EPISODE EIGHT:
PART ONE:

EXT - DARK STREETS et al - NIGHT

It is raining. A lilting sax plays over.
Shots of running feet:
Army boots and a long PVC coat draping by them, flying up in the wind.
Music: fast bass comes up under sax.

High speed cutting:
Feet from Right. Overhead. Rear-view. Feet from behind, pan left on tracks. Pull back. Overhead. Twisty manouver to front shot distant.
Reveal that the runner is BabySham (Guy Pearce). He wears a long, armless, grey PVC tunic, and the rest of his clothes are black and indiscernable.
His hair is plastered over his face.
From behind a pair of fashionable glasses his left eye glows blue.
Strapped across his back is a small arsenal of weaponry. Some of them have LEDs on that glow.
He carries a gun in one hand and a baby in the other.
He leaps a great distance onto a fire-escape ladder, grabbing it with the few available fingers on his gun toting hand. Then he slides up.
Shot from the roof of a building over city-scape.
BabyS summersaults into view and lands in a bounty-hunter squat on the roof.
He starts running across the gables.

Intercut:
Music: seedy sax with no bass.
A figure (Malcom McLaren) stands in a shady backstreet, engrossed  in some clandestine deal with an unseen figure in the shadows.
Cut back with bass driven music.
BabyS running across the rooves, occasionally leaping from building to building.
Closeup of money changing hands.
Front shot of BabyS leaping at the camera from a higher building and then running through chimnies.
Closeup of white powder changing hands.
BabyS slides down a fire escape.
Closeup of a CD changing hands.
BabySham leitmotif music getting more and more exciting:
BabyS diving at telephone cables. He grips them and comando-slides along them to a lower fire-escape across the alley.
Closeup of a briefcase changing hands.
BabyS somersaulting about the fire-escapes.
Two hands shaking. The left hand draws away, but takes the right one with it.
The right hand has detatched from its body. The left returns the hand to the other right hand.
The right character slopes off, leaving Malcom MacLaren.
Malcom walks down the alley. Lilting sax.
Suddenly he is leapt on from BabySham. Action music. BabySham theme.

Malcom
Arghhhh!

BabyS
I have you n...

INT - CINEMA (the one from Ep.5) - NIGHT

The film reel flaps about, the screen goes black, and the sound dies.
The auditorium curtains are closed.

 Much murmurring from audience.

Voice Over
(Vincent Ibrahim)
We are dreadfully sorry that the film has just broken.
It is with many thousand appologies that we inform you
that that particular reel is now capput. While we find some
sellotape please remain calm and seated and enjoy the
following short picture and I will be thanking you very much.

Curtain opens.

Shot of:

EXT - BEAUTIFUL VISTA (perhaps the one from last episode) - NIGHT

An Indian woman (Meera Syal) in sari stands on a cliff.
An Asian man (Sanjeev Bhaskar) approaches her cautiously. Banghra music.

Man singhs in Navaho.

 Subtitles:

Man
What are you doing? You could fall off the cliff!

Woman
I want to fall off the cliff.

Man
Why do you want to fall off the cliff.

Woman
Because I love you so...

Man
Is it something to do with my gerbil?

Woman
I am allied to Lossit.

Man
I can take him back to the pet shop.

Woman
Please. Stop loving me.

Man
Come here.

Woman
I must not.

Man
Go on.

Woman
No.

Man
Please.

Woman
It is not right.

Man
Just a step. Just for a second.

Woman
No.

Man
You can go back to the edge afterwards.

Woman
Okay.

She steps towards him. He grabs her, and holds her, and sings some more...

Man
I love you a lot.

Woman
Yes yes... but Lossit...

Man
I don't love Lossit.

Woman
No. But...

Man
And I'll take the gerbil back!

Woman
Then I am yours!

Man
Nothing can stand between us.

Woman
Our love is eternal.

At this point the film melts.

INT - CINEMA - CONT.

Curtains shut again. That's all we really see of the place, the curtains.
If this is ever shown in a cinema, we'll cut the curtains out.
They can do the curtains much better themselves. Oh yes. Mm.

Voice Over
Oh dear. Well, that film appears to have melted slightly. Ooh.
It is all icky over the projector now. Hmm well. In that case,
please will you be not making much annoyance over the inhouse
music while we get the sellotaping done to the other film if you please.

Radiohead - Exit Music plays.

Song finishes.

Voice over:
Dave Dee Trellis (Steph Jesper)
Hi! I'm Dave Dee Trellis, the hairy anchor,
and you're listening to WKFM, the best in
music and film reviews for you to eat your
popcorn to as you watch those crazee adverts!

There is a moan from the audience.

DDT (VO)
Coming up we have tonight's feature presentation,
but first, here's a great favourite of mine: A-Ha.

The Sun Always Shines on TV.

After the last verse, the curtains re-open, the projector starts up again, fading up on:

INT - THE THEATRE FROM LAST EPISODE - NIGHT

A-Ha performing their hit song.
They finish the song.

They smile.

Then they start playing Take On Me.

We mix to:

INT - WENTWORTH CAFE - YORK UNI - DAY

A young woman (Cameren Diaz) in what looks like a diner, reading a comic.

Take on Me as performed by Samurai 7 takes over.

Reveal that the comic is called The New Soap TNG.

Get a warm feeling.

Reveal the diner to be Wentworth cafe, Uni of York.
See that through the window several geese fly down to earth.
The woman stares blankly out of the window.
Reverse from outside:

EXT - WENTWORTH CAFE and ENVIRONS - DAY

A throng of students pass.

They make their way over Wentworth bridge (by the power of editing),
a rather ramshackled construction that vaiguely resembles that bridge in Indiana Jones.

The sequence is timed so that the song reaches it's crescendo just as the students reach the apex of the bridge. The bridge is a shallow inverted V.
As they reach the middle, the music mixes to a dark and ominous chord of doom.

POV of the students, looking down the bridge to where a large group of geese edge forwards. The geese make their way up the bridge.
There is no room for the students to pass.
The students turn round. Reveal that this side is also blocked by geese.

Music rises majestically as the geese approach the students.

 INT - WENTWORTH CAFE - DAY

Cut to Cameren Diaz biting into a doughnut. A huge wad of jam plops onto the plate.

A nice juicy full-orchestra Bb chord pierces the auditorium as the block of carbolic/starscape classic New Soap Introcard fills the screen.
New Soap Theme in full blown theatrical style.

The lasers etch out the words THE NEW SOAP on the block of soap. Top laser red, bottom laser green. Ah...

When they meet at the centre, the soap explodes sending fragments of carbolic in all directions...
The camera view spins out of control. Three pieces of soap impact with the lens. They have words on them:

TWELVE

NAUGHTY

GEESE

Movie credits roll in New Soap purple bank gothic font as we pull down from the starscape into:

EXT - NORTH YORKSHIRE - NIGHT

Helicoptershot as we fly over North Yorkshire esque vistas. We fly over a steam train as it chugs at 45 degrees to us.
We hook onto street lights and track along into suburbia.
The lights look beautiful from up here, and their magnitude increases as we enter a city. The city is quite garishly neon decked and sleezy.
We focus on a tall domed building (the Corn Exchange in Leeds) as the music comes to an end and segues into establish music.
So then:

EXT - GREAT HALL OF CALVADOS - NIGHT

Caption:
The Great Hall of Calvados. Hell.

Heavy traffic brums past our low angle establish shot of the building.

Reverse angle of other side of street. Alan (Hugh Hopper) is trying to cross.

A blind old woman (Glenda Jackson) approaches the kerb and waves her white stick.

Alan
Can I help you?

Woman
Oh, thankyou young man...

Alan waits for the traffic to slow down.

Alan
Okay.

He walks the woman over the road.

 Woman
You're very kind.

Alan
It's nothing.

Horn blares.

Dramatic music.
Alan looks across worriedly. ECU. ECU of lorry, with all its lights blaring.
Pull out to show that the lorry is at the other side of the traffic island, on the far carriage-way.
It is no threat and the music calms down.

Alan
Oh. It's okay. It's on the other carriageway. Are you o-

Show that the old woman is shaking and clutching her heart.  Music starts again.

Alan
Oh god! Look... come on to the island... are you... er...

He tries to drag her pulsating and wretching body out of the road.  A large black car heads towards them at speed.

Alan makes a dash for the island. He has to let go of the woman.

There is a dull thunking noise out of shot, and Alan is sprayed with red goo. Alan breaks down in the moonlight...

INT - GREAT HALL - NIGHT

There are two big long tables laid out with paper plates and serviettes.
There is some jelly in a bowl. The table cloths are paper and have Mr Men on them.
There are clumps of balloons dotted about. At the centre of each table is a large plate of triangular sandwiches.

Background music is by Be-Bop Deluxe.

Leaning on the far wall is Leon (Jean Reno). He looks at his watch.
Leon is wearing a crumpled black shirt and matching trousers.
Dotted about the room are some other familliar faces:
Alex (Vincent Perez) is sat cross-legged on one of the tables. He is wearing a big long black leather coat.
He is carressing the neck of Alana (Shirley Manson) who has jet black hair with white streaks, and has heavy black make up.
She is wearing a pretty pink dress with bows. Her fingernails are long and black.
Sally (Deborah McAndrew) is leant in a corner, munching on a cheese sandwich. Bits of cheese fall from her mouth.
She is wearing a short black dress with a purple over-shirt, and has long black hair. She is wearing tall black leather boots.
Sat on the floor, by the boots, is Zed (Johnny Depp) who is playing with her hem-line, and catching her cheesey crumbs in his open mouth.
He is wearing jeans and a jumper. His hair is dark and unkempt.
Chris (Christian Slater) is sat in a turned back chair (a la Christine Keeler). He wears a suit.
Sat on the floor infront of him is Sai (Yoko Ono) who is sniffing her hair. She has a lot of black hair.
She wears a black dress with a belt of bullets.
Babysham is stood at the opposite end of the room to Leon.
By his side, in his arm, is Willow (Alyson Hannigan) who has short gingery hair and is wearing a sexy jewish baggy jumper.
By jewish, I don't mean the jumper is embroydered with stars of david or whatever...
I just mean it has a certain "wardrobe of a jewish woman" aspect to it. Mm.

Anna (Julia Carlin) and Craig (Tom Cruise) enter. They are aged using the power of latex. They are supposed to be in their mid seventies.

The record changes to Omnichord by Pram.

Anna wears a floral dress, and Craig wears a brown suit and cardigan.

Sally
Hi!

Anna
Hello everyone!

BabyS
How are you? What's with the wrinkles?

Craig
We're fine.

Anna
We decided to be old because old couples
always seem to have more fun together.

Leon
I see. I don't suppose you came across
anyone else when you came in did you?

Craig
Yeah, we caught a quick glimpse of Jim.

Anna
He disappeared into a toilet block. I thought he must have seen
us but he can't have done. Mind, I didn't recognise him at first.

Sally
He probably didn't recognise you!

BabyS
This is Willow, my secretary.

Willow
Hi.

Anna
Hiya! I'd come over there and meet
you properly, but with me back...

Zed
I'm Zed.

Anna
Sally's husband! Hi!

Sally
This is Anna, Jim's sister, and her man, Craig.

Craig
How do you do.

Alana
(to Alex)
Look at the strange people.

Alex
Yes. They are old. Old people.

Alana
They smell funny.

Alex
Old people do...

Alana
Really?

Alex
Yes.

Leon
Have you met Alana?

Anna
Oh, no... Hi!

Alana
Alex, dearest... are these for me?
I've never had an old person before...

Sally
They've gone kind of insular.

Anna
She's sweet.

Alana smiles sickly sweet...

Note: whenever Alex and Alana talk, the shots will only have them in.
Wierd high-pitched scary Doctor Who style music will play in the background also, giving a slightly frightening atmosphere.
On this occasion, the music is played over Omnichord and almost but not quite blends in.

Leon
Hang on...

Jim and Caroline fall into the room. Jim (Frank Skinner) is as we remember him, only a little thinner on top.
He wears a blue shirt. By his side is Caroline (Heather Nova). She is wearing a black dress.
She is a little prettier than we remember, as if she's had a Hollywood makeover. Her hair is perfect. Her body is perfect.
Babysham wolf-whistles.

Leon
Have you seen Alan?

Jim
I think we saw him outside. He went to the toilet.

Anna looks confused.

Sally
Are you okay?

Anna
Hmm... yes... it's just... I know my eyes aren't
what they used to be... I guess it's just old age...

Sally
What?

Leon shows Jim and Caroline the sandwiches.

Cut to:

INT - GENTS' TOILETS - NIGHT

Quiet Alan leitmotif music. Alan's music has a menacing edge, as if something evil might happen to him at any minute.
It is also quite sad.
Alan walks in. He washes his face thoroughly to remove as much red gunk as possible. Then he goes to the urinal.
At the urinals a figure is stood. He has floppy darkish hair and a beard.
He turns to look at Alan as he zips up his flies.
Alan looks down, so we don't get a good look at the person's face.

Alan tries to pee.
Meanwhile the other figure goes to the sink and washes his hands.
We catch Question of Sport Mystery Guest style shots utilising the mirror.
Alan farts instead of peeing. The fart sounds a little bit damp.
Alan stands there for a while going red.
The other figure moves to the drier.
Alan stays where he is.
The person finishes at the drier and moves to the condom machine.
Alan goes to the sink again. He starts washing his hands.
The figure gets a packet of condoms and leaves.
As he leaves we see that he is Jim (Frank Skinner). But he has longer hair and a beard.

Alan rushes into a cubicle. The door slams on us. Alan groans.
Inside, Alan flushes his underpants down the lav. He looks at the bog-roll  dispenser. It is empty. Alan pauses.
He pulls his trousers up loosely, and moves to the next cubicle.
All three cubicles are out of paper.
Shot from beyond cubicle doors. Alan screams.

INT - GREAT HALL - NIGHT

Music: Broadcast - The Booklovers.

Sally
Get us another sandwich would y', Zed...

Zed goes for another sandwich.

  Alana
Is everybody here yet.

Alex
Not yet.

Alana
Then who is to come?

Alex
The next guests are approaching.

The door opens and Jim and Caroline enter the room.
Everyone, bar Leon, is surprised at this.

Jim (Frank Skinner) is wearing a fashionable suit. He has a well trimmed beard and darker, slightly longer hair.
Caroline (Heather Nova) is much more like we remember her. Her hair is less immaculate and more ginger than the other Caroline's. She wears a red velvet skirt and a voluminous red blouse.

Leon
Did you see Alan?

Caroline
No.
<to new Jim>
Did you see him, dear?

Jim
Alan?

Caroline
Alan Quinn. Receedingly curly hair, and glasses.

Jim
Someone like that was in the toilets when I was in.

Caroline
We might have seen him.

Other Jim
Hello!

Second Jim rears back at the sight of other Jim.

Caroline
It's alright, darling.

Other Caroline
What the...!

First Jim
Caroline, allow me to introduce Caroline.

Carolines
How do you do.

New Caroline
(who looks more like Caroline)
Well... This is Jim.

Second Jim
Hi.

First Jim
Hmm. Hello.

Anna
What's going on?

Second Jim
Who's she?

Caroline Two
She's your sister.

First Jim
Hi, Anna!

Sally
I'm confused.

Willow
What's going on.

Alana
My petal... my head is aching...

Alex
Do not get in a spin my blackness...

Leon
Shall I explain?

Sally
Yes.

First Jim
Go on then.

Leon
Right. This is Jim.
<grabs first Jim (blue shirt)>
And this is Caroline
<indicates red caroline>

BabyS
So who are they?

Leon
I'm coming to that... Jim decided that he would live in hell with
Caroline, because he was secretly in love with her, so hell
conjoured up a Caroline based on his thoughts. This...
<indicating black-dress caroline>
is Jim's idealised version of Caroline.

Sally
Aw....

Leon
Caroline had fallen for Jim too... and
so she wound up with her idealised Jim...

Sally
In't that sweet...

Leon
Hmm. I personally find it all a bit creepy and confusing.

Jim
Yes...

Copy Jim
Sorry, old chap.

Jim
No. It's fine.

Love theme stirs.

Caroline
I didn't realise you liked me.

Jim
I didn't realise you liked me either...

Caroline
You never said anything...

Sally
People never do. It's sad really.

Zed hugs her and they kiss.
Love theme ends with Leon's rolling eyes. Commisioned atmosphere music takes over.

BabyS
So what are we all here for?

Leon
Let's wait for Alan first.

Sally
Here. Have a sandwich.

Copy Jim
Thankyou. What are they?

Sally
Well that's cheese, that's egg, and that's
peanut butter. Oh, and that one's cheese and ham.

Copy Jim
I'll have cheese and ham I think.

Dramatic chord.
Gasps.
Everyone looks at Caroline.

Caroline
What?

Jim
Well I'll have peanut butter.

Copy Caroline
I'll have cheese and onion.

Caroline
So will I.

They reach for the same sandwich.
They look at each other embarresed and go for the same different one.
Caroline lets the copy go first.

Leon
No-one's touching the egg.

Sally
No. Ne'mind. So long as people keep going for the
cheese and onion and leaving the plain cheese for me.

She picks up another and rams it in her gob.

Alan staggers in.

Leon
Hello.

Chris
About time!

Sai
Are there none with just onion in?

Sally
No... sorry. You could take the cheese out...

Sai
No. It does not matter.

Alan
Am I late?

Sally
Not really.

Alan sees the two Jims and the two Carolines. He double takes.

Zed
Yeah. We've done all that. I'm Zed.

Alan
Alan. Nice to meet you.

BabyS
This is Willow.

Willow
Hi.

Alan
Hello. Well how are you all?

Chris
We're fine.

Sai
Hi.

Alan
Hi, I'm Alan.

Sai
Yes.

Alan
Er... right. Um. And I know the rest of you I think.

He looks at the double couple again, confused.

Alan
Right.

Sally
Have a sandwich.

Alan
What are they?

Sally
Cheese, cheese and onion, peanut butter and... egg.

Alan
I'll have an egg then I think.

Sally
Good choice.

Alan
Did I choose wrong?

Sally
 No. Not at all. Just nobody else likes egg.

Leon
It's not that they don't like
egg... It's just that there's cheese.

Sally
Whatever...

Alan
Well if it makes people happier, I'll have cheese.

Sally
No! No, it makes people happier if you have egg.

Alan
Oh. Right then. I'll have egg then.

Sally
Yes.

 Sally drags the cheese plate nearer to her and scoops up another cheese sandwich.

Alan
So then,
<eats a bit of sarnie>
Why are we here?

Melt to

EXT - SKARO - DAY

Skaro is a planet whose entire geography resembles a slate-quarry in North Wales.

Doctor Who action music.

The Doctor (Tom Baker) is dodging gunfire from a troop of cybermen.
His assistant, Sarah-Michelle (Gellar) is a little further ahead, by the opening to a cave.
Tom has been in make-up for hours to make him look young again.
 He reaches the cave.

INT - CAVE - CONT.

 Doctor
Good grief, Sarah... That was close.

Sarah
Yes, doctor. Now if only we knew where we were.

Doctor
I have my ideas... This whole place seems terribly familar.

The cave is shiney. It becomes a:

INT - GENERIC BBC CORRIDOR MADE TO LOOK HI-TECH - DAY

Eerie radiophonic music.

Sarah
I have a bad feeling about this, doctor.

Doctor
So do I, Sarah... so do I.

At the end of the corridor, a familliar shadow crosses the floor.
Around the corner appears a plunger device, followed by the fearsome visage of a Dalek.

Doctor
Dar-leks! I knew it. Come on, Sarah. This way.

He runs up another corridor.

Doctor
Quickly, Sarah! Quickly!

The Dalek approaches Sarah. It's extermination gun flicks about a little, the end pulses slightly.

Doctor
Sarah!

Sarah turns to the doctor.
Then she turns back, leaps up and kicks the Dalek squarely in the eye-stalk.

The Dalek rolls back on it's casters, bangs into the wall and ends up facing the wrong way.

Sarah leaps onto the back of the Dalek, and wraps her legs around it's middle. She breaks off the eye-stalk.

Dalek
My vision is impaired! I cannot see!

Distant Dalek Voice
Are you alright, dear?!

Dalek
I cannot see! I cannot see! Help me!

Distant Dalek Voice
Quit whining, you lousy cow!

Dalek
I am not whining! I am not whining!

Distant Dalek Voice
Yes you are. You whine all the time!

Dalek
No I do not!

Distant Dalek Voice
Yes you do! Whine whine whine! Whine whine whine!

Dalek
I do not! Shut up you stupid slag! Shut up you stupid slag!

Distant Dalek Voice
Whine whine whine whine whine!

Dalek
No! No! No no no no no no no! Nooo!

Distant Dalek Voice
Whiney whiney whiney!

Dalek
Stop it! Stop it! Argh!

Throughout the above dialogue, the pitch of the two voices increases to shrieking, and finally the Dalek's head smokes and fizzles.

Doctor
Jump, Sarah! Jump!

Sarah jumps clear of the dalek which goes up in an exciting manner.
The flame turns the camera elements green for a while in true BBC archive manner.

Sarah
What was that?

Doctor
That, Sarah, was a dalek. One of the most fearsome
creatures ever to have been created. And by the
sound of it there's another nearby. We'd better hurry.

Sarah
They don't seem very fearsome. It's just
a wheelie bin with some sticks for arms.

Doctor
Do not be fooled by appearences... Very often the things we
should fear most are the things which at first glance seem
almost sweet and friendly... Take cats for instance...

Sarah
Sorry?

Doctor
Cats are pretty, fluffy little things... yet they
kill for amusement and toy with their prey.

Sarah
Do they?

Doctor
Yes.

Sarah
Oh.

Doctor
Quickly now... we don't have much time.

Sarah
Much time?

Doctor
Why yes... we have to attempt to stop the
daleks...  ...and I've left the tardis on a meter.

Sarah
What?

Doctor
A joke. Jelly-baby?

He offers her a jelly-baby from a bag in his pocket.

Sarah
Thankyou.

Doctor
The thing you must remember about Daleks is that they run on
casters. But they can still go up stairs. Ask Sylvester McCoy.
They're also incredibly dangerous. That gun thing you saw -
That's an extermination ray. It will turn everything negative and
kill whatever is in shot. That plunger can give a nasty suck too.

Sarah
Well how can they be destroyed?

Doctor
In all my years battling the Daleks, I've found that the best way of
dealing with them is to play on their quick tempers and  inherrent bitchiness.

 Sarah
Is that what happened back there?

Doctor
That's right. Now I have a fool-proof plan.
We'll just spread it around that one of the Daleks
has been seeing another Dalek behind another Dalek's
back.  That's just bound to bring the whole lot of them down.

Sarah
Has it worked before?

Doctor
Not quite, but I did explode an entire ladies lavatory using
the same method. Quite messy. Anyway, it's worth a shot.

Sarah
Okay.

Dalek voice off camera
Halt!

Doctor
Ah.

Dalek
Who are  you, and why are you here?!

Sarah
Thi-

Doctor
Ah-ah... I'll handle this one... Say, would you like a jelly baby?

Dalek
No thankyou. Answer the question.

Doctor
Of course... Say, you do know that Davros has
produced a new series of Daleks with go-faster stripes.

Dalek
Go faster stripes? Go faster stripes?!

Doctor
That's right.

Dalek
No! No! Go faster stripes! Go faster stripes!

The dalek fizzles.

Doctor
This is going to be a piece of cake.

Long shot of corridor.
Doctor and Sarah walk up towards and past camera. The dalek sits, limp, at the centre of the shot.
At the end of the corridor, keen eyed viwers might espy the shadow of a small duck-like creature stretching into view from around the corner.

Mix to:

INT - GREAT HALL OF CALVADOS - NIGHT

RealJim
So what you are saying is that there are
some geese that want to take over the world.

Leon
Basically, yes.

Babysham
How?

Leon
Like I said, it's not clear. All the governments of the world
received letters from the GLC - the Goose Liberation Consortium
 - saying that unless geese were declared dominant species, and
given full rule over the earth, our planet would be destroyed.

Chris
They're putting all their cards in?
Double or quits... Wow. They're brave.

Leon
Hmm.

Willow
So presumably they've got some sort
of weapon to destroy the earth with...

Jim
You'd think so.

Chris
Unless they're bluffing. In which case they're pretty stupid.

Alex
Or they think that WE are pretty stupid.

Leon
The situation is this: either the geese get total dominion
over everything on earth, and we become their slaves,
or everything is destroyed, except perhaps the geese.

Sally
What do you mean?

Jim
Well presumably the geese aren't on earth...

Leon
Exactly... they took off in Central Hall.

Jim
What? As in Central Hall, University?

Leon
Yes.

 Sally
So if they're in space how are the
governments supposed to reply to them?

Leon
How the fuck should I know?! That's beside the point.
The thing is that if the earth is destroyed, so is hell.

Jim
Really?

Leon
Yes.

Chris
Shit.

Leon
And further-more, we've received a telegram from MI7.

Alan
Really?!

Leon
Yes.

Jim
Wow.

Leon
They want us to fight the geese.

Jim
What? Why? How come they can't do it?

Leon
Don't ask me.

Jim
Sorry.

Sally
But how can WE help? We're dead.

Leon
Ah... Well...

Jeremy
I believe this is where I come in.

Jeremy is a large demon, played by Christopher Biggins. He looks like a human but wears fashions that are ten years out of date.

Jim
Hi.

Jeremy
Hi. I'm Jeremy, I'm a demon, and I will
be your guide through the over-world.

Leon
Jeremy will be keeping tabs on you all - making
sure that none of you try to escape death.

Sally
Why should we? It's perfect here...

Jeremy
Some people are pretty odd.

Alan suddenly starts to wretch.

Alan
Oh god! Oh!

RealCaroline
Are you alright?

Alan
I think it must've been the egg.

He is violently sick.

Cut to:

EXT - LITTLE CAR PARK THING AT THE BACK OF THE BARBICAN, YORK - DAY

The tardis materialises.

INT - TARDIS - DAY

A big white control room. Pan round the central table.
Reveal a Z-bed in corner. lying on it, with a blindfold and ear-muffs on is Christopher Ecclestone.
A classic alarm-clock goes off. Christopher wakes. He turns off the alarm.
He takes off his head-gear and staggers to the control pannel. He is wearing a cricket kit. He bangs the control pannel.
The viewing screen opens.

He scrutinises the image and then spins on one foot to face the door.
He bangs the door-open mechanism. The door opens.

EXT - TARDIS OUTSIDE BARBICAN - DAY

Christopher peers wearily out of the door and leaves the tardis.
The door slams shut behind him as Christopher storms out of frame, right.

Pan left.

Reveal a toilet block. The night WC door opens and out steps Jeremy.
He looks left and right, warily, then beckons inside for people to follow him.

Old Jim steps out. He is holding the hand of Old Caroline.
Then comes Leon, Sally, Zed, Young Anna, Young Craig, Chris, Sai, Alan, Alex, Alana, BabySham and Willow.
The other Jim and Caroline do not come out.

Caption: York

The team splits up:
Jeremy, Caroline and Jim head right.
Sally, Zed and Leon head front left.
Anna, Craig and Alan head back right.
Alex, Alana, BabySham and Willow head back left.
Chris and Sai head to back of shot.

Fade out.

Fade up on:

EXT - CENTRAL HALL - SPACE

It is orbitting the moon.

INT - CENTRAL HALL

A goose sits on a large throne at the centre of the stage. Banners are fixed behind it.
There are some canada geese standing guard in symmetry to each side.
The main goose (a greylag) stares at the camera and grins maniacally.

 Fade out.

Caption - Intermission.

  Cinema voice over man
(vo)
- Hello, it is not a broken-ness problem with the film.
 It is just a temporary pausing to allow you to consider perrousal
of our selection of fine ice-creams currently being displayed in
 the aisles. The film will continue in a short while. Thankyou.

Curtains close.

 trailer break.

Cinema voice over man
(vo):
Please be seated now, ladies and
gentlepersons, for part two is about to begin.

Curtains open.

EXT - VANBRUGH QUAYS - YORK UNI - DAY

Music -Little Green Bag.

60s style buildings to the right of shot. Lake to the left.
Four geese walk towards camera in slow motion.
One carries a walking stick.

As the geese reach middle-distance, the goose with the stick hits the goose to his right with the stick. The goose to the right prostrates.
The first goose kicks the second into the lake. The second goose flaps about in the water.
Much commotion. Zoom to Goodricke Beach on far side of lake, distant left of shot.

EXT - GOODRICKE - CONT.

Leon is laid on the roof of Goodricke. He takes his binoculars away from his eyes.

<Mix to atmospheric music.>

Sally and Zed are on a fire escape behind.

Sally
Can you see anything?

Leon
There's geese alright.

Zed
What are they doing?

Leon
Nothing much.

Reverse shot, over the lake showing (for those familliar with York University) that Central Hall is not there.

 Sally
But I don't understand it? Where's central Hall?

Zed
Central Hall?

Leon
Gone. In Space.

Zed
What?

Leon
It was a space-ship all along.

Sally
I don't understand.

Zed
Nor do I.

Leon
You see... theese geese are no ordinary geese...

Sally
What?

 Leon clambers down the fire-escape to the rest of them.

Leon
You see, back in the early sixties, all this was just swamp.

Sally
Yeah?

Leon
And one day, some men came to the
village of Heslington from the council...

Flashback sequence:

EXT - MEDIEVAL SETTLEMENT - DAY

Three mud-smeared huts. Two heavily bearded farmers (in rags) smoke clay pipes by a ricketty gate.
One leans on a plough made of sticks. One points beyond the camera.
Reverse angle: a foggy lane. Out of the mist walk two tall men in black suits. They wear black sunglasses and thin black ties.
original angle:

Farmer1 (Brian Cant)
'Ello...

 MIBs enter shot. They have american accents.

MIB1 (John Sayles)
We will ask you some questions.

MIB2 (David Duchovny)
We want answers to them.

Farmer1
Righteo.

MIB1
Have you seen anything strange in these parts?

Farmer1
Well, there's Mrs Pabblecock... she's quite strange.

MIB2
No.

Farmer2 (Bill Bailey)
She is, you know. All cock-eyed.

He insinuates cock-eyed and ample busoms with his hands.

MIB1 gestures with his hand and Farmer2 freezes in an unfortunate position  - his eyes glaze.

Farmer1
I see your trouble's flared up again, Bill. He'll be alright in a min.

MIB1
Any other 'strange' things?

Farmer1
One of my turnips looks like Jeremy Beedle.

MIB2
No... geese?

Farmer2
(coming out of his seizure)
Geese?

Farmer1
What be they then?

MIB1
You've not seen any geese then?

Farmer1
Well we might 'ave, but I'm not sure as we rightly know what one is.

MIB2
Any un-naturally large ducks?

Farmer2
Swans you mean?

MIB1
No. Smaller. Grey. With orange feet.

Farmer2
Sounds like Mrs Pabblecock again.
'Ere, what's she been up to this time.

MIB2
Not Mrs Pabblecock.

MIB1
Have you seen any 'creatures' in the swamps?

Farmer1
Not that I can think of.

Farmer2
Only Mrs Pabblecock again.

MIB2
Other than Mrs Pabblecock.

Farmer2
I'm drawing a blank.

Farmer1
No. Nothing can survive in those swamps.
There's an air of death about them...

MIB2
A supernatural aura?

Farmer1
No... more of an air of death...

Farmer2
A bit like Mrs Pabblecock.

MIB2
Look! Would you just shut up about Mrs Pabblecock!

Farmer1
I know. It's all he thinks about. Obsessed,
he is. He goes on and on and on...

MIB1
So you haven't seen anything... unusual?

Farmer1&2 in unison
Nope.

MIB1
No ghosts?

Farmer1&2
Nope

MIB2
Space-ships?

F1&2
Nope

MIB1
Alien beings?

F1&2
Nope

MIB2
Shape-shifting ecto-morphs that need human livers to survive?

F1
Not that I remember.

F2
Doesn't ring a bell.

MIB1
Thank you. That will be all.

They walk off.
The farmers look at each other and return to their pipes.
A goose comes out of one of the huts and waddles towards them.

Farmer2
Oh, hello, Mrs Pabblecock...

Return to

EXT - GOODRICKE - DAY

Leon on the fire-escape steps. He is wearing a smoking-jacket and clutching an open red-leather book.

Leon
Then they started work on building the university,
but while they were laying the foundations,
they found a mysterious thing in the swamps...
That thing was to become Central Hall.

Leon shuts the book.

 Sally & Zed sit on lower steps in pyjamas.

Sally & Zed
Tell us another! Tell us another!

Leon
Not now.

Sally & Zed
Oh...

Leon
Some other time perhaps. Now, we
must try and find another plot thread!

He casts the book aside and jumps off the fire escape. The others follow.

Rooftop pan/mix.

EXT - ST JAMES FIELDS aka LAYERTHORPE STRAY - DAY

Jeremy, Caroline & Jim are picking their way through a wasteland.

Caroline
I'm tired...

Jim
Yes, dear, so am I... where are we,
Jeremy? Can we stop soon?

Jeremy
You'll be alright. We're just beyond Layerthorpe. We can stop
soon. If your big strong legs can carry you another few yards.

Jim
Yes. I'm sure they can.

Shot of the crest of a hill. The three of them appear over it. Then they pick their way down.
As they do this, we pull out to reveal a stone-henge like construction in front of them.
Jim collapses onto the fallen stones, and Caroline and Jeremy collapse onto Jim.

Jim
I'm knackered.

Caroline
Jim! Language!

Jim
Sorry?

Jeremy draws a map from some orriface or other.

Jeremy
Now, if you two bickerettes can stop it, I have a treat for you.

Caroline
A treat?

Jeremy
U-huh.

He pulls out his other hand on which are two kinder-eggs.

Jim
Kinder eggs!

Caroline
Wow!

They snatch the eggs off Jeremy and ferrociously attack them with their  finger-nails.

Jeremy
The way to a man's heart...

Caroline's face is covered in chocolate as she attacks the plastic inner-shell with a rock.
Jeremy studies the map.
Jim has opened his shell. He looks disappointed.

 Jim
Oh. It's just one of those stupid alien things.

Jeremy
Oh yes. It appears to be photocopying its genitals.

Jim
Hmm. They're no fun.

Jeremy
I'm sorry. I'll see if we can't sort
you out with something else later.

Jim
What have you got, Caroline?

Caroline seems inhumanly excited. She is grinning stupidly and her eyes are wide.

Caroline
Look! It's great!

Jim
What is it?

Caroline
I don't know yet. I've not put it together...!

Jim
Let's see.

Caroline
No no no no. Mine! Let me.

She fiddles with a few bits of cheap plastic and a scratty bit of paper.
What she ends up with is a single piece of plastic with sticky out bits.
It is very colourful and has wheels.

Caroline
Look! Isn't it great?!

Jim
Yeah! Wow!

Jeremy
What is it?

Caroline
I'm not sure. But it's brilliant!

Jim
Let me see.

Caroline
No no no. Mine!

She jumps up and starts rolling it around on the map which Jeremy has laid out.

Jeremy
Do you mind?

Caroline
Sorry.

Jim
Where are we heading?

Jeremy
I'm not sure... Leon just said we had to split up
into groups of three and head in different directions.

Jim points to a bit of the map.

Jim
What's this?

Jeremy
It's a bit of the map.

Jim looks sternly.

Jeremy
It's the local YMCA.

Jim
Oh. Like in the song.

Jeremy
That's right.

Caroline
Wow! We're going to a place mentioned in a song?!

Jeremy
Well we could do.

Caroline
Wheee!

Jim
You know it isn't this particular place that's
sung about. There's more than one YMCA.

Caroline
Shut up.

Jim
What?

Caroline
We're going to the YMCA!

Jeremy
Yes we are!

Caroline
Oh.

Jim
What's wrong?

Camera shows liquid dripping down the rock that Caroline is sat on.

Jim
Oh, Caroline, you haven't...

Jeremy
What? Oh...

Caroline
I'm sorry.

She starts crying.

Jim
There there... does this sort of thing often happen?

Caroline
Only when I get very excited...

Jeremy
Come on... we'd better be going.

Jim
You'll dry out as we walk.

They get up and move on out of shot.
This is followed by the tell-tale sound of tardis materialisation.
From over the hill, Tom Baker and Sarah Michelle Gellar appear. They head to the circle.

  Sarah
Where are we, Doctor?

Tom
I'm not quite sure... but something tells me that we
aren't exactly safe here. Let's try not to stay too long.

Close up of Tom staring at the camera.

Mix to Babysham's eye. Pull out to show Alex, Alana, Babysham and Willow who are walking through a field near a river:

EXT - FULFORD INGS - DAY

Babysham is not so much walking as stalking. He walks with the actions of a comedy spy. Alex and Alana are lagging behind.

Willow
Where are we going?

BabyS
Shh!

Willow
Never mind shhh... I'm thirsty.

BabyS
Here.

He throws a flask to Willow from deep within his coat. Willow catches it and swigs.

Alana
It's bright here. It hurts my eyes.

Alex
Yes, my sensitive carton of mystery,
but I sense that night draws ever nearer.

Alana
And then will the sun be gone?

Alex
Gobbled up by the moon, my primordial blackness.

Alana
I like the moon. The moon is pretty.

Alex
Yes. It is a saucer of evils untold. It is the light of darkness.

Alana
Oh... I wish it were here now.

Alex
Have patience, my rhubarb crumble.
The hour of dusk is near at hand.

There is a sploshing noise.
 Pan to reveal that BabySham is in swamp up to his waist.

Willow
BabySham!

Alana
What has happened, my prince of shadowy pavement?

Alex
We have reached swamp.

Alana
Ooh. Goody. I like swamp.

Alex
Yes. Swamp is good.

Alana
Swamp is evil.

Alex
Yes, my octagon of death, and that is why it is good.

Alana
Of course... I am silly.

Alex
No, you are not, my festering pumpkin
of rotteness... You are perfect in every way.

Alana
Even my mole?

Alex
Especcially your mole. How is he?

Alana
Let me see.

 She burries into her skirts and draws out a little mole.

Alana
Oh, look. He is frightened.

Alex
They look so cute when they're frightened, don't they, my beetle?

Alana
They are practically scrumptious...

Alex
But we mustn't spoil our appetites, my
fluffy bat. We must be sparing with our rations.

Alana
If you insist, my ripest pustule.

Alex
I do, my little thrush, I do.

Willow is tugging as hard as she can on a rope connected to BabyS.

BabyS
It's no good! Pull harder!

Willow
I'm pulling as hard as I can!
Hey, you two! Give us a hand!

Alana
Are they talking to us, my penguin?

Alex
I am not sure, my witchiness.

Alana
Then let us ignore them.

Alex
Okay.

Willow
Alex!

Alex
She said my name.

Alana
Did she?

Alex
I think so.

Alana
Let me hear...

Willow
Hey!

Alana
She said Hey! You aren't
called Hey! You are called Alex.

Alex
I am? Yes. I am. I guess she
wasn't calling me after all.

Alana
You are such a clever little boil.

Alex
As are you, my salmon of devilish waters. As are you.

Willow
It's no good, dear, they just keep ignoring me.

BabyS
Then tie me to that tree!

Willow
Righteo!

BabyS
And don't come any closer. Don't move
anywhere. I don't know where the swamp starts.

Willow
Got that. Hey! Did you hear that, you two!

 Alana
She's talking to Hey! again...

Alex
Yes. Best ignore her, my jet black pussy.

Alana
You are a wise one.

Alex
And you are as beautiful as jet itself.

Alana
Oh you make me swoonish.

Alex
Then I shall hold you steady, oh flower of Birmingham.

Tilt up. Mix to next sequence.
Tilt down onto:

EXT - YORK TOWN CENTRE - DAY

Anna, Craig and Alan in the town centre, which is crawling with tourists.

Alan
I often wondered what it would be like to be really old...

Anna
I thought you were really old...

Alan
Do I look old? Oh god! I'm only
thirty-eight... I don't look old do I?

Craig
No... of course not...

Alan
Don't lie... I need to know... I worry a lot, you see...
And you know what worry can do to a person...

Anna
You didn't have a good time in hell did you...

Alan
No I bloody well didn't!

Craig
Easy...

Alan
I thought we were supposed to
be living in paradise down there.

Craig
Well we were...

Anna touches Craig's arm.

Alan
Well I wasn't. It was one bad thing after
another for me! Nothing ever went right.

Anna
It's okay... We're out of it now.

Alan
Yeah. And if you think I'm going back you can think again!

Craig
But we've gotta go back...

Anna
He's right you know.

Alan
Well sod that.

He turns and storms up the street, but is stopped by a skin-headed monk.

Monk (John Sayles)
Be at peace, my son.

Alan
Excuse me.

Monk
May I ask you to make a donation for the church of Biomas?

Alan
Oh, alright then...

He pulls out some change.

Alan
Here you go.

Monk
You are most generous. Have you ever read our holy book?

Alan
Er... no.

Monk
Then please... take this.

Alan
Wow. Thanks.

Monk
Why don't you come along to one of our meetings...
talk about your troubles... I'm sure we could help...

Alan
I don't...

Monk
Relax... We don't want to force you.

The monk gestures with his hand.
Alan freezes.

Monk
We are meeting tonight, at the Barbican. 7pm. Will you be there?

Alan
(hypnotically)
Yes.

The Monk waves his hand again and Alan snaps out of it.

Monk
Thankyou for your time.

Alan
No problem...

Monk
Could you just do one thing for me?

Alan
Sure.

Monk
I want you to say a word for me...

Alan
Gouranga!

Monk
No... we're nothing to do with those
scum... No. I want you to say "plinth".

Alan
Plinth?

Monk
Oooh.... Yes. Thankyou.

  Anna and Craig come over.

Anna
Come on, Alan, let's get a move on.
(to monk:)
Hi.

The monk scowls at Anna.

Monk
Goodbye... Alan...

Alan
(sotto)
Thanks, Anna! Now he knows my name!

Anna
Oh, give over... You should just ignore them you know.

Alan
I can't just ignore them... They might...
curse me. And anyway... it's not polite.

Anna
Come on!

Alan
Where are we going?

Anna
The railway station.

Alan
Oh.

They begin to walk over Lendal bridge.

Craig
Isn't it pretty here...

Anna
Yeah.

Alan
Look over there.

Anna
What?

A speedboat leaps over the bridge, north-south. The three of them duck.

  Craig
What the?!

Another boat leaps over.

Craig
Shit!

Anna picks herself up and looks around.

Anna
What was all that about?

Craig
God knows... hey, where's Alan?!

Anna
Alan! Alan!!

Craig
You don't think that speedboat...

Anna
Surely...

Craig
I'm gonna give chase.

Anna
What? Why?!

<beat>

Craig
I'm bored.

He leaps down the steps to the riverside.

Anna
I'm coming with you.

They jump into a speedboat and speed off.
Alan peers from around a corner and then walks off.

EXT - RIVER OUSE - DAY

 The boat cuts through the river.
The other two boats are not far ahead.
 Much exciting speed. Fast cuts.
Action Bond-style music.

Anna is at the wheel.

Craig
We're gaining on them.

Anna
Yes. I can see that.

There is machine-gun fire at them from the rear-most of the two boats ahead.

Anna
Shit!

Craig
Duck!

Anna is ducking.
Craig is pointing to a duck that is being bobbed about on the previous boat's wash. They are heading straight at it.
He swerves her hands to avoid the little creature.

Anna
Hey!

The second boat is only ten yards or so away.

 Another volley of fire.

On the second boat, Sai is operating the machine gun while Chris is at the wheel.

Sai
Yargh!!

Gunfire.

Chris
Yeehah!

Past the city screen and civic buildings go the three speedboats.

The first boat passes a large pleasure-tour boat coming the other way.
Chris swerves at the last minute to avoid it. Sai falls down into the boat.

The rearmost boat has the opportunity to move up alongside the second boat, while there is general panic on the tour-boat.
Incidentally, the chase is south-bound.

Sai gets up again just as Anna & Craig pull up along-side.

Anna
Sai!

Craig
What?!

Sai
Sheet!

Anna
What the fuck are you playing at, shooting at us like that?!

Sai
What?!

Chris
What is it?

Sai
I didn't know it was you!

Chris
Oh. Hi!

Anna
Yeah. Right. Hello.

Chris
You here to help? Grab this.

He throws a very big gun, which Craig catches.

Craig
Great.

Anna
Who are you chasing?!

Sai
There are Geese!

Craig
Geese?!

Chris
Yeah!

Suddenly the front boat pulls a tight left turn.

Craig
Shit!

Craig and Anna's boat just keeps going.
They crash up onto the bank, and scrape along the landing platform, before bouncing back into the river, continuing South.

Chris and Sai pull the turn though.

Chris
So long. Nice talking to you!

EXT - RIVER FOSS - DAY

The two left-turners now head north up the foss, under a very low bridge.

Sai
Sheety death!

The front boat is pulling away. It banks hard right, as a rowing team appear in sight.

Chris banks too sharply and leaps to the bank. Momentum sends the boat scraping sparkily through a tunnel that runs along the bank.

Chris
Wheeeeeeee! aLRIGHT!

They pop out at the other side and scrape left into the river again.

Splash.

The front boat cuts left through a willowy ing, while chris takes the outside.

Moorhens scatter.

The chase continues under several low bridges.
A child is feeding ducks with his mum. They are covered with water, twice, as the boats race by.

Chris
There's got to be a torpedo in this thing!

He bangs the dashboard.
The river twists and turns. It also narrows.

  Sai
We're taking on water!

Sai appears from above the boat edge clutching a drill.

Chris
Did you drill a hole in the boat, Sai.

Sai
I'm sorree, my sweetheart.

Chris
I've told you before about that!

A fountain of water is coming up in the back of their boat.
Meanwhile, it is getting darker, and the river has become nothing more than a stream:
The front boat is scraping the bank on both sides.

Chris
Shit!

Sai
What is eet?

Chris
We're grounding!

And then their boat smashes into the back of the front boat. The front boat explodes dramatically as Sai and Chris dive out.

Cut to

INT - WENTWORTH CAFE - EVENING

It is dark outside. Leon and Sally sit at opposite sides of a table clutching cans of coke and chocolate bars.
Zed approaches with a diet coke.

 Leon
What we need is a way to get up to that space-ship.

Sally
Like what?

Leon
I don't know.

Zed
You're from another planet. Where's your ship?

Leon
I don't have one. I was beamed here by my people.

Sally
Well, can't they beam you onto Central Hall?

Leon
I have no way of contacting them.

Sally
That's a bit daft, isn't it?

Leon
No, it's not a bit daft. We just don't work like that.
They send me on a mission, and when they see
that it is complete they come and get me again.

Sally
Well how will they see that the mission is complete?

Leon
That doesn't matter.

Sally
Well it might do if...

Leon
It doesn't matter. Look would you just
believe me on this. Take my word for it. Please.

Sally
Okay.

<slurp of coke>

Sally
Maybe some other bits of university are spaceships...

Leon
Unlikely, I think.

Sally
What about Psychology?

Leon
No. It was built in the mid nineties.

Sally
Was it?

Leon
Yes.

Zed
That library looks pretty outlandish.

Sally
Yeah! The Library!

Leon
Hmm. It's worth a try I suppose. Come on.

They get up.

to Episode Eight Part Two