EPISODE NINE:
PART ONE:

INT - STARGATE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

A dark, musty room with a TV providing the only light.
The flicker gives us views of flock wallpaper and wood panels.
The atmosphere is smokey.

Caption:
June 2001

Track round TV set.
TV voice over, recorded through TV on set:

Last night saw the first Big Brother murder when
Narinder viciously knifed Helen repeatedly to an audience of
"quite a lot really" on E4 and streaming video.
While Channel 4 is forced to broadcast images of fields
at 10pm from now until next month,
we at ACNC TV have dug up the roots of the
reality tv genre and we present them here now
by way of a choice of viewing.

Midway through the above we centre on the TV which shows an anim of Mr Chips from Catchphrase, flying around a BBC style globe.
At the bottom is written "ACNC TV".
This fades out.
Mix from TV shot to actual footage.

EXT - YORK UNI - DAY

Establish, the lake with prefab concrete buildings around. Two men dressed as geese (Fred Harris and Derek Griffiths) waddle in.

Geese Men:
Honk honk.

vibrant theme music with strong beat. negative images of porters waving their hands at the camera, real geese etc.

Caption:
"Little Sister".

INT - RAY, THE KITCHEN - DAY

Establish - some studenty types wander around. They look like they have only just gotten up.

Caption:
"Coming up..."

the studenty types laugh and joke.

Caption:
"funny gags"

cut to a tea bag stuck to a wall.

Caption:
"and tea bags..."

INT - MR CHOPS, THE CORRIDOR - DAY

Shot of Leon walking down corridor carrying a stuffed elephant.

Narrator
(John Cleese applying fake geordie accent)
 It has been ten hours since the public evicted Tomy.
Little Sister has instructed Leon to take the stuffed elephant
the inmates have named Jo-Jo to the store cupboard.
Jo-Jo represents a mysterious eleventh inmate
that the other inmates are not yet aware of.
The public have chosen this inmate from
three people put up for selection at the start of the first week.
They chose Alan over Jim2 and Ant.

Leon leaves the elephant in the cupboard.
He exits and shuts the door. he wanders off to kill something.
Midge enters the corridor carrying a teapot.
As she passes the store cupboard, the door opens and out walks Alan.
Midge drops the teapot. It doesn't smash.

Midge
Who are you?!

Alan
Hi. I'm Alan. I've been voted in.

Midge
Wh..?

Alex
(appearing from his room)
What's happening?

Alan
Hi. I'm Alan. I've been voted in.
(same footage)

Alex
Voted in? That's not very fair. Hi.
(shakes hands)

Midge shakes hands too.

cut to later, all inmates in:

INT - RAY - DAY

Caption:
"Day 15. 14:32"

Narrator
It is 2:30 and the inmates have by now got used to Alan.
Little Sister has asked the group to discuss
their experiences of school trips.

Sat round the table are the inmates (for this sequence they're made to look younger than they are):
Alan (Hugh Hopper) - wears glasses and has curly hair.
Alex (Vincent Perez) - wearing sunglasses, and cutting his toe-nails with a stanley knife.
Midge (Mel Giedroyc) - wears glasses. smokes gently.
Leon (Jean Reno) - wears glasses. drinks from a cup of coffee whilst reading two music manuscripts simultaneously.
Jim (Christopher Eccleston) - wears contact lenses. is reading a computer magazine.
Chris (Christian Slater) - wears glasses. is making a cup of tea.
Economics (Phil Daniels) - smokes. reads a music magazine.
Stew (Ewan McGregor) - has much hair. is sawing at a chair with a bread knife.
Babysham (Guy Pearce) - wears glasses; isn't noticably cyborg.

Babysham
We went to France on an exchange trip.

Jim
Yeah? We went to Germany.
They took us down this mine and told us all about it.
But we didn't understand a word cos they didn't speak English.

Stew
You must have been very much in the dark.

Leon hits Stew round the head with one of his books.

Alan
The year above us went to France.
And the year below went to Belgium.

Midge
Where did your year go?

Alan
We went to Sellafield.

Chris
That explains a lot.

a buzzer sounds.

Anna
(vo)
Can Jim please come to the store-room...

Econ
Ooh. What've you done now.

Jim
Nothing, as far as I'm aware...

Jim goes to:

INT - STORE ROOM - CONT

...and sits on a box full of projectors. He waits for the door to close.
 
 

Anna
(vo)
Hello, Jim.

Jim
Hello Little Sister.

Anna
How are you getting on with Alan?

Jim
Not bad at all. He seems alright.
Bit of a surprise having him here.

Anna
Little Sister would like to remind you that it is her birthday soon.

Jim
Oh. right. Ok. Is that all?

Anna
Yes. Thankyou.

Jim
Can I just ask one thing?

Anna
You may ask a question, yes.

Jim
Will there be any jokes in this?

<beat>

Anna
Little Sister will get back to you.

Jim
I'll take that as a no then.

<beat>

Jim gets up and leaves.

footage rewinds.

INT - STARGATE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Shot at a distance showing flickering glow of telly again as the footage rewinds and the video clicks to play again.

Jim
Can I just ask one thing?

Anna
You may ask a question, yes.

Jim
Will there be any jokes in this?
<beat>

Anna
Little Sister will get back to you.

Jim
I'll take that as a no then.
<beat>

As we get this again, we see a reverse angle.
[Our usual] Babysham operating a remote control. He is sat in a large leather armchair. His electronic eye glows behind his floppy hair.

click. rewind. click. play.

Jim
Will there be any jokes in this?
<beat>

click. rewind. click. play.

shot of TV, close up.

Jim
Will there be any jokes in this?
<beat>

Step zoom to ECU of TV, so we can see all the little coloured dots.

Anna
Little Sister will get back to you.

A motorbike-booted foot crashes through the screen. Bleach out with explosion.

INT - STARGATE KITCHEN - NIGHT

Babysham enters a galley kitchen from the left of shot, wearing a red smoking jacket.
Track his actions as he moodily picks his way about the place.
It is a dump. Pots are stacked high on the draining board.
The fridge has REDRUM and SCUNTHORPE on in magnets. SCUNTHORPE is spelt out using two Cs locked together to make the S, a C for the U, an inverted U for N, an inverted L for T, an inverted J for R, an inverted 3 for E. UTD is spelt out below. The D is an inverted P.

Babysham makes a bowl of custard in this darkened and rather brown set.
As he pours the boiling water into the enpowdered bowl we are treated to an overhead shot depicting the swirling and foaming yellow broth.

View from the opposite wall to before, showing the reflection of the kitchen in the night-time window. Outside we can see little.
Babysham grabs his bowl and leaves from the same door that he entered.
Shot from outside, looking through the window. We see Babysham leave, turning the kitchen light off. We are left with a faint glow from the door he went through, with his silhouette getting engulfed by the distant murk.

INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Back in the living room, the molten TV smoulders on the shagpile carpet.
Babysham sits in his chair.
He gets comfy and begins to eat his custard.
A victorian bell rings. Shot of the coil-spring bell in the murk of the coving.
Babysham looks up at the bell.
He waits. It rings again. He resignedly gets up out of his chair, leaving his custard on a coffee table.
He passes through a door near the bell, to the right rear of shot. The door is ornate.
Through the door is:

INT - DARK HALLWAY - CONT.

Candles flicker in the darkness, and semi-illuminate paintings of regency girls on swings suspended from trees.
At the end of the hall is the front door. The layout recalls 69. But darker and more opulent.

The bell has rung again as Babysham reaches the front door.
He draws a large key from his smoking-jacket pocket. It is a big iron key. It gets put in the door lock. The key turns. ECU of this. The door swings open.

EXT - STREET - NIGHT

Shot from beyond the door as Babysham pulls it open and steps towards camera.
Shot from above as Babysham steps out onto the step.
Long shot from in the road. Babysham stood in the glow of the candle-light. No-one else about. He looks about.
Really wide angle.
Shot left.
Shot right.
Nobody. Although in the middle of the road is a police box.
Babysham doesn't consider this unusual and nor should we.
CU of Babysham looking right, shot from rear-right.

INT - DARK HALLWAY - NIGHT

Shot from down the hall showing Babysham stood outside. He looks towards us.

INT - LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

Shot from kitchen doorway, looking across the television to the hallway. Babysham is just out of view but the changing quality of light and the noise of the door tell us that the door is shutting.
Pan steadily left to reveal Babysham sat in the chair eating his custard. He has just about finished it. He looks up at the hallway, and rests the bowl on the chair arm. He reaches over it for the remote which is on the coffee table, knocking the bowl off the arm and onto the floor. It makes a nice clatter.
As he bends to pick the bowl up, he sees something from the kitchen, and peers that way.
Shot from over Babysham's shoulder, showing a figure is lurking in the kitchen.

INT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Shot through kitchen door showing that it is Babysham making beans on toast in the darkness.
Shot from window-wall - A door to the right (opposite the living room door), where a toilet might be, opens, and the room is bathed in light.
Shot from opposite this door (living room) to show:

INT - WHITE GLOWING 2001 ROOM

...the glowing white 2001 room (the one at the end of the film).
Alan is crossing the floor. He approaches the door. As he reaches the door:

BABYSHAM
You left the bread open.

Mid-way through this we cut to a shot from the window-wall so that the door is seen at right angles and we find ourselves back at:

INT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Alan enters and the door is left open such that all light for this shot is from the right.

ALAN
I find it offensive that you come in here,
see the bread open and immediately think "oh, it's Alan".

BABYSHAM
Who else is it likely to be?

ALAN
Well obviously it WAS me,
because there's nobody else here,
but it's just that you assume...

BABYSHAM
It's gone stale.

ALAN
Yes. Sorry about that.

Babysham passes the loaf to Alan having sawn off two slices and put them on the grill.
Alan squeezes the loaf.

ALAN
It's not too bad.

It's like a brick.

BABYSHAM
It's like a brick.

ALAN
Yes. I suppose so.

Babysham stirs his beans.

ALAN
I'm sorry.

More stirring.

ALAN
Who was at the door?

BABYSHAM
Me, I think.

ALAN
Oh. Was that happening again?

BABYSHAM
Yeah.

ALAN
I hate it when that happens.

BABYSHAM
I'm getting used to it.

ALAN
At least we found this place.
It was really screwing up my eyes.

Alan walks into:

INT - LIVING ROOM - CONT.

The molten telly has been replaced by a new one. It is broadcasting static into the room.

ALAN
It was like living in a fridge.

Cut back to:

INT - KITCHEN - NIGHT

Babysham who is looking in the fridge for some margarine.

Back to:

INT - LIVING ROOM

Alan, who has been disturbed by something in the darkness beyond the chair.
Reverse angle to see Alan and beyond into:

INT - KITCHEN

where Babysham says:

BABYSHAM
Looks like the aliens have been at the butter again.

INT - LIVING ROOM (which we never really left just then but anyway...)

Shot of Alan, looking into the shadows. From out of the shadows walks a latex-aged Alan.
Reverse angle.

FIRST ALAN
Oh for pity's sake...

INT - KITCHEN

Babysham turns to look. Shot from behind Babysham to see that first Alan has gone and that Old Alan has walked into his place.
Reverse again to show Babysham pulling an "oh no not again" face.
He makes to put the marge back. He is still holding the knife he has spread his toast with.
He opens the fridge. Something inside startles him. He drops his knife. Shot of knife clattering to floor in slow motion.
Shot from Alan looking into kitchen where Babysham is obscured by fridge door.

BABYSHAM
My god!

ALAN
What?

BABYSHAM
It's full of stars!

Shot of generic fridge interior. Gilliam-esque cut outs of celebrities dance about inside. Include Gloria Hunniford, Ainsley Harriott, Fern Britten, Adam Hart-Davis, Carol Vorderman, Derek Hatton, Tiny Tim, and Helen Worth.

The door shuts suddenly.
Shot from window-sill of Babysham melodramatically shutting the door and leaning against it, knocking the magnets to the floor.
He looks each way apprehensively.
From the door at the left of shot is wheeled in an upright decaying corpse in the form of Alan.
Tilt down very slowly to the music of Richard Strauss.
Slowly scan the floor to show the knife and the magnets on the tiles.
The magnets have spelt out "The New Soap IX".

Camera pulls back and down to floor level and tracks back through the skirting board, with two units rising like the Death Star Trench to either side. As we pull back, the units are closed to give the illusion that the camera is passing through a smaller space than it is. Extreme care is needed when eventually the camera passes out at the other end, where the units are shown to actually be two rows of large leather-bound books. As the camera pulls well clear and the floor drops away into a bookshelf, a hand reaches in and puts another book in the created gap. The books bare the titles of previous New Soap episodes.
The replaced tome is episode 5 (of 9 in shot).
Pull out further to show that the hand belongs to Stew, and that we are in:

INT - BOOKSHOP - DAY

Stew is stood behind an old-fashioned glass-top counter with an equally old-fashioned till.
Books are stacked here and there and papers strewn. The place should vaguely resemble Rare 'n' Racy in Sheffield.

Bell on door rings. Stew looks up.
CU of bell still shaking and top of open door. Door shuts. Bell keeps shaking.
Shot of counter. A large and dusty leather and brass bound book slams down in a cloud of filth.
Shot of Stew looking down at the book and coughing.

STEW
What's that?

Reverse angle to show a man in a black cowl. His face is obscured by a hood.
A hand draws from the sleeves and smooths away a mass of dust from the top of the book. In gothic gold lettering it says:
"The Chronicle of Enderon"

STEW
Crikey.

He looks each way, nervously.

STEW
Did anyone see you?

The figure shakes it's head.

STEW
Come this way.

Stew comes from behind the counter to lead the monk aside, but as he does, the bell goes.
Shot of the door to show Leon entering.

LEON
Hello. <to monk:> Hello, Alex.

ALEX (for tis he)
Hello.

STEW
Look what he's brought.

LEON
Ooh. Looks like he's broke the counter too.

Show that the glass top has cracked.

STEW
Oh yes.

ALEX
Oh dear. Never mind.

LEON
Never mind? That was a good counter.

ALEX
I'm sure you'll find a better one.

LEON
Hmm.

Leon sips from a cup of coffee that has materialised in his mitt.

STEW
If you'd care to accompany me to the back room.

He leads them through into:

INT - BACK ROOM - CONT.

Cut to Stew, now seated in the back room at a table, with the book open.
Leon and Alex are stood. Stew is reading.

LEON
So where did you get it?

ALEX
(pulling back his hood)
That's irrelevant. How much are you willing to pay?

Stew looks up at Leon.

LEON
I think we can probably stretch to a fiver can't we, Stew?

STEW
A-huh.

ALEX
No way. This thing's worth at least twice that.

STEW
Two fifty?

LEON
Leave the bartering to me, Stew. Eight.

ALEX
Nine.

LEON
Eight thirty.

ALEX
Done.

The clock strikes half the hour.
Stew digs into his pocket and produces some money which he hands Alex.
Leon puts his mug down and shakes Alex's hand.

LEON
You drive a hard bargain.

STEW
<matter-of-factly as he scrutinises the book>
Lucifer wanted to buy his soul, you
know... But they couldn't agree terms.

Stew turns pages.

ALEX
All this selling your soul to the devil
business. Lease your soul instead.

Stew reads with his finger. He sits upright.

STEW
Have you read this?

ALEX
No.

STEW
I think you should take a look.

Shot from behind book showing Leon and Alex peering over Stew's shoulder.
A hand appears from within the book, stretching up. The three pull back. The hand flags them off.
Stew shuts the book shut, trapping the hand. The hand fights back like Sweep might, before losing and retreating into the book.
Alex grabs a pile of books and stacks them on top of the closed tome.

ALEX
That was different.

STEW
Yes it was.

LEON
That wasn't what you were showing us was it?

STEW
No. It explained the solution to the Chef's Local Pheasant riddle.

ALEX
Go on...

STEW
Well I didn't get to the end of it...

LEON
I see.

Film rewinds.
Cut to:

INT - STARGATE LIVING ROOM - NIGHT

CU of TV with footage clicking and playing again.

STEW
Well I didn't get to the end of it...

LEON
I see.

Rewind.

Babysham is trying to press play. The TV is rewinding a lot. Floating in front is a space-baby with features a little like Alan's.

BABYSHAM
Get out the way.

The baby floats off shot.
Babysham turns the TV off.

BABYSHAM
Can't you float somewhere else?

Shot of a little child Alan.

ALAN
I'm not floating anymore.

BABYSHAM
No. I see that now. Let's go a walk.

ALAN
Ok.

EXT - STREET - NIGHT

High shot of the street. Babysham and normal Alan exit their house.
Alan points at the police box.

ALAN
Has that always been there?

BABYSHAM
Probably.

Low shot of police box, looking up. Wailing full choir plays.
Alan's hand enters shot.
As he is about to touch the box, the door opens. Music cuts.
Out steps Jim. Jim is in Anthony Head mode.

JIM
Oh. Hello.

ALAN
Jim?

JIM
The same.

Sarah Michelle Gellar appears from behind him.

SARAH
Hi.

BABYSHAM
How long have you two been here?

JIM
Not sure.

BABYSHAM
I see. Do you know where we are?

JIM
You don't know?

ALAN
No.

JIM
Let me explain.

Jim is swamped in pretty purple lighting as we mix to an initially sepia tinted flashback.

INT - CENTRAL HALL- SPACE

The fighting from the end of Ep.8. A goose flies at Alex from the side.
Without looking, Alex whips a hand up and grabs it's neck just inches before it would have impacted with his head.
He brings the hand down, the goose writhing in his grip, and he squeezes. The goose dies.

Alex
I think we should get away from here.

Zed
But the computers are locked. We're doomed.

Jim (A. Head)
Then we'd better un-lock them then, hadn't we...

Ant
I'm onto it.

He is bashing at the controls.

Ant
It's no good.

Zed
We're doomed...

Anna
We could always use the tardises...

Tom
Quick! We haven't much time!

Est
Ten seconds to detonation.

Tracking shot of them running to the tardises.
As they run intercut to ever closing in shot of Esteban counting down.

Est
One!

They shut the doors of the tardis.

 Est
(VO)
Zero!

Shot of planet earth exploding.
Shot of the fireball racing towards the moon, ripping the moon apart and sending lumps of molten rock splodging into the Central Hall & the Barbican.
Shot of the Central Hall foyer. Two tardises are half de-materialised as the fireball sweeps through. Screams. Destruction.
Everything calms down eventually.
Stars.
Fade out.

Fade up on:

EXT- STARFIELD - SPACE

A space-ship is drifting in it. The space-ship is not unlike the one from 2001.
The silence builds up into Ligerti-esque wailing choirs.
Then debris starts floating by. The debris is human flesh. Bits of it. It drifts by.
Some of it starts glowing green. The green flesh swirls and begins to congeal in a roughly human shape.
The glowing is the glowing of a timelord regenerating. In this case it is a timelord who can't die: our Jim (who was previously Tom Baker for a short while).
He regenerates into (naked) Anthony Head mode, as he drifts towards the ship.
There is an exploded open airlock and Head manages to float near it, and grab the door-frame.
He pulls in. He is holding his breath and trying to keep himself from exploding.
He finds an emergency over-ride for the pressure door which is forced open, and there is a huge explosion of air.
Jim grips tightly to a ladder and breathes at last as the wind rushes past him.
The wind drowns out the wailing which can fade out discretely.
He struggles up the ladder as the air sucks out of the ship and the wind slowly decreases.

INT - SPACESHIP - SPACE

Once past the door he hits the close mechanism before struggling into the hold and hitting an internal repressurisation button.
Then he collapses.
Then he regenerates again. And takes on the appearance of Rod, Lord of Maygar (Peter Davison).
He looks around here and there.
Then he gets up. Checks himself over. Then walks around the ship, still nude.
He finds a space-suit and puts it on.
He sits at the flight console where he sees his reflection in a dead monitor. Mix of surprise and shock.
Then he shrugs it off and tries to start the ship. To no avail. He fiddles and gets the monitor to switch on. A prompt comes up.
It says "AVDOS>" Rod (we shall call him Rod as it makes things easier) types LOG.
Some short bumph about the computer breaking down.
Types: RUN "BACKUP COMP"
The screen then goes all BBC and loads in a nice old fashioned tape deck kind of way.
Then the screen flicks off, and the familiar scrolling meaningless machinecode of AX3 springs into life.

AX3
 (voice of Dominick Diamond)
Good evening. I'm AX3. How can I help you?

ROD
We need to get to Gallifrey.

AX3
What star system is that?

ROD
I don't know.

AX3
I see. Well I'll have to do a computer search.
I don't suppose you know how Gallifrey is spelt do you?

ROD
I'm guessing it's GALLIFREY, but I could be wrong.

AX3
I see. Well, give me a few hours and
I'll see what we can come up with.

ROD
Thankyou. I don't suppose I can
get any food around here can I?

AX3
You could try the canteen.

ROD
Where's that?

AX3
Downstairs, third right.

ROD
Thankyou.

Cut to:

INT - CANTEEN

Rod entering. The canteen is empty except for Midge and Ivy (Sue Perkins) who are wearing white overalls and are working behind the counter where there's masses of foodstuffs.

ROD
Oh, hello.

MIDGE
Rod, Lord of Maygar?!

ROD
Actually, no... It's Jim Barrett.

IVY
Ha ha! Yeah.
What can we do for you, Rod?
Where's Jane?

ROD
Um... No really. I'm Jim Barrett.

MIDGE
Do you want your usual flaming hogroast, Rod?

ROD
No. Look. Honestly. I'm Jim Barrett.

IVY
What, Siddor?

ROD
No! That was... that was my father...

MIDGE
Well whoever you are,
if you don't want your hogroast what do you want?

ROD
Have you got anything vegetarian?

IVY
We've got some sprouts.

ROD
Is that all?

IVY
Mmm. Yup.

ROD
Ok. Well I suppose I can eat any vegetable if necessary...
....except  parsnips.

Last part of above line delivered with low CU and dramatic chord.

IVY
We haven't got any parsnips.

ROD
Good

IVY
You want sprouts then?

ROD
Yes. I suppose so.

IVY
I'll go and get them then.

MIDGE
Have a seat and I'll bring them over.

ROD
Righto.

He sits down. Shot of table from over Rod's shoulder. Then a plate of parsnips comes around and gets put on the table.
Rod recoils sending the table and parsnips flying. Shot from two angles.

ROD
Argh!

MIDGE
What's wrong with you!

ROD
They... They are...
They are not sprouts!

MIDGE
Aren't they?

IVY
 Is something wrong?

MIDGE
Rod here reckons these aren't sprouts.

ROD
 I'm not Rod.

IVY
Well what does he reckon they are then?

MIDGE
What are they if they aren't sprouts.

ROD
They're parsnips...

MIDGE
(picking one up)
Parsnips?
(brandishing it at Rod)
These are parsnips?

Rod pulls back and knocks it away.

MIDGE
Hey. Calm down.

IVY
What's got into you.

ROD
I just don't like parsnips.

MIDGE
But them's sprouts.

ROD
I'm telling you they're not.

IVY
You're delusional, pal.

ROD
I'm not delusional. Sprouts are small
and round like little cabbages.

MIDGE
Like these.

ROD
What?!

IVY
You are sick.

MIDGE
Space-crazy.

IVY
Yeah.

ROD
I see. Well in that case,
I'm not going to talk to you any more.

MIDGE
Ok.

IVY
Fine.

<long pause>

ROD
Do you really have no other vegetables?

MIDGE
I thought you weren't talking to us.

ROD
I wasn't, but I'm really really hungry.

IVY
No more vegetables.

ROD
Any Wheat Crunchies?

IVY
Nope.

ROD
What do you have?

IVY
We can't tell you.

ROD
Why not?

MIDGE
Because if we do, Terry Jones will sue us.

ROD
Oh dear.

IVY
Especially being as you're a Viking.

ROD
Look. Please.
I'm not Rod of Maygar.
Honestly.

AX3
Sorry to interrupt the festivities,
but I've found Gallifrey.

ROD
At last. Thankyou.

AX3
Estimated flight duration is six years three months
one week and seven days.

ROD
One week and seven days?

AX3
Six years, three months
one week and seven days.

ROD
No. Look.
One week and seven days.
Why not just say two weeks?

AX3
 Um...

ROD
Wait a minute... Six years!?

AX3
Six years, three months,
one week and.. oh, that's a two!
Can't read my own machine-code. Two days.

ROD
Just two days. Thank god...

AX3
Yes. Six years, three months,
one week and two days.

ROD
(to Midge)
Six years? Is that usual?

Midge shrugs.

ROD
Ok. I need food.
You really have nothing apart from...

IVY
Apart from our tinned spiced processed
meat product... that's right.

MIDGE
And your flaming hogroast.

ROD
 I see. And do these things look like I'd expect them to?
Or do they all look like parsnips?

IVY
They look like what they're supposed to look like.

ROD
How do Jewish astronauts cope?

Midge shrugs (use same footage).

IVY
I don't know... how do Jewish astronauts cope?

ROD
No. It's not a joke...

MIDGE
Oh.

ROD
Well ok. Look. How much food do we have?
Is there enough for six years?

IVY
Oh yes.

ROD
But it's all reconstituted ham?

MIDGE
Yes.

ROD
Ok. I'll save the hogroast for another three years.
Get me some... some of that tinned meaty stuff.

IVY
Righteo.

ROD
Fifteen years of vegetarianism down the tube.

Fade.

Caption:
Six years, three months, one week and two days later.

Fade up on canteen. Rod is munching on some Spam.
Around him are several hundred used tins with masking tape over the name.
Rod pushes his plate away.

AX3
 Now approaching orbit.

In walks Leon.

ROD
Leon?!

LEON
Oh. Hello. Who are you?

ROD
I'm Jim.

LEON
Hello, Jim. Why do you know my name?

ROD
We used to live together.
That is to say, we shared a house...
...not a bed.

LEON
Oh. right. That probably explains it then.

ROD
Explains what?

LEON
 Why you know me.

ROD
Don't you recognise me then?

LEON
Should I?

ROD
Damn, of course. I look like Rod of Maygar!

LEON
Rod of who?

ROD
Rod of Maygar? You remember... Viking god fella.
Helped us find Alex; was with us when we got
brainwashed by the evil Fred Harris.

LEON
Nope. Not ringing any bells.
Mind you, they reckon short term amnesia's one of the side effects
of a prolonged stint in hyper sleep.

ROD
What?

LEON
Nope. Not ringing any bells. Mind you,
they reckon short term amnesia's one of the side effects
of a prolonged stint in hyper sleep.
(same footage)

ROD
There's a hypersleep facility on this ship?

LEON
Yes. Didn't anyone mention it?

ROD
No!

LEON
Oh well. Never mind.
If it's any consolation, it was a bit smelly.

ROD
That's not really any consolation.

LEON
Oh. Ok.

ROD
 I'm really rather annoyed about that actually.

LEON
Yes. I can see why you would be.

ROD
 Yes. Well I am.

LEON
Oh well. I still don't know who you are.

ROD
No.

LEON
Who did you say you were again?

ROD
 Jim. Jim Barrett?

LEON
What? Siddor?

ROD
No!

LEON
Oh.

ROD
Not Siddor. His. His... son.

LEON
Oh. Should I have heard of you?
Oh we were housemates, you said.

ROD
Yes.

LEON
You sure you're not confusing me with someone else?

ROD
 You're Leon aren't you?

LEON
Yes.

ROD
 Ah!

LEON
Ah!?

ROD
Of course.

LEON
Of course?

ROD
I bet you're a different Leon.

LEON
 A different Leon?

ROD
Yeah. You know?
From that whole planet of Leons?

LEON
Whole planet of Leons?

ROD
Yes?

LEON
Are you ok?

ROD
I think so. I'm beginning to wonder...

LEON
I'm pretty sure there's only one of me.

ROD
 No. There's loads.

LEON
A whole planet full?

ROD
Yeah. Glecon 7 I think they call it.

LEON
Oh. I wish someone had told me.

AX3
We are now in orbit around Gallifrey.
Life readings: None.

ROD
What?!

AX3
We are now in orbit around Gallifrey.
Life readings: None.

ROD
None?

AX3
That's right.

ROD
Are you sure?

AX3
Yes. Unless it's an eight.
It could be an eight. No. It's a zero.

ROD
Oh.

AX3
Well ok then. An oh. Sorry.
People can be so finicky.

LEON
What are we doing at Gallifrey?

ROD
I wanted to get hold of a tardis.

LEON
Oh. Couldn't you have used the one downstairs?

ROD
What?

LEON
The one downstairs.

ROD
There's a tardis downstairs?

LEON
Well yes. It's by the phones.

ROD
A tardis?

LEON
Yes.

ROD
 What's it look like?

LEON
Well it's kind of like a big black monolith.

ROD
Oh.

LEON
Come on. I'll show you. Beats observing the Kleeks of Yavill.

ROD
The whats?

LEON
Oh, just some alien students. Little green things.
Get into all sorts of hilarious scrapes apparently.
I can do without that.

ROD
I see.

LEON
This way then.

Cut to:

INT - PHONE LOBBY

There, at the centre is a black monolith. Wailing music plays as they approach.

LEON
Sounds like the air conditioning's playing up.

He bangs a wall grill. Music stops.
Rod reaches an arm out to the monolith. He touches it. Then he pulls back.

LEON
You've muckied it now.

Leon wipes the fingerprint off with his sleeve, creating a smear.

ROD
How do we get in?

LEON
Push the door open.

Leon leans against the monolith with his arm, and rather than knocking it over, a door opens in it, and the two make their way into the bright white interior.

Cut to:

INT - TARDIS CONTROL ROOM

ROD
Right then.

LEON
Where are we going?

ROD
When are we going more like?

LEON
Very good.

ROD
We've got to go back to help several versions of me
and some sundry friends save the Earth.

LEON
Oh. Right. Good luck.

He turns to leave.

ROD
Are you not coming?

LEON
Sounds a bit dangerous to me.

ROD
 I thought you were supposed to be an assassin.

LEON
Am I? I thought I was a postman.

ROD
A postman of the apocalypse.

LEON
A postman of the Royal Mail.

ROD
I see. Look. Go if you want to,
but you'll be missing out on riotous fun.

LEON
Thank fuck for that.

ROD
And money.

LEON
Oh yes?

ROD
Certainly.

LEON
Come on then. Fire this thing up.

ROD
Right.

He does.

INT - PHONE LOBBY

Dematerialisation.

to Episode Nine Part Two