CONTINUITY ANNOUNCER (VO)
And now on ATV, the final episode
of Babysham, featuring one of the
last screen roles for the great John
Peel. This episode is consequently
dedicated to him. Viewers are warned
that they may find some of the scenes
moderately challenging or morally scant.
1 - EXT 33 - MANOR TOP - NIGHT
Ghostly mist is probably difficult for a
so if we can't get any here, we'll cheat and partially use Roche Abbey.
We track through the mist, with the usual titles.
A/V Woman Productions
A Woody Burlman Picture
The Long Ta-Ra
Written and directed by
The place should look distinctly unurban, until we track out onto the road. A car screams past, and a gang of townies break into a parked car which sets an alarm off. We divert back towards the mist and see the Manor Lodge. There's a small desk light and a fire illuminating the place from inside as we crane up to the window.
2 - INT 40 - MANOR LODGE - NIGHT
We've decorated, so there's a fire lit and pot plants about, and some sort of bureau with a lamp on it. As we pan, we hit a large green armchair in which sits Babysham. He is reading from the Chronicle of Enderon. He sees the camera and lowers the book. To camera:
Oh. Hello there.
Decisions. They can be tricky things,
and we all have to face them from time to time.
I'm here to tell you a story about a decision that
I had to face only the other week. It was just an ordinary
sort of 'one or the other' decision, such as any of you
might have to make. And who knows, you might
have to make a very similar decision yourself
one day. One day indeed. Yet, sometimes,
we all feel, if only somebody else could make
this terribly difficult decision for us. I know I have.
This story is about such an awkward decision.
But first, because you've all been so wonderful,
a little recapitulation for you...
Card a la "Flashback Sequence" card last episode, but with caption: "RECAPITULATION".
3 - EXT 13 - WARD'S END CEMETERY - NIGHT
We track through the mist, through scary gothic gravestones. One, bathed in "moonlight", reads:
In loving memory
EUGENE ROBERT MAYBURN
30th March 1959 - 23rd September 2004
A rat catches the light in its eyes, squeals, and scurries off. Sound of owls and crows. Carrie-style, a hand thrusts upwards from the grave. And a second. And then the earth crumbles away as Eugene, in zombie make-up, sits up in the (evidently shallow) grave. He wears a finely tailored (though filthy) Italian suit with a pink handkerchief in the pocket. His morgue makeup is noticeably camp over the zombie face.
Oh, hello there.
He does a twee little wave and we cut to him walking down:
4 - EXT 34 - CRICKET INN ROAD - NIGHT
Eugene walks along Cricket Inn Road, addressing the camera.
So here was I, a small time antiques dealer
looking to get on in the business. I heard tell
of a masonic organisation which would help
advance my trade - the Mouseman's Guild
it's called. So I made to join only to find I
needed a wife. I thought this was some sort
of anti-homosexuality regulation. But little
did I know that there were darker plans afoot.
Well they pointed me in the direction of an
up and coming mud-wrestler called Letitia
Mayburn. That's her flat up there...
Occasionally through that, passers-by got scared of the zombie and
away. Others jeered him etc.
Now we throw the camera to Hyde Park flats to take a peek. Only one window is lit. Back to Mayburn, and more streetlife reactions.
They married us up in some sort of twisted ceremony and then I was in.
But as time wore on, I began to realise I was being played as a patsy.
To keep my influence I was persuaded to buy an expensive
jade box for the Chief Mouseman. But what I failed to realise was
that it was actually a magical vessel containing powers beyond
imagination. My foolhardiness made me unpopular in the sect,
but I had joined to reap influence and so maintained and extended
my donations to the organisation. My tasks grew more and more unpleasant
though, until I was finally instructed to kill a man. That man was Babysham.
One of the passers by looked like Jarvis Cocker, and was staring up
at the window in the flats. He walked into a bus shelter as the shot
Now though, a car runs Eugene over, it is the same car that was being stolen in the opening scene.
Eugene picks himself up (literally, as one of his arms has fallen off in the impact).
I arranged for the two of us to head up to the old quarry
behind the ski centre, on the pretence that I was being blackmailed.
There, I was to kill him, but my heart wasn't in the act. I hit him
over the head to knock out his senses. The impact was firm, but soft.
A table lamp flies into shot and hits Eugene round the back of the head before breaking into pieces in the road. The back of Eugene's head comes away, as Eugene, confused, looks to the window, where we hear a cat miaow in pain and see the silhouette of Letitia.
What light from yonder window breaks?
Ah. Tis the beast. And Letitia, my widow.
As Eugene's brain flops out and Eugene collapses, we zoom and crane to the flat, where we see Letitia with her back to us. She is having an animated debate. Crane in to:
5 - INT 32 - LETITIA'S FLAT - NIGHT
What have I told you about
sleeping in my bath?!
Now shoo! Shoo!
Eric in cat mode runs up the vinery and onto the top of the unit. At no time do we get an angle of the floor, where the hole may still be. As the camera gets closer, Letitia turns to see us.
Oh. Hello there.
I was just admonishing an angel.
Allow me to introduce myself:
I'm Letitia Mayburn; wealthy
widow of the late Eugene.
Enter the horned, goat-legged, orange-red David Dickinson, holding a tea towel and a jug.
And this is my new husband:
The Dark Prince Satan.
Say hello, Satan.
He grins an evil grin until he is pushed out of shot by Letitia.
We've just returned from our honeymoon.
Now, you may be wondering what a good
little girl like me is doing married to the devil.
Well he's a very sensitive lover, with a fantastic
body, and he knows a thing or two about lapisware.
Not only that, but I can trust him to do the pots
without breaking them. Anyway... I've not always
had such good luck with my fellas. First I was
a showbride for a homosexual antiques salesman,
and then my "bit of rough", all braun and no brain
boyfriend decided it'd be a good idea to kill him
and in so doing free me for his own ends.
The one drawback he failed to foresee was
that while I'd be free, he'd be incarcerated.
But there you go. Point is that it allowed
me to marry Satan, which had been on the
cards for a good while as it happens.
And now I am with his child, and this
child will be the first in a new order of
gods who will help set this world of ours
back to rights. As opposed to the sorry
mess it's in right now. Our accomplice
in this rather exciting scheme is non-other
than the fabulous Bhuvana, or as she's
better known, the Holy Ghostie. Say hello, Bhu.
Bhuvana is sat on the settee, drinking a Martini.
Oh, hello there.
Yes. As Letitia says, it's our plan to
usurp the incumbent God and take
over Heaven in order to establish
a world of peace, love, harmony
and cheap make-up. How might
we execute this plan, I hear you ask...
Well... as a matter of fact,
we're already half way there.
We have a flashback to:
[3:12 - INT 20 - THE STAIRS FROM BABYSHAM'S FLAT - NIGHT
Bhuvana, wearing a towel and a woolly hat, skips down the stairs playing some sort of happy jolly counting game. But she at some point trips and stumbles down the stairs, only to be caught at the bottom by Jim. Bhuvana hypnotises Jim with a hand-gesture, and kisses him passionately.]
For a good while I've been pointing
Babysham in a direction that would
assist our cause, not least by getting
him favourably reprogrammed.
[4:27 - INT 35 - COOLING TOWER - DAY
Babysham opens the box. Looks into the abyss with a blue-glowing eye. White-out.]
His laser eye was just the job for breaking
the spell that had restrained my godly powers.
6 - INT 41 - LIMBO SET - DAY
Bhuvana appears from the vanishing point and walks towards us, talking.
At this point, you may be wondering...
well if they needed Babysham to break the spell
on the magic box, then why did the Mousemen
want him dead? Well the plan was to reanimate
him and reprogram him to ensure his compliance.
After Eugene failed to halt Babysham for long enough,
the task of incapacitating him fell to Letitia. She
was able to lay a virus that would disable Babysham
to the point that he would require reprogramming.
I nobbled the programmer and the job was a good 'un.
New closer angle shot. Same location.
With my powers safely back up my sleeves,
the time arrives for our coup to begin. Satan
is on side, Lucifer is still sectioned, so that
leaves the staff up in Heaven. Peter.
Pan to reveal Peter Snow inside a virtual reality cloud chamber.
Heaven is still essentially a battle zone fought over by two aging dynasties.
Over here there's God and his son, Stew, while over here is the Pantheon Tosh.
Now effectively, Stew, has no engagement with the conflict, and it's even thought
that in a coup situation, there's every possibility of him actually joining
the rebellion thanks to an increasing dissatisfaction with his father's policies.
Interesting to point out, of course, that Stew is not actually the son of
God at all, but rather the son of Bhuvana. God has in fact been pretending to
be Stew's father in an attempt to keep him roughly on side. Stew himself
was actually meant to have organised a coup two-thousand years ago;
a plot that chiefly failed because no-one thought to let Stew in on the plan.
This time round, Stew has been let into the loop, but has yet to commit to any side.
So let's see what Stew makes of our planned coup, shall we?
The whiteness fades and we merge into:
7 - INT 29 - GOTHIC CRYPT - NIGHT
A "Number 2" style globe-chair sits at the centre. As Bhuvana approaches, it rotates. Stew sits inside, legs crossed.
Oh, hello there.
So what do you think?
I think you're all fucking mad.
I mean has Iraq taught you nothing?
What do you seriously hope to gain from regime change?
I mean, I know God's an incompetent fraud, but do you sincerely
believe you can do better without contravening the law of free will?
If we could end the conflicts in our own domains
and then present a united front to the people of earth,
we might yet bring about some degree of peace.
You're deluding yourself. The human race
is intrinsically corrupt, and even with a physical presence,
a united religion is never going to please everybody.
People will dissent from you just as they dissent from the state.
Nothing will change. At best you might end the war in Heaven,
but the point of that is that it's what the people there want.
On both sides. It's a paradise. Might not be your idea of
paradise, but that's what this place is for.
Seriously... you're not going to change anything.
We can try.
Ok. You try.
But I'm just going to
go back to my bookshop,
if that's alright with you.
Sadly, we can't afford to let you go.
You might let slip about us.
So for now you are our hostage.
Whatever. This chair is good, by the way.
Yes. It is rather.
She picks up a big red cordless phone thing (Prisoner style) from a tomb, and lifts it to her ear.
Fade to black. Fade up on:
8 - INT 40 - MANOR LODGE - NIGHT
Babysham puts down a similar phone. To us:
One more line of narrative and we can get on
with our story. For this one we must go back
to Episode One Scene Eighteen...
Babysham lifts a remote control, points it at the fireplace and presses. The fireplace switches via FX to a flashback:
[1:18 - INT 17 - JASON DONOVAN'S HOUSE - NOON
Babysham, Tomy and Jason in discussion.]
Babysham watches the silent footage and talks over it.
That's Jason Donovan, the famous Australian.
I mean, he's not as famous as some Australians,
but in this country, his name would probably
be recognised more than some antipodean
Hollywood stars... Anyway, here's the relevant bit.
Babysham ups the volume, complete with graphic.
See you at ballet next week, Jace?
I don't know. Just pulled a muscle swimming.
It depends how I feel.
Nothing too controversial.
Just a bit of background.
But now let us pick up from
where we dropped off last week...
He selects Ep5, Sc22 from a DVD menu.
The next scene starts as an insert before cutting to full screen:
9 - INT 11 - JADE'S HOUSE - THURSDAY NIGHT
FFWD a bit. Play:
You know, I've just realised;
I've missed three ballet
classes on the trot now.
Madame Galena will kill me.
FFWD a bit. Play:
Jade gets up to look at something outside. Alan and Babysham are already at the window.
Looks like Jason Donovan's
been skipping classes too.
Cut to full screen.
Leon falls to the settee just as Jade moves away.
Madame Galena has a
very professional approach.
They're looking at the corpse of Jason Donovan. An unpleasant sight only visible during bursts of lightning. In a prolonged sheet-lightning burst, Jason's feet are seen to be still twitching ferociously. They wear red ballet shoes.
Well it looks like we're faced with something of a dilemma.
Some sort of banister might be in order there, Jade.
Do we see what happened to Stew
or investigate the death of Jace here?
It's a toughy.
No it's not.
Well we can't split up.
We've already lost
Stew that way. So it's
one or the other...
The film jams, jitters and snaps, and suddenly all is white.
Text teleprints onto the screen (complete with
BABYSHAM SEE WHAT HAPPENED TO STEW
OR INVESTIGATE THE DEATH OF JASON DONOVAN?
TO LOOK FOR STEW, PRESS RED.
TO INVESTIGATE JASON, PRESS GREEN.
At the same time, Anna Ford speaks:
ANNA FORD (VO)
Well now it's time for this week's viewers question:
Should Babysham try to find Stew or investigate
Jason Donovan's death? If you think he'd be better
off looking for Stew, and in so doing perhaps prevent
a messy and pointless coup in the Kingdom of Heaven,
then press the red button on your remote control.
If, however, you think Babysham's time would be
better spent investigating the curious death of
Jason Donovan, and in all likelihood finding himself
in all sorts of Suspiria-like situations, then press
the green button. You have ten seconds to decide.
Countdown, top right.