EPISODE EIGHT:
PART TWO:

EXT - RIVER OUSE, FULFORD - EVENING

Meanwhile, Craig and Anna are still heading South, albeit very slowly...

Anna
I think we're running out of fuel.

The boat makes some funny popping noises and then grinds to a halt.

Craig
Where are we?

Anna
Dunno. But it's getting dark. We better get to some shelter.

They clambour out of the boat and onto the bank.

Craig
Shh.

Anna
What?

Distant muffled voice:
Help!

Anna
Sounds like...

DMV
Help!

Craig
Somebody's shouting for help.

Anna
Come on!

Craig
It's coming from over there.

They run towards the sound.

Craig
God, it's muddy.

Anna
Stop moaning.

Cut to:

EXT - FULFORD INGS - EVENING

Willow
Help!

Alana
I think I hear something.

Alex
Is it a pipistrelle, my bleakness?

Alana
No. It is human noises. Can I eat my mole now.

Alex
Only if you are very hungry.

Alana
I am.

Alex
Very well then, you may eat your mole.

 She eats her mole.

DMV
Hello!

Willow
I think I heard something!

BabyS
I doubt it. We're doomed.

Willow
Hello?!

DMV
Are you alright?!

Willow
Over here!

EXT - ANOTHER BIT OF THE INGS - NOW PRETTY DARK

Anna
Jesus christ!

Craig
Anna!

    Anna has sunken up to her shoulers in the mud.

Craig
Can you get out?

Anna
No. I think I'm sinking.

Craig
Give me your hand.

EXT - THE BIT WHERE BABYSHAM IS - NIGHT

Willow
Oh great!

BabyS
What?

Willow
Now our rescuers are stuck in the swamp too.

Alana
There's a funny smell...

Alex
It is death, my rice pudding of nastiness.

Alana
Ah. It is tingly on the nostrils.

Alex
Yes, it is most pleasant.

Alana
Who is to die?

Alex
That I cannot answer...

Alana
Will it be a pretty death?

Alex
I fear there will be pain and much gore, my brussel sprout.

Alana
Good... I love a nice death... deaths are always so sad.

EXT - AND HERE AGAIN:

Craig
Just don't struggle.

Anna
Okay.

Craig
If you just sit there and feel heavy,
you will free yourself from the mud.

Anna
Okay. I'm really picturing myself being consumed here.
I'm willing the mud over my face and down my throat.

Craig
Good.

Anna
I'm picturing the stinking, foul soil flooding my lungs...

Anna shoots out of the mud and into the air.

Craig
Well done, love!

EXT - FULFORD INGS (nr. BABYSHAM ET AL) - NIGHT

Anna comes crashing down to earth at Alex and Alanas' feet.

  Alana
Ooh look, a woman. Can we keep her, Alex?

Alex
I don't think she is ours to keep, belladonna...

Alana
Please...

Anna
Oh, Hi.

Willow
Nice of you to drop in.

Anna
Very droll.

Willow
Any idea where we are?

Anna
No. Sorry. Hey, can't you tell where
we are by the positions of the stars, Alex?

Alex
I think they're talking to me again.

Alana
Not the voices again? Ignore them.

Alex
I'm trying.

He screws up his face. Anna puts her hand on his shoulder. He jumps and turns to face her.

Anna
Alex?

Alex
What do I do now?

Alana
I don't know, my black treacle...

Anna
Alex, it's me, Anna.

Alex
Right. Alana?!

Anna
Can you tell where we are by the position of the stars?

Alex
Me?

Anna
Yes.

Alex
Yes.

Anna
Go on then.

Alex
What?

Anna
Where are we?

Alex
Earth.

Willow
Well that's Venus. I know that.

Alex
It's jupiter.

Willow
No. It's venus.

Alex
It's jupiter. I know. I do astrophysics.

Anna
I must admit, I thought that one was Venus.
Not that I know much about the subject.

BabyS
I know how to do it with the sun and a watch.

Willow
Well you could've said so earlier before the moon came up.

Alex
That isn't the moon.

Anna
I think you'll find it is.

Alex
That's the dragon Akwavak.

Willow
<to anna>
Is he alright?

Anna
I'm not sure... Alex?

Alex is back talking to Alana.

Alex
I am back. They tried to get me to divulge the
secrets of the heavens, but I think I got away with it.

Alana
Good, good, my lord of misdirection...

Alex
I told them the moon was a dragon.

Alana
Ah, but it is.

Alex
Is it?

Alana
Yes.

Alex
Oh dear. Then I did badly.

Alana
But bad is good.

Alex
Of course. You are wise, my prescious pot pouri.

Anna
Would you two mind helping us with BabySham?

Willow
They're dead to the world those two, I think.

Alex
That was close.

Craig falls to earth.

Alana
Ooh, another one.

Alex
He isn't ours, my small and unfathomable
stain. We must leave him be.

Anna
Craig!

BabyS
Nobody pun, okay...

Craig
Hello, Babysham. You seem to be in a bit of a hole there.

BabyS
Was that a pun?

Craig
No. Now have you tried thinking about
being consumed by the swamp?

BabyS
Yes, Of course I have! I've tried everything. Yoga,
meditation, violence. None of it is working.

Willow
I think this area of swamp is a bit tougher than where you were.

Craig
Then I guess we'll have to leave you here for the time being.

BabyS
What?!

Craig
I mean, you're tethered to that tree,
so you aren't going to go far, and we haven't
got much of a chance hauling you out.
We'll need everybody to tug against that.

BabyS
Oh, wonderful.

Willow
We'll come back for you tomorrow. Love you.

BabyS
Hmph.

Craig
This way should be safe enough...

They all leave, including Alex and Alana.
Babysham is left alone in the swamp.

BabyS
(quietly)
Byee...

Cut to

EXT - THE BARBICAN, MAIN ENTRANCE - NIGHT

Alan outside the Barbican. He enters.

INT - BARBICAN FOYER - CONT.

Inside there are a lot of monks walking about.

The monk from earlier sees Alan and walks towards him. He bows.

Monk
Ah. Alan. Glad you could join us. This way.

He walks off. Alan follows.

Mix to:

EXT - ST JOHN FIELDS - NIGHT

Christopher Eccleston wandering through the wastelands at night-time. He comes across Tom Baker's tardis.

Christopher Eccleston
What the...?

He staggers on, over the hill, and winds up in the stone circle. He sits down, and rests his hands on the rock.
He picks his left hand up quickly, sniffs at it and recoils. He leaps up.
He looks about then heads the same way as the others went earlier on.

Cut to:

EXT - YMCA - NIGHT

Tom Baker and Sarah Michelle Gellar approach.

Music courtesy of Galactic Symposium.

INT - YMCA - CONT.

Lots of blatantly homosexual men ogle Jim, Jeremy and Caroline

A well built man with a handlebar moustach approaches them.

Young Man1 (Philip Schofield (miscast))
(to Caroline)
Your kind are not welcome here.

He points mysteriously as he says this.  Caroline looks at Jim and Jeremy. They shrug. She leaves.

Young Man1
Now then, how may I help you?

Jeremy
We are two young christian men looking for
shelter on this dark and miserable night.

Young Man1
We have a spare bed in the Gary Barlow suite.

He claps his hands. Another young man in a pvc maid's uniform mapproaches. Jim looks a little confused.

Young Man1
Take these young men to the Gary Barlow Suite.

Young Man2 (Bernard Cribbins (miscast))
Yes, sir.

As they are escorted to the room, they are ogled some more. Jeremy puts his arm (manfully) around Jim.

Young Man2
Your room sirs.

Jeremy
Thankyou.

Jeremy hands Young Man2 some money. Young Man2 courtseys and leaves.

The room is very pretty, with floral wallpaper. The type of out-dated stereotyping that is frowned upon in modern cinema.

Jim
Do you think Caroline will be alright?

Jeremy
Yes.

EXT - YMCA - NIGHT
Outside, Caroline is sat on the steps. Sad music. Sarah Michelle Gellar sees her.

Sarah
Hello.

Caroline
Oh, Hi.

Tom
Hello! What do we have here? My god...

Caroline
What's wrong...

Tom
Nothing... it's... Don't I know you?

Caroline
Me?

Tom
Oh my word... Caroline...

Caroline
That's right. Who are you?

Tom
You don't remember me?

Caroline
Should I?

Tom
No. Of course not... No. I was a
different person back then... Gosh... er...

Sarah
Are you okay, doctor?

Tom
Hmm? Yes yes... Fine. Golly. Jelly baby?

Caroline
Yes please.

Tom
My word. This is going to take some explaining.

Sarah
Doctor, what is it?

Tom
Sarah, would you believe that Caroline here used to be my wife?

Caroline
Pardon?

Tom
Oh yes. It's true.

Caroline
What's true?

Tom
God! Can't you work it out, woman? I'm Jim!

Caroline & Sarah
Jim?!

Tom
That's right.

Cut to:

EXT - WOODLAND - NIGHT

Chris & Sai running through the woods.
A helicopter bathes everything in magnesian light.
Much running about and screaming.
The helicopter lands in a space before them.
They run back into the woods only to find that they are surrounded by geese.

They stand back to back as the geese centre in on them.

Meanwhile:

EXT - JB MORRELL LIBRARY, YORK UNI - NIGHT

INT - LIBRARY - NIGHT

Crane up through the middle of the library.
Sally, Leon and Zed meet up on one of the landings.

Leon
Anything?

Sally
Nothing.

Zed
Nope.

Leon
Then this isn't a spaceship.

Sally
There must be one somewhere.

Leon
Nope. I think we're screwed.



INT - BARBICAN - NIGHT

Cut to a great sports hall in the barbican where several hundred monks are assembled. In the crowds is Alan.
An important looking monk in a gold mask climbs up some steps, with John Sayles' monk and another monk played by David Duchovny at each side.
The golden mask is a stylised goose-head.

Masked monk
Brothers. Now is the time. Now we must make our
 declaration to the world. The time has come to show the
people the words of our lords. The time has come to meet
our gods in a jubilant statement to the unbelievers.

Alan looks worried. He looks about him. He starts to back out of the room.
He pushes his way through the crowd as the main monk talks about sacrifice and symbolism and ending this life to start the next etc.
We only hear these key words over the music.
Alan's music reaches a pinacle as he stressfully and claustrophobicly works his way haphazzardly through the crowd.
This is accompanied by disorientating camera work, as we feel Alan's anguish. The crowd is largely inpenetrable.

The main monk raises his hand.

Monk
Twelve!

Alan stops. He looks confused.

Monk
Eleven!

There is a grinding noise all around.

Monk
Ten!

Alan's panicked expression.

Monk
Nine!

The crowd with Alan in it.

Monk
Eight!

A section of crowd pull their hoods over their faces and bow to the earth.

Monk
Seven!

Alan pulls his hood up and dives down into the legs of the crowd.

Monk
Six!

The guards stare solemnly at the ground.

Monk
Five!

Another rumble. The room shakes.

Monk
Four!

Alan crawling through the legs.

Monk
Three!

Close up of Alan crawling through the legs.

Monk
Two!

 Several monks on the podium reach to rope-clasps on the wall.

Monk
One!

Alan's panicked face as his hand reaches the steps to the podium.

The monk's hand sweeps down.
The other monks on the podium pulldown at the clasps. From above comes down a large metal structure at high-speed.
The podium is showered with jam.  Much screaming. The rig is hoisted back up.
Concertinaed seating flies out from the walls. Alan is on one of them as pyramids of seats converge at pace to the centre of the hall.

Corpses fly up past Alan, out of focus. Alan climbs the seat-pyramid as a sea of blood rises behind him.

 The two guards raise their heads.

The whole building is shaking. There is no screaming anymore. Only gurgling.

Alan finds himself covered in blood at the top of the seating pyramid.

Monk
Ah, Alan. I was wondering when you'd join us.

Alan wipes blood from his glasses. It smears across his face. In his hand he holds a disembodied limb that he has picked up.

Alan stands up, drops his limb, takes off his glasses to wipe them properly and says:

Alan
Ah.

He wipes his specs.

 Monk
S, set a course for Central Hall.

David Duchovny monk
Sir.

David flicks another clasp and the building jerks.

EXT - BARBICAN - NIGHT

The building flying off into space.

Cut to

EXT - YMCA - NIGHT

INT - YMCA - NIGHT

Jeremy and Jim are sat on the bed, staring at the walls.
Jim moves his arms back on the bed to support himself, and accidentally touches Jeremy's hand.
Jeremy and Jim lock eyes.
Love theme strikes up.
The door opens and the love theme falls away. Tom Baker is stood in the doorway with Sarah and Caroline.

Jim
What the...

Tom
Come on, you two... No time to explain.
We've got to get to the tardis!

They walk down the corridor. Jim and Jeremy at the rear.

Jim
But I lost the tardis years ago... One minute it was
there... next minute just a few blue paint scratches...

Tom
Not your tardis!

EXT - YMCA to ST JOHN FIELDS - NIGHT

Tom
Well... it is your tardis... but not in your time.

Jim
What?

Tom
I mean.... you haven't found your tardis yet.

Jeremy
What's he on about?

Sarah
Then this is really earth?

Tom
Yes. And this time, maybe we have a chance to save it.

Tom winds round an alleyway and almost walks into...

Christopher Eccleston.

Christopher
Jesus!

Tom
Not quite. But close... .. ... My god!

Christoper
Are you alright?

Jim
What is i... oh. Crumbs.

Caroline
What's going on?

Jeremy
I don't know.

Sarah
I do.

Christopher
You do?

Sarah
You're Jim. Long time no see...

Tom
Well not exactly... you do live with me...

Jim
Bloody hell... it's me!

Christopher
What?! Do I know you?

Sarah
Not yet. But I knew you once...

Christopher
Heh?

Tom
Whatever it is, it can wait. We have to get to the tardis!

Christopher
The tardis! Hey, what is this?
How do you know about the tardis?!

Jim
Where did you leave your tardis?

Tom
It's just over that hill.

Jim
Not you...

Christopher
Outside the barbican... why?

Jim
It's true. You are me...
but I never met with me before...

Sarah
What?

Christopher
Let's just get to the tardis.

Jim
The tardis isn't there.

Tom
Yes it is. I can see it.

Jim
Not yours!

Christopher
My tardis? Gone?

Jim
Yes.

Christopher
Where?

Jim
The same place that mine went when I was you?

Tom reaches the tardis and opens the door.

Tom
Look, can we not worry about this at
the moment... We don't have much time.

Sarah
What?

They clambour in.

 INT - TARDIS - CONT.

Tom falls at the console and starts frantically hitting buttons.

Tom
Setting coordinates for 731425. Locking fish ultra.

Caroline
Wow! This is like a real tardis!

Tom
That's right, dear.

Caroline
And you're the doctor!

Jeremy
Is she getting excited again?

Jim & Christopher
Actually, I'm the doctor...

Tom
Yes, we're all the doctor. All three of us.

Caroline
Wow! And you're really Sarah Michelle Gellar?!

Sarah
U-huh.

Tom hits the console.

Caroline
So is this tardis real and working and everything?!

Tom
For pity's sake will someone knock her out?!

Jim goes to Caroline.

Tom
Sorry, but I'm thinking. There's something that doesn't quite add up.

Jeremy
You can say that again...

Tom
No. Don't you see?

Sarah
I think I understand.

Tom
Hmm. Anyway, lets not worry about that... We don't have time.

Jeremy
Course we have time. We're in a fucking time-machine.

Tom
Yes, yes... of course... Do you want
a sonic screwdriver up your arse!?!

Jeremy
Actually...

Jim
Where are we going?

Tom
Central Hall. There's some things there we have to do.

Sarah
Save the world from evil, that sort of thing.

Jim
U-huh.

  Mix to

EXT - BACK OF THE BARBICAN WHERE THE OTHER TARDIS IS - NIGHT

The tardis is still there.

 The barbican isn't.

  Leon, Sally, Zed, Anna, Craig, Willow, Alana and Alex have reconvened. The first three have only just got there.

Sally
What the...

Anna
That's what we we're just saying.

Leon
Looks like someone beat us to another spaceship.

Zed
Hey, where's that other guy? Wasn't he with you?

Sally
Babysham... Where is he?

Willow
He's in a swamp, tethered to a tree.

Sally
Oh.

Willow
We've got to get help.

Leon
Then let us call the emergency services...

He goes to the tardis and opens the door.

The dark street is bathed in a white glow from the interior of the tardis.

Sally
What the...!

Everything goes white. The film spool flicks about.

  Cinema man (vo)
Ooh dear... We have forgotten to load up the final reel. Please be very
very patient while we put it in the projector. Sorry. Oh dear oh dear...

fade out

trailer break

black screen

Cinema man (vo)
Ladies and gentlepeople, we are humbly sorry that these
problems keep on happening. We have now loaded up the
final reel and we appologise a lot. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry...

fade out.

Fade up on final reel:

EXT - CENTRAL HALL - SPACE

The Barbican has been docked to it.

 Screaming over.

Mix to ECU of Davina Nicole (Aneka Rice), screaming. Pull out. She is blonde, and wheres khaki. We are:

INT - CENTRAL HALL

Mask
<off>
That will be enough.

We reach full shot as two geese step away. Davina is sweating and shaking.

Mask
Now. We shall ask you again... Remove the rings.

Davina
Never!

Mask
I shall ask you one more time... nicely. Please remove the rings.

Davina
No.

Mask
I see... Blind her.

More screaming from off camera.
John Sayles Monk walks up.

Sayles
We have sensed an alien presence in the foyer.

Mask
Is it them?

Sayles
I believe so.

Mask
Excellent. Have them brought to me at once.

Sayles
Very well, sire.

Cut to

INT - CENTRAL HALL FOYER

There is a tardis in background. The three Jims, Jeremy, Caroline & Sarah walk across the room.

Tom
This is it then...

Christopher
So how come you have a companion?

Tom
You mean you don't? I was presuming she must be with the others...

Christopher
Others?

Tom
Yes.

Jim
What others?

Tom
Your friends.

Christopher
Well anyway, I don't.

Tom
Dear me... you must be awfully lonely.

Christopher
Where do you get them?

Sarah
He picked me up in a bar.

Christopher
How?

Tom
You'd be surprised at what you can
pick up with a sonic screwdriver...

Christopher
Herpes, by the looks of things.

Jim
What I don't understand is... you died in heaven.

Sarah
Did I?

Tom
There is quite clearly some time-line
anomoly I don't quite understand.

Jim
Yes. I mean... I lost MY tardis in 1985.

Christopher
Hmm... Hang on. So mine might
still be parked outside the Barbican.

Tom
Oh, I doubt it.

Christopher
Why?

Tom
Because the Barbican's docked here.

Christopher
Then where's my Tardi...

There is the noise of a tardis materialising, coupled with the sound of Sarah screaming.

Cut to Sarah stood in an agonised manner as a tardis materialises around her struggling form.
As the tardis comes into full existence there is a horrible splattering noise.

Tom
Oh my.

Jim
God. Not again...

The tardis door flaps open.

Leon, Sally, Anna, Craig, Willow, Zed, Alex and Alana step out covered in jam.

Leon
Jesus christ... what happened?

Sally
Yuk.

Caroline
You...

Tom
You just killed Sarah.

Leon
Oh dear. Any idea where we are.

Jim
You just killed Sarah, Leon!

Sally
Sierra Leone?

Willow looks at Sally harshly.

 Leon
Sorry. What more can I say?

He unwraps a mars bar.

Enter a flock of geese commanded over by David Duchovny Monk.

David
Stay where you are.

Zed
Ah.

David
Nobody move.

Tom
Look. I'm really not in the mood for this...

He turns and is shot repeatedly in the chest by some kind of beak mounted laser gun. He crumples to the floor.

Jim
Hey! You just shot me!

He draws his bike-pump and leaps into the air.
Three geese sore up and lay into him. Bits of him rain down on everybody.
The bike pump falls to the floor and chops Christopher Eccleston down the middle.
Jim falls to earth in a heap.

Leon
Shit.

David
Any rebellion will be dealt with in like manner. Now calmly walk to the doorway.

They are marched out, leaving the three corpses behind.

Cut to

INT - CENTRAL HALL THRONE ROOM

Heroes being marched in.

Sat in the throne between the two canada geese is the Mask. Twelve greylags sit in executive chairs on a stansion below.

Mask
Place them in the cage.

Our heroes are locked in a cage opposite, with an eye-less Davina.

Leon
This is bloody marvellous.

David
Silence!

The cage is locked.

Mask
Now you will be able to watch us destroy the Earth.

Jeremy
Why do you want to destroy the Earth.

Mask
That is a question we are often asked...
You see... it's the pinacle of evil.

Jeremy
No it isn't.

Mask
Yes it is.

Jeremy
No.. no... The pinacle of evil involves toe-nails,
a pair of blunt plastic novelty scissors and Lowri Turner.

Mask
Really? Tell me more...

Jeremy
No.

Mask
Shit up his nostrils!

Two barnacle geese enter the cage and shit up Jeremy's nostrils.

Jeremy
Thankyou.

Mask
I beg your pardon.

Jeremy
Most enjoyable... You don't happen to
know what time Shopping City is on do you?

Mask
Guards! Beat the shit out of him!

The two monk fellas enter and start beating jeremy up. Then they leave again.

  Jeremy
Phwor! Do that again!

Mask
You're sick. Right... anyway, in ten minutes,
we will be blowing up the earth. Any questions?

Leon
Where do babies come from?

Mask
I see...

There is a blinding flash of light from the foyer.

Mask
What the...

From the swirling pale blue clouds enter three sillhouetted figures. They are Tom Baker, Frank Skinner and Anthony Head.

Frank
Are we interrupting anything?

The three each draw sonic screwdrivers, and start firing about the place.

The cage falls open and there is general commotion. Fight Sequence.

The doctors kick and stomp their way through sundry geese. It is difficult to work out what is happening.

The row of seats, where the twelve greylags sit, rise into the air and out of shot. They are on hydraulic arms.

From amidst the chaos, David and John draw guns on Frank and Tom. There is a click out of shot.

Craig
<off>
Don't anybody move.

Show that he has a big machine gun held to the head of Mask.

Mask
Drop your weapons.

The monks drop their weapons.

Craig
Well done. Now... who are you,
and why are you helping the geese?

He tugs the mask off. Reveal that it is Ant (Ben Kingsley)

Tom
Ant!?!

Ant
Yes. It is me.

Leon
It's always the quiet ones...

Caroline
What are you playing at?

Ant
Nothing. This is all a training exercise set by MI7.

John and David remove their latex faces. Reveal them to be Jim2 (Kevin Spacey) and Esteban (Guy Siner) respectively.

Leon
What!?!

Ant
And, I think we can safely say you passed...

Tom
But you killed me!

Jim2
Come off it! You've got plenty of lives left.

A.Head
Hah! Charming.

Davina
<still in cell>
What's going on?

Ant
You can put the gun down now, Craig.

Craig lowers his weapon. Ant spins and grabs Craig's arm. The gun falls off the gantry to the floor. A hand picks it up.

Craig
What the...

Zed
What's going on?!

Alan picks up the gun and puts it in Leon's mouth. The others have weapons pointed on the Jims et al.

  Alan
Allow me to explain...

Chris and Sai enter.
They are holding very big guns which they train on the ensembled crowd.

Alan
Life in hell was... well... not very nice.
It wasn't the paradise I was expecting.

Tom
You should have said something.

Alan
What?! And let them suss out I was a Christian?! No chance.
I'd be kicked up to heaven immediately. Shoot the demon.

Jeremy
Hey!

Jeremy recieves several volleys of fire and dies.

Jeremy
ooch...

Alan
Good. Now we are free. So I got in touch with MI sev...

Leon
<with a gun in his gob>
Er. You're hurting me.

Alan
Oh... sorry.

Alan shoots a bullet. Leon slumps to the ground out of shot.

Alan
Hmm. Anyway... MI7 came to my rescue
by setting up this little decoy. Thanks guys.

Ant
No problem.

Chris
Fine.

Alan
And now we're going to destroy the world.

Zed
Why?

 Zed is shot.

 Sally
Zed!

Alan
Because destroying the world will destroy heaven and hell...
Only that way can I be certain to have cheated death...

 Sally is shot.

A.Head
But surely you could still be killed...

Alan
No. I'm already dead. You can't kill someone more than once...

Zed & Sally get up.

Zed & Sally
What!?

Alan
Ah.

There is commotion as the already dead characters start to fight back and gunfire rips the room apart.

There is hissing.

Alan
STO--------P!

Tom
What?

Alan
Listen.

Sally
We've sprung a leak.

Caroline
It wasn't me.

Alan
No. This place could fall apart at any minute. Take her to land!

Ant
Very well, sir.

Willow
What's going on?

A.Head
Dead people can't die... But I'm willing to bet
that explosions can be a little messy for them.

Alan
Eternal pain... each body-part unable to reach the next as they
drift aimlessly through space. It's the icing on the cake.

Ant
Erm...

Alan
What's wrong?

Ant
The controls are dead.

Alan
What?!

Low angle shot of gantry doorway. Three daleks enter. Wide shot reveals the daleks are without top half. Instead, inside are geese.

Dalek voice
Stay where you are.

Other Dalek Voice
We have taken command of this ship.

Third Dalek voice
If you do not cooperate we will exterminate you.

A.Head
My god...

Chris and Craig exchange glances.

Alan
You unruly birds! You pose no threat to us.

DalekV
Exterminate!

Shot of Alan. Everything in shot turns negative. Alan melts.

 DalekV
Not even the dead can survive the wrath of the Greylag!

Davina tugs at Jim's sleeve.

Davina
What's happening?

Jim
I don't know.

Davina
Roughly.

Jim
Some geese have got hold of some dalek transporters.

DalekV
In five minutes, the world will be destroyed. Tell us how to
remove the restraining bolts on our legs and we will spare you.

Willow
What?!

Davina
Never.

DalekV
Then we are forced to remain within the Earth's
magnetosphere. We will all be killed in the blast.

 Davina
I shall take the secret with me to the grave.

Sally
Oh, for fuck's sake! Tell them the secret or we will be blown
to little pieces and will never get put back together again.

Davina
We must think about the earth.

Tom
Fuck the earth. I wan't to keep in one piece.

DalekV
We can not reverse the chain reaction that
will destroy the earth. The decision is yours.

Davina
No.

Sally
What!?!

Anna
Can't you saw them off or something.

DalekV
No.

Davina
No.

Sally
Why the hell not?!

Davina
I have my principles.

Chris
Oh, for fuck's sake.

He shoots her and she dies.

DalekV
What are you doing?!

Chris
Catch.

He throws a grenade into the Dalek unit. It is a small explosion but the goose becomes merely feathers.

Craig
Pass me some of those!

A second unit fires its extermination ray at Chris who rolls out of shot just in time.

Chris
<to camera>
Hey, director... can you try to leave us off frame when they do that?

 Brian Tufano BSC
<2nd unit director>
It'll cost y'...

Sai walks up to him, hands him a fan of notes and kisses him on the cheek. She walks off and Brian puts his thumb up.

Chris throws another grenade and another goose pops.
Craig off-spins one and there are much feathers.
An extermination ray: shot of some metalwork in the corner goes negative.

Chris
Cool.

Sai blasts through a row of three geese with her gun.

A.Head
Careful you don't breach the hull.

Chris throws another grenade which falls down the side of a dalek unit and tips it over. The goose crawls out.

Shot of exterminator. Shot with nothing much in. Chris's elbow just.

Chris
ArghhH!!! Watch it!

Chris nurses his elbow.
A goose flies at his kneck.
Sai guns it down.
Chris falls backwards. He is strewn with bullet holes. He gurgles a little then shakes out of it. His throwing arm drops to the floor though. Literally.

Chris
Ah.

Craig lobs another grenade. It is caught in the beak of a goose.

Craig
Good 'ands!

The goose explodes.

 Tom
<to Alex>
Didn't you used to be a goose?

Alex
Uh?

 Shot of goose explodeing.

Alana
Ignore him.

Alex
Yes, my spitoon of macabre phlegm.

Another goes up.

Tom
Do we need to kill Alex?

Another.

Alex
Try it and die.

A goose flies at Alex from the side.
Without looking Alex whips a hand up and grabs it's neck just inches before it would have impacted with Alex's head.
He brings the hand down, the goose writhing in his grip, and he squeezes. The goose dies.

Alex
I think we should get away from here.

Zed
But the computers are locked. We're doomed.

A.Head
Then we'd better un-lock them then, hadn't we...

Ant
I'm onto it.

He is bashing at the controls.
 
 

Ant
It's no good.

Zed
We're doomed...

Anna
We could always use the tardises...

Tom
Quick! We haven't much time!

Est
Ten seconds to detonation.

Tracking shot of them running to the tardises.

As they run intercut to ever closing-in shot of Esteban counting down.

Est
One!

They shut the doors of the tardis.

Est
(VO)
Zero!

EXT - MI7, FULFORD - DAWN

INT - GENERIC OFFICE

On a throne sits Karen (Helen Atkinson-Wood). On the desk is a wooden prism with 'Chairman - MI7' written on in gold.
She looks at her watch. There is a terrific explosion that engulfs her and the room.

 EXT - MI7, FULFORD - DAWN

Shot of MI7 exploding.
Shot of Houses of Parliament exploding.
Shot of Sheffield Town Hall Extension (egg box) exploding.
Shot of a giant palace in heaven exploding.
Shot of a small pineapple tree in a large plantpot in an oak-pannelled room in Baddersley Clinton. Explosion.
Shot of Babysham up to his kneck in swamp, looking pleadingly at the camera. Explosion.

Shot of planet earth exploding.

Shot of the fireball racing towards the moon, ripping the moon apart and sending lumps of molten rock splodging into the Central Hall & the Barbican.

INT - CENTRAL HALL FOYER

Two tardises are half de-materialised as the fireball sweeps through. Screams. Destruction.

Everything calms down eventually.

All is silent.

Stars fade to black.

Credits roll. Closing title music by Heather Nova.

Credits continue after the song as follows (excerpt from Ep.3)
Under the credits appears a computer rendering of Mr. Chips flying around planet earth.
he following is voice-overs.

Stew (Ewan MacGreggor)
Wow! Catchphrase!

Roy W.
What's Mr Chips doing now? Remember, just say what you see.

Alex
Fly me to the moon?

Roy W.
It's good but it's not right.

Jane (Gabi Roslin)
Fish and Chips?

Roy W.
Riiiiiiiiiight!

Leon
What?

Jim
How can it be? What's the fish?

Roy W.
Don't talk to me about fish...

Jim
What is it?

Roy W.
My wife gave birth yesterday... to.. a...

Leon
To a fish?

Roy W.
Yes.

Alex
Very David Lynch.

Stew
You shouldn't feel down.

Roy W.
What?

Fred Harris
He's right you know.

Roy W.
Sorry?

Jim
We'll show you.

Music starts up. Computer image disolves into pixels that whoosh around the screen.

Fred
On drums, Gus Mason!

Pretty descending pixels. Drums ad lib.

Fred
On cars, his dad, Nick!

Pixels whoosh from side to side with engine revs over.

 Fred
On keyboards, Caroline Burnholm!

Diagonal top left botom right with KB flourish.

 Fred
On vocals, the Wicked Witch of the West and the Good Witch Yoni!

Dotty patterns.

Fred
On bass, Stew Jester!

Bass solo as the screen flashes chaoticaly

Fred
On Guitars, Gordon Frizzard and Rod, Lord of Maygar!

spiral patterns

Fred
And on multifarious excess percussion, Jim, Leon, Alex and Jane!

Bongos et al, then Gus fills spectacularly.
The pixels become a beautiful swirly visual representation of the music.

Berlin (Violet Berlin)
Hang on! The party's on,
The milkman's on his way!

Yoni (Gilli Smith)
Get up, get ready to rock,
The gasman's made of hay.

Stew
Hey you, you make the things I really do
Feel just like goo-a-oo-oo.

Caroline
Hold up! Getty ready get up,
The taxman's gonna say...

Roy W.
See my baby dive
See my baby dive
 She's got scales and fins
And she really swims
Oh-oh oh-oh a-oh-oh-oh.
 See my baby dive

Caroline
Mango, pear and chive...
Such a crazy dive

Leon
Pink banana...

Alex
...scythe

Roy W.
And everyone you meet walking down the street
Come to see my baby dive.

Berlin
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah
Woh-a-oh ooh-wah ooh-wah

Rod (Peter Davison) & Gordon (Russell Senior):
dangangar dangangar dangangar dangangar dang... dat dar!

Gus hammers pationately on the skins.

The music ends. The colour drips off the screen leaving it black. The final credits edge past...

Roy W.
Thanks, guys. I feel much better!

Fred
Don't mention it...

Jim
It was nothing.

Roy W.

humming the tune happily...panning out left.
 
 

Alex
What's going on?

Fred
It's a long story, and the details are unimportant.
Let's just say, It's time you went home...

Credits end. All is black.
 
 

Caption:
1985

Fade up:

 EXT - BACK OF BARBICAN - DAY

A tardis materialises in York, beside the Barbican Theatre.
Christopher Eccleston exits. Looks about and then leaves the shot to the right.

Ant exits the barbican and gets in the tardis.

The tardis dematerialises.

Caption:
1998

INT - THE LIFT ON MR. CHOPS - DAY

The door zjungs open. In walks a cleaning lady. She has dark hair and wears hooped ear-rings.
She is Barnie (Pam Ferris). She pushes in a floor waxer. She enters and the door shuts behind her.
The tardis materialises in the lift.
Barnie screams as half of her body gets materialised over.

Ant steps out. He sees what he has done and re-enters the tardis which dematerialises leaving behind the dead cleaner.

Stay on this shot for a while. The camera jerks and the lift motor activates.
 After a short while the camera jerks again. The motor stops. The door opens.

                             From centre of shot, wipe to black with doors.

 to Episode Nine