacker than marzipan!

Alana
And what would this Simon have us do with this dark?

Alex
His name is Leon, dear... and as for his plans, he does not say...
Other than that we are to meet with him in thirteen cycles time...

Alana
Thirteen?

Alex
Yes, my crab-stick of delight.

Alana
Does he say what we should wear?

Alex
No, my sourpuss.

Alana
Then I shall wear my finest dress!

Alex
Yes! Yes!

Alana
The pink one with the bows!

Alex
Ye- what?

Alana
Oh please.....

Alex
Very well my carbonised treasure chest.

Alana
Ah... my clammy loveliness, you are a dear.

She nibbles his ear ravishingly.

Fade to black.

EXT - BEAUTIFUL NORTH YORKSHIRE VISTA - SUNSET

Rolling hills, and distant mountains, sheep, dry-stone walls, attractive folleys dotted hither and thither amongst cottages.
A purple sunset, alot of cloud. A beautiful daytime half moon hangs above a grey crag.
Zoom in gradually on crag to show above it, a knoll onwhich Sally lies on a blanket.
From a nearby cave appears a tall dark gentleman (Johnny Depp). He is carrying two pewter tankards.
He sits beside Sally, and hands her one of the tankards. They kiss.

Sally
Thanks, Zed.

POV of opposing, equally beautiful vista:
more lush fields, a lake sits between the valley of two mountains, a flock of geese flies over the top left hand corner.

The night falls, and we timelapse to the young couple lying in each others arms on the blanket as morning breaks; a pair of little badgers snuggled beside them.

In the hazy distance behind comes the ting of a bicycle bell, as a sillhouetted figure rides over the crest of the hill towards the sleeping pair.

The postman's head is quite unusual. A very large nose, and a shock of ginger hair pertruding from his Royal Mail Issue cap.

Postman Pat (William Hurt)
Hullo, Mr & Mrs Yorke!

The couple stir.

Pat
Oh dear... sorry to be waking you so early...
only I've got a parcel for you to sign for.

Sally
Hmm?

Zed
I wonder what it could be...

Sally signs the paper and receives a long box in exchange.
She opens it and finds a beautiful bouquet of flowers inside. The card reads "Yfere".

Zed
Happy Valentines Day, sweetheart.

Sally kisses Zed and the two hug.

Pat turns to leave.

Pat
Oh. I nearly forgot. This came for you too.

He hands her a letter.

The white envelope has Sally Yorke written on in sweeping italic black ink.

She opens it tentatively.

As she draws out the letter, the sun goes in.

She reads.

She turns to Zed.

Sally
Hey, it's from Leon. You remember I told you about Leon.

Zed
Yes.

Sally
He's invited us to a reunion.

Zed
Oh. Wow! When?

Sally
Oh. It says something bad has happened.

Zed
What?

Sally
I don't know. Hang on. Something that could thresh the
wold's barley or something. The hand writing is really bad.

Zed
Let me see... Threaten the world's population, it says.

Sally
Really?

Zed
Yes.

Sally
Wow. Heavy.

Zed
Yes.

Sally
What's that say?

Zed
What?

Sally
That bit there.

Zed
The universe could go plop?

Sally
Yeah, that's what I thought it said.

Pat
Plop?

Sally
Hmm. And blood will run through the
valleys of hell... Hey. That's here!

Zed
Heavy.

Sally
Yeah.

Pat
Blood?

Sally
I think that's what it says. Oh, and all the people everywhere
will suddenly think that Gloria Hunniford is talented.

Zed
Who?

Sally
Someone very bad I've never told you about. Oh. It's alright
though... apparently that's just speculation. Leon has a habbit
of going over the top. Anyway, he says we're to meet in the
Great Hall of Calvados on the thirteenth turn of the Screw.

Zed
Wow, that's like only a couple of
months. Does he say he wants a reply?

Sally
Not that I can see.

Zed
Oh. Right. Can I come?

Sally
Yeah, you're invited. I don't
think you are though, Pat.

Pat
It's alright, I've got a date with Miss Hubbard that night.

Sally
Oh. Right.

Zed
Any news on the Trumpton massacre?

Pat
Apparently there was a message
scrawled in blood on the clock.

Sally
Urgh.

Pat
It read "I am Windy Miller and you are the wind."

Sally
Urgh.
<same footage>

Zed
Do they think it's him then?

Pat
Dunno. He'd have to be pretty stupid to sign his name.

Sally
You'd have thought.

New shot, distant, from behind the cave:
POV of someone watching them talking.
Reverse angle to show Windy Miller (Mark Curry), a demonic expression on his face, clutching a bag of flour.
He brings up a knife in his other hand and slashes the bag, leaving a white line against the cave entrance wall.

Fade to black.

Initiate another trailer break. Include within it (but not at the beginning) the following sequence.

PG Trailer for 15 film

Bond music. Bond gun barrel motif. Barrel centres on Chris (Christian Slater) in bond stance. Gunshot. Chris mock-dies.

Bond style tension music.

CAPTION:
This Summer...

Shots of Chris setting bombs, jumping out of helicopters etc

CAPTION:
A familliar face...

Shots of Chris runnig through tunnels and talking to G-Men in bunkers

CAPTION:
Returns to set hearts racing...

Shots of Chris in romantic and life threatening situations with Sai (Yoko Ono) interspersed with flashing red 7-LED bomb countdown (5 sec).

EXPLOSION.

Chris and Sai leap out and run a lot.

NEW SOAP THEME MUSIC IN ACTION MOVIE RENDITION

CAPTION:
Christian Slater

Shot of Chris looking cool.

CAPTION:
Yoko Ono

Shot of Sai looking like Yoko Ono.

CAPTION:
Tomorrow Never Greaves.

Shots of Chris and Sai in an aeroplane reading a letter with italic fancy handwriting.

Two big guns move into shot, and several flaming naked ladies prance about.

ANOTHER BIG EXPLOSION

Caption Card:

Frank Skinner, Hugh Hopper, Jean Reno: The New Soap T.N.G.; An AV Woman
Production; Heather Nova, Vincent Perez, Deborah McAndrew, Guy Pearce, Christopher
Eccleston, Tom Baker. Music by Steph Jesper, Heather Nova and Trevor
Wishart; Produced by AVWoman; Directed by Steph Jesper.

T - N - G